Chapter Text
Keith has a crush. That’s what Pidge likes to call it, at least. For him it’s nothing more than adoration for someone. The historical figure, Takashi Shirogane (or Shiro, as he went by), who was long dead and could only speak through writings left behind. Though he had collected every single one of Shiro’s books, one in particular was Keith’s favorite. It was in this book that he began to write notes in response to what Shiro was saying. As if having a conversation through the man in the margins of this book.
The way Keith would talk about Shiro would lead someone to believe he personally knew the man. He would interpret how Shiro had felt and read into every little thing he had written. The longer this went on and the more Keith felt tied to the words Shiro had written the more Keith began to notice that maybe he was falling for someone long dead.
One night Keith is out with Matt, talking about everything from Matt’s job to what Keith wanted to do with his future. So it took Matt by surprise when Keith went quiet and asked, "What if there is a way to talk to him? Like...actually talk to him?"
Matt looked a little doubtful, hesitant to even humor the idea. He was aware that Keith had had a fascination with Shiro, but even he knew that it was becoming more than just an interest. "Like how? Call him up on an ouija board?"
Keith scoffed, because no of course not -- but this wasn’t a hypothetical joke either. "You talked about communicating through time using quantum mechanics before." He continued, Keith keeping his gaze away from Matt.
Matt paused. He hadn’t believed that Keith would be serious about something like this. The fact Keith had even spent time thinking of something like this... "That's all theory, Keith..."
When Keith finally glanced over he was met with the expression on Matt’s face, making Keith shrink back a bit. The look of worried concern that would have most fall quiet. “We could learn what really happened to him...”
Matt looked doubtful, not wanting to fuel the flames of Keith’s feelings. “He died on re-entry, Keith. From the heat—“
“I know but...” Keith trailed off, looking away with a sigh. It was wrong to even bring it up. Anyone would be worried for him at this point. “It was just a thought. It doesn’t matter.”
“You don’t think that’s what happend do you?” Matt scrubbed his face, doing his best to stay calm. He can understand where Keith was coming from, at least. “Keith...he’d be dead now no matter what happened. You do know you can’t actually—“
“I KNOW!” Keith snapped, giving Matt a harsh glare as he pulled his legs up against his chest. “I know. You don’t need to remind me. I’m not fucking stupid.”
“Hey don’t get upset. Katie and I are just a little worried about you, Keith. You act as if he is someone you personally know.” Matt frowned, reaching to take one of Keith’s hands only to have Keith pull back. “I know Katie talks about him being your crush as a joke, but it’s starting to look as if that’s true…” Matt could tell he was right as soon as he saw the expression on Keith’s face. “Oh Keith.”
“Dont.” Keith hated this. He hadn’t wanted to admit anything to anyone and yet here Matt was reading him as easily as ever. As if all the walls Keith kept up meant nothing to him. “I don’t want you feeling sorry for me when I don’t feel sorry for myself.”
“Shiro is just another man lost in history. If he survived he would still be dead today. And….he was married anyways. I’m worried for you, Keith. I hate seeing you so attached to someone who isn’t even around anymore.” Matt tried again to reach Keith, this time just to touch his arm. Unfortunately it was, yet again, met with Keith pulling himself just out of reach.
“He was gay. I know it. You can tell in the way he talked about her--”
That took Matt by surprise. Keith couldn’t be serious. “Wait...wait what? He married a woman. Happily married, from what you’ve said.” And as bad as he felt, he couldn’t help but softly laugh. Yes, Keith had pointed out Shiro talked about her more as a friend, but to use that as a conclusion that he was gay seemed like a stretch.
The laugh only made Keith more upset. “Everyone got married back then! And of course to a woman. What other choice did he have?” He could tell Shiro liked men. He never talked about his wife unless it was about how much she helped him get the opportunities he had. Why would he only call her his partner? Why would he never say anything about love? She had money where he had none and it helped him reach his dream. She had loved him, that was true at least. But Shiro...he never talked about her like a lover. “What if they knew? What if he was killed because of that?”
Matt was starting to look tired. Keith was in much deeper than he thought and it was getting to the point where he was concerned if this was even healthy. “Even if he was gay I doubt there was some plan to kill him, Keith. It was an accident. They even admitted they should have done animal testing before sending him up there. It was a mistake made because they wanted to be first.” Matt sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. “I know you already know this. Conspiracies won’t help anyone.”
Keith kept his mouth shut, glaring down at the book he held tightly in his lap. Shiro’s wife had published it after his death. It was meant to be about Shiro’s orbit and return, but after he died she had put together what he had already written as well as his transcripts from his mission all up to his failed re-entry. His own copy was filled with his own notes...small conversations that made him feel closer to Shiro. The end, though…
Tear marks littered the last pages.
