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This must have been the worst full moon Remus had ever been through. There was pain everywhere and the cold floor of the shrieking shack was even harder than ever. He tried to sit up with the support of his elbow but failed with a severe pain in trailing from his elbow all through the arm towards the shoulder and couldn’t help let out a little yelp with the pain.
Confused, Remus opened up his eyes slowly and tried to blinked away the blur only to find out that it was only dawn. He could only make out the silhouette of the broken furniture to recognized several new scratches and broken parts. The idea of how he tossed and scratched those heavy wooden things gave him a shiver that has nothing to do with the cold December air.
Why isn’t anybody here? Where is Padfoot and Prongs and Wormy?
He couldn’t put away some terrible images of his friends’ body covered in different kinds of scars because of him. Suddenly the painful memory of last evening hit him. He had been pacing up and down in the shack for 2 hours still with no signs of his friends showing up. They couldn’t have done that to him, especially not on a night of full moon. Of course, there had been times when he had been stood up because of Sirius and James having gotten themselves into trouble and ended up in detention. However, no matter who they ran into on the evening of full moon, they just let it go so that they were able to arrive at the shack on time for the transformation, not even Snivellus.
It had been a long time since Remus had such pain after a transformation all thanks to his friends’ success of becoming animagi. He must have broken his arm, several ribs and lost some blood for the severe pain and the dizziness. There was nothing he could do but to wait for Madam Pomfrey.
Remus just lay there staring at the ceiling because there was no way he could get up. He really missed the way he had waked up with Padfoot curling against him with the soft warm fur brushing his back comfortably. Sirius couldn’t have done that. Sirius, the boy who would always have climbed into his bed whenever he had a nightmare to comfort him and cuddle him back to sleep even when they were in their fifth grade as an age too old to cuddle in a single bed, the boy who promised him in the coldest night that he would never leave him alone and their friendship would last for eternity. There must have been something going completely wrong for they would never left Remus to go through the transformation alone after they had seen the wolf trying to tear himself apart for the first time in the third grade. Suddenly he was horrified for what could have happened to his friends and millions of possibilities had crossed his mind including some absurd ones like Sirius suddenly taken home by his parents for they wanted him to be a decent heir of the Noble House of Black or something like that.
Remus couldn’t stop all those thoughts and literally started to panic until madam Pomfrey came to collect him with a sigh of not having seen such damages he had done to himself for about 2 years.
He saw Snivellus lying on a bed just when he arrived at the hospital wing with the support of madam Pomfrey who had cured his fractures just with flicks of her wand.
“What is he doing here?” he asked madam Pomfrey tiredly who pretended to not to have heard him and forced him to swallow the sleeping potion. Without any more energy to figure out what has happened, Remus drifted into a dreamless sleep.
“Don’t you dare stop me! I have got to see him.” Sirius’s distant furious voice woke Remus up sometime later. Judging from the warm sunshine he must have slept for hours until afternoon. He sat up to find out that he was the only one in the hospital wing now. No sign of snivellus. Had Snape really been here this morning or had it been his hallucination?
“There is no way for me to let you see him, after what you’ve done to him.” Then came the angry voice of James which really puzzled Remus. There would be no way for those 2 boys who were clearly closer than brothers.
“I need to see him. I have to make sure he is OK, alright? At least let me apologize.” This time Sirius’s voice seemed calm and Remus could sense a hint of remorse or guilt in it, which he once doubted whether those are the kind of emotions that Sirius could possibly have, but he still couldn’t figure out what had happened,
“I think me or James should be the one to explain the situation to Moony, alright? Just calm down, dude.” Peter’s squeaky voice came and Remus is now dying to know what the hell had happened last night.
“You’ve got a point there, Wormy. Pads, just go back to the dorm. You can see him there this evening.” James said.
“Hell no! Don’t you give me orders! He is my best friend and I have every right to see him. I have to know he is alright and I have to apologize to him.” Sirius’s voice was raising again.
