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"Happy Birthday to you," Misa sang cheerily to Light.
L didn't sing. While she belted her heart out, he was stuffing cake in his face. Light glanced between the two of them, heat rising up his neck. Misa spread her arms.
"Happy Birthday dear-"
"Kira," L cut in with a wry smirk.
Light's brow quirked, but he didn't address it. After eating cake of his own, Misa hopped over to the tv, fiddling with the remote.
"I can't wait," she chirped, "apparently Netflix made a movie about us!"
L didn't voice that he had his doubts about this so-called 'movie'. Although, he supposed that if he finally lived in this version, it was already a step-up from what he'd just experienced.
On the whole, Light felt the same. Like, shit! It felt like he couldn't catch a freaking break in any of these adaptations. Maybe he'd win in this one...? He blinked, realizing the movie was American. Ha, them allowing the mass-murdering psychopath to win... fuck.
The two genii sank into the couch while Misa curled up against Light, purring happily. L tilted his head, teasingly copying Misa's actions on Light's other arm. Light's nose wrinkled as he pulled away.
"What are you doing?"
L shrugged.
"Apparently everyone wants to see us hook up... you haven't read any of the fan-fiction?"
"YOU HAVE?!"
L smirked at Light's horrified expression.
"It'll shock you how creative people can get with their sex sce-"
"Oh, would you look at that!" Light cut in nervously, "the movie's starting!"
From the second it started, all three cringed. Misa stared at Mia in disbelief.
"Is that supposed to be me?"
"At least they didn't give you skunk hair," Light grumbled, glaring at the contrasting blond and black, "... wait, my motivation is that my mom died?"
"That's rough, buddy," L's lips twitched up.
Light's eyes snapped in his direction.
"Oh I can't wait to see how they fuck you up."
L's lips tightened, but he didn't say anything else.
Light leaned back in the sofa, brow furrowed, analyzing Turner. The movie continued and in detention, Turner... used... the DeAtH nOtE WHAT THE HELL... ON A CLASSMATE... WITH DECAPITATION?! He sat up in horror, glancing to see L and even Misa for all her stupidity had a stunned expression. Light swept his arms out.
"I was never that brutal! Come on, L, give me credit for that at least!"
"You know... I must say, I do not believe you ever decapitated a person... HE WASN'T EVEN A CRIMINAL, JUST A STUPID BULLY! WHY DID YOU DECAPITATE HIM?!"
"BECAUSE TURNER IS A PSYCHOPATH," Light cried out.
L's brow arched as he slid his fork through his lips. Light held out a hand, hearing himself.
"Can you at least agree I'm less of a psychopath?"
"You killed me!"
"Well, fuck at least I didn't have Rem decapitate you!"
Exhaling, Light sat down and they continued the movie. He cringed seeing Turner scream like a little girl, pounding at the glass and was acutely aware of L's taunting grin. Growling, Light stole the cake right from L's hands. The detective froze and whimpered, scratching to get it back, but Light simply held it out of reach. Crying out, L kicked Light's shin. He made a pained sound, the cake slipping from his grasp. L caught it easily, digging himself into a defense pose, glaring at Light while he ate.
Misa giggled.
"Ryuk's pretty good."
Light and L begrudgingly grumbled their agreement. As more killing happened, confusion painted all of their faces.
"When's he actually going to use a heart attack?" Misa inquired (not even joking, in the entire movie, not a single person dies from a heart attack).
L cocked his head, poor genius mind absolutely confounded.
"That's Kira's whole signature... Without it, there's no way to know for sure if someone was killed by Kira or not..."
And then... Turner brought the book to school... and showed it to Mia... uuuuuurrrrrghhhh. Misa had to pause the movie, her face pale.
