Archive of Our Own

Jaemin’s head is buzzing, ask him, ask him, ask him! the small voice inside him getting louder and more panicked with every sign they drive past. He opens his mouth and nothing comes out. His lips press together again. Out the window, the world is impossibly bright: blue sky overhead, brilliant green leaves on trees lining the side of the road. Everything shines in the sun. Jaemin’s stomach twists and drops and he thinks he might be sick. Ask! 

To his left, Donghyuck is sitting calm and relaxed, two hands gripping the steering wheel. His eyes are focused on the road ahead. He’s watching for the sign marking their exit. Jaemin keeps stealing glances at him. 

The windows are down, letting unseasonably hot air shout through the car. The whip of the wind keeps it from being unbearable, but each time the car slows to make a turn, Jaemin’s skin prickles with sweat and his body burns. That’s not the worst of it. The outside air ruffles through Donghyuck’s hair, leaving him windswept in a way that makes Jaemin ache. Ever-moving air catches in Donghyuck’s clothes and sets them fluttering like he’s made of wind. With every breath he seems to move like the beating wings of a butterfly; beautiful, about to fly out of reach.

But Donghyuck isn’t the one that’s leaving. Jaemin catches a glimpse of himself in the side view mirror and hates his reflection. All he sees is his brown hair and a coward’s eyes. Ask him , the voice in his head pleads. But when he opens his mouth, he can’t seem to find the words, can’t seem to push them past his lips. 

Then there it is: his exit. 

The blinker clicks on and Donghyuck’s hands shift on the wheel. They’re switching lanes. They’re pulling off the freeway. A one lane road, swallowed by trees on either side. Jaemin feels himself suffocating. 

Ask him! He’s lying to himself. He knows the words. He knows what he wants to say. What are we? What does this mean for us? The one that scares him the most: Will you still be here when I get back? He knows already that he won’t be able to ask.

The trees fall away, but it doesn’t make it any easier to breathe. Out from under the cover of a blanket of leaves, Jaemin can now see the airport looming on the horizon. With every passing second it grows bigger and bigger until it’s all Jaemin can see. He really thinks he’s going to be sick.

The silence in the car seems to have weight, pressing Jaemin down into his seat so he can’t move. This is the quietest it’s ever been between them. Donghyuck and Jaemin- scream and shout. They weren’t made for silence like this, but here it is, thick and immovable. Jaemin is drowning.

But then, “Almost there,” Donghyuck says. 

It doesn’t shatter the silence. It’s just pushing back at a closing door and stalling it a moment longer before it slams shut. 

“Yeah,” Jaemin says. His throat feels tight, the word sounds strained. He picks at a loose string on his jeans. If he pulls it enough, maybe the whole leg will unravel and lose form. That’s what the world is doing to him now, isn’t it?

He glances left again. Maybe Donghyuck isn’t as relaxed as he’d thought. There’s a muscle working in his jaw like he’s grinding his teeth. Jaemin looks away before it gives him hope. 

Ask him! Again, Jaemin opens his mouth to nothing. He takes a breath, but it feels stilted. Spring air is stale in his lungs. He can’t say anything. 

The car passes through a check-in station and Donghyuck reaches out to grab his ticket. A timer starts ticking down in Jaemin’s head, and it’s all he can hear. They drive up towards the drop-off line, and Jaemin feels dread pool in his stomach.

Ask him! The voice is desperate, sounds as panicked as Jaemin feels. They roll to a stop, three cars away from the curb that Jaemin will step out onto as he pulls his luggage from the trunk. Three cars away from the curb that Jaemin will watch Donghyuck turn away from, leave behind as he circles back out of the airport and heads for home again.

“Are you excited?” Donghyuck asks as heat floods the car in the absence of wind. 

“Nervous,” Jaemin admits. Terrified .

Donghyuck looks over to him. His eyes shine in the sunlight cutting through the open windows. “You’ll do great,” he says, half a smile on his face.

Jaemin swallows and forces himself not to look away. He looks at Donghyuck’s face and tries to memorize the lines and curves of his cheeks and lips all over again. Clings to this even though he knows he can never forget it. “Thanks,” he sounds strangled.

The line moves ahead of them, and Donghyuck pulls them one car length closer. He brakes and turns back to Jaemin. “You will.” He sounds so sure. 

The heat on Jaemin’s face is unbearable. The burn of his eyes is the worst. 

Donghyuck lets a hand fall from the wheel and reaches out to rest it on Jaemin’s. “Don’t make me get all nice with you,” he says. “You know I’m not good at that.” But Donghyuck shifts his hand even as he speaks, threading his fingers through Jaemin’s. 

Jaemin’s chest tightens as he does the same- wraps his fingers around Donghyuck’s so their hands are held as close together as he dares. This is what they know. When they can’t talk about the things that matter, this is what it turns to. But Jaemin needs words now, now Donghyuck’s touch isn’t quite enough. Now it all feels too fleeting. Jaemin wants to be grounded now. Now that it’s too late.

They move forward another car length. Only one left.

“Thanks,” Jaemin chokes out. He doesn’t know what else to say. What he needs to say, what he should say, what he can say; they’re all different. What he can say isn’t enough.

Donghyuck gives another smile that doesn’t reach his eyes. His lips part, but press together again. The car in front of them pulls forward, back onto the road. Donghyuck angles them into the drop-off, cuts the engine. Donghyuck pulls his hand away first.

Jaemin can’t stand to be trapped in the car a second longer, not when he knows his time there is finite regardless of what he does. He throws his door open and steps out onto the curb. Donghyuck’s door opens and closes a beat after his. 

There’s a faint breeze carrying the sour smell of the airport, of cars all around. Jaemin’s almost grateful he can barely breathe. He walks around the back of the car as Donghyuck pops the trunk, doesn’t meet his eyes as they pull his luggage out. When both suitcases sit short and squat on the curb and Jaemin’s carry-on is slung over his shoulder, Donghyuck closes the trunk a bit harder than necessary. 

“I guess you’re leaving now,” Donghyuck says, staring at his hands before looking to Jaemin.

Jaemin finally meets Donghyuck’s eyes again, and it makes him ache somewhere deep in his chest. The look in Donghyuck’s eyes… he can’t stand it.

“You’ve got everything?” Donghyuck asks.

Jaemin nods. He’s clutching his whole life in his two hands. Well… almost . Donghyuck stands just out of reach. 

Donghyuck nods back, hair bouncing as his head dips. 

Ask him. But the voice is beaten down and defeated now. Jaemin knows he won’t.

“I guess I’ll see you in May, then.” Donghyuck looks like he’s smiling, but he’s not. 

Jaemin knows he must look even worse. 

“Yeah,” he says, gut wrenching, “I’ll see you.”

Donghyuck steps back. There’s a chasm between them. Jaemin steps back too, up onto the curb with his things.

“Bye.” Donghyuck offers a small waves and moves around the car. He meets Jaemin’s eyes one last time over the car roof before opening the driver’s door and disappearing as it slams shut. The engine revs up again, and Jaemin can’t even wave as Donghyuck drives away. 

A new car fills the spot left by Donghyuck’s. New people step out onto the concrete. Jaemin turns away from it all, clutches his luggage, and walks through the automatic doors into the airport. He hangs his head, and everything passes in a blur. 

It’s not until he’s buckled into his seat by the window, hood hiding his face from the view of the aisle, that he closes his eyes and feels the full force of the sadness cutting through him. When he lands, he’ll be fine. He’ll have to be. But now, with his forehead on the glass and hands clenched in his lap, he aches. Hurts like his heart has been punched clean out of his chest. As the plane takes off and the ground falls away, as the world grows small and is swallowed by clouds, Jaemin cries. 

His eyes burn and he cries until he can’t breathe. I miss you already. He cries until he falls asleep. 

How much will have changed when he comes back home?

One year, two weeks. The sky is gray when the plane touches down. The clouds are thick and angry. Jaemin comes home greeted by rain. 

Seated near the front of the plane, he gets off before the wait and bustle of bodies and bags wears him down more the flight already has. He slips out with his carry-on and hurries through the airport. 

Down packed halls too crowded for comfort, Jaemin eventually comes out at the baggage claim. A few feet from the moving rack, he spots Jeno- dark hair and glasses and a nervous smile. Just after he sees Jeno, Jeno sees him. The smile grows, and even at a distance Jaemin can see how bright it is. He finds himself smiling too.

“Jaemin!” Jeno waves as he moves closer, meeting Jaemin in front of the baggage claim. 

“Hey,” Jaemin says, throwing an arm around Jeno’s shoulder. “Good to see you.”

“You too! Your hair really is pink!” Jeno reaches up to tug at a bunch of the bright strands.

Jaemin lets him ooo and ahh for a moment before swatting his hand away. “You saw it when we video chatted.”

“It’s not the same.” Jeno’s lower lips juts out, and if Jaemin didn’t know any better, he would think Jeno was pouting. But there’s no way Jeno, now at the ripe old age of twenty, would be pouting at Jaemin in the middle of the airport when they haven’t seen each other in over a year.

“If you like it so much, you should do yours,” Jaemin teases, “I could help if you want.”

Jeno makes a face at him. “Mean,” he says without any heat.

“What?” Jaemin feigns ignorance.

Jeno’s face scrunches and he looks like a frustrated kid. “You know I can’t do any of that stuff with my hair again after the blonde. I could go bald.”

“ Right ,” Jaemin grins, “you were losing hair like an old man. I remember now. You sure you don’t wanna do that again? Now that you’re a grandpa? You and Renjun can go silver together.”

Jeno rolls his eyes and smiles like he’s trying to think nice don’t punch Jaemin thoughts. “Go get your luggage before I regret picking you up.”

Jaemin raises his hands in defeat, still grinning. “Sure. Thanks again, by the way.”

“Yeah yeah,” Jeno says, walking with Jaemin towards the pick-up line. “I knew what I was signing up for.”

Jaemin waits a moment, watching for his luggage. Five suitcases come around the turn before he spots his. “I missed you,” he says. He’s looking at his bags, but Jeno smiles and they both know Jaemin is talking to him, not the luggage. 

“I missed you, too.” 

The bags draw up to Jaemin and he hauls them off the moving rack. Jeno wordlessly takes the handle of one and they turn away from the baggage claim together. After a minute of nothing but their footsteps and the wheels rolling against the ground, Jeno says, “Everyone missed you.”

Jaemin’s heart does not jump in his chest. “Sure,” he laughs. 

“I mean it,” Jeno insists. “At least once a week someone was always complaining about it. You never know how long a semester is until you have to get through two without one of your best friends. ”

“I’m not convinced you all didn’t just miss my snack packs.”

