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Natsu sighed as he pushed his half-eaten lunch around the plate for the umpteenth time, knowing that Mira was going to scold him if he didn’t finish it again, but the thought of choking down another mouthful had his stomach churning. At least that was what he told himself it was, not wanting to admit that he wanted to drag this meal out as long as possible, anything to delay the inevitable of finally being allowed to see Gray for the first time since everything had happened.
At first, the delay had been for both their sakes, to let Natsu heal from his wounds – at his own insistence because he didn’t want Gray to have to see the physical evidence of his actions. And Wendy and Porlyusica had been exhausted and drained after taking care of the Ice Mage to deal with him right away. Then the Rune Knights had descended, and Natsu had been dragged into giving statements. Later arguing with Makarov when he had agreed that they could see Gray, feeling anything but vindicated when they’d been escorted out by a fuming Porlyusica for upsetting her patient. Natsu had nearly set the guild alight at that, and he had been ready to storm upstairs to check on his mate, ignoring his own uneasiness at the thought of seeing Gray again, when she’d stopped him with the news that Gray had asked that he be left alone for now. He’d refused visitors for the last four days, and Natsu… Natsu had let it go because if he was honest, he wasn’t sure that he was ready yet either, even though he’d felt like a coward for each hour and day that had passed without him seeking out his mate.
It wasn’t him.
It was Lucy who had hauled him into the guild this morning, pushed him down and told him to eat after taking a look at his pale face, and the shadows under his eyes. Then as he’d tried to choke down what Mira had given him, his first proper meal in days – something he suspected Happy, who was conspicuous by his absence had told them – she had told him it was time for him to stop being stubborn and go and see Gray. His protests that his mate hadn’t wanted to see anyone had been shredded when she had informed him in a tone that said she thought he was an idiot. And that whatever Gray might have said, it didn’t include him and that the Ice Mage had asked about him more than once, even if he had refused whenever Porlyusica or Wendy had offered to fetch the Fire Mage. Natsu had wanted to believe her. He still did. Yet, the fear simmered beneath the surface, the doubts that he couldn’t put into words, and so here he was, waiting for Porlyusica to let him in to see his own mate, and wanting nothing more than to bolt back to the safety of their home and hide away from the rest of the world.
“…Natsu? Natsu!” He jumped, blinking as he found Erza standing over him, her tone and expression indicating that she had been trying to catch his attention for a while. There was a flicker of fear as he took in her scowl, but it was short-lived, buried beneath everything else and he sighed.
“What?”
Erza appeared taken aback by his response, tilting her head as she studied him for a moment, and Natsu fought the urge to look away or curl up under her suddenly too-knowing gaze. He was still waiting for the reprimand, and he was caught by surprise when instead she settled onto the bench beside him, leaning into his shoulder as she asked quietly. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine.” It wasn’t entirely a lie, physically he was all but healed, only a couple of bruises lingering to remind him of what happened, and they were carefully concealed by his clothes. Inside though he felt hollowed out and raw. At night he found it hard to sleep, and not just because Gray wasn’t curled up in their bed, and when he did manage to drop off, he just found himself replaying their fight. The dark, empty eyes and the words that had been meant to burrow deep, causing more pain than the physical injuries, and he would wake up with the Ice Mage’s name on his lips, just to repeat the cycle. He couldn’t say that to her, because however bad he felt, he knew that his mate had to be feeling a hundred times worse, and Natsu hadn’t been there. I abandoned him, Natsu baulked at the realisation, unable to look at her as he thought back the urge to throw up.
“It’s all right not to be okay, Natsu,” Erza murmured, and he flinched wondering just how much she had seen in his expression, shaking his head in an attempt to stop her words. He didn’t want absolution; he didn’t deserve it, but she wasn’t stopping. “After what happened, and what he did to…”
“It wasn’t him!” Natsu snapped.
“Not really, no,” Erza agreed quickly, apparently realising what she had implied, shooting a glare at the people who had glanced across at Natsu’s raised voice and they all promptly turned back to their previous activities and conversation. “But it looked and sounded like him, and I saw you believe it for just a minute.”
