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It feels like his heart is going to beat out of his chest. And the others don’t notice. Seonghwa takes a small breath as he pushes down the urge to run away. These guys are his friends, his brothers. They’re the ones who he’s been there for for years, and they’ve been there for him. He wants them to know.
Yet, images - memories - of eyes filled with disgust flashes through his mind and words sharp as blades echoes in his ears.
“I need to tell you guys something.” the words pour past his lips before he can stop himself and the conversation around the table stops as they turn to look at him.
His mouth goes dry and he swallows past the lump in his throat but he can’t utter the words.
“What is it?” Hongjoong asks, eyebrows furrowing in confusion or concern, Seonghwa can’t quite tell.
“I-” he hesitates, but the others are looking at him with such open expressions, patiently waiting for him to speak, he swallows again and lets out a deep sigh. And then he says it, “I’m gay.”
“Really?” Mingi asks, eyebrows raising in surprise but there’s no judgement. Yeosang elbows him in the side and sends Seonghwa a small smile.
“Okay.” Jongho gives a small nod and goes back to eating.
“Thanks for telling us.” Yunho says softly and the others hum in agreement before turning back to their meals but Seonghwa just feels nauseous.
It went fine.
“You’re okay with it?” he can’t help the stuttered question and they still again.
“Of course, it’s fine Seonghwa.” Hongjoong says, “As long as you don’t come to me with boy troubles.”
They laugh, and although Seonghwa still feels tense he manages a small relieved smile.
It went fine.
But then, later that night, as he passes Wooyoung and Yeosang’s room to go to the bathroom, he can hear them talking. He can hear San in there, too. He knows he shouldn’t eavesdrop, but he hears his name mentioned and he inches closer to the door.
“Isn’t it a little weird?” San asks.
“What?”
“That he’s, you know-” he seems to hesitate, “that he’s so touchy with us when he’s gay. I mean, what if he has a crush on one of us or something?”
Tears spring to his eyes.
“Yeah, maybe.” Wooyoung agrees.
The tears fall.
He rushes to the bathroom, making sure to be as silent as possible, and it’s only when he locks the door behind him that he really feels it. The sense of sadness coupled by shame. He’d worried about them hating him, about them calling him names and telling him they no longer wanted to be his friends.
They hadn’t done that, they had accepted him easily. But maybe that had just been for his comfort, maybe they didn’t hate him, but knowing obviously changed their perception of him. It almost hurt more this way, that they didn’t hate him for being gay but were weirded out by it.
He forces himself to pull himself together quickly, knowing Hongjoong will get suspicious otherwise. He brushes his teeth and splashes his face with cold water in hopes of hiding the residue of his tears.
When he heads back to his room he makes sure to walk as quickly as possible, not wanting to overhear something that’ll upset him further.
He doesn’t mention it when he feels San tense as he rests his arm over his shoulders during a vlive. He just casually pulls his arm away, plastering on a small smile to hide the hurt and inches a bit to the left to give the younger some space, so as to not make him uncomfortable. But in doing so he nudges Wooyoung in the side and he feels a lump form in his throat, now he’s probably making him uncomfortable too.
He never should have told them.
If they didn’t know they wouldn’t feel weird around him and nothing would have changed. Yeosang wouldn’t be looking back over his shoulder, concerned as he must have seen what happened as he watched the live on his phone to catch some funny comments or questions. Seonghwa lets out a small laugh simply because he hears the others laugh and Yeosang does too but he still looks worried. He hopes it’s not obvious to the fans how strange he’s acting.
Chuseok meant a break in schedules and San couldn’t be happier. Most of the guys had left to go visit their families right after their schedules finished the day before but San had wanted one night of undisturbed sleep before he caught the train to go home too. He also wanted to buy his parents some gifts so he headed into town.
He cursed himself when, just as he’d bought his mom’s gift, he realised he’d forgotten his charger back at the dorms. With a quick glance at his train ticket he realised he still had time to head back to get it though.
He didn’t think anything of it when he heard some movement in the kitchen, he knew Seonghwa wasn’t going back to his parents for the holiday - something about them being away for a trip. But as he passed the kitchen, the rush he was in was completely forgotten.