“Oh yeah,” Jeno sighs, “losing those hurt a lot too.”

“I feel so loved.”

Jeno nudges his shoulder against Jaemin’s. “You are.”

A stubborn smile works its way onto Jaemin’s face and stays until they’re through the airport and into the parking garage, stuffing Jaemin’s luggage in the trunk of Jeno’s car and sliding into the front seats. “How’s everyone been?” Jaemin asks as the engine starts.

“Good. Not that much has changed since we talked. Everyone’s excited to see you.” A pause. “Hyuck asked about you.”

Jaemin makes a small sound at the back of his throat that he hopes doesn’t sound like choking. (That’s sure as hell what it feels like). “Oh yeah?” He says when his throat is no longer closing up on him.

Jeno nods, eyes on the road as they exit the parking garage, pay the fee, and leave the airport behind. “Asked how you were doing. A couple times.” The way he says a couple … Jaemin isn’t sure what to make of that.

“What did you tell him?”

Jeno’s hands shift audibly on the wheel. “What you told me. You were doing all right. School was going well. Might’ve said you were homesick once.”

Jaemin bites his lip. There’s something Jeno isn’t saying. 

“You two not talk?” Jeno asks just before the silence gets awkward.

“We did. Do.” Jaemin tries very hard to keep his voice even and inconspicuous. “Got busy a lot, I guess.” 

“Uh huh.” Jeno clearly doesn’t believe him any more now than he did the last time this came up. He knows there’s something weird between Donghyuck and Jaemin, he’s just too nice to ask about it outright. “Well he’ll be at Renjun’s for your welcome home bash - obviously - so you two can talk. I bet he’ll like your hair.”

Jaemin reaches up to tug at his hair. “Yeah…” He gets so caught in his own head he doesn’t realize the conversation is dying until Jeno turns on the radio, volume low compared to the rain ting -ing against the car roof. It snaps Jaemin back to reality, and he shoves thoughts of Donghyuck back into the deep reaches of his mind where they’ve gotten used to living. 

Jaemin turns all his focus back on Jeno, determined to wipe the contemplative look off his face. He reaches for something to say, something to ask about to change the topic. His eyes drift out the windows to the pouring rain. Jaemin only has to force out one dumb question about the weather before the conversation picks back up again. Jeno doesn’t mention Donghyuck again, and the rest of the ride passes with warm chatter and quiet music.

Jaemin is happy to be home.

But home feels different, Jaemin finds. Two hours later he’s finally sitting on his bed, and even though the soft sheets and light walls are familiar, he doesn’t feel settled. It must be the flight, the jet-lag, all the time spent far away, that leaves him off-kilter like this. He falls back on the covers and stares at the stucco ceiling. 

Out the window, rain still falls. It streaks down the glass and sings into the otherwise silent room. For a moment, Jaemin watches the rain, the clouds in the sky, holding onto it until they can’t, holding on until they have to let go. The rain is free as it falls. Is it sad, scared? 

Jaemin closes his eyes, sighs.

Is he tired from the trip? Tired from the car ride, the merry go round of hugs and greetings from his family, the half-unpacked suitcases? He could be… he could. But in the darkness that falls with his closed eyes, in the absence of distraction, Jaemin can’t lie to himself for long. 

Out of the darkness, appears a hazy image of Donghyuck. This is what he’d looked like last year, the last time Jaemin had seen him. Donghyuck has light brown hair and eyes so sad they look black. Jaemin wants to reach out and touch, brush fingers through his hair and feel the warmth of his skin and his lips, but it’s impossible. It’s a memory. And what had he done that day? He’d barely said goodbye. He’d had Donghyuck so close and had just let him turn and drive off without a word. 

Jaemin rolls over so his face is buried in the sheets. It’s hard to breathe like this. The image of Donghyuck shifts. His cheeks get fuller, his hair darker, his eyes bright. He’s on the edge of the unknown, and suddenly Jaemin is right there with him. Donghyuck is wearing a sun-faded blue shirt and Jaemin remembers this all too well.

“What’s the most common truth?” Donghyuck asks over the whine of cicadas.

“Huh?” Jaemin looks up from his phone to find Donghyuck staring at the wall. Jaemin’s been waiting to see final grade postings for the semester, eyes glued on his phone, but Donghyuck always has a way of capturing his attention.

“Like in truth or dare- what’s the most common truth?”

“Probably if you have a crush or something like that.”

Donghyuck hums. His phone is face down on the floor next to him. He’s not as anxious about the grades as Jaemin is. “What about dare?”

Jaemin shrugs, forgetting to refresh the page on his screen. “To kiss someone?”

Donghyuck peels his eyes away from the wall and focuses on Jaemin. “Yeah, that sounds right.”

There’s a pause. Jaemin can see something happening in Donghyuck’s eyes, gears turning. Just before Jaemin remembers to check his phone, Donghyuck speaks again.

“Have you ever kissed a boy?”

Jaemin feels like the floor has fallen out from under him. He nods, slow.

Donghyuck hums again. Jaemin swallows. 

“What’s it like?” Donghyuck asks. His eyes are right on Jaemin’s. It’s impossible to look away.

Jaemin’s mouth is too dry. “The same, kind of,” he struggles to get out. “I think guys have more chapped lips?”

Donghyuck’s eyes drop right down to Jaemin’s lips. They linger. Jaemin feels like he needs to open a window for air, but his bedroom window is already pushed all the way up. Donghyuck meets his eyes again. 

“Why do you ask?” Jaemin’s voice is an octave higher than usual.

“Curious,” Donghyuck says. He pauses, deliberating. “Can I kiss you?”

Jaemin’s jaw goes very tight and then entirely slack. He feels like his heart has shot up his throat, is resting on his tongue, waiting to be swallowed back down. He can’t move. “What?” It’s more a squeak than a word. 

“To see,” Donghyuck says, “I wanna know what it’s like.”

Jaemin becomes hyper aware of his whole body: his legs tucked under him, arms hanging at his sides, fingers twitching, sweat on his palms. He looks at Donghyuck, his pink cheeks, his pink lips. “Sure,” he says. He doesn't know how he got the word out.

Donghyuck smiles, small and cautious and bright. Relieved? He pushes himself onto his knees and shuffles over to Jaemin’s side. He settles down, back still facing the wall while Jaemin’s is pressed against the foot of his bed. 

The world shrinks. The sound of cicadas falls away and all Jaemin can hear is Donghyuck breathing. Jaemin sees nothing but Donghyuck’s eyes, his nose, his lips. 

“Okay?” Donghyuck asks.

Jaemin twists so he’s facing Donghyuck head on. He licks his lips. “Mhm.”

Donghyuck lets out a soft breath and leans closer. Closer. 

His lips brush against Jaemin’s - just enough for him to get an idea of their shape and warmth - and then it’s gone. Jaemin hadn’t even closed his eyes all the way. 

Donghyuck looks up. This close, Jaemin can see every one of Donghyuck’s lashes, all the deep golden-brown tones in Donghyuck’s eyes. “Your lips are chapped,” Donghyuck says with a small smile.

Jaemin reaches up to run his fingers across his lips. Donghyuck is right. As his hand falls back down to his lap, Donghyuck catches it. He holds it gently. 

“Can we...” Donghyuck bites his lip. “Again?”

Jaemin nods wordlessly. He closes the distance between them and presses his lips against Donghyuck’s. This time he gets the full feeling of them: soft, smooth, sweet. He tastes like almond lip balm and when his lips move he feels like summer come early. 

Donghyuck presses closer and his hand tightens around Jaemin’s. Their knees knock together and Jaemin can feel the whisper of Donghyuck’s nose against his cheek. His lips are hot. Jaemin’s sweating. He feels like butter, melting under the sun. He’s loose and relaxed and kissing Donghyuck like he’s the only thing in the world. He’s not entirely sure Donghyuck isn’t the only thing in the world.

When Donghyuck pulls back, his lips are cherry red and swollen and shiny . His breath is still hot on Jaemin’s mouth, and nothing at all could have prepared Jaemin for this. 

For a moment, all they do is breathe. They’re only inches apart. Donghyuck is still clutching Jaemin’s hand. Their knees are pressed together. Donghyuck’s eyes look brighter than Jaemin has ever seen them. He’s smiling without moving his lips. “That was good,” he says, voice lower than usual. 

“Yeah.” Jaemin sounds winded. He is winded.

“Are you sure that’s the same as kissing girls?” Donghyuck isn’t moving away.

Jaemin shakes his head. “That was better.” That was better than other boys too.

“For me, too,” Donghyuck says. 

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.” 

Jaemin feels himself leaning in again, and his lips brush against Donghyuck’s before he can think to stop himself. Donghyuck doesn’t push him back. He lifts a hand to Jaemin’s shoulder and the weight keeps Jaemin exactly where he is. Just like that, they’re kissing again. 

Again, Jaemin feels himself moving. He’s pressing into Donghyuck so they’re chest to chest. Donghyuck’s hand on his shoulder grips tighter, and Jaemin realizes he has a perfectly good hand just sitting in his lap. He lifts it up brush against Donghyuck’s cheek. The muscles in Donghyuck’s jaw go lax for a moment and his mouth opens wider. Jaemin is caught off guard, and his lips hit Donghuck’s teeth. When Donghyuck bites down gently as if on reflex, Jaemin gasps. It’s lost in the kiss, Jaemin’s lip tingles with the light indent of teeth. He wants more.

 Jaemin moves his hand from Donghyuck’s cheek to the back of his head and threads his fingers through Donghyuck’s hair. He tugs lightly and Donghyuck makes a sound, low at the back of his throat, that buzzes against Jaemin’s lips. He kisses harder, presses closer, until Donghyuck’s tongue is slipping over his lower lip, moving past his teeth. It’s hot silk against Jaemin’s. 

Donghyuck kisses Jaemin breathless. Jaemin kisses Donghyuck until he has to draw away to drag air into his lungs like he’s been underwater too long. They’re sitting there, foreheads angled together, eyes half open, hands still on each other, trying to remember how to breathe without moving anything but their heaving chests. 

When Jaemin finds his body still feels like overheated butter, he leans away just so he can prop himself up on the foot of his bed, so he doesn’t turn liquid right then and there. His hand drops from Donghyuck’s hair to his shoulder. Donghyuck’s eyes are dark, his lips look wine-stained and bitten. 

“That was good,” Jaemin repeats what Donghyuck had said before. That was better than every kiss he’s ever had before. 

Donghyuck nods. He looks hazy, eyes out of focus. Jaemin squeezes his hand and watches the sharpness return to Donghyuck’s gaze. He nods again. “That was good.”

