Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Gaara truly struggles with emotions, even now, but he can understand hate - more than he cares to admit - and love - to some extent - and guilt, anger and amusement. He understands the basics but, well, panic is an emotion he has experienced sparsely in his life - even when he was carted off by the Akatsuki in his younger years he wasn’t panicked, more so shocked, and Gaara had found he had accepted his death in those final moments, content with saving his people as best he could.

But this type of panic was entirely new, an unwanted panic. Shinki hadn’t been seen all day, hadn’t came home in the late hours of the evening and, as midnight rolled in, Gaara and Kankuro had begun ripping apart the city - every ANBU not on duty was combing the city streets and outskirts of the village.

Right now Gaara was pacing back and forth in his office, hands crossed over his chest in his usual fashion as he mentally checked off all the scouted areas. He felt overwhelmed, angry and ready to break. His son meant everything to him, his entire world was Shinki - whether he said it out loud or not.

Their relationship had started off shaky, neither knowing where, when or how to communicate too well. Shinki had grown up in the orphanage in Suna - an orphanage Gaara had drastically improved since his coronation - and the young man who had taken it over had said Shinki was shy, reserved but respectful. When he opened up he was an array of hobbies and interests. And that he was, he enjoyed drawing and puppet designing (much to Kankuro’s delight) and, though he furiously denied it, he enjoyed cloud gazing in Konoha with his cousin when he was there. To Gaara’s mutual delight it turned out Shinki enjoyed puzzles and sculpting too but, one glimpse at the boys exterior and that would be the last thing you’d expect.

Gaara had developed a soft spot for him upon their first meeting, he saw much of himself in him - before the killing sprees and nightmares, beatings and tears. He saw curiosity stilled by formality, hobbies hidden to not show weakness, to not give him a personality. He saw Shinki’s potential, he saw his abilities if someone was to believe in him, and that was what Gaara had done, what he still is doing.

“Gaara..? Gaara, listen to me.” Kankuro shook Gaara gently as the Kazekage stopped pacing, facing Kankuro’s dishevelled and tired face. Gaara himself didn’t look nor feel much better, his ringed eyes only seemed to be getting bolder.

“Have you found him?” Gaara’s voice was hoarse, overuse from spouting orders to find his son, overuse from mumbling to himself as he scoured uncharted land.

Kankuro looked hesitant and Gaara feared the worst, his stomach churning uncomfortably.

“Yeah,, He’s safe.” Kankuro quickly said, as relieved as Gaara to finally say that.

Kankuro had never seen Gaara cry, not that he could remember anyways, but he reckoned today was the closest thing he’d ever seen to an emotional break down on his brothers behalf. It was still a somewhat of a surprise to see the weight of parenthood bare down on Gaara so much. Kankuro had never had kids and he never planned to, being a ‘wicked uncle’ was more than enough for him. Being a single father and the Kazekage? It couldn’t be easy and Kankuro had to remind himself of that.

“The ANBU that found him escorted him here but he ran off to his room, he’s refusing to come out.” Kankuro said, wanting to console his brother in a hug but hoping that those words would be comfort enough; hugging wasn’t really a thing amongst their family.

Gaara swallows sharply and nodded, he thanked Kankuro swiftly and sped off out of his office and down the corridors to where he knew Shinki’s room was. The halls were dark and he heard his own steps as he walked quicker and quicker, when he saw his sons door there was an ANBU stationed outside - as soon as she saw Gaara, and he nodded thankfully, she disappeared.

It was a light sound at first, a gentle knock on his sons door to not startle him but when Gaara received no reply he knocked harder, panic setting in again. A small voice called to him but Gaara had to strain to hear it, ‘go away’.

Well, it wasn’t the warm welcome Gaara was expecting but Gaara’s life wasn’t filled with warm welcomes. Still, it hurt. Like a swift blow to his chest. He hasn’t expected those words to cut him so deeply.

“Shinki, open this door immediately.” Gaara sounded calm, like he always did but he was getting more and more desperate to see his son, to make sure it really was him. That he was safe and okay and home.

“No.” It was barely audible and Gaara caught the sound of sniffling and forced breaths. The same intense panic that had followed him like a shadow all day long was twisting and raising inside him, alive like a tempest of sand.