Because, there, pressed against the fridge was Seonghwa, head leaned back as another guy kissed his jaw and down his neck. The guy must have done something because Seonghwa let out something between a hiss and a moan as his eyes snapped open.
His eyes widened comically as he pushes the guy off, “San! What are you doing here?”
The guy turn to face him, expression just as surprised as Seonghwa’s and San realises it was one of their background dancers, Sungchul.
“I- uh- I was just getting my charger.” he stutters awkwardly when he realises he hadn’t answered the question.
He doesn't bother sticking around for long, instead heading to his room to get his charger, throwing a quick goodbye over his shoulder before he rushes out of the apartment. His face was flushed from both embarrassment and the hurry in his steps.
He doesn’t really think about what happened until he’s back at the dorms, but he’s not exactly sure if he should talk to Seonghwa about it. What would he even say?
The decision is taken out of his hands when he and Seonghwa run into each other in the kitchen. They maneuver around each other in the tight space, it’s strangely awkward. San doesn’t like it.
“Hey San.” Seonghwa says softly, arms wrapped around himself as if he’s trying to make himself small, “About last week- sorry you had to see that.”
“It’s fine.” he chuckles but he can feel his cheeks heat up.
“No really, I thought I had the dorms for myself. I’m really sorry.”
“You don’t need to apologize.” San shakes his head, hating how uncomfortable the older sounds, “It was my fault for forgetting the charger.”
Seonghwa gives a small nod, turning to leave.
“So you and Sungchul huh?” San blurts and Seonghwa freezes, “When did that happen?”
“A couple weeks ago.”
“Why’d you never tell us?”
“Didn’t think you’d want to know.” he shrugs and before San can respond he’s gone.
The short conversation in the kitchen lurks at the back of San’s mind each time he sees Seonghwa. It comes to the forefront whenever they have practice with their backup dancers and he catches Seonghwa and Sungchul making eyes at each other. He doesn’t understand how they hadn’t noticed. It’s so obvious. But then he sees how the two of them school their expressions so expertly, and he realises it’s because they don’t want to be found out.
San isn’t stupid. He knows how much trouble they could get into if they were ever caught but one fact still remains; Seonghwa hadn’t told them, even though they knew he was gay and that it wasn’t an issue for any of them.
It hurt, if San was being honest, that Seonghwa didn’t trust them enough to share this with the rest of them.
San can feel Seonghwa pulling away from him, from all of them. When San had brought it up one day Yeosang had rolled his eyes and told him it was their own fault. He hadn’t explained further but San realised that his awkward behaviour probably wasn’t the best way to bring Seonghwa back to them.
His gaze kept flicking over to the eldest and he felt a pang of guilt in his chest. He was sitting in the arm chair instead of cuddled up on the couch with the rest of them. He caught him looking at them a couple times, an almost longing look in his eyes before he turned back to the TV.
Seonghwa didn’t want to pull away from them but he still was, San couldn’t make sense of it.
He had to get up for the bathroom at one point and as he came back San decided to sit on the floor in front of Seonghwa instead of the soft couch. He didn’t know how to address the issue but maybe actions could speak louder than words.
But when he glanced back at him he couldn’t help but frown. Usually Seonghwa’s fingers would have found their way into his hair at this point but instead he just sat there, shoulders tense and hands firmly clasped in his lap.
San turns back to watch the movie.
Seonghwa starts to go out a lot on his own, San notices with a sense of guilt and maybe even some jealousy. It pains him that he’d rather spend time away from them. But it eases slightly each time he returns, since he seems a little lighter on his feet than he had been when he left.
“Where are you always off to?” Hongjoong asks when Seonghwa once again declines having dinner with them in favor of going out.
“Just meeting up with a friend.” Seonghwa says as he shrugs on his jacket.
“Is it Sungchul?” San doesn’t know what it is that compels him to ask. Curiosity, probably.
He kind of regrets asking when Seonghwa falters in his step, but then a delightful blush spread across his cheeks and he almost wants to coo at the small nod he gives.
“Sungchul?” Yunho stops with his chopsticks halfway to his mouth, “Like dancer Sungchul?”
“Yeah-” Seonghwa mumbles, hand going up to scratch at the back of his head.
“Didn’t even know you two were friends.” Wooyoung ponders.
