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The Legends, plus Behrad’s sister- hostage? Sara really needed to look into that more later- had successfully completed yet another mission yesterday, and all Sara wanted to do in celebration was have a lazy morning with her girlfriend. But Ava had crawled out of bed before Sara could even hit the snooze button, explaining that she absolutely had to work on the revision episode for StabCast about everything they learned.
“Why have a true crime podcast if you didn’t keep up with the truth about the crime?” Ava had said. Sara didn’t understand the point of a true crime podcast at all, but she’d wisely kept that to herself, wished Ava good luck, and rolled back over for an extra hour of sleep.
An hour and 27 minutes later, Sara walked into the kitchen to find the rest of her team sitting down for breakfast. She grabbed her oatmeal from the fabricator and looked around for Ava before she spoke.
“Alright, listen up. Ava’s worked really hard on her podcast, so you’re all going to download it and at least give it a try. She’s part of the family, and it means a lot to her that we support this.” Sara glared at everyone around the table. Zari and Mick were the only two seemingly unaffected by her ‘we do things for family’ speech. “Got it?” She got nods from around the table- and a grunt from Mick as he finished his breakfast beer- from everyone but Zari.
“Ugh. Podcasts are so 2031. I mean, maybe if she used a better medium- ” Zari’s complaint against podcasts quickly faded to silence as Sara pulled a spare knife out of her bun and began twirling it between her fingers, all without breaking eye contact.
“Glad we’re all on the same page, then!” Sara’s voice was chipper as she stowed her knife and resumed her breakfast like nothing out of the ordinary had happened. And for the Legends, it really hadn’t.
Sara had nearly finished her oatmeal when Nate piped in with a final question.
“But do we have to respond to her “Fun Facts!” email blasts?”
Sara just smirked. “Baby steps, Nate. Baby steps.”
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Sara took a deep breath as she finished stretching in the Waverider gym. Pulling out her phone, she set the podcast speed to 1.25x and put her headphones on as she hit play on the first episode of StabCast, determined to support her girlfriend- and lead by example to the rest of the Legends. She had been feeling nagging tendrils of guilt over not having listened to it yet, especially seeing how excited Ava had been over the past few months as she talked about ideas for new episodes.
Like most things on her to-do list that weren’t immediate threats to the timeline, it had gotten pushed aside for later. But Ava’s disappointment at the team meeting earlier brought it right to the top of her list now that they had finished dealing with their latest Encore, and Sara intended to support the hell out of her girlfriend’s newest passion project.
Running helped clear her mind from her distractions, and Sara took advantage of that as she let herself clear her mind of her other distractions and focus on Ava’s voice in her ears. She wasn’t paying too much attention to the content; Sara was more focused on Ava’s voice itself, the way she rushed when explaining something particularly interesting, trying to get all the words out as fast as possible before she ran out of breath, or the way she would purposely lower the pitch of her voice and slow down when trying to build extra suspense.
She was so focused on Ava’s voice that she was caught off guard by the description of the killer as “especially vicious,” causing her to stumble on the treadmill. 5.48 miles, the display on the treadmill read. Plenty for a warmup. Sara shook her head and let herself get distracted by Ava’s voice again as she stretched out her arms and moved to start a few reps on the salmon ladder.
“A monster driven by a need to kill”- the bar missed the rung on Sara’s left side with a loud clank . As the impact jolted up her arms, her grip faltered, throwing her to the mat below the salmon ladder, breathing heavily. Sara slowly stood up, shaking out her wrists from the impact, and looked at how many podcast episodes were left. 3. Ava was ranking her top 10 serial killers and the episodes left featured the top three offenders. Sara inhaled deeply, familiar insecurities were fighting to make themselves known.
Exhaling hard, she grabbed her wrist wraps and made her way over to the hanging bag. She could listen to three more episodes. For Ava.
__________________________________________
Ding!
Ava looked up from her notes at the sound of her computer’s notification. She was nearly finished editing the revised episode for StabCast about Freddie Meyers, or more accurately, Kathy Meyers, the Prom Night Slasher.
Looking around Sara’s office, Ava realized she hadn’t taken a break in over four hours and it was nearly midnight. Her papers were scattered in piles across the desk and her voice recorder’s low battery light was blinking bright red. It was probably time to give it a rest for the night, if only so her voice recorder could charge.
