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He knew they were joking, but it was hard to remember that sometimes. Especially when he’s given diet plan after diet plan as his body failed to meet the expectations. He knew he wasn’t actually fat but he also knew that he wasn’t as skinny as he’s supposed to be if he wants to succeed. He thinks his body would have been okay, acceptable, if his face had been better like Taeyong’s or Sicheng’s or maybe if he was taller like Johnny and Yukhei. But he wasn’t. And so, he had to lose weight.
He hadn’t thought he’d be all that affected at first. Sure, he had felt a bit offended when it was first brought up, but he could understand where the managers were coming from and he wanted to debut so badly that cutting carbs out of his diet hadn’t felt like that heavy of a price. He knew the others had to do it as well. But then it didn’t quite work, he still had slightly chubby cheeks and a little bit of pudge on his stomach, and it felt like he was failing.
The managers decided to be stricter with him, cutting down his portions further. But still, he wasn’t losing weight. They accused him of slacking off and eating stuff he wasn’t allowed to, and as motivation - punishment - they told him they’d do weekly weigh ins for him. He thinks that’s when it started to become an obsession.
It became less and less about being able to debut and more about seeing the numbers go down. And then both happened and he couldn’t even bring himself to be happy about it. He smiled and bowed and said his thanks but he wasn’t even debuting properly and as he stared at himself in the bathroom mirror all he could think about was that it was his cheeks fault for keeping him from succeeding.
He started working harder, ate less. And then, eventually WayV became a thing and he was debuting for real. Taeyong had congratulated him on getting the position of leader, giving him a warm hug, telling him he deserved it but all Kun had been able to think about was how skinny the older was. How he had debuted before him because of it.
He felt guilty about it, discrediting all the hard work Taeyong had put in like that but he couldn’t help believing it.
He complains a lot about the way the others call him a mom but he tries to take pride in it, that he’s caring and kind, and moreover, it makes the others laugh. He can’t hide how much he likes that sound no matter how much he whines and grumbles. But he’s ruined that for himself now because he uses it to hide what’s going on and it feels shameful even though it’s for a good reason.
They thank him each time he cooks for them and when they ask why he doesn’t eat, he simply says he ate while cooking and ignores the spike of pain when they call him fat for not being able to wait. Sometimes he thinks Ten might know what’s going on when he asks him to eat with them anyways and he hates how it makes him feel. He should be grateful for the display of care, but the anxiety over his weigh-ins just makes him angry with the younger instead.
He’s glad that Ten and Yukhei were picked to join SuperM, not only because they deserve it, but also because it means he doesn’t have to worry about snapping at Ten and he doesn’t have to hear Yukhei’s loud laugh as he jokingly insults him. But them being away means a calm in their usually busy schedules and even though he has a few solo things to work on there just seems to be too much time in the day. He locks himself in the studio but nothing ever seems to come out right. He constantly has a headache and he feels so weak, needing to rest after only climbing a couple flights of stairs.
He’s not stupid though, he knows why he’s like this but it’s not enough to make him stop. The managers tell them they can ease up on the diets but Kun has long since stopped following them, needing to have some control in a life in which he seems to have none.
Maybe he’s fooling himself though.
There are times where he’s able to forget about it, able to join the others for a meal or having snacks while watching a movie but those small moments where he doesn’t feel as obsessed always come with a price. His morning jog always being a little longer and the weights at the gym a little heavier. His back is still a little bit fucked up from overestimating what he could lift. The managers had scolded him for it but in the back of his mind Kun thought he deserved the pain for indulging in a slice of pizza.
He isn’t sure how much time exactly he spends twisting and turning in front of the mirror but it’s far more than it should be. Sicheng once joked that he was being influenced by Yukhei when he caught him staring at himself in the practice room. Kun had laughed along with the others and he felt even more like a liar but he didn’t dare tell them the truth. He didn’t want them to know how he was trying to see if his collar bones were actually getting more pronounced or if it was just a trick of the light. He didn’t want them to know how disappointed he felt in himself when he realised it had been.
The others are asleep when Kun realises his abs are starting to show. He’d just stripped out of his jogging shirt when he caught sight of himself in the mirror. His reaction hadn’t been what he had expected back when he was just fantasizing about what his body could look like, there had been no pride or sense of accomplishment, he still felt sick looking at himself.
After that he became an expert at changing in the dark.
“You’re doing so well Kun!” one of his managers praises him as he steps off the scale, clapping him on the back, smiling down at the numbers, “You look great! And in perfect timing for the comeback too.”