San can see the hesitation in Seonghwa’s eyes and he tries to smile in encouragement, hoping he’ll let the others in on this.
He doesn’t though. He just mumbles a quick goodbye and practically sprints out the dorms.
San did want the others to know about Seonghwa and Sungchul’s relationship, but there was a reason he never told them. It wasn’t his story to tell and Seonghwa obviously wasn’t ready. He’d hoped he would be soon though, that he’d finally decide to let them in.
But the decision was stripped away from him simply because his shirt had been open one button too many, revealing a few red marks across his collarbone. The guys were instantly on him asking question after question and God did San feel bad for the older.
He was a stuttering, blushing mess as he tried to get them to back off and it only served to spur them on further.
“Guys!” San yelled and they finally quieted down, “If he wants to tell us he will.”
Seonghwa let out a relieved sigh and smiled at him, patting his thigh quickly in thanks. San smiled back and tried to ignore how this was the first time in months that the older had initiated any sort of contact that wasn’t on camera.
“I uh- I’ll tell you.” the guys’ previously dejected looks sparked into those of interest again, “It’s Sungchul, we’ve been seeing each other for a while now.”
There was a beat of silence and then Mingi uttered a small, “Huh.” mouth curling downwards as if thinking, “I wouldn’t have pegged him for a gay guy.”
“You wouldn’t peg anyone as gay.” Yeosang rolled his eyes before looking over Seonghwa with a small smile, “But good for you hyung!”
“You know you have to be-”
“Careful.” Seonghwa interrupted, fingers coming up to button up his shirt, “I know, Joong. We are. We’re not gonna get caught.”
The cheerful atmosphere shifted into something more somber, the only one seemingly unaffected was the eldest. San supposes he’s had plenty of time to think about this on his own.
Things get busy as the holidays approach and there isn’t a single day that San doesn’t feel exhausted. So it’s a huge relief when they finally get to go on their break.
Christmas was lovely but it still tires him out, having to keep a smile on his face as he meets up with relatives and old friends. He had been upset when his parents had told them months ago that they were going on a trip for New Years, but now as he gets back to an empty dorm, he has to admit he’s quite happy about it.
Maybe it is a bit sad, celebrating the new year on his own but he orders himself way too much food and snacks, and manages to ignore it. He hasn’t had time for himself in ages and he doesn’t know when he will get this again, so he decides to savour it.
Only, that doesn’t happen. Because as the fourth episode of the drama he’s watching turns on, he hears keys jiggling at the front door. He quickly pauses his show to go check who’s there and just as he rounds the corner the door opens.
Seonghwa’s eyes widen as they look at each other and he tilts his head in question, “What are you doing here?”
“My parents are on a trip.”
“Oh right.” Seonghwa nods, closing the door behind him.
“What about you?” San watches as he takes off his jacket and toes off his shoes and frown slightly at how unsteady he looks, “I thought you’d be spending the whole holiday with your family.”
“They had other plans.”
The older doesn’t seem to want to elaborate, and San doesnt want to push, “Have you eaten yet?”
“No.”
“There’s leftovers in the fridge if you want.” he says as he walks back to the living room and throws himself down on the couch, “Come watch TV with me?”
He presses play on the show and soon enough Seonghwa joins him with a plate of food and a plastic bag. San is about to ask what’s in it when the older pulls out a bottle and holds it out for him.
“Beer?” he grabs it and frowns slightly.
“It is New Years after all.” Seonghwa shrugs and pulls a bottle out for himself, cracking it open and taking a large gulp. San follows his lead, cringing slightly at the taste and then blushes when he catches Seonghwa smirking at him, “I got soju too. No champagne though.”
They spent the rest of the night watching TV and drinking, a lot. By the time they reach the end of the season San feels well past tipsy and Seonghwa looks even further gone. At some point they’d slid down to the floor, San leaning with his back against the couch and Seonghwa laying down next to him, head just inches away from San’s thigh. He feels an urge to run his fingers through those dark locks and when he does Seonghwa’s eyes snap open in surprise, before falling shut as he lets out a content sigh.
“Why aren’t you with your family?” San whispers, suddenly aware of the silence in the room as the show is over.
“They didn’t want me there.” Seonghwa says, face contorting briefly before smoothing out again, “I didn’t want to be there either.”