“How could you claim to be his friend after what he had done to him last night?” James said coldly. Remus thought this was way crossing the line for he could never think of something that Sirius could do to end their friendship completely. This must be the moment for Sirius to punch James if he had been Sirius. But the long silence gave him some uncomfortable thought,
“Oi, could anyone just come in and tell me what the hell happened yesterday?” Remus shouted to the door of the hospital wing as it banged open suddenly. James walked inside first, trying to block Sirius out but failed as the skinny black-haired boy rushed into the hospital wing followed with a nervous Peter.
“Well, Moony, emm ..The thing is that… Well…Sirius kinda told Snivellus how to get into the tunnel behind the willow yesterday and I arrived only in time to pull him down the tunnel as you turned and I think he saw your transformation.” James blasted the last sentence as fast as possible and Remus needed some time to figure out what he meant. Anger started to came up as Remus thought about the whole incident.
“So, Snivellus knows?” Remus asked as calmly as he could managing to repress his strong urge to shout and scream and jump out of the bed to slap Sirius or thump him as hard as he could.
“I am so sorry, Remus, I just…” Sirius started but cut off by the high pitch shouting of Remus.
“HOW COULD YOU HAVE DONE THIS TO ME WHEN I TRUSTED YOU WITH ALL MY HEART? WHAT AM I TO YOU? A TOOL TO REVENGE? TO MURDER? FOR ALL THOSE YEARS, I HAVE ALWAYS THOUGHT YOU WOULD BE THE LAST PERSON TO HURT ME. DOES MY FRIENDSHIP MEAN NOTHING TO YOU? NOW GET OUT OF MY SIGHT!”
“Rem, I am truly and deeply sorry. Just let me explain…” Sirius pleaded with his tears swelling up in his eyes.
“SERIOUSLY! GET OUT! I DON’T WANT TO SEE YOU ANYMORE!” Remus screamed hysterically and only bat could hear it if he screamed a little higher.
“Please…”
“GET OUT! NOW!”
Sirius quietly turned around and walked away without being shouted at for the fourth time. Remus could make out a sob from the black-haired boy but he didn’t care in the slightest.
Remus managed to calm himself done with several deep breathes and a big gulp of water before he turned to his other 2 friends. “Snivellus knows”
It was even not a question but they both nodded anyway.
Suddenly a surge of panic swelled up in Remus. What if he told everyone and they all wanted him dead? Or worse, what if the teachers think it is not a good idea for him to stay in Hogwarts because he nearly killed a student?
“Dumbledore made Snivellus promise that he will never tell any other person.” James put a hand on his shoulder reassuringly. However, this still couldn’t stop the words repeating over and over again in his mind: I nearly killed a student. I almost became a murderer.
“Thank you, mate. Now I really need to rest.” Indeed, his throat was soar from all the howling and the shouting just now. Remus closed his eyes again and started to think about the whole incident and he felt his friends pat him before leaving.
Madam Pomfrey dismissed him before dinner, but he skipped dinner to come up to the dormitory to avoid Sirius and his pleading puppy eyes which he used to feel irresistible but now he only found disgusting.
He was lucky to find nobody in the dorm when he got there and go straight to bed and closed the curtain right away. Crouching under his blanket, Remus just let his tears roll down his face with the thought of how he was used and betrayed. All those pale promises about never hurting him, never leaving him alone and keeping his secrets, did Sirius ever meant any of them? Did he ever mean anything to Sirius? And the thought that he could have hurt a student, another human being made him shiver even though he was in the warm dormitory with a blanket. Had it not been for James to pull Snape out just in time, he could have killed Snape, or worse, he could have turned Snape into a werewolf. He was that close to becoming the person he himself loath the most. What if he was not that lucky? What if this happened again and James was not there? What if… All those thoughts give him a nausea.
With so much thought, Remus drifted into and out of sleep now and then but he could always fell the tears on his face.