“Shinki No Sabaku as your father I demand you open this door right now, you will talk to me and you will do it before I lose my patience.” The frustration, desperation, anxiety was leaking through every syllable and Gaara waited. He went to open his mouth again, to spout more demands but the hushed click of the door unlocking was heard. Shinki never opened it more than that, only left it unlocked and walked back over to his bed, facing away from the door and his father.

The Kazekage slipped in, very quietly and walked to his son who faced the wall, confused and worried. He placed a hand on his shoulder and Shinki remained tense, shoulders slumped down but stiff as a board.

“Son.” Gaara turned Shinki’s shoulder making him face him, Shinki’s eyes were puffy and red, his lips cut in some places with teeth marks dug into them and he was noticeably shaking, avoiding Gaara’s eyes in every possible way. ”Where have you been? What happened?”

“I-” His voice was hoarse, strained and cracking. Shinki honest to God tried to speak, to get one word out but he could only feel the cold winds of the desert wash over him. His eyes were tired, painful and puffy, his hands clutching around a necklace Gaara had gave him years ago - a locket of himself, uncle Kankuro, aunt Temari and his dad, smiling.

He was drained, emotionally and physically and Gaara could see, he knew the feeling all too well of just being tired constantly. Of being terrified of something all of the time, Gaara had no idea what Shinki could be scared of - and the first fleeting thought in his head was himself - but he embraced his son tightly. His head slowly sunk into Shinki’s hair blowing uneven breaths across his scalp, his arms gently shook and Shinki buried his head into his dad arms - struggling to focus on anything but knowing he was safe, finally home and safe.

“I… was worried.” His words come out strained, voice rough and surprisingly uneven. “ I thought the worst, I thought I was never going to see you again. I’ve had Kankuro running around half of Suna, I’ve tore up every street and alleyway and Temari is on her way here as we speak. She… We were all so worried, Shinki.”

“I’m sorry.” It was quiet, barely audible over the strained sobs and cracked sniffles, a warm and wet liquid running down priceless Kage robes - and Gaara didn’t care. He didn’t care one bit because his world, his boy, was safe.

“We will speak tomorrow, and you will tell me why you decided to run off without any warning... And you are in trouble, don’t let yourself think otherwise.” The redhead gives a final squeeze, tight and restricting but comforting and Shinki nods, pulling back and wiping the remnants of tears from his face. “But for now, rest.”

Shinki, though he didn’t say it, thanked his dad with a nod and a small, wobbly smile. He was glad Gaara knew what it was like to be so tired, so unhappy because it meant he knew when to push and when to not, when to let Shinki breath.

Gaara rose with a type of shaking elegance, lingering in the door frame and turning off Shinki’s light. He turned over his shoulder, eyes soft but face steely; “It’s… a relief to have you home and safe, son. I-” He couldn’t quite say it, not because he didn’t love his son but because the words still just felt painful in his throat… “-hope you can sleep well. Goodnight.” And with that, Gaara swept out of the room and closed the door, the gentle click of Gaara’s feet against the tile was the only familiar sounding echoing in Shinki’s ears.

Chapter Text

Kankuro was waiting anxiously in the living room, tapping his fingers mercilessly against his arm and listening to the incessant beating of the clock. He really never understood kids - even when he was one - but Shinki was something else, for a thirteen year old protege that would constantly be trying to break out from his father's shadow Shinki was calm, cool and collected most of the time - if not a bit excitable but that was normal for any kid - and now out of the blue he runs away? Yeah, Kankuro confirmed, I really don’t understand kids.

Gaara and him always had this… Professional air about each other, not quite knowing when to break the role of Kazekage and Chunin over father and son but Kankuro would say they had a pretty decent balance already, Gaara had adjusted to parenthood just like Kankuro had expected - awfully - but with Temari and Shikamaru’s help (and admittedly Naruto’s, because when it came to Gaara when wasn’t the blonde involved) Gaara had learnt to adapt. Being a parent was about support, being strong, never showing a weakness unless necessary, unless it was important like today. Gaara had described it as like being a leader of a team, stating something along the lines of ‘taking up the leading role but allowing your team freedom, giving up the comfort you know in taking charge by trusting your team to make the right decisions and them trusting you to do the same, even if they don’t agree with your choices all the time’ and it was oddly fitting for Gaara, such a strangely appropriate metaphor.

