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Sam opened the door to the small confessional and knelt down, taking only a quick moment to glance at Crowley. Still safely tied up in his chair. He glanced around the confessional again, already feeling corned. He took a quick breath. He had to do this. Had to.
"Okay." The words were more for himself than whoever, or whatever, he was praying to. Sam settled and stared at the wall ahead of him. He could do this. He had to do this. He couldn't let Dean down again.
"Um." Sam paused and started again. "If anybody's listening...here goes."
Silence reigned as Sam glared at the wall. He clenched his eyes shut. "I've hurt so many people. I don't know if I can ask for forgiveness. Even with...even with these trials." Sam sucked in a breath. "But please. I can't let Dean down again. I can't fail him again."
Sam pressed his palms to his thighs and struggled to breathe. He was suffocated in the small space. Just spitballing here, but. If I were you...Ruby? Killing Lilith? Letting Lucifer out, losing your soul, not looking for me while I was in Purgatory? Dean's voice echoed in his mind and Sam shook, sucking in another breath.
"I don't want to be forgiven." Sam whispered, his fingers digging into his thighs. It was the truth. At the very least, here, if there was no one listening, he could tell the truth. If someone was listening, it would be honest.
"I don't deserve to be forgiven. But I can't let Dean down again. I've let him down so much. He's lost everything because of me. Everything. It's all my fault, and I just keep letting him down, over and over again. Please...just let me do this." Sam begged.
He felt light-headed, and Sam forced himself to keep talking. "I don't care if I die. In fact, I'm sure that this is where these trials are heading. Please, I can't let him down. I don't care if I die and go to Hell, or Purgatory or e-even the Cage again, just let me do this so I don't let Dean down again."
Sam opened his eyes and stared at the wall, breathing hard. "Please, forgive me just enough so I can do this. Please. Dean deserves so much more, and I don't want to hold him back anymore. Please." He bowed his head and breathed in for another slow moment. "Amen." He whispered, before standing and walking out of the church.
~!~!~
Sam looked at the piece of paper in front of him, slowly writing numbers in the left-hand margin. Lists were easy. Always.
After the second injection, after the rush of power that told him this was working, that the spell to close the gates was working...Sam knew he had to say goodbye. Dean was gone, gone to help Castiel. Dean was trusting him to make sure that this happened. That he didn't fail. He couldn't fail. Not this time.
Sam sucked in another breath and wrote at the top of the page:
The Ways I've Let You Down
The words mocked him. Could he even remember them all? Hopefully it would fit on one paper. Sam laughed, his voice hoarse. He ignored Crowley's 'Moose?' from behind him and dropped the pen to the paper. It probably wouldn't fit.
Sam swallowed and blinked away the threatening tears.
1. I took Mom from you
2. I took Dad from you
3. I took 'home' from you
4. Took everything 'normal' you could've had, away from you
5. It's on me Dean. All of it
Sam pulled his hand away from the paper when his hand started to shake. The list wasn't going to fit. He took another breath, tuning out Crowley when he asked another question. It would fit. He would make it fit. There was so much. How could he have ever been forgiven enough to do the trials? He'd failed everyone. Everything he'd ever touched died.
6. Going to Stanford. Leaving you alone
Dean should have named that first. He had certainly mocked him enough for it. Wanting a normal life, wanting out of hunting. Sam knew that Dad had blamed Dean for his leaving, and Dean would never forgive him for that. He didn't deserve to be forgiven for it. He'd abandoned Dean, he'd run from his family.
7. I'm sorry I couldn't save you
He failed, he always failed. Failure. Failed Dean, failed Jess, Dad, Bobby, but Dean, Dean he always failed.
8. I'm sorry for hell
Sam remembered all of the nights Dean had woken up screaming, fighting an enemy that he couldn't see. It was all his fault. All of it. The nights when Dean would stay away and stare at the ceiling, unable to sleep. The nights when Dean was so exhausted, unable to do more than breathe, but sleep refused to come for him. His fault, his fault, all his fault.
9. I'm sorry I couldn't bring you back. I tried to, I really did.
Not that Dean believed him. He'd failed. Why would Dean believe that he had tried? He hadn't managed to do it. Dean would have succeeded. His Dad would have. Even Bobby would have.
His watch beeped and Sam drew enough blood for the next injection, staring at it. It had to be enough. It had to be. Sam didn't say a word as he jabbed it into Crowley's neck and walked back to the altar, picking up the pen again.
10. Sorry for Ruby. And the blood
Sam stared at those words and clenched his eyes shut, breathing hard. Dean would never forgive him, neither had Cas. Not really. God certainly wouldn't. He was tainted, the Boy King destined for Hell. There was no forgiving or saving him. Sam choked on another sob.
"Moose, you okay over there? Don't choke on me now, I can't give you mouth-to-mouth."
He pressed the pen to the paper again, writing through the tears gathered in his eyes.
11. For letting Lucifer out.
The four words weren't enough. Sam glared at them and almost added everything else. For killing Lilith, for not being strong enough in Stull Cemetery, for hurting Dean, for not being stronger. He swallowed. It was enough. Dean would know, would understand. He had to make everything fit.
12. I'm sorry for giving you more reasons to throw away that necklace, then I ever gave you to wear it.
The words stared at him. Sam debated crossing it out. He could still hear the 'CLANG' the necklace had made, falling into the trashcan. He deserved it. He'd let Dean down. He'd failed Dean. Failed everyone. Worthless.
13. For not staying in the cage
Lucifer's laughter mocked him, echoing in his mind. He dreamed about it, every night. He should have stayed. He deserved it, deserved to be locked in that Cage with Lucifer and Michael.
