Archive of Our Own

“Go left, idiot!”

“Oh, well, sorry for going right and carrying this fucking team, Dawon! Maybe next time I get shot at by the other team I’ll just grab the bullets and shove them up my-”

“Can you two shut the fuck up!? Chanhee’s been crying for five minutes because a level three Zarya took him out.”

Sanghyuk leans back, groaning as he listens to the shouting voices over his headset. It’s late - the digital clock on his desk reads 3:05AM, but it felt much earlier. It’s probably because of the amount of caffeinated drinks he’d been forcing down his throat since he first got home that afternoon; the bottles clink together when he toes the trash can underneath his desk. 

It was Friday night, and while most of Sanghyuk’s friends were out on dates or getting plastered in the bars around campus; he and his three closest friends (aside from one) would stay up until ungodly hours of the night, pumped full of adrenaline from carbonated drinks and snacks. They would waste the night playing video games together for one of their friend’s livestreams - Rowoon was becoming increasingly popular within the gaming community.

And, at the same time, he was growing increasingly tired of Sanghyuk making faces at his webcam instead of playing Overwatch, as the latter had requested they play for the entire night.

“Do I have to come over to your dorm right now and beat you into playing?” Seokwoo snaps, his tone sharp over the mic. Sanghyuk laughs, raising his eyebrows as he turns his attention back to his largest monitor. He had two in total; the other displayed his own webcam from his video call with his friends, and underneath was Seokwoo’s livestream chat. 

“No, baby, it’s fine.”

He glances at the comments, seeing them erupt for a brief moment. He giggles, but feels exhaustion begin to rise in his chest. It had been a long day; he was ready to leave the game and climb into bed. His sugar rush was fading exceptionally fast.

“Rowu,” their youngest friend, Chanhee, comes onto the call suddenly, after having been muted for a rough ten minutes since he’d been absolutely slaughtered by the other team repeatedly, “I hate this game.”

“We can change it. Three minutes left in the game, though.” Seokwoo hums. He’d always had a soft spot for Chanhee; the younger was still in high school, and would be graduating that summer to hopefully join Sanghyuk and the rest of his friends at their college. “What do you guys want to play, CSgo? Minecraft?”

“I’m down for whatever.” The final member of their team, Taeyang, sounds just as tired as Sanghyuk feels. “Dawon, what are you thinking?”

The older’s caught off guard by his alias, but he swallows his shock easily. “I was gonna go to bed. I’m tired.”

He skims the chat quickly, a few disappointed comments making him feel a bit ecstatic. Seokwoo’s fans were sweet; they donated to him often over his livestreams, and always showed support to his friends like Sanghyuk and the rest of their small team in the comments.

“Pussy.” Seokwoo, however, was not as nice. Not over the call, at least. He had a persona to uphold online. In person, however, he was more maternal than anything else.

“Hey-” Sanghyuk’s suddenly cut off by the feeling of somebody pushing his arm upwards from where it’s poised over his keyboard. He gasps, not needing to look to know who’s attempting to crawl onto his lap while he’s playing. “Juho, Juho no, please.”

“Sanghyuk…”

“I’m about to die. Please,” Sanghyuk lifts his arm for the other to climb onto him easier though he complains the entire time, and he cranes his neck to see over his friend’s shoulder when he plops down into his lap, his legs wrapping around Sanghyuk’s waist tightly. “Juho…”

Sanghyuk feels his heartbeat spike when the other whines out a quiet, “shut up,” against his neck, breath hot on his skin. 

“How was your date?” He murmurs, leaning forward to see the screen more easily as the other shifts on top of him, lowering his head to fit comfortably in the crook of Sanghyuk’s shoulder and neck. 

“He stood me up,” Juho states simply, his words melting into each other ever so slightly. If Sanghyuk didn’t know him so well, he wouldn’t have any idea that the other was drunk. Though, he’d known Juho since they were in middle school; he knew all of his quirks, as the other did his. “So I went out with Jaeyoon instead.”

“He drove you back, right?” Sanghyuk feels the other nod against himself, and he copies the motion. “Good.”

“Dawon, on your left.”

“Is that Chanhee?” Juho raises his head, pressing his ear against the side of one of Sanghyuk’s headphones after hearing the loud voice over the call. “Chanhee...”

“Oh my God. Give Juho the headphones.” Seokwoo coos, dropping his act for just a moment as he decides he wants to dote on his other friend a bit. Sanghyuk notices a few comments from Seokwoo’s chat calling Juho cute.

“What? No, we’re in the middle of a-”

“GIVE JUHO THE FUCKING HEADPHONES NOW.” Chanhee is inhuman. Sanghyuk obeys immediately at the younger’s outburst, happily handing over his headset to Juho, who makes grabby motions for it the moment it’s off of Sanghyuk’s head. 

Sanghyuk chuckles as Juho attempts to fit the headset on over his head, ending up forcing his once styled bangs down over his forehead messily when he finally manages to put the device on.

“Hi,” Juho hums, the last vowel hanging on his lips for a moment before he’s quiet again. Sanghyuk bites his lip, trying to focus on his game even though Juho’s pressing closer to his chest, leaning easily into him as he speaks quietly to his friends, complaining about how, yet again, he’d run into trouble in another one of his relationships.

Sanghyuk can’t even begin to understand the other’s frustration. He pities him, knowing Juho was putting his all into every relationship, only to get nothing in return. But, that was college, wasn’t it?

Of course Sanghyuk liked Juho - who wouldn’t? He knows, though, that he could never come close to what the other wanted or deserved, so he had never confessed. He wasn’t Juho’s type; he was loud and too hot-headed for his own good. Juho, on the other hand, was quiet and reasonable. They were polar opposites; Sanghyuk supposes it’s what makes their friendship work so well. He knows, though, that it would never be like that in a relationship.