He shifts, lingering at the family portrait on the wall - stopping his tapping only to squint at the brittle paint. It was probably painted when Kankuro was what? 14? He hardly remembered that far back now but even in the painting you could see the tenseness in all of their shoulders as Gaara stood by his family's side. To think how far he’d come, it made Kankuro proud but he felt he had no right to that feeling, he had hardly helped.

The sound of footsteps echoing down the hall caught Kankuro’s attention but he didn’t move, still staring at the scowl painted on his father's face. The wind outside banged against the windows, shutters smashing against the side of the building and sand whipping up outside the doors - the night sky was a thin veil that held Kankuro and Gaara in a seemingly everlasting grip of exhaustion.

“Is he okay?” Kankuro asks, the figure beside him simply clasps his hands behind his back and joins in silent critique of the painting.

“Physically, yes.” Gaara speaks. Kankuro expected him to falter after such a stressful day. But Gaara simply stayed rigid, eyes fixed on his father as well. “But there is,,, something wrong, he just is not ready to tell me about it yet. He will be ready by tomorrow, I suspect.” He blinks, closing his eyes for a moment. “...I hope.”

Kankuro eyes his brother from the side, cursing the tenseness in his shoulders and forcing himself to relax. He thought he’d gotten past this years ago. He goes to speak, say anything in an attempt to console his brother but Gaara beats him to it.

“Do you think father would have liked him?” Gaara asks and Kankuro swallows, wanting to be truthful.

“...No. I mean,, Shinki is a great kid but,,, he didn’t really like anyone, did he.” It wasn’t a question because there was no uncertainty around it, Kankuro looks to the side nervously and he's a little thrown to see Gaara wearing a small smile.

“Yes. That is very true.” Gaara turns abruptly to Kankuro, looking away from the painting. “When I took Shinki in,,, I swore to myself I would not be like him. Distant. Hurtful. I know I had no guide how to parent through second hand experience but I figured,, If I did the opposite of him, I would have a good enough idea and yet-” He sentence hangs loose, his lips pressing themselves thin and Gaara’s adams apple bobbing painfully in his throat.

Kankuro is, admittedly, a little startled. He knew Gaara wouldn’t cry, even if he looked on the verge of it, because he had seen Gaara quite literally die and not shed a tear - yet he had never seen Gaara quite so upset. He stumbles with his hands, placing one on Gaara's shoulder and hesitantly drawing him into a hug. They didn’t,,, do this. They didn’t hug, they didn’t get upset, they didn’t talk about how they felt and that invitation extended itself not only to the sand trio but to the majority of Suna - they were considered a tough and rough village and a reputation like that wasn’t built on tears.

“You’re not him, Gaara.” Kankuro speaks with confidence, hugging his younger brother tighter as Gaara takes a surprised breath, forcing himself to relax into the hug. “You’ll never be him. You love Shinki, if you didn’t we wouldn’t even be having his conversation.”

“He looked scared when we spoke.” Gaara states, pulling back from the hug and looking at the floor, his aged hands shaking and whether it was from the cold of Suna’s night or his rattling nerves he had no idea. “He looked like he thought I was going to hurt him. While he deserves a scolding for running away like that, I would never raise a hand to him. Not like-...”

“And I believe you.” Kankuro speaks, his eyes flickering to his bastard of a father. What had he done to his brother. What had he done to their family. “He’s a kid, there's probably something on his mind and he probably thinks it's the end of the world. He might have broken something in the storage room, or listened in on one of your meetings and,, he probably thinks you’ll hate him because kids are irrational. That doesn’t mean you will, and I know that and you know that. And,, I’m sure he knows that as well.”

“But father-” Gaara starts and Kankuro snaps, his voice raising as he replies.

“Gaara! You’re not him!”

“You don’t know that!” It makes him feel sick, hearing the words come out of his mouth, feeling the way the sand swirls around Kankuro’s foot and watching his brother, someone he loved so deeply, tense and breath quicken. He can’t look at it, can’t acknowledge the terror he can still instil in Kankuro so he looks towards the painting instead, seeing himself reflected in his father's painted eyes. “...You don’t know that.”

Chapter Text

Shinki had spent the whole morning quiet, even when his Uncle had joined him for breakfast he’d been unusually silent. Kankuro had tried to go about his morning like nothing had changed, talking about his missions to his nephew absentmindedly - most likely spilling information the boy very much wasn’t meant to know - but it was obvious things had changed, Shinki didn’t ask any questions like he usually did and he barely acknowledged his uncles words.