“What do you mean?”
“My brother asked if I was still a fag and when I didn’t answer dad nearly got the belt out again. I just bolted.”
San’s fingers freeze in their movement, but then it looks like Seonghwa is making to leave and he starts again, “Why did you never tell us about this?”
“It never came up.” Seonghwa looks tense.
“Can you just tell me the truth, for once?” it comes out as more of an accusation than he’d meant for it to.
Seonghwa opens his eyes, glances over at him before closing them again. He lets out a deep sigh and San is reminded of when he first came out to them, how vulnerable he’d looked in that moment.
“Didn’t want you guys to realise I’m even more fucked up.”
“What are you talking about?” San sits up a bit straighter and reaches out to touch the older’s shoulder, hoping he’d look at him again. He doesn’t. “You’re not fucked up Seonghwa.”
“Sure.” he scoffs and suddenly sits up, dislodging San’s grip as he rises to his feet, “Let’s make ramyeon.”
He wanted to argue, to make sure Seonghwa actually believed him. But he doubted it would even do anything if his stumbled steps to the kitchen was anything to go by, the older was completely plastered. San sighed as he got up, painfully aware that if they hadn’t gotten drunk tonight, he never would have known.
Seonghwa barely remembers New Years, but he remembers the aftermath. Him with his head in the toilet bowl puking his guts out. He must have done something that night because San was looking at him differently. He wanted to ask him what it was but he was too scared of the answer.
It couldn’t have been too bad though, since the younger had practically been plastered to his side since then. He seemed to always be around, showering him with compliments. He still tensed up whenever Seonghwa initiated any sort of skinship though. But despite that, the guys started teasing them, asking if they were dating or something. Seonghwa had laughed along with the others at the way San had vehemently denied the fact but if he was honest it kind of stung.
It wasn’t that he wanted to date San, the boy was like a little brother to him, but the fact that it was a joke to the others made him feel sick. No one commented on the way Wooyoung and San would shower each other with affection, be it verbally or physically. Yet they’d all make sly comments whenever Seonghwa was affectionate with any of them. It only served as a reminder that he was different, weird.
Wrong.
He shook his head to discard that word. He’d worked so hard to get past those hateful thoughts and he didn’t want his members playful words twist into something so bad.
Sungchul sent him a message to meet in the dance studio and he couldn’t help but feel almost giddy at the thought of meeting him. They hadn’t seen each other since before the break and Sungchul hadn’t been responding to any of his calls or messages. He knew he was probably just busy but he’d still missed him.
Sungchul doesn’t even turn to greet him when he arrives and he frowns slightly at the weird behaviour. Usually they’d already be all over each other by now.
“Sungchul?” he says uncertainly, walking towards him slowly, “Is everything okay?”
“I’m not in love with you.” Sungchul says suddenly and Seonghwa freezes in his step.
“Oh-” his cheeks flush in embarrassment, they’d never said that they were in love but Seonghwa had been getting there. He really likes him, but he knows he shouldn’t expect anything in return, “that- that’s okay. We can keep this casual.” he hopes he’s telling the truth.
“No.” he turns around, eyes full of anger, “You tricked me into thinking I was.”
“What?”
“You seduced me, made me do disgusting things.” Seonghwa backs up as he stomps closer and he can already feel his heartbeat speed up.
“I thought you wanted to-”
“Of course I don’t!” Sungchul yells and it echoes around the practice room, “I’m not some fag! I was just confused and you smeared me in your filth!”
It’s not just Sungchul spewing these hateful words, he hears his parents, his brother, and every other person who was supposed to care for him, along with that deep voice that had first pulled him in. He’s backed up against the mirrored wall and Sungchul has his hand clenched at the front of his shirt. It reminds him of high school and he can feel the punch before it even lands.
“I’m not going to be fucked up like you.” Sungchul hisses, saliva hitting his face given how close he is.
And then he’s gone. Just like that. Seonghwa slides down to the floor and brings a shaking hand up to his cheek and flinches at the spike of pain the touch brings.
He isn’t sure how long he stayed there on the ground but eventually he gets up. He pulls his cap low on his face and puts on his face mask as he heads outside. He doesn’t know where he’s headed but he sure as hell isn’t going home like this.
