Work Text:
As strange as it sounded, Dazai made him feel safe. Chuuya spent a long time -- well, he still struggles with it to this day -- struggling with his humanity, or lack thereof. Being the vessel for Arahabaki didn’t make him feel powerful or like a god per se. All Chuuya felt was loneliness. He felt that he had no right mingling with others, that he would only wreak havoc wherever he went. How could he live a peaceful life if the god that resided within him could come out at any moment, or rather, if Corruption could activate and destroy everything that Chuuya held dear.
Chuuya absolutely hated the feeling, but he also hated to feel vulnerable around others. These feelings of his, along with all the other sentiments that made Chuuya human, were locked up in his heart. He never voiced them, but he found solace in the fact that Dazai probably knew. Dazai knew everything, whether Chuuya liked it or not. If Dazai had noticed his feelings and actually cared about them, then it would help to explain why Dazai had started to treat him differently.
The subtle changes were there. The changes themselves were hardly something that a normal person would notice, but since Chuuya was especially hyper aware of even the smallest thing that Dazai did for him, it was only logical that he would notice such things. What, with the way that he not-so-discreetly worried for Chuuya whenever they went to battle together. His battle plans always seemed to make sure to leave as minimal damage to Chuuya as possible. On the off chance that Chuuya had to use Corruption, he always noticed how gently Dazai treated him afterwards. Sitting next to him as he slept, keeping a close eye on him as if to ensure that nothing would happen to him. Dazai could have simply chosen to leave Chuuya, but instead he chose to stay with him. Even though Chuuya was always disoriented after using Corruption, he’d never forget the tenderness in Dazai’s expression. The sigh of relief when he saw Chuuya come back to his senses; the soothing way that he held him in his arms. As much as Chuuya hated to admit it, these were important memories for him.
Everytime Chuuya regained consciousness after having used Corruption, the one thing on his mind was that this view was probably the best part of being in the Port Mafia, and it was truly a view that he could get used to. The constant presence of Dazai, surely, he could get used to this.
But seasons change just as people do, and Chuuya should have known that his time with Dazai had an expiration date.
Monsters don’t get happy endings after all.
-
Even though he had never properly voiced his feelings, Chuuya thought that words weren’t necessary to convey how he felt. His actions, he figured, spoke louder than words. The way that he interacted with Dazai, while hostile it may have seemed to others, had a hint of tenderness to it. Dazai must have picked up on it as well. Surely he must have noticed how Chuuya’s insults slowly turned into words that were only half-hearted in nature; his constant questioning on whether or not the idiot was planning on attempting suicide anytime soon, was clearly a sign of concern and not a silent hope that he would do such a thing. Much to Chuuya’s own chagrin, he wanted nothing more than to be closer to Dazai. He wanted to be as close to Dazai as Oda and Ango were. He truly wanted that, and at a certain point, Chuuya was sure that he outright craved to have that sort of connection with his partner. However, Dazai was never interested.
To Chuuya, such a thought from Dazai never made sense. When they first crossed paths, their moves were synced perfectly with each other. They complimented each other well in battle. Their personalities, as much as they clashed, surprisingly went well together. Chuuya hated to admit that perhaps Mori was right about them. Maybe they did make a good team. Chuuya needed Dazai if he ever wanted to use corruption and Dazai — well, Chuuya had hoped that maybe Dazai needed him too.
-
The first time they kissed, Chuuya wasn’t even expecting it. If anything, he was surprised that he responded so well to it. When it had happened, the duo had just gotten done with an exceptionally difficult mission. One which required Chuuya to utilize corruption. The thought of potentially dying from his own ability, from Arahabaki, didn’t faze him anymore. He had Dazai afterall. That day, Chuuya fell asleep shortly after Dazai cancelled his ability. What happened afterwards still feels like a blur to Chuuya these days. He recalls having woken up and noticing Dazai sitting nearby with a certain look on his face. A look that Chuuya could only describe as concern. But that didn’t make sense you see because that would imply that perhaps Dazai was worried about him .
The moment Chuuya tried to stand up from the uncomfortably bumpy ground, Dazai quickly turned his head in Chuuya’s direction. The concerned look instantly morphed to one of great joy, or was it relief? The memory was hazy after all, and whatever look he thought Dazai had was soon replaced with his usual stoic expression.
“You’re finally awake.” The statement itself was nothing special, but it was easy to tell that Dazai was trying to sound as uninterested as he could, looking anywhere than at Chuuya himself. It was probably the first time Chuuya had seen his partner so unnerved.
Chuuya raised a brow at this; walking over to where Dazai was standing. He peered up at him to see if the concern that he heard was all in his head, or if there was really something there. “Why does that matter? How long was I out?”
Dazai shrugged in response, still choosing to avoid eye contact. “Long enough for you to be the one that has to write the report for this mission when we get back.”
