Chapter Text
It takes every single drop of willpower left in Jeonghan’s body to not drop the coffee mug in his hands onto the floor.
“You’re going to what ?” Jeonghan feels his ears ring and even though he’s sitting down, it feels like his knees are going to crumple from under him. There’s a strange shaking that brushes over his limbs and makes him tremble in his seat.
Jisoo sighs like he’s explaining why two plus two is four. The nonchalance in his actions and expression freaks Jeonghan out. “I said. I’m. Stopping. Treatment.”
Jeonghan resists the urge literally reach over the table and grab Jisoo up by the lapels of his coat. “Yeah. And if you do. You. Will. Die .”
“Mhmm.”
Jeonghan makes a face. “Wha- what ? Am I the only one hearing this?” He looks around as if the other people in the cafe are going to start nodding in agreement.
In Jeonghan’s defense, they should .
“It’s fine. I have about ten months to a year left.”
“I’m sorry, but can we like, backtrack a bit? How is your doctor even letting this happen? Do I need to sue someone?”
“I’m twenty-seven and I’m sane. I’m allowed to choose to withhold treatment, especially when it’s doing nothing but stretching out my death. It hurts more and more every day, Jeonghan. Just putting on my clothes and coming this morning felt like hell.”
“Which is exactly why you can’t stop treatment.”
“Which is exactly why I have to.” Jisoo takes a sip of his tea (decaf, otherwise his head hurts) and blinks like he’s just announced that he’s going on a month long vacation to the Italian countryside. “I’m suffering, Jeonghan. I know I don’t like talking about it, but I trust you more than anyone. I wanted you to be the first one to tell you. I’m just thankful, Jeonghan. That you’ve stood by my side for nearly three decades. That you’ve sacrificed personal relationships for me. That you haven’t been able to really live your life out the way you want because you need to take care of me.”
Jeonghan feels his heart drop to his stomach.
Jisoo not -
Jisoo’s not doing this because of him, right?
“You think that I’m going to be thanking you for this?”
“Well, no, but still. I’m just thanking you.” Jisoo tilts his head and scrunches his brows in confusion. “Why is that a bad thing?”
“Because! You’re making it sound like I did something big , that I sacrificed my life to take care of you! You’re doing it again; you’re blaming yourself for nothing. I’ve never felt obligated once in my life to stay by your side. I’ve never felt like I had to help you out of pity. I did that because I’m your best friend. Do you see me like that? You think I’m just doing this because I feel bad? Because I feel like I have to?” Jeonghan struggles to keep his voice down in the cafe - luckily, they’re in a booth and the walls don’t really echo. “I want to help you because I want to. Not because I think you can’t or because you’re weak. That’s all I am to you? Someone who helps you because they think they should?”
Jisoo’s expression turns sour. His mouth turns into a grimace and his eyes darken over like he’s about to punch someone.
“Hey, Jeonghan.”
“Yes, Jisoo? ”
“I’m sorry for saying it like that. I don’t think you would be doing this out of pity. And I really do believe you when you say that this is just because you care for me. But I feel guilty too, you know. Watching your life slip past you. I know you don’t pity me. It doesn’t change the fact that there are some things you’ve had to sacrifice for me.”
Jeonghan stands up and picks up his mug.
“Yeah. Out of my own will.” Jeonghan grabs his jacket. “Talk to me when you realize that I make my own choices and helping you is not considered a sacrifice.”
“S-sorry,” Jisoo looks down at the table and fumbles around with his fingers. “I never thought of it like that. But you know it’s natural for me to feel this way.”
Jeonghan glares but he sighs and sets down his stuff. He’s still standing, so he takes the opportunity to ruffle Jisoo’s hair like he used to when they were younger. Jisoo doesn’t turn his head but the way his shoulders jump up before relaxing lets Jeonghan know it’s been too long since he last did it for it to feel natural.
“Dumbass.” Jeonghan lets out a fake annoyed huff. “There goes my dramatic exit.”
“Hey!” Jisoo looks up this time, pouting with full intent of getting a laugh out of Jeonghan. “I’m not a dumbass.”