Jaemin wants to say something more, ask a question that sits heavy on his tongue, but just like that, before he can say anything, his mom calls down the hall. She says it’s time for dinner. Jaemin hadn’t realized it was that late, but the light in the room does seem to be much dimmer than it had been before they started kissing. Some of the fog clears from his head, though his lips still thrum like they’re alive. 

“We should… go,” Donghyuck says slowly, as if he’s not quite sure.

“Yeah,” Jaemin agrees, though the last thing he wants to do now is face his mother at the dinner table.

“Yeah,” Donghyuck murmurs, an echo. He pulls his hand off of Jaemin’s shoulder and tugs the one still clutching Jaemin’s so they can stand together. He doesn’t say anything more, and Jaemin doesn’t either. They wait a moment in silence until their faces don’t look quite so incriminating, then head to dinner without another word.

That’s how it starts.

“Shit,” Jaemin groans into the covers. He rolls back over and opens his eyes, stares at the ceiling again instead of the fading image of Donghyuck that lingers in his head. He is so screwed. That night he’d forgotten all about the grade postings he’d been so worried about, had been so distracted he didn’t see them until the next morning. That night Donghyuck had been the only thing on his mind. 

Well over a year later, not much has changed in that regard. Everything feels different, but Donghyuck's presence in Jaemin's mind is as constant as the turn of night into day. In just a few hours, Jaemin will see him. The thought makes Jaemin's stomach twist, his heart pound. He's not sure if it's excitement or terror. Whatever it is, he wants to chase it away.

So maybe he’s still a coward. Maybe some things stay the same.

Jaemin sighs, sits up and runs a hand through his hair. His fingers catch in tangles and he grimaces. He looks across his bedroom to see if he’s unpacked his hairbrush yet, but the top of the dresser where he usually leaves it is barren. It’s still in one of the suitcases, then. 

Jaemin pushes off his bed and crawls on his knees to his bags, rummages through his things until he produces the brush from where it’d been buried. He runs the brush through his hair once to clear the tangles out, a second time because the motion is soothing and Jaemin feels like he needs it now that he’s slowly turning into little more than a bundle of nerves. He can’t justify a third time, so he sets the brush down and leans forward on his hands, focuses on the feeling of the carpet pressing little dents into his palms. 

A distraction- he needs a distraction. The scattered suitcases spilling clothing all across his floor suggest themselves, so he gets to work. Sorting and folding, tossing anything that doesn’t smell quite right into the corner of his room: it passes the time, keeps him occupied so he doesn’t have too much time to think about anything else. About any one else.

But soon enough the work is done, his things are off the floor and put back in the places he’d taken them from a year ago. It almost looks like he’d never left. Almost, because Jaemin has brought new things home with him, because he’s lost things that had been here before. Almost, because nothing can truly stay the same as time passes.

Time passes, and Jaemin looks to the digital clock across the room, flashing the hour in bright blue numbers. It’s finally nearing the time Renjun had texted to say his welcome home get-together would be. Jaemin stands and finds his phone to make sure there are no messages about plans changing. When he unlocks it to nothing, he lets out a little breath and then pads across the carpet towards his bedroom door. It doesn’t creak when he pulls it open, and he hadn’t realized how much he’d missed that silence. 

Down the hall and into the bathroom, he finds there are more than a few things about home he hadn’t realized he missed so much: the clean shower, spacious and stocked with all his usual products, the large, soft towels folded in the mirrored cupboard, the stain-free bath mat on the floor. These are just things though. He knows after he’s showered away the feeling of the airplane and gotten to Renjun’s apartment, he’ll find the people he’s missed more than anything.

In the shower, hot water melts away tension stored in Jaemin’s shoulders, and his skin and hair foam with soap as he scrubs himself clean. When he steps out some odd number of minutes later, he feels like he’s finally awakened from a dream. All traces of the past year seem to have been washed away from him just like that. He dries off and puts on fresh clothes and he’s standing with dripping hair in his bedroom, in his home, and on the outside it looks like he was never gone. 

But… no. As soon as he has the thought that this could pass as any other day, he realizes it’s not true at all. If he hadn’t been gone so long, there would be strange things scattered around his room right now. Something Jeno had forgotten, a pen or two of Renjun’s that Jaemin had not stolen, but acquired , a bin or stack of books knocked slightly out of place by Mark - no matter what it was, it was proof that the room was lived in, not only by Jaemin, but by his closest friends as well. 

And what he misses most of all are the small but certain signs of Donghyuck. In any corner of his room there used to be things of Donghyuck’s that he’d brought over and left . Jaemin knew he didn’t forget things like Jeno, because there was never a moment of surprise when he saw them again. Donghyuck had known what he was doing every time something of his stayed in Jaemin’s room longer than Donghyuck himself did. Jaemin had known too. He’d figured that was enough. Neither of them had to say anything if they both knew.

Jaemin wonders how much of what he feels now - has been feeling for over a year now - could have been avoided if he’d ever just sat down with Donghyuck and talked to him outright. Not that they didn’t talk, hell, they talked constantly. They never talked about the things that mattered just enough to be scary, though. They never talked about the things it seemed they were both too scared to put words to. 

But they’d been scared because it had mattered. Because it mattered, they hadn’t wanted to screw things up. But by not saying anything, Jaemin thinks maybe they screwed things up even worse.

Jaemin towels down his hair and wonders if it’s too late now. He wonders if there are things Donghyuck hadn’t talked about with him while he’d been away. He wonders just how many things have gone unsaid between the two of them in all the time they’ve been tripping across a tightrope together. He wonders and his brain gets so loud he has to sit down and hold his head in his hands as if that will make everything quieter. Easier. 

When his phone starts buzzing on the dresser to let him know the alarm he’d set is going off, Jaemin lifts his head and pushes himself to his feet. He crosses the room to turn off the alarm, then leaves the room altogether. After making sure his parents still remember where he’s going and thanking them for letting him head out to be with his friends instead of forcing some kind of family dinner, Jaemin is out the door to find that the rain has faded to a faint mist.

Just like that, he’s on his way to Renjun’s. In only a handful of minutes, he’ll finally get to see his friends in person again. One year and two weeks. He’ll finally see Donghyuck.

“I’m leaving.” Jaemin is looking at his hands when he says it. 

Donghyuck slows to match Jaemin’s pace as his footsteps falter. “What’d you mean? You’re gonna ditch me here on the side of the road?”

“No.” Jaemin’s breath catches and he swallows hard, kicks a pebble with the toe of his sneaker. “I mean… I’m leaving home.”

“What?” Donghyuck’s voice is notably softer, still tinged with confusion. “Are you moving out or something?”

Jaemin shakes his head. Why are the words so hard to get out? He chances a glance at Donghyuck, finds eyes already watching him. He looks down to his feet so he doesn’t miss a step. “I applied for a program at another college.”

“Oh.” Donghyuck’s pace slows further. “Like a summer thing?”

“Yeah,” Jaemin says, “but after summer it runs through the school year too.”

“Oh.” 

When Jaemin glances at Donghyuck again, he’s looking away. Donghyuck’s eyes are glued on the road ahead, and Jaemin feels like it’s growing increasingly difficult to breathe. “I didn’t think I would get in...but… I just heard that I did.”

“Figures,” Donghyuck nods, “since you’re bringing it up.”

“Right.”

There’s a long pause, and the silence feels stilted like Jaemin isn’t used to. 

“So I guess I won’t see you on campus next year.”

Jaemin nods.

“You’ll be getting busy soon too, right?” Donghyuck’s voice sounds wrong. It’s too light- something forced. “When’s it start?”

“I fly out in two weeks.”

Donghyuck freezes. “Fly?”

Jaemin stops and turns so fast he almost hurts himself. All of a sudden he can’t look anywhere but Donghyuck. It’s like watching a sinking ship- so devastating he can’t look away. Donghyuck looks like Jaemin has just slapped him, and Jaemin thinks maybe he has.

“It’s far enough you have to fly?” Donghyuck’s voice is small. He won’t meet Jaemin’s eyes more than a moment. 

“It’s… yeah. It’s out of country.” Jaemin’s voice is just as weak as Donghyuck’s.

“Are you... gonna visit at all?”

Jaemin shakes his head and hates it.  “I’ll be gone for the whole year.”

Donghyuck doesn’t crumble. He looks at Jaemin like he needs to make sure this isn’t a cruel joke. He finds honest pain in Jaemin’s eyes, and looks away again. He doesn’t crumble- just sags. Deflates. Most days he shines in the sun, but now the light has left him. “Oh.” 

Silence swallows them again. Jaemin doesn’t know what there is for him to say. Sorry? What does this mean for us? Nothing feels right.

“I’m happy for you,” Donghyuck says. His smile doesn’t reach his eyes. 

Jaemin smiles back and he’s sure his doesn’t either. “Thanks.”

“So basically no summer break for you, then?” Donghyuck shoves his hands in his pockets, kicks at pebbles on the street.

“Not really.” It comes out as a nervous laugh. 

“That sucks,” Donghyuck says, low enough that Jaemin isn’t sure it was meant for him. Louder, “Have you started packing?”

“Kinda.” Jaemin doesn’t know how to say he’s been scared to pack. Scared to do anything that would make it real . As much as he’s excited for the opportunity, the weight of everything he has to leave behind is greater than he’d anticipated. It’s his home, his university, his family, his friends. It’s Donghyuck. 

“Your dad is gonna get on you about that soon, man.”

Jaemin figures it’s better not to say that his dad already has. He just nods. 

Silence swoops back down on them like a bird in the wind, circling prey. It hadn’t been like this with Jeno. With Renjun or Mark. That had been unrestrained, every thought out in the open. This feels like fighting back a tidal wave. This feels like there’s too much to lose.

“Two weeks, huh?” Donghyuck’s face is shifting like the wind blowing through his hair. His eyes are swimming with possibility. Jaemin knows that means he’s thinking. 

“Two weeks,” Jaemin confirms.

Donghyuck steps forward, closes the distance that had grown between them without Jaemin noticing until it was too late to stop. He tugs his hands out of his pockets and extends one to Jaemin. “We’ve got a countdown, then. Why waste anymore time?”

Jaemin takes his hand without thinking. He stares. 

“Wanna see how much we can do before time’s up?” Donghyuck’s face has settled, calmed with certainty. His eyes shine in the sun. (Not in the way Jaemin is used to, but it’s not his place to comment.)

Before time’s up . Jaemin doesn’t want to ask what exactly Donghyuck means by that. What he wants to say is yes. I want to do any and everything with you. I wish there wasn’t a clock running down on this. But he can’t say that. 

Instead, Jaemin smiles because Donghyuck still wants to spend time with him. As much time as possible. Jaemin smiles and he nods. “Yeah. Let’s do it.”

