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"Why can't I just die already?"
The words stuck in Pathfinder's processor, repeating over and over again and making him feel sick in the gut.
It was the first time that he had brought Revenant's banner to the respawn beacon. They had been teamed up in the games a fair amount of times since Revenant had joined the Legends, but Pathfinder had never had to respawn him even once--he seemed unstoppable, like a force of nature, cutting down his enemies with ease, slaughtering entire squads by himself. Sure, every so often, he made a tactical error and was downed, but Pathfinder was always right there with a syringe to get him up and fighting again. He never got so much as a "thank you" from the surly simulacrum, but he didn't mind.
This time, however, something had been off from the very moment they jumped off of the drop ship. Revenant had been oddly silent for the entire ride to World's Edge, and once they landed at the thermal station, he had taken off on his own in the opposite direction of Pathfinder and Bloodhound. Bloodhound had groaned and shaken their head, mumbling a prayer for the Allfather to give them patience, before running after him. Pathfinder quickly followed suit, and they caught up to Revenant as he was rifling through the loot bins in the center of the station.
Bloodhound sighed. "I am going to go check out the upper platforms for more loot. I will ping you if I find anything useful." They turned and jogged off, with Artur following behind.
Pathfinder turned to Revenant. "You shouldn't go running off alone like that, friend," he said, as he took to the nearest bin, grabbing a Peacekeeper and a stack of shotgun ammo. "You could get ambushed by another squad. We need to stick together."
Revenant only grunted in response, opening up another bin and grabbing a level two body shield, tossing it at Pathfinder.
Surprised, Pathfinder barely caught it in time. He quickly suited up, grabbing a knockdown shield as well, before he realized that Revenant didn't have a body shield of his own. "Thank you, friend, but you need one too," he said in a puzzled tone.
"Not necessary," Revenant mumbled, the first words he had spoken all day. "I'm fine." He grabbed a backpack and began shoving energy ammo into it, not looking at Pathfinder.
"Of course it's necessary," Pathfinder protested, visibly confused. "After all, the best offense is a good def--"
"I said, I'm fine," Revenant growled, whipping his head around to fix Pathfinder with a deadly glare. "Worry about yourself, robot."
Pathfinder wanted to say something more, but he knew it would be useless, so he kept quiet and continued looting. If Revenant was going to be reckless today, well, Pathfinder was just going to have to watch his teammate's back a little more than usual.
Soon, Bloodhound's voice crackled over their comms. "The ring is moving, felagi fighters. We must get going. Did you find everything you needed?"
Revenant narrowed his eyes at Pathfinder, as if daring him to say something. "We're good," he grunted into his comm. "On the way." He started running in the direction that Bloodhound had gone, and Pathfinder quickly followed suit.
They caught up with them a few minutes later at the edge of the train tracks, and Bloodhound nodded in the direction of the train yard. "This is inside the next ring. We can hide out here until the ring gets smaller. Let the other teams pick each other off, and we will take on the meistari. But be careful. There may be other teams about."
Pathfinder nodded. Eight teams left. Bloodhound's plan was a good one--no reason to put themselves in danger before they had to. Revenant didn't respond, and simply began skulking towards the train yard. Pathfinder followed him, crouched low, followed by Bloodhound, who watched their rear.
They crept into one of the vacant train cars. It was empty of loot, save for a lone syringe that Pathfinder collected and put into his backpack. He was about to suggest that they check out the tunnel under the tracks, when Bloodhound triggered their sonar to check their surroundings, then let out a quiet "Fjandinn!" Suddenly gunfire rang out, and Bloodhound was falling forward onto their knees, blood spreading across the back of their jacket.
Pathfinder froze for a split second--long enough for the attacker to get in a second shot on Bloodhound, who cried out in pain--before grabbing his Peacekeeper and unloading bullets into the assailant as fast as he could. The enemy stumbled, but Pathfinder could see from the golden glint as his bullets hit them that they had a level four body shield--they weren't going down that easy. His chest tightened as he realized he was out of ammo, and his processor spun as he considered his options. He could run, but there was no way he could leave Bloodhound behind--and Revenant, where was Revenant?!?