Whatever attempt he had to understand Dazai vanished into thin air and his anger flared up instantly, a habit Chuuya noticed that only appeared when he was with him. “Wh- But I wasn’t even out for that long! You can’t just decide that I’m going to do it alone!” There was more that Chuuya wanted to say, wanted to ask, but he was too tired from having just used Corruption, and he had a feeling his questions would go unanswered anyways. In the end, Chuuya decided to let it slide. “Whatever. It’s not like you planned to help out anyway.” He sighed, backing away from Dazai but didn’t manage to get very far as he felt a hand grab onto his wrist and pull him back. Before he even had a chance to react, Dazai’s lips were already firmly pressed against his.
Chuuya’s mind went haywire for as long as the kiss lasted. It wasn’t anything short but it definitely wasn’t long either. Perhaps three seconds at most, but Chuuya spent too much time wondering what the hell was going on to properly push Dazai away.
When he stepped back, Dazai still had that same, stupid stoic expression on his face. As if he didn’t just kiss Chuuya out of seemingly nowhere. Chuuya on the other hand was not blessed with such composure. His face was bright red, rivaling the fierce color of his own hair. It was also his first kiss too, not that that sort of stuff even mattered , but it would have been embarrassing to admit that Dazai of all people was his first kiss.
“What the hell ...was that for?” His pathetic attempt to stay neutral about the incident did not go unnoticed and instead only prompted Dazai’s smug expression to return.
“Well Chuuya did use Corruption during today’s mission which made things go a whole lot smoother -- or I suppose the amount of work that I would have had to do was lessened, and Chuuya also agreed to do the paperwork as well. It’s like they say, sometimes you have to reward your dog for their good behavior so they continue to act that way.” Dazai explained it as though this was some common occurrence, as if he was actually talking about a dog, and not Chuuya.
To add onto his increasing irritation, that explanation didn’t answer any of Chuuya’s burning questions at all. “First of all, why am I your pe-”
“Dog.” Dazai corrected with a sigh and shake of his head.
“Do- no, I’m not your dog either!”
Dazai pinched the bridge of his nose, the disappointment was but a ruse and Chuuya knew that, but he also knew better than to call him out on it. “But Chuuya,” the name having been dragged out in the brunette’s usual exaggerated tone. “Remember, you lost our bet before so you are my dog.”
Chuuya grit his teeth, trying to find at least one good reason to not beat the idiot to death where he stands. Having come up with no better excuse than the simple fact that Mori would be furious with him if he did so, Chuuya relented. “Whatever. What makes you think that I even wanted a kiss from you in the first place?”
“It’s not like you were against it.”
He could have reacted a multitude of ways, but what Chuuya chose to do was try and rationalize what had just happened. He wondered if maybe Dazai had some other reason for kissing him that wasn’t work-related reasons. The signs were there, right? Dazai looked concerned about Chuuya because he was unconscious for ‘longer than usual’, whatever that meant. Dazai then looked relieved when Chuuya woke up and was in good condition, well, in good enough condition for him to be starting fights with Dazai. And then….he kissed him! Chuuya’s heart had fluttered annoyingly when it put those pieces together. The prospect of the kiss really meaning something excited him in a way that he wished wasn’t caused by Dazai.
Despite the overwhelming evidence, despite how much he wanted for it to be true, there really was no point in trying to make sense of Dazai’s actions. Chuuya knew that, for his own sake, it’d be best if he just dropped it then and there. “Let’s just get out of here. I’m exhausted.”
-
The secret kisses that the pair shared after that became more frequent as time went on. It was starting to become a normal occurrence to Chuuya. It wasn’t just something he got from time to time when he did particularly well on a mission. Sometimes Dazai would kiss him because, well it’s Dazai, Chuuya didn’t really know what the reason was, but he also didn’t really care.
There would be times when Chuuya would be working on a report and Dazai would casually walk up to him, lift his chin up and plant a kiss on his lips. Very rarely would Dazai flash an exceptionally warm smile towards him afterwards. Chuuya didn’t want to seem cheesy and say that the smile quite literally took his breath away, but it really did. He wasn’t sure what was going on between the two of them, but he did enjoy whatever this was.
-
During one instance while leaning in to each other, Dazai noticed that Chuuya’s eyes were already shut, the glaring blush that was spread across his cheeks were one of the many indicators of his nervousness. All of Dazai’s attempts to contain his laughter failed upon seeing the sight. Chuuya’s eyes flew open and the confusion on his face quickly turned into annoyance.
“What the hell is so funny?” He meant for it to come off as threatening, but the slight squeak in his voice gave way to his insecurity.