Jaemin puts the car in park and pulls the keys from the ignition. He drags in a deep breath and lets it out again. Rain is still drizzling outside, but he can run to Renjun’s building in no time. It’s not the rain he’s pausing for. He’s had the whole drive to get himself ready for this. The whole drive and the whole last year. He can do this. 

Jaemin opens the car door and slides out. He locks it and clutches the key tight enough to leave ren indents in his palm. He can do this. 

He jogs through the rain and into Renjun’s building. He walks up the stairs until he reaches Renjun’s floor. He knocks on Renjun’s door. When it opens, Jeno is grinning so wide it makes Jaemin want to smile too.

“Long time no see!” Jeno throws an arm around Jaemin and tugs him into the apartment, kicking the door shut behind him. “Guess who finally showed up,” he calls out into the other room. 

Jaemin hears quick footsteps as he kicks off his shoes, and looks up to see Renjun skid into view. 

“Jaemin!” Renjun crosses the floor in an instant, more visibly excited to see Jaemin than he usually lets on. 

Jeno lets his arm fall from around Jaemin just in time for Renjun’s to take its place. Jaemin laughs and wraps his arms around Renjun as his momentum slides them back a step. “I missed you too,” he says, knocking his head lightly against Renjun’s. 

Renjun huffs a bit, but doesn’t pull away. Jaemin grins wider. “I should leave more often if this is the welcome I get,” he jokes.

Renjun knees him. “Don’t you dare.” 

The curl of Jaemin’s lips softens to something easy and fond. He’s missed this. 

When Renjun pulls away after a long, warm moment, he’s got a small smile on his face. His eyes are a kind of gentle Jaemin doesn’t see too often. “Welcome home,” he says. “I like your hair. You look like you’re ready for summer.”

Jaemin’s cheeks hurt. A good kind of hurt. “Thanks. I am.” 

Jeno throws an arm over Jaemin’s shoulder again and tugs him along after Renjun. “Chenle is having a sleepover with Jisung tonight so we get the place to ourselves.” Renjun and Jeno exchange a weighted look and Jaemin wonders if he’ll get to hear about that development at all tonight. “Mark and Hyuck aren’t here yet, but they should show up soon.” The trio make it to the main room. “That means you get dibs on whichever couch spot you want. And you can snag whatever food you want before they show up.”

Jaemin makes an appreciative ooo-ing sound. “What do you have?”

Renjun waves his arms at the small table pushed up against the wall. There’s a large spread with many of Jaemin’s favorite foods and snacks, as well as things his friends prefer. A happy warmth blooms and unfurls in his chest. He’s missed his friends so much. “Man, I should have brought over some tupperware,” he says with a grin.

Renjun rolls his eyes. Jeno laughs. 

“I guess I’ll just have to come over again soon.”

Renjun plays indifferent, but the corner of his lips turn up. Jaemin counts it as a win, and swipes himself a bite off the table. “So what have you been up to that I haven’t already heard about?” Jaemin asks through a mouthful. Renjun feigns a kick at him for the offence, and Jaemin jumps away, throws himself over the back of the couch.

He swallows the food and pops his head over the couch arm to see light glinting in Renjun’s eyes. To someone else, he might look annoyed, but Jaemin knows better. Jeno snickers from just behind Jaemin, and he knows Jeno can tell too. Renjun is happy. 

And if Renjun is happy, and Jeno is happy too… well then Jaemin can’t help the sparkling laughter bubbling up inside of him. He forgets to be nervous about Donghyuck’s arrival and loses his nerves to the easy joy of being around his friends.

It’s fun- recounting stories and listening to simple chatter with Renjun and Jeno. Jaemin stops registering the passage of time. It’s a shock to him, then, when a knocking on the door cuts through the conversation. He goes stiff without meaning to.

“Coming!” Renjun calls. “That must be them,” he says to the two on the couch as he stands to get the door.

“Finally!” Jeno leans back against the cushions and tilts his head to see over the couch so he can watch Renjun’s progress.

Jaemin hears the click of the door open, the shuffle of shoes. “He beat us here?” Mark’s voice carries to Jaemin’s ears. 

“On the couch,” he hears Renjun answer. 

There’s more shuffling and then footsteps on the floor. “Jaemin! Man it feels like it’s been forever!” Mark rounds the couch and does a double take at Jaemin’s hair. “Woah. That is super pink.”

“Don’t be rude,” Renjun jokes.

Mark tints pink himself. “What?” He shoots a flustered look Renjun’s way. “I wasn’t being rude!” He turns back to Jaemin. “I wasn’t being rude! I like it.”

“Don’t tease him, Renjun,” Jeno chides, trying to hide his amusement.

Jaemin snorts. He pushes himself up from the couch and tugs Mark into his side. “I know,” he says. “You’re fine.”

Mark sighs with relief and claps Jaemin’s shoulder. “Cool. I missed you, dude.” Then, again, “I really do like it!”

Jaemin laughs through his nose and shakes his head. “Got it. Thanks.” Mark makes a very Mark face, and Jaemin can’t fight the smile it draws out of him. “I missed you too,” he says.

Marks teeth peek out as he smiles at the admission. 

“You’re gonna make him go all sappy,” Renjun warns.

“Shut up,” Mark whines, turning his attention to Renjun. Jaemin shares a glance with Jeno. Poor Mark , they’re both thinking, it’s like he wants to set himself up for teasing . 

“I’m gonna get more food,” Jeno announces as Renjun and Mark continue their harmless banter in the background. Jeno climbs over the back of the couch and sits at the table with his back to Jaemin, and Jaemin realizes what’s happening a moment too late.

“Hey.” 

Jaemin’s heart drops right to his feet. His head turns towards the voice of its own volition. His eyes crawl over the couch and into the small hallway by the door, where they land on an achingly familiar figure. 

“Donghyuck,” he breathes. And Jaemin is moving around the couch and towards Donghyuck before he’s even said his whole name. Jaemin is magnetized. All he wants is to be close to Donghyuck. He’s crossed the floor and come to a stop in front of Donghyuck without thinking, without hesitating. “Hey.”

Donghyuck’s cheeks dimple. He opens his arms and Jaemin closes the rest of the distance between them. Donghyuck’s shirt is damp from the light rain outside, but his body is warm under it. As Donghyuck loops his arms around Jaemin’s neck, Jaemin doesn’t mind the dampness at all. Chest pressed to chest, Jaemin wraps his arms around Donghyuck’s middle and holds him as tight as he dares. 

Jaemin settles his chin on the junction of Donghyuck’s shoulder and feels Donghyuck’s jaw press against his cheek. He squeezes Donghyuck’s middle once to assure himself that Donghyuck is indeed solid and right there with him, and feels the arms looped around his shoulders tighten too. He smiles for no one but the wall to see. Jaemin doesn’t pull back, and neither does Donghyuck. He melts against Donghyuck and feels tension drain from his body like the slow-falling rain outside. What was he so worried about?

“You’re home,” Donghyuck whispers, thumb rubbing against the fabric of Jaemin’s shirt, just a hint of its warmth seeping through to Jaemin’s shoulder. 

“Yeah.” For a moment, Jaemin closes his eyes. He wishes they could just stay like this. Stay close, connected again after so much time apart. But someone coughs - sounds like they’re hacking up a lung, really - and Jaemin is brought back to the present. He and Donghyuck aren’t the only ones in this room, so he loosens his grip and pulls away. His arms swing as they fall back to his own sides.

“You good, Mark?” Jeno is asking as Renjun smacks Mark’s back in an attempt to help him stop choking. Probably . 

Jaemin meets Donghyuck’s bright eyes for a beat before they both turn to see if Mark is actually dying or just being himself.

“Yeah,” Mark wheezes after a moment. “Just too much chip in one go.” He sits down, looking pale, and everyone continues on. 

Jaemin hops the back of the couch and settles into the cushions again, leaves an open space on both sides of himself so Donghyuck can sit too if he wishes. A second later, Donghyuck rounds the couch and takes a seat to Jaemin’s left. He doesn’t say anything, but his thigh presses against Jaemin’s, and their arms brush. 

“Are you sure you’re twenty and not two?” Jeno asks as he moves away from the table, both fists full of food. 

Mark gives him a weary look. “I wish I was two again.”

Renjun raises his plastic cup of water. “I’ll fucking drink to that.”

Mark knocks his cut against Renjun’s in a lame toast and everyone dissolves into embarrassed laughter. Jaemin feels very warm, like he’s curled up in a beam of sunlight even though the sky outside is a weak, cloudy blue. He’s missed this.

Time passes strangely when Jaemin is with his friends. Half their moments together seem to fly by like water rushing down a river, while others run long like strips of thick taffy being pulled thin. This evening is a mix of both, but Jaemin cherishes them all just the same. He’s with his friends, and he’s happy.

But, “Hey, can you grab me a cookie too?” Donghyuck asks Mark as he makes what must be his hundredth pass at the snack table.

“Sure.” Mark stacks three cookies in one hand, puts a fourth right into his mouth like he hadn’t learned at all from his choking incident earlier. When he comes back around to reclaim his spot on the floor next to Renjun’s armchair, he holds out a hand so Donghyuck can pluck the top cookie for himself.

“Thanks, babe,” Donghyuck says.

Jaemin goes stock still, freezes like he’s been trapped in ice.

Mark makes an indistinguishable noise around the cookie in his mouth and sits down again like nothing has happened. 

Jaemin’s eyes lose focus as he stares straight ahead and tries to convince himself he’s just heard wrong. To his left, Donghyuck takes a big bite out of the cookie he’s just grabbed. To Jaemin’s right, Jeno seems to feel Jaemin stiffen, because he shifts, leaning forward and dropping a hand on Jaemin’s knee to bring him back to the present. 

Jeno has a placating grin on his face when he says, “You really just say things, don’t you Hyuck.”

Donghyuck shrugs. “Whaya mean?” Cookie crumbs sprinkle out of his mouth as he speaks.

“I mean if you get used to jokingly calling all of us babe when we’re together, eventually you’re gonna do it in front of like, your mom or someone who doesn’t know you’re not serious. Then what? You’ll give someone a heart attack or something.”

Jeno doesn’t look at Jaemin at all when he says this, but Renjun’s eyes snap from his bowl of chips right to Jaemin. His lips part in a small o as he seems to grasp the situation, and Jaemin suddenly becomes very interested in his hands so he doesn’t have to watch Renjun watch him. He’d forgotten just what it felt like to be read so easily by the pair. Maybe they’ve figured out more than Jaemin had given them credit for.