Having quickly tidied up her files and papers, Ava checked her email one last time. The alert she’d heard was a notification of a new email- weekly information about how many times StabCast had been downloaded and where. Numbers were still low as she scanned through the week, only 3 downloads and they were all in a small town in Iowa. Well, three downloads until yesterday. Then the number jumped up by 6, all from locations unable to be identified. Ava couldn’t stop the grin spreading across her face; the Legends might be idiots sometimes, but they were like family, and she knew they were responsible for her sudden increase in listeners.
____________________________
“Babe! The Legends all downloaded StabCast, and I know only half of them will end up listening, but they still tried. Plus that means my downloads went up by 200%! Maybe iTunes will finally start listing it above the creepy porn ones.” Ava started talking enthusiastically as soon as the doors opened to the room she and Sara shared. She kept rambling excitedly as she pulled on her sleep shirt and shorts, stopping when she didn’t hear a response from the Captain. Ava turned around, confused. Sara was sitting on the bed in one of Ava’s t-shirts, hair still damp from her shower and curling lightly around her face, with a faraway expression.
Ava made her way slowly over to the bed, sitting down softly, careful not to startle or disturb Sara.
“Sara?”
Sara blinked out of her trace at the sound of Ava’s voice, clearing the dazed look from her face. “Hmm?”
“I was talking when I came in, but you were a million miles away inside your head. Where’d you go?” Ava climbed into the bed next to Sara and turned to face her.
“Nowhere important.” Ava raised her eyebrows at Sara and gave her a look, but Sara rushed to continue, taking Ava’s hand and playing with her fingers. “What were you talking about?”
Ava settled back against the pillows and let Sara continue to play with her fingers as she spoke, a smile building despite her best efforts. “The Legends all downloaded StabCast. I know they probably won’t listen to it, but they made an effort, you know? I feel like they’re really starting to see me as part of the team, part of the family, and not just The Captain’s Girlfriend, and it means a lot.”
A soft smile grew across Sara’s face at her girlfriend. She knew Ava had been struggling with the transition from Time Bureau Director to member of the Legends, but she was proud of how well Ava was fitting in with the team and making them her own family.
“I know. That’s why I listened to it this afternoon.”
“Wait you did?! What did you think? Do I talk too fast? Is it weird how excited I get about some of the serial killers? I mean, I know plenty of people have true crime podcasts now so it’s not really that weird anymore to have one, but they’re usually focused on just the crimes, not the killers as well so it’s a bit different in that regard- why are you laughing?”
Sara had fought- not really very hard, her girlfriend was adorable, especially when she was nerding out- to keep the smile off her face and the laughter from bubbling up as Ava rambled, but she couldn’t help it. “You’re just so cute, baby. And I thought your voice was perfect for podcasts. I like listening to you talk.” Sara’s grin turned more predatory. “In fact, I could think of a way I’d like to hear you right now,” she murmured as she ran her fingers up Ava’s arm.
Ava smiled as her gaze followed Sara’s movements to where her fingers were slowly tracing patterns up and down her arm. “Sara what did you do to your hands?” Her voice rose in alarm, the seductive mood from seconds ago vanishing. “They’re all bloody and wrecked, babe. What happened?” Ava scanned Sara’s face in concern, grabbing Sara’s hands as Sara instinctively tried to pull them away while she averted her gaze.
“Sara? What happened?” Ava’s voice was softer and more hesitant, her concern showing clearly through.
The pause before Sara’s answer was ever so slightly too long to be anything but avoidance, and she knew Ava noticed as she met her eyes. “I went a little too hard against the punching bag in the gym. I just got caught up in my mind and didn’t even realize how long it had been until I looked down at my wraps and saw the blood. Really, Ava, it’s no big deal. It’s fine, I promise.”
Ava wanted to press further, to pull the truth out of Sara, but she knew that Sara would tell her when she was ready. Trying to get anything from her before she wanted to share it was an exercise in frustration for them both. So Ava nodded. She would be patient and wait for Sara to explain on her own time.
Lifting their joined hands, Ava pressed the faintest of kisses on Sara’s knuckles. “But you’re okay now?” She asked quietly.
Sara hesitated a fraction of a second. “Yeah, I’m fine now.”