“Comeback?” Kun can’t keep the excitement out of his voice as he pulls his hoodie over his head, feeling the need to cover himself up.
“Yes,” the older man says happily, “as soon as Lucas and Ten get back we’ll get started.”
“That’s great,” Kun smiles stiffly, a little bit worried about how little rest those two are getting but he knows he doesn’t have a say in this, “can I tell the others?”
“Please do.”
He lets Ten and Yukhei know over text since he isn’t sure what time it is for them and he rounds up the others as soon as he gets home. The youngest three go mental, jumping in excitement and pulling him and a grumbling Sicheng in for a group hug - though Kun knows that Sicheng is just as excited as the rest of them. Kun gets a message from Ten and Yukhei later in the evening, both expressing how they’ve missed them and are looking forward to working together again.
A week before Ten and Yukhei returns he tries to remind himself why he’s there by watching old performances in his room when he knows the others are in bed. He’s tired of the anxiety that always comes with a new comeback but watching himself in the past freaks him out. He looks the same but also so different. He catches sight of himself in the mirror and he looks like a ghost with only his laptop illuminating his face. He looks down at the screen and then back at the mirror, absentmindedly touching his cheek, he looks almost gaunt.
He can’t decide if he likes it or not.
Ten looks at him weirdly when he comes back. Yukhei says he forgot how small they all were, Kun wasn’t sure what to think of it and so he just smiled and tells them he’d missed them. They decide to have dinner at home since the newcomers are jet lagged and they order something to eat in the living room, Yukhei connecting his phone to the TV as he and Ten tell them about the tour and shows them pictures and videos. It serves as a good distraction too, and no one mentions how little Kun eats.
They seem to have had a good time and Kun is happy for them but he can’t help the worry that comes back. Yukhei is just as loud as he usually is but it seems muted somehow and Ten’s barely able to keep his eyes open - though he tries very hard. Maybe he should have asked the managers to give them a longer break than just a few days, surely the rest of them could have started preparing without them.
“You okay?” Ten whispers and seems to have given up on trying to look awake as he leans his head on his shoulder.
“I’m fine.” Kun smiles, rearranging them to bring his arm around Ten to pull him closer, “It’s you I’m worried about.”
“Huh?”
“You and Yukhei just got back, I don’t want you to have to work so hard.” Kun looks over at Yukhei where he’s showing Yangyang a few letters he’d gotten, “I don’t want you to get sick or anything.”
“We’ll be fine.” Ten says but it doesn’t convince Kun in the slightest when he lets out a big yawn.
He tries to get them all to go to bed but no one really wants to. They’ve all missed each other and they’re playing catch up on all the time they’ve been split up. Kun is pretty sure Ten actually falls asleep on his shoulders a few times and he startles when Yukhei and Hendery suddenly bursts out laughing.
“Look what we found!” Hendery laughs and slaps Yukhei’s arm, trying to get him to hurry something up.
On the TV screen an old photo of Ten appears and Kun can’t help but giggle, partly at how cute he was and partly at how Ten practically throws himself over the table to attack Yukhei. He settles quickly though once he manages to grab the phone and he starts flicking through whatever album they had found. A bunch of predebut photos it seemed. It gives Kun a sense of nostalgia, looking at his members now and before but the pleasant feeling goes away when Ten pulls up a picture of him when he was around fourteen maybe.
He feels himself tense up as he stares at his old face, the same feeling from last week assaulting him, making him feel detached? Out of depth? He isn’t sure how to describe it and it unsettles him. The picture changes but it’s still one of him, this time from just three years ago and he hates it, that face, that body was what kept him from debuting. He was a failure back then.
“Please change the photo.” Kun bites out, somehow managing to be heard over the laughter spread around the room.
“What, why?” Yangyang teases.
“I looked disgusting.” it slips out, sounding far harsher than intended and Yangyang’s smile falls. Kun shakes his head and forces on a smile, “I’m going to bed. You guys can stay up if you want.”
He turns off the lights as soon as he gets to his room and he curses himself for being so weird, reacting like that over a picture. What the actual fuck was that?
He hopes the others will forget about it by the time morning comes.
Fortunately no one mentions it after but Kun still feels embarrassed. He finds it even harder to look at himself now too, in part because he is reminded of what he used to look like and also because he doesn’t think he looks all that different. It’s strange too, because sometimes he isn’t sure if what he’s seeing is real. Rationally he knows he’s lost weight, he’s seen the numbers go down, but sometimes when he looks himself in the mirror he looks a lot bigger than what the numbers say and he can’t help but fear that he’ll go back to being a failure.