“,,,Do you know when,, when Kazekage-sama will be-” Shinki mumbles, pushing his food away and looking at the table.

“Just call him dad, Shinki.” Kankuro interrupts, shovelling his breakfast into his mouth and speaking between mouthfuls.

“Oh,, uh.” Shinki starts over, his eyes flickering to his uncle only for a moment. ”Do you know when dad will be finished with his meeting?”

“He should have finished it about 20 minutes ago, so hopefully any time now. I can’t be sure though, the Raikage’s representative likes to ramble.” Kankuro comments, proceeding to then ramble about how the man had once pinned Kankuro and Gaara in a meeting for two hours longer than necessary because he insisted on finishing his story - a small sliver of a smile ghosted over Shinki’s face, and while it didn’t stay it was enough to make Kankuro feel confident the boy would be back to normal with time.

“And one time, he even insisted on taking your dad out for dinner. You should have seen the grimace on Gaara's face, it was hilarious-” Kankuro continues with an amused smile, hearing the footsteps echoing down the corridor and knowing full well he was about to get reprimanded.

“Kankuro, that is enough. Taro is nothing but polite when he visits.” Gaara lingers in the hallway, Kage robe folded tidily over his arm and his hat held firmly in his hand. He looks to Kankuro, their conversation last night still fresh in his mind and though neither speak or give anything away, both brothers can feel the apology pass between them.

“Yeah,, and talkative.” Kankuro mumbles, seeing the small smile on Shinki’s face and feeling satisfied once again. He looked between his brother and his nephew, going to stand to allow the two to talk but Shinki held up his hand.

“No,, Uncle Kankuro. I'd like you here too,,, please.” His voice is small and Kankuro is taken by surprise as he adjusts himself in his seat to regain comfort - he can only mumble an ‘sure’ in response.

Gaara takes a seat at the table, joining his small family and making sure to turn towards his son in waiting. There's quiet for a while but for Shinki it feels like eternity, like the longer the silence is lingering the more it is pushing out all the confidence he’d been able to muster - he can feel the shake of his hands and the drastic beat of his heart, the sweat on the back of his neck felt strangling as he took a breath, readying his rehearsed words.

“I’m sorry about,, about yesterday.” However rehearsed they may be didn't stop the slight stumble coming from his mouth.

“You should be, you really worried us.” Kankuro nods in agreement with Gaara’s statement, his eyes now also focused on the boy. He could see the nervous twitch running through Shinki like it was chakra, the cautious flicker of his eyes. Kankuro began to feel nervous himself, not because the feeling was contagious but because Kankuro was worried Gaara was thinking he was the one to cause this behaviour in his son.

“Why did you,, yaknow, run away?” Kankuro manages, throwing aside his thoughts in lieu of the more pressing matter.

“Well,, I,,,” He gives a pregnant pause and the brothers sit in silence, allowing him to gather his words. “There’s this,, person. And Kami, I-” He pauses again though for not as long, Shinki lights up, a very small smile on his face. “When we’re together I feel so,, so happy. It’s,, It’s like nothing I’ve ever felt before. It’s,, like I want each of us to smile at each other like,, like Aunt Temari smiles at Uncle Shika.” His voice fades, his cheeks turning the colour of his father's hair.

‘I totally called it, it’s a girl problem.’ Is all Kankuro can think as he wears a small smile of satisfaction on the inside.

“There’s nothing wrong with having a crush, Shinki.” Gaara speaks, surprising both Kankuro and his son. His voice is a little strained and it's not hard to place why. He’d never had a crush, at least not one he could remember. Gaara knows love, now, as he loves his friends and his family with all his heart, he loves his village and it’s people with his soul but romantic love, intimate love, was another story. And he knows that as much as Kankuro presents himself to be drowning in women, he too had limited knowledge of true romance - where was Temari when you needed her? “You’re at such a tender age, you will be going through some,, changes and-”

“Gaara, he’s not here for you to tell him about puberty.” Kankuro interrupts quickly and Gaara looks as relieved as Shinki to avoid that talk, the whole table sharing a small laugh though the atmosphere is gone as quickly as it came. “So,, you ran away coz what? She rejected you?”

