Chapter Text
Katsuki had felt bad. He wanted to visit his old friend again. He hadn’t talked to him in almost two weeks.
“It’s been a while,” he said.
It’s been too long.
“I’m sorry.”
Katsuki sat down. He looked up, not averting his eyes.
“It’s sad that you’re not able to be there. At U.A.” He coughed, “I’m sure you would’ve liked it.”
He forced a smile. “You know, I miss you sometimes, nerd. It’s weird that you’re not around.” I need you.
He looked at the floor, almost as if he was waiting for an answer. Sure, he wanted an answer, but not even he was foolish enough to think he’d get one, deserve one. He sighed. He wasn’t crying, not yet at least.
“There are some people in my class that I think you’d like. Round Face, err, Uraraka Ochako, she’s nice, like you were. And always happy, supportive, positive. Just like how you used to be. I think you’d be friends, if...”
Katsuki paused.
“Anyway. Then there’s Half’n’Half, Icyhot, or uhh, Todoroki Shouto, he’s alright, I guess. I don’t know if you’d be friends, but I’m sure you’d get along. Oh! And that Glasses guy! Iida Tenya, or something like that. He’s friends with Round Face. I don’t really know a lot ‘bout him. He’s the class rep. Or something. I’m sure you two’d get along great.. I mean, I don’t think there’s anyone in my class who you wouldn’t get along with. You’d able to connect with them all, if they just let you.”
This conversation felt awkward. There were too many uncomfortable silences. But Katsuki couldn’t avoid that. He didn’t know how. He sighed.
“It’s kinda hard for me to be around all these fucking extras all the time. It’d be a lot more bearable if you were there, Deku. Uhh, Izuku.”
I’m sorry.
The so-called conversation died down again. He wasn’t completely sure what else to say, but he felt like he had to say something. He was the only one who was still talking to his old friend.
Were they even really friends? Bakugou Katsuki had no idea. He didn’t want to think about it. He knew the answer. He knew it.
...He also really didn’t like thinking about it. He didn’t like it.
Katsuki looked at the floor. He almost felt stupid.
After all, he was talking to the grave of someone who killed himself because of him.
Then, he looked up again. He stared at his old friend’s gravestone in silence for a while. He didn’t know how much time he spent like that. Could’ve been minutes, could’ve been hours. He had no idea. He wasn’t sure if he even cared.
Tears were starting to roll down his cheeks. He didn’t even care. He didn’t want to admit it, but he really missed him.
He also regretted a few things. Or a lot of them, he wasn’t exactly sure. He felt bad. He wanted to apologize, but he had to face the truth. He couldn’t. He wasn’t able to apologize. But he had to. He just had to make it right. He had to right the wrongs he created.
But that’s weird, he’s Bakugou Katsuki, he’s someone who doesn’t make mistakes. Right? Wrong.
He wiped off some of his tears, only for new ones to immediately take their place. He lowered his head, lacking the courage to look at what he caused. “I’m so fucking sorry,” he whispered, barely audible, “I’d do anything to make up for it. Anything. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do...”
He kept his gaze fixated on the ground, witnessing his tears falling to the floor.
“I’m so sorry,” he repeated, like it’d make a difference. Like, if he said it often enough, he’d be back.
After a while, he looked up again, tears still flowing.
He touched the cold, smooth surface of the gravestone, his hands sliding over the kanji that read ‘Midoriya Izuku.’ His hand was shaking.
He noticed the sun was about to set. He went to the graveyard in the morning. He hadn’t even noticed how fast the time passed. He didn’t want to leave. He just wanted to stay right where he was, not moving.
Bakugou Katsuki had never been the kind of person to regret his actions, until one day, he went to far. He’d never before realized that he really had no idea when to stop, when to back away, or to leave it be.
He got up.
“Good night, Izuku. I’ll be back tomorrow, okay?” His voice sounded broken, but almost hopeful. Like he was hoping to actually meet Izuku then. Of course, he knew that that wasn’t going to happen any time soon..
