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Loneliness was something Atsuko Kagari had been accustomed too. It was as unto an old friend from childhood who kept in touch despite you never having really liked them in the first place. There were flavors to it too. The loneliness that stemmed from her dead social life for example was not the same sort of loneliness she felt when she heard her classmates talk about her in the halls and behind her back. Nor was the loneliness she experienced when standing in a crowded room full of people who did not know or care about her the same as the loneliness of her parents hearing her but not listening to her.
She didn’t always feel lonely or depressed. She did have people she enjoyed hanging out with, even if she was always ‘and Akko’ when plans were made. Her parents loved her and supported her…at least the parts of herself she told them about. Akko was solidly an extrovert, a cannon shoved full of enthusiasm and unyielding positivity waiting to explode at any second. She loved attention, she loved people, she loved making people happy.
With the climax of her first year at Luna Nova, Akko had succeeding in many things. She’d become a witch, she’d met her idol, reawakened Yggdrassil after slaying a magical monster side by side with her rival/best friend and apparently become not-so-low-key famous in the magical and non-magical world! Akko had made friends, real friends who loved her warts and all, who had run headlong into crazy wild danger with her. She’d even fallen in love, or at least she thought it might be love not having much experience with the matter, with an incredible girl!
They’d all made promises to stay in touch over the summer. Letters, email, phone calls, magical sending’s, whatever and however they could, they would. And they did. Hardly a day passed when Akko wouldn’t receive some contacts from Lotte, Diana, Sucy or any of her other friends. She’d even gotten a few messages from Hannah and Barbara. Akko did her best, her level, god honest best, to reply with carefully crafted mystical messages. E-mail tended to work better.
Yet, in spite of all of this, the near daily communication with her closest friends, people stopping her on the streets when they recognized her as ‘one of The Witch’s from TV’ for a photo or autograph, things that should have picked up her spirit, no matter how battered, and sent it soaring off into the heavens…in spite of all of that, Akko felt her smiles becoming more and more forced. An empty, dreary feeling was settling into her, something richer and deeper and more awful than anything she’d felt before.
Food was turning into tasteless, textureless mush in her mouth that Akko would force down her throat. Sleep became a fitful, restless affair spent staring up at the ceiling or sending late night messages to Amanda or Diana who were just beginning their mornings. Messages crammed with forced cheerfulness and pep to keep out any inkling of this sudden, irrational misery that had made itself a permanent resident in Akko. Even the very act of Doing Magic had started to become something grey and joyless. She’d started to feel all the progress she’d made slip away as spell after spell fizzled and failed.
Maybe it was some sort of witch sickness, she’d begun to think. She thought about telling Diana about it. Someone as smart and talented as her would absolutely know a way to fix this. Or maybe Professor Chariot? Or was it still Ursula? She had never bothered to correct anyone when they said one or the other during those last days of school. Akko might have found that funny. A lot of things didn’t seem funny anymore. It didn’t matter. She had no idea how to get in contact with her favorite professor nor could she bring herself to off load her burdens on her friends.
Mercifully for Akko, as the façade she’d constructed was reaching its breaking point, an answer to why she felt the way she did came on a Tuesday evening after her parents had returned from work, her father a salary man at a minor electronics company and mother the very proud manager of a shoe store. Dinner, like most nights at the Kagari household was take-out. A bucket of fresh fried chicken, extra biscuits and mashed potatoes. So much mashed potatoes.
The family sat around the table, serving themselves up hot, greasy delicious food that was absolutely terrible for them, laughing about their days and shedding the pent up stress of the day. That was how Akko’s family worked; open, honest and warm. Except about how Akko felt the same way about pretty girls that she did cute boys. Except about how Akko felt like she was dying inside and didn’t know how to say it or why it was. So she sat there, forcing a laugh and feeling worse and worse every time she put on a smile that never touched her eyes.
Then there was a knock on the door of their apartment. Three firm rapid knocks. Akko’s father, a tall man who gave her his eyes, sighed and put down the chicken breast he’d just taken a bite out of on his plate. He gestured for them both to stay sitting.
“I’ll get it, don’t worry,” he said with a wink. “Probably another paparazzi looking to get pictures of our adorable little Akko.”
