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the suffocating smell of cigarettes, slowly getting to my lungs and wrapping invisible hand around my throat. it's choking me relentlessly, dragging sharp nails along the skin and giving me ugly, red bruises.
the darkness swallows me whole and i wander around like a lost child. i feel as if i'm drowning. i'm helpless, and i can't do anything but endure it.
playing with the knife decorated in rust, i see my blurry face reflected in the weapon. i look like a wreck - can't say it surprises me anymore. since when did i look alive? today my eyes look even more dead and the eyebags seem darker than usual. the vanettis killed my heart years ago, so why does everything still hurt?
i feel as if my feelings are tearing me up inside. i swallow lump in my throat as i think of you.
you; so effortlessly beautiful.
your smile and laugh are burned in my memory forever. so enjoyable to look at, so pleasing to listen to.
we started as enemies, do you remember?
that night when you were sleeping peacefully, i was pointing my gun to your forehead... wondering, if the blood would be visible enough on the red satin sheets in that obscure hotel room.
i was so close to finally getting my revenge for all of those years spent on planning, but something stopped me - it was your rough, deep voice still laced with sleep.
"do it," you said as you stared deep into my absent eyes "i'm the one who ruined your life, right?"
and i wish i could pull the trigger... but i couldn't when you were staring at me like that, wearing smug smile on your face - i couldn't give you this satisfaction.
corteo warned me about you and begged me to stay away from mafia. said the vanettis will ruin me even more. i swore i would protect myself, but instead of keeping my promise, i fell deep inside a cage called you so quickly, so suddenly without a warning.
our relationship was driven by hate. dangerous and toxic. it was a constant, thrilling cycle of danse macabre. i was like a bomb, ready to blow up at any given moment. we were so different. me, oh so deadly and you, oh so daring - never scared of me, even if my hands were dirty with blood of your family members and even if the body count rose up.
driven by vengeance, i feel the unexplainable pleasure from making you suffer. smiling every time when i pull the trigger, i think of your face washed in horror after discovering the corpses of your loved ones. you have to suffer like me. you have to see the deaths of people who were important to you... you have to share my pain.
i hated you so fucking much. i was ready to blow your brains out.
but...
you woke my emotions from the slumber and made me feel things i didn't know i could feel before - love, anger, sadness, grief, guilt. something within me changed.
the trips we had together;
the nights we spent next to few bottles of lawless heaven;
the warmth of your hand holding onto mine so strongly;
the deep kisses we shared under the pale moonlight;
the desperate hands that played the most beautiful and messed up melody;
the way you held me, as if you were afraid i'd break or disappear.
and it makes me think that maybe i could be happy for once - abandon the revenge, leave lawless, get a proper job and live to see the end of prohibition.
"bullshit. happiness was never an option for me" i decide, as i finish smoking the cigarette. a bitter smile creeps up on my face and i raise another glass of liquor to my lips.
"where do you want to go?" you say, as you take drivers' seat and put your hands on steering wheel. i'm next to you, looking out of the window with usual bored look on my face.
we decide on the ocean. it's our last destination and our final journey.
the loud sound of gunshot reaches my ears, and the sudden pain pierces through me. looking down, i can see a hole in where my hollow and empty heart was supposed to be. "so he pulled the trigger, huh?" i think.
i look back at you and you look so scared, like a lost puppy. you're probably still in shock over what happened and why you did it. it's okay. but isn't it funny? i wanted to kill you, but you ended my poor excuse of a life first.
my vision becomes blurry and dark, and i feel like i'm floating. it seems as if my body is getting unbelieveably lighter.
the last thing i hear is you, crying out my name.
i wish i could say "i love you" for the first and last time.