~
Katsuki had consecutively visited Izuku’s grave almost everyday for the last year. It had now been almost two years since Midoriya Izuku committed suicide, and Katsuki was in his second year at U.A. High School.
He still could never stop thinking about how much regret he felt, and how sorry he was, and the fact that the anniversary of Izuku’s death was coming closer each day seriously wasn’t helping.
He wasn’t even able to pay attention in class anymore. He knew that Mr Aizawa was talking about something, but he had no idea about what, or if it was important. He didn’t really care either anymore.
The more time passed, the more of a wreck he turned into. When he’d first enrolled at U.A. a bit before Izuku died, he was still himself, and when Izuku died, no one in their class seemed to have noticed how hard it hit him then. But no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t blame them either, because they didn’t know him. They still don’t. He just couldn’t get rid of the guilt. He didn’t know what to do about himself. He hated himself for indirectly killing his former childhood friend. He often gravitated towards blaming himself when things didn’t work out right. Because how could he not begin blaming himself?
He didn’t know what to do. He dreaded thinking about the possibility of his classmates finding out what he did, or worse, how he was feeling constantly for almost two years now. He especially didn’t want to talk to them, the ones that view themselves as a friend of his, about this. Any of this.
He sighed.
He was exhausted, mentally. He didn’t feel like he deserved rest, or anything good, really.
Izuku had never hurt anyone, or anything. There was probably no one on this earth he wouldn’t have tried to help. And yet, the only person he was ever friends with, was a cold-hearted bastard who caused his death. Ironic, isn’t it? Izuku deserved better friends than him, anyone other than him.
Oh, what he’d give to get a second chance, to be less of an asshole, a bully... a villain.
But still, if anyone were to find out what was going through Katsuki’s head, they’d try to tell him that he’s wrong, that he has no reason to feel this way, that it’s not his fault, no matter how much he knows that they’d be wrong. Because they are. They’re wrong. Right? They have to be.
Katsuki hadn’t even noticed that he was shaking, because of how far lost in his thoughts.
As the bell rang, he was taken aback at first. He was greatly surprised how quickly the time had passed. Oh, it’s lunch break already? Just as he was about to get up, he was... interrupted.
“Uhh, hey.”
Katsuki looked surprised. “What the fuck do you want, Round Face?” He spoke after a few moments of silence.
He really was praying to whatever god was out there that she wouldn’t say anything about his firmly deterioating mental state.
Luck was not on his side.
Uraraka Ochako was a very nice girl. She always seemed to care about others. If anyone were to ask him, which no one ever did, he’d say that she was too nice. He especially hated how much her kind, and caring personality constantly reminded him of Izuku. Oh, Izuku.
She shifted on her feet awkwardly. Then, she smiled at him. She had a very bright smile, but not as bright as Izuku’s. Bakugou sighed.
“I just wanted to ask you how you’re feeling!” She smiled at him. He hated how sympathetic she looked.
His heart dropped. This was exactly what he hadn’t wanted to happen. He wanted to punch something. Or to scream. He wasn’t quite sure which one. All he knew was that this wasn’t going the way he wanted. This wasn’t going in his favor at all, rather the opposite.
“Why the hell do you care about me all of a sudden?” He tried to sound as angry as usual, but he failed terribly. Pathetic. It was obvious to literally everyone who heard him that he was surprised, not angry. Maybe a bit irritated as well. Or sad? Telling his all of his inner workings from such a short phrase was still difficult, even though it was painfully obvious that he was doing his best to sound mad at her.
Ochako smiled at him again.
“You know, I’m your classmate, so of course I care about your wellbeing!” She was too friendly. “Oh, and also, you seemed to have been kinda down recently, so I wanted to check up on you,” she said, gently, “I just wanted to make sure you’re okay! So... How are you? Are you doing alright?”
