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Shore leave was supposed to be a time of rest, but for Shepard, it rarely was. When she docked, Shepard was used to filling every moment of her time with something, all in an effort to keep her mind distracted. Having a place to return to that wasn’t a ship also left her at unease. The point of house sitting was to spend time at the place, though, so Shepard found her hands tied.
She admitted her limbs were starting to feel sore, in the same way they used to when she had just began her military training. They begged for a break, but Shepard was willing to ignore them in favor of going out somewhere exciting, if that’s what her house guest so desired. “Hey, got any plans for the evening?” Shepard asks. Tali kept pleasant company while the Normandy remained in dock. It gave Shepard a taste of what her life could be like, if she chose to settle down, rent a high end apartment on the Citadel and live out the rest of her days with her lover. Tali made it almost tempting, though Shepard was not sure how sustainable this lifestyle could be on her mental state. She found it better to remain preoccupied, that way, she did not think about the dreams.
“I’m free as the dust in the solar wind,” Tali spoke. She extends her hands in a miniature drama, which Shepard watches with uncertainty. She is left with the overwhelming sensation that this was a reference Tali was expecting her to catch, but Shepard was often far behind when it came to pop culture.
“Is that…” Shepard was slow to speak. Tali finally picked up that she was struggling and decided to help her.
“From Fleet and Flotilla!” She relayed. It rung a bell, but a very distant one.
“That’s a…” Yes, Shepard had heard the title before. Was it a movie? One of those erotic games that were all the rage now?
“It’s a vid!” Tali answers. She does a little twirl, before letting herself fall back onto the couch, her helmeted head falling into Shepard’s lap with a little less grace, but Shepard laughed it off. “It is my favorite movie!” Tali insisted. “How could you not have seen it?” There was a slight devastation in her voice, almost as if it were a personal offense. Shepard didn’t know what else to do but shrug. She barely kept up with human vids, let alone Quarian ones, but yet she felt a small pang of guilt. Obviously this meant a lot to Tali. Maybe it wasn’t exactly Shepard’s cup of tea, but she cared about Tali. She wanted to know the things she liked. “Well I know what we are doing tonight,”
She would let Tali make the orders tonight, since most of the time it was Shepard in charge. She preferred not to bring that dynamic with her into the bedroom, unless Tali requested. The same went with home life, and Shepard liked it when Tali made choices. She always made the most interesting choices, whereas Shepard’s were often more practical.
Shepard had loose ideas of what the night with Tali would look like, but somehow this hadn’t occurred to her. She was reminded of why she was always so behind on pop culture. She often excused that her schedule was too busy to keep up to date with all the latest vids. She spent too much time on missions or in transit between them and when she did get a few minutes to sit down, she was usually watching training vids.
It was a musical. Ugh. Musicals existed in a logic of their own. They felt like a phoney, unobtainable happiness. Not to mention the dancing. Now that was truly unobtainable for Shepard. She kept such cynicisms to herself. It was obvious this vid meant a lot to Tali, and it was a nice excuse to cuddle with Tali. Her arm remained draped over Tali’s shoulder, squeezing her in closer in the rare instances when Tali stole a glance towards her. For the most part, Tali’s attention was fixed on the screen. She hummed along to some of the songs, her foot twitched to the rhythm. It was kind of sweet to watch her girlfriend enjoy herself. But it was incredibly painful to have to sit still for over an hour watching something. Not to mention, the plot was a bit hokey. A Quarian and a Turian defied expectations of their own societies to be together. It was slightly out-dated, in her opinion. Interspecies relationships were common, now a days. It existed in plain sight every time Shepard was on the Citadel, watching two different species link hands or share a tender kiss - to the point where it hardly even phased her. Even Shepard had been with other species before Tali.
A thought occurred to her. Her eyes widened and she looked towards Tali, who was entirely enveloped in the movie. “Are you allowed to date outside of your species?” Shepard voiced. She understood the barriers now. Quarians were a people who mostly stuck together. Adult Quarian rarely ventured from the Migrant Fleet, as their entire life and duties were dedicated to the ship they pledged to. Quarians on their Pilgrimage, maybe it wasn’t so odd for them to explore other relationships, as well as the universe while they were away from the Fleet. But they were all expected to return eventually, right? To sever whatever connections they had with other species, join a new ship in the Fleet, and then eventually partner up with one of their own kind. Their species sort of depended on it, for population control, or else they could go extinct.
