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“Lister, since when do you wear turtlenecks?” inquires Rowan as he enters the kitchen, brows raised. Lister, not having heard him approach, jumps. Rowan’s eyebrows shoot up higher.
“Since today.“ he says defensively, “ Why? D’you have a problem with it? Aren’t you the one that threw a fit at that awards show last year when I wouldn’t wear one to match with you?” he says, a smirk tugging at the corner of his lip.
“First off, it was not a fit. I just wanted you to look presentable. Secondly, I seem to remember you saying something about rather wanting to die than look like me.”
“Well maybe…I’ve decided to listen to you, O god of fashion,” he jokes.
There was something off about him, Rowan realized. There was a wariness to his eyes and a tenseness in his shoulders. His face seems puffy and his eyes are rimmed with red. His smile seems forced. Rowan notices that his lips are chapped, which was strange because he was supposed to be preparing for an upcoming modeling job.
“You okay, mate?” Rowan sits down across from him at the breakfast table.
Lister looks up at him, “Of course. M’fine.” He says this too fast. He’s definitely been crying. It’s undeniable from up close. Lister seems to realize that he’s been found out, and averts his eyes.
“You know, If you need to talk about something, I’m here. So’s Jimmy.” Lister makes a pained noise in his throat. His hand comes up to rub his neck.
“Look, mate, we’ve all been messed up about what happen in August, especially Jimmy, but I can tell it’s as bad for you as it is for him.”
“I’m…” he pushes himself up from the chair, “fine.” He gives Rowan a watery smile. This seems a bit more genuine than the joking, but it still feels like he’s hiding something. He leaves to his room and Rowan notices a bruise peeking out from under his collar.
***
Lister collapses on his bed on the verge of tears. He should be happier now. He’d gotten part of what he’d been wanting for the last three years.
He thinks back to last night.
***
He’d been in his bed restless and craving a cigarette. His thoughts flitted from the lyrics of their new song to his new modeling contract to Jimmy Kaga-Ricci.
His thoughts had a way of always returning to Jimmy. He thought about how Jimmy’s hair looked after his latest haircut, shorter on the sides and shaggier on the top, but as soft as ever. He thought about his doe eyes and how they looked when he laughed. He thought about the way he’d laughed last week when Lister’d cracked a joke about Rowan’s crush on some girl at a party. The secret smile they’d shared at their friend’s horrid attempts at seducing her. Sometimes, when Lister thinks of the culmination of smiles and glances and secret looks, it’s almost seems like Jimmy could like him back.
But then he’d think of the disgusted look Jimmy had given him after Lister had drunkenly kissed him. The way he’d leaned back as far as he could, trapped between Lister and the sink. Jimmy loved him, he knew. But couldn’t in the way that Lister did. And so, he was back. Back to drowning in a whirlpool of self-pity until he could distract himself or fall asleep.
Ten minutes went by, and he’d managed to fall half-asleep when he heard a clang from the kitchen and then the wiring of the refrigerator’s ice dispenser. He levered himself out of bed and peeked out of his bedroom door. It was Jimmy, sitting at the table, chomping at some ice. This was a nervous habit for him.
“Jim?” Lister’s voice was gravelly. Jimmy looked up, startled.
“Oh! Sorry! Did I wake you?”
Lister shook his head. “S’fine. I was already awake. You good?” He looked at the cup of ice pointedly. Jimmy gives him a small smile and doesn’t respond.
Instead, he stands up and walks towards the bedrooms. “You wanna watch something? I’ve been meaning to show you this movie.” Lister probably should’ve commented on the fact that he was avoiding the question, but didn’t want to turn down the invitation to sit with him, in his bed, arms pressed against each other. God, he was a horrible person.
Later, they’re under the covers, Lister could feel Jimmy’s foot pressing against his calf, and his breath on his neck every time he laughed at the screen. He felt like he could quite literally pass out. Maybe catch up on all the sleep he’s been missing. This went for about twenty minutes, and then he realized that Jimmy was watching him.
“Are you?” Jimmy whispers.
“Hmm?“ Had Lister missed something he’d said?
“Erm…alright, I mean.” He was talking about what he’d asked him earlier. Lister turned to him. His face was illuminated by the screen. The shaggy bit of his hair had fallen into his eyes, and Lister had the urge to tuck it back behind his ear. He was so beautiful. “I mean you asked me earlier, but it seemed like you weren’t okay either.” Moles doted his face like stars in a constellation.
“I…“ Lister’s voice cracked. He looked down at his lap and shook his head. Jimmy took a breath.
“Sometimes I think it’ll never get better. This…feeling of being trapped. That fate put us here and we’ll never be allowed to escape. I mean loved it at first, obviously. I mean we got to play our music and be heard and do it all together and the press and fame could get annoying, yeah, but it was outweighed by all of the good things.” His voice sounded so fragile. “But back in August, when everything was happening, when-when I climbed out of that window…God, I think if hadn’t done that, if I’d stayed and signed that contract, God, Lister I think I would have lost my mind.
When he was finished, Lister wrapped him in his arms. Let him bury his head in the crook of his neck. They stay like that for while breathing with each other, in and out.
Over his head, Lister whispers, “We’re kinda fucked up, aren’t we?” Jimmy let’s out a huff into his neck. “You know I’m here if you ever need anything?”
Jimmy slowly pulled back and Lister reeled from the loss. His hands were still on Lister’s shoulders and his eyebrows were drawn together as if he was trying to figure something out.
“Jimm-,” Before Lister could have asked what was wrong, Jimmy’s hands slid down to the collar of his shirt and pulled crashing their mouths together. At first, Lister couldn’t react. He couldn’t believe this was happening. He had spent countless nights for the past three years wishing this would happen. Slowly his eyes fluttered closed and he returned the kiss.
Jimmy surged forward and had Lister leaning back against the headboard. His hands came up and tangled themselves in his hair. After what felt like hours, they pulled back for air.
Jimmy was fully seated in Lister’s lap. Their foreheads were pressed together and their lips were slick. They panted against each other. Lister wasn’t as experienced as people seemed to think he was, but he had done this enough times that it shouldn’t have felt as completely new as it did. But, it was Jimmy, so of course it did.
“I-“ Jimmy cut him off again, tongue slipping into his mouth. He groaned.
It occurred to him that this didn’t mean as much to Jimmy as it did to him and that he could just be the nearest person who was willing. But he couldn’t bring himself to stop.
***
Lister had woken up to a cold bed. His and Jimmy’s clothes had been folded and set on the desk. Jimmy’s keys were gone. Jimmy was gone.
Why had he thought that this was anything other than a meaningless hook up? Why had he let himself believe that Jimmy could feel the same way?
Why else would anyone want to be around him than to get with him? He was Lister Bird.
Right there, in Jimmy’s bed, filled with the bittersweet memories of the things that had happen last night, Lister had broken down in tears.