Which was likely the case. Akko had been in front of more news cameras in the last month than she knew existed until her parents had put a firm stop to it. “She might be some kind of hero, but she’s still our daughter and she deserves to have a peaceful summer to herself” was her father’s exact words. Her mother had phrased it in a way that would have required several bleeps on a public broadcast.
Akko just kept eating the chicken leg shaped blob of nothing while her father went to answer the door, taking small, unenthused bites. Stringy, greasy strands of something that she used to find so delicious she’d wrestle a bear to get at slithered their way down her throat while she only passively heard the door open and her father greet whatever nuisance had dragged him away from the table.
Then, came her voice, dry and monotone but somehow as sweet as honey in that moment. “Is this the Kagari residence? I know Atsuko’s from Luna Nova.” Akko’s jaw dropped, the suddenly spicy and savory chicken rolling right out of her mouth. Her feet moved before her brain did, knocking over her chair and almost rolling her ankle as she bolted from the table, past her father and threw herself around Sucy.
“Sucy!” Akko shouted, squeezing her arms tight around her girlfriend’s shoulders, making them both stumble back half a step, Sucy bracing herself with her broom. She smelled like damp earth, the forest and some odd blend of chemicals with names Akko could never hope to pronounce and it was the best smell in the world. “Ohmygosh what are you doing here?! I’ve missed you so much!”
Akko twisted around, crushing Sucy into her side who made a very slight but not necessarily displeased grunt and with the warmest, most genuine smile she’d had in ages said, “Papa! This is Sucy! She’s my-” there was a pause in her hyper-enthusiastic introduction, barely long enough for most people to notice. But as she looked up at her still surprised father, a father who loved her, a father who had said cruel and ugly things about the two men who lived a floor below them, a father who had mocked his own brother, the word she desperately wanted to say caught in her throat. “Bestfriend from Luna Nova!”
Sucy lifted four fingers from her grip on around the broom and gave a half wave. “Hello. I wasn’t interrupting anything was I? I know it’s late.”
“Nonono!” Akko shook her head almost as hard as she shook Sucy. “You weren’t interrupting anything! We were just getting ready to eat! OH! Pleeeease can Sucy eat with us papa?! Pleeeeease!”
Her father didn’t bother to stifle his laugh, confused and amused all at once. “Absolutely, any friend of our sweet little girl is more than welcome in this home! Please, come in, come in!”
“Yay!” Akko exclaimed, pulling an overwhelmed though still composed Sucy through the doorway and into their comfortable abode. “It’s so exciting seeing you here! What are you even doing in Japan, you didn’t even tell me you were going to be in the country!”
“Wasn’t planning on it, originally,” Sucy said, propping her broom – which had a rather impressive collection of boxes and equipment tied in a bundle at the top – against the wall as her girlfriend lead her towards the table. “I was in Okinawa to gather a fungus that only grows there this time of year. Then I saw a magazine cover with you and Diana on it. I guess it made me lonely.”
“Okinawa is in Japan!” Akko chided as she pulled a chair out for Sucy, quickly ran to the cupboard for another plate and starting fixing it for her. “You could have said you were going to be there and I would have flown to see you!”
“Akko, do you even own a broom?”
“I mean, pish, yea-”
“An actual witch’s broom, I mean. How it’s built matters a lot, even with magic restored.”
Akko stared at her blank faced.
“Even a very powerful witch would get maybe five minutes of flight time from something you just grabbed at a store.”
Akko saddled back into her chair and started gnawing at her chicken muttering about how of course she knew that and Sucy didn’t have to be so mean. Her mother just looked very confused at the sudden guest and their rapid fire, mostly in English, exchange.
“Of mumuh, dis ish Schushy,” Akko said, mouth full of the peppery, silky smooth mashed potatoes that she washed down with something sugary and carbonated and refreshing. “She’s one of my friend I told you about!”
“Her best friend!” Her father added, sitting back down, laughing to himself.
“Um, it’s a pleasure to meet you, Sucy,” said Akko’s mother, still processing the addition to the table. “I’m sorry, we weren’t expecting guests or I would have bought more food.”