The question caught Tali’s attention. She was reluctant to pull away from the movie, or perhaps reluctant to consider the answer. “Yes, and no,” She replied. “There’s no formal ruling against it but..” Shepard watched with intensity, waiting for her to go on. Tali sighed. “Other species partners aren’t often welcomed with full residency on Homestead ships,” She explained. Shepard was quiet, mulling it over. It made sense, from what she knew about the Quarian people.
“You’d have to leave your ship to be with me?” Shepard pieced it together.
“That’s one solution,” Tali relayed, she nodded her head lightly, as if she had considered it. “It’s not a popular choice, but some Quarian decide to never return to the Migrant Fleet.” There was a lot of community in the Quarian species, though. Not to mention, Quarian were often othered by other species. To choose to not return was to choose a certain amount of loneliness. Shepard wasn’t sure she could ask that of Tali.
“What if…” Shepard broke off. She chewed on her lip, still letting the thought cook in her mind, but afraid to speak it in case it was a really dumb question. Tali was looking at her, her eyes shining behind her mask. “Could I do the Pilgrimage?” She finally voiced. A Pilgrimage proved the new member’s worth to the ship they wished to join. Marrying her way into the Migrant Fleet felt rude and intrusive, but what if she earned her place in Quarian society - even if she, herself, wasn’t Quarian. “Y’know, bring something of worth to your ship in exchange for residence?” Shepard clarified.
“You’d do that?” Tali was surprised by the offer. “Shepard, you’d be dedicating your life to the Homestead ship. You’d be allowed to leave, yes, but your official home would be on the Homesteader,” Tali explained.
“Yeah,” Shepard replied. She was still turning the idea over in her head. There were obvious cons, but she couldn’t help but think the pros were vastly outweighing them. “I guess...I never really thought about where I’d like to settle down. But it’s gotta happen eventually.” She looked around at the apartment that currently housed her. It was ostentatious, to say in the least. This was what she could expect from high end life on the Citadel, and with Shepard’s wages, she could afford to retire like this. Shepard liked the Citadel enough, but every time she visited, she found herself itching to get away again. Homestead ships were supposed to be just as crowded, if not more, but they were a lot more peaceful. Maybe Shepard would miss the conflict of every day life on the Citadel. Maybe it was the exact break from this lifestyle that she needed, and besides, within a few years Quarians would be recolonizing Rannoch. Being a part of rebuilding the Quarian homeworld was an opportunity Shepard knew she’d hate herself if she passed on it. It was definitely something she wanted to tell her kids about someday.
“You sound scared,” Tali pointed out. She was leaning in a bit closer now, the chin of her helmet pressing into Shepard’s breast. The vid played on without either of their attention. Shepard felt at unease, though she tried not to let it show. Despite her efforts, Tali had managed to read her.
“I guess…” Shepard broke off. She hated talking about feelings. She spent a lot of time trying to bury them, so that to dig them up and actively give them names went against her very practiced nature. “I can feel I’m heading towards a big change, and that is a little scary to me,” she confessed. She felt hesitant to make a decision, which wasn’t like her. Her entire career was based around split second decisions in the face of death, and now something so mundane was tripping her up. “I think for awhile I never thought I’d have a future outside of the military,” Shepard added. Hearing herself voice the words made her realize the truth. She often felt invincible on the battlefield, but that was because Shepard had already made a truce with death. She already accepted she would most likely die young and in a violent death. It was a belief she had so ingrained in her, to live another existence felt wrong. She thought she would be dead before she knew a peaceful time, so that planning for a future without conflict felt strange.
“We can discuss this more after we fight the Reapers,” Tali spoke, her voice sounding amicable even through her filter. Shepard felt a tension release in her. She freed her from making a decision right now and she loved Tali for that. “For now, this is all I want,” Tali reassured, lacing her fingers with Shepard’s. Most women, Shepard learned, were turned off by a partner’s inability to commit long term, and Shepard couldn’t say she blamed her past partners for feeling that way. Shepard could be complicated, but at least she was loyal to Tali. She couldn’t absolutely promise a future with Tali, but she knew she wanted one. She just wasn’t sure what shape it would take yet.
“I’m serious though,” Shepard started. “About considering a Pilgrimage.” Tali’s hands rested on either side of Shepard’s face, guiding it to face her. She leaned the forehead of her helmet against Shepard’s forehead.
“And my ship would be crazy to not accept you aboard when you do.” Shepard closed her eyes in comfort. Behind the couple, credits ran on the screen. Shepard admitted the song that played then was nice to listen to. Maybe she would give another, more serious watch of the movie after this night. She could impress Tali with her knowledge of trivia about it afterwards. She had to fight a smile twitching on her lips at the thought of how excited Tali would be. It only reinforced Shepard’s belief that she would genuinely do anything to make the Quarian woman happy.