Jeonghan sits down. “I beg to differ.”
“Give me one example.”
“The fact that you’re stopping your treatment? For starters? Maybe ?”
Jisoo smiles sadly. His eyes shine like he’s forcing his tears to stay inside.
“Jeonghan.” Jisoo bites his lip. “It just hurts so bad now. I can’t do it anymore. I’m not depressed or anything. I’ve thought this through. I don’t want to just stretch out my pain for longer. Please. You can’t tell me that this is the wrong decision. Don’t you think I know ? The weight of what I’m doing? I-”
Jeonghan gets and and sits down in the seat next to Jisoo. While pulling him into a hug, Jeonghan feels disgusted with himself.
He doesn’t want to lose Jisoo because he’s never even had the chance to confess his true feelings.
Jeonghan is selfish.
Disgusting .
-
-
“So. You hear about Jisoo, I’m guessing?”
Seungcheol places a cup of coffee down next to Jeonghan’s keyboard and leans on the desk divider. Jeonghan runs his finger over the hot handle and doesn’t pull away when his knuckles touch the burning cup.
It feels nice.
“Yeah. How’d you know?”
“He told me that his next book was going to be his last one. I asked what he meant by that. He told me.”
Jeonghan closes his eyes. It’s been a week and he still can’t seem to accept reality. “I don’t know what to do. A part of me knows that Jisoo is rational and this honestly will save him another couple years of nothing but pain and suffering. But then the other part of me can’t let him go .” Jeonghan looks up and Seungcheol, who’s expression remains as calm as ever. “Why do I love him?”
Seungcheol smiles and pulls Jeonghan’s hand off the cup. “It’s human nature to love. You can’t stop it. But I know you realize that you can’t tell Jisoo this is wrong. If it’s hurting you, imagine the weight he has to bear. Instead of making him feel bad, you should be doing everything you can in the next months to help him. Right?”
Jeonghan stays silent while he mulls it over.
That -
That’s absolutely genius .
“Seungcheol?”
“I love your brain. Give it a kiss for me, okay?” Jeonghan rushes out of his seat and snatches his phone off the desk. He runs for the door, nearly knocking Seokmin’s cactus off the table on his way out.
“Wha - hey, Jeonghan! Where are you going?”
“Wonwoo!”
-
-
“So. Do you think it’s stupid?”
Wonwoo blinks. “I mean, it’s not stupid. Honestly, I think it’s a really good idea. It’ll be good for both of you.”
Jeonghan wrinkles his nose. “What do you mean? This is for Jisoo.”
“Yeah, but I think seeing him happy is going to help you accept that his decision was the right one. Sometimes, people just need to do the hard thing because it’s better for them in the long run.”
“Yeah, yeah. It’s not that I don’t understand.” Jeonghan can feel himself start to stare off into space again, with the pen in his hand spinning around his finger in a comforting rhythm. Wonwoo just waits patiently, until Jeonghan gathers his words again. “I just feel ripped off. I really thought I was going to be able to do it by now.”
Wonwoo gives him a sympathetic chuckle. It’s more like a little puff of air than a laugh but his eyes still crinkle up at the corners like rumpled paper. “Yeah. Why haven’t you? Confessed, I mean. Why haven’t you confessed to him already? It’s not like it’s a secret. Jisoo’s probably the only one who doesn’t know.”
Jeonghan groans. “I don’t know , Wonwoo. To be honest? I kind of just thought that life would bring us together at one point. Being with him is more natural than breathing. We’re special to each other. I just expected something to happen on its own, I guess. And now too much time’s passed and I’m regretting the shit out of my life.”
“Maybe you should tell him.”
“He could feel burdened. Since even if he does accept, we don’t have much time together.”
“He could feel loved . Since he would be leaving, knowing that someone wanted him.”
“It’s unfair to both of us.”
“Life’s unfair.” Wonwoo looks down at his hands and twists his cufflinks around. His rare display of anxiety surprises Jeonghan. “Just do it before you can regret not doing it.”
Jeonghan gets up. His knees crack obnoxiously. “Mingyu’s gonna come around, you know. He’s just kind of stupid when it comes to stuff like this.”