He chooses to wear looser clothes so that he doesn’t have to think about it too much and Yangyang jokes that he looks a bit like a hobo. If a hobo would wear brand clothes that is.
But his choice is stripped away from him when they arrive at a photoshoot together. He keeps his eyes closed as they style his hair and do his makeup but then the stylist gives him his first outfit and his mouth goes dry. It’s a black see through shirt that the woman assures him will suit him perfectly.
The guys stare at him when he joins them on set and he can’t help the way his arms curl over his middle in an attempt to hide. He isn’t sure what he looks like and it makes him feel so… odd.
“Woah you look hot!” Yukhei says but his voice sounds tense and Kun blushes, not sure what to make of the comment.
The others look like they want to say something too but to his relief the photographer asks him to get in front of the camera. He gets to focus on posing and following whatever directions they give him but he’s still vaguely aware of the members watching him. Once he’s done with his shots the photographer beckons him over show him the photos and Kun reluctantly goes.
Ten slides up next to him, a hand on his shoulder as if he somehow knows how anxious Kun is feeling at this point. The photographer praises him for his expressions and Ten points out which photo is his favourite but Kun can’t bring himself to say anything but a quick thanks before he rushes off set. He beelines for the cardigan he’d worn that morning and wraps it around himself. He thinks he looked alright in the pictures but again, it’s so different from what he sees in the mirror and he just feels so crazy.
He returns to set to watch the others do their solo shoots and soon enough they’re all ushered around for a costume change and some group photos. They play around in front of the camera and Kun’s anxiety eases somewhat seeing them all have fun. He reminds himself that this is what he loves, being around his members working together to make music - although this particular part of the job isn’t exactly about the music, but still, it’s part of the process.
Kun isn’t even sure why Yukhei did it, but he suddenly wraps his arms around him from behind and picks him up. The sudden pressure over his gut makes him gasp and he feels slightly nauseous - but he’s grown used to dealing with nausea at this point.
“You’re so light.” Yukhei sounds a little shocked as he puts him down and Kun can feel Ten and Sicheng staring at him more than he sees it.
He distracts them by ordering them all to settle down so that the photographer can get his shots and after a few more costume changes they’re done for the day. There’s a sense of excitement in the air as they head home and Kun smiles fondly as Xiaojun and Hendery talk about how much they like the concept of the new album. The others chime in here and there, talking about the lyrics and how excited they are to get a look at the choreos but Ten is oddly silent.
Kun suspects the younger hasn’t rested enough and makes a mental note to ask him how he’s doing and remind him not to work too hard. But surprisingly, it’s Ten that asks him to talk and pulls him into his room with a quick warning to the others not to disturb them.
“Everything alright?” Kun asks in concern.
“That’s what I want to ask you.” Ten says, voice unusually gentle, “Anything you want to tell me?”
“No?” Kun squirms when Ten’s gaze hardens as he lets out a deep sigh.
“How much do you weigh?” Ten suddenly lurches forward, gripping Kun’s cardigan and slipping it off his shoulders, he looks him up and down, unpleased with what he sees, “Are you starving yourself or something?”
“It’s not like that.” Kun tells him but Ten looks doubtful, “It’s not as bad as you think.”
“How much do you weigh?” he asks again.
“I don’t know.” Kun lies.
“Don’t give me that bullshit, you must know.”
“50 kilos” for some reason Kun’s voice falls to a whisper but Ten must have heard it because he curses under his breath.
“Why would you do that to yourself?” Kun doesn’t want to answer, “Christ, Kun you almost looked like a skeleton in that shirt.”
“It’s not that bad.” Kun sighs, “Honest, I’ve got it under control and it’s good.”
“Good.” Ten echoes in disbelief.
“Yeah, the managers are pleased with my looks now.” he doesn’t mention how he isn’t, how he doesn’t even know what he looks like anymore.
“What kind of diet do they got you on if it’s this bad.” Ten sounds aghast and his hand finds its way to Kun’s cheek, fingers trailing over his cheekbones, “This is too much, you’ve always looked good.” he looks so sad, there’s guilt in his expression too, “I’ll talk to them.”
“It’s fine Ten, they just did what they needed to get me to debut.” Kun means for it to be reassuring but it only serves to make Ten look even more upset.