___________________________________
In the dark of their bedroom, Sara couldn’t quiet the thoughts that had started forming when she was in the gym. Even settled with her back against Ava, Ava’s arms pulling her flush against her, her mind was screaming, a relentless tide of doubts and fears making themselves known in the inescapable dark.
Bloodlust.
Killer.
Monster.
Finally, Sara couldn’t take it anymore.
Ava’s breathing had quieted to a steady inhale and exhale against the back of her neck, and Sara took her chance, half hoping Ava is actually asleep.
“So, where am I ranked then?” Even though the question is whispered, she may as well have shouted it, the sound a stark contrast against the quiet of their bedroom.
“Hmm?” Ava stirred against her back, moving to better hear her.
“On your podcast. You know, how you ranked the top ten. I wasn’t in it, so where am I ranked?”
Sara was aiming for casual, conversational, nonchalant even, but she knew she hadn’t quite managed it with the way Ava tensed against her.
“I mean, clearly it wasn’t just a numbers thing or I would have been up higher. Your number 4 guy only killed 6 people but still cracked the top 5,” Sara tried to chuckle, but it came out strained and humorless, a precursor to a sob she refused to let out. “Notoriety then. Being League trained means I never left any evidence behind, so no one could ever pin anything on me, or more importantly on the League. But you knew. About all of it.”
Ava’s arm slid off her waist. Sara gasped at the feeling of cold air against her back as Ava moved away. Her whole body was shaking with the effort of keeping her emotions in check, but feeling Ava physically pull away from her, the very embodiment of her deepest insecurity, was more than Sara could take.
Sara sat up, reaching her arms in the space Ava had just occupied only to find air. She drew in ragged breaths, trying to remind herself to breathe over the growing panic clawing at her throat. But everytime she tried to breathe it came out as gasps, not letting in nearly enough air. The more she struggled, the harder it was to breathe against the continued onslaught of tears and panicked, shallow gasps.
Sara fought for a brief moment of calm in her mind, just that one second where she could focus on her breathing instead of the panic and bile rising in her throat. Finally, seconds or maybe an hour later, it happened.
Breathe in.
Breathe out.
Breathe in.
“Breathe out, just like that. Deep breaths baby.”
The voice was soft enough it took a moment to fully break through the fog in Sara’s mind, the words blending so seamlessly with her own thoughts at first she was partly convinced they were. But the gentle pressure of a hand on her chest- right at the base of her throat- and the feeling of a steady heartbeat under her palm grounded her just enough for her to focus her eyes.
Ava .
Sara stared in wonder and confusion as Ava continued to remind her to take slow, deep breaths. She couldn’t focus on anything else, could only listen in shock and follow Ava’s instructions to continue breathing.
“Good, yeah like that. Match your breathing to mine, babe.
“In.” Ava.
“And out.” Ava.
“And in.” Ava.
“ And out, you’re doing great.”
“Ava.” Sara breathed the name out so quietly she didn’t realize she had spoken until Ava paused, a soft smile on her face as she met Sara’s eyes.
“I’m right here, baby,” she replied softly, lightly rubbing her thumb across the back of Sara’s hand where it rested on her chest, right above the steady beat of her heart.
“You didn’t- I thought- You’re-“ Sara struggled to sort through her scrambled thoughts, still fighting the remnants of her fading panic attack for her mental clarity.
Ava sat patiently watching Sara and gave her hand a gentle squeeze in support. There was no pressure, no hurry for Sara to speak. Just support and shared strength in the soft look and light pressure of her hand on Sara’s chest.
Taking a deep, shuddering breath, Sara forced out the words she had been struggling to find. “You didn’t leave me. I felt you pull away and then you were gone. I thought you left. Thought you left me.” The words ripped a sob from her throat as she spoke.
Ava’s hand moved from its spot on Sara’s chest. Before she had a chance to miss it, it was cupping her face, thumb lightly tracing over her cheekbone. Sara sighed and leaned into it almost reflexively.
“I got up to turn on the light so we could talk. I didn’t mean to scare you- I didn’t realize you would think I was leaving. Oh Sara,” Ava gathered Sara in her arms and pulled her close. Sara relaxed against her, tucking her head into the crook of Ava’s neck. She felt a soft kiss pressed against the top of her head and the ghost of a smile formed on her lips. “I’m not going anywhere, baby. I’m here.”
Minutes passed as the women sat embracing each other. Finally, Ava felt Sara’s breathing even out and she pulled away slightly to see her face.