“Help me find a way to communicate with him, Matt. Please. I know you just think this is wrong. I know...but…” Keith’s grip on the book tightened. “This is something I can’t help. I’ve never felt this way about someone and even if I can’t be there and talk to him physically…” He closed his eyes, forcing himself to stay put together. The last thing he needed was to have a breakdown right now.
Matt really didn’t want to support this. It was wrong, and even if they could communicate Keith would have to make sure not to give away too much information. He couldn’t even change the future. Shiro will still end up dying only this time Keith may end up feeling guilty for it. But...this was also his friend and he knew how much this would mean to Keith. “If I help you with this I can’t let you tell him anything about what happens or when you come from. I don’t even know if this can really work--”
Keith took in a breath, forcing himself to keep down the flutter in his stomach. “I know, but just the chance means the world to me, Matt. I’ll follow any rules you lay out for me I just...I need this. I love him. I know it’s not normal, but I really do.”
Matt still looked unsure, but Keith was dead set on doing this and maybe he was a little too soft hearted to deny him.
~~~
It took a lot of time and help from his sister, but Matt managed to use his theories of quantum entanglement and time travel to create a sort of open communication source to a point in time. In order to have a proper grounding point used for communication they connected themselves to a radio of Shiro’s Matt managed to snag online. It was more than a little expensive, but they didn’t have much of a choice. It needed to be an electronic they could speak through.
Keith couldn’t stop shaking. It was finally time to test this out and see if it could actually work. Matt took a seat next to him silently as he set up the device. He may not be fully supportive of something like this, but Matt was just as excited to see if what he made worked. It would be a first for humanity, and yet something he wouldn’t ever announce publicly. Matt trusted Keith, but everyone else? He wouldn’t be responsible for what could happen.
“Okay it should be ready to go.” Matt hummed, double checking a few of the connections. “Remember...it’s 1960s America. You’re from New Mexico and were toying with rewiring your radio for long distance communication and didn’t expect it to actually work.” Matt reminded Keith, tapping the dial to let him know it was up to him to start it up. “You have to act like you know nothing about him...nothing about the NASA program...nothing about what happens.”
“I know I know.” Keith’s eyes were fixed on the dial Matt tapped, anxiety being the only thing keeping him from immediately flipping it. “I won’t give anything away, I promise.” Keith held his breath, flipping the radio on without another word to Matt. They both listened as the radio static overwhelmed the speakers, different stations seeming to bleed through before everything went quiet said for the quiet buzz of electronics.
Keith glanced at Matt before leaning forward. “Hello?” There wasn’t an answer, Keith’s nerves melting into dread. Maybe getting his hopes up that something like this would even work was a stupid thing to do. “It didn’t work. I mean maybe I should of expected it but--”
“Is...my radio speaking to me?” A voice came through the other side, Keith about jumping out of his seat and knocking into Matt before just taking a fistfull of his shirt to ground himself.
“N-No! I...I mean I guess uh this…” Keith glanced at Matt, biting his lip. The story was easy enough to remember. Keith just had to take a breath and speak. “Um I uh...Sorry. I’ve been messing with this radio, but I didn’t mean to just connect to some other random radio like this.” He laughed nervously, unable to take his eyes off of the speaker. Was this Shiro? He couldn’t tell...his interviews always had different sounding voices depending on the quality.
The man on the other end was silent for a moment before he let out a snort. “It’s a little impressive that you even managed to do this. I hope you aren’t a commie…” He chuckled softly, his hesitation in answering evident from his tone.
“A...no! Haha no I’m just some guy from New Mexico that has too much time on his hands.” Was...this Shiro? It had to be. Who else would have this radio, right? “My name is Keith.” Matt leaned forward, hand gripping Keith’s shoulder. If Shiro thought they were from the Soviet Union they wouldn’t be able to stay connected. They may never even find out who this was.
But it seems they were lucky, because the man spoke again in a much more interested and amused tone. “New Mexico? That’s a bit far from where I am, Keith. My name is Shiro.”
Keith wanted to scream. This was Shiro. Like REALLY Shiro! Even Matt was holding in his excitement. This had all actually worked! They were talking to someone in the past! “Well, it’s nice to meet you, Shiro.” Keith kept his favorite book against his chest, brightened eyes staying fixed on the radio. “You said you’re far from New Mexico? Where are you?” He knew where Shiro was, but he wasn’t going to blow this. Not now. Keith had to act like he didn’t know anything about Shiro, which isn’t that hard. What better way to relearn about someone than just...talking to them?
