Work Text:
“What are you doing?”
Choromatsu stopped typing away on the laptop and glanced up as Ichimatsu joined him at the table, cradling ESP Kitty in his arms. He didn’t look particularly curious, but then again, it was hard to discern anything but indifference in Ichimatsu’s expression at times.
“Nothing much--just revising my resume,” Choromatsu replied, taking a minute to stretch and flex his fingers, which had started to get cramped from so much typing.
Ichimatsu raised an eyebrow, stroking the top of ESP’s head. “Isn’t that Totty’s laptop? He’ll kill you if he catches you using it.”
“It’s fine,” Choromatsu replied with a shrug. “I asked first, and he gave me permission, as long as I clear out the search history after I’m done.” He rolled his eyes at the implication of what the youngest assumed he needed the laptop for--apparently he couldn’t take it in good faith that Choromatsu had perfectly legitimate reasons for using it.
“Ah.” Choromatsu couldn’t read much into Ichimatsu’s monosyllabic response, so he figured the conversation was probably over. He resumed his typing, and Ichimatsu ripped open a bag of dried sardines and started feeding a couple to ESP.
The room became silent, save for the click-clacking sound of the keyboard as Choromatsu tweaked his resume. It wasn’t easy. He didn’t exactly have a lot to put on it to begin with, and all he could really do was embellish what he already had. But he wanted to keep everything honest, too, so how could he make what he had sound better without bending the truth too much? He frowned thoughtfully, reassessing everything he’d just written.
“So why are you working on that thing now, anyway?” Ichimatsu’s voice broke the silence suddenly, startling Choromatsu out of his concentration.
“What?” Choromatsu asked, tearing his gaze away from the mostly-blank word document in front of him.
“Why are you working on your resume?” Ichimatsu repeated, nodding toward the laptop.
“Well, I mean, the obvious reason.” Choromatsu gave Ichimatsu a perplexed look. “I want to start job-hunting again. I’ve been slacking off lately, so I thought maybe livening up my resume a little might help me in renewing my efforts.”
“Oh. I see.”
“Hm?” Choromatsu raised his eyebrows at that response. “What do you mean by that?”
“Nothing.” Ichimatsu fed another dried sardine to ESP Kitty, a hint of a smile crossing his face as the cat ate it up eagerly. “Just thought you were aiming for something specific, that’s all.”
“Ah.” Choromatsu sighed. “I wish, but I’m not sure there are any positions available now that I really want--ones I’m qualified for, anyway. I’ll probably be lucky if I hear back from the convenience store if I put in an application there.”
Ichimatsu was quiet for a moment, nibbling on a sardine. Finally he asked, “Well, what’s wrong with that? A job is a job, right?”
“Yes...it is,” Choromatsu responded slowly, letting out a long breath. “But a job ringing up customers and stacking cans on a shelf isn’t exactly the type of job I’ve always dreamed of.”
“I don’t think anyone dreams of it, but it’s still a job that needs to be done,” Ichimatsu pointed out. “So why not by you?”
Choromatsu wasn’t sure how to interpret what Ichimatsu might mean by that. “Are you saying I should just settle for less?”
“No. You really need to stop reading so much into everything.” Ichimatsu grimaced. “What I meant is that at least it’s a job, something you can work at for a little while until you get what you really want. Might be good to start smaller anyway.”
Choromatsu blinked. “Oh.” That was really sound reasoning coming from Ichimatsu, who never really had much to say on the matter to begin with. “I suppose you’re right about that, and at least then I’d be getting some customer service experience as a cashier or whatever...that would look good on my resume when I apply for future jobs.”
Ichimatsu eyed Choromatsu skeptically, and Choromatsu bristled at the unexpected intensity of the look. “What?”
“I’m just wondering...I mean, what exactly is your endgame?” Ichimatsu finally asked. “What’s this big goal in life you’re always chasing after?”
Choromatsu blinked, taken aback by the question. Hadn’t he already told his brothers this, countless times? Or had Ichimatsu cared so little until this point that he’d completely tuned him out before?
“Isn’t it obvious…?” Choromatsu began. “My big goal right now is to graduate from being a NEET and get myself out in the real world. I want to get a good, respectable job at a good company, one where I can work my way up and be successful. Maybe one day I could even become CEO of my own company if I work hard enough! Ah, not that I would know what type of company, but...that’s getting ahead of myself, anyway. The point is, I want to work for a real company, where I’m really accomplishing something.”