14. For coming back soulless
15. For everything I did when I was soulless
Sam clenched his hand around the pen as his watched beeped again. He drew the blood and didn't look at Crowley as he pushed it into his neck. Four done. Halfway done. The rush of power down his arms burned. Of course it burned. He was tainted.
16. For going crazy
Lucifer'd known. Known how it felt to let down an older brother. They'd had that in common. Both fighting with their families, unable to do what the family wanted, rebelling, each in their own way. Was that another failure? To have so much in common with Lucifer?
17. For never being strong enough. I'm never strong enough. I'm sorry Dean.
Dean was strong enough. Even when he doubted, he found the strength to fight, to keep going. Dean got the job done. Dean didn't fail. He never failed. Sam clenched the pen tight again.
If he'd been strong enough, he wouldn't have needed Ruby and the blood. He wouldn't have killed Lilith. Wouldn't have released Lucifer. Wouldn't have killed so many people by starting the Apocalypse. Failure. He'd failed. Failed over and over again.
18. For not looking for you
19. Dean, if I had known.. if I had any clue, I would have never--
Sam viciously scratched the paper. No. He couldn't lie. No lying. Not here. Not like this. Only the truth. Dean deserved the truth. These were why he could never be forgiven.
20. I should've looked for you
21. I should have. why didn't I look for you? Fuck.
Sam crumpled the paper in his hands, ready throw it to the side. Another beep sounded. Another hour gone. Five injections now. Three left. So close. He wasn't going to fail. He wouldn't fail Dean again.
22. For not being the Brother you want
23. The one you 'need'.
Dean's voice sounded in his mind. Praising Benny for protecting him in Purgatory. For being someone he could trust. Unlike him. Failure. Untrustworthy. Worthless. He should have been better. Should have looked. Dean would have looked, would not have stopped looking.
Dean wouldn't have gotten tired, wouldn't have wanted it to end. Sam stared at the paper. He was weak. Dean needed someone stronger. Dean deserved someone so much better than him. Like Benny. Or Cas. He would never be good enough.
24. I don't know what's wrong with me Dean.
A lie. He did know. He'd always known something was wrong. It wasn't until he learned exactly what that it made sense. Demon blood. Or maybe it was more than that. Sam covered his face. Maybe there was something wrong with him down to the core of his being.
25. I just wanted to make you proud.
Sam tossed the spraypaint can to the side and ignored Crowley's protests. He prepped the next needle and jabbed it into his arm. Crowley's last ditch call for help was gone. He'd have to tell Dean Abbadon was alive.
He prepped the sixth injection and pressed it into Crowley, watching him groan before rolling his head slowly. Sam marched back to the altar. Two more. He was almost done. So close. He wouldn't let Dean down.
He picked up the pen again, struggling to grip it properly before he wrote out the next few rows.
26. That's all I have ever wanted, Dean.
27. But I can't even manage that. I just collect more reasons why you can't even look me in the eyes anymore.
28. Will this make you proud?
29. If I close these gates, for good, maybe you can live the life you've always deserved, Dean.
30.
Without me
Sam wiped his eyes on his sleeve and sucked in a breath. There. That was everything...for now. He closed his eyes and tried to breathe slowly. The minutes were ticking down now. It wouldn't be long. Ninety minutes left.
31.
32.
He stared at the blank lines of the paper. He hadn't run out of room? He must be missing something. He had to be. Two more things that he could never be forgiven for. Ways that he had let Dean down.
Sam snorted and laid down the pen. He'd leave those blank. Fill-ins. For Dean. Dean would love that.
~!~!~
After the power surge from the seventh injection, Sam picked up the pen and flipped the paper over, numbering down the side. Dean, Dean deserved to know. At the least. Maybe he would throw it away for good this time.
Or maybe...
Sam glanced at his watch. Thirty-five minutes until the final injection. He lowered his pen to the paper and wrote, slowly. His hand was shaking.
33. If this works, Dean, and I hope it does. I want you to know, I kept it.
34. Maybe one day you'll want to wear it again.
35. I always hoped, but I know that it was foolish to do so.
Sam smiled. A foolish failure. That's what he was. Both a fool and a failure. The necklace was a reminder of that. He'd failed Dean. In every way that he could fail his brother, he had.
But...
Dean deserved to know.
36. It's in my backpack. Front zipper pocket, underneath my old philosophy textbook.
It had been his favorite class, his freshman year of school. The year he'd met Jess. She'd scribbled her number in the margins with instructions to call her sometime. That moment had been the first one where he had thought maybe he could move on. Maybe he could be normal.
Failure, failure, she died, just like Dad, just like Dean, just like Mom, they all die because of you. All of them.
37. I'm sorry, Dean.
38. I'm so sorry.
39. I pray one day you can forgive me
40. I... .. I lo
Sam stopped and dropped the pen. No need for chick flick moments. His watch gave one final beep. It was time. Sam scribbled in the last few lines quickly before grabbing the needle and turning to Crowley.
41. I hope you wear that necklace again, Dean.
42. Because.... ...... ......
41. just 'cause
- S. W.
~!~!~
Sam dropped the needle and picked up the booklet, reading the spell slowly, carefully. He would not fail. Not this time. Dean was trusting him. He could feel it now, like a drum pounding in his blood, the power of this spell gathering in him. He looked at the note on the table and crumpled it in his hand before stuffing it into his pocket. Dean didn't need to see it.
Dean was trusting him. He wasn't going to fail. Sam dragged the knife slowly across his palm and advanced on Crowley. No failing. Not this time. He would make Dean proud. He would.
He raised his hand to Crowley's face.
"SAMMY, STOP!"