Chapter Text
Seems like everyone else but me is happy
It hurts more to laugh than to cry
***
TXT > members > Hueningkai discussion thread page 45 of 46
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Yeonxbin: He needs to stop clinging to Soobin – it’s so annoying. Why can’t he just get that he’s annoying as fuck and no one wants to put up with his shit?
Jjunie-jun: No stage presence, awkward dancing, unreliable vocals… why was he even allowed to debut. The group would be better as four in my opinion. No offense.
jungsihyeon: Hueningkai? More like nugu?
gyugyu: @Yeonxbin urghhh I know right? Soobin’s always glaring at him, he needs to take a hint. I’m amazed at binnie’s patience, I would have bitch-slapped that kid so many times already
moarmy: @Yeonxbin especially the aegyo, it’s sooooo annoying and cringy. He looks so fake doing it too. And he’s always bothering the other members, I feel bad that they have to pretend to like him
multistan: @moarmy agree!! Is he trying to act ‘cute’ because he’s the maknae? But everyone can tell it’s just acting, he’s so unnatural and over-the-top… bleghh honestly nothing about him is cute
kpopmulti: @moarmy totally agree! He’s pretending to have all these cute quirks to sell the maknae image but his acting is so bad. Nothing about him is actually cute…
soobinny: I can’t believe he’s labeled as a visual, he’s so ugly. He looks like an alien or a robot or something. Gives me the creeps
SMt0wn: …so I’m not the only one who thinks he’s ugly…
“…ning-ie? Hueningie?” Kai jumps as he feels a hand upon his shoulder, and quickly puts down his phone. Taehyun looks at him worriedly. “Break is almost over. Are you feeling alright?”
Kai flashes a cheerful smile. “Of course I’m fine, just a bit tired. Dance practice today is more intense than usual,” he lies, absently rubbing at the sleeve of his hoodie.
(it’s soft and comfortable. bright, colourful. like he wishes he could be)
Taehyun’s gaze softens slightly. It’s been a few long weeks lately, which is to be expected with the rapidly-approaching comeback looming over the entire group. “Just a few more run-throughs and Soobin-hyung will probably call it a day. I think we did pretty well today, but we’ll have to check the videos of course.”
It is late enough that the dance instructor has already left, but the group has opted to stay for some individual practice on their own, relying on videotaping themselves to monitor their performance.
Kai nods and bites his lip, wondering if he has been holding the group back. He’s always been the one to make the most mistakes during practice and he knows it. The others must resent him for having to start over so many times because he forgot the move, or was in the wrong position, dragging their practices late into the night.
“Sorry Taehyunie, I’ll try not to mess up again,” he murmurs softly, almost inaudibly.
Taehyun looks slightly startled as if he isn’t sure if he has heard right, but before he can reply, Soobin signals for everyone to get back into position.
***
Despite promising Taehyun to try harder, Kai can’t seem to quiet his tumultuous thoughts.
He knows that all kpop idols get antis, he’s been warned by his mentors and seniors in the company. He knows he should stop reading, forget about the comments, and continue to work hard as a rookie idol. But somehow he keeps returning to the online forum, clicking through one page after another.
(it’s like his fingers are out of control. just like the rest of him)
Kai is glad that TXT has built a solid fanbase, despite the negative comments drawing comparisons to BTS. It hurts that they can never live up to expectations, but they’ve all prepared themselves for these comparisons, hardening their hearts in advance – and he should have been satisfied with that. Why is he always so selfish? Why can’t he just be happy with what he has?
It doesn’t matter what people say, right? It’s not true.
Kai dances mechanically, trying to focus on nothing but the next move. Did he misjudge his spacing? Perhaps he should be a bit closer to the right. He’s always slightly off in the video playbacks.
(maybe it is true. he knows he’s the worst dancer)
Kai jumps, but not quickly enough, and his feet land off-beat, off-sync, the noise much too loud on the wooden studio floor. It slices through the music like a mark of shame. The tips of his ears redden, and he scrambles ungracefully for the next position.
If that happens on stage, he thinks to himself, there would be an explosion of disparaging comments online. And he would deserve them.
“Let’s try that again,” Yeonjun announces as soon as the music stops. “Hyuka, on the second line of the chorus you need to get into position more quickly for the jump.”
“Yes, hyung,” Kai nods, and swallows past the lump in his throat. “I’ll get it right this time.”
Taehyun looks at him sharply, but Kai doesn’t look in his direction, focusing resolutely on his feet.
***
Once upon a time, there were five boys, with one dream. These boys were unknown to the world, but they imagined a day when their music would be heard across the globe. They trained hard, laughed together, learned to depend on each other. They became friends, brothers, soulmates.
The sky had felt like their blank canvas – they were ready to scrawl their own shining constellation.
Kai wonders if there’s any bit of that innocent dreamer left in him.
Sometimes – though he tries not to think about it – he wonders if he is letting everyone down. Sometimes he feels like a hideous stain marring the brightness of the other members. If they are the light, then he is the shadow, and he wishes he can hide himself away so he can remain unseen.
(sometimes he feels so tired he can barely breathe)
***
It is almost midnight when the members finally file out of the studio, exhausted and loose-limbed, to call a taxi back to the dorms.
“One more week until the comeback show, huh…” Yeonjun yawns, stretching out in the cramped space of the car and accidentally jabbing Soobin, who’s next to him. “Oops, sorry, Soobinnie.”
“I think we’re pretty much set,” Soobin says contemplatively. “At this point it’s mainly the dancing and live vocals that we need to rehearse, until it’s so familiar we can do it in our sleep.”
“There’s no room for error,” murmurs Beomgyu, frowning vaguely in concentration. “It needs to be perfect.” To win Rookie of the Year remains unsaid, but it hangs in the air between them all.
