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Fyodor starts dating Nikolai right after the epic FyoZai break-up. Chuuya—because he hates rats more than he hates mackerels—volunteers to fake-date Dazai so that he can get back at his ex.
There’s only one (?) major problem. Fyodor and Dazai never dated to begin with, but Chuuya cannot be convinced otherwise.
“See, that shitty Dazai looks like he lacks sleep,” Chuuya observes loudly, almost hysterically. “That mackerel bastard is too proud to show his sleeplessness publicly, even though he’s an insomniac, so things must be really bad if he’s looking so tired in public!”
“Dazai-san looks the same as always,” Akutagawa says with a cough.
Four tables away, Dazai is slumped forward on the table that he’s sharing with Student Council President Ango and Everyone’s Favorite TA Oda. Dazai is ignoring his food, but that can be due to any number of reasons. Maybe they’re not poisoned. Maybe he’s too lazy to even use his own chopsticks. The possibilities are endless.
“He’s clearly heartbroken! He’s being a public disgrace, urgh! We can’t let this happen!”
“I’m starting to think this is simply because you want a chance to date Dazai-san, but is too tsundere to admit it,” Atsushi says with the air of the long-suffering, or the suffering of someone who hasn’t had his first chazuke of the day yet.
“Shut it, jinko.” Chuuya rolls his eyes when Akutagawa hisses like a disgruntled cat at the sound of his oh-so-personal nickname being reused by someone else. “I’m only doing this because none of you scrubs want to take one for the team.”
The ‘team’ in this case, is being graduates of Yokohama City High School who are now in Yokohama City University. The sports rivalry between their school and the school where Fyodor hails from is legendary. Meaning, since most of them aren’t even in sports teams during high school, they really cannot be bothered.
“We can’t fake-date Dazai-kun,” Yosano points out, sounding very responsible if one ignored the fact that she’s actually the one who pointed their table’s attention to Fyodor and Nikolai entering the cafeteria holding hands to begin with. Well, it’s more like Nikolai is wrapped like a smiling, loony tentacle around Fyodor’s arm, but it’s the thought that counts. “Since we’re all already dating someone else.”
Chuuya gestures towards Kunikida who’s sitting at the end of their table, surrounded by his notebooks. “He’s single too!”
“Do you want Kunikida-san to die from hypertension from dating Dazai? I didn’t know you were that cruel, Chuuya-san.”
“Shut it, jinko,” this time, Chuuya has a lot less energy in saying it. With a listless sigh, he says, “I’m only doing this because you guys leave me no choice.”
“No, we’ve been trying to dissuade you for the past half-hour!”
“It really is a terrible idea,” Poe speaks up finally, his shyness overshadowed by the thought of the sheer amount of secondhand embarrassment he’s going to get if he lets Chuuya publicly make a spectacle of himself.
“I think it’s a great idea, Fancy Hat.” Ranpo opens his eyes, which tells Chuuya that he’s serious. Serious in not wanting to miss a moment of this hilarity, that is. “It will be funny to watch, go on!”
Poe immediately reverses his opinion. “I agree, Ranpo-kun. I think it’s a great idea.”
“Sellout,” someone grumbles, but Poe’s sparkling eyes and ears are reserved for his boyfriend so no harm done.
“Okay, I’m really doing this,” Chuuya says and nearly jumps off his seat with a burst of energy.
Every single person in the cafeteria—except maybe for Nikolai (loyally attached to his new beau)—keeps their eyes on the incoming entertainment. Even Kunikida has deigned to look up from his notebooks, if only to preemptively call campus police because everything that happens involving Dazai and Chuuya always require intervention by higher powers. Even Kajii looks up from his experiments on lemon bombs from five tables away, because he’s bound to witness some explosions this way too.
Chuuya’s target, the supposedly heartbroken mackerel, continues to moan like a dying whale against the cafeteria table. Chuuya announces his arrival by kicking Dazai’s legs.
“Chuuya-kun,” Ango is the first one to greet him. He looks torn between despair that Chuuya’s arrived (good—Chuuya wants to be so badass that everyone shits their pants upon seeing him) and relief that Chuuya’s appeared so that he can take Dazai off their hands (not so good—because now Chuuya’s imagining Ango as a harassed mother trying to pawn off his shitty son).
“Sup, nerds.”
Oda takes that moment to greet him, “Hello.”
Dazai continues his slump over the table.
Chuuya kicks his legs again.
“Oi, shitty Dazai, take me out on a date.”
An actual explosion goes off in the background, but everyone ignores it because they’re used to Kajii.
Dazai, the supposedly heartbroken mackerel, jumps off his seat with the same energy that Chuuya had earlier, and winds his entire, bandaged self over Chuuya’s arm. “No takebacks!”
There’s relief on so many people’s faces, it’s almost as though Dazai has threatened to castrate the entire university should he not score a date with Chuuya today.
Ango, because he’s actually a nice, responsible boy, takes the moment to ask amidst the hollers from the entire place. “Chuuya-kun, not that I’m not happy for you two,” he hedges when Dazai shifts from glomping his date to stare at him. “But why do you want to date Dazai-kun?”
“Only because he’s heartbroken by a rat and I can’t witness something so pathetic.”
“But Dazai-kun did not date Fyodor—”
“—for too long, but I’m very sad and heartbroken,” Dazai says cheerfully, while very cheerfully making slicing motions towards his supposed friend. “I need at least a seventy-year relationship so I can nurse my broken heart. And we’ll have to invite Fyodor-kun to our wedding, to make him very jealous.”
“We can’t have a wedding this year,” Chuuya argues—seemingly finally seeing some sense. Only seemingly. “Randou will only get back from his trip next year.”
Dazai pouts, but does compromise with a, “Fine, but we’re going to rub in our lovey-dovey relationship in front of everyone’s faces, okay?”
“Please don’t,” several people mumble, but it’s too late, Chuuya’s already agreeing and kissing Dazai.
“This is going to be such a funny year,” a delighted Ranpo comments in the background, but it’s mostly drowned by the sound of pained groans from everyone else. Mostly from Fyodor, who has just spectacularly lost his bet with Dazai as to who can get Chuuya to ask them out on a date.
The campus police arrives at that moment—takes one look at Dazai and Chuuya kissing in the middle of the cafeteria—sighs deeply and leaves as fast as they can.
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end