Shinki cringes, visibly, though only he can place exactly why “No… It’s not like that-.”

“So,, you have a girlfriend now?” Gaara interrupts, his eyes wide in shock. Dear Kami, he’d have to meet her parents, have them over for dinner, he prayed that they wouldn’t hold resentment for his son because of him, what if he said the wrong thing to them and-

As Gaara’s thoughts began to spiral he is calmed by Shinki’s shake of his head. “Uh,, also no. Definitely not, no.”

Kankuro and Gaara look to each other then stare at Shinki confused and Shinki knows it, he knows that through his vague suggestions and simple answers they wouldn’t magically understand - but that didn’t mean he didn’t wish that they did. He wanted to tell them, he had wanted to for a while, but it was causing his stomach to twist in on itself and his throat to burn. He wanted to throw up. He wished to bury himself in the deepest sandhole in Suna and never return, but he had tried that and it very clearly hadn’t worked.

“What I’m,, I’m saying is, well, there’s really no way a girl could reject me,, ever. Because I-” He swallows, looking to his uncle, to his dad and to his lap. “-I’d never ask a girl out. Ever.”

“Son, you may think that now but with time your confidence will grow-” Gaara chimes in gently, trying his best to relate though it was very obvious to his son and his brother that he just couldn’t. “I’m sure you will manage to ask this girl on a date eventually, everything improves with time.”

Shinki gives a small, sad smile but shakes his head. Running his hands over his face this time and trying to cover the tears that had slipped out, they couldn’t understand. No one could, because no one was like him. He was different from everyone else, wrong compared to everyone else.

“T-That’s not what I’m-” He breaks the sentence with an intake in breath, a sob bursting from his throat and a trickle of tears bellowing down his puffed up cheeks. “That’s not what I’m trying to say!”

“...Then tell us what you are trying to say, Shinki.” Kankuro replies, his aura calm. Gaara’s temperament rarely changed in life, even during the war, he looked forever emotionless but as Kankuro saw the gentle tremble in his brother's hand as he extended a tissue to his son, he can entirely deny that presumption.

“Well,, I’m- shit-” Gaara wants to scold him but stops himself, taking his sons hand and giving it a gentle squeeze. A silent sign that he was here, he wasn’t going anywhere.

“It’s not,, it’s not a girl” He uses his free hand to rub away the tears, blowing his nose in the tissue and looking at his family with a quivering lip. “It’s not a girl because I’m,,, I think I’m gay.”

Gaara and Kankuro are stunned into silence, a moment passes by them all and Shinki looks down to his lap again, the tears now falling onto his pants.

“I’m sorry…” He manages to squeak out before ripping his hand away from his dad’s grasp and pushing away from the table. He sprints down the hall, stray tears leaving behind a trail of his movements.

Gaara calls out after him, shouting for his son to come back but it falls on deaf ears. He goes to chase after him, to say something but Kankuro grabs his brother’s wrist.

“No, give him some time. Let's talk.” And all he can do is nod, not knowing what he would even say if he had got Shinki back here.

Chapter Text

Gaara leaned back in his seat, re-reading some manuscripts in his office as the early morning Suna sun seeped in through his windows. Shinki had told them a few days ago and he’d spent nearly every night with his brother talking about him, they stayed up until morning simply discussing his son and his new revelation. It was a surprise, no doubt, Gaara had never heard Shinki mention anyone romantically, nevermind a boy and again he had tried desperately to understand the want and need to be with another but it just couldn’t click in his head.

He wasn’t an idiot, he knew about sex and love and romance but that didn’t mean he could see himself partaking in anything like that, he couldn’t see himself kissing another or having sex. It was a foreign, uncomfortable concept to him. So he’d had Kankuro there to support him through all his confusion. At the end of the night, when Gaara had forced his brother off to bed, Gaara had had time to mull over his thoughts and plan out what he wanted to say to his son. But he still he didn’t even know how to broach the topic - or if Shinki even wanted him to.

Gaara had raised Shinki since he was young, he didn’t care who his son dated or was interested in as long as he was happy, but Suna was an unforgiving place - even with the improvements he’d made over the years. He’d spent the night with his brother also combing over the Suna laws around homosexuality. He wasn’t a proud leader to say where his country had made one step forward it had made two steps back. Acceptance and equality - while enforced in the Shinobi ranks of gender and ability - lacked elsewhere, especially within the civilian folk.