Mark brushes crumbs off his lap from where he sits on the floor. “I think it’s a losing battle, man. It’s too late. I’ve given up trying to get him to stop.”

 “So what’s he gonna do when he finally dates someone?” Renjun asks.

“ If he dates,” Mark says.

At the same time, Donghyuck says, “I think honeybun would be funny.” This is followed immediately by, “Mark, you know I could literally kill you with my bare hands.”

“Oh I’d like to see you try,” Renjun says.

“I can arrange it.” Donghyuck sounds entirely serious.

Just like that, Jaemin unfreezes and leans back against the couch again, relaxing his tensed muscles. Donghyuck just said babe because he’s Donghyuck and he does what he wants, he’s just teasing. He’s a gemini . There’s nothing going on with Mark, they bicker just like they have all these years. Donghyuck’s just found a new way of teasing him - and the others, going off Jeno’s comment. 

It’s fine. Jaemin did not freak out at the thought that Donghyuck and Mark had started dating without telling him while he was away. He’s fine. Everything is fine. 

Still, there’s an edge of nerves that clings to him until much further into the night. 

“We should watch a movie,” Jeno suggests some time later when the jet-lag has caught up to Jaemin and left his limbs heavy and his body a permanent fixture on the couch. 

“Are you planning on sleeping over?” Renjun asks.

Jeno blinks innocently at him. “Were you not expecting us to?”

“Yeah… were you not?” Mark asks with wide eyes.

“Seriously,” Donghyuck laughs, “I don’t think you can get Jaemin out of here even if you try. He’s basically asleep already.”

“Am not,” Jaemin protests. Even as the words leave his lips - almost clumsy enough to be a mumble - Jaemin curls to the side, lets his head drop onto Donghyuck’s shoulder. 

Renjun laughs, defeated. “Yeah. Don’t worry, I knew this would happen. Hoped maybe I’d be surprised, but you guys are too predictable.”

Jeno flashes him a winning smile. “Love you, man.”

Renjun looks away, clearly losing the fight against the smile trying to grow on his lips. “Pick whatever movie you want. I’ll get blankets.” 

“Is deflecting a love language?” Mark asks, already shimmying into a more comfortable position on the ground. One of the pillows from Renjun’s lounge chair has ended up in his arms. 

“That was very clearly acts of service,” Jeno says. “And I think that’s sexy.”

“I’m gonna throw up,” Donghyuck says. 

Jaemin signs and gives up on trying to keep his eyes open. He snuggles closer to Donghyuck and lets the room fall into darkness around him.

“Oh yeah? Well which love language do you think is best?” Jeno asks. 

Jaemin hears the sound of Mark laughing and knows exactly what the scene must look like even without seeing it. “As if it’s not obvious,” Mark says, voice still warped by laughter in that annoyingly cute way of his. 

“Hey,” Jeno protests, “I can tell you from experience that love languages aren’t always obvious!”

Mark keeps laughing. “Yeah, but Hyuck ? Just look at him! What could it be if not physical touch?”

“Hey!” Now it’s Donghyuck’s turn to whine. He shifts beside Jaemin and Jaemin ends up slumping over him even more. “You can’t just assume that!”

“Oh yeah?” It’s Renjun’s voice. He must be back with the blankets. “Well, is he wrong?”

Donghyuck goes quiet. He settles back against the couch and his hand brushes against Jaemin’s. Jaemin wants to thread their fingers together, but he stays still. He’s listening. “No,” Donghyuck finally says. 

“Ha! I knew it!” Mark sounds pleased. His exclamation is followed quickly by the sound of blankets hitting something solid, and a small thump. 

“Congrats,” Renjun says. “You’re a genius.”

“Is anti words of affirmation a thing?” Mark asks, voice muffled like he’s been buried under something.

“I don’t think so,” Jeno says. “There’s just Renjun.” 

Another small thump. “It’s a good thing!” Jeno says, sounding muffled too. 

“Sure,” Donghyuck snickers. 

Jaemin braces himself for a blanket to be tossed at them too, but nothing hits him. Instead, a small weight lands gently on his lap.

“You’d better thank your human shield, Hyuck,” Renjun says.

Donghyuck shifts to tuck the blanket around himself and Jaemin, and when Jaemin curls up smaller to make sure it fits over him, Donghyuck’s chest shakes with light laughter. “Thanks, baby,” he says softly, lips near enough to Jaemin’s face that he can feel the faint warmth of Donghyuck’s breath. 

Jaemin is suddenly grateful for his own exhaustion- it helps him stay still as stone when Donghyuck leans his head against Jaemin’s, and slips their hands together under the blanket. Jaemin’s fingers twitch as Donghyuck’s wrap around them, but other than that, he thinks he holds it together pretty well.

Mark and Jeno pick a movie together, and Renjun starts it. The volume is lower than usual, and Jaemin realizes it must be their way of helping him sleep off the time difference. His lips tick up and he lets himself go the rest of the way. He sags completely into Donghyuck and lets out a deep breath. He’ll be asleep in no time.

“I like your hair,” Donghyuck whispers as the movie plays in the background. Jaemin is so close to sleep that he doesn’t react at all, but he feels warmer at the words. And later, if he hears a soft I like you, from Donghyuck too… well, he must already be sleeping after all. At least it’s a nice dream.

Late summer, just before the first semester of college starts. Everyone’s at Donghyuck’s house. Jaemin and Jeno’s parents have even tagged along to chat with Donghyuck’s, and Renjun has brought his roommate Chenle, who in turn has brought his school friend, Jisung. It’s free bonding , he’d said. No one had questioned it. 

The house is crowded, even with Donghyuck’s siblings gone off doing their own things, so the boys spill out into the backyard. The grass is green, faded in spots where it’s well-travelled. There’s a small vegetable garden off to one side, an old hammock strung between trees on the other, a few weeds scattered throughout. All of this lies past the patio, which the boys pass over so as not to disrupt any of Donghyuck’s siblings’ things where they seem to have made their homes.

Donghyuck apologizes for the mess, but doesn’t make any move to clean it up. Instead, he points to plastic chairs that can be placed on the yard if anyone doesn’t want to sit on the grass. A few are picked up and carried out, but Jaemin thinks the grass doesn’t look so bad. He walks to a nice spot and plops down, claiming it for himself. In no time at all, Donghyuck has claimed the spot right beside him. 

Jaemin leans back on his hands, aware of how close his fingers are to brushing against Donghyuck’s. He surveys the crowd. “It feels so strange to look up to you,” he says to Renjun, teasing clear in his voice. 

Renjun feigns a glare. “I’m a good role model,” he shrugs.

From the grass, Mark tries and fails to muffle a snort, and earns himself a true glare for his troubles.

“If they start fighting for real, let’s sneak back inside,” Chenle stage whispers to Jisung. 

Jisung presses his lips together to suppress a nervous smile when Renjun’s sharp eyes land on Chenle, and on him by association. He taps the arm of his chair, then the arm of Chenle’s, turns his head to the side and actually whispers something. Jaemin can’t hear what it is, but as soon as Jisung turns back to face the group again, his cheeks seem to be pinker than before, and Chenle is grinning about as wide as is possible. 

“Sorry to interrupt,” he says, raising his hands to show he means no offense. “Please continue.”

Donghyuck’s arm brushes against Jaemin’s as he shakes with silent laughter at the way Renjun and Mark go right back into it, keeping Chenle, Jisung, and Jeno as a deeply invested audience. 

“Remember back before Chenle got here, when Mark wanted to room with Renjun so he wouldn’t get another shitty school-assigned roommate in the student housing?” Donghyuck says, voice low and just for Jaemin to hear.

Jaemin holds back a snicker. “God, yeah. They would’ve burned the place down before midterms.”

Donghyuck nods, shoulders shaking and brushing against Jaemin’s again. “Thank fuck for Chenle. Literally came down from the sky like an angel and saved both their lives without realizing it.”

“You know Lucifer is the angel that fell to Earth right?” Jaemin says. “That’s basically just a roundabout way of calling Chenle the devil.”

“Well,” Donghyuck hums, “he’s multifaceted.”

Jaemin laughs and knocks against Donghyuck’s side. Donghyuck laughs too, doesn’t move away even though Jaemin is leaning in his space. The grass is cool underneath them, but the air around them is warm. Jaemin likes it right here, just like this. He could stay here forever.

Jeno draws them back into the conversation and then it’s not just them laughing together, but everyone in on the same joke. The sun moves across the sky, conversation shifts with it. The boys cycle through the house in groups to retrieve food to eat out on the grass. During one of the trips, Jeno gets caught by his parents and sucked into a discussion with the adults. Mark, the brave soul, stays with him for moral support. Jisung announces he needs to leave not long after, and Chenle says he’ll go with him. Renjun walks back through the house with them to make sure Chenle knows how he’ll be getting home, and Donghyuck tags along to show them out like a proper host , he claims. 

Jaemin finds himself alone in the backyard. 

With the day creeping closer to dusk, the grass begins to get dewy. Jaemin pushes himself to his feet and checks the green-stained indents in his palms from the grass. His shorts are just shy of damp, but they don’t seem to be dirty from the ground. He brushes off his legs anyway, and looks around. He could go back inside, but the risk of getting sucked into whatever his parents are discussing with the rest of them is too high. He can’t sneak past that crowd on his own.

So his eyes turn to the hammock, and he figures laying in that must be even nicer than creeping up to Donghyuck’s room. Just under ten steps takes him to it, and he slumps onto the netting with as little grace as he pleases, since no one is outside to see. Immediately, the hammock begins to rock a bit, a bit more when he wriggles to find the most comfortable position. When he settles, the rocking peters out. 

Jaemin throws an arm over the edge to push against the ground and get the hammock swinging again, then draws his hands to his chest, folding them together. He looks up at the sky: deep blue, swirling pink and gold at the edges. The clouds are whisper thin and float lazily along overhead. The moon is already out, half-crescent and bright against the darkening sky.

Jaemin rocks back and forth, watching the sky, listening to the sound of crickets calling for twilight to come. The swinging slows, but Jaemin makes no move to push the hammock again. He’s calm, content, and he hears the back door creak open and click shut. He glances across the yard, sees Donghyuck faintly backlit by the lights that have been turned on inside the house. It’s not yet dark, but he glows.

Smiling, Jaemin looks back to the purpling blue expanse overhead. The grass seems to sigh underfoot as Donghyuck walks across the yard. The hammock is barely moving at all when Donghyuck comes to a stop beside it. 

“Care for company?” Donghyuck asks. His voice is low, but it seems loud in the still air.

“It’ll be a tight squeeze,” Jaemin says, tilting his head to meet Donghyuck’s eyes. From someone else it might sound like a veiled no , but Jaemin can tell Donghyuck knows that’s not how he means it.

