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Knock. Knock. Knock.
Katsuki lowered his fist from the door and took a step back, pressing his nails into his palms so hard he thought he might draw blood. He felt ridiculous standing out here, holding his breath so that a sob wouldn’t escape and undoubtedly wake everyone on his floor. The only person he wanted to be awake right now was Eijirou.
Actively going to someone for help still felt weird, weak, even after the three months’ worth of therapy sessions, but Eijirou had told Katsuki that he could always go to him if he needed. He hadn’t yet, not since they’d started dating; miraculously, therapy and medication were actually working. He’d only had smaller, easier-to-manage nightmares since the fuck-fest that was the nightmare he’d had in class, but tonight… well, he didn’t really want to think about it.
Knock knock knock.
It was more frantic this time, and he cursed himself under his breath. What was taking him so long to answer? Katsuki was on the verge of just going back to his room and shaking alone in his bed like a fucking coward. Maybe he should’ve just done that anyway, instead of leaving the safety of his room and standing outside of Eijirou’s for God knows how long, trying to stay as quiet as he possibly could.
Shuffling, finally, from the other side of the door broke through his thoughts, and Katsuki tightened his fists. He was trembling too much, but he couldn’t fucking stop. He hated this. He hated being this weak, this cowardly, this… pathetic. He should just go back. Act like this never happened. Be brave and ignore all the stupid shit going on in his mind.
“Asking for help is not a sign of weakness, Bakugou. It is a sign of great strength and courage.”
Dr Akechi usually said some pretty smart things, but that… it was bullshit.
The door opened. Katsuki’s breath hitched and he looked up. Eijirou was standing there, rubbing one eye with a loose fist, his hair a mess of red sticking in every possible direction. Just seeing him put Katsuki at ease, just a little, but he was still on the verge of tears.
‘Kats?’ he mumbled out, words drawing together with sleepiness. ‘What’s wrong?’
Katsuki dropped his eyes, staring holes into his feet and feeling angry that he couldn’t meet his boyfriend’s eyes.
He kicked at the floor. ‘Had a stupid fucking nightmare,’ he supplied. His eyes were stinging so much he almost compared himself to fucking Deku. Almost. Katsuki wasn’t that pathetic yet.
Eijirou’s hand came into vision, intertwining their fingers together and pulling him into his room, shutting the door behind them.
‘Okay,’ he replied, voice so soft. The moonlight was streaming in through the window, but it was still too dark, and his panic was suffocating; he felt like he was being watched from the shadows. He switched on the desk lamp on his way past, just before Ei helped him onto the bed.
‘Do you want to talk about it?’ he asked, squeezing his hand and rubbing circles into the skin with his thumb. Katsuki shook his head and looked away. Too much had happened. He had almost lost them all. He had almost—
‘Hey, hey, it’s okay. Take deep breaths, Kats. I’m right here,’ Eijirou whispered, and Katsuki realised with a startled gasp for air that he’d started crying. He willed himself to stop: he was embarrassing himself. But he couldn’t.
His breath was coming out in short puffs of air, and he was holding himself back from tearing at his hair. He just felt so sick, thinking of all the possible things that could have happened. He was so tired of still having these nightmares, even if they weren’t as regular. He was on medication for fuck’s sake, but nooo, he still had to put up with this shit. And… he was angry. He was so angry. Not with others, but with himself, because he would probably have to deal with this for the rest of his life, no matter how much stronger he got. It wasn’t fair.
‘It’s not fair.’
‘I know, I know Katsuki,’ Eijirou replied, the sadness in his voice so obvious that he didn’t need to look at his face to see it. ‘I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.’
The crying lasted a while, but once it stopped, once Katsuki had calmed down, Eijirou put on a random movie to keep him distracted. It worked for the first half an hour, but he was still thinking about it, at least a little. A… a lot had happened in the nightmare.
He lay on his side, head in Eijirou’s lap, and he felt so much better not being alone. He felt better being with him. Safe, comfortable, warm.
‘Do you want to talk about it now? Or write it down so you remember to talk about it with your therapist?’ Eijirou asked, quiet so as not to disrupt the atmosphere. He was playing with Katsuki’s hair, twirling strands of it around his fingers and playing with the ends. It helped his heart slow down.
‘I’ll remember,’ he mumbled, not moving. The hands in his hair hesitated, then continued.
‘Okay.’