“Florida. We have the wet heat here compared to the desert state. May as well start off with that before you try to say you’re jealous.” There was a noise that sounded like Shiro pulling up a chair along with a breath of a laugh. “I’m a little surprised you didn’t say anything about my name. I’m used to people being put off by it.”
His name? Oh...that’s right tensions were still strained with Asian Americans at that point. Or...with most non-white people. Keith couldn’t imagine having to deal with it, honestly. “The name is different, but who cares? You sound nice enough.” Is that the right thing to say? Keith glanced at Matt who only gave him a thumbs up. Just being a nice guy that doesn’t care shouldn’t be that strange.
“I could say the same for you. I don’t think it’d look good if I had a Russian talking to me through my radio.” Shiro fell quiet for a moment before continuing. “You seem interested in talking, though. Not much to do out there in New Mexico? Maybe with all the testing…”
Testing? Keith didn’t understand what Shiro meant until Matt leaned over and whispered, “Nuclear.” Keith gave a silent ‘oh’ in response, a little embarrassed he didn’t go ahead and assume that’s what it was. “Um, oh yeah well I don’t leave anywhere near those testing sites. I’d be scared to, honestly.” Keith huffed. “They shouldn’t be testing those weapons anyways. They’re horrible and should have never been used.”
Matt looked fucking panicked, making a neck-cut motion with his hand in warning to Keith before freezing when shuffling was heard from the radio. Americans still had the whole ‘it saved lives’ thing going on didn’t they? He couldn’t have Keith be too out there in opinion.
But Shiro’s response helped calm that worry. “I haven’t heard much of that opinion here. It’s nice to know I’m not the only one who thinks so.” Shiro let out a sigh. “I can’t really speak up about it without hearing someone say I only think so because I’m asian. 15 years and people are still defending using them.”
It seemed like Shiro was rambling a bit, something Keith had never seen in the way he wrote. It had Keith staring at the radio, taking in this new quirk.
“They just believe what they’re told.” It’s 2119 and some people still have the issue of ignorance. Not everyone goes and does their own research and that never changes. “You do seem really passionate about it, though.”
“Well, I don’t have many people to talk about it with. And I didn’t expect some guy talking through my radio to share my opinion.” Shiro sounded a bit defensive. “But I didn’t mean to go on about it--”
“You’re okay!” Keith was quick to cut Shiro off, shrinking back a bit at the sound of amused laughter from the other end. “I don’t really live around many people, so it’s nice to have a conversation.” He teased at his lip for a moment, wondering what he could ask without getting too specific.
Luckily Shiro beat Keith to it. “You married, Keith?”
The question wasn’t an odd one, but it was a topic he wanted to touch on the most when it came to Shiro. Maybe he could dive in a bit? “Me?” He laughed. “No no...24 and single.” Keith’s cheeks burned. He knew it was probably just idle conversation. 1960s...everyone talked about marriage right? The movies made it look like it at least. “I guess I’m too picky for the few people around here.” Matt punched Keith’s arm, but offered a smile. He could trust Keith to be alone, by the looks of it, so he gave a wave and stepped out. Being alone helped calm Keith’s nerves, as much as he loved Matt.
“It’s not bad to be picky.” Shiro hummed. “I’m 30 and married.” He offered the same information Keith gave, seeming to slowly relax into conversation as well. “To my wife, Marilyn.”
“Must be nice...being married to a woman you love.” Keith forced a smile, foot tapping on the floor as he listened to the static silence on the other end. It was a digging question, assuming he would be able to tell if Shiro was lying by his tone of voice. Keith knew he had just now started being able to hear him, but he really hoped he could. Or maybe Shiro would be honest! Would admit he didn’t love her romantically! Or...Shiro would say he loved her and Keith would have to accept he had been wrong.
“She’s done a lot for me, that’s for sure.” Shiro replied, the soft tone catching Keith off guard. “I know a lot of men wouldn’t say so in my situation, but Marilyn is really behind everything I’ve been able to do. She and her family have helped me through school and my career.”
There it was. It was just like in Shiro’s books. He spoke highly of her and it’s obvious Shiro cared about Marilyn, but there was something missing. Why would he avoid something so simple as talking about how he loved her or how she made him happy? Maybe his focus was on his passions and not romance? Keith selfishly hoped not. “But do you love her?”
Shiro was quiet, a thumping sound making it through the radio as if the man was tapping it slowly in thought at his end. The pause made Keith wonder if he had asked something weird? Lucky for him Shiro responded, “Isn’t that a given?”