His hands still haven’t stopped shaking and he hates how his steps speed up when he sees a bar up ahead. He just needs something to calm his nerves and then he can go home, sleep, and wake up better, without the members being any the wiser.
The first beer goes down with a little bit of a struggle but the second slides down easily. The bartender seems to realise he’s having a rough day and gets him the third one on the house. He orders a shot and it’s only then he realises he hasn’t actually eaten anything today. But the warmth that floods him feels too nice to resist ordering one final glass of beer.
As he gets up to leave he wobbles slightly and the bartender looks at him in concern, “You okay to go home like this, kid?”
“I’m fine.” he shakes his head to clear it but it only serves to make him feel dizzy, “Thank you.” he forces out before heading for the door.
It’s well into the afternoon but the streets are still busy and he slides the mask back on his face, praying to the god that hates him that no one will recognize him. He’d never forgive himself if he brings bad press to the group.
But even so, he still dips into the convenience store near the dorms to grab himself a bottle of soju. The girl that works there doesn’t pay him any mind though and he’s out of there as quickly as he can.
He takes a sip of the soju in the elevator before sliding it into his bag before it reaches its destination. Some of the guys are making noise in the living room but he doesn’t bother checking who exactly as he rushes to his room. Luckily, it’s empty and he throws himself down on his bed. He doesn’t bother taking off his clothes and just gets the bottle out of his bag to take another sip.
He feels pathetic, like he’s back in high school where he used to go to every party available to get absolutely pissed in order to forget about everything going on. He knows it’s not healthy and definitely not effective. His thoughts always seem to grow darker when he’s under the influence, but the buzz of alcohol is also such a relief.
“You’re no son of mine.”
“Ew, that’s disgusting!”
“I’m not going to be fucked up like you.”
“Isn’t it a little weird … that he’s so touchy with us when he’s gay.”
He tilts the bottle up and drinks as much as he can without gagging. He fucking hates himself right now. He feels so stupid. He should have realised Sungchul didn’t love him, who would? He’s such a fucking mess.
He scoffs at himself and slings his legs over the edge of the bed. Of course his bladder would choose to scream at him in the middle of a fucking breakdown. He hurries to the bathroom but has to use the wall as support as to not fall over.
His luck runs out after he’s done in the bathroom because the first thing he does after opening the door is stumble right into another person, “shit.” he mutters when he sees he’s spilled on the floor.
“Are you drunk?” Seonghwa looks up to meet Jongho’s eyes, a mixture of concern and confusion swimming in them.
He doesn’t answer, instead taking a gulp out of the half empty bottle in his hand as he moves to pass the youngest but he doesn’t budge and so Seonghwa just turns around and heads in the opposite direction. He can hear Jongho following him and he isn’t quite sure what he’s thinking.
“Seonghwa, what’s wrong?” Jongho grabs his arm and twists him around, the concern still evident on his face.
What is wrong? The answer is clear.
“Me.”
“What?” it’s San that asks the question and Seonghwa can’t help but laugh when he realises the others are right there.
“I’m what’s wrong, I’m fucked up.” he goes to take another sip but Jongho is quicker and grabs the bottle out of his hand, “Hey!” he protests and goes to take it back.
“What happened to your face?” San steps forward and grabs his chin to turn his face and inspect the bruise, “Who did this to you?”
“Sungchul.” he bats San’s hand away and he hates how uncoordinated he feels, “He hates me.” his lip trembles and he squeezes his eyes shut.
He doesn’t want to cry. Especially not in front of the others.
“What? Why?” San asks urgently as he wraps his arms around him.
“Has he done this before?” Hongjoong asks from somewhere to his right and Seonghwa shakes his head and buries it in the crook of the San’s neck.
“He just realised he doesn’t want me corrupting him anymore,” he tries to sound detached but even so his voice still trembles, “didn’t want me to smear him with my filth.”
Just repeating the words feel like getting stabbed in the gut and his knees tremble.
“That’s fucked up.” Mingi practically growls, “Did he say that?”
“Maybe he’s right.”
“He’s not.” Yeosang says, voice unusually powerful.
“Even you guys are weirded out by me!” Seonghwa exclaims, tears finally falling, “You never want to be near me anymore!”
