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Neil holds the brand new puzzle tight to his chest. The car bumps along the road and all the little pieces inside the box whisper against each other. He loves the sound. Dada let him pick out any puzzle he wanted from the air and space museum shop, but it took a lot of time to choose just the right one. This one’s got a picture of a Saturn V rocket on it and it’s 1000 pieces. That’s really big. He wanted to split the box open and start it in the car on the way home, but Dada said no no, we must wait Neil, and so he’s been very good and very patient and he’s waited. Even though it’s very hard to wait. It’s very, very, VERY hard. Waiting is crummy. And it’s actually okay if he uses that word because Daddy said so.
He loves puzzles so much.
They pull into the driveway and Dada comes to unbuckle him from his car seat. Dada laughs and says you’ve got to let go of your puzzle Little Blue I can’t find the buckle, and you don’t want to live in the car forever now do you? And Neil laughs too because of course he doesn’t. He wants to go inside their house and show Daddy his new puzzle and get right to work.
But then there’s dinner and he has to wait again. It’s not fair. And there’s peas he has to eat and peas are just crummy. Super crummy. Daddy says, you finish every single pea kiddo or there’s no puzzle tonight, and that’s even more unfair. But he smooshes them into his mouth and swallows them whole as fast as he can so the taste doesn’t get caught on his tongue and Daddy looks like he’s trying not to laugh but Daddy always kinda looks like that. Neil doesn’t care. The peas are gone and that means he can do his puzzle.
After dinner Daddy turns on the feed from the Space Station so he can see all his friends. It’s on the tv, on the special space channel. He can’t talk to them but he just likes watching them anyway. Sometimes they are working and sometimes they float by and do funny things. When they act silly Daddy laughs and laughs and talks right to the tv like he’s there too, haha Red you’re gonna be pretty sad if you short that instrument panel with your dumb orange juice ball. Neil thinks Daddy probably misses his friends a lot even though he has Dada to keep him company here on Earth.
Dada takes out his pocket knife and cuts the edges of the puzzle box open. He makes quick cuts, hardly needs to look. Then he pulls the big coffee table over to the couch and sets the puzzle box in the middle. Neil plonks down on the couch cushions and Dada squeezes in beside him. Are you ready? Dada asks, pushing him a little with his shoulder and smiling. Neil is so ready! He bounces on the cushions because it’s so exciting and Dada laughs. Dada leans down and kisses him in his hair and he smells warm and good, like cinnamon gum and smoke. Neil needs a little help getting the top off the box but he can do everything else himself. He looks hard at the picture of the Saturn V and then spills the pieces out onto the table.
Neil turns the pieces over as fast as he can. He can feel his brain stretching out like a cat waking up after a long nap. It feels good. The patterns in the pieces are popping up all over the place. He can’t look fast enough to see them all, not yet. He fits pieces together, one-two-three, remembers their shapes, the feel of them in his brain. Some patterns feel soft and warm, others sharp and spiky. Some patterns even have a taste on the back of his tongue. Some are sweet, others hot and peppery. He runs his hands over the shapes and he can feel the patterns, taste the patterns, see the patterns. The pieces want to be fit together. They are impatient. The picture of the rocket is appearing now. It’s another pattern to help him, and he can go even faster. Look at those blue eyes going a mile a minute—that’s what Daddy said once when Neil was putting together a puzzle. He imagines his eyes in sneakers running a race and it makes him laugh. Faster and faster the pieces fit together. He’s on his feet now, leaning over the table, making a rocket from thin air, faster, faster. He’s laughing, singing songs. And finally the last piece pops in and he’s done!
Daddy turns from the tv and smiles so big. He says, good job, Neil! but his smile goes away just like that. He’s looking at Dada. So Neil looks at him too. Neil’s heart drops. Dada’s staring at the finished puzzle and he’s shivering a little bit, like he’s really cold. Something is wrong. Something is really really wrong. And it’s hurting Dada so bad. Neil wants to stop the hurt, but he can’t even sense the shape of what it could be. He doesn’t understand. And then Dada looks at him and it’s like he’s looking at him but seeing someone else. Like he’s not even Neil anymore. Dada’s eyes are so sad, even the broken cloudy blind one. And suddenly Neil’s crying because he loves Dada so much and poor Dada’s sad and he can’t stop it, he just can’t stop it.
But then strong arms are all around him, picking him up, holding him close. Neil can hear Dada’s great big heart thumping hard and he hugs his neck, holds on with all he’s got. Dada’s voice is low and gentle in his ear, hush hush Little Blue I’m sorry I made you cry, I’m so sorry, but Dada saying he’s sorry just makes Neil cry harder. Then Daddy’s there, quick as a flash, his arms around both of them and Dada’s whispering, you’re so smart Neil, so so smart, I’m never going to let anyone hurt you just because you’re smart, never ever, I promise, and all Neil can do is cry into his shoulder. They pat Neil’s back and let him cry until the sad feelings are gone.
After a while Daddy goes up on tiptoes, kisses Dada soft on the cheek, then leans down to kiss Neil. He says, I know, why don’t we all play a game together? Neil doesn’t feel like playing a game. His eyes are hot and hurty and his head is heavy. His face still feels like crying a little. But Dada says yes, let’s all play a game, and Neil raises his head from Dada’s shoulder. He’ll do anything to make Dada not sad anymore. He says, Dada I have a game.
Neil runs into his room as fast as he can go and pulls a box out from under his bed. It’s a special, special present Grammy gave him last time she babysat. The box is old and falling apart. It’s tied up with a white string. Neil is extra careful carrying it back to the living room, extra careful when he hands Dada the box. Dada looks confused for a second but then he smiles so big Neil can tell it’s a smile from way down deep inside and not just his lips pretending to be happy. My old Snakes and Ladders game, says Dada, this was my very favorite when I was a little boy. Neil flops down onto the couch, pushes the Saturn V puzzle way to the back of the table.
Dada, he says, will you teach me how to play?