“I’m an expert on this hammock,” Donghyuck says, grinning. “We can make it work.” And then he’s placing a balancing hand right by Jaemin’s side and easing himself onto the woven cords. 

The hammock swings to the side, sharp enough that Jaemin worries it might tip them both onto the ground. But before he can act on the fear and jump ship, Donghyuck grabs his hand and squeezes. “We’re good,” Donghyuck assures him, and the anxiety falls away from Jaemin just like that. The hammock swings back towards the house, away again, settling. They stay safe and sound on it, just like Donghyuck promised.

“You know your stuff,” Jaemin says, trying to ignore the way his voice sounds soft and breathless now that Donghyuck is pressed right up against his side, holding his hand tight. 

“It’s been a few years.” Donghyuck’s eyes crinkle at the edges and Jaemin realizes he’s still staring at him. “I know how to tame the beast so it doesn’t drop my ass anymore.”

“You’ve had lots of practice then. Falling, I mean.” Jaemin still can’t seem to tear his eyes away, so he sees Donghyuck’s cheeks dimple and his lips curl as he lets out a small laugh.

Donghyuck turns his head towards Jaemin, eyes leaving the sky to meet Jaemin’s, and Jaemin feels caught. But Donghyuck just smiles. “Now I only fall on purpose… when I feel like it.” He blinks slowly at Jaemin, the silence building a velvety tension in the air before he cuts right through it with a laugh. “I think I have permanent bruising from the practice, though.”

“At least none on your head,” Jaemin says, thankful his voice is even when he speaks.

“I think Mark would disagree.”

“Well, what does Mark know?”

Donghyuck laughs and he radiates the same warmth as the gold spilled across the horizon. Jaemin lets his eyes fall shut so he isn’t blinded. “What does Mark know? Not calculus, for sure.”

Jaemin snorts, bites his lip to keep from laughing for real. The hammock shakes. “Do any of us know calculus?”

“Fair point,” Donghyuck hums. “Calc is stupid anyway.”

“Yeah.”

The conversation slows like the side to side rocking of the hammock. Jaemin is happy to simply listen to the crickets and hold Donghyuck close to him, but as he cracks an eye open at the sky, he remembers the time. He sighs. “It’s gonna get buggy.”

“Not till the sun sets for real,” Donghyuck says without a beat of hesitation. “We have time.” 

Jaemin tries to fight a smile, but he’s not sure he succeeds. 

”Besides, I’ll take the bugs over my dad anyway.” Donghyuck gives Jaemin’s hand a little squeeze. “He was really going on about whatever the hell they’re talking about in there when I left. We could go in at midnight and he’d still be talking as long as someone else was there to hear it.”

“What about the guys?” Jaemin asks, eyes opening fully to find Donghyuck still turned towards him. “Are they still stuck in there?”

“If they are, it’s too late for them. There’s nothing we can do.” Donghyuck’s voice is overly serious, and his gaze drifts into the distance like he’s a character in a war movie, mourning the loss of his comrades.

“You’re too much,” Jaemin says, though his silent laughter shaking the hammock betrays him.

Donghyuck’s eyes focus back on Jaemin and he smiles, small and bright. “You like me anyway.”

Jaemin is grateful for the coming night; even if he blushes, Donghyuck won’t be able to tell. (At least that’s what he must assure himself.)  “Mm,” he hums, not quite answering.

But when he tightens his grip on Donghyuck’s hand just for a moment, lets his eyes shut without moving his head away from Donghyuck’s, that might be answer enough.

Donghyuck says nothing more, so they lay in silence, soaking in the cooling air and the songs of all the little animals crawling out to call to the moon and stars. Twilight fades, and they stay there in the hammock, hand in hand, until the back door squeaks open and Jeno yells that they’ll get bugbites, that Mark and Renjun need new people to bicker with, that they can stargaze together again on their own time thank you very much. 

“All right!” Jaemin laughs. “We’re coming!”

“While we’re still young, please!” And then the door clicks shut again.

Donghyuck’s grip on Jaemin’s hand loosens, so he pulls away, letting Donghyuck maneuver out of the hammock first. 

“If you drop me when you get up…” he warns, only half joking, as Donghyuck throws his legs over the side.

“Don’t worry so much,” Donghyuck says. “I won’t let you fall alone. If this thing is gonna take us down, it’ll take us down together.” He stands up from the hammock and turns back to face Jaemin in once move. The hammock tips, but Donghyuck grabs Jaemin’s hands - both of them this time - and holds him steady so the rocking doesn’t throw him onto the ground. 

Once Jaemin is stable again, he throws his legs over the edge too, and Donghyuck tugs him up to his feet. 

“See?” He smiles, and the moon is just bright enough for Jaemin to see how sweet it is. “I got you.”

Jaemin thinks that if he was an anime character, his eyes might have turned into two big sparkles. He’s not, of course, but the stars are out, and if they’re shining in Donghyuck’s eyes, maybe they’re in his too. That’s close enough for him. “Thanks,” he murmurs.

For a moment, neither of them move. 

“Guys I was serious !” Jeno shouts, this time out the window of Donghyuck’s bedroom. “Any day now!”

Jaemin breaks down into honest to god giggles and Donghyuck is quick to follow. “Coming!” They call up together. 

“You have sixty seconds before I kick out the screen and start throwing shit at you!” Renjun hollars. 

“Fuck you! I said we were coming!” Donghyuck shouts through his laughter. He drops one of Jaemin’s hands but keeps the other tight in his grip, turns and runs inside, dragging Jaemin along with him. 

They make it to his bedroom, breathless and still wheezing, just as Renjun hits count fifty-nine. It’s not a night Jaemin will forget any time soon.

Jaemin wakes up warm. Before he opens his eyes enough to squint at his surroundings, he takes a moment to relish in the warmth. Pressed against his side he can feel the couch cushions, tucked over his back and his legs is the blanket from the night before. The warmth is coming from under him though, and as Jaemin shifts and realizes his movement is somewhat restricted by an arm thrown around his middle, he puts all the pieces of the puzzle together. 

Eyes cracking open, Jaemin sees Donghyuck’s upper half tucked half under him. He sees his own arms: one curled near Donghuck’s neck, the other wrapped around his torso, anchoring him. Donghyuck is still fast asleep, head propped on a throw pillow. It seems like he’d listed to the side overnight and taken Jaemin with him, leaving Jaemin half on top of him and half wedged between him and the couch. 

Maybe Jaemin should move, but Donghyuck is so warm and his arm feels so nice around Jaemin’s middle, and Jaemin figures he’s jetlagged even now, because the curtained windows across the room are barely glowing. It must still be early, so Jaemin decides it’s for the best if he just stays where he is, maybe see if he can fall asleep again. 

He tilts his chin up just enough to take in Donghyuck’s face. At this angle, he looks funny, but Jaemin must be too far gone already because he can’t look away. Donghyuck’s face is smooth with the calm of sleep, his lips pink as ever, and if Jaemin’s eyes aren’t playing trick on him, they’re slightly pouted too. His eyelashes lay long against his cheeks and his eyes twitch beneath the lids every now and then like he’s dreaming. 

Jaemin sighs, small and content. He was so scared yesterday, but here and now just being near Donghyuck seems like the simplest thing in the world. Of course, they still haven’t talked, and there’s still doubt gnawing at Jaemin’s gut, but in this moment, he feels calm. He feels safe and sound and so warm. Summer hasn’t draped sticky and heavy with heat over their corner of the world just yet, so the warmth is welcome after the chill that had persisted through the end of Jaemin’s spring abroad. 

On the floor below the couch, Jaemin can see Mark buried under a thick white duvet, cocooned like he’s going to sprout wings when he wakes and emerges. Jaemin eyes the rest of the room, but can’t seem to find Jeno anywhere. It’s utterly impossible, considering his track record with mornings, that he’s already risen and left whatever spot he fell asleep in, so Jaemin can’t help but wonder where he’d ended up last night. Alas, he is not so deeply moved to find out that he wants to leave the comfort of the couch, so he simply makes note to investigate later and then lets his heavy eyes fall shut again. Some mysteries don’t need to be solved right away. 

As darkness falls around Jaemin again with his closed eyes, he becomes more aware of other things. Namely, the steady rise and fall of Donghyuck’s chest under him, rocking him like waves at the beach, and the slow exhales brushing through Jaemin’s hair. In the stillness, he can feel his hair fluttering against his forehead every now and again. The realization makes him smile. This is how close to Donghyuck he always wants to be. 

He almost drifts off again, lulled by Donghyuck’s breathing, his warmth, his simple presence. But in time, the room starts to glow beyond his lids, and he can tell the sun is rising in earnest, creeping around to shine through Renjun’s south-facing windows. With the sun, he begins to hear the sound of stirring a room away. Fabric moving, quiet footsteps, a door closing softly. Renjun must be awake.

In all the years Jaemin has known Renjun, he has never once understood what compels him to be something as horrifying as an early riser . Renjun insists it’s no big deal, that it’s just what he’s used to and what he likes to do because he enjoys seeing the sun, but Jaemin just doesn’t get it. The same sun is still in the sky at nine in the morning, so what’s the point in waking up at seven? Why give up such precious sleep? Well maybe if you didn’t go to bed at ungodly hours of the night , Renjun would say, but what does he know? Jaemin’s long since given up debating this topic, but still, it baffles him every time.

Soon enough, the sounds of Renjun’s morning grow more pronounced. There’s the flushing of the toilet, water running in the bathroom, and the soft pattering of his feet as he moves through the apartment and into the kitchen. The sink runs and the stops, and the footsteps retreat again. Jaemin hears Renjun’s bedroom door click shut again. 

The disruption of the silence, as quiet as it was, draws two things to Jaemin’s attention. One: he’d never eaten a proper dinner the night before, and his stomach is quite upset about it. Two: he’d fallen asleep without brushing his teeth, and now his mouth is cottony and sour. Resignation becomes a new weight bearing down on Jaemin’s back, nowhere near as enjoyable as Donghyuck’s arm, or the blanket covering them. 

Jaemin sighs. He has to get up and rummage in the bathroom for the spare toothbrushes he knows Renjun and Chenle keep in somewhere in there. And he needs a glass of water because he is beginning to feel absolutely parched thanks to the sound of Renjun filling his own cup. But Jaemin is having a hard time convincing himself to move even now. His limbs feel heavy, stuck to Donghyuck like magnets. He wants to stay with his cheek pressed against Donghyuck’s chest, listen to the faint beat of Donghyuck’s heart a little while longer. 

He tries to push himself up and go. He really does. But… maybe a few more minutes wouldn’t hurt.