So Sanghyuk doesn’t try. 

He keeps his feelings inside, knowing that they’d only ever creep out in the rare moments when Juho would be too drunk to comprehend that Sanghyuk’s doting nature was more than him being friendly, that him taking care of the other relentlessly to make sure he was okay was him trying to feel like something more, even if it was only for a few minutes. 

Sanghyuk would never force anything onto the other, but when Juho was drunk he couldn’t help but be just a bit more lenient towards obeying everything the younger said, and especially couldn't help catering to his each and every need.

Juho sighs, lifting the headset carefully off of his head before handing it over to Sanghyuk. “Rowoon says you’re doing a bad job.”

“Fuck yeah! Tell him, Juho!”

“Get his ass, king!”

Taeyang and Chanhee shout respectively from their ends of the call, and Sanghyuk scoffs before setting the headset on his desk. He watches the game counter tick downwards from five seconds to four, to three, until it’s at zero and a victory animation scrolls across his screen. It lights up his dark room for a moment, the yellow flash of color illuminating his eyes and desk before it fades to black. “I’m gonna go to bed,” he starts, signing off of the game before he closes it, doing the same with Seokwoo’s stream before he opens up his call. His own face shows to himself, but all he can focus on is Juho curling up further in his lap, eyeing the screen warily before pressing his face to Sanghyuk’s chest.

“Goodnight!”

“Bye~.”

“Play better next time.”

Sanghyuk hangs up, turns his final screen off, and the room darkens completely. Juho mumbles something against the older’s shirt, whining as he clenches his fists tight around Sanghyuk’s hoodie. 

“Let’s go to bed,” the ebony haired man states, sliding off of his chair before adjusting Juho in his arms. The younger stays pressed up against him tightly, legs swung around the other’s hips. “Fuck that guy who stood you up.”

“Fuck that guy,” Juho repeats in a happy tone, giggling slightly. Sanghyuk grins, biting his lip as he shifts open his bedroom door. 

Their dorm was small, but comfortable nonetheless. The kitchen and living room were connected, and aside from their bedrooms, the only other room was a small bathroom. Sanghyuk brings Juho to the kitchen, adjusting his grip on the other before he grabs a glass to fill with water.

“You don’t need to throw up, right?”

“Uh-uh.” Juho mumbles, his grip on the other tightening slightly. “‘M okay…”

Sanghyuk fills the glass in silence before carrying the other back to his room, opening the door before stepping inside. Usually, Juho hated Sanghyuk going into his room, but now there’s no complaint as the older carries the other into it, setting him gently on his bed. 

A small stuffed lion sits on Juho’s pillow. Sanghyuk’s lips part softly when he sees it, and he reaches a disbelieving hand forward before picking it up. Juho watches him, but says nothing as he slides underneath his blankets.

The animal is soft in Sanghyuk’s hand, fuzzy yellow wool tickling his palm as he turns it over to look at it thoroughly. 

“You still have this?”

“Of course.”

It was a gift Sanghyuk had gotten for Juho a few years back, after the other had expressed how cute he found it when they passed it in a mall’s claw machine. Sanghyuk had gone back for it immediately, wasting almost fifty dollars to get the stupid thing. 

The look on Juho’s face, though, when Sanghyuk walked into the clothing store with the stuffed animal in his hand, was enough to make the older overlook the money he’d spent on winning it. 

“You got it for me…” Juho reaches up for it, and Sanghyuk hands it over before the other pulls it against his chest, burying his face against the doll. 

Sanghyuk’s heart sinks as Juho looks up to him, wide doe eyes staring dotingly up to him. His cheeks have the faintest red tint to them, the only physical tell to the amount of liquor he’d poured into his system that night. 

“Go to bed, Juho.” Sanghyuk murmurs lowly, turning on his heel before fleeing the room with his head bent towards the floor. He shuts the door behind himself before he leans against it, biting his lip. “Fuck…”

“Well, good morning sexy.”

Sanghyuk frowns, taking a slow sip of his coffee as he stares at the boy sitting on his desk. The cold drink pierces his throat when he swallows it, causing him to shiver slightly underneath his jacket. “Get off of my desk, Taeyang.”

The boy frowns, raising his eyebrows before slipping silently off of the desk. Instead, he falls back into Sanghyuk’s chair. He pats his lap encouragingly. “Don’t just stand there, class is starting.”

“Get up.”

Sanghyuk had a shitty weekend. He’d slept in Friday, only to wake up to see Juho had already left their dorm on Saturday even though they’d planned to go out that day together. Of course, Sanghyuk wasn’t upset, he just assumed that Juho had forgotten and went about his day as if nothing had happened. And Sunday had been uneventful, as well, except for the fact that Juho had brought some stranger home while Sanghyuk was sleeping.

Sanghyuk and Juho’s one night fling had bumped into each other that morning. Sanghyuk, with a comic he’d been reading prior to leaving his room pinned under his arm, and the stranger without a shirt, standing in front of the sink as he drank a glass of water.

Of course, Sanghyuk was used to seeing Juho’s partners around, and had grown oddly familiar with the twisting jealousy that encircled his mind and heart when he realized what their connection was with his friend.

Though, he had crept silently into the kitchen to avoid disturbing the other, and Sanghyuk heard the phone call the man was having as he tried to snatch a box of cereal from the pantry undetected.

“No, this is the guy I was supposed to see Friday… Huh? Oh, nah. I went out with Changkyun instead.” He paused. Sanghyuk bristled. “Nah, I really only wanted to hook up with this guy. I’m pretty sure he likes me though, which is super awkward…” The other had clearly thought he was still alone, and Sanghyuk held his silence for just a moment more as the other had finished. “I might toy with him a bit, honestly. He’s a pretty good fu-”

“Get the fuck out of my dorm.”