“You haven’t said it yet, is why I’m asking.” Keith mentally punched himself for that. Matt would be pissed if he was here. This was just on the edge of too far. Keith couldn’t act like some random man here to flirt. Who in the 1960s would do that?
“You’re the first person to really press me on this, you know that?” Shiro replied softly, the thumping coming to a stop. “You’re a strange man, Keith. I don’t think any guy out there wouldn’t assume a married man doesn’t love his wife.”
It was starting to look like Keith was pushing a bit too hard. Shiro sounded so unsure of where this was going, but Keith couldn’t help himself. He wanted Shiro to open up to him and be honest. “This man has seen enough couples to know some people force themselves into what they think people want from them.”
“Keith.” Shiro sounded much more stern, the tapping coming to a halt. “Look, there are some things I’d rather not get into with some stranger speaking through my radio.”
“We don’t have to be strangers.” Keith was quick to respond, trying to hide the slight hurt from being scolded. “I mean...you seem like a nice guy. If I keep this radio the way it is we can keep speaking like this. I’m not really good at being social in person, so this is...nice.” Maybe that could help explain his questions. Just not being good at social things.
Shiro hummed, relaxing a bit more now that the topic was turned away from his marriage. “I can’t find a good reason not to continue speaking. I’m interested in hearing more about New Mexico.”
After the initial conversation the two continued like clockwork.
At the same time every day Keith would sit down at the radio and wait until he heard Shiro greet him from the other end. And no matter how tired Shiro would sound when he would get back home for the night, his energy always picked up as he spoke with Keith.
They finally got to know each other naturally. Keith avoided ever bringing up what he already knew and instead focused on relearning everything about Shiro he could. Shiro loved animals, had a pet cat, hated the very idea of the arms race, was surprisingly politically opinionated, loved reading any study he could find about space, and had so many of his own theories about what was out there. Keith wished he could tell Shiro everything. Tell him about black holes and neutron stars. About how in his time there is a manned space station orbiting Jupiter. The brown dwarf sister star that was found out in the kuiper belt, making their solar system a binary. But all he ever did was fuel Shiro’s theories. Keith loved listening to him talk about what he loved.
One day, though, Shiro sat at the radio and didn’t bring up his day or his interests. Instead he sighed to let Keith know he was there, waiting for Keith’s concerned response before speaking. “Remember when you asked if I loved my wife?”
Keith shifted in his seat, leaning forward to rest crossed arms on the desk. “That was almost a month ago. It was rude of me to ask anyways…” A lot had changed since then. He still was interested, but Keith was happy just being able to talk to Shiro like this. He didn’t need to dig into Shiro’s life.
But Shiro seemed open to talk about it now. It made Keith wonder if this had been on Shiro’s mind for awhile. “No it’s okay. I guess I don’t talk about her like a wife.” Shiro paused. “Have you noticed?”
Keith wondered where the conversation was going, keeping down any of his own suspicions for now. “You mean how you always call her a partner? And you’ve never talked about how she looks or said you loved her. Um...you said you don’t have kids? I don’t know if that is normal for a married couple.” At least back then. Keith had noted before that Shiro never had kids with his wife even with them having been married for quite a few years.
“So I’m obvious, is what you’re saying.” Shiro deadpanned.
“I think I only notice because you don’t work hard to lie about it when talking to me.” Keith responded softly, blinking when he heard Shiro chuckle. “Is something wrong?”
“I don’t know, Keith. Well...I do know but it’s something I thought I’d grow out of.” Shiro sounded a bit hesitant. “I want to talk about it with you. You sound understanding, and out of everyone I know in my life you may be the safest person to tell. No risk in it, I mean.”
Keith was trying not to hold his breath, but if he didn’t he was sure he would blurt out exactly what he was thinking. Shiro wasn’t attracted to women. That has to be what this is about. Shiro never talked about women...it was such a red flag! Keith took a deep breath through his nose. “Tell me what?”
There was the sound of clicking, Keith assuming Shiro was messing with a pen, before he responded. “I...don’t feel any attraction towards women.”
Keith knew it. He knew he was right,
but he had no plans to shout that to the universe. Shiro trusted him enough to admit it and that meant more to him then pulling an ‘I was right’ to his friends. “Shiro--”
“I know it’s wrong.” Shiro cut in quickly. “I’ve done everything right and yet I still feel it. I dated plenty of women, slept with some, married an amazing woman that made me happy and yet nothing has changed. You were right I don’t love her romantically. I can’t. I’ve tried.” He sounded distressed, but his rambling kept Keith from cutting in. That is until he heard a soft, “I’m messed up.”