“This has been going on that long?” he runs a frustrated hand through his hair, “How the fuck haven’t we noticed?”
“I told you, it’s not as bad as you think it is.”
Ten obviously doesn’t believe him but Kun feels like he’s telling the truth, at least somewhat. It’s not that he starves himself, he just eats less than most and yeah, maybe he’s constantly hungry and blacks out for a few seconds if he stands up too quickly but it’s not like it’s all that bad, there are those that are far more destructive of their bodies. That is what Ten is worried about but Kun knows what he needs to do to keep functioning normally. What actually worries Kun is how crazy he’s becoming and he sure as hell doesn’t want Ten to worry about that. He’ll figure it out just like he’s done the rest.
“Then come have dinner with us.”
Kun swallows past the lump in his throat and nods, following Ten out to join the others.
Kun feels sick as he lays in bed that night. Ten had watched him so intensely during dinner that the others were unable not to notice it. Kun had tried to act like nothing was wrong as he stuffed his face but at one point he’d glanced down at his thighs and it had been like he could see them expanding. He knew it wasn’t real but it felt like it was. Like each bite was making him bigger. But he still ate and he must have overcompensated because it felt like one movement to drastic would make him vomit. He almost wants to, just to get rid of the nausea, but he doubts that would look good to Ten.
He can hear some of the others in the living room and when they laugh he feels tears spring to his eyes. It isn’t just because he feels miserable, but more so because he can’t join them. It feels like he hasn’t been able to in ages, his mind is always so distracted by what he looks like. He hates it but again, he doesn’t think he can stop. He doesn’t think he wants to.
At some point he manages to fall asleep and when he wakes up he feels better but also incredibly heavy. He moves in the darkness to get dressed and he isn’t sure what it is that makes him turn on the lights once he strips down to just his boxers. But he does it and he’s almost scared to face his mirror. Once he meets his reflection he’s once again consumed by that odd feeling.
He sees that he’s skinnier now, his ribs are visible and when he pinches his stomach, it’s only skin he’s able to grab over his abs. But he hates it. He can taste the food from yesterday on his tongue and when he blinks he sees his old body. The body that kept him from succeeding, the body that wasn’t good enough.
He grabs his workout clothes and decides he’ll take a longer run today. He needs to do it.
Ten’s intensity doesn’t let up. He forces him to join them for every meal, brings him snacks to have at practice and Kun eats, needing to prove that he’s fine. The younger has enough on his plate already, he shouldn’t have to worry about Kun.
Kun counts his blessings, thankful that this is happening in the middle of comeback preparations. He doesn’t have a lot of time to think, usually passing out from exhaustion as soon as they get home. He feels a bit bad about skipping his usual runs and gym sessions but dancing is good exercise and he doesn’t feel too guilty about how much he’s eating, he’s probably burning most of the weight he’s putting on. He’s not sure though, still unable to trust the mirrors and he wears the baggiest clothes he can find while they practice so that he doesn’t freak out in front of the others again.
His manager pulls him away from a recording session and has him strip and get on the scale. He’s gained a few kilos but the older man doesn’t mention it, telling him to keep going as he has been. It makes Kun feel off balance. He knows he’s underweight and that a few kilos don’t matter but he feels like a failure. It makes him feel crazy because he also knows he’s not, he’s working towards a comeback for fucks sake, that’s success. But the numbers say otherwise, to him at least.
When he joins the others in the studio again Sicheng asks him if he’s okay and he just shrugs the question off. He thinks he should ask them how the recordings are going but he can’t focus. Xiaojun holds out a bag of chips and Kun shakes his head even though he can feel Ten’s eyes on him.
Xiaojun’s disappointed look makes him realise that the others must be clued in on the situation as well. He’s supposed to be the leader, the one who’s supposed to worry for them, it shouldn’t be the other way around and he tries to perk up but he doesn’t think it’s very effective. The others are still looking at him in concern and it makes him want to hide.
It’d be counterproductive though and he forces himself to keep acting even though they don’t buy it. Ten seems pleased when he joins them for dinner though and if he notices Kun puts less food on his plate, he doesn’t comment on it.
He drops his phone between his bed and the wall and so he turns on the lights to see where it ended up. He doesn’t even think about it, but when he stands after finding his phone he locks eyes with himself and he freezes. His thighs look huge and his cheeks are puffy and the sight literally makes his chest ache. Despite it, he drops his phone on the bed and steps closer to the mirror. He can’t stop staring, eyes trailing up and down his body as if in a trance, just noticing everything that’s wrong with it.