Sucy scanned the table with her one uncovered eye, cutting into a biscuit with a fork before popping the morsel into her mouth. “I’m sorry. I didn’t come expecting dinner. Someone,” her eyes slide over to Akko, the corners of her mouth twitching, “was just insistent on it.”
Akko felt her neck warm up. “Yeah, I guess I sort of pressed you into that, didn’t I? I’m sorry mama, sorry Sucy.”
Her mother shook her head. “Don’t apologize Akko, we’re just glad you have a visitor who ISN’T looking for a cover story.”
Dinner passed with constant chatter and laughter, Akko spending nearly the whole meal gushing about Sucy and their misadventures through the year, singing her praises and making her bit by bit hide her face behind her thick hair so her embarrassment wouldn’t show. Though certain things made her mother and father pause.
“Pushed off a tower, you say?”
“What’s a cockatrice again?”
“What about being eaten by a ghost?”
Eventually however, with not a scrap of food left over, dinner drew to a close and came the traditional Kagari Family period questioning their life choices. Akko’s father leaned back in his chair while her mother took the plates to the dishwasher, making pained noises. Akko had slumped over the table, echoing him.
“Maybe you shouldn’t have had that fourth biscuit.” Sucy said, staring at Akko’s misery with a wicked little smile.
“But they’re so goooood,” but her and her father said at once.
“Wait,” Akko came out of her fugue state when a realization hit her. “Sucy, where are you staying?”
Sucy shrugged a shoulder. “I have enough money for a hotel for the night. Then I was going to find a lay line terminal and return to the Philippines. I left my best equipment there.”
Akko slammed her hands on the table, making her parents jump. “No! Nonono! Mama! Papa! Can Sucy stay here for the night? Pleeeeease?!”
“Akko, that’s really not necessary,” Sucy held up a hand towards her.
The two parents shared a look then her father nodded with a smile. “Well I don’t see any harm in it, do you?”
Akko’s mother sipped at her drink and beamed at the two girls. “Not at all. It’s been ages since Akko’s had a sleep over, anyway! It’s like when you were a little girl all over again.”
“Yay!” Akko tried to throw herself around Sucy again but the other witch had gripped her seat and bunny hopped with the whole thing just out of Akko’s reach. Akko’s balance was totally shot and whirlwinded her arms before tumbling to the floor in a heap. “Aaaw, Sucy that was meeean,” she groaned.
Sucy chuckled, a devious, chill sound that sent a shiver down Akko’s spine that she’d come to rather enjoy. “I’m sorry for not wanting my back to get crushed by your hugs.”
Then Akko watched as her face softened. Sucy got out of her chair and knelt down, slipping her arms under Akko’s arm pits and helping her back to her feet, their eyes meeting long enough for Sucy to flash a wicked grin before stepping back. Akko felt a hammering her chest from Sucy’s touch, from that awful expression she always had before doing something mean or teasing or…or other things that were awkward to think about when her parents where in the same room.
“It is good to see you again, Akko,” Sucy said. “Life’s been boring without you…blowing something up.”
“I-it was only the one time,” Akko pouted.
Sucy’s face turned into a flat ‘I’m not calling what you said bullshit but what you said was bullshit’ expression.
“Shut up!” Akko squeaked, gently shoving Sucy before bursting out into hot, wild laughter. Where had that quiet, gnawing pain gone? Was it ever there to begin with? “Um, oh! We should get you set up! You can stay in my room, okay!”
Sucy spared a glance over at Akko’s parents who were more concerned with after dinner antacids and their phones than the foreign witch in their kitchen. Sucy shrugged. “Fine, fine. Let me get my things.”
---
Sucy had expected a certain level of Shiny Chariot paraphernalia in Akko’s room. You didn’t live in the same room as her, spend as much time with her, become wildly, uncontrollably infatuated with her, without understanding that Akko was a massive fangirl. What Akko threw her bedroom door into might have been mistaken for a Shiny Chariot museum. Posters and laminated flyers for her shows plastered the walls, her shelves hung heavy with collections of manga fighting with space with Chariot merchandise, plush dolls and statues of her idol turned teacher. Her work desk and bed were perhaps the only sign of restraint with a simple Shiny Chariot pencil cup in one corner and a mess of charms and key-chains hung from one corner of her bed.