Gaara places down his book, rubbing at his eyes as he hears a loud knock, loud enough to shake the Kage out of his thoughts.

“Come in.” He calls. The door creaks open and Gaara spots a familiar face, one that causes his mouth to quirk up in a surprised smile. “Temari? I hadn’t known you would be here so soon.”

“Well, when Kankuro wrote to me about Shinki going missing I left as soon as I could.” She smiles a little sadly, closing the door behind her. “Plus, I've been feeling homesick lately... Suna is looking far better everyday, even the shanty district beside the south wall is coming along.”

Temari, though now far more of a woman that Gaara had ever seen her, still had the air of a protective older sister - making sure to compliment her younger brother's achievements. Gaara couldn’t help but grace her with a dismissive and embarrassed wave of his hand.

“I figured putting resources towards the less affluent areas in this time of peace will do our village some good.” Gaara comments, offering his hand towards a seat which Temari gladly took.

Both siblings looked tired, Temari most likely from her travel and Gaara from his endless thoughts running amuck. They make idle conversation though, Gaara asking after Naruto's health and Shikamaru's newly appointment promotion to the Hokage's firsthand adviser, Temari enquiring about the weapons division and how they were doing without her and if Kankuro had been behaving - "When does he ever?" Had been Gaara's lighthearted response. It was pleasant and Gaara realised just how much he truly missed his sisters presence.

“Have you been told?” He asks, and air of seriousness overtook them both as the small talk dwindled out.

Temari nods. “That he was found? Yeah, the patrol officers told me at the edge of the Desert.” Gaara only shakes his head in response.

“No, not that. Though it was a relief to have him back. He ran away because-” He hesitated, not sure how to phrase it. “Well, I believe it was because he came out to myself and Kankuro as gay and he was,, worried we would not accept him.”

Gaara was, admittedly, a little worried to see how his sister would react and while Temari was obviously surprised, mumbling an ‘oh...’, she smiled.

“And do you? Accept him?” Her voice was so gentle, so unlike her usual temper that it was almost a little startling.

“Of course I do.” Gaara answers without a moment of hesitation, sitting up a bit straighter in his chair. “Shinki is my son, nothing is going to change that. I just worry encase,, he is unsure. What if this is just a temporary feeling? I don’t want him to be branded with a label he will later regret. And what about the academy? He already struggles making friends because I am his father, no one wants to get too close in case he runs crying to me. I want what's best for him.”

Temari seems to mull over her thoughts, laughing shallowly as she can see the worry bearing down on her brother. “Don’t all parents? We want to keep them safe but sometimes they need to learn on their own. Gaara, I can’t say I’ve ever been in the position you’re in but if you want my advice, talk to him. I’m sure he knows that Suna isn’t the kindest and right now he probably just wants the support of his dad.”

“How do I support him when I know nothing of what he’s going through?” Gaara’s voice sounded so strained and stiff, had Temari not known any better she would have expected to see him in tears.

As she goes to open her mouth and offer some words of advice she stops herself, unsure of what even to say. Shinki was a delight, a little quiet and strange at times, but she loved him with all her heart - basically adopting him into her family when Gaara and Kankuro came to Konoha for visits. He’d confided in her several times that he worried Gaara didn’t love him and each time Temari had dashed that doubt with stories of Gaara boasting of Shinki’s achievements and development; none of which were lies.

“I think,,, give him time to come to you and talk-” She says, gently but Gaara cuts her off before she can continue.

“Everyone keeps telling me to give him time. Time didn’t help me, time made me hate our father!” He can’t help but snap, Gaara was a patient man but when it came to his family he didn’t want to wait until things fixed themselves, he wanted to be useful. “...I don’t want him,, I don’t want him hating me.”

---

Shinki nervously paced his room, he’d begged Yodo to hang out but she’d told him she was too busy with ‘girl stuff’ and it had only knocked his confidence more, he’d came out to her around a week ago and she’d asked some pretty awkward questions-

“Oh you like boys huh? You look like the sort. So are you the top or the bottom?"

