Work Text:
Amsterdam
Louis had to get out. Out of the country, out of the city, out of the apartment and the bed they´d shared. He had to get away from all the things and places that simply screamed Harry. So he did. He´d packed his things, locked the front door and went to the airport. Looking up at the huge billboard with its blinking lights that said “Departures”, he narrowed his eyes as they landed on a random city. “Amsterdam, Sir, leaving in about 47 minutes”, said the woman at the counter, handing him back his passport and the ticket, her long acrylic nails brushing against his hand. He simply gave her a small smile and turned towards the terminals. Amsterdam it is, Louis had thought to himself, making his way across London Heathrow.
Amsterdam wasn´t bad. Not at all. In fact, Louis had already established a small routine, leaving his hotel around noon for the third day in a row now, his phone and wallet tucked into a small jute bag along with a pen and his frayed notebook. He would stride along the canals slowly, letting the wind softly caress his face, sending his bangs flying off his forehead, watching the ducks glide past him on the water in pairs, nestled close together, as they just drifted. The display made his heart ache just the slightest bit, so he turned away, kept on walking until he didn´t feel like it anymore. He´d sit down on a bench or at a café, just watching the people passing. It was strange how different everyone looked from each other, yet they were all the same in the end. A he let his mind wander; it drifted right towards that familiar spot.
Green eyes, deep as the crowns of the trees and just as soft as the leaves upon them. That indescribably bright smile that seemed to light up the entire room and those stupid dimples. Framed by what was to Louis, the most beautiful face he´d ever seen. His slim body on top of the bike he was riding, his locks flowing wildly against the press of the wind as they passed the canals, flying past them. “Keep up Louis,” he said over his shoulder, smiling brightly at the brown haired boy behind him.
Louis didn´t realize how lost in thought he´d gotten until the waitress refilled his teacup, saying something to him he didn´t quite catch. He thanked her and let his eyes follow her back inside the café. He put his head in his hands, sighing. He should have known. Known he couldn´t just up and leave to go anywhere, to think about anything but him when they´d already been everywhere together. It wouldn´t be so easy to escape what they had, Louis realized and he knew he never even wanted to in the first place. But he´d certainly try. For him. He´d do anything for him.
I went to Amsterdam without you and all I could do was think about you.
Tokyo
He went to Tokyo with his mates just a few days later. They met at the airport when they arrived in Japan and went straight to a small but cosy looking bar. Fuck it, Louis thought to himself as the fifth or sixth beer for the night was placed in front of him, all his friends cheering and conversing loudly over the booming of the music. Maybe this would help get his mind off it (him) at least for a few more hours. At this point, he´d do anything for a few moments without the dull ache in his chest whenever he thought about Harry. And he thought about him quite a lot, to be fair. So he went for it. Everything became a blur of drinks, flashing lights, dancing and screaming after that and Louis did his best to get lost in the feeling of comfortable numbness that flooded his senses more and more. It happened again as he sat down to watch Jordan as it was his turn to prove himself worthy at a Japanese karaoke bar, already bolting out the chorus of Bryan Adams´ Heaven. It was one of his favourite songs. One of their songs.
“What do you mean, leave?”
“I mean, I think I just need some time to figure things out. To figure myself out, Louis.”
“But I thought you were happy? Here with me I thought-“ “I am, Lou, I am it´s just that I- I´ve felt this kind of emptiness. Like I´, looking for something but I don´t really know what it looks like. And I need to figure out what to do with it. On my own.”
Louis just stared at Harry for a long moment, trying to read anything from his green gaze. But there was nothing but the feeling of guilt for wanting to leave and a lingering determination that scared him more than a little. A lot. The thought of Harry going away without him was something he´d never gotten used to. Never entirely had to. He couldn´t bring himself to look away though.
“But.. for how long?”
“I, uhm, don´t know I guess I´ll just see where it takes me. The feeling, I mean.”
Louis nodded, swallowing hard around his unsurprisingly dry throat.
“Okay.”
“Okay?”
“Yeah, yeah, if it´s what you want, luv, you know I´ll support you. Always.”
Harry smiled at him, his green eyes shining impossibly brighter as he grabbed Louis´ face between his hands and pressed a soft kiss to his lips. Louis willed himself to kiss him back through the pain in his chest, not telling how broken and alone he felt just thinking about going to bed without his boyfriend on the other side of their queen sized bed.
The next day he woke up, missing the Harry´s warmth against his side. The only thing he left was a sticky note and his pyjama pants. Louis couldn´t bring himself to read the note but buried his face in the piece of clothing Harry had left, letting his tears run freely.
I went to Tokyo to let it go, drink after drink but I still felt alone. I shoul d have known.
LA
Since excessive drinking with the lads in Japan didn´t really help his situation, Louis left early after some sightseeing. LA was the usual: busy, streets bursting with people in expensive clothing and too much make up, sunglasses and posh vegan restaurants. It was easy to just become part of the masses here, nobody really paying attention to you since everyone seemed to always have something to do. Louis enjoyed the anonymity for a few days but started to feel a familiar itch in his fingers. Therefore, he sat down on the small balcony of his hotel room one morning and started unravelling and sorting the mush of emotions his brain had produced over the last few weeks, writing it all down on paper. It helped. A lot. And every time he writes he discovers something about himself he never even thought about, seeping out of his subconscious like water, first in small drops and then, after a few pages like a steady stream of truth. This time was no different. But the truth wasn´t always easy to accept. Louis had learned that the hard way over the years and still wasn´t good at accepting defeat. But if there was one thing he knew he´d never overcome it was how he felt about Harry. His Harry, who´d gone away to find himself in this world. Louis really hoped Harry had found what he was looking for, but he also knew he wasn´t himself without those ridiculously green eyes and that warm smile next to him every single day of his life. He knew nobody could ever possibly compare. He should have known there is no escaping your true feelings. He wrote until late in the night, his fingers doing their best to keep up with his brain. He woke up late the next morning, feeling restless. Again. So he left. Again.