Natsu wanted to deny her words. He wanted to argue that he had never doubted Gray, but it would be a lie, and he looked down as he remembered that terrifying, devastating moment he had thought that his mate had turned on him. It wasn’t just that he had sounded and looked like the Gray he knew and loved, it had been everything, his smell, his touch, everything that Natsu had learned by heart over the years had been there and unchanged by the magic that been controlling him. Rationally, and with hindsight Natsu knew that it hadn’t been his mate. Yet he couldn’t shake the memory of Gray’s eyes filled with hate, lips twisted with a snarl of anger, as sharp, hurtful words spilt out in the voice that was a twisted parody of the one the Dragon-slayer loved and yet at that moment had sounded so much like him that Natsu had believed. “You’re nothing to me, you never were.”
He didn’t realise that he was shivering, or that he had pressed a hand to his chest, remembering the burn of ice as it had slipped across his skin, hungry and designed to hurt, destroy…and worse, until Erza’s hand grasped his. He flinched at the contact, knocking his half-finished lunch to the ground, an apology already bubbling up even though he choked on the words, as an unexpected sob rose with it. Apparently, Erza had been expecting it though, because he was abruptly pulled into a tight hug, and he froze for a minute, wanting to pull away from the offered comfort, still unable to shake the feeling that he didn’t deserve it. But, Erza’s hold tightened as though she knew what he was thinking, her fingers beginning to run through his hair. “Let it out.” It wasn’t just permission. It was the same thing that Gray had whispered to him the night he had lost Igneel, even though the Ice Mage had been reeling from his own loss and everything that had happened. Natsu didn’t mean to give in, but something in his chest splintered beneath the words and the memory and he pressed his face into her shoulder and wept.
*
Natsu wasn’t sure how long they’d sat like that. Him coming apart at the seams, as every hurtful word that Gray had flung at him, the physical blows and the ice that had crept towards his heart with deadly intent bled out with each tear shed. Erza holding him together. She didn’t give him empty platitudes, in fact, she hadn’t said a word, just anchoring him as he broke, arms warm and solid around him, fingers playing with his hair. When he had eventually tried to pull back, head aching from the crying and eyes sore and red, she had let him go just enough to adjust her grip so that her arm was slung around his shoulders, and he’d almost laughed, a broken noise rising as she held out a handful of tissues. She had been more prepared for this than he had been. That embarrassed him, as did the audience that was trying so hard to pretend they weren’t watching what was happening, but he didn’t have the strength left to care or pull away, instead accepting the tissues and trying to clean his face as best he could, feeling hot and sticky. He still felt hollowed out, but in a different way than before, no longer as raw and painful, as though something dark and poisonous had been sucked out of his soul.
“Thank you…” He muttered.
“For being so different, you and Gray are both too stubborn for your own good when it comes to your feelings,” Erza replied, and Natsu almost pointed out that she was just as bad, before deciding that he wasn’t in a rush to get on her bad side right now. She lifted an eyebrow at him, as though she knew just what he had been thinking before letting it go with a shake of her head. “And no one knows how to hurt you like Gray.” Natsu couldn’t deny that. Oh, it would have hurt if any of his friends had been turned against him, his heart aching just at the thought, but Gray was different.
He had always been different.
“He could have hurt me a lot more,” Natsu whispered, faltering as he realised just how true those words were. Gray knew everything about him. Had seen him at his darkest, at his weakest, and yet hardly any of that had bled through into the words he’d been forced to say. “You’re nothing to me, you never were.” That had hurt. It still hurt, because they had always been something, if not everything to one another. From rivals to reluctant teammates and friends, to boyfriends and mates. But…He could have said a lot worse, and he could have thrown E.N.D. and Zeref at me, just the thought of that had Natsu tensing, and yet it also gave him hope. Because, Gray had known all that, and could have used it against him. However, even when the magic gripping him had been at its strongest, he hadn’t so much as hinted at it.
It was as though bawling his eyes out had cleared his head, and he was seeing things more clearly, the spark of hope becoming something more as he glanced at Erza who nodded with a slight smile. “You knew?”
“Not for sure,” Erza admitted. “But we’ve all seen how far you would go to protect him, nearly destroying yourself in the process, so it wasn’t too hard to imagine him doing the same.”