“No you aren’t.” There was a stunned silence on Shiro’s end, but Keith continued. “You aren’t messed up Shiro. There are…” Keith caught himself for a moment. “There are men here in my hometown just like you.” Shiro hadn’t been to New Mexico, so Keith was sure he would trust him. “They aren’t attracted to women and it took a good while for us all to understand that it’s not a bad thing.” Keith explained softly, doing everything he could to make himself sound supportive and understanding.
“It’s different. I...feel ways about men I shouldn’t…”
“That’s what I’m talking about, Shiro. Just because a man is attracted to a man doesn’t mean anything is wrong.” How can he put this without sounding too out of place? “Just means you’re even more special. I heard some cultures praise people like you.”
Shiro didn’t laugh, but the tone of his response at least sounded more collected. “Special? Here I was sure you would just tell me to ignore that and love my wife...and instead you come and say I’m special for it. I know you know how most people would react.” He didn’t sound amazingly thrilled either, almost as if he would of prefered Keith to scold him.
“I know.” Keith frowned. “I know how people are about it...because…” He held his breath for a moment, thinking over his next words carefully. But love makes people stupid, doesn’t it. “Because I’m the same way. I...I’m attracted to men…” The silence killed him. Keith was sure Shiro wasn’t going to be disgusted or anything since they were in the same boat here, but Shiro could see it as a lie. Or maybe even think Keith was just trying to pull more from him. He hoped Shiro wouldn’t think he’d do that.
Though he also didn’t think it would be taken super bad, which hearing Shiro choke on his words a bit seemed to indicate. “Is...that why you asked? Is that why you pushed so hard before? Were you talking to me all this time just to get me to admit this to you?”
Shiro was taking it really badly. “No! No, Shiro listen to me. Talking with you has nothing to do with this. I said what I had noticed and that’s all. I mean...me admitting it to you is leaving me just as vulnerable right? I just thought it’d help...knowing you weren’t alone…” Keith explained, resting his head on the table in crossed arms as he bounced his leg. “I swear.
“Sorry…” Shiro sighed, still sounding a bit hurt and confused. “I’ve never admitted it to myself before. It feels wrong...more so knowing that my wife loves me. I’m sure she notices it too, now that I think about it. This all just...it doesn’t feel like it’s possible that someone I just happened to start talking through a radio, of all things, is the same way.” There is the sound of a thump, most likely Shiro’s head hitting the table. “How do you deal with it?”
Keith peeked up at the radio, crossing his ankles as he shifted in his seat. “I think I don’t.” A soft laugh slipped from him. “I’m pretty lonely. I get jealous when I see my friends dating. You feel isolated and different. And besides it’s not like I can flirt with any man and hope for the best.”
“You’d be willing to do that? Flirt with a man? Date one?”
“Of course.” Keith answered without hesitation. “Everyone is different, and if that includes who we are attracted to then I see no issues with it. Who said love couldn’t spark between two men anyways? Some people following an old book? The same ones who dropped nukes on innocent people?” Keith scoffed, hiding his face in his arms. “I don’t care what people say. People can be wrong, and I trust what I feel.”
“So it…” Shiro trailed off, his reserve radiating through the radio. “You wouldn’t call it wrong or strange if...I…” The man was struggling to find his words, but it peaked Keith’s interest, eyes glancing to the radio. “If I said that I w-wish...you were here….”
Keith’s breath caught as he sat up, wide eyes fixed on the radio. Fuck, he wish he could see Shiro’s face. What was his expression like right now? A nervous look? Maybe with the ghosting of a red blush? Picturing it had his heart jump. “You...wish I was there?” The way Shiro had said it made it sound much more personal than wanting a friendly visit.
And with a bit of stammering on Shiro’s end Keith’s assumption must have been right. “Well I...yes? Yes. Of course. I mean you are v-very supportive and I...I feel like I can trust you. I think of us as friends and I--”
“Shiro.” Keith laughed softly, eyes softening when he heard the light choke of Shiro cutting himself off. “I wish I was there too.” Fuck, did he wish that. He’d do anything to be able to be there in person. “We may only know each other through this radio, but you really are the closest person I have in my life. I care about you.” Keith pressed a hand to his chest as if the action could slow his beating heart. “And it sounds like that, maybe, you feel the same?” It was hard to wait for a response. This could run Shiro off. Keith couldn’t stop himself from thinking the worst. The man was still married, in love or not, and there wasn’t much he’d be able to do If he overstepped a line.
But that fear was shoved away as soon as Shiro spoke again. “I do...I really do, Keith.”
