Chapter Text
He was trying so hard, so very very hard to keep his composure. He always tried, it was the thing to do, the manly option.
What kind of son would he be to Phil Fucking Mitchell if he behaved like a defenceless child? He was the tough guy, the one that protected others, his family. Hell he was the one that looked after himself. He had to, nobody else would. His dad was better at putting him in danger than he was at getting him out of it, barging into every dispute guns blazing, shouting at the top of his voice. He was always ready to throw a punch. So Ben was always ready to throw one too, and even quicker to dodge.
Then there were the instincts which he'd built up Inside, the survival reflexes so that he wouldn't get smashed in the face again and again. He fought desperately against his flinches, tensing himself up to stop his muscles from giving his nerves away. Then he ended up shouting, more frustrated at himself than anything. It was unintentionally good at giving him an air of aggression and violence. He seemed like a guy who could bash someones face in so eventually he felt like he could do it. The idiom of fake it till you make it personified in him.
Turns out the outside was just as brutal, although he'd always known that really. He'd had a rough road through childhood, a rough adolescence and yet he was still here, still fighting, still breathing. He sometimes wondered why that was in these insane moments of self reflection. Thats why he didn't like being alone. With nobody to talk to his mind would start talking to itself, ruminating on shit that had happened yesterday, and then also years in his past. He just hoped somewhere in his life there'd be a pause, a bit of respite. He had it to a degree in Lola and Lex but they were just as vulnerable as he was. They were involved in his mess. They were human. And then there was Callum, he was something else. He didn't deserve to be here, and he'd told him that.
The square was inhospitable as frequently as it was homely and filled with laughter, and what was worse about the smiles was that there was always pain behind them. He used to think with Life moved on for everyone in Walford, but for Ben it seemed to move on through an endless list of scenarios which would hurt. First Stella, then Paul, and now his hearing.
The world had been going quiet for some time since the boat. He waded through it at first, the discomfort. He was in a daze, the only thing on his mind his boyfriend, who was stowed away somewhere with that shit Keanu Taylor. The deafness was an afterthought. He'd tried in vain to ignore it, after all it was nothing new. He'd had dodgy ears since he was a kid, but the concern was like cancer, it kept growing, and his ears kept ringing. He'd hear people talking to him through a thick soup of other noises, crackles and pops. He could have been at the bottom of a well, or under fricking water. What was worse they patronised him, talking to him like he'd lost his marbles not his hearing. Jay told him to listen, like he was a petulant child (what the hell was that about?) then Stuart. Stuart was an idiot as per usual. Kind of unfortunate that he hung around Callum like a bad smell, even though he refused to help when things got tricky. It made him sick.
Then... and this was more frightening, his ears stopped ringing. It was like someone had flicked a switch. He stood in the kitchen, over the cutlery drawer, clearing up, being perfectly domestic. His mum would be proud, He should have been happy. His boyfriend was back, and had for only the second time in his life expressed his need, his hunger for Ben when he wasn't smashed.
Something was wrong though. Ben slammed the drawer, but he didn't hear the shimmering of the cutlery. Didn't wince at the rattling as the drawer rocketed closed. Angry at his own senses he slammed it again, and again, this time it was worse. Where he would have heard the shuffling, he didn't hear anything.
No! He thought, raging against himself No, no, no, this couldn't be happening! Not to him, not now. His life was only just starting to piece itself back together. Even if it was cracked, and missing a few parts. Denny, poor kid. He tumbled over to the sink, careless limbs flying everywhere. His alighted upon a pair of pans. He wielded them for a moment, arms aching slightly. Then without hesitation he thrust them together, slamming them into each other. But he couldn't hear the smash, the metallic dissonance entirely lost to him. He did it again, and again and before he knew it he'd exploded in tears. The grief that he'd been holding back suddenly forthcoming. It exploded through the barriers that he'd thrown up, a river bursting it's banks.
In an instant Callum was there, a pillar in the shape of a man. Ben fought against him, wrestling away from his grip, twisting and writhing . His adrenaline coursing through him making him want to do anything, be anything, but here and now in this fucking disaster. But then Callum grabbed him, and held him. Not fighting against his movements, but moving with him. He had hands like paws of some massive dog, clumsy in most situations, expert in only a few. But this was one of them. He took to holding Ben close, showing affection. It had been barely 5 minutes since he'd written "I ❤ U" on his back with a finger. Christ, Ben thought again, he really didn't deserve Callum Highway. The other man ran one of his hands through Ben's hair as he wrangled with him, trying to get him to stop, to consider. He was going to hurt himself if he wasn't careful. When Ben stopped moving, surrendering to the touch, Callum stopped pulling or moving with him. Somehow this was enough, to be held. He felt somewhat safe, the safest he'd felt in ages. It didn't mean he stopped sobbing.
"Ben, Ben, It'll be alright" Callum said strong, but soft. He wasn't judging him, getting him to shut up. He was listening, and caring.
"No it's not" Ben shouted in between wracking breaths. "It's never gonna be alright again"
"I know it is" Callum said resolutely. He was doing his thing, when he formed a kind of blanket, surrounding Ben in warmth, bodies so close, almost folded over him. His head was on his shoulder.
The proximity, while comforting, was also helpful in letting him hear, at least a tiny bit better.
"You really think that after all we've been through together, that I'm just gonna walk away when your fighting somthin' that ain't your fault? You think everyone else is gonna leave ya' alone? Ya think your family's gonna see you sufferin' and just do nothin'"
"Maybe" Ben shrugged, and finally wiped his face with a hand. The other was still stuck between him and the countertop.
"I know they ain't." Callum stated, and backed away, only to pull his boyfriend around to face him. "I ain't." He said, running his hand along Ben's arm. "They love you Ben, I love you. Now if you can't see that after everythin-"
Ben's face creased, his eyes crinkled with bittersweet amusement. His heart swelling inside his chest.
"there's only one other thing what I could do, to convince ya" Callum continued "You might not be up for... ya know... that-and I was being proper selfish thinking you would be. But-"
He didn't even get to finish, Ben was the one to grab him this time, flinging his arms around him. He had to stand on his tip toes to reach Callum's lips. But they were sweet, and warm, and (at least for now) they were his.