As if on cue, Revenant appeared behind the enemy, and before Pathfinder could even process what was happening, the unlucky Legend in front of him had a large, sharp blade bursting out of their chest. Revenant twisted the blade slowly, and the enemy screamed, letting out a final spray of bullets at Pathfinder before collapsing and dropping their banner. Revenant pulled the blade out of the enemy and transformed it back into his normal forearm and hand.
"T-thanks, friend," Pathfinder stuttered. He immediately dropped to his knees beside Bloodhound and began to revive them. Outside, there was more gunfire and shouting.
Revenant grabbed Pathfinder's arm and pulled him to his feet. "No time," he growled, "We need to go. Now."
"What?! We can't just leave our friend to bleed out!"
"We won't," Revenant replied grimly, and before Pathfinder could stop him he had put a bullet in Bloodhound's head and grabbed their banner. "We'll respawn them inside the next ring. Go!"
Horrified, Pathfinder had no choice but to comply, and they both took off running, ignoring the yelling and shooting around them.
"This way!" Revenant yelled, ducking into the tunnel beneath the train tracks. "We'll get to Capitol City and make our stand there. Hurry!"
Pathfinder nodded, running as fast as his legs could carry him. He spared a glance behind him, and thankfully saw no one. "I think we lost them--" he began, then stopped in his tracks. The vault door was open, and he heard voices inside.
"Fuck," Revenant growled, and he shoved Bloodhound's banner into Pathfinder's hands. Behind them, the ominous humming of the ring grew ever closer. "Go. Get out of here, and I'll meet you in the city."
"No!" Pathfinder cried in a hushed voice. "There is no way you can take them all on by yourself, friend! We'll fight them together--"
"Listen." Suddenly Revenant's hand was gripping the bar on Pathfinder's chest and yanking him forward. "I was a professional hitman. I have killed thousands of people without breaking a sweat. Just trust me. There's no time, the ring is coming. Go!" he yelled the last word and charged into the vault. Screams of surprise and pain were heard, then gunfire, and Pathfinder stood for half a second longer before breaking into a sprint down the tunnel.
When he reached the end of the tunnel and saw Capitol City in the distance, he paused. The ring was almost at the vault, and he hadn't heard anything from Revenant. "Friend, can you hear me?" he asked into his comm. No response. "Revenant?" The link was quiet.
Pathfinder had to make a decision. He looked back towards the tunnel, then at his map. The ring had already reached the vault. He looked ahead, at Capitol City. Safety within reach.
And he turned around and ran back into the tunnel.
When the outside of the ring hit him, it hit him hard. He gasped in pain as electrical currents ran through his body, but he struggled onwards, using his grapple to move more quickly down the tunnel. Finally he reached the vault, his health half depleted. It was littered with death boxes, but only one mattered--there he was. He grabbed Revenant's banner and pealed off, running for his life back down the tunnel.
When he reached the end, he was still outside of the ring--he scrabbled in his backpack for a med kit, quickly punching the syringe into his arm. "Come on, come on," he pleaded with it, and when it finally finished healing him with a soft ping, he was already setting up a zipline and riding it towards the city. When he reached the end, he hit the ground running. He was so close. He had to make it, he had to---and finally, he burst into the ring with a gasp of relief, stumbling into the city limits and ducking into an alleyway, the pain slowly subsiding. He checked his backpack to make sure his teammates' banners were safe, then checked the squad counter. Three teams left. This was it.
He grabbed the last syringe out of his backpack and administered it, then used up his last two shield cells as well, and grabbed a clip of ammo that was lying on the ground. This was his last shot, he couldn't screw this up--he had to get it right, for Bloodhound and for Revenant. He checked his map. There was only one respawn beacon left inside the ring--at the very top of one of Capitol City's many tall buildings.