I went to so many places, looking for you in their faces. I could feel it, oh I could feel it.
London
He landed in London early in the morning and went straight home. It hurt to see the spacious apartment so empty and lifeless around him, but Louis smiled at all the memories they´d made here over all those years. From the kitchen counter to the expensive Persian carpet under the living room table, there wasn´t a single spot that didn´t trigger some significant emotion in Louis´ head. He left his luggage at the door, walking through the living room towards their shared bedroom, letting his hands wander along the fabric of the dark grey couch.
It was their safe space, away from the world and all the prying eyes. They´d never leave if they didn´t have to. This was where they could just be themselves, hidden under the soft linen sheets, giggling shamelessly. Hands wandering, tracing and exploring every familiar inch of skin all over again. Their movements were lazy, less fuelled by intent and urgency from earlier. The room was filled with nothing but their soft panting, breath ghosting over each other´s faces, their lips connecting again, giving and taking, teasing, moving against each other in synchronicity. Legs tangling together, Harry broke their kiss and looked at the brown-haired boy in front of him, a wide smile spreading across his face. He reached his hand out to brush some of Louis´ bangs from his sweaty forehead, tracing his fingers lightly across the side of his face, resting them against his cheekbone. “What are you smiling at?”, Louis questioned, following Harry´s gaze. “I was just thinking”, he began. “This is where I feel most like myself. With you, in here.” Louis smiled back, moving to kiss Harry again, their tongues moving against each other. “Me too, luv. I love you so much.” “Love you too, Lou.” They smirked against each other´s skins, Harry burying his face in Louis´ neck. “Like, don´t get me wrong, I love writing and touring with the boys, seeing the fans and stuff. It´s everything to me. But I missed this so much, Lou. Just you and me. Don´t ever wanna leave.” Louis moved to tilt Harry´s head up to face him again, gazing at him for a moment. “Then don´t. We don´t have to go anywhere. Not for the next few days, anyways”, Louis said, frowning slightly at the thought of having to leave the comfort of their bed just to trade it for the tiny bunks on the tour bus all too soon. “I don´t mind going all around the world if it´s with you”, Harry answered, searching Louis´ eyes for a reply. Louis couldn´t find one, though. He just went back to kissing his boyfriend, sliding lower under the sheets, trailing light warm kisses down Harry´s tattooed chest, sending shivers down Harry´s spine. And somehow, in this simple and private moment, Louis felt like they could live forever.
His heart ached, missing Harry´s familiar presence even more. Climbing into their shared bed, Louis curled in on himself and pulled the covers over himself, nuzzling into the comfort of his pillow. He felt helpless and pathetic, starting to cry again. A part of him had always hated how dependant he was on Harry to just be with him and around him to make him feel like there was something, someone worth going on for. Life had thrown its fair share of bullshit at Louis up to this point and the only constant for him to hold on to had been the band. And Harry. Since the band wasn´t the band anymore and they were all out doing their own stuff, finally having time to discover themselves, Louis had felt a bit stuck. He never wanted things to change. But he had soon realized that they couldn´t keep touring the globe until the end of time and had to find their footing in the “real world”. Laying in bed alone now, Louis doubted whether he´d ever be able find his individual place in this mess.
I went from LAX to Heathrow, walked through my door but I found nothing like home, cause you´re not home.
When he came back to consciousness a few hours later, dried tears making his face feel dry, he noticed the front door standing slightly ajar. Louis tensed, remembering that he locked it when he returned earlier. He snuck out of bed, trying his best not to make any sounds and leaned against the doorframe leading to the living area. A light rustling made him stop in his tracks, fingers gripping the wood of the door tightly. He moved to the hallway, his eyes falling upon the unmistakable shape stood in the kitchen immediately. The man turned towards him, slightly startled as he spotted Louis in the doorway. But his gaze softened momentarily, recognizing the other. He started running, catching Louis off guard as he jumped into his arms, wrapping his arms around Louis´ neck. Louis felt a breath knocked out of his lungs he must have been holding since he got up, grabbing Harry´s thighs that were wrapped around his small waist. Neither of them spoke for a long while, just holding each other. Louis breathed in deeply, relishing in the feeling that was purely Harry. His smell, the feeling of having him back in his arms. Where he had always wanted him. It was too sudden, too good to be true. Before he could react any further, tears were yet again running down his face and he started sobbing into Harry´s hair, letting him slip down slowly but tightening his grip around the taller man. Harry came to grab Louis face between his hands, tears welling up in his green gaze too. Louis couldn´t help but stare, still not believing his eyes. “You came back.” “I came back to you, Lou”, Harry said, smiling through his teary-wet lashes. “I´m sorry, for just leaving you like that. It wasn´t fair. I felt like I had to, I don´t know why, please just- forgive me, please? I was an idiot.” “Don´t you dare apologize to me, I should´ve never let you go in the first place. But I think I had to.” Louis paused, trying to arrange what he was about to say. “To see that I can´t really do all this without you.” Harry was still smiling at Louis, his warm hands never leaving Louis´ face, thumbs stroking back and forth lightly. “Me neither. I didn´t find anything I didn´t already have here with you. It´s you, Louis and it was always you.” Louis leaned in at that moment, kissing Harry with all that he felt right in that moment, never wanting to let it go. Never wanting to let him go.
Always you.
Waiting to wrap your legs around me and I know you hate to smoke without me, And oh, oh, oh. Now you know. I´m wasting my time when it was always you, always you. Chasing the high but it was always you. Should´ve never let you go, my baby.