“Hmm.” Ichimatsu hummed in response, which Choromatsu wasn’t sure how to read.
“And well…” Choromatsu lowered his gaze to his hands, which were resting in his lap now, as he went on to his next point--because something about it was just so quaint and domestic it was a little embarrassing to admit. “I always sort of saw myself having a family to come home to at the end of a long workday. I don’t know, I guess I just always imagined something like that...maybe a wife and kids to greet me when I get home, something like that…? And maybe a dog...”
He blushed when he realized he’d started rambling nonsensically, so he quit and shook his head as if to dismiss it. “A-anyway...that’s it, my goals for the future. That’s what I want out of life.”
“Huh.” That was all Ichimatsu offered up in response, as he scratched behind ESP Kitty’s ears.
That was not a satisfactory response for Choromatsu, after he’d laid everything out for his brother. “What?” he asked, his tone already taking on a defensive edge. “Is there something wrong with that?”
“I mean, not really...not if that’s what you really want,” Ichimatsu answered. “Except…”
“Except what?” Choromatsu wanted to know, exasperated by having to drag these answers out.
“Except is that what you really want?” Ichimatsu fixed Choromatsu with a surprisingly deep gaze, as if trying to search his soul through his eyes.
“Er...yes?” Choromatsu frowned, his brows knitting together. “I said that already, didn’t I? Why wouldn’t it be?”
“What I mean,” Ichimatsu started, somewhat cautiously, “is that sometimes when you talk about your big dreams for the future, it kind of seems like...I dunno, that you’re more fixated on some ideal fantasy. That it’s what you think you should want instead of what you actually want.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Choromatsu asked indignantly, squaring his shoulders and leveling Ichimatsu with a glare. “These are perfectly reasonable goals to have. It’s what a lot of people would strive for!”
“See?” Ichimatsu prompted, taking Choromatsu off guard. “There it is. You said it’s something a lot of people would want, but is it really what you want? Or have you just tricked yourself into thinking it’s what you want just because you think it’ll make other people proud of you?”
Choromatsu could only gape at Ichimatsu, astounded to the point of speechlessness by this rebuttal. First of all, where did Ichimatsu even get the audacity to question Choromatsu on his life goals, when his own pursuits in life leaned more toward aiming to be reincarnated as a cat in his next life? And what was wrong with Choromatsu’s goals, anyway? He was satisfied with them, so that should be the only thing that mattered!
At least...he thought he was.
“I’m not trying to make anyone else proud of me,” Choromatsu finally answered, though his voice sounded doubtful even to his own ears, “I’m trying to make myself proud. I want to prove to myself that I can really do this, that I can dig myself out of unemployment and live the kind of successful and fulfilling life I could only dream of before.”
Wow... hearing himself say that now sounded like he was reading off of an advertisement for some kind of self-improvement program. As if he simply had the words memorized, rather than meant them from his heart.
But...that’s what I’ve dreamed of doing for years. It’s what I want the most...isn't it…?
“I… think that’s what will make me happy.” Choromatsu sighed heavily then. “Or...it’s what I want to make me happy. Deep down, I’m not completely sure that’s it, after all.”
There...he’d said it. A deep, secret fear of his he’d kept buried for so long...pushed as far down and back as he possibly could, if only to try and convince himself he was aiming for the right thing. That hidden worry that maybe, just maybe the goal he’d been pursuing might not be what he really wanted after all. All along it had been easier than confronting the truth—he really wasn’t sure what else he wanted, and the idea of wanting nothing was scarier than not having something he wasn’t fully happy with.
But...could he really tell Ichimatsu all of this, so out of the blue? He darted a quick glance up toward his younger brother, gauging his reaction.
Ichimatsu met him with a knowing look of his own. “So you’re saying...you don’t know what you actually want, right? And that’s almost worse than knowing and not being able to reach it.”
Choromatsu’s face reddened, and he bowed his head again. “I didn’t realize my thoughts were so transparent.”
“It’s...it’s not that, exactly.” Ichimatsu shifted uncomfortably in place, dropping is gaze now too. “Just that, well...believe it or not, I’ve been there too. And it’s scary as hell, not knowing what you want out of life sometimes.”