He took a deep breath, and set off across the streets, crouching behind trucks and ducking through unoccupied buildings, before he finally made it to the bottom of the building with the beacon at the top. He had finally made it. He hooked his grapple onto the roof and easily climbed up. There was the beacon--and there was someone crouched beside it, in the process of respawning their own teammates.
Pathfinder didn't hesitate. He unloaded his gun into their back and ran over to the beacon, hands shaking as he scanned Revenant's banner first, then Bloodhound's. The sound of the drop ship rumbled in the distance and Pathfinder paced nervously, grabbing a few nearby shield cells and some more ammo.
Revenant was the first one out of the ship. Relief flooded through Pathfinder, and he moved forward to greet him, but stopped when he saw the expression on his teammate's face. He looked angry and bitter and almost in despair. Before Pathfinder could say a word, Revenant howled angrily, punching the respawn beacon and leaving a massive dent in the side. "Why. Can't. I just. DIE already!" he growled, now banging his head against the beacon.
Pathfinder immediately was at his side, grabbing his shoulders to try and stop him from hurting himself, but that only made Revenant angrier, and he shoved Pathfinder away so hard that he fell over. "YOU! You couldn't just leave me, could you? You had to play the hero, didn't you?"
"I--I--" Pathfinder stammered, at a loss. He didn't understand why Revenant was so angry at him. Revenant took a menacing step towards him, but then Bloodhound was jumping out of the ship and running over to them. "What is going on here?!" they demanded, grabbing Revenant's arm and yanking him away from Pathfinder. "He just saved your rassinn and now you are bullying him? What is wrong with you?" They let go of his arm and crouched next to Pathfinder. "You are okay, felagi? He did not harm you?"
"N-no, I mean, not really," Pathfinder stuttered. "Friend, what did I do wrong?" he asked Revenant pleadingly. Revenant was silent, refusing to look him in the eye, and after a few seconds he turned around and disappeared down the stairs that led to the inside of the building.
"Jackass," Bloodhound mumbled as they helped Pathfinder to his feet, and Pathfinder wondered vaguely where they had learned that word. Probably from Mirage. "Come, we must be ready for the next ring movement."
Everything after that was a blur. The ring grew smaller, and finally the last two members of the last enemy team rushed them inside the building they were hiding in. Bloodhound and Revenant had easily taken them out before Pathfinder even had a chance to fire his gun, and they were declared the Apex Champions.
Revenant still would not look Pathfinder in the eye.
Afterwards, when they had all returned to their shared housing, exhausted and sweaty from their long day on the island, Bloodhound had held Pathfinder back at the main entrance. "Are you alright, felagi?" they had asked quietly, gently laying their hand on his shoulder.
Pathfinder sighed. "Yes. I mean, no. Not really." He watched Revenant's back as he disappeared further into the housing area, stalking towards his room. "I don't really understand what happened today. I thought I did well."
"You did do well," Bloodhound agreed. "Were it not for you, Revenant and I would surely have perished outside the ring. For that, I am grateful."
"You are welcome, friend," Pathfinder replied, but his voice was still tinged with sadness. He paused. "Do you think he hates me?"
Bloodhound sighed and crossed their arms. "I do not claim to know what that man feels, if he feels anything. But..." they tapped their chin thoughtully. "Somehow, I do not think that he hates you."
"Really?" Pathfinder brightened up a little at that. "Should I try to talk to him again, you think?"
Pathfinder could hear the smile in Bloodhound's voice when they spoke. "Perhaps you should wait a bit. Go, clean up, refuel, and allow him to do the same. Perhaps then he will be more open to you." They lowered their voice. "Do not speak of this to him, but...I have a feeling that the Allfather has brought you together for a reason. What reason, I do not know. But perhaps it will be revealed to you." they paused. "However, if he treats you badly again as he did today, do not hesitate to tell me, and I will...how does Bangalore say it...'bring the pain.'"
Pathfinder laughed. "Okay, friend. I'm sure that won't be necessary. But thank you! Thank you for everything!" With that, he ran off excitedly.