“I…”
“It’s not your fault,” she cut him off, and now she was the one to pull back, shifting so that she could face him and now she turned stern. “It wasn’t his fault, but he hurt you, and we should have talked about that sooner. I could see that you were hurting, and I forgot that you were an idiot who would try to handle it all by yourself until it ate you up from the inside.” Natsu scowled, but couldn’t argue with her words, he’d even refused to talk to Happy when the Exceed had tried to get him to open up about what had happened and how he was feeling. In fact, he shifted uncomfortably as he realised that he had snapped at his best friend at one point, making a note to apologise to him as soon as he saw him.
After he’d apologised to Gray.
“I was an idiot,” he swallowed, tilting his head up towards the second floor where his mate was hiding, trying to push him away for the same reasons that Natsu had been hiding. He knew what he needed to do. What he wanted to do, and yet the doubts lingered, locking him in place. “I’m afraid…” He whispered, knowing even as he said the words that Gray was probably afraid too.
“That’s okay too,” Erza smiled at him, her sternness melting away again. “Now that you know that, you can stand up and fight, right?” The echo of his own words from what felt like a lifetime ago, brought a startled laugh to his lips, sniffling as he scrubbed at his face once more before taking a deep breath and nodded. I know what I need to do, for both our sakes, but… Erza stood up and held out a hand, cutting off his doubt before it could reform, and under her expectant gaze, he couldn’t do anything but take it and allow her to pull him to his feet. “But you don’t need to do it alone,” she added, pulling him towards the stairs and Gray, and Natsu followed her, his heart beginning to pound again as he realised that he was going to see his mate.
Gray…
**
The urge to bolt had returned when they’d reached the second floor, and maybe Erza had realised because she was gripping his arm, pulling him forward, and Natsu honestly wasn’t sure whether it was fear of aggravating her or the need to see Gray that was keeping him moving. He just knew that it seemed like no time at all before he found himself in front of the room that Gray had been moved to after his desire to be left alone. Something that couldn’t be guaranteed in the infirmary when the guild’s brawls usually landed at least one person in the room every day. He could smell Gray, ice and pinecones, and a lingering trace of cinnamon that came from him, but more than that he could smell the fear, and despair, mirroring his own emotions but a hundred times stronger, and the bottom dropped out of his stomach.
Gray…
He wasn’t aware of Erza releasing him, or her promise to wait outside in case she was needed. Everything had narrowed down to his mate’s scent, to the realisation that Gray was hurting and that he hadn’t been there. It took him a couple of attempts to open the door, his hands trembling, his own fear surging back up as he finally cracked it open and slipped inside. What was he going to find? The Gray from his memories and nightmares, empty-eyed, his expression twisted by the magic controlling him? His mate wanting to know where he had been all this time. Or…
For a wild moment, Natsu thought that the room was empty, and his stomach lurched. Not again. Porlyusica had assured them that the dark magic was gone, but what if she was wrong, what if Gray had slipped away again… No. Natsu could smell him, the scent too strong for Gray not to be present, and as he focused, he realised that he could hear ragged, panicked breathing, and hear the frantic beat of a heart. “Gray?” He called, voice cracking and breaking, his fear and bout too close to the surface. His breakdown had eased it, but not banished it and here and now, about to come face to face with his mate, they were rising like a tidal wave. He’s afraid too, he reminded himself as he stepped forward, following the sounds around the bed that showed clear signs of being occupied until recently and coming to a halt on the far side.
Gray had pressed himself into the narrow space between the wall and bed, arms wrapped around his legs in an attempt to make himself even smaller, and Natsu froze. All his fears and doubts crushed beneath the ache that blossomed at the sight of his mate. The Ice Mage’s head was buried against his knees, but that didn’t hide the fact that he was shaking, or the pounding of his heart, which seemed deafening in the otherwise quiet room. “Gray,” Natsu whispered and took an unsteady step forward. At that moment it didn’t matter what Gray had said to him, or that if he breathed too deeply, he could feel an echo of the ice creeping over him, all he wanted to do was reach out and wrap his arms around his mate.