When Jaemin finally succumbs to the need to pee, he moves slowly. He pulls his arm back from where it’s wrapped around Donghyuck and uses it to lift up the blanket on top of them. Careful not to disturb Donghyuck as he sleeps, Jaemin swings his legs away from Donghyuck’s, and off of the couch, letting the momentum lift his torso up from Donghyuck’s chest. The hand that had been curled by Donghyuck’s neck moves up to the couch cushion to brace Jaemin as he maneuvers himself the rest of the way off the couch. 

He thinks, privately of course, that he’s just done a bangup job. Donghyuck barely stirs under him, and Jaemin covers him once more with the blanket, hoping he can get more sleep before the others start to wake up too.

Padding across the floor, Jaemin passes Mark and makes his way to the bathroom. He still hasn’t spotted Jeno, but once he gets to the bathroom, he’s more worried about finding toothbrushes. It ends up taking him over ten minutes to get everything done, and by the time he emerges, Renjun has reappeared in the main room. 

“Your phone’s going off,” he says in lieu of good morning .

Jaemin looks at the phone in Renjun’s hand, finding that it is in fact his, and that the screen is lit up. He takes a few quick steps forward and accepts it wordlessly when Renjun hands it to him. It’s his mom; she wants him to come home now since he’s awake. Apparently she didn’t realize Jaemin was going to spend the night (even though Jaemin knows he’d said it might happen) and the only reason she isn’t too upset is because Donghyuck had answered the phone when she’d called last night and told her Jaemin was already asleep and it’d be a shame to wake him when he’s jetlagged . 

Jaemin heaves out a sigh when he sets his phone down on the table, resigned to his fate. “I gotta go,” he says, careful to be quiet so as not to wake the others.

“That’s ass, man,” Renjun says.

“Tell me about it,” Jaemin groans. “Can you tell everyone what happened so they don’t think I just ditched?”

Renjun nods.

Jaemin picks his phone back up again since there’s no use dawdling, and moves down the short hall to get his shoes and car keys. “Let ‘em know I had a good time? I really appreciated it.”

“You can just text the groupchat yourself,” Renjun points out as Jaemin stuffs his feet into his sneakers. 

“Right.” Jaemin straightens up once his shoes are on. “Well… in case they wake up before I get back and can text.”

“Funny,” Renjun says. At the look on Jaemin’s face though, he relents. “Sure, fine. If, by a minor act of some god, they wake up within the next hour, I’ll let them know.”

Jaemin smiles. “Thanks, man.” He turns to the door, then turns right back. “We should do this again. I missed you guys a lot.”

“Yeah, we should,” Renjun agrees. He’s smiling too. “I missed you more than I thought I would.” That means a lot. “I know the guys did too. Even Chenle and Jisung started complaining about it,” he laughs.

Jaemin slaps a hand over his heart. “All I’ve ever wanted is to be complained about.”

“You know that’s not what I meant,” Renjun groans, but it sounds suspiciously like he’s trying to cover up another laugh, soft in the quiet of the apartment. “Now get out of here before your mom starts calling me to kick you to the street.”

“All right, all right.” Jaemin raises his hands in surrender. “I’ll get out of your hair. Thanks again though.”

“No problem,” Renjun waves him off. 

The door clicks shut behind Jaemin as he leaves. He’s heading for his house, but it feels quite like he’s walking directly away from home now. But it’s okay, he knows, because this time he’s not going too far. This time, he’ll be back before he knows it.

Jaemin spends the day catching up with his parents and escaping to the solitude of his bedroom intermittently. He opens the front door to the smell of breakfast, and that’s how they get him. Each meal is spent at the table, and sure, Jaemin had missed his parents while he was away, but by the time the sun sets, he’s more than gotten his fill of them again. 

He plays the jetlag card - not entirely a lie, considering the exhaustion returning to him with a force - and retires to his bathroom to shower and brush his teeth for the night. He cherishes his toothbrush (not a spare stuck in the back of Renjun’s medicine cabinet!) just as much as he cherishes his own bed when he crashes down into it once he’s changed into pajamas. 

“Ah,” he sighs, running his hands up and down the sheets like he’s trying to stay afloat in a pool of blankets, “I’ve missed you.”

The light in his room is off, but his curtains aren’t drawn yet, so the glow of the sky filters down through the trees and bushes that grow just beyond the outer wall of Jaemin’s room, and leaves everything inside looking hazy and dream-like. Jaemin considers getting up to slide the curtains shut and black out the room, but he’s learned to sleep well in near-darkness over the last year, so it’s not worth the effort of dragging himself out of bed and standing. Besides, he’ll probably wake with the sun tomorrow anyway, if his early morning today is anything to go by. 

So Jaemin wriggles under the covers and rolls onto his side, away from the windows. He shuts his eyes, feels himself fall towards sleep like sinking into deep water. He’s almost there when a tap tap tap draws him back to the surface. For a moment, he’s just there, floating. The tap tap tap comes again, and Jaemin opens his eyes. 

The room seems brighter than before now that he’s grown accustomed to the dark, and Jaemin’s gaze drifts to the windows, where moonlight shines in.

It’s by the light of the near-full moon, that Jaemin sees Donghyuck just outside his ground floor window. Anyone else would startle him, but Donghyuck’s done this before- enough times Jaemin has lost count. At first it had scared the pants off him, but he’s long since grown used to it. Maybe it should be strange now, after so much time has passed since he’d last been here, but where Donghyuck’s involved, things don’t always make sense. 

Jaemin shuffles off his bed and walks to the windows. He slides the pane up. Night air washes over him and he shivers. “Hey.” His voice is soft in the darkness.

“Hey.” Donghyuck’s eyes shine under the moon. “Did I wake you up?”

Jaemin shakes his head. “You’re good.”

Donghyuck lets out a breath. “Can I come in?”

“Mhm.” Jaemin leans back and steps away from the window. 

Donghyuck boosts himself on one of the bushes and stuffs himself through the open window, reaching out and steadying himself on Jaemin’s arm as he climbs down to the floor.. Once his balance is solid again, he turns away to close the window. 

Jaemin shivers again, though cool air is no longer sweeping into his bedroom. Donghyuck must notice despite the dark, because he looks to his feet and mumbles an apology.

“It’s okay,” Jaemin says. He doesn’t mind a bit of a breeze in exchange for Donghyuck’s warm presence. 

Donghyuck looks up from his feet, but it’s hard to tell if he’s meeting Jaemin’s eyes in the dark. “Is it okay if I stay here tonight?”

“Course,” Jaemin says. And because he’s a little too tired for his own good, he doesn’t stop there. “Can’t get enough of me?”

It’s a joke, but Donghyuck doesn’t really laugh. He lets out a little huff, and Jaemin wishes he could see Donghyuck’s face a bit better when he says, “I missed you.”

Nighttime makes them honest, doesn’t it?

“I missed you too,” Jaemin says. 

Donghyuck smiles, small. It’s a little sad, but it’s hopeful. Donghyuck bends over to take off his shoes, and he sets them down against the wall. When he rights himself, he takes a step forward.

Jaemin reaches out a hand and tugs Donghyuck closer, towards the bed. “You’re wearing pajamas, right?”

“Will you boot me out if I’m not?”

Jaemin squints at Donghyuck, forgoes answering. He plants a hand right on Donghyuck’s chest to feel the material of his shirt. It’s soft, and there’s faded lettering raised slightly against Jaemin’s fingers. He recognizes the sweatshirt, so Donghyuck’s bottoms must be the matching pair of sweats. “You could’ve just said yes.”

Donghyuck only shrugs, smiling again.

Jaemin draws his hand back, and turns to crawl over to his favorite side of the bed. Donghyuck follows his lead, and snuggles under the blankets when Jaemin lifts them up. The bed makes a small groaning sound as they settle into their spots, and then silence wraps around the room. 

Donghyuck is laying on his side, looking at Jaemin. With the windows to his back, his face is half in shadow. “Can I hug you?” 

Jaemin blinks. His eyes feel heavy. “Yeah,” he murmurs, already curling towards Donghyuck. He lets an arm lay over Donghyuck’s middle as Donghyuck inches closer and wraps an arm around Jaemin, fisting his hand loosely in the fabric of Jaemin’s tee. Their legs knock together and tangle, and Jaemin can no longer remember what the cold air had felt like in front of the window. 

A little bit closer, and Jaemin’s nose would brush against Donghyuck’s. His breath is warm and minty on Jaemin’s cheek. It’s familiar, safe. Jaemin wonders again what he was so worried about. In the calm of night, curled up with Donghyuck, he promises himself that he will talk to Donghyuck tomorrow. They’ll figure this out, together.

For now though, Jaemin sinks into the cushion and sighs as Donghyuck’s thumb brushes back and forth across his middle. Sleep washes over him again, lapping at his mind like ocean waves until the tide has risen enough to pull him all the way under. 

Sunlight cuts a long line across Jaemin’s bedroom wall when he wakes up. He’s shifted onto his back overnight, and blinks up at the white ceiling. Donghyuck’s arm is still thrown loosely over his chest, and he’s gotten closer. One of Donghyuck’s legs is thrown over Jaemin’s, and Donghyuck’s head is pillowed by Jaemin’s shoulder. The length of his body is pressed right up against Jaemin, and he’s so warm that it takes a few silent minutes for Jaemin to realize they’ve kicked off half the blankets.

He can’t see the clock, but it must still be early. Usually the sun is on his bed when he opens his eyes in the morning, and the light is blinding as it bounces off the pale blue top blanket. For now, at least, he can look around without needing to squint against the brightness of the sun. His eyes land on Donghyuck, and really, where else would they?

In the light, he finds that Donghyuck’s pajamas are indeed the matching set of sweats he’d thought they were. Gray and the softest things Jaemin had ever felt when they were new, Donghyuck had bought the set at a general store just over two years ago when they’d all road-tripped to a small historical town a couple hours away from home and spent two days and a night exploring the area together. He’d said it was a trip he didn’t want to forget, and had gotten back into the car last of everyone, a paper bag crinkling in his hands. The name of the town is stamped across the chest of the pullover, and over one pocket of the sweats. 

They’re so worn now they’ve faded and grown thin at the wrists and ankles. Seeing Donghyuck in them fills Jaemin with a buttery warmth. He worms his arm carefully out from under Donghyuck and rests his hand on Donghyuck’s back. He’s radiating heat like a furnace, breathing slow and steady. 

Overwhelmed with feeling, Jaemin shifts his hand from Donghyuck’s back to his hair, brushing through it with his fingers, exposing Donghyuck’s forehead to the morning light. It takes all his strength to fight the urge to press a gentle kiss to Donghyuck’s temple, nearly glowing in the sun. He contents himself with simply continuing to comb through Donghyuck’s hair- soft and fluffy like he’d just washed it the night before. 