***
Pathfinder took Bloodhound's advice, and went to the shower first. He turned on the faucet and let the water flow over him, rinsing the day's dust and grime from his frame, and he thought once again about what Revenant had said earlier when he leapt from the drop ship.
"Why can't I just die already?"
Pathfinder clenched his hands into fists, and rested his forehead on the tiled shower wall. He knew that Revenant was deeply unhappy, and angry at the whole world in a way that Pathfinder didn't really understand, but he had never thought it was this bad.
Pathfinder knew what it was like to be frustrated by the limitations of his body, of course. He didn't show it in front of the other legends, but he had always felt he was lacking something in comparison to them. A human brain? A heart? He didn't know exactly what it was that caused him such unease, but it troubled him nonetheless, a constant reminder in the back of his mind that he was different from everyone else. However, it had never caused him to wish death upon himself. It only fueled his desire to learn more about humans, to emulate them to the best of his ability, to become more like them so he could interact with them and understand them better. With Revenant, it was different.
Pathfinder knew that Revenant had been human once, long ago. None of the other Legends seemed to realize it, but to him, it was plain as day. Something in the way he acted, he spoke--there was just something inherently human about it all--but distorted, corrupted, like a file that had been copied one too many times. Maybe that was why he seemed to resent his own existence--and why he wished death upon himself, far more, it seemed, than he did on anyone around him.
Pathfinder may not have had a human heart, but seeing Revenant loathe himself so much broke something inside of him. It caused him a type of pain that he didn't previously know he was capable of feeling. It made him want to reach out, to show Revenant that he wasn't completely alone in the world. He didn't understand what could possibly make someone want to die, but...he wanted to understand. He wanted to understand so that he could help Revenant to not feel that way.
Slowly, he turned off the faucet, and the water slowed to a drip. He grabbed a towel and dried off his frame, the soft fabric squeaking against metal in a way that it would never do on human skin. It troubled him for a second, but he shrugged it off, tossing the towel into the laundry hamper and making his way back to his room. There he stood for a moment, lost in thought. He wondered if he ought to go refuel like Bloodhound suggested, but he decided against it. Something inside him made him feel like he couldn't wait. He needed to see Revenant right now.
When he arrived at Revenant's quarters, the door was slightly ajar. He paused, wondering if this really was the right time to do this. Would Revenant be open at all to anything he had to say? Would he ever be? He had to try, or he would never know.
"Hello?" He called, knocking gently on the doorframe, slowly pushing the door open with his other hand--and he was immediately met with a knife to his throat.
"Get out," Revenant growled, his voice low and hoarse.
Pathfinder raised his hands in a nonthreatening gesture. "I am not here to fight, friend," he assured him. He had brought no weapons, had not even brought his grappling hook, which he normally took everywhere. He had been sure to leave behind anything that could be construed as a way to harm Revenant. "I just want to talk."
"I have nothing to say to you, robot," Revenant replied, his eyes narrowing as he pressed the knife harder against Pathfinder's throat--not enough to harm him, but as a warning. "I won't say it again. Get out of my quarters, or I'll kill you."
Pathfinder didn't budge. "Hear me out, please." He kept his hands in the air, but refused to take a step back. "I am worried about you."
Revenant sneered, but he lowered the knife and took a step back. "Don't patronize me. Just leave me alone, and I'll let you live to see another day." He turned his back on Pathfinder, grimacing as he caught a glance of himself in the large mirror on his wall.
"Please, friend. I know that you're unhappy. I want to help you."
"I'm not your friend!" Revenant roared, whipping around to come face to face with Pathfinder once more. "What the hell do you know about being unhappy? You're a machine! Nothing but steel and circuits! You know nothing of how I feel!"
"That may be true, friend," Pathfinder admitted, "But I still have emotions. And I can see when someone is hurting. So please, let me help you."
"You can't help me," Revenant scoffed, turning around once more and taking a few steps across the room to sit down on the edge of his bed, running his metal fingers over the edge of his knife. "No one can."
Pathfinder stayed where he was, but his chest ached. "How do you know that if you won't even let anyone try?"