But overall she’d been supportive, even going as far as to calm him down before coming out to his best friend - Araya, who had also been supportive, if not his usual silent, stoic self. It was obvious that for a few days his friends had been avoiding him, not knowing how to act but after being sent on a low ranking mission and having to work together he told them nothing had changed, he was still him, and things began to slowly return to normal.

But, back to the pacing. He’d decided on locking himself in his room after his tears the other night, he would say he was avoiding his father but he hadn’t even seen his dad enough to avoid him - it seemed he’d buried himself in his work and the notion that it was to hide from his disappointment of a son nagged at Shinki until it drove him to tears.

He’d tried to pluck up the courage to go and speak to him again, maybe ask for a mission, and as he dragged his feet around the Kazekage residence - towards his office - he knew that coming out was going to feel like nothing compared to facing his father's disapproval.

He let his feet drag along the stone until he faced the office door, going to knock but stopping when he heard voices inside. They were muffled but he could make out his fathers, having listened in on enough (totally not confidential) meetings, and the other was a woman, certainly familiar? Maybe it was Aunt Temari? He remembered that his dad had mentioned she was on her way here awhile ago.

Shinki pushes his ear to the door, the tears welling up before he even properly knows what he is hearing.

“...I don’t want him.” It hurt. So much.

Shinki did what he had learned to do best over the last week. He ran away, as fast and as far as his feet would take him.

Chapter Text

Shinki knocked quietly on the door, seeing it swing open and almost reeling in surprise. He hadn’t even realised where he’d ran to, it had seemed like second nature. Araya secures his mask before opening the door fully, inviting Shinki inside without a word to which he takes, rubbing the remnants of tears from his eyes.

“Are you ok-” Araya starts, though his sentence is snatched from him before he can so much as close the door.

“Do I look okay to you?” Shinki snapped, his hands trembling in rhythm with his quivering lip, he brought his hands to cover his eyes as he could feel them begin to water again. “Damnit!-”

He felt stupid, running here. To a friend he wasn’t even sure wanted to see him, to a friend who had barely spoken a word to him in the last two days - not that that was entirely uncommon for Araya but, still. Shinki feels the hand on his shoulder and the mere touch makes his legs want to buckle, he had been on the edge of breaking since he’d told his family and only now - in the comfort of his best friend's home - can he bring himself to truly sob, despite feeling so stupid. Shinki pushes his palms into his eyes until the feeling begins to sting, sobbing loudly and trying to stay standing - Araya picks up the warning signs of his trembling and sits him at his dining table before he collapses.

“...Aren’t,, aren’t you g-gonna ask?” Shinki managed through tears and sniffles, thanking Araya as he took a tissue from him - wiping his tears and the remnants of his horridly smudged face paint.

“Not yet, no.”

Araya stays quiet after he speaks, just offering up another tissue as Shinki registers what he says and only cries harder, his hands going up to his hair and turning white from his grip. His whole body was shaking. Araya stares at his best friend, his team leader, his inspiration and can’t help but feel guilty. He truly wanted to help, he wanted to soothe whatever worries Shinki had but he couldn’t do more than offer up his support. He places his hands overtop Shinki’s and gently tugs them away from his hair, keeping hold of them as Shinki remembers how to breathe steadily, both of the boys eyes fixated on their hands held firmly by the other.

Shinki counts in his up head, giving himself something to focus on and something to even out his breathing. He feels his head begin to clear, albeit slowly. They sit like that in silence for maybe 10 minutes? Shinki couldn't be sure, time seemed to be ticking by far slow or far faster than he knew it to usually, it all depended on how terrible he was feeling that day - it seemed the world was out to get him. Still, even after Shinki’s breathing had smoothed out and Araya had removed his hands, he couldn’t bear to raise his head and meet Araya’s eyes - or,, well, mask.

“Shinki…” He tries again. “Are you okay?” His tone is ever stoic and a little awkward, it almost makes Shinki laugh. But not quite, not now. He was enjoying wellowing in his sadness.

The puppeteer takes a deep breath, not too sure if his voice was going to shake with the rest of his body but he was praying he didn’t sound as weak as he felt. “...My dad said,, he doesn’t want m-me.” He breaks out into another half cry, taking another of Araya’s tissues.

Araya knows a gasp of surprise was just too out of character for him, and the drowning silence he provided instead seems to speak volumes enough, after a long while he speaks. “Lord Kazekage,, said that to you?”