Jaemin’s mind wanders. Had Donghyuck waited long in his own room, his own bed, before deciding he wouldn’t be able to sleep? Had he spent any time wondering if it would still be okay to come over? Had he doubted himself at all? Had he just decided, in between one moment and then next, that he wanted to see Jaemin? Had he been thinking about it for a while before doing anything? Is there anything else he’s been thinking about, but keeping to himself? What does he want to say, but holds back?

Jaemin loses track of time, eyes focused on Donghyuck’s sleep-calm face, he doesn’t notice the sun creeping down the wall and towards his bed. There’s one thought louder than the rest, repeating like an echo. It’s one that has made a home inside his head, has lived there now for close to two years.

Does he feel the same? 

What does Donghyuck want? Jaemin sets his mind and steels his nerves. He’d promised himself he wouldn’t wait any longer, wouldn’t be a coward anymore. Since he’s finally sure of what he wants, it’s time to let Donghyuck know. This is a dance for two, he knows. If he has to take the first step, he will.

Jaemin gets so lost in his own head, he doesn’t notice Donghyuck has woken up until he hears a small, happy exhale. It’s almost a laugh.

“You’re still here,” Donghyuck mumbles, voice thick with sleep.

Jaemin’s hand stills in Donghyuck’s hair. His eyes refocus and land on Donghyuck’s. “Mm,” he nods, trying to calm the spike in his heart rate. “This is my bed.”

“Right.” Donghyuck blinks slowly at him, making no move to shift his head off of Jaemin - or any of his other limbs, for that matter. “You were gone when I woke up yesterday.” His lips almost make a small pout. 

“Yeah.” Jaemin frowns. “I didn’t want to be.”

Donghyuck just hums, any trace of a pout disappearing. “I’m glad you’re here.”

Jaemin’s frown melts away. “Shouldn’t I be saying that to you ?”

“Are you glad I’m here?” Donghyuck asks.

Jaemin smiles. It feels like Donghyuck is the only thing in the world. “Yeah.”

“Then I think you should tell me.” Donghyuck grins like he’s teasing, but it’s softer than usual.

“I’m glad you’re here,” Jaemin echoes. 

Donghyuck’s grin turns to a shy smile. He looks like he wasn’t quite expecting Jaemin to actually say it. “You got good at hair combing while you were gone.” He looks away as the words leave his mouth.

“I lost my brush a lot,” Jaemin admits.

Donghyuck shakes against Jaemin as silent laughter bubbles in his chest. He doesn’t say anything for a long moment, and the time in Jaemin’s room runs thick and syrupy. “I’m so glad you’re back now,” Donghyuck finally whispers, pushing back at the warm silence without shattering it.

“So am I,” Jaemin says, just as quiet.

The arm Donghyuck has wrapped around Jaemin tightens before going lax again. “You’re not planning on leaving again any time soon, right?”

“No.” It’s an easy answer. “I just wanna be home. I missed this too much. ”

“Me too,” Donghyuck says. It must be a slip of the tongue, too honest, because he makes a little coughing sound and looks up at Jaemin with surprise in his eyes. “I mean- I love it here, too.”

Jaemin doesn’t press, but it makes him think.

Everything feels softer in the golden morning glow. Donghyuck is right here, warm and open, calmed by the sleep still clinging to him. All Jaemin has to do is finally say what he’s been too scared to admit all this time. If he can’t do it now, will he ever be able to? 

He’d promised himself he’d do this. He won’t run from the fear that things could go wrong- not anymore.

Now, in the safety of his bedroom, his bed, the words seem to come to him freely. “Hey, Hyuck?”

“Yeah?”

Jaemin takes a breath. “There was something I wanted to tell you before I left.”

Donghyuck goes very still against him. “Yeah?”

“I…” Jaemin tries to meet Donghyuck’s eyes, but he can’t quite do it. “I like you. Want to be with you,” he rushes out. “Like… boyfriend. Your boyfriend. Officially.” He still can’t meet Donghyuck’s eyes, but he can see his face going slack with surprise. “If that’s what you want too. And if you…” he can’t bring himself to say if you don’t feel the same . “I just don’t like not knowing what we are. I wanted to ask before I left, but I was too scared.”

Donghyuck doesn’t say anything. Jaemin’s whole body tenses, but Donghyuck isn’t moving away. Jaemin forces himself to meet Donghyuck’s eyes. 

The sight sends something like lightning straight through Jaemin’s body, frying his brain. Donghyuck’s eyes are shining, really shining . Morning light dances across Donghyuck’s face and he looks so beautiful it hurts. His eyes are shining, and this could either be good or very, very bad. 

“I don’t know what that look means,” Jaemin whispers, helpless.

“I love you,” Donghyuck says. 

Lightning strikes Jaemin again. He feels electric. His lips part, but no sound comes out.

“I’m in love with you, Jaemin. I have been.” Donghyuck disentangles himself from Jaemin enough to sit up. Jaemin shifts his weight onto his elbows and sits up too.

Tentative, he offers a hand out for Donghyuck to hold. “For real?”

Donghyuck takes his hand, nods without hesitation. 

Jaemin lets out a breath, and all the weight that had been on his chest falls away just like that. “I’m in love with you ,” he says, disbelieving. Had it really been this simple all along?  

“Really? Really really?” Donghyuck asks, sounding equally incredulous. 

Jaemin nods. “Really. Like, stupid really.” He looks down at their joined hands, then back up to Donghyuck’s face, gorgeous in the sunshine. “I thought it was obvious.”

“ You thought it was obvious? That’s what I thought.” Donghyuck huffs out an exasperated laugh. “God, I literally asked if I could kiss you? More than once!”

“And I said yes!” Jaemin’s voice comes out much louder than he’d expected, and he has to force himself to calm down. He can’t believe this. “Every time!”

“How was I supposed to know you weren’t just putting up with it?” Donghyuck’s eyes have gone wide, like he can’t believe this either.

“How could you think all that was me just putting up with it ?” Jaemin hisses. Now he really can’t believe it. “Who just makes out with their friends?”

The hand Donghyuck doesn’t have wrapped around Jaemin’s goes flying into the air. “You tell me! What did you think I was doing?”

“You said you wanted to know what it was like to kiss a guy!”

“Yeah!” Donghyuck’s voice has gone up an octave. “ A guy. Just one! You!”

Jaemin can’t do anything but sit there and stare at him. Donghyuck stares back. “Are we fucking stupid?” Jaemin asks when he can finally wrap his head around everything.

“I mean, fuck, I guess.” And then Donghyuck laughs, full bodied and so warm it feels like summer has come early. He leans forward, in towards Jaemin, and almost topples into his lap. His free hand shoots out to grip Jaemin’s knee, keeping him upright, but his forehead knocks into Jaemin’s collar anyway. He stays there, shaking with laughter, until it starts to sound thick, almost wet. 

“Hyuck?” Jaemin uses his free hand to lift Donghyuck’s face to where he can see it. He freezes when he finds tears in Donghyuck’s eyes, dripping onto his red cheeks. “What’s-”

Donghyuck shakes his head. “I’m happy, I swear. I promise. Just thinking.” He clears his throat, blinks. Tears gather in his lashes. “I just can’t believe… I mean I cried so hard after I dropped you off at the airport. I didn’t even make it out of the parking garage for half an hour. And I could’ve just told you before you left.” He sniffs once, hard.

Jaemin feels heat in his own eyes. He brushes his thumb across Donghyuck’s cheek. “The whole car ride I was trying to tell you, but I just couldn’t,” he admits. “I cried on the plane. Like, until I fell asleep.”

Donghyuck lets out another wet laugh. “Seriously,” he sighs, “what’s wrong with us.”

Jaemin shakes his head, a small laugh bubbling out of him too. “We’re just a little slow on the uptake. Took the scenic route to get here.”

“Like on the road trip.” Donghyuck smiles, blinking away his tears.

“Exactly. We just got a little lost because someone wasn’t paying enough attention to the map.”

“You know that wasn’t entirely my fault,” Donghyuck says.

Jaemin smiles. “I know.”

“Good. That was definitely on both of us.”

“Definitely,” Jaemin nods.

Donghyuck’s eyes dance across Jaemin’s face, and for a moment, there’s only silence. Jaemin is helpless to do anything but simply admire the curves and colors of Donghyuck’s face until: “God, I want to kiss you so bad,” Donghyuck blurts out.

Jaemin’s mind goes blank. Donghyuck is so close, and Jaemin’s hand is already cupping his cheek. Jaemin starts leaning in without realizing it. One second his eyes are on Donghyuck’s, and the next they’re on his lips. He almost makes it, but at the last second, the one functioning part of his brain screams to remind him what time it is, when the last time he’d brushed his teeth was. He tilts his head to the side and presses a light kiss to the corner of Donghyuck’s mouth, pulls away before Donghyuck can catch him.

Donghyuck pouts - actually does it for real this time - and his lips start to form the word why . 

“Morning breath,” Jaemin answers before he can ask. 

Donghyuck’s eyes go wide. “Shit, right.”

“Let me go brush my teeth.”

“I’ll grab my brush too.” Donghyuck lets Jaemin’s hand go and leaps off the bed. He sinks to his knees near where he’d left his shoes the night before, and Jaemin notices that there’s a small bag there too. He hadn’t even seen it in the dark. “Gonna beat you there,” Donghyuck says, yanking out his toothbrush and taking off towards the bedroom door. He throws it open and escapes into the hall, takes three steps and closes the bathroom door behind himself.

Jaemin sits in stunned silence on his bed. He doesn’t come back to himself until the sound of a door opening again hits him head on. Donghyuck steps into the room and shoots him a disapproving look. “It’s like you don’t even want to make out with me.”

That gets through to Jaemin, and he jumps off the bed and passes quickly by Donghyuck on his way to the bathroom. He brushes his teeth in a daze, almost swallowing the toothpaste instead of spitting it into the sink. He rinses his mouth out and slams his hand against the door handle trying to get it open. He barely feels it.

The door swings open, and Jaemin hasn’t even taken one step out of the bathroom when Donghyuck is just there . One hand takes Jaemin’s, the other wraps around his shoulders and pulls him in. Donghyuck kisses him right in the hall, stumbling backwards towards Jaemin’s bedroom.

They break apart just long enough for Jaemin to kick his door shut, and then they’re tumbling down onto Jaemin’s bed. Jaemin has one hand in Donghyuck’s hair, one holding his hand and his heart.

He’s not scared anymore.