"How dumb can you possibly b-"
Light and L's eyes widened, watching Misa jump to her feet and start ranting at the screen, pulling at her hair and pacing wildly. It was almost entertaining as it own movie in a way. Light placed his chin in the cup of his hand, amusement flickering over his features. Her voice went up a few pitches higher, causing L to wince but not interrupt her. He's brave, but not that brave. Light snickered. Maybe this birthday wasn't turning out a complete disaster. Yes, it was, just... a fun kind of disaster.
At first, they didn't know what to make of the movie's 'L'... L crossed his arms watching himself walk out of the crime scene, puffing out his chest a bit.
"Well, okay, I don't go out in public as L, but otherwise kind of badass. With the cool coat and bandana... not... terrible..."
Light's eyes narrowed.
"Fuck you."
"The insulin spike from the candies will focus your mind for final consideration. When it fades, you will sleep for one hour," Watari... needlessly... explained to L.
L stared at the tv, stabbing at his cake.
"Or, I just... really like sugar... that's a thing too."
Light and Misa burst out laughing as Watari started singing to 'L'. They doubled over cackling while L's face went a bright, tomato red, the fork almost slipping from his fingers. He stared at the screen in disbelief, a humiliated horror on his features. He buried himself in his crouch, looking like he desperately wanted to disappear. L whimpered hearing 'L' without his voice scrambler.
"That's the coolest part!" He moaned, curling in on himself.
Light snorted, poking L. The detective had gone into such a tight, rigid ball that he rolled off and hit the floor.
"Ow!"
Mia was getting more and more... psychotic... Light and L's gazes slowly slid in Misa's direction. She shrank under their eyes but then chuckled dangerously.
"Hm, you know, I really like this character," she drawled.
Light blanched, giving a shaky smile.
"You know I love you... right?"
Cuddling against him, she inhaled his scent, sighing.
"You better," she murmured innocently.
"Please, James, have a seat. Rest your glutes," 'L' said to Turner's father.
L almost choked on his cake, Light laughing so hard that tears were streaming down his cheeks.
"Rest your glutes? Oh L, I'm so happy you're character's so 'badass'," he wheezed.
With a roar, L threw his fork at the tv. Resentful and not willing to get up, he started scooping the remainder of his frosting with his long fingers. They listened to 'L's' reason for coming to Seattle. Sighing, L got up to get some more cake and pick up his fork. He twirled it absently, his mind whirring despite the movie's ridiculousness.
"But it still doesn't make sense... you have no proof that Brode was killed by Kira, just that it was a very gruesome and bizarre death. Yes, after enough bizarre deaths, you will suspect a person or organization is orchestrating them, but you won't be able to definitively say whether or not a killing was done by the same person. It could be a copycat killer, really just a freak accident, or a murder committed entirely by a third party with no association to Kira."
Light tipped his head.
"You're still trying to apply logic to this movie?"
Oh shit, was he? Pursing his lips and rolling his shoulders, L slid a new slice on his plate.
When 'L' got on camera in front of millions of people, L felt like kicking something again. He reared back his leg, but Light held up his arms defensively.
"Birthday!"
Absolutely stewing, L threw himself on the sofa, carefully maneuvering his treat as he balanced on the balls of his feet.
"Why would you take such an unnecessary risk? You don't know anything about this killer! You don't even know if Kira's a single person killing from a distance or an organization... you're just an idiot asking for someone to kill you!"
"Maybe he's not as morally dubious and doesn't use prisoners as his shield," Light cooed, just allowing himself to be a little shit.
L smashed a healthy dollop of cake into Light's face. He screwed his eyes shut, feeling the icing drip off his skin. Misa yelped, lightly dabbing a handkerchief over Light's features. When he could open his eyes again, he narrowed them at L's smug look.
The more they went on, L physically picked himself up, went over to the fridge and took out a slice of Swiss cheese. Light and Misa exchanged a confused expression. They weren't used to seeing L hold anything that wasn't mostly sugar. Inhaling deeply, L turned and launched the slice at the tv. It didn't go far... just sort of did a sad fall onto the carpet. L spitefully jabbed a finger at it.