There was both extreme happiness and horrible pain at hearing that. Keith couldn’t believe the man he had looked up to - read everything about - fell in love with through his books - was here telling him he felt that closeness too. It made him tear up a bit, but also because he’d never see Shiro. Never feel him. Shiro would die within the coming months doing what he loved and making history. It hurt. It hurt so much. “I wish I could show you how happy that makes me feel to hear.”
“One day. I won’t be stuck in Florida forever.” Shiro laughed, words breathless as he went through the same spiral as Keith. Happiness for himself and pain for his wife. “Have you ever felt like this...for a man before? Even knowing I was different I never really...felt anything.”
“No. I never wanted to tell anyone. I never get close enough to feel this way.” Keith reached to rest his hand on the radio. “Shiro? Can you do something for me?”
Shiro gave a hum in response, still trying to process everything being said and felt.
“Place your hand on the radio. In the middle.” Right where Keith had his placed.
“Uh...okay.” There was a shuffling noise. “Why?”
“Are you doing it?”
“...Yes?”
Keith smiled, closing his eyes for a moment. An indirect touch. “I talk to you through the radio, so it just made me feel a little better to do this. A kind of indirect touch.”
Shiro laughed, a little sigh of one. “An indirect touch? I guess you’re right. It’s a shame this radio can’t transfer that like it can your voice.”
Keith was doing everything he could to keep from crying. He didn’t expect Shiro to ever feel how he did, but now that they shared that it felt so much more painful. It wasn’t fair. Why couldn’t he warn Shiro? Even if he wouldn’t ever be able to see him anyways at least he could live. They could talk longer. Keith couldn’t help the shaky “Don’t go…” That left his lips, head hanging as he kept his hand on the radio.
“Keith? Hey...I’m still here we have half an hour before I need to tuck in for the night. Are...you okay? Was this too much I really didn’t mean to say something wrong if--” Babbling again. Keith loved that about Shiro.
“You didn’t do anything. Maybe I’m a little lonely, but I’m happy. I’m really happy.” That wasnt a lie. Keith really was happy about all of this, but what could he tell Shiro if he admitted he felt a twisting pain in his chest? All he could do is claim loneliness and that he wished he was with Shiro.
Keith had planned to keep everything from Matt, but as expected that was impossible. Matt had picked up on the flurry of emotions radiating from Keith when he wasn’t talking to Shiro. Which led to him being told everything. He seemed happy at first, admitting to Keith he was wrong and Keith had been right, but that turned into concern. Keith had been in deep before and now that they two started to actually have a thing for each other? There was more than once when Matt asked if this really was okay for his mental health. Every time Keith claimed it was fine. That it was more than fine.
Keith was honest to Matt about his worries. It was hard knowing Shiro would die. And it was harder knowing that even if he stopped it they still would never meet. Keith couldn’t win.
His conversations with Shiro became more intimate, more frequent. Shiro started telling him about NASA and the plan to send him into orbit. He admitted they were rushed for time because of the Soviets, which Keith had to bite his tongue. Not that he didn’t criticize NASA’s lack of testing. Shiro seemed to trust them, though. Keith hated it.
But something he did find out was that Shiro had talked to his wife. She had noticed before they married, apparently. Admitting she loved him enough that supporting his dreams made her happy. She didn’t need kids or him to love her romantically. She was happy making him happy. It surprised Keith, having not expected her to be okay with it.
And it was more surprising when Shiro introduced her to Keith through the radio. Keith was nervous up first, worried that she would end up blaming him for what Shiro talked to her about. But instead she seemed happy to talk to him. Praised him and even hinted at a romance between him and Shiro. That had both them men stumble over their words which pulled an amused laugh from her.
It...was nice. She was nice. Keith mentally took back anything he had ever said about her. She was a smart, open minded, good woman. She was good for Shiro even if their marriage wasn’t romantic in nature. She even invited Keith to stay with them for a bit once Shiro was back from his mission. Keith held back tears as he said he’d be happy to join them.
As the date of the launch neared Shiro’s excitement grew, and Keith’s dread started to consume him any time he wasn’t talking to Shiro. Next week...next week was the 158th year anniversary and with it the last days of talking to Shiro.
Meanwhile he simply took Keith’s heavy tone as worry, which Shiro did do his best to calm. That the unmanned tests worked fine. That NASA takes every precaution when it comes to something like this. Shiro was trained for most situations that could happen. It was just one orbit. Just an hour and fifty minutes. Shiro made it sound so simple. He was going to be the first man in space and he spoke as if he had done this before.
There was more than one time that Keith almost snapped. Almost yelled about re-entry and if they checked for that. If there was anything that would keep Shiro from being cooked alive inside that damn death trap. But how would he explain that he could know that’d happen? Besides if Shiro lived...he would have to learn that Keith wasn’t there. He was some nobody almost 160 years in the future.