Sara chuckled weakly, wiping away the last tears that tracked down her face and refusing to meet Ava’s eyes. “Well that was embarrassing… maybe that’s why I didn’t earn a spot, huh? Having a breakdown over your girlfriend getting out of bed to turn on the light when you’re not expecting it...too emotional or vulnerable or whatever.” Sara tried to shrug out of Ava’s arms, but only felt them tighten slightly in response.
“Sara.” Ava’s voice was soft but insistent.
“Sara, look at me please.” Ava moved to catch Sara’s eyes, but Sara steadfastly refused.
“Ava. Please, don’t.” Sara’s voice was barely a whisper, but it was enough to prompt Ava to continue.
“My love, why would you think I would put you in a ranking with the serial killers on my podcast?”
Sara’s voice was still soft, but steadier now as she answered. “You’ve read my file. You said it yourself, you practically memorized it before we met. All the things I’ve done? The people I killed, the blood on my hands? Where else can you group me but with people just like me?”
“Oh, Sara.” Understanding crashed over Ava like a wave. Of course she would consider herself in the same vein as serial killers. Ava was ashamed it had taken her this long to realize it, that it had taken her girlfriend literally breaking down in front of her and in her arms, to reach the conclusion that should have been so obvious from the start.
“Babe, you’re not one of them. You’ve been a vigilante, a mercenary, even an assassin, yes. But you have never -” Ava put as much strength and conviction into the word as she possessed. “-been a serial killer. Do you hear me? They’re different definitions, different psychologies, different motives.” Sara scoffed a little, and Ava changed direction.
“You said I was essentially an expert on your file. I poured over it, memorizing everything as if it were the key to succeeding in the Bureau by just doing the opposite. I know your history, including what you’ve done in the past.”
“Okay Aves, we all know baby agent you had the hots for me. It’s totally fine babe, you can admit it now. It’s only moderately embarrassing for you,” she smirked.
Ava just smiled and rolled her eyes. Sara teasing her about the way she acted before they got together was a sure sign she was starting to feel better. Ava kept pressing on.
“I’m also the one with the podcast all about serial killers who does near obsessive research on each one, both for the episodes and just because I think it’s interesting. So I’m basically the closest thing to an authority on both subjects that exists.
“And I am telling you, without any doubt or hesitation, that you, Sara Lance, are nothing like them. And I will remind you of that as many times as you need, whenever you need.” Finishing her speech, Ava kissed Sara’s forehead. She lingered for a few seconds before pulling back to look at her girlfriend.
Unshed tears threatened to fall, but Sara’s eyes were clear and bright as she looked back at Ava. The longstanding insecurity wasn’t that easily dismantled, but the fear and doubt had settled to a quiet corner in the back of her mind. “You mean it? Even-”
“Every word. No conditions, no exceptions.” Ava interrupted before Sara could finish, desperate to make sure she was understood.
Sara nodded to herself, a small smile forming. “I don’t know how much of that I believe yet, but I trust you Ava. Completely.” The two women moved to that they were settled against the pillows, Sara leaning comfortably with her head against Ava’s chest.
“God, I don’t know what I ever did to deserve you, but I’m going to try and keep being someone you can proudly call your girlfriend.” She tightened her arms around Ava’s waist, content and mind finally at peace.
“I always have been, my love.”
Sara wasn’t sure how long they stayed like that, a comfortable silence surrounding them, when Ava spoke again. “Hey Sara?”
“Hmm?”
“I know I was excited about the team downloading and listening to StabCast, but…. If it’s… I mean, you can if you want to, but I know serial killers were never your thing anyway, so….”
“So you’re saying I shouldn’t listen to your murder podcast anymore?”
“Only if you don’t want to!! Just that you shouldn’t feel obligated to just for me. I didn’t think about how it might affect you, listening to all that, when I pulled the guilt card on the team. I must have come on too strong for all of them to go out and download it…”
“Nooo, baby I think you hit them with just the right amount of guilt,” Sara responded, fighting back her laughter. “Besides, it’s good for them to do things to be supportive. It’s what family does.
“And how about, I listen when I want to, but I just promise not to binge all the episodes again like today?” She craned her neck up to see Ava nodding in agreement.
“Besides, like I said earlier, I can think of other ways I like to hear your voice…”