“Well, somebody had a bad morning.” Taeyang huffs, standing up. His hair had recently been dyed; a dark blue that shimmers in the fluorescent lights of the classroom. He shoves his hands into the pockets of his red hoodie, unhappily falling onto Sanghyuk’s lap the moment the older sits down. 

“Taeyang!” He hisses, attempting to shove the other off. Taeyang instead turns around, swinging his legs around Sanghyuk’s hips in a complete mockery of how Juho had while they were on a call together. “Taeyang, get off of me.”

“Sanghyuk,” Taeyang whines, deepening his voice in an attempt to further resemble Juho. All of Sanghyuk’s friends knew about his little crush, and took every chance they could to tease him. Sanghyuk didn’t want to ruin their fun, and begrudgingly let them hang it over his head that he’d fallen for somebody who would never be interested in him. Though, they didn’t know how deeply they were digging the already sunken knife into Sanghyuk’s heart with each jab. “Sanghyuk, I love you…”

Today, Sanghyuk isn’t in the mood. He leans forward and bites Taeyang’s shoulder, causing the other to gasp and jump off of him.

“Psychopath!”

“Idiot!” Sanghyuk shoots back, narrowing his eyes. “Leave me alone.”

Taeyang scoffs, snatching a chair from a nearby table before setting it next to Sanghyuk’s. “Okay,” he raises his hands defensively, “I’m done. What happened to you?”

Sanghyuk immediately dives into his recount of the weekend, sparing no details as Taeyang diligently listens, nodding and humming along as Sanghyuk speaks to let the older know he’s listening. 

When Sanghyuk finally gets to what had happened that morning, Taeyang seems just as unamused.

“We should kick his ass. What was his name?”

“I don’t know… Yoongi, I think?”

“I know him. Let’s kick his ass after class,” Taeyang seems excited at the premise of a fight, but Sanghyuk only shakes his head. “What? Come on, why not? Don’t be a pussy.”

“Juho likes him.” Sanghyuk grumbles. “He doesn’t know Yoongi was fucking with him, and I don’t want him to find out. I’ll handle it.” Taeyang grows curious with the previous statement, so Sanghyuk feels the need to clarify. “I’m not beating this guy up.”

Taeyang rolls his eyes, throwing his legs up over Sanghyuk’s lap. “Whatever, pussy.” He laughs, closing his eyes. “Wake me up when class is over, yeah? Youngkyun and I have plans.”

Annoyed, Sanghyuk only groans in agreement, staring forwards at the front of the classroom as he crosses his arms. Their professor walks into the room soon after Taeyang begins snoring, and Sanghyuk finds himself unable to pay attention no matter how hard he tries. 

Sanghyuk can’t keep his mind off of Juho. It was often like this; though, usually he was able to control his thoughts. Now, however, they stray to the younger no matter how hard he tries to control them. He remembers meeting him when they were younger; how he had immediately taken interest in the shy boy sitting alone in the corner of the library, buried in his sweater as he read some Naruto book. 

And, well, all Sanghyuk could do was join him at that point. Every day at the same time they’d meet in the library. Juho, reading comics and mangas while Sanghyuk would play on his handheld video game consoles, sitting only inches apart from each other. 

Their friendship had started then, while they were two awkward middle schoolers hiding in the library in an attempt to get away from their lives for a while with each other. But Sanghyuk’s crush -- he cringes even thinking of the word. He hates it. It feels too childish, yet love feels far too powerful for him to toss around so loosely, even in his head.

His feelings had stemmed from their first day of junior year. Juho had wandered into the bathroom while he was trying to ditch his PE class; Sanghyuk vaguely remembers him having been complaining of a twisted ankle, yet nobody believed him and so he had taken drastic measures to avoid any active class that day. Regardless, he’d walked into the same bathroom where Sanghyuk was washing blood off of his knuckles and down the sink drain, wincing at the feeling of the unheated school’s water washing over his wounds. 

Juho had silently walked over to him, gently taking his hands into his own to examine the injuries on Sanghyuk’s fists before he’d begun rummaging through his backpack for something. He’d come away from it moments later with pastel colored bandages, and had gone to work on fixing Sanghyuk as well as he could with the small, colorful band-aids. 

Sanghyuk sighs, carding his fingers through his hair as he turns to look at the clock on the far side of the classroom from himself. There wasn’t much time left in the class, but every minute feels like an hour to Sanghyuk. 

Taeyang shifts next to him, cracking an eye open groggily before he looks around, as if he’d forgotten where he was. He groans, rolling his eyes back before he shuts them again. Sanghyuk smirks, shaking his head as he watches Taeyang attempt to fall asleep once again.

Class is dismissed early that afternoon, but early is still relatively late in the day.

Sanghyuk doesn’t care to listen to the excuse his professor give them, just grabs his bag and slings it quickly over his shoulder before he shakes Taeyang awake, leaving the other behind as he makes his way impatiently to the door as the younger wakes up behind him.

On his way out of the room, Sanghyuk pauses to throw out his coffee. The plastic cup thuds against the rest of the trash in the bin, still filled with watered down coffee as the ice that had once cooled it had melted during the class.

“Sanghyuk!” The other calls, but he’s ultimately ignored by the ebony haired man as he exits the room. He doesn’t know why he wants to get home so badly, he just knows he’d rather be nowhere else than laying in bed or logging onto his computer to play some game he can lose himself in for a while. 

So, Sanghyuk rushes back towards the campus dorms, jogging once he exits the college itself down the sidewalk. He can taste the rain in the air when he breathes in, inhaling the scent of the grass having just been cut on the lawns surrounding the dorm before exhaling, drawing his jacket tighter around himself. The sky brews darkly overhead, and Sanghyuk huffs when he feels a raindrop hit him on the nose.