Revenant glared at him. "I don't need to. No one here could possibly understand. They all see me as a freak, a killer, a mindless machine. And that's exactly what I am."
"You are not," Pathfinder replied, determination in his voice. "You're just a person. Maybe not the person you used to be. But still a person, with feelings." He took a tentative step forward. "Some people call me a mindless machine, too. But I'm not. I know I'm not. And you most certainly are not, friend." Revenant remained silent, glaring at the floor. So Pathfinder pushed on. "I know you weren't always this way. You weren't always so angry, and...you didn't always hate yourself so much."
"And how do you know that?" Revenant narrowed his eyes, still not looking up, his fingertips still playing with the blade he held.
"I just feel it. I think someone hurt you...maybe a lot of someones, and maybe...now you think you deserve to be hurt."
Revenant snorted. "What, you're the team therapist now? Don't make me laugh. You don't know what it's like to really hurt. Not yet."
"That's probably true," Pathfinder agreed, and took another cautious step forward. "I'm sure that I haven't experienced anything close to what you have, friend."
"Then why are you here in my quarters, acting like you could possibly know how I feel?"
"Because I care about you," Pathfinder said simply. "I care about all of my friends."
Revenant grunted. "I'm not your friend," he said again, but it lacked the same aggression that it had before. He waved his hand. "Close the door if you're going to stay in here."
Pathfinder obliged, closing the door with a soft click. He gestured to the chair that accompanied a desk straight across from the bed. "May I sit down?" Revenant nodded, still refusing to look him in the eye. Pathfinder slowly crossed the room and gingerly sat on the chair.
"So, dare I ask what brought this on?"
Pathfinder paused for a moment. "...I heard you say that you wanted to die." He twiddled his thumbs. "When I respawned you today."
"And?" Revenant's glare could have burned a hole in the floor. "I feel like that every day. It's nothing special."
"Yes, well..." Pathfinder paused. "That's what worries me. I know that our occupation carries this risk each time we enter a game, but...as far as I know, none of our teammates have ever wished for it. From what I understand, when a human feels that way, it indicates that they need...help of some kind. And so I'm trying to help you, friend."
"I don't need your help," Revenant retorted, but there was something in his tone that made Pathfinder think otherwise. "And I'm not human. Not any more."
"Maybe not," Pathfinder said softly, "But you're more human than I am. And even I need help with things sometimes."
Revenant clenched his fist around the knife, making a horrible screeching noise of metal on metal. "More human than you? Don't make me laugh. You're the one here feeling emotions about me, wanting to help me, when I've never done a thing for you. Seems pretty pathetically human to me."
"Then maybe we're both closer to humanity than we think," Pathfinder insisted, resisting the urge to reach out and touch Revenant's hand. "Just talk to me?" he asked, and finally Revenant tilted his head up to look at him.
"Fine. But don't think I won't slaughter you in the ring afterwards."
"That's fine," Pathfinder assured him, a smiling face popping up on his chest screen. "I'm not as easy to take down as you might think."
They sat in silence for a few moments, before Pathfinder cautiously asked "How long have you been feeling this way?"
Revenant was quiet for so long that Pathfinder thought he might be simply ignoring him. But finally he spoke up. "Ever since I realized that I wasn't human any more. Ever since I knew what I had become." He clenched his fists, eyes burning with anger and frustration.
"I'm sorry, friend," Pathfinder said quietly. "That sounds very difficult. I've never known anything but being a robot, but all I've ever wanted was to embrace humanity. To become human, I guess." He looked down at his open hands. "To be human, and have it taken away from you...I can't imagine the pain."
"No one can!" Revenant roared in frustration. "None of these skin bags know what it's like! If they'd been through what I've been through, they'd go crazy too! They'd want to kill themselves too!" He flung the knife at the mirror, embedding it in the glass and sending cracks across its surface.
"Friend, dying will not solve this," Pathfinder said quietly. "We've got to find a way to help you. We can do it, I know we can."