It didn’t make things better exactly, but knowing Ichimatsu shared these fears made Choromatsu feel a little less lonely. “I didn’t know that...you know you could always talk to me if you ever want help coming up with a plan for the future.”
“And get you to wrangle me into some salaryman position? I’d rather die,” Ichimatsu deadpanned, then relented slightly. “But, like...all I’m trying to say is, I don’t know what I want, but I hope I will one day. It’s something that can’t be rushed sometimes. And you don’t have to rush it either. You have time to think about what you want to do.”
Choromatsu bit at the inside of his cheek anxiously. He wished he could believe that, but guilt and shame ate away at him. “Even if I’m already in my twenties and so many of our peers already have their lives figured out by now…? I shouldn’t feel bad if I’m not there yet?”
“No...I mean, I get that feeling, because we’re all shitty trashy NEETs who should be doing something... but there’s nothing wrong with using your time to really think about what you want to do. Not everyone has it all together yet, and the people who say they do are probably bullshitting anyway. Better to slow down than to rush into something you’re not gonna be happy about later, right?”
“I guess not.” It was amazingly sound advice, coming from Ichimatsu, whom Choromatsu had always assumed never cared about these things. Maybe they had that in common, after all, which was surprisingly reassuring to consider.
“As for family.” Ichimatsu raised an eyebrow at this, and Choromatsu shot him a quizzical look. “Do you really want that, or do you just think you do ‘cause you boasted to Mom you would give her grandkids one day?”
Choromatsu’s cheeks grew hot at that accusation, even if it wasn’t really one. “That’s...that’s not it…”
“And what about that one guy you said you wanted to ask out anyway—the guy with his hair in his eyes that you go to concerts with and that you always talk about?” Ichimatsu went on. “You should go for that—“
“That has nothing to do with this!” Choromatsu was sure his cheeks were a flaming shade of crimson by that point. That wasn’t even Ichimatsu’s business...not that Choromatsu hadn’t mentioned it once or twice…
“All I’m saying is...you should do what makes you happy, not what you think will make everyone else happy,” Ichimatsu reiterated, coming back to his main point. “Think about it at least, okay?”
Choromatsu inhaled deeply, then let it out slowly. “I will. I’m still going to put in some applications here and there, but I guess it would be wise of me to reassess what I really want to do. Actually, there’s a bookstore that’s hiring, it would be really nice to work somewhere like that if they’ll hire me. As for, um...asking that guy out...maybe. That’s all I’m going to say. Because he’ll probably say no.”
“But you don’t know until you try.”
“Right, right. And...thank you, Ichimatsu. Maybe I really did need to hear that, after all.”
“Yeah, well.” Ichimatsu shrugged. “You looked stressed, and sometimes you need a reality check.”
Choromatsu laughed a little at that. “Yeah. That’s one way to put it.”
The two settled into comfortable silence for awhile, Choromatsu going over his resume once more and Ichimatsu petting his cat. No one would have been able to guess the meaningful conversation that had happened between them moments ago were they to walk in now.
After several moments though, Choromatsu lifted his gaze to peer at Ichimatsu with interest. “So, what sort of field do you think you want to work in, by any chance?”
Ichimatsu froze, clearly not expecting the question. “Uh. Nothing really.”
“Oh come on, I’m sure there’s something!” Choromatsu prompted with sudden enthusiasm. “You’d be a great vet, I’m positive of it.”
Ichimatsu shuddered. “Nope, no no no. Too much schooling, too many needles.”
“Well, what about a cat cafe?” Choromatsu charged on. “Or one of those pet salons? I’m sure there’s thousands of options for you! Why don’t I help you with a resume?”
“Let’s not.”
“No really, I can do a good job! We can count you feeding the cats in the alley as volunteer work, that’ll sound good!”
“Cut it out or I’m telling your crush we call you Fappymatsu!”
“That’s not fair! You wouldn’t!”
“Would so.”
“No way!”
The peaceful part of the afternoon was gone. ESP Kitty pounced off of Ichimatsu’s lap and dashed off as the back-and-forth banter wore on and became more heated, though not enough to be considered an argument either. One of them simply didn’t want to give up, and the other didn’t want to give in.
As it turned out, the middle brothers had more things in common than they ever thought—stubbornness being among them.