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Loss was something that Gray was intimately acquainted with. His parents, Ur…his father for a second time, friends and family, some only temporarily, others in that terrible, permanent way that left scars on his soul. A grief that couldn’t be forgotten. Yet, at that moment, he felt like a new-born babe faced with the possibility of loss for the first time as he cradled Natsu’s head in his lap, one hand buried in the pink hair, the other tangled with the Dragon-slayer’s lax grip that had seemed so strong only a short while before. I’m losing him. It was irrefutable. Undeniable. Even if he hadn’t been able to feel the way Natsu laboured for each breath, or how the strength had faded from the fingers curled around his, he couldn’t hide from it. It was there in the bond between them. The shimmering warmth that had bound him to Natsu for so long, and yet not long enough, beginning to dull and fade around the edges, a chill that had nothing to with his ice slipping into it.
I can’t lose him. I can’t…
Gray looked up, searching for the others. For a miracle that he knew wasn’t coming. It was Wendy, currently crouched beside Erza, hands glowing as she healed the other woman, tears streaking down both their faces who whispered that there was nothing to be done. And as he watched, her magic failed as she collapsed against Erza with a sob, wailing her grief to the world, and he looked away, hands trembling. How dare she? How dare they… Lucy was on her knees on the far side of the ice that had burst out of him at Wendy’s declaration, forcing the world that wanted to take something else from him as far away as possible. The Celestial mage watching them with a lost expression on her face as Loke crouched beside her. Stop looking like that, he’s not going anywhere, Gray thought, arm tightening around Natsu, as though he could force his thoughts into being. You hear that Flamebrain? You’re not going anywhere.
So, why couldn’t he bring himself to look down at Natsu?
“You’re going to be fine,” he said instead, no longer looking at the others, only vaguely aware that others from the guild were joining the rest of their team beyond the ice. He still wasn’t looking at Natsu though. His attention caught by his ice, that shimmered, much like the fluttering bond at the back of his mind.
“Magic can’t fix everything,” Ur had told him one night when he had crept out of his bed, torn from his sleep by a nightmare. A memory. The stench of death, and the weight of grief driving him to seek her out, tears in his eyes, pleading with her to teach him more magic. To give him something that could fix what had happened. He was a child, and magic was all that he had left, and he had already seen what her magic could do – so why couldn’t it fix this?
A child’s wish.
“Why not?” He demanded, heart, sinking at her words. Ur had never lied to him as far as he knew, but he couldn’t accept this, because if he did, it would mean admitting that no matter what he did. No matter how strong he managed to become, it wasn’t going to change anything.
“Some things shouldn’t be fixed,” Ur was unfazed by his anger, looking down at him with a slight smile, that only years later would he release held more grief and sorrow than mirth. “If we could fix everything, then nothing would have meaning.”
“But…”
“It’s hard to believe at times, but sometimes the pain is necessary,” Ur cut across his protest, wrapping an arm around his shoulder and drawing him into her side. “You don’t have to understand that right now, but one day you will.”
You were wrong Ur, I still don’t understand, Gray thought. He didn’t understand how any of this could be necessary, or how there could be any meaning in this looming loss. They had won. They had put everything on the line, and won, so how was this fair? They’d already paid for their victory in blood and tears, sacrificed magic and promises, and their First Master. What more could the world demand from them? As though in answer, the bond between him and Natsu hummed, a sorrowful song that not even Gray could mistake and his vision blurred as he shook his head, a futile defence against the inevitable. Not him…
Movement caught his attention, forcing his gaze downwards at last as he felt Natsu stirring in his lap, the shifting as light, and weak as a butterfly fluttering against a gale. Gray tightened his grip, an attempt to keep the Dragon-slayer anchored, and stop him being pulled away by the chill that he could feel settling into Natsu’s body, and the shadows creeping into the spaces around the bond. I can’t lose him. He blinked away tears that he hadn’t been aware of, trying to banish the thought of losing Natsu, even though he knew that it must already have slipped into the bond, even before he saw the realisation in Natsu’s eyes as the Dragon-slayer blinked up at him. Natsu’s eyes had always been too expressive, and right then it was like falling into a deep, bottomless well of emotion – pain, exhaustion, fear and a deep, dawning acceptance that rocked Gray to his core.
“You’re going to be okay,” he whispered, forcing the words out even as the lie turned them to ash in his mouth. It’s not a lie. It can’t be a lie, it… Natsu frowned, even that effort seeming to exhaust him, eyes slipping shut for a moment before he opened them again, and Gray flinched at the pity in them, the grief. No. Don’t look at me like that. Don’t look at me as though you’ve already accepted that this is it. As though you’re about to leave me. He could feel it in the bond, the wave of anguished understanding, followed by an eerie calm that terrified him, but before he could say anything, Natsu had reached for him. Trembling fingers that lacked the warmth that he had come to love, brushing against his cheek.
“G-Gray…”
“Don’t,” Gray shook his head, not ready to hear the words, especially from Natsu. You’re going to be okay. You have to be okay. Natsu sighed, fingers curling against Gray’s cheek, as his eyes closed and reopened slower each time. Gray had to fight the urge to jostle him, not wanting to exacerbate his injuries, burying the small voice that sounded too much like rationality that told him that it was already too late to worry about such things. “Natsu, stay with me,” he urged instead, heart hammering in his chest, as Natsu blinked slowly at him before the Dragon-slayer turned his attention outwards. Gray caught a fleeting glimpse of himself stood in front of Deliora, ice forming around him, as Natsu stared at the ice separating him from the rest of the world, feeling a flicker of fear, not for the looming loss – but for the possibility of another. The promise he’d made echoing through the bond, and he was the one to look away this time, as Natsu’s attention shifted back to him, aching at the reminder, and hurt that Natsu would worry about that now. You’re not going anywhere, so there is no reason for me to break my word, he thought, trying not to notice how close to a lie that sounded even in his own thoughts.