Sucy stepped around a faded Chariot throw rug, feeling only a minor ping of jealousy directed at their teacher. Only a tiny one. Shut up. Sucy heard the door click behind her as she propped her broom against a relatively clear portion of her wall and unhooked the suitcase containing a bedroll and nightwear.
“S-so this is…this is me,” Akko’s bubbly, cheerful voice stuttered from beside Sucy. The bed creaked as Akko’s weight settled on it. “I…I guess it’s kind of embarrassing, huh?”
“It’s you. It’s very, very you,” Sucy said, a teasing tone mixing in with her words.
“So, embarrassing.”
“For you? Yeah. Pretty embarrassing. Might take some pictures for when we go back to Luna Nova. Show ‘em around,” Sucy said, a very dark, cruel sound that might have been laughter issuing from her mouth.
Akko hit her with a pillow. “You are the worst!” Her expression suggested she thought otherwise.
Sucy produced a thick, cozy sleeping bag from her impossibly deep suitcase and placed it on the floor. The wonders of magic and careful packing. Something hard and rotten was in her throat, making her swallow over and over again. It tasted bitter and the sensation made the back of her hands feel clammy. Sucy looked up at Akko. Dear, sweet, anxious Akko.
“You haven’t told them about us.” It wasn’t a question.
Akko gripped her bedspread, biting her lip. She turned her head away from Sucy. What was there to say? That was the truth. She had let not a single word slip about how close they were certainly more than ‘best friends’. That they’d spent more than a few minutes holding each other beneath the cover’s of Sucy’s bed, reveling in the closeness. That they’d gone a bit further than they might should have in that last, desperate, hungry week of school.
Something stung at Akko’s eyes, hot and wet while her chest tightened, threatening to crush her lungs. God, how had this made Sucy feel? How much had her cowardice hurt the first person to say ‘I love you’ to her? Akko didn’t deserve Sucy anymore. She knew it. She’d blown the whole stupid thing. She was feeling cold again, cold and scared and…and then Sucy’s arms gently pulled her close, a hand resting on the back of her head, stroking and petting her.
“I’m sorry,” Sucy whispered. “I didn’t know. I should have known.”
Akko’s trembling hands grasped at Sucy’s back, holding her so tight for fear she’d slip away. She hid her face in the nape of Sucy’s neck, strangling sobs as they tried to slip out of her throat. “I’m a terrible girlfriend,” she rasped, a miserable, hacking noise finally going loose.
Sucy squeezed her harder. “No you’re not Akko. You’re amazing.” Sucy just held her, gently rubbing small circles on Akko’s back, letting her other get out all the pain she could. Sucy opened her mouth, then closed it before finally speaking again. “You…could come with me. If you wanted. I’ve got a place we could go in the Philippines. Or we could go somewhere else. Anywhere.”
Akko’s breathing was coming in harsh, raggedy gasps while she did everything she could not to cry loud enough to be heard. She dug her in nails hard into Sucy’s back, pulling her tighter against her. She wanted to. A very, very big part of her wanted to do that right now. Pack what she could carry and fly away with Sucy into the sunset.
Akko shook her still buried head. “I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I-I can’t. I love them, too. I couldn’t hurt them like that. I just…need time, okay?”
“Stop apologizing, idiot,” Sucy kissed the top of Akko’s head. “I love you, Akko. That’s all that matters right now. I love you.”
“I love you, too Sucy,” Akko said. ‘I love you’. Eight letters, three words, one sentence, all coming together to make a magic that no spell could rival. Akko felt something breakaway, something terrible and agonizing that she didn’t realize was clinging to her. Akko loved Sucy. She loved her so much that it hurt to be apart from her. She loved her so much that she was ready to throw everything away to be with her.
But not just yet. She loved Sucy, but she needed to face something awful first before she did such a thing. She wouldn’t face it tonight and probably not tomorrow or the day after. But when she did, Sucy would be there to pick up the pieces make everything…maybe not better, but different. Bearable. And that? That was magical.
That night, when the tears were dried, fronts put back up and the lights in the apartment had been turned off, Sucy’s sleeping bag remained unused.