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The clock was slowly ticking its way to four in the morning, but Roman couldn’t seem to find the energy to make himself move from the edge of the bed.
He sat alone in the darkness, palms covering his eyes, trying to feel something, anything, that would make the giant pit in his heart feel a little less empty. He could barely breathe around the hollow that seemed to swallow him whole. The pain was almost unbearable, but he couldn’t manage to find the one thing to make it better.
Roman knew he was meant to love. He loved so fiercely and dearly that it was a part of his identity. He followed his heart down back alleyways and through all of the hardest parts of love and to the brightest moments where everything was alight. He couldn’t imagine not feeling the swoops and swings his stomach seemed to ride whenever he was near the ones he crushed hard on. He couldn’t imagine not feeling the sudden bursts of affection that warmed him up every time he thought of his one true love.
And Patton had been his one true love. He’d known it. They’d loved each other in a way that Roman was afraid he’d never be able to replicate. Roman didn’t know if he could bear to try and move on and find another relationship after knowing this kind of love.
He remembered all of Patton’s smiles, from the small ones to the largest ones, from the fake ones to the real and genuine ones. He remembered dancing in the kitchen as the weather thundered outside, swaying to the beat of each other’s heartbeats. He remembered analyzing Disney movies and watching Steven Universe and how Patton cried at every dog movie he saw, even if it wasn’t sad. He remembered the grin Patton wore when he was about to make a truly terrible pun, and how he seemed to have one ready for every situation like he had a full encyclopedia in the back of his mind. He remembered the pure joy that Patton seemed to have for existence, the one that made him bounce out of bed and pull Roman up so that they could stand in the morning light together for a few quiet moments. He remembered Patton’s humming in the kitchen, and the way that Patton despised orange juice and loved strawberries. He remembered the way that Patton always said “I love you” like it was a new and amazing concept.
Roman didn’t want to remember that those days were over. He didn’t want to imagine the way that time would make him forget these memories. He didn’t want to look over at the bed and know that there was no one there to fill the space Patton used to have. He didn’t want to realize that he’d have to live the rest of his life without him.
Roman had thought he’d been getting better at grieving. It had been months since the night, since the absolute worst night. He’d laughed since then. He’d smiled since then, he’d gone out with friends since then. It wasn’t as good as it used to be when he’d had Patton by his side, but he had been so close to moving on. He knew that’s what Patton would have wanted for him. He did everything he could to live for Patton, but tonight…
It was too much.
The clock chimed four quietly, and Roman felt the pressure of sobs building up in the back of his throat. A couple of tears worked their way past his hands and rolled down his cheeks. A hiccup shook his shoulder, and he could feel the breakdown coming.
He didn’t want this. He didn’t want this! He didn’t! He didn’t!
He didn’t know how he was supposed to move on from this. Patton meant everything to him, and he was gone. Patton had been part of the future he’d designed for himself, and now he stood alone in the rubble of his dreams.
He didn’t want to move on. He didn’t want to leave Patton behind, to slowly forget everything. He didn’t want to forget the sound of his voice, his expressions and vocal tendencies, the exact shade of his eyes, the memory of his warm hands.
He knew it was going to happen. He’d seen it happen to others, but he’d never thought it would happen to him. At least, not so soon.
He shook silently with sobs, no longer able to hold back everything.
He wanted Patton back.
He didn’t want to go through this alone.
But he’d have to.