At some time, he heard Sirius rushing into the dorm and calling out, ”Remus? Are you there? We need to talk.” But he just pretended to be asleep to avoid talking to Sirius and heard him left.
He didn’t know when the boys came back to sleep and he was woken up by the squeaky noise from the bed beside his. Sirius was rolling over and over in his bed which only means that he was having a bad dream.
Had it been before, Remus would have climbed into his bed and caressed the beautiful black hair to calm him down and cuddled him back to sleep. He heard Sirius moaned, ”Sorry” with a little sob subconsciously and couldn’t help feeling sympathetic for his suffering because of him. However, as Remus thought about what Sirius had done, he couldn’t stop the rage swelling up in his chest. Trying to ignore the moaning and sobbing and fast shallow breath coming from Sirius’s bed, he shut his eyes tight to drift back into sleep.
However, the sudden stop of all the noise worried him a lot more. He peeked from the gap of his curtains to see Sirius suddenly jumped out of his bed and rushed to the bathroom, with another huge noise of throwing up and the flush of the toilet all he could hear was the rapid panting and a little sobbing of Sirius. All he wanted to do was to go there to comfort his friend but the moment what his had done crossed his mind, his stomach churned.
Then came a thud from the bathroom, which finally Remus couldn’t bear any longer. He climbed out of the bed and walked to the bathroom to turn on the light, only to find Sirius sitting by the toilet hugging his knees to his chest with head buried into his knees.
Sirius looked up and Remus could see the track of tears on his check.
“I am so sorry, Moony.” Sirius looked at Remus with his pleading puppy eyes, “I couldn’t stop myself before those words came out to Snivellus. Just forgive me, please?”
Remus had never seen someone more pathetic than his best friend curling up on the floor of the bathroom and really wanted to say “I forgive you.” but he just couldn’t. The thought of his friend’s recklessness nearly made him a murderer or just the same as Greyback who turned him into such a resentful beast only made him sick.
Biting his lips, Remus just shook his head. There was suddenly hurt and sadness in Sirius’s eyes and it all made the seen much more unbearable for all he wanted to do is to kneel down beside his friend to run his hand through the beautiful curly hair to comfort him and to hex him or punch him at the same time. How could someone have such conflict feelings at the same time? It was driving him crazy so Remus just turned around and head back to his own bed.
He lay there for a while, unable to sleep, listening to his friend’s sobbing stopped at last and the switching off of the bathroom light and then he smelt Padfoot curling under his bed. Usually in a night like this, when he was so miserable that it was hard for him to fall asleep, it would always have been Sirius that made it possible to go back to sleep. Those comforting scent of Sirius was the only thing that could take his mind off anything miserable. And now is such a moment when he needed his scent to fall asleep. Remus slipped off his bed again and he could feel the giant black dog under his bed turning his head towards him to stare but he just ignored it for he couldn’t bear to see the hurtful eyes. He climbed up Sirius’s bed and finally fell asleep soaked in the Sirius’s scent.
***
When Remus woke up the other day, Sirius is no where to be seen. He sat up and dressed up quickly and went down to the Great Hall with James and Peter but still no sign of Sirius.
Actually, for that day, he could only see Sirius arriving in class the moment before the bell rang and sat in the farthest corner alone while he sat with James and Peter in their usual spots. Sirius would always be the first to leave and nobody had ever seen him in the Great Hall for meals. Nor had anyone seen him in the common room in the evening.
James and Peter started to worry about Sirius’s absent too when it was nearly 12 o’clock but Sirius is not in the dormitory. James tried to find the map to find Sirius but it was nowhere to be seen.
Deciding that it could only be Sirius who stole the Marauders map thus he wouldn’t end up in trouble, the 3 of them just went to bed after bidding each other goodnight.
***
It had been 4 days since the incident and Remus still couldn’t find Sirius other than in the class but he could tell that the boy seemed to become paler. James was still angry with Sirius at the same time.