Wonwoo glares at Jeonghan with a heat so intense that if humans could shoot lasers out of their eyes, Jeonghan would have been roasted into ash by now.
“I’ll gut you.”
Jeonghan smirks. “ There he is.”
-
-
“So. Why’d you want to meet for dinner?” Jisoo clasps his hands under his chin and leans forward with his eyes all wide and shiny. “I’m excited.”
“Why?” Jeonghan wrinkles his nose and feigns a confused face.
“Because you’re not the type of person to act like something’s urgent.”
“Oh. Well. I guess that’s true. But I just had something important to tell you.”
Jisoo sighs. His expression of relative happiness dissipates into one of worry. “If it’s about my treatm-”
“It is and it isn’t.” Jeonghan splays his fingers out on the table in between them and rhymically taps them onto the wood. “I want you to make a list of every single thing you want to do before you - before you - ”
Jeonghan gulps.
“Before I have to leave ?” Jisoo smiles gently and places one of his hands onto top of Jeonghan’s. “You want me to make a bucket list?”
“Yeah.” Jeonghan swallows the knot in his throat and hopes that Jisoo can’t feel the thudding of his heartbeat in the veins of his hand. “But the catch is that I’d be doing everything with you.”
“Why?”
Jeonghan can’t look up. “Is that selfish of me? To want more time with you?” Jeonghan feels his breath stutter. “I know you’d want to spend time with everyone but I can’t help but feel like I want to steal you away from anyone who isn’t me.”
“Jeonghan. C’mon. Look up.” Jeonghan does and sees that Jisoo’s smile is a bit smaller, but the wrinkles around his eyes have deepened. “I don’t think you’re selfish at all. It sounds like a good idea. Thank you. I’ll give you my list once I’m done making it.”
Jeonghan tries to keep his expression stable.
He’s a friend.
Just.
Friend.
“Good, Jisoo. I’m glad.”
-
-
On Wednesday morning, two days after Jeonghan had seen Jisoo in person, he finds a pale blue envelope on his desk with Jisoo’s scrawly and wide penmanship on it.
For Jeonghan .
Jeonghan grins. It must be the list. He sets down his briefcase and takes a seat on his chair.
He pulls the envelope open carefully.
He wants to be able to keep it, after.
The paper inside is thick and heavy; clearly meant for formal writing. Jisoo’s handwriting spills over the provided lines and flows around the paper, marked by arrows to point Jeonghan to the next sentence and X’s over the words he’s mispelled or taken out.
Jeonghan thinks it’s cute. Jisoo hates writing in anything but pens, and yet he can barely write a paragraph without a slew of errors. He writes too fast to be able to process what he’s done wrong until it’s too late and he has to settle for white-out or ugly, crossed out phrases.
The set-up is a bit scattered, but Jeonghan’s used to Jisoo’s handwriting by now.
It’s a numbered list.
Jeonghan reads it slowly.
- I want to write one last book. A short story this time. I want Yoon Jeonghan to be the first reader this time, instead of the editor. It would mean more to me for it to be a surprise.
- A visit to the countryside where my parents’ graves are.
- A trip to Lotte World. I want to go on the ferris wheel. At night. With cotton candy. It has to be strawberry flavored.
- Take an art class. Oil paint. I want to try making my own book cover this time with my own work.
- Eat whatever I want. Nothing in moderation and everything in excess. I demand the right to eat fatty foods.
- Take an overnight trip to the beach. And take a late night walk when I get there.
- See what it’s like to go to a flower field with a hill and then on top of that there’s a single tree that’s really big so I can sit under it and fall asleep there for a little nap and then I can go back to my little bed and breakfast room when I wake up.
- Find out what my favorite color is.
- Find a boyfriend.
- Yoon Jeonghan is exempt from having to help me with Number 9.
Jeonghan nearly crushes the paper in his hand.
Find a boyfriend .
Jeonghan thinks long and hard before he carefully places the letter into the envelope. He puts it in his desk drawer and laces his finger together in front of him.
There’s a strange stillness about him, even though his heart feels like it’s going to jump out of his chest.
He can’t blow this.