He raises his hood, hurrying down the pavement before he crosses the barren street to get to the dorms across the road from the campus. His building was deep inside the maze of buildings, though, and he walks quickly in the direction of it as he pulls his hood down farther, the rain beginning to come down hesitantly around him. He knows it’ll get harsher soon, but for a moment he finds the light pattering of the drops against the leaves on the trees and the pavement soothing. 

A familiar, tall brunette stands underneath the overhang of Sanghyuk’s dorm building. A cigarette hangs from his lips, and when he sees Sanghyuk he instinctively takes a drag and hands the stick over. Sanghyuk nods once to him in greeting, parting his lips for the other to place the white end of the stick between his teeth for him. 

“Seokwoo,” he hums, inhaling briefly before he pulls the cigarette away from his lips, giving it back to the other, “God, those taste like shit.”

“They’re not supposed to be good,” Seokwoo smirks, raising an eyebrow. The sky flashes, and a rumble of thunder shakes the ground lightly. Sanghyuk turns to look back at the road, watching a light haze begin to cover it from the torrent of rain that begins falling, berating the pavement angrily. “You look tense. Something happened with you-know-who?” Seokwoo looks down to Sanghyuk knowingly, taking a slow drag of his cigarette, blowing out a ring of smoke. Sanghyuk watches it rise, dissipating over Seokwoo’s head like a halo. 

“Nothing really,” Sanghyuk mumbles, leaning against the wall beside Seokwoo. He briefly tells the other what he’d told Taeyang, but he’s tired and leaves out almost everything except for that morning. 

Seokwoo nods, his silence comforting in its own odd way as Sanghyuk stands at his side, listening to the rain calmly. He feels better knowing that his home is only two floors above where he currently stands, likely curled up on the couch watching a movie as he had no classes for the day. And, of course, he was close to his dorm, too. 

Seokwoo scuffs the toe of his worn black sneaker against the ground, following Sanghyuk’s gaze towards the sidewalk in front of the dorm building.

“Have you ever told him you like him?” Seokwoo questions, finishing his cigarette before he turns and tosses it unceremoniously onto one of the many ashtrays that litter their campus. Sanghyuk shakes his head.

“You know I can’t.”

“Why not? There’s no harm in confessing your undying love to your best friend.”

Seokwoo shrieks with his giggles when Sanghyuk turns to punch his arm, laughing with disbelief. “Come on! I couldn’t tell him.”

Thunder booms above the two again, and Sanghyuk sighs, his smile falling. “I can’t tell him.”

When Sanghyuk finally goes inside, opening his apartment door, Juho’s nowhere to be seen. Sanghyuk can’t help but feel slightly disappointed, but nonetheless he shrugs off his bag and lets it drop onto the kitchen floor before he shuts the front door. 

He walks to his bedroom, falling in front of his desktop before he powers it on, yawning into his palm. It only takes a few minutes for him to log onto the computer, and after he’s in it takes him no time to open up his messenger app. 

Chanhee’s already online; he must have ditched school again. He’s in an empty voice call, so Sanghyuk joins it to provide company for the other. “What are we playing?” He greets the other, strapping on his headset. Chanhee gasps.

“Christ! Don’t scare me like that, let me know in the chat when you’re coming in…”

“Did you not go to school today?” Sanghyuk questions, sliding his hand into his pocket to pull out his phone, checking to make sure nobody had texted him.

“I’m sick,” Chanhee grumbles. “I’ve been going through it all day.”

“Want me to come over?” Sanghyuk offers, earning a small, choked noise from Chanhee.

“You live so far away… I wouldn’t ask you to do that.”

“I like driving. I’m on my way.” 

Sanghyuk hangs up the call, turning his computer off once again before he stands up, sighing. As he leaves his room, his hand falls onto a black helmet sitting on his nightstand, and he grabs it idly. 

Juho’s standing in the kitchen when Sanghyuk exits his room. The younger eyes the helmet suspiciously before turning his attention to the weather outside. “You’re not going out in this storm, right?” Concern laces his tone, and Sanghyuk melts at the thought of the other taking care of him for once. It was rare for Juho to audibly voice his concern; usually he only showed it through silent actions.

So, internally, Sanghyuk is a puddle. Externally, though, he smirks and waves his helmet teasingly in front of the other. “I’ll be fine. Driving in the rain is fun.”

“Driving in the rain is dangerous on a bike.” Juho argues defensively, leaning against the counter. Sanghyuk purses his lips, zipping up his jacket. “You should stay home.”

Something in Juho’s tone makes Sanghyuk pause. He turns to look at the younger, cocking a curious eyebrow upwards. Part of him has the feeling that Juho wants to add a small with me onto the end of his sentence. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing!” Juho’s eyes widen. “I just think you should stay home.” Again, his tone is off just enough for Sanghyuk to detect something’s wrong. He’s hiding something.

“Did something happen?” Sanghyuk frowns, taking a step towards Juho. The other laughs, but his gaze drops to the floor as he raises a hand to brush his hair back sheepishly. “Did somebody fuck with you?” Sanghyuk’s voice becomes harsher.

Sanghyuk continues advancing towards Juho until he has the other pinned to the counter, his hands on either side of the younger as he leans back against the linoleum countertop. His dark hair is messy, unkempt as it had just been slotted through by Juho’s slender fingers.

The younger looks up, breath hitching as Sanghyuk leans only about an inch away from him. His gaze darts sharply down to the older’s lips before it jumps back up, meeting his eyes. He smiles worriedly.

“Who fucked with you?” Sanghyuk asks once more, knowing that Juho had never asked Sanghyuk to stay home unless something was horribly wrong. And, judging by how nothing else seemed to be falling apart in their lives right now, Sanghyuk can only assume somebody had said something to put Juho on edge. 