“You know what? It’s actually none of your fucking business, Round Face, but I’ll at least answer your stupid question. No. No, I’m not fucking doing alright!” He didn’t know why he said that. It’d left his mouth, before is brain could come up with something smarter to say.
“So, are you going to tell me why?” She smiled at him. It was very obvious that she was doing her best to look sympathetic, caring. He wasn’t sure if she actually cared, but he sure as hell wasn’t going to ask her. He didn’t like his conversation. Remaining calm was taking him so much energy.
“Again,” he growled, “it’s none of your business, extra.”
She sighed. “Look,” she spoke in a much more serious tone now, “we noticed that recently you weren’t doing very well. You were a lot more quiet than usual, and you seemed to be lacking energy, or motivation. So, we, as your classmates, were getting worried. I know that you, and me especially aren’t very close, but we’re all worried about you. So, what’s going on?”
“If you know that we’re basically strangers to each other, why are you the one talking to me about this shit?!” Katsuki was trying hard to sound as angry as he usually did, but his voice was weakened.
“Because... technically, the plan was to have Kirishima talk to you about this. Tomorrow. B-but I just couldn’t wait, I was really worried about you! It seemed like you were hurting, and— I don’t know. I know it sounds foolish, but I just had to ask you, Bakugou!” This time she looked genuinely apologetic.
Katsuki huffed. “Why do you care though? We barely know each other. A few months ago, I couldn’t even fucking remember your name.”
“Oh, don’t remind me of that! That was awkward!” She giggled, like he made a joke. As soon as she saw how serious he looked, her laughter quickly died down. “I’m sorry, I thought it’d lighten the mood...” Her voice was quiet, she wasn’t even sure whether he’d even heard her, or not, because he hadn’t reacted immediately.
He scoffed at her. “Is that everything you had to say to me, Round Face? ‘Cause if so, then I’m leaving now. It’s lunchtime, and I’m fucking hungry.” Katsuki wasn’t hungry at all, actually he’d just lost his appetite, thinking of Izuku so much, he felt sick to his stomach. He’d never felt this guilty. He could just imagine Izuku’s voice telling him that it’s not his fault, caring about him. He wanted to leave. He desperately wanted to leave, and end this conversation with Ochako. She was just too much like Izuku. He couldn’t deal with it. He couldn’t—
“No!! Don’t just leave! I’m worried about you, okay? It’s obvious that something’s wrong, and yeah, I know that we aren’t that close, but it’s obvious that you haven’t actually, seriously talked to someone about whatever it is that’s bothering you so much! I just want to help y—” She was talking quickly. Almost as quickly as Izuku used to, whenever he started mumbling again.
“You want to help me? Too bad, because neither do I need, nor do I want any fucking help.” This irritated her. She’d never seen him this annoyed, but what really stuck out to her, was that she’d also never seen him as sad before. She wasn’t sure if she just simply misjudged what his behavior, and expression meant, but she just couldn’t shake the feeling that she was correct. And that made her so much more curious than she’d already been. It also made her worried. Very worried.
She just couldn’t think of anything that would logically, possibly be able to make someone like him so upset. She just had to know. She had to. And she was determined to find out, and then she’d help him solve whatever problem he was having. She was absolutely sure of it.
“Please, Bakugou! Let me, no, let us, help you! We’ll get through this together, we can solve—!”
“No!” He yelled, “This is not something anyone can help me with, and it’s my responsibility to carry this burden, because I’ve caused this to be this way, so— So, let me suffer the consequences! And even if you could help me deal with this, which you can’t, I wouldn’t accept your help anyway! So fucking drop it!” It was very obvious that their converation was getting him quite worked up. He just didn’t know how to deal with any of this.
And before Ochako was able to get another word in, he jumped up, and raced out of the room. He didn’t have any clue where he was going, and he certainly wasn’t sure if he really cared or not. He just wanted to get away from her, from that suffocating conversation. Yeah, he really just wanted to get away. He didn’t care where he had to go, as long as that new situation wasn’t as suffocating as the one he was currently leaving in hurry.