There’s a beat of silence, and then San whispers, “I’m holding you right now.”
Seonghwa falters, realising how tightly he’s being embraced, as if San is trying to keep him from falling apart. He kind of is.
When Seonghwa wakes up the next morning he feels like complete shit, head aching and stomach churning with nausea. And worse of all, he feels utterly humiliated. He groans as he recalls how he’d thrown up on San while sobbing his heart out. The younger had been shocked but quick in assuring him that it was okay. They cleaned him up and tucked him into bed with a demand that they’d talk more about this in the morning and Seonghwa curses himself once again for being so fucking dumb.
The door cracks open and Hongjoong peaks his head inside, “You awake?”
“Wish I wasn't.” Seonghwa grumbles, squeezing his eyes shut and he hears Hongjoong chuckle slightly.
His bed dips as Hongjoong sits down and Seonghwa figures the leader deserves some sort of decency for having to deal with him so he sits up, but he can’t quite bring himself to meet the younger’s eyes, “I’m sorry.”
“You don’t need to apologize.” Hongjoong shakes his head, “If anyone should, it should be me.”
“What?” he looks up in surprise, “What for?”
“You’ve obviously been struggling,” this time it’s Hongjoong that can’t keep eye contact, “I never asked you what was going on and you felt it better to go get drunk than to come talk to us, to me.” he looks up again, looking completely distraught and Seonghwa just wants wrap him up in a hug but he can’t quite bring himself to reach out, “Why didn’t you?”
“You told me not to come to you with boy troubles.” he means for it to lighten the mood but it only serves to make Hongjoong’s face crease up, as if in pain.
“I was joking.” he says, voice filled with shame, “A bad joke, I realise now.”
“It’s not your fault though.” Seonghwa runs a hand through greasy hair and lets out a deep sigh, “I’m not very good at reaching out for help, especially regarding, well, this.” he gestures vaguely at himself.
“Why is that?”
“Haven’t really had the best experiences with coming out. I can’t really help being scared of it.”
“Will you let us help you? Be less scared I mean.” Seonghwa hesitates but gives a small nod, “You have to tell us then, when we do something wrong or act weird. Yeosang kinda scolded us all for the way we’ve been acting.”
“Yeosang?” Seonghwa asks, incredulous.
“That kid is terrifying when he’s mad you know.” Hongjoong says, staring off into space and giving a mock shiver as if reliving something traumatizing before he sombers up again, “But he was right to, I didn’t even realise how different things have been.”
“It’s-”
“Don’t say it’s okay.” Hongjoong interrupts, “It’s not, and we’re all gonna do better from now on. I promise.”
Seonghwa isn’t quite sure what to say to that but Hongjoong doesn’t seem bothered by it, instead reaching out to give him a hug and Seonghwa practically melts into the embrace.
“Please don’t throw up on me.”
There’s no evidence that it wasn’t Hongjoong’s bad balance that caused him to fall off the bed.
They all come in to talk to him at some point during the day and Seonghwa greatly appreciates not having to get out of bed because his head is still killing him. He feels much better by evening though and if he’s being honest it doesn’t have much to do with the alcohol leaving his system. They’d all apologized and things feel a bit brighter even though the sun is going down.
“Can I talk to you?” San is the last one to come to him and Seonghwa sits up and pats his bed in invitation.
“Sorry about, you know, throwing up on you.” Seonghwa scratches at the back of his neck sheepishly but San just waves it off with a chuckle.
“Why didn’t you come to me?” San says after a beat of silence, “I knew the most out of everyone but you didn’t even consider it, did you? Is it because I’m younger than you or-”
“I heard you and Wooyoung that night when I came out.” Seonghwa blurts it out, “That you guys were weirded out by it and then none of you wanted to touch me so I just- I just didn’t.”
“Oh.” San sighs.
“Yeah, and I mean i get it-”
“You shouldn’t.” San interrupts, “Nothing should have changed, Yeosang set us straight as soon as we said that, told us we were being idiots and we realised we were.”
“No you weren’t”
“You’re still the same Seonghwa we’ve always known, we shouldn’t have thought anything had changed. We should have just been glad you’d told us. And I am, you need to start letting us in more.”
“I-
“All you need to say is that you’ll try.”
“I’ll try.”