And, if so, he wanted to take care of it.

“Nobody!” Juho starts, wide eyes staring pleadingly at Sanghyuk. “I promise, nobody said anything. I just think you should stay home.”

Sanghyuk takes a step back, nodding before he pushes his tongue against the inside of his cheek. “Then I’ll tell Chanhee nevermind.”

Juho nods encouragingly, staying pressed back against the counter as Sanghyuk walks back towards his room to call Chanhee in private.

“Staying home with your not so boyfriend boyfriend, huh?” Chanhee teases, drawing a scoff out from behind Sanghyuk’s lips.

“Don’t call him that.” He grumbles, pinning his phone between his ear and his shoulder as he sets his helmet back down on his nightstand. “He’s not my boyfriend.”

“But you want him to be.”

“Knock it off.” Each time Sanghyuk’s reminded of his brutally unrequited attraction, his heart sinks further. Chanhee laughs, but Sanghyuk only sighs, blowing his bangs back harshly. “I’m so fucking tired of you guys making those jokes, I’ll be honest.”

“We’re only fucking with you,” Chanhee whines, not understanding the severity of Sanghyuk’s feelings. 

“Yeah, well, it’s cruel. You know he’d never fuck with me like that, do you not get how badly that shit sucks?” Before Chanhee can even respond, Sanghyuk continues. His anger is unwarranted, but he can’t hold it back anymore. He’s tired of hearing the same old shit, tired of being reminded that he’d never be good enough for someone like Juho. “You don’t! You really don’t.” 

“Sanghyuk-”

“You don’t know what it’s like to be in love with somebody who’s too good for you!”

The word falls from his lips before he can stop it. Sanghyuk freezes, feeling his heart drop even further as it dawns on him that he’s in love with the other. 

Love? No. No, he only liked him. He’s sure he only likes him; Sanghyuk wouldn’t know love if it punched him in the face. Regardless, he closes his eyes and takes a long breath in, holding it before blowing it out, calming himself down quickly. He lowers his voice. “I’m not mad. I’m sorry, I’m just so fucking tired of being reminded that Juho’s never going to feel the same way. I’m just…”

“I’m sorry.”

Sanghyuk looks around his dark room, putting his phone on speaker before pulling off his jacket and shirt, deciding to replace the articles with a black hoodie. “Don’t be.” He keeps his jeans on and picks his phone back up. 

He walks over to his door, voice softer as he turns off his phone’s speaker. “I’m gonna go.”

“Talk to you later.”

“Yeah.”

Sanghyuk throws his door open, immediately making eye contact with the man across the room from himself. 

He blinks, feeling an odd tension fall between them. It was new; things hadn’t been awkward with Juho before. Sanghyuk smiles, but he feels how it stops at the corners of his lips, refusing to meet his eyes. 

Had he heard?

“I’m thinking about eating the week old pasta in the fridge, good or bad idea?” 

Definitely not. Sanhyuk feels the tension rise from his nervous shoulders as relief floods his system. “Definitely don’t do that, you’ll get sick. There’s meat in the sauce,” Sanghyuk waves a hand dismissively, looking at the window that lines the wall behind the couch in the apartment’s living room. It’s getting darker outside; the clouds growing heavier with rain as time progresses. Inside, a golden haze fills the room from the lamp Juho had just put a new lightbulb into a few days before. The shadows are dangerous, creeping anywhere the light of the single lamp can’t reach. 

“It’s dark in here,” Sanghyuk observes, whistling softly. Juho looks around, clearly not having noticed the displacement of light in the room prior to Sanghyuk mentioning it.

“I guess so,” he agrees, shrugging. “What should we do for dinner?”

“Is that all you care about?” Sanghyuk smiles, walking into the kitchen. He opens the fridge, grabbing the container of old pasta before dumping it into the trash. “I mean, we really don’t have anything…” Sanghyuk frowns, digging around through the old takeout boxes and containers. “Fuck, do we really never clean this out?”

“It’s that bad?”

Sanghyuk definitely smells something rotting, and he recoils before he pulls his shirt up to cover his nose. “I think if I breathe this in I’ll die.” He quips, reaching forward with one hand to grab the first container he sees, tossing it into the trash. His other hand keeps his shirt pinned to his face as he continues to throw away everything he sees that he knows is old. 

Juho comes over to help him, pushing the trash can closer before crouching down next to Sanghyuk. “What if we ordered takeout?”

“Not after cleaning up this shit,” Sanghyuk scoffs, finally pulling away after clearing out the entirety of the fridge. A few bottles of various sauces and seasonings are practically the only objects staking claim on the fridge. “Maybe we should go grocery shopping.”

“Tonight?”

Sanghyuk turns to stare at the other incredulously. “Do you want to eat dirt tonight?”

“But it’s raining!”

“We’ll take my bike.” Juho frowns, raising an eyebrow. Sanghyuk smirks. “Unless you’re scared, of course.” 

At the insinuation, Juho parts his lips disbelievingly. “Of course I’m not scared!”

“Then let’s go, get your jacket on.”

Sanghyuk leaves no room for Juho to argue, and they both know it. They stand up, Juho darting out of the kitchen to go to his bedroom as Sanghyuk closes the fridge and pulls the bag out of the trash, tying the opened end of it up tightly before setting it next to the front door. 

He reaches up to open a cupboard above the sink, craning his neck to see inside of it before he pulls out an empty red box. He sighs, dropping it onto the counter in an annoyed manner. “Let’s start a list!” He calls, and Juho hums from the other room to let him know he’s listening. “Trash bags!”

Sanghyuk walks back to his room, snatching his helmet off of his nightstand once again before walking over to his bed, getting on his knees to peer underneath it. 