‘Okay,’ Katsuki replied, bringing his knees a little closer to his chest. It was unusual for him to be this open, this himself around people other than his parents, but Eijirou… he made him feel like he could talk about or do anything, and he wouldn’t be hated or judged for it. Since they’d started dating, he’d felt himself coming out of his shell more, like… if someone liked him for him, then maybe other people could too. His therapist had been proud of him for coming to that conclusion. Hell, he’d been a little proud of himself too. It meant that he was getting somewhere, she told him.
‘Did something specific cause it?’
Katsuki shrugged, looking at the pictures taped to the wall across from the bed. They were all of Eijirou with his- their friends, bright smiles. A few were of the two of them, one of them being one Ei took on their first date when Katsuki almost exploded the arcade machine. Some, even he had on his phone: of all of them, the ‘Bakusquad’, and the rest of the class too. He always denied that he loved them, but his friends knew the class photo was his home screen. Eijirou was his lock screen, because apparently, he was secretly an embarrassing fucking sap. Ugh.
‘Just… a lot of thinking,’ he supplied, turning onto his back so that he could look up at his boyfriend. He was looking down at him, and there was so much love in his eyes that Katsuki couldn’t help but smile.
He’d been thinking about his feelings for a long time… it had been one of the main things he talked about in his sessions. He had a lot of pent up emotions and thoughts to sort through, as Dr Akechi had said when pointing out how much he brought up Deku and their childhood. They were still working on that. He hated it.
But yes, he had been thinking about his emotions instead of just ignoring them. He had been thinking a lot about his feelings for Eijirou. Since the USJ, he’d seen him as someone interesting, someone to keep his eye on. Then the Sports Festival happened, and they just became closer, and Katsuki saw him as someone strong, someone who would make a great hero.
Then… everything else happened, and his feelings just kept getting bigger, because Eijirou was everything. He was needlessly kind, sometimes a bit of a dumbass thanks to Dunce Face’s influence. Caring, loving. To Katsuki, he was perfect. He was always there for everyone, no matter the situation. He was always there for him, like right now. It didn’t matter if Katsuki was being an asshole, or if he was avoiding people, or if he had a nightmare: Eijirou would be there to help him sort through it. He would always be there to take his hand, just like Kamino. Just like tonight.
He raised his arm and put his hand on Eijirou’s cheek, rubbing at the soft skin there; his jaw fit perfectly in his hands, like that was where he was always meant to be.
‘You good?’ he asked, laughter light in his voice. Katsuki nodded, then pointed at his mouth with his other hand. He just laughed more.
‘So needy,’ he grinned, but leaned down and pressed his lips gently to his. It was perfect.
He pulled away, just slightly. ‘Ei?’
‘Yeah, Kats?’
‘I…’
He tilted his head, eyes on him and sparkling even in the dim light. He was beautiful.
‘Mm?’
‘I think I’m kind of fucking in love with you… or something.’ It felt right to say it. So right that he didn’t care about the reaction, whether it was shitty or not-so-shitty. But this was Eijirou, and he was smiling so brightly, eyes watering, so it would probably be the latter.
‘I think I’m kind of in love with you too,’ he replied, voice cracking on the last word. He pulled him up and Katsuki wrapped his legs around his waist, his boyfriend hiding his face in his neck.
‘Are you crying, Shitty Hair?’ he teased, letting his fingers roam around the mess of red.
‘Shut up, I’m happy,’ he scolded. Katsuki let out a breathy laugh and pressed a kiss to his forehead.
‘I know.’ Then, before he could chicken out of it, ‘Me too.’
Neither of them could stop smiling.
‘I love you so much, Kats,’ Eijirou said later when the two of them were cuddled up together under his duvet, trying to keep their eyes open.
‘You’ve said that four times already, idiot,’ he replied, pushing his boyfriend’s hair behind his ear. It still felt surreal calling him that sometimes, as dumb as it was. His boyfriend.
‘I’m just really happy I get to say it,’ he hummed, sleepy and content; Katsuki felt the same.
‘I know. Me too.’
‘You’re a good boyfriend, Kats, even if you always call my hair shitty. I’m happy you’re mine,’ he added then, squeezing the hand that lay between them on the mattress.
‘You’re not shitty… just your hair,’ he teased, a light smile still on his face. He didn’t usually smile, or express, this much. ‘I’m happy you’re mine too.'