Dazai shook his head, covering his own mouth in an attempt to suppress the remaining chuckles. “I was just thinking about how eager you looked about getting a kiss. It reminded me of how excited a dog gets when they know they’re about to get rewarded.” The snicker on his face only worsened Chuuya’s embarrassment.
They didn’t kiss that day. Instead, Dazai got a hard kick to his shin.
-
Their relationship, or rather, whatever it was that they were doing, was short-lived. Dazai never outwardly admitted to having feelings for Chuuya. All he had ever said was, “since chibi has been acting like a good and obedient dog lately, I should probably reward him, huh?” The cheeky grin on Dazai’s face never changed to anything more. Dazai’s gazes never turned into anything gentle, but Chuuya was certain that as time went by, he would stare at Dazai with nothing but fondness. The soft kisses that they shared obviously meant more than just a reward, right? They did to him.
When Dazai left the Port Mafia, Chuuya didn’t know how to feel. He felt a flurry of emotions. On one hand, he was glad that Dazai was gone, but not for reasons that one might expect. Chuuya knew how dark Dazai was becoming. The small glimmer of light that was once in his eyes was truly nowhere to be seen anymore. He was starting to become a literal killing machine. Chuuya wanted to do something, he wanted to help, but what could he do when Dazai never let him in?
He was glad that the idiot had left, truly he was, but there was still a bout of anger inside of him. He was angry that Dazai betrayed them. He was angry that he left without a word. He was angry that Dazai left him .
Chuuya spent that night drinking with the others who were celebrating Dazai’s departure. Sure, he was glad that Dazai was gone, but there was a persistent thought in the back of his mind that he so desperately tried to forget with alcohol.
He left without asking me to go with him.
-
As the years went by, Chuuya got no word from Dazai. Perhaps that was for the best. He wasn’t sure how he would react if said bastard suddenly showed up on his doorstep. He certainly didn’t imagine countless scenarios where they did happen to cross paths and Chuuya definitely didn’t notice how each one of them ended with him forgiving Dazai for leaving him behind. He didn’t care to notice them because they were all scenarios in his mind, and he knew that he would never cross paths with Dazai again.
Or so he thought.
“Why are you here?” The hatred practically seeped out of Chuuya’s lips, much to his own surprise.
Upon hearing that Dazai was only there for information regarding one of the Agency’s members, Chuuya couldn’t help but feel an awful twist in his gut. Of course Dazai didn’t come back for him. Why would he? If the thought had ever crossed his mind, he would have acted upon it when he initially left the Port Mafia all those years ago.
The pain in his chest was difficult to ignore, but Chuuya knew that it would be best if he ignored it for now. There was no way that he could show his vulnerable side to Dazai, though he was sure that the bastard already knew how Chuuya felt about the matter. He always knew.
-
That night Chuuya went to bed with a heavy heart. He tried desperately to shift his mind in another direction. He tried to think about tomorrow’s plans or perhaps even something he could do after work. Anything, really. It didn’t work out though, not one bit.
Chuuya couldn’t help but recall Dazai’s happy face with his new partner, with his new group. They all seemed to care for him and vice versa. Dazai would do anything for them, but when did he ever show that sort of kindness towards Chuuya? When did he ever look at him the way that he looks at the Agency?
Maybe it was his fault, maybe this is what he deserves. Chuuya pretended to not notice the emptiness that loitered within Dazai’s eyes when he was with the Port Mafia. It was so obvious to tell from the moment they met that Dazai couldn’t feel human emotions, or rather he failed to properly understand them. Chuuya wished to find out why, he wanted to know what had happened to Dazai in his life, but he also felt that it wasn’t in his place to ask. Chuuya thought that the more time he spent with Dazai, the less dark his eyes would seem. Maybe it was selfish of him to think that he could bring the light back into Dazai’s eyes. He desperately wanted that to be the case. All Chuuya really wanted was for Dazai to genuinely be happy. What he didn’t realize was how badly he wanted to be the one that Dazai was happy with. That happiness never came, not with Chuuya anyways. Being with the detective agency, it changed Dazai. He seemed happier, lighter, more pleasant, or as pleasant as he could be considering that he was still Dazai.
The loneliness that Chuuya feels now -- that he’s felt for the past four years -- perhaps it is his own karma. Maybe he was the one that abandoned Dazai first all those years ago. Choosing to ignore his feelings rather than try to address and work them out with his former partner. The time that he had spent with Dazai, the moments that they shared together, they would never return. Things would never go back to normal. It would be easier for Chuuya to toss aside his own feelings, but Chuuya was just as stubborn as Dazai.
In the end, Chuuya decides to continue waiting for Dazai. He’ll continue to walk beside him, continue to hope that one day he’ll be regarded with a genuine smile as well. He’ll always follow orders although maybe with slight reluctance. Chuuya can only hope that maybe someday his efforts will be noticed and Dazai will finally reward him again.