Kai shrinks back a little into his seat. “Hyung,” he whispers in a small voice to Beomgyu beside him, “are you mad at me?”
“Why would you think that?” Beomgyu turns to him, surprised.
“I keep messing things up for you guys,” Kai looks down, ashamed. “I’m sorry.”
Beomgyu hooks his arm through Kai’s reassuringly. “Don’t say that. We still have time. We all mess up sometimes, and I know you work hard.”
It’s not enough, Kai wants to say. But he doesn’t want to seem childish, like he’s looking for acknowledgement – or worse, pity. Instead, he nods and leans into Beomgyu’s side to surreptitiously soak up his warmth.
(he’s always so cold these days. the October chill seems to have settled into his very bones)
Yeonjun glances over his shoulder at the backseat. “Yah, what are you kids mumbling about,” he drawls languidly, and Beomgyu pouts in offense.
“Jjunie-hyung, I’m not a kid like these two! Include me in the hyung line, please!”
Kai giggles despite himself, and his chest feels lighter than it has in days. He doesn’t let go of Beomgyu’s arm for the rest of the ride.
***
TXT > members > Hueningkai discussion thread page 46 of 46
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hyunnie-oppa: Do people really think he’s the main vocal? Remember the hundreds of times his voice cracked on stage? I feel bad for the rest of TXT, he makes them look bad in front of everyone
stanTalent: @moarmy he’s such an attention-seeker it’s disgusting
Bighitman: @Jjunie-jun Lol let’s not pretend we don’t all know he’s just there for publicity reasons…. you know… being half-white and all
JYPtrainee: he should be grateful for his mixed blood, it’s the only way he got to debut despite having no talent whatsoever. Any publicity is good publicity, amiright?
swagYG: @soobinny Must be too much plastic surgery gone wrong, this is what happens when you’re too desperate
CrownOnMyHead: @soobinny Beomgyu is the actual visual and center, they only labelled hueningkai as the visual bc he has no other talent. His only real position is maknae, and even then Taehyunie is much cuter as maknae… Tbh they didn’t need him in the group at all…
Kai takes a shaky breath, presses at his phone blindly until the screen goes dark and the words disappear. But they keep ringing in his head, a cacophony of hate – are they true? After all, it’s always the truth that hurts the most.
It’s not true, he mouths to himself. But even his reflection in the dark phone screen looks unconvinced.
(it’s true – they don’t need him in the group at all)
He huddles deeper into his blanket, wraps it tightly around himself the way he was tucked in as a child. He already regrets reading through the rest of the comments before bed – but like always, he just can’t seem to tear his eyes away. It’s a bit like watching a train-wreck in slow motion.
“Hueningie, what are you doing?” Taehyun mumbles sleepily from the other bed. “Go to sleep, we’ve got dance practice again tomorrow.”
“Okay,” Kai whispers back and sinks fully into the bed. He hugs his dolphin plushie closer, shuts his eyes tightly until he sees stars drifting slowly behind his closed lids.
I’ll do better tomorrow, he promises silently. I’ll be better tomorrow.
***
Kai wakes with a gasp, disoriented and cold. There are no windows in the room he shares with Taehyun and Beomgyu, but it doesn’t seem like much time has passed since he fell into a restless sleep. He reaches blindly in the dark for his dolphin plushie for several moments before realizing it must have fallen to the floor at some point in his careless tossing and turning.
He sits up quietly, taking a moment to let his eyes adjust to the pitch-black darkness before carefully climbing down the top bunk. In the bottom bunk, Taehyun shifts a little but remains asleep.
Kai picks up his plushie from the floor and hugs it to his chest, fondly recalling his pre-debut birthday party where it was gifted to him by Soobin. It was only a little more than one year ago, but it feels like forever – so much has changed, so quickly. In a good way, of course, but Kai can’t help but feel nostalgic sometimes.
(back then, Soobin had always been the one to seek him out, to make him feel safe and wanted)
Suddenly, the plushie doesn’t seem enough – he’s awash with the desire for Soobin’s warm, comforting presence. His feet carry him halfway to Yeonjun and Soobin’s room before he even makes a conscious decision, following the familiar route that he has taken countless times in the past – whenever he couldn’t fall sleep or didn’t want to sleep alone.
‘He needs to stop clinging to Soobin – it’s so annoying.’ The thought tracks across his mind, unbidden, and a sudden wave of shame stops him in his tracks.
Soobin has never been bothered by it before, has he? He tries to reassure himself, but the doubt lingers. Maybe he is being too clingy. Maybe Soobin is just being patient with him, and he is too dumb to realize.
The hallway is so cold. Kai shivers, clutching instinctively at his thin nightshirt.
Maybe Yeonjun wouldn’t mind – he even seems to enjoy cuddling with him sometimes when Kai crawls into his bed late at night. Just one more night, then he’ll stop being such a baby, he thinks guiltily. He pushes the door open and timidly slips into the room, tiptoeing next to Yeonjun’s bed.
“Ne, hyung, are you asleep?” Kai whispers, peering at Yeonjun in the darkness.
Yeonjun gives a sleepy grunt without opening his eyes, but scoots obligingly to the far side of the bed to make space for him. A slow warmth unfurls in Kai’s chest.
“Thanks, Jjunie-hyung.” He crawls somewhat clumsily beneath the blanket and curls up close to Yeonjun, who proceeds to sloppily sling an arm around Kai’s waist. The weight of it is strangely comforting, and Kai sighs happily before closing his eyes and snuggling into the loose embrace.
(it is childish, maybe, but – in this moment, it feels like home)
***
I try to hold it in, I try to endure, every day
But it’s not easy, right now, I need your hand