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Michael set down his phone and walked slowly out of his office. It was important to keep his employees calm. He didn't need anyone trying to fight it on their own. This wasn't a time for heroes.
"All right, everyone," Michael called out to the office at large, "there's no need to panic."
Dwight jumped to his feet. No one else reacted.
"I have just called the police."
Heads popped up around the office. Dwight ran to Michael's side. "Is everything okay? What's happened? What can I do?"
"Just – no, I don't need you to do anything. Except stay calm."
Worried voices called out around the office like chirping birds.
"Michael, what's going on?"
"Why did you call the police?"
"Are we in danger again?"
"Everyone, please. I have notified the police of an unauthorized visitor on Dunder Mifflin premises."
A tense silence filled the room. Several people exchanged nervous glances.
Oscar sighed. "Please tell me you don't have another hostage."
"If anything, Oscar, we are the hostages. Wrap your mind around that for a second."
Pam straightened in her seat. "Michael, what's going on?"
Michael had the attention of the entire office now. He took a deep breath. He was about to blow their minds, chill their hearts, and scare them to the very bottom of their bowels.
"I have just seen a ghost in the men's bathroom."
He didn't quite understand why everyone except Dwight and Jim returned to their work. Dwight ran to his desk and began to gather supplies. Jim abandoned his work all together and spun his chair around to face Michael.
"You've seen a ghost?"
"Yes I have," Michael replied gravely.
"In the men's bathroom."
"Absofruitly." He felt pity for Jim, who must've been so frightened he was no longer in control of his facial expressions; this was no smiling matter.
"Michael," Pam said, pausing as if to choose her words carefully. "Where did you see the ... the ghost?"
"It came out of the stall while I was at the urinal."
"And so you called the police before you told any of us?" Jim asked.
"He didn't want to create widespread panic, Jim. We could be under a severe supernatural possession right now, don't you watch Ghost Hunters?" Dwight snapped. He was pulling an assortment of vials and metal weaponry out of his desk drawers. Toby lingered a few feet away, looking uncomfortable.
"No, I don't," Jim shot the camera a look.
"Dwight, you really can't have these things in the office-"
"We are under attack, Toby," Michael shouted. "We may need these things to fight off whatever is in there. Or who. It could be any one of our relatives in there, stuck between two planes of existence."
"Or a poltergeist coming back for vengeance," supplied Dwight.
"Exactly. The spirit may be angry. It's probably your ex-wife haunting us."
"My ex-wife isn't dead," Toby said quietly.
"She might as well be to you," Michael replied.
"Michael, are you really sure you saw a ghost?"
"Yes, Pam, I was in the urinal peeing-" Pam flinched. "And I turned around and I saw a ghost. It was corporeal."
"Nope," said Jim, "A ghost cannot be in corporeal form."
Pam winked at Jim. "Michael, that means he was in solid form. Did you see someone in solid form in the bathroom? Like maybe Creed?"
"No, no, I went into the bathroom and it was very dark and the lights were flickering, Pam, okay, and then a translucent figure came through the stall and came at me."
"Michael, are you sure it wasn't Creed?"
"Yes, I'm sure it wasn't Creed."
Dwight called everyone's attention by noisly pulling a string of garlic from his desk drawer, giving Jim a wary look as he did so. Jim recoiled dutifully. Dwight set the garlic back in his desk and then, as if he'd had a sudden epiphany, jumped to his feet.
"Maybe Ed Truck is haunting us!" he shouted.
"Maybe," Michael folded his arms across his chest. He surveyed his employees, all except Dwight scared and defenseless. He nodded and whispered, "Maybe."
***
The Lackawanna County Sheriff's Department was less than helpful. One officer was sent out to investigate, and he never set foot in the bathroom. He didn't even recognize Dwight. He couldn't have been a real Sheriff's deputy. The forces of nature were already playing against them.
When the officer had left and everyone felt an hour of their time had been wasted, Dwight walked up to Michael, shaking his head. Seeing they were about to discuss the fate of the entire office, Jim jumped up and joined their meeting.
"Common law enforcement isn't prepared to handle spiritual disturbances of this magnitude. They just don't have the proper training."
"I know," Michael nodded sagely. "They're unprepared for our magnitude."
"If only we knew some real life Ghost Hunters," Jim hummed in thought. "Maybe you should call those guys."
"In truth, Jim, they're children with flashlights compared to some people I know..." Dwight looked from side to side to make sure no one was listening. He dropped his voice to a whisper. "I know who can handle this."
"If this is your dealer in St Marys, I'm not driving another 3 hours with you just to get some stupid plant."
"Dwight has a dealer?"
Michael heaved a withering sigh. "He said we needed to buy wolfsbane to get rid of this werewolf so we spent 6 hours to and from in his car with a live chicken in the backseat."
"You went on a road trip with Dwight. To get wolfsbane. So you could fight werewolves."
"And it didn't even work," Michael crossed his arms, shuffling his feet. "Worst fifty bucks ever spent."
"I'm sure you've bought worse things," said Jim, glancing at the cameras.
"Wolfsbane only repels werewolves and vampires," Dwight said, jumping back into the conversation and giving Jim a worried glance as he spoke. "And anyway, those guys can't help us now. I know who can, though. I just have to make a call." Dwight pushed away from the wall dramatically and headed towards Michael's office.
Michael gazed at Dwight in wonder. "Who're you gonna call?"
Dwight and Jim chuckled, immediately stopping when they noticed the other. Dwight disappeared into Michael's office and Jim made a beeline for the reception. Michael didn't see what was so funny.
***
Dean must really be desperate if he was taking calls from Dwight Schrute again, Sam thought as they pulled off the interstate at the exit leading to Scranton.