“Well, I heard him say it.” Shinki mumbles, explaining what had happened between sniffles and voice breaks to which Araya attentively listens, offering up a tissue or a drink.

“You know you shouldn’t eavesdrop on him.” Had Shinki not been Araya’s teammate and best friend for as long as he had, he may think he was getting scolded right now, but from his tone and slight tilt of head Shinki knew he meant it jokingly - now probably wasn't the best timing for it though.

“...Can we be serious?” Shinki mutters, not quite having the energy left to snap at him. He felt tired, drained from the endless crying and thinking and worrying.

“I am being serious, one day one of the ANBU is going to-”

“Araya!” Shinki raises his shaky voice as best he can and Araya stops, nodding and mumbling an apology. He moves quicker than Shinki can even comprehend, even if his eyes weren’t plagued with tears he doubted he’d be able to understand the feeling and the movement and the meaning. He can feel the warmth on his forehead and he hears the click of Araya’s mask being secured back into place.

He raises one of his hands to his forehead, shakily pressing his fingers to the warm patch of skin as if he wasn’t sure his forehead was real at all. He un-scruched his hands from the fists of frustration and terror he’d kept them bound in while he talked. Araya had kissed him, right there, as if it was nothing. He had kissed him as if Shinki barging into his house, snapping at him and crying into his arms wasn’t the most embarrassing and pathetic thing they had both seen him do. “Araya.. I-.. If this is some joke it’s,, It’s not funny.” His eyes had begun to water again, it felt like all he did was cry.

“No one could not want you, Shinki.” He started, his voice hadn’t changed. He was ever placid and toneless but the words caught Shinki’s attention entirely. ”You are an exceptional shinobi and an amazing friend, you have been there for me at my worst. It’s my turn now. My door will always be open if things get bad, but speak to him. Directly. No more eavesdropping, no more vague implications. Tell him you're you and that hasn’t and will never change, like you told me and Yodo. We love you, he does too...”

Shinki had shed too many tears in the span of five minutes to shed anymore today, but if he could he would. He blinks a few times, wiping the dampness from under his eyes and giving a little genuine smile before jumping towards his friend, his cheeks on fire. He enwraps Araya in a hug, burying his head in his shoulder and sniffling slightly. He mutters a thousand thank you’s, praising and thanking his friend in every way he could think. When he pulls back he isn’t sure what Araya is thinking but when his best friend just hugs him again, his worries are calmed.

“I don’t care, you know.” He mumbles, pressed against Shinki and enjoying this closeness. They never hugged often, but that just made it a bit more special when they did. “I was,, a little confused at first but, I don’t care you’re-”

“Don’t!” Shinki nearly shrieks, pulling back from the hug and releasing Araya like his touch burned, he looked at his friend with pleading eyes. “Don’t,,, please don’t say it.”

“...Why?” He can’t help but ask. Shinki was gay. He had told him and Yodo that himself and Araya had made peace with it. He didn’t care Shinki was gay, he didn’t care if Shinki ended up being straight. But Shinki had came to him and told him something so hard and personal himself, so why-

“I don’t,,, I dunno. I just,, there’s something about.. saying it that, I just,, I don’t think I’m ready. Not after the last time, I just want time to,, to wait to hear it outloud again, I think. Saying it,, makes it final and I just- I dunno. It is final, I am- yaknow. No discussion there but I just,, want time. I guess. Does that make sense? I don’t think it does- What I mean is-”

Araya tried calling Shinki’s names a couple of times to tell him to stop rambling, but Shinki was too engrossed in justifying what he meant to hear him, so Araya just let him talk away. Shinki always rambled, it almost made his friend laugh that so many people thought Shinki to be this calm, cool and collected figure head because it just,, wasn’t true. Shinki was a mess, even before all of this. He would shout when he lost at video games, he would ramble on to try and explain himself but just end up talking himself and others through loops and he would always find ways to stumble over himself, both in conversation and everyday life.

“Wanna train?” Araya asks absentmindedly, cutting Shinki off mid-sentence. He figured training could let Shinki blow off some steam, if not it would certainly help him release some of the tension from today - talking about feelings just isn’t easy on the joints.
Shinki looks taken aback, his eyes still slightly pink and puffy and face paint still lingering, smudged, on places on his face. But he smiles, really smiles - toothed grin and all - and nods.