"That is their logic," L growled.
Satisfied that he'd gotten his point across, he plopped back next to Light, still fuming.
Light tapped his chin thoughtfully.
"You know, Mia's acting more like me than Turner."
"Why? Because you have no qualms about killing innocents?" L asked airily.
Light ignored the comment.
"Seriously though, she understands Kira's message! Turner's just... sad... and pathetic..."
"So a faithful adaptation?" L piped up breezily.
"You're not the only one who can kick."
Misa went to get popcorn, tossing a few kernels into her mouth.
"They're talking about the death note in super public places," she said thoughtfully, loudly crunching the kernels.
"I noticed," L rumbled, rubbing his temple when Turner and Mia rushed up crowded school hallways screaming about the rules.
Light pinched himself quickly. L and Misa agreeing on something...? End of the universe, boom. Yup, the universe was gone. Congratulations, Netflix. You're the reason the universe ended.
"We're not the good guys anymore," Turner yelled at Mia.
"Um yes you are! You're cleansing the world, remember?" Light groaned, "Bitch, if you were part of Kira's Kingdom, I'd kill you just to weed out the weak from the strong."
L tilted his head. He fully believed Light was insane enough to do that... he'd done much worse to people who had wronged him much less. L pouted, his second plate of cake finished. If he was really going to survive this ordeal, he needed sugar, his head was pounding for it... the cake wasn't enough... no, no. It was time for the big-guns. Light blinked, his jaw dropping slightly.
"The Emergency Sugar Bag?... This must be serious..."
The detective nodded gravely, shoveling a handful of pure, raw refined sugar into his mouth.
"Desperate times call for desperate measures."
Light hissed seeing Turner and 'L' in the restaurant.
"Oh come on!" L pleaded, "our first interaction was so intense..."
"Man, if you were this stupid, I would've won a long time ago."
"Hey, watch it."
But then L couldn't contest with Light's statement when 'L' revealed his face in front of who he suspected to be Kira. It was such an out-of-body experience. L had never wanted to simultaneously hit someone as much while also studying them for their stupidity. With a little work, perhaps 'L''s brain could be used for the science of 'things someone does that doesn't need to be done and if anything is moronic'... it was a very specific science... L tapped his fingers, refusing to meet Light's smirk. His eyes went over to the plant in the corner of the room. Yup, oh my, what a lovely plant. Gorgeous, beautiful plant.
"You do realize Turner's pretty much admitting he's Kira, right?" Misa bit.
It was true... he was all but saying it... L met Light's eyes, challengingly inhaling the grains of sugar.
"And I could say that if you were this stupid, the Kira Case would've been closed after the first day and I could've vacationed somewhere. Light, I could've gone to Fiji. FIJI."
"Yeah, but would you ever leave your hotel?"
L opened his mouth, thought better of it, and instead ate some more sugar.
Turner wrote Watari's name in the death note in an attempt to get him to find and tell Light L's name. Not Watari's name per se, just 'Watari' because apparently that was extent of his name.
Light risked glancing at L. The poor detective looked like he was about to explode. Just to push his buttons a bit, the corners of Light's lips tugged up.
"Well if I'd known how easy it was going to be to kill Watari-"
The detective sighed dramatically. Almost as if on cue, Watari rounded the corner, carrying a tray of cookies and tea. He stopped, staring at the screen.
"Hm."
L threw up his hands.
"I'm done," he declared.
Misa sat up in protest and Light blinked.
"L, wait! Don't leave us-"
"An adaptation is one thing, but the movie established you need a fucking name. Who's buying that Watari is this guy's full name?! No alias? As L's spokesperson, he goes around with his full name out? This thing is getting so frustrating..."
Watari tried to hide his smile. In all honesty, he'd already seen the movie. Leaning near L, he gently sang the same song Movie Watari had, to L's bristling indignation. At Light's and Misa's heaving and squeaking, L's lips tightened.