Through all the pain and anger and dread Keith still found it impossible not to feel love and happiness for everything that was Shiro. The long hours of talking acting as a distraction his mind could focus on.
At one point Shiro had asked if Keith could mail him a picture of himself. Something he could take into orbit with him. Keith agreed. Said of course he could. He even mailed it to the address Shiro gave him knowing good and well it wasn’t there anymore. Most of Florida wasn’t there anymore. Sea level rise and all…
But that didn’t keep Keith from sending it. It just felt better to do so.
At one point they gave detailed descriptions of themselves, Keith enjoying hearing how Shiro went about doing so. He’d say he described himself less good looking than he really was, since he did have a photo of Shiro. He understood the difficulty, though, once it was his turn - struggling with giving Shiro a good idea.
Turns out the man was a bit of an artist. Shiro teased about how he wanted to show Keith the drawing he had made from the description. It had Keith blushing even if he wouldn’t ever get to see it. It was a shame too. What did Shiro picture him looking like? Keith wished they had spoken through a TV instead just so Shiro could see him.
The day of the launch came too quickly. Keith never left the radio, sitting at the desk to wait until Shiro could sit down and talk. This was the last time. This was the end of everything. Four months of talking and connecting has led to this moment in time. Keith felt dazed, numb, the emotions too much for him to process.
He didn’t even hear when Shiro sat down on the other end, being jolted out of his own head by a loud tap coming from the radio. Most likely Shiro trying to get his attention. “S-Shiro?” Keith bit his lip roughly, hating the shaking in his voice. “Sorry I’m just...I guess I’m nervous for you. And excited. You get to be the first man in space huh? That’s really happening.”
He needed to stay positive...for Shiro.
“I can’t really believe it myself. I wouldn’t be human if I claimed not to be nervous. I don’t think my heart has ever beaten this quick before.” Shiro chuckled, it dying down a bit when Keith didn’t join in. “Keith?”
“What if something happens to you?” He couldn’t help but ask. “What if you don’t come back, Shiro? Why can’t they test this first? Why do we need to go up before the Soviets I don’t understand.” Keith choked over his words, pressing his face into his hands.
“It’s not something I can control. All I can do is trust them. I agree that more testing is always for the better, but we are in a space race right now. Even if someone like me doesn’t see the point in it - the higher ups care. If I don’t do this...I may not get another chance to make history.” Shiro explained softly, understanding of Keith’s worries. They had been through his own head. “I’ll come back for you.”
Keith was shaking, using every bit of mental strength he had left to not cry. “Promise?” He asked weakly, knowing it wasn’t one Shiro could keep.
“I promise.” Shiro replied, conviction unwavering. “Maybe when I get back I can fly over to New Mexico? Meet you in person?” Shiro’s voice was soft, the sure confidence he will return safely ripping Keith’s heart in two. “Honestly...my biggest drive to come back safely is being able to actually touch you.”
Keith sucked in a breath, trying to hold back his sobs as tears fell from his eyes. “Then I’ll see you soon. Maybe you can teach me how to fly that plane of yours when you come visit.” gentle sobs slipped out between words, Keith cursing himself for being like this for their last conversation.
“Keith...don’t worry it’ll be okay. I’ll be back by the end of the day. You’ll see me step out of that capsule smiling like a little kid. I’ll rush back here as soon as possible and tell you all about what I saw. What it was like...” Shiro trailed off, listening to Keith trying to compose his words through soft sobs. “And tell you I love you.”
Keith’s whole world came to a stop. Those words. Shiro just said them to him. His sobs didn’t completely stop, rubbing violently at his eyes and processing if he had heard correctly. “You...love me…” He repeated, the breathless shaky words like a ghost on his lips.
“I love you. I do, Keith. We may just be talking like this but...I know this is love. I wanted to tell you before I left.” It was an unsaid just in case, something Keith held onto.
“I love you too, Shiro. Takashi…” He had been told Shiro’s real name once, but never used it. It felt too intimate. Keith wasn’t going to keep in unsaid between them forever. Besides, he liked how using it made Shiro catch his breath.
“Hearing that name from you...Keith I hope you know I’d kiss you if you were here.” He admitted, the words nervous yet sure. He had wanted to kiss Keith for awhile...even dreamt about it.
“Kiss the radio.” Keith responded softly, leaning forward. “On the dial.” His eyes lidded, vision still foggy with tears.
“An indirect kiss.” Shiro was happy to do it. “It’ll hold us over until you’re in my arms.”