He reaches underneath it, pulling his lips together tightly as he stretches his arm into the darkness, shifting his hand until it knocks against something hard. He pulls it out, dusting off another helmet as he holds it in his lap. 

“We going?” 

Sanghyuk looks up to see Juho standing in the doorway, and he throws the clean helmet to him, opting to take the one he’d just fished out from underneath the bed for himself. It’s black and still soaked with dust, and a bit scuffed from disuse, but other than that it’s fine. Sanghyuk stands up, tossing the helmet onto his bed before he finds his jacket. 

Juho watches him pull it on, leaning against the doorframe as Sanghyuk picks his helmet back up, wiping it off with his sleeve. “Yeah,” he nods, walking over to the younger before pushing him off of the door. His eyes widen as he stumbles back into the room, laughing after he catches himself. Sanghyuk bites back his own laugh, shutting his bedroom door before he leads Juho to the front door. “Let’s go.”

Slinging the trash bag over his shoulder with one hand, Sanghyuk shoves his helmet on with the other before opening the door. Juho shuts it behind them, running to catch up to Sanghyuk. 

The dumpster lid slams shut with a deafening bang, and Juho winces disconcertedly from where he sits straddling Sanghyuk’s motorcycle, balancing his helmet in his hands. Sanghyuk wipes his hands on his jeans before he walks back towards the other, feeling in his pocket for his keys before he pulls them out. 

“What, you need help putting it on?” He pulls of his helmet before sitting down on the bike in front of Juho, turned around to face him. Juho pouts, turning away before shoving the helmet towards Sanghyuk. “Aw, cute.” Sanghyuk taunts, taking the helmet before turning Juho’s face back towards himself with his thumb and pointer finger, which lock gently under the other’s chin.

Sanghyuk pulls his hand away quickly, an embarrassed flush crossing his face before he shoves the helmet down over Juho’s head. He ties the strap of it tightly before he swings himself around on the bike, putting his own helmet on after he shoves the keys into the ignition.

The rain patters lightly against the ground still, and thunder only rolls in the distance. The storm had begun to pass, but the rain was having a hard time parting with the campus. The motorcycle currently rests in park on the first floor of the college’s parking garage; it wasn’t far from the dorms, so Juho and Sanghyuk had been there within a few moments of stepping into the cold weather outside. 

Sanghyuk steps on the gas, and the two go shooting forward much faster than Juho expected they would. He shrieks, pressing forward quickly to snake his arms around Sanghyuk’s waist. The older laughs, pulling out onto the road as he leans back, relishing in the feeling of the rain berating his skin combined with Juho’s arms tight around him. 

“Scared?” He coos, reaching a hand down to grab onto Juho’s. “Don’t worry,” he hums, unsure if the other can even hear him over the sound of the motor. “I’ve got you.”

“Put your hands back on the fucking bars,” Juho hisses, and Sanghyuk chuckles as he obliges, leaning back further as Juho leans forward, pressing his head against the older’s back. “I hate this.”

“Hmm? Sorry, what was that?” Sanghyuk teases.

“Oh, go to hell,” Juho snarks, his grip tightening on Sanghyuk’s sides when they go over a bump in the road. For a brief moment, they’re airbound, but it’s only by an inch and they come down smoothly. Sanghyuk wonders if Juho felt it or if he was so nervous he hadn’t realized, but regardless he slows down by a considerable amount. 

Their campus isn’t far from the store; they’re pulling into the parking lot a matter of minutes later. There wasn’t much traffic on the way there, and Sanghyuk doesn’t need to wonder why when a bolt of lightning flashes somewhere distant, lighting up the sky considerably.

Sanghyuk makes sure to park close to the building, pulling his helmet off to let the rain spray against his face as he sighs. “That wasn’t so bad, was it?” He turns to look at Juho, who’s pulling off his helmet roughly. Sanghyuk smiles softly when he sees the other’s messed up hair, and gently reaches forward to brush it back down so it looks at least partially like it had before he’d put on the helmet.

When Juho peers up at Sanghyuk through his lashes, the older’s heart skips a beat, and he drops his hands before he slips off of the bike. “Let’s go.” He mumbles, grabbing his keys before shoving his helmet under his arm, walking without Juho towards the store.

The other fumbles to get off of the bike, running to catch up to Sanghyuk. He stumbles into step next to him, angrily nudging the other. “Why do you keep running off without me!?” He grumbles, puffing out his cheeks. “Seriously, I’m gonna fall chasing after you one of these days.”

Sanghyuk scoffs weakly, setting his jaw as he pushes open the door to the grocery store. “I’ve fallen for you plenty of times before.”

Juho doesn’t realize the double meaning of Sanghyuk’s words; he only remembers the times Sanghyuk had, physically, fallen when he was around, whether it was caused by him or not. “Well, sure, but still! Don’t make me fall.”

Sanghyuk’s heart cracks. He feels it, actually feels the splitting of the muscle at Juho’s words. “You won’t.” He whispers, reaching down to grab a basket. You never could.

Juho follows after the other, unaware of Sanghyuk’s current conflict. “Are you paying or am I?”

“I don’t have my wallet,” Sanghyuk deadpans.

“Then I am!” Juho grins, noticing the other’s sullen expression. “What’s wrong?” 

“Nothing.” Sanghyuk ups his pace, and Juho raises his eyebrows as he chases after him. 

“Are you trying to run from me?” 

“Of course not!”

“Then stop running!” Juho reaches out to grab onto Sanghyuk’s arm, spinning him around roughly. The store around them is practically empty, so Juho makes sure his tone is loud as he scolds the other, knowing it won’t draw the attention of onlookers. “What’s going on with you!? You’ve been so tempermental lately!”

“I’m just tired,” Sanghyuk shakes the other’s arm off of himself, frowning. 