At the sound of his voice, Gray’s head shot up. The dark eyes that met his for a moment were full of so much emotion that it felt as though Natsu had just been punched in the gut. It was such a far cry from the Gray in his nightmares that he could almost believe that it had all been a figment of his imagination, at least until the Ice Mage’s eyes widened and he flinched back before looking away. “Go away…” The request lacked any kind of strength, and Natsu hesitated for all of a second before stepping forward, focusing instead on the tremor in his mate’s voice. The fear that he had seen. Fear that he could have eased by being here sooner.
“Gray…” I’m sorry…
“Don’t!” Gray’s voice rose, and Natsu couldn’t ignore the fear this time, closing the distance between them in quick steps and all but throwing his arms around the Ice Mage. Gray went rigid in his arms, much as Natsu had in Erza’s, and it was that memory that stopped him from pulling away, knowing that Gray needed this just as much as he had. The hands that pushed against his chest were unexpected, and he had to fight not to tense, especially when Gray’s magic flared briefly in response to his panic.
Ice creeping across his chest, stronger than anything Gray had ever used against him before. He couldn’t move, couldn’t breathe as it edged higher and higher, heading for his heart, as the dark eyes glittered, triumph twisting his mate’s expression into something terrifying and Natsu knew that it wasn’t him. Knew that Gray could never do this to him, and yet as the ice spread even higher, and shadows gathered at the edge of his vision, he couldn’t help but wonder if he was wrong.
He wasn’t sure if something had shown in his expression, or if Gray remembered the same moment because Gray yanked his hand back. “I’m sorry. Please…please go away before I hurt you again.” That answered his question. It also told him the only thing that he had needed to hear, Gray hadn’t wanted to hurt him. It hadn’t been him. It wasn’t until Gray had said it, that he genuinely allowed himself to believe that was what he needed to hear, to acknowledge that some part of him had feared that at least part of Gray had wanted to hurt him. I should never have doubted him, guilt and relief, fear and doubt, everything was rising in his chest, and with it a dozen apologies, but before he could say anything, Gray was trying to pull away again as he realised that Natsu hadn’t moved. “Natsu, please. I can’t hurt you again…I can’t…”
“You won’t,” Natsu interrupted his pleading, voice far steadier than he had believed possible, and apparently it had startled Gray too because he was looking up again, meeting Natsu’s gaze. “Gray.” Natsu reached out, unable to stop his hand from trembling, and knowing that Gray had seen it as the Ice Mage paled, but he didn’t stop, gently cupping his mate’s cheek. “You didn’t hurt me. It wasn’t you.” The words settled in his chest, and like a stone dropping into water they sent ripples through him, warmth spreading through him, and with-it certainty and his hand stilled as he brushed a thumb over Gray’s cheek. It wasn’t him; it wasn’t my Gray.
“But…”
“You were being controlled,” Natsu cut him off again. “It wasn’t you that hurt me, and I’m sorry that it took me so long to see that. I’m sorry that I stayed away even though you needed me.” Gray was shaking his head, trying to refuse the apologies, in much the same way that Natsu had tried to refuse Erza’s absolution, and he took a leaf out her book, squeezing into the narrow space and pulling Gray tightly against him. “It wasn’t you,” he repeated, realising that while Gray was tense in his arms, he wasn’t pulling away, instead teetering on the edge of collapsing against him. “You know how to destroy me, and you didn’t. You fought against it, you fought to protect me, and the thing that hurt me wasn’t you.” Gray was leaning into him now, resistance fading and Natsu wasn’t sure which of them was trembling more at that moment, his voice cracking. “And you know what?”
“W-what?”
“It would never be you,” Natsu whispered. Taking a shaky breath as he leant his forehead against Gray’s, losing himself in his mate’s scent, banishing the image of the Gray from his nightmares, and replacing it with this moment, this fresh certainty as he felt the first sob wrack his mate. “I know that you would never hurt me willingly.” And I won’t forget that again, he added silently, as Gray’s arms crept around him as the Ice Mage buried his face against him, swallowing thickly as he pulled Gray closer. “Let it out,” he added. Knowing that this was just the starting point, that the fears and doubts would linger much longer than this, that apologies would be repeated a dozen times at least, but finally feeling the echo of the ice fading from his chest as Gray sniffled and curled into him.