Tears of frustration build in his eyes and everything goes blurry. He’s so damn tired of feeling like this, of looking at himself and hating what he sees. He had been so sure that he’d be fine once he debuted, that as he got older his body would look better and that it would be no trouble maintaining his weight. But it’s spiraled so far that he can’t even look at himself without freaking out.
He reaches out to grip the sides of the mirror and he lifts it off the wall. It’s a simple solution, if he just turns it he won’t have to look at himself. But he loses his grip on it and it crashes to the ground, shattering and he scrambles back with a yelp of pain and surprise. He backs away from the mess and feels the soles of his feet get cut up but there’s a pain in his calf that hurts far more. He sits down on the bed and hisses as he brings his leg up to inspect the wound, it’s already bleeding a lot and he realises he’s crying.
The door opens and Kun looks up in surprise to see Hendery stood gaping in the doorway, “What happened?”
“I-” he isn’t sure how to explain this and Hendery seems to realise, quickly asking him to wait before he rushes off.
He comes back and the others are with him. Sicheng brings a broom and brushes the shards out of the way to make a path and Ten quickly rushes over and drags him into the bathroom. Kun can hear the others talking but it’s muffled since Ten shut the door, he appreciates it greatly, he isn’t sure he wants to hear what the others are saying.
Ten kneels in front of him where he’s sitting on the toilet seat and silently checks his wounds. He cleans them, apologizing each time Kun hisses at the sting, and when he’s done he rests his hands on Kun’s thighs and looks up at him, concern covering his face.
“What happened?”
“I just needed to move it.” Kun realises he’s shaking only when Ten reaches out to grip his hands to steady them, “I needed to-”
“Why?” Ten’s thumbs rub comforting circles on the back of his hands and Kun lets out a shuddered breath.
“I didn’t want to look at myself.” he admits quietly and Ten lets out a deep sigh.
“Kun-” he sounds so sad, “you look good, I don’t get how you can’t see that.”
“Neither can I.” he feels the same frustration from before come back and he wrenches a hand out of Ten’s grip to run it through his hair, not caring that it’s probably disgusting given the dried blood on it, “I don’t even know anymore, sometimes it’s fine but then other times I look like I used to and it doesn’t make any sense.” the words just come rushing out and Kun can’t stop them. “I’m going crazy and I can't stop thinking about it.”
Ten wraps his arms around him, still awkwardly kneeled in front of him on the bathroom tiles but Kun doesn’t care and returns the embrace, hands clenching around the fabric of his shirt,
“I just wanted to debut” he mumbles into the crook of Ten’s neck and the younger hums, rubbing his back, “I didn’t mean to go crazy.”
“You’re not crazy.” Ten says softly, tightening his hold ever so slightly, “But you need help, I don’t know how, but we can find you someone who can help, alright?”
He pulls away to look Kun in the eyes and he doesn’t look like he’s demanding anything, just pleading with him, hoping for him to agree. And even though it scares him, Kun finds himself giving a small nod.
“Alright.”
It wasn’t easy convincing management to let him see a therapist but Ten wasn’t one to give up easily. Neither were the others, they all banded together, demanding they’d help him or they’d go on strike. Kun wasn’t even sure if they were allowed to do that but management seemed to get the message and set him up for meetings with a therapist every other week. It had been scary but Kun was too exhausted to do anything about it. He wants to get better and he knows he can’t do it by himself.
They give him medication, something to help with his anxiety and the therapist says it should help him not freak out whenever he sees himself, Kun’s words, not hers. And it actually does, he still doesn’t like what he sees but he doesn’t feel that odd feeling anymore. His therapist also tells him he should try to wear tighter clothes, exposing himself so that he can get used to it. He doesn’t do it every day but tries to, he has to after all, there’s still a comeback in the works and he can’t stand on stage freaking out over what he’s wearing.
The others seem to realise he doesn’t want to talk about it but he can see that they’re proud of him whenever he eats with them or hangs out with them in only shorts and a tank top. Ten had smiled incredibly brightly when Kun asked if he wanted to go with him to buy a new mirror. Kun wasn’t sure if it was the best idea but his therapist had told him he needed to expose himself to the things that caused him the most anxiety. And even though it was hard he wanted to try, he figured he’d ask for someone’s help if he needed to move it next time.
Kun isn’t sure if he’s ever going to be completely okay but he wants to be. He wants to be able to enjoy things fully again and he might just be getting there.