Work Text:
Gray drifted awake, grumbling under his breath as it felt like no time at all since, he’d dropped off, and he wasn’t ready to wake up yet. However, before he could drop off again, there was a shifting above him, and for a moment he tensed, panic gripping him as he registered the warm weight bearing down on him. Half asleep, his mind struggled to connect the dots, dreams and memories, blending together, and he could feel his magic stirring, ready to defend him as ice started to gather around his fingers. It had spread across his palms, reaching his wrists, when he realised the body bearing down on him was almost too warm, and he huffed a sigh, shaking out his hands and letting the ice melt away, panic fading as he recognised who was straddling him.
“Natsu,” he murmured, shifting slightly, the warmth that was almost too much, comforting against his skin as Natsu moved with him. He waited for a moment, eyes still closed, waiting for the Dragon-slayer to respond, ideally with a kiss since he’d woken him so early.
Instead, a couple of minutes crawled passed without the slightest movement from his partner, and biting back a sigh, he opened his eyes, blinking away the sleep before looking up at Natsu. The lost expression on Natsu’s face was all that he needed to see to know what was going on. It had happened too many times since the end of the war for him not to. Shivering he remembered the first few times that the Dragon-slayer had roused them like this. Clueless as to what was happening, he had put his foot in it more than once in those early days. Now, he moved with the confidence of experience, reaching out for Natsu’s hand, taking a moment to find it, before tangling their fingers together and squeezing in a slow, steady pattern, until Natsu finally met his gaze. Oh Natsu, his gripped tightened, seeing the ghosts in that gaze, a shadow that was rarely visible during the day anymore, but gained ground in the depths of night, when dreams and exhaustion lowered Natsu’s guard and allowed everything to come rushing back in and swamp him.
“I’m still here,” Gray murmured, not worrying about Natsu being able to hear him even as the quiet words seemed to be swallowed by the tension in the air. Instead, he guided the hand that he was holding down to his chest, allowing Natsu to feel the steady rise and fall of his chest. The reassuring beat of his heart. “Can you feel it? Hear it?” He asked, voice soft. There was no response beyond a slow blink, but that was okay, Gray could weight, and he kept their linked hands pressed to his chest, focusing on breathing deeply and steadily.
I wonder what the world would say if they could see us now?
There had been countless rumours and news stories about their guild in the aftermath of the war. And one of the comments he had seen bandied around, especially as they had moved past the first anniversary of Zeref’s defeat, was how ‘easily’ Fairy Tail had settled back into its everyday patterns, it mages seemingly untouched by what had happened. They hadn’t seen the months it had taken to get back to that point, the long weeks and months of healing physically and emotionally. The brawls that had been a little too real, a little too serious. The nights when the guild was quiet, even with all of them dare, drinks raised to unspoken memories. The nights when they couldn’t sleep hounded from their beds and sometimes their homes by nightmares that were reluctant to fade. The hesitations that had slipped into their patterns when they were on jobs, the foundations that had brought them this far, cracked, and slow to heal.
Part of Gray wanted to grab those reporters, and all the ‘curious’ bystanders and drag them hear to see what ‘normal’ truly looked like for them these days. Another part of him was glad that they didn’t know because they couldn’t and wouldn’t understand. They didn’t know what memories twisted themselves in Natsu’s mind, driving the Dragon-slayer to seek him out in these moments, needing the proof that Gray was here and alive, and not whatever his mind had conjured for him. Or the memories – clawed, scaled hands reaching for him as flames blasted against him, Natsu’s face twisted into something inhuman – that meant that his first reaction on waking, even in the safety of their own home and bed, was to summon his magic and turn the world to ice. The fear of standing to lose everything, especially that which was most precious to you, and possibly at your own hand. He wouldn’t want them to, as there was already enough people scarred by that knowledge, and yet he couldn’t help but wish they understood that the scars were still there and that sometimes they bled.
Warm fingers curled around his, drawing him out of his darkening thoughts and the irritation that always simmered beneath the surface in moments and he smiled. “I’m here,” he repeated quietly, realising that some of the tension was starting to leak out Natsu. It was a gradual process, flowing out with each deep breath that Gray took, and the Ice Mage was content to wait, feeling the Dragon-slayer relax in increments.
He wasn’t sure how long it took, but eventually, he was rewarded by Natsu moving, the Dragon-slayer lifting his other hand and resting it against Gray’s chest too, fingers curling against the pale skin, as he took a shuddering breath. “Gray…” Natsu met his eyes, still a little lost, but his expression was shifting now. Relief came first, pure, undiluted relief, the same that had gripped them both when they’d realised the war was over and found each other in the chaos, trembling as they’d wrapped their arms around one another. Love – not that Gray had ever doubted it, not after that reaction, but there was something breath-taking about seeing it so visible and bright in his partner’s eyes, a devotion that had only strengthen through everything they had endured.
Then came the guilt.
That was like being doused in icy water, even with Natsu’s warmth still engulfing him and he growled under his breath. He wasn’t surprised, for how far all of them – especially Natsu – had come since the war, he knew that it would be a long time, if ever before either of them could completely forget the guilt of having attacked one another. For Natsu, it was intensified by the fact that he had been E.N.D. That his continued existence, even with the demon’s banishment, meant that Gray had broken the promise he’d made to Silver. And the fact that everything that had happened had been tied to his family, his death -something that still gave the Ice Mage nightmares, as he had been unable to stop himself imagining the Natsu he had grown up with in that position. Most of the time, he managed to mask it behind his usual grin and optimism, never forgotten, but not holding sway as it had in the early days, but in moments like this it shone through, and Gray hated it.
“I’m…”
“If you apologise, I will set Erza on you in the morning,” Gray threatened, cutting off the apology that he could hear forming in Natsu’s voice. Still, holding their linked hand in place against his chest, he leant up, kissing Natsu to take the sting out of his words, and knowing that actions spoke clearer than words to the Dragon-slayer. Natsu made a startled noise, halfway between a protest and a plea, wanting the closeness, the sign that Gray forgave him and reluctant to believe that he deserved it. Gray deepened the kiss, wishing that was enough to banish the doubts and guilt, still half considering letting Erza lose on his partner in the morning, as she tended to see things more clearly than either of them, just as she had in the battle. He was starting to build himself up to using harsher methods. Usually switching their positions, and holding Natsu in place as he explained in clear, brutal fashion how he felt about everything that had happened until he felt the words were breaking through – when he finally felt a flutter of pressure in the kiss. Natsu tentatively responding to the kiss and threat, and Gray sighed into the kiss, smiling as he deepened it briefly before pulling back and resting their foreheads together. “I’m here, you’re here, and that’s all that really matters.”
It wasn’t that simple, and yet at the same time, it was. The past couldn’t be changed, the memories weren’t ready to fade just yet, and the guilt lingered for both of them. But they were here, alive and together, their heartbeats a testament to that as Gray pressed closer until their hands were trapped between them, feeling Natsu’s heart pounding in counterpoint to his own steadier heartbeat. Alive. Here., He felt rather than saw the shudder that swept through the Dragon-slayer, Natsu leaning into him, the last of the tension bleeding away and leaving him slumped against Gray as he breathed shakily. “I know.”