“So it’s not about whoever you’re hiding from me?”

“What?”

“You were practically screaming on the phone to Chanhee!”

Sanghyuk’s stomach falls. He smiles nervously, but it falls just as easily as it had jumped onto his face. “You...  You heard?” He whispers, swallowing thickly. “How much-”

Juho looks betrayed. “Why wouldn’t you tell me you were going through it with somebody? You can talk to me about anything; we’re best friends, aren’t we?”

Sanghyuk would rather Juho lay him out right now, in the center of the produce aisle of the empty grocery store. Right in front of the selection of various cheeses that are on display in the freezers, Sanghyuk wishes for Juho to put him out of his misery. 

“Yeah,” he nods, closing his eyes. “Of course.”

“Okay,” Juho nods, sighing softly. “Okay.” 

Silence falls between them, and Sanghyuk looks away. Faintly, he can hear somebody pushing a cart, and he focuses on that instead of how badly his chest had begun to ache. 

Somehow, this was worse. Juho knowing that Sanghyuk was in love with somebody who wouldn’t like him back was completely different than Juho knowing it was himself. This first option leaves the other plenty of room to ask questions - questions Sanghyuk will have to lie about, or have to subtly avoid answering until Juho gets tired of asking or confronts Sanghyuk about why he never talked to him about his crush. Sanghyuk would much rather live with the second option, but he could never tell Juho. 

So, he supposes he’s stuck with the other pestering him until he either catches on or Sanghyuk drops dead. Juho begins walking down the aisle, and Sanghyuk follows him.

They don’t talk much for the rest of the trip, the only words passing between them being questions of, “do we need this?” or “can we get these?”. It’s calm, but at the same time Sanghyuk feels his heart racing with unease. 

He wonders if he should just confess, to just get everything off of his chest once and for all to avoid any future conflict that could arise from Sanghyuk not being honest. 

He knows he won’t, though. He’d talk himself into thousands of situations that there was only one dangerously violent way out of, but he’d never confess to Juho. He couldn’t. 

The drive back home is the same as it was on the way there. Juho panics when Sanghyuk goes the speed limit, clinging to him as if Sanghyuk is his lifeline. Instead of being thrilled from the gentle contact, though, Sanghyuk feels exhausted. 

The grocery bags had barely fit inside of the seat compartments on the motorcycle. Juho had to cram them down with all of the strength in his arms to even manage to get them to go inside, and each time they go over a bump in the road Sanghyuk feels the seat underneath them raise slightly. 

Thankfully, though, they’re home before the simple raising of the seat can become anything worse than that. Sanghyuk parks his bike in the same place it had been in before they’d left, and the two divvy up the groceries between them evenly before carrying them back towards their apartment complex.

The rain had stopped while they were shopping, and had been replaced by a cool breeze. The grass is slick underneath their shoes, threatening to trip them as they cross it to take a shortcut to the building. 

Sanghyuk shoves their dorm building’s front door open when he reaches it, holding it open for Juho before the two walk inside. Sanghyuk had his helmet underneath his arm, while Juho had his tucked inside one of the bags he was carrying. They walk idly to the stairs across the lobby from themselves, ascending the first two flights before walking out into the hallway their room was located on. 

“I’ll cook if you clean,” Juho starts when they approach their room door, and Sanghyuk nods in agreement. 

“You got it.” Sanghyuk hums, setting his bags down to unlock their front door, picking them back up as he walks into the dimly lit apartment. “I really think we should get a new lamp,” he jumps back to a previous conversation topic when he finds he has none left to use, looking out at their dark dorm.

“Yeah?” Juho walks into the kitchen, setting his bags down before taking Sanghyuk’s from him, bringing them back to the kitchen as well. “Maybe it’ll look better after you clean.”

“Maybe you should start cooking,” Sanghyuk shoots back, earning an amused giggle from Juho before the younger bends over, beginning to dig through the bags on the floor as he decides on what to put away first. 

“What do you want?”

“Anything you want to make,” Sanghyuk hums, beginning to pick up anything out of place he sees around the living room. He throws one of Juho’s hoodies over his arm, and grabs a manga off of the couch before examining it. “Shugo Chara?”

Juho whips around, and as if Sanghyuk’s an intruder, throws one of the boxes he’d been trying to put away at him. It nails Sanghyuk in the chest, and he gasps as he recoils. “Don’t!”

Breathless now from the box nailing him, Sanghyuk continues, wheezing. “You fucking loser!”

“You were literally reading a comic the other day!” Juho cries, his face lighting up red. Sanghyuk smirks, flipping the book open slowly to further draw out the other’s fluster. “Sanghyuk!”

“Oh… This guy kinda looks like me.”

“No he doesn’t!”

“You don’t even know who I’m looking at!?” Sanghyuk shouts, shutting the book before pinning it underneath his arm. “God, look at you. So cute when you’re all freaked out like that…”

His humorous mood drops when he realizes what he’s said. He’s sure he sees Juho’s embarrassed smile flicker, as well, but before he can register it it’s returned. 

“Cute, huh?” Juho starts, crossing the room to grab the box from in front of Sanghyuk, where it had fallen when it had hit him. “Cute…” 

Sanghyuk stares blankly ahead, mentally kicking the absolute shit out of himself. Why had he said that?

“You know what’s cute?” Juho starts, causing Sanghyuk to raise an unimpressed eyebrow, silently beckoning for the younger to continue. “You.”

“Okay,” Sanghyuk nods, lightly pushing the other away from himself, “gross.” His heart beats excitedly, but he tries to calm it down by filling his head with the thought that Juho was only kidding. He was only ever just kidding, he didn’t really think he was cute. Did he? No. 

No, he couldn’t.