Natsu distracted him, grief bleeding through the bond as his mate saw their friends, and the grief that had already claimed them, and Gray was defiant as Natsu looked back at him again. He wouldn’t grieve, not yet, because there had to be a way to stop this. To fix this. Magic can’t fix this, the ghost of Ur whispered in the back of his mind, and he could see that thought echoed in Natsu’s expression as his hand fell away. “Gray…”
“I said don’t,” Gray scolded, or at least he tried to, but it sounded more like a plea than anything and Natsu frowned and shook his head, reaching for him again, and this time the chill in his fingers seemed more pronounced. As though the fire in him was burning down to embers. As though he was slipping away. He’s not. I won’t let him, and yet it sounded weaker than before, something in his soul quivering as Natsu smiled up at him, weary and fading, but still smiling for him. “Natsu, I…”
“I know,” Natsu whispered, voice fainter than before, the weak, breathy tone another blow against Gray’s wavering denial because that wasn’t how Natsu sounded. Natsu was strong and burned bright even in his darkest moments, but right now, he seemed small, like a single, flickering candle against the longest night. I’m not losing him. I can’t lose him. I can’t…. His grip tightened again, as though that would be enough to make those thoughts reality and stop Natsu slipping away from him. He flinched as Natsu breath caught, a whimper greeting the action as he accidentally jostled his injuries. He was beginning to apologise, when Natsu’s hand moved, clumsy and trembling, as the Dragon-slayer pressed a finger to his lips, silencing him. “I don’t think…we have a choice…” He whispered, tilting his head as though listening to something in the distance, and Gray paled as he realised that his thoughts and desperate pleas had been bleeding into the bond too.
“Natsu…” He mumbled against the finger on his lips, and Natsu smiled. Beautiful even with the crimson on his lips and the shadows clouding his eyes.
“I wish…” Natsu murmured.
“I know,” Gray pulled away from the silencing finger, cutting him off, but not harshly. Unable to bear the thought of Natsu finishing that thought. There was too much that could follow those words. So many things for them both to wish for at this moment, and yet his rebellious mind couldn’t help but chase that thought, or maybe Natsu was the one thinking it, their thoughts, and hopes and memories merging in the bond.
Things that could have been done differently.
A childhood spent fighting, a friendship that had could have blossomed a lot sooner if they hadn’t been so stubborn. Not that Gray would have changed it for the world, because Natsu had pushed him forward, had made him grow stronger, and it wouldn’t have been the same if they’d abandoned that rivalry to early, and he felt rather than heard Natsu’s agreement with that sentiment. Both of them chuckling at the memory of their younger selves falling backwards onto the grass by the river, bruised and still exchanging taunts and insults, confident that their rival was always going to be there.
That should have been done differently.
Gray wasn’t sure which of them flinched first. Their thoughts drawn inevitably to the moment that was still too close. Gray, his skin turned dark with his surging back, grief and rage, mingling until even the bond with Natsu was lost to the storm, swallowing any hesitation he might have had as he went for Natsu…no, not Natsu…E.N.D. A promise to a dead man, his fear for his guild, overriding everything, even when it was Natsu’s face that swam before him.
Different. Changed.
Yet still Natsu…
That they would never get a chance to do.
“When this is all over, I want to take a job or a holiday. Something that’s just the two of us,” Natsu murmured, curling into Gray’s side and burying his nose against the Ice Mage, drinking in his scent, as though trying to imprint it on his memory, and maybe he was. Neither of them had talked about the fight to come, or what might be lost. Gray had his promise to his father. Natsu had the secret about the weapon he carried. Secrets. Promises. Cracks that they knew could spread further when the war reached them, and right then, pressed together, their lips meeting for a frantic, desperate kiss, it was easier to think about the future, and Gray smiled as they broke apart.
“That sounds perfect.”
Their dreams ran deeper than that. Reaching S-Class still lay ahead of them, getting married – something that Gray had been ready to bring up before Tartaros and the year apart had happened. A lifetime spoken of only in shared glances, unspoken promises and gentle touches. A love borne of friendship that was meant to last the ages. For all that Gray had once thought that Natsu would never be anything but a rival, he knew that he would never love anyone like he loved the Dragon-slayer. A once in a lifetime love. The kind that had not only shaped his life – past, present and future but had shaped his world.
And now it was crumbling.
Slipping away with each ragged breath and sluggish blink. Creeping away as shadows encroached on the struggling bond, Natsu’s thoughts and feelings become less cohesive, images and words flickering like quicksilver through both their minds, too quick for Gray to gasp, but he didn’t need to. He knew Natsu inside and out, and he could feel his fear, his grief, and regret. “I know,” he whispered again, and this time he wasn’t talking about the unspoken wishes or even their feelings, his now bleeding into Natsu’s. Instead, it was a tacit admission, that he knew what was coming. His denial crumbling as Natsu smiled, relief clouding his features and Gray could feel a sob bubbling up, building to a howl in the back of his throat. Because the bind was flickering and fading with each strangled breath they took together, Natsu’s hand falling away and Gray squeezed the hand he was still clinging to, drawing the dimming gaze back to his own, as he fought to find his voice.
“I-I…I wish we’d had longer…” Natsu blinked, and sighed, head rolling to the side and coming to rest against their linked hands, and there was a spark of denial, loss and grief flooding the bond along with one final thought before it fell silent.
…Me too…