"No, we can't!" Revenant jumped up from the bed and began pacing back and forth, almost hysterical. "I need to just do it," he insisted, waving his hands around erratically and almost clocking Pathfinder in the head. "I need to die. It's the only way to end this. And Hammond Robotics can't find me. You can't let them bring me back again!" He cried, grabbing Pathfinder's shoulders and shaking him. "I just want to go in peace! I just want to die like a normal human. Can't I just have that?!?"
Pathfinder's chest ached, and in a moment of spontaneity, and perhaps stupidity, he stood up and and held out his arms, moving forward as if to take the simulacrum in front of him into his arms--but Revenant yelled out a sharp "No!" and Pathfinder jumped back, flinching.
"No," Revenant repeated, but he wasn't even looking at Pathfinder, instead burying his face in his clawed hands. "Don't touch me," he said, and Pathfinder felt that it meant to come out as a demand, but Revenant's voice was almost pleading--shaking, as badly as his shoulders were. "Not like this. Not while I'm like this."
Seeing Revenant this way, so vulnerable and upset, made Pathfinder want to cry. "Like what, friend?" he asked quietly, clasping his hands together in order to resist the urge to reach out and stroke him comfortingly. "I don't see a thing wrong with the way you are."
Revenant let out a bitter laugh. "Look at me. I'm a walking nightmare. Literally. I see my own face in my dreams--I can't even stand looking in a mirror. I never asked for this. I never asked to keep being rebuilt over and over until I can't even remember my own name. I'm just Revenant now--the old me is gone for good. He's never coming back."
"I'm so sorry that this happened to you, friend," Pathfinder said quietly. "And I would have loved to meet the old you. But I'm happy that I met Revenant, too. Even if you hate yourself--even if you can't see a single positive thing about who you are or how you look--I'll still see the good in you, friend. I'll love you enough for both of us."
"Love?" Revenant scoffed and shook his head. "Don't pretend you and I are capable of things like love."
"I'm not pretending," Pathfinder said, looking down at his own clasped hands. "I do feel love. I love all of my friends, all of the Legends here. And that includes you." He looked up again to meet Revenant's gaze. "It's okay to need help. It's okay to let someone love you. I promise, friend, I will never intentionally hurt you."
Revenant was silent for a moment, just looking back at Pathfinder, exhaustion in his eyes. Then he let out a defeated sigh and sat back down on the bed. "If you tell anyone else about this conversation, I'll kill you," he mumbled. He absentmindedly ran one clawed fingertip down the length of his forearm, making a faint screeching noise and leaving a thin trail of scratched paint in its wake.
Pathfinder resisted the urge to stop him. "I won't tell anyone," he promised. "But...if things get this bad again...promise you'll come to me first, friend. Promise me that you'll talk it over before acting on it."
Revenant paused for a moment, then nodded grudgingly.
Pathfinder beamed at him, a smiling face lighting up his screen.
Revenant waved him away, looking almost embarrassed. "Whatever. Don't think that this means I'll go easy on you in the ring."
"Of course not," Pathfinder said cheerily, giving him a thumbs-up. "Please do fight me with everything you have! I enjoy competing with you, and look forward to more matches together, friend."
Revenant nodded again and then stood up, glancing at the broken mirror and then looking back at Pathfinder. "I'm not going to thank you. I didn't ask for your help."
"You're very welcome," Pathfinder replied genuinely, little pixelated hearts appearing on his screen, and something stirred in Revenant's chest, something that he had thought was long gone, something that he had only echoes of memories of. It unsettled him, and he looked away.
"I'll let you have some time alone now, friend," Pathfinder said. "I'm sure I've invaded your personal space enough for today. Please don't hesitate to come see me if you need to!"
"...Yeah," Revenant mumbled.
"Great! See you in the ring, friend!" Another cheerful thumbs-up, and Pathfinder was gone, leaving Revenant staring blankly at the door.
He looked down at his open hands. Clawed fingertips and scuffed palms stared back at him.
Pathfinder's words rung in his head. "Maybe we're closer to humanity than we think."
Revenant almost believed him.