“...yeah…” Keith whispered, pressing his lips to the dial. The silence on the other side told him Shiro was doing the same, eyes closing tightly to try and imagine Shiro here instead of just a radio. His eyes fluttered open when he heard the smack of Shiro’s lips, the man making sure to be loud enough when he pulled away for Keith to hear. It was enough to pull a chuckle from him.
“I have to head out, Keith. Remember...one orbit and I’ll be right back on Earth. And before you know it, I'll be knocking on your door in New Mexico.” There was a thud as Shiro bumped his head against the radio. “I love you. I’ll see you soon.”
Keith had to use all his willpower to not tell Shiro to stay. “I love you too. I’ll be waiting for you to get back. I’ll always be waiting for you.”
Hearing Shiro’s footsteps fade was almost worse than the silence that followed.
Keith couldn’t help himself...he pulled up an old video of live news coverage of the launch and started it as soon as the time matched with where Shiro was. Tears bubbled back up in his eyes when he saw video of Shiro, whispered pleas as the Mercury-Atlas rocket fired up and launched Shiro along with the ‘Friendship 7’ spacecraft. Maybe there was a change. Maybe Shiro does live and he will be right back at the radio soon.
But that would never happen. As everyone readied for re-entry Keith was already holding back tears. Everyone seemed excited. The recovery of the ‘Friendship 7’ seemed to be going well. A NASA spokesperson helped explain what was going on...talking about how they expected the damage to the capsule because of re-entry and how they had a heat shield to protect the astronaut. But then they couldn’t get it open.
And now there was worry...and when the door was finally pried off? The glimpse of the inside you could see from where the coverage came from was horrid. Like someone had put a bunch of junk into an oven and watched it melt. That’s when Keith had to stop. He dropped the datapad, gross sobs no longer held back as the weight of the world came crashing down onto him. He knew this was coming and yet it still felt like everything was being torn from him.
Luckily Matt had been in the other room, hurrying in as soon as he heard Keith. He knew he couldn’t do anything to help emotionally, so instead he turned off the datapad and, for the first time in months, disconnected the radio. Permanently.
He was taking Keith home with him to his family...they could at least offer support. They all knew about Shiro and Keith.
It took a long time for Keith to really get out of the house. The Holts were happy to have him, of course. They were all supportive and did everything they could to help Keith get through this. None of them ever told Keith he should have expected this. Instead they were understanding.
It’s what made things bearable.
It felt like a massive step for him when he opened that final book again. All the notes he had written about Shiro were there...the messages before he truly knew him. It was nostalgic to just flip through the pages.
But near the end he noticed there was an ending he hadn’t seen before. He was sure he hadn’t. It was unmarked...an image at the bottom of the page accompanied by a passage by Marilyn. This...it was new. This hadn’t been here before! Keith’s eyes widened as he quickly read over the words.
“Dear readers, I have a final passage to add to this book I feel is significant. There was a man my husband grew to care for very much.
They spoke through a radio almost daily, much to my amusement. I had never seen Shiro so happy before those last months I had with him. Even so - I haven’t heard from that man since Shiro’s death even when I have attempted to reach out and find him many times.
I only hope that he will read this and see that after everything he is welcome in our family. No one should have to grieve alone.”
She wrote about him. As if she was using this book as a way to try to invite him into their family’s life even after Shiro’s passing. Keith was so sick of crying, and yet here he was. But there was still a paragraph left...and even through the burning pain in his chest he couldn’t stop the soft smile that spread across his lips.
“I know there will be some who look in disgust towards my husband because of what I will say, but I refuse to let such an important part of him go through history unshared. He loved that man, and I supported them both. I had never seen him so in love before,
and even if I had only ever heard his lover’s voice, I knew the feelings were just as strong on the other end. If this changes how history looks on Shiro, then so be it. I will at least know he is smiling down on those happy for what he had.
I only hope that his lover finds happiness even in Shiro’s absence. It’s what Shiro would have wanted for him.”
Happy tears. Keith didn’t think this would make him cry happily, but something about this impacted him differently. Marilyn cared enough to share about him and Shiro. Was willing to defend them publicly to indirectly tell Keith what he needed to hear. Under the note from her was what seemed to be a scan of a rough drawing, and it didn’t take more than a moment for Keith to know what it was. It was him, or what he had described to Shiro. This...was the drawing he made. It may not be completely accurate, but there was a resemblance that had him...laugh. It was a sobbed laugh, but a laugh none-the-less.
“Look how beautiful you drew me.” Keith said softly, bringing the book to his chest. “I got to see your drawing after all, huh Shiro?”