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5. Kiss of relief
Ashe feels sick to his stomach. This is insane. When he lost his parents, Ashe felt sadness seep into his bones and colour his world. When he became a thief to survive, Ashe’s every act was desperate, desperately holding his family together, desperately taking food that wasn’t his to live another day, desperately stealing things to put a smile on his sibling’s face. But having to pretend everything was okay after taking part in his adopted father’s execution was insanity.
Rhea’s bone-chilling decree, and the suspicious stares from the church that follow him everywhere ate at his mind. Hollow words of praise for siding with the Church, the school, whatever name that sounds most gallant. False comfort that the benevolent Church of Seiros would take care of his siblings, securely placing Ashe under the organization’s thumb. Cold glares are accompanied by watchful eyes. He could practically hear the unspoken questions. Would Ashe rebel next? Would he follow in the steps of his adopted family? Would he dare defy the Church even as his siblings were held hostage?
Once again, his entire life is thrown into chaos while he has to pretend to be strong for the sake of his little sister and brother. Now he must navigate messy politics with the severe Church, practically sewing a smile to his face to convince them of his loyalty to the place that has murdered his adopted family and sense of peace. He cannot grieve in front of others, because that would mean he feels sympathy towards the enemy. He can barely process all of these events. Why did Lord Lonato fight so fervently against the Church? Who convinced him of such lies? How could the man that adopted a thieving child change into a zealous martyr? What is the truth?
A tray of food is thrust before him. Felix sits across from him and offers no explanation as he begins to eat his own food. Ashe stares, wide-eyed and mouth agape, but if Felix notices, he does not comment. The meal is directly in front of him, so there is no doubt who it is for.
Ashe mumbles his thanks and waits for the inevitable questions or awkward conversation. His classmates sympathize with his plight and all offer their own form of empathy one way or another. Each well-meaning, poorly formed sentiment is a sharp jab to his heart. Ashe doesn’t want to smile to reassure his clumsy friends that he’s going be okay after panic fills their eyes when they say the wrong thing. Ashe doesn’t want to make idle chatter about things that seem small compared to his adopted father’s brutal murder. Ashe doesn’t want a distraction, because in the end he always has to face this awful reality. Nothing makes sense. Ashe detests when someone tells him he’s going to be fine, in some distant future beyond his reach. His soul is heavy, and he just wants to be miserable without hiding it.
Felix grunts a response and says nothing else. For the first time in days, Ashe feels relief and a faint smile graces his face as the silence continues. He nibbles at the food in front of him. On any other day, Ashe would have finished the pheasant roast with berries, but today he can only manage half a plate. He supposes that it is better than yesterday. Felix glances at Ashe’s plate once, before promptly leaving.
4. Kiss of intrigue
Ashe can’t stop the smile growing on his face when he spots Felix skimming the knight book. The plot was uncommon, but the uncanny resemblance between the knight and Felix always causes Ashe’s heart to flutter. What were the odds he could meet, perhaps even befriend, someone who encompasses so many ideals the archer holds dear? Happiness spills into his soul at the sight of Felix reading the story, despite his reservations, all at Ashe’s insistence. The giddy grin remains on Ashe’s face even as he leaves the room.
3. Kiss of yearning
A resounding whack echoes when Felix slashes the training dummy. He doesn’t even spare the archer a glance as he hacks away at the wood. Fiery passion blazes in his burnt sienna eyes, maybe even embers of anger, as Felix attacks an imaginary foe. Even though Ashe is supposed to be practicing and hitting targets, he hasn’t even nocked his arrow yet. Pale green eyes linger on the swordsman as he is enraptured by the man before him.
Ever since Ashe recognized the similarities between Felix and his beloved knight, he keeps noticing new things. Felix’s steadfast determination, his endless pursuit to be a swords master, his ever-present brash honesty, a certain level of stubbornness, the softness in his gaze when he petted cats, and a surprising vulnerability when approached by acts of sincerity are all qualities Ashe has uncovered. With every interaction, he learns more about Felix, but Ashe feels like he could spend years blissfully discovering more.
With every swing of his sword, Felix demonstrates his persistence like a proper knight and Ashe falls a little harder.
2. Kiss to soothe
Felix storms away from the church and Dimitri. Ashe didn’t hear what had transpired, but Felix’s thundering steps and the complex relationship that bound the two childhood friends paint a distinct picture. He wonders if he could comfort his friend. If a kiss would smooth Felix’s furrowed brows. Perhaps when their lips parted, Felix would express sincere words from his heart rather than venomous insults from his trauma. But Felix is already gone, and Ashe doubts he could coax such sentences from the swordmaster.
1. Kiss filled with worry
The nervous idle chatter at dinner and quick glances betray the lies everyone spills. They speak of the future, but no one believes that the dining hall will ever be this full again. Who wins a war without spilling blood on both sides? Ashe wonders if he should confess now. Kiss Felix before it’s too late. But then Ashe stops himself. A hurried confession spurred on by worry rather than affection seems unfair to Felix. Or maybe a rejection before this mounting battle is more than Ashe can handle. While lying in bed, thoughts swarm his mind as his eyes are glued to the ceiling. The moon descends and the sun rises with Ashe’s feelings still lodged in his heart.
Kiss of love
He doesn’t want it to be true, but his eyes force him to accept reality. The way Dimitri goes berserk on the battlefield. How the light leaves Sylvain’s eyes. Ingrid’s clenched jaw and harrowed expression. He knows he has to return to the battle; he knows the war isn’t over; he knows the battlefield is steeped in belligerent enemy soldiers, but, if just for a moment, he wants to grieve before soaking his hands in more blood.
Ashe decides that he hates everything. Why is the sun shining so brightly? Is the nice weather to mock his tumultuous emotions akin to a raging storm? Why are the skies so peaceful as his world is shattered? In the back of his mind, he knows his life is filled with blessings. The cheeky smile of his sister, the warmth of his brother’s hug, and the laughter of his friends are innumerably precious, but as he cradles Felix’s head in lap, marred in blood and bruises, Ashe feels incredibly empty.
I love you.
The words tumble out shakily, but Felix gives no response. Ashe expects none from the corpse he holds so tenderly. Softly, he plants a kiss on Felix’s forehead.