Juho frowns, pressing the box against Sanghyuk’s chest. “So, who is it?”

“What? Who’s who?” Their close proximity makes Sanghyuk’s heart race.

“Who’s your crush? Let’s talk about it.”

Sanghyuk’s response is the widening of his eyes, the tentative step forward he takes to loom over Juho. The younger was much taller than he was, yet he stands slightly crouched, playfully looking up to the older.

Though, there’s something else in his eyes, as well. As much as it is friendly, it’s challenging. Intrusive, even, as he stares up. He’s almost desperate. 

“You know him.” Sanghyuk starts, but bites his tongue immediately. He couldn’t. 

“Do I?” Juho questions. All Sanghyuk can do is nod, his usual loud and excitable nature completely crushed by the other’s sudden clutch on him. He’s unable to leave no matter how badly he wants to; all he can focus on is Juho. “Give me three guesses.”

No. Sanghyuk’s body screams for him to get away, to tell Juho it was nothing and go back to cleaning. Instead, he nods. “Sure.”

“Seokwoo.”

“Strike one.”

Juho hums sardonically, as if he knew the answer before even asking. “Taeyang,” he guesses next, moving a bit closer, letting himself stand a bit taller underneath the other. 

“One left,” Sanghyuk murmurs, hoping that the other’s going to continue with his childish game and guess another one of Sanghyuk’s friends - probably Jaeyoon, as Chanhee was far too young to even be considered, and Sanghyuk really didn’t have any other friends besides his closely-knit group.

“One left,” Juho repeats, moving the box to the side before letting it fall to the floor. Sanghyuk hears it thud against the carpet, a bit annoyed when he realizes it’ll be him cleaning up any mess that could occur from something spilling out of the colorful package. “Okay, final guess.”

Juho reaches up, locking his hands behind Sanghyuk’s head. Sanghyuk’s eyes widen, and no matter how badly he wants to speak, he can only part his lips as he watches the other slip a bit closer, looking up dangerously to him.

Sanghyuk’s about to step back, to laugh off the situation as a joke, but Juho’s hands hold him fast in place when-

Oh.

The moment Juho’s lips connect with Sanghyuk’s, the years of denial and burying of his true feelings come undone. He grabs the younger to pull him closer, grip tight on his sides as he holds him. Juho’s hands jump from where they’d been locked around the other’s neck, falling instead to his shoulders. 

Juho pulls away after a minute, gasping for breath before Sanghyuk tears himself away, taking a quick step backwards to break their contact further. 

“No,” he whispers, shaking his head. Hurt flashes across Juho’s face, but Sanghyuk recovers quickly, “you… Why me?”

“Why not?” Juho crosses his arms. Their appearances in that moment could probably explain why better than Sanghyuk’s words can. Juho, in light jeans and a pink sweater; Sanghyuk, in a leather jacket and black, tattered skinny jeans, one of his many tattoos poking out from the skin showing on his collarbone.

“Because you can do so much better than me.”

“Define better.”

“Not me.”

Juho shrugs. “Then I can’t do better. Kiss me again.”

Well, Sanghyuk Isn't just going to say no… He reaches forward harshly and grabs the other’s collar, yanking him against himself before connecting their lips again. His body feels like it’s been shocked, ten thousand volts cracking underneath his skin like a whip the moment Juho kisses him back. 

Juho smiles into the kiss, his cherry lips curling against Sanghyuk’s happily. Sanghyuk pulls away to catch his breath, still in utter disbelief. Why him? Of all people, of all of the people who would look better with Juho, who could treat him better… He asks again, slotting his fingers through the other’s dark hair, shoulders dropping. “Why me?” 

He’d wanted the other for so long, but now all he can manage to see is how badly he could fuck up. 

“It’s always been you.” Juho murmurs, glancing down at Sanghyuk’s arms. “You’re still holding that fucking…” Juho snatches the book out from underneath Sanghyuk’s arm, throwing it back past them and onto the couch. The hoodie had slipped from the older’s arm the moment Juho had first kissed him, yet Sanghyuk must have been so shocked he gripped the book tighter underneath his arm. 

Sanghyuk stares at Juho with curious, unblinking eyes. Juho sighs. “God, Sanghyuk, you’re dense. Why do you think I dated so many shitty guys?” When the older stays silent, Juho scoffs. “You never gave me the time of day!” Juho pushes weakly against his chest, frowning. “I tried to get your attention constantly, but all you ever did was look away.”

“I never thought…” Sanghyuk laughs incredulously, sadly, almost. “Seriously?”

“Since, like, sophomore year, yeah.”

Sanghyuk can’t bring himself to continue asking why. He’s tired of why, but he’s begun waking up to the realization that his feelings had never been as unrequited as he’d believed they were. “That’s so fucked, we were both too pussy to admit…”

Juho looks away, scoffing. “How long have-”

“Junior year.”

“Oh, that’s fucked,” Juho repeats the other, laughing before he throws his arms around Sanghyuk’s neck, “that’s so fucked…”

Sanghyuk wraps his own arms tightly around the other’s waist, lifting him up with ease. Juho gasps, wrapping his legs around the other before letting his head fall to the other’s shoulder, giggling slightly against him. 

“We’ve got a lot of missed time to make up for,” Sanghyuk hums, carrying the other into the kitchen before setting him down on the counter. 

“We do,” Juho agrees, nodding. He kicks his legs when Sanghyuk walks towards the fridge, opening it to see the groceries Juho had put away before he’d approached him in the living room.

“So, what should we make?”

“Us boyfriends.” Juho nods thoughtfully, continuing to kick his legs. 

Sanghyuk scoffs, grinning. “I think it would be a huge mistake on my part to just let you go that easy. You’re gonna be stuck with me for a while, Juho.”

“I’m not against that.”

“Well, good."