"Traitor," he grumbled although not completely unaffectionately.
With a kindly smile, Watari ruffled L's hair and left the snacks on the small table.
"We could make it a competition of who loses the least amount of brain cells by the end," Light offered.
L stared at him, his eyes large and owlish. In all truth, Light did want L to stay. He'd never openly admit it, but so far this was his favorite birthday. He enjoyed just sitting with the people he secretly liked and making fun of a bad movie. Light even allowed an ounce of sincerity to bleed through his eyes. That must've been what ultimately convinced L to stay because he crawled back onto the sofa, shooting Light the smallest, most earnest of smiles.
"I bet I'll keep most of my brain cells."
"I won't lose a single one."
"Impossible."
"We'll see."
A prom! Because every American movie featuring teenagers needs to have one, amiright?
"Congratulations," L chuckled, "they're making you into a bit of a good guy."
Light's lips tightened.
"I love how he started too psychopathic and now he's not enough..."
"Yeah, they haven't really hit that sweet spot of batshit insane but still charming," Misa admitted, her face hidden in Light's arm.
He subconsciously wrapped an arm around her shoulders, pulling her closer into his body heat. Light still couldn't say he loved her, but it wasn't lost on him that she was among the few who had stuck with him through thick and thin. He traced a finger along her collarbone. Misa gave a pleased sound, nuzzling happily. L rolled his eyes, making a gagging motion. In order to shut L up, Light pointed at the screen.
"Hey, check it out. L has completely lost his mind."
L's face soured. He flinched when 'L' ran into a bunch of cars and started chasing Light on foot, gun in hand. It was true that he had a pistol in his nightstand in case of an emergency, but seeing what was supposed to be him racing through the streets, absolutely crazed and always on the verge of tears... there wasn't enough sugar in the building! Nope. L was planning his escape for a quest to find more sugar when his counterpart absolutely slammed a guy's face into his mashed potatoes... okay that was hilarious. At L's dry snort, Light's eyes glittered.
"Getting amused, are we?"
"I can't help it. Pain is funny."
L cried out as if he was the one being smacked when 'L' got knocked out.
"Damn!"
Light gave a slow, languid laugh, pointing at L.
"Ha ha. My supporters will always come through for me."
"Hell, yeah, Light," Misa chirped brightly, her nails having a death-like grip on his arm.
"Whatever you say, Lord Kira," L mocked him while at the same time mocking the movie.
The final climax had all three of them scratching their heads. Light's brain was about to melt in his skull from trying to keep up with what was happening. L gave up, tipping the entire bag into his mouth and just waited to suffocate. Misa chewed on her nails nervously.
"Is it just me who doesn't get it?"
"No," they replied at the same time.
She breathed in relief, nodding to herself.
They all burst out laughing when a cheesy song came on, the characters literally falling to their deaths. Oh, don't worry, the confusion returned as quickly as it had been put on hold. Light rubbed a hand up and down his face.
"It was all...part of... his plan? In what universe-"
"Convoluted, stupid, what else are we supposed to expect from this movie?" L grumbled.
The final shot was of 'L' standing above the death note. L jumped up, cheering.
"I lived, I lived, and I'm gonna kill you, uh-huh. Whoo!"
"Not if I kill you first! Oh wait, I already did!"
L stuck out his tongue but squeaked when Light grasped his shirt. Holding up his hands peacefully, L attempted a smile.
"Let's talk about this-"
The door swung open and all three successors walked in, talking amongst themselves. They stopped, taking in the scene. Near's eyes traveled to the tv and he smirked.
"Hm, well at least I can say I wasn't botched."
Mello chuckled.
"It feels so good to remain in tact."
Matt shrugged teasingly.
"I never liked the spotlight anyway."
L and Light glared at them. Light couldn't help the genuine smile crossing his lips, his eyes flashing in L's direction.
"Temporary truce?"
He watched L's lips curl into a devious grin.
"Let's get them."