It was on the transfiguration class when Remus spotted Sirius falling asleep rather than staring outside the window absent-mindedly as usual. (Yeah, even though he hated himself for this, but he could never stop himself glancing at his friend no matter when or where he was. And sometimes he saw Sirius just jerk his head towards the direction to the window the moment he glanced at him and could help wondering if he had been staring.)This was quite worse than him flirting with McGonagall as usual. He kind of missed the way the handsome boy called “Minnie” with a smirk on his face which would always drove the professor mad to conceal the flush on her face. What was worse, Sirius actually started to snore.
“Mr. Black, I believe you must have something more important to learn in your dream rather than in my class.” Professor McGonagall shouted angrily to Sirius.
“Sorry, Minnie. It is just your attractive voice that’s wearing me out.” Sirius jerked awake and muttered in a horse voice sounded like he was having a heavy cold. This was even the worst level of flirtation. Sirius used to be way better than this. Remus turned around to find the tiresome look on Sirius pale face. “Actually, I think it is so melodious that it is giving me a headache which is literally killing me. “
“I think you need to go to the hospital wing. Mr. Potter, take him to the Madam Pomfray before my ‘attractive’ voice really killed him.” Professor McGonagall said sarcastically.
James wanted to argue but when he caught site of Sirius’s pathetic state it was hard for him to just leave him like that. He went back to the corner of the room and dragged him out of classroom.
Remus, with his better-than-average ability of hearing because of lycanthropy and he tried hard to listen to what was going on between the two boys.
“Damn it, Sirius, What the hell are you doing to yourself? You’re burning up. Where have you been.”
“I slept in the common room for the last few days, ok? And every morning I was frozen to wake up because the fire just went out some time in the night. I… I just can’t be around him, OK? I can’t bear his look of disgust and hatred. Anyway, that is what he wants, right? How can I still be friends with him after what I have done? I deserve this. I deserve to freeze to death in the common room. This is all my damn mistake. James, don’t you look at me with that pitying look. It is you who said that I don’t deserve to be his friend and I think you are right.”
“Shh… Mate, you are not thinking clearly and I think you two need to talk about it. Seriously, you can’t stay like this forever, OK. I’ve started to miss you, miss the pranks we four put together, miss the night with you joking around and flirting with everyone. I believe he must have missed you more because I know he slept in your bed every night after you went missing. Come on, buddy, just talk with him alright? Do something to make it up.”
“I would do anything to make it up to him. But…” Sirius’s voice was too distant to overhear and Remus started to feel pity for his friend.
“What did you hear? What the hell is Sirius doing?” Peter elbowed him and muttered to him eagerly. Remus just shook his head and continued to focus on the class.
When they got back to the dorm after class, James just appeared right after them.
“How is he?” Remus asked eagerly the moment James closed the door.
“He is alright, just a cold I think, and he begged Madam Pomfrey to let him stay for the night.” James sighed as he shook his head. “He is really upset and very guilty. He wanted to talk with you, to apologize I think.”
“Good way for him to talk with me by disappearing completely.” Remus said rolling his eyes.
“Look, he is suffering for what he had done to you, alright? He could barely eat and barely sleep and he had no one to talk to because we all were angry with him. Don’t you dare say you don’t miss him ‘cause I know you do. Just talk to him. Visit him in the hospital wing, OK?” James said tiredly, “He told me what really happened and it turned out that Snivellus was saying something really bad about you because he was really that close to figuring out about you.”
“And Sirius just punished him by giving him the correct answer?” Remus said angrily.
“Hey, don’t get that mad about me. I am just telling you what he told me and I am not saying I approve what he had done for I am extremely for his recklessness actually, not just because I have to be the one to save Snivellus’ ass.”
“It is easy for you to forgive him. You are not the one he used as a tool to murder someone he hates.” Remus snapped back.
James opened his mouth to argue again but Peter just said, ”Maybe it is time for us to have dinner, I am starving. We can all go to visit him in the hospital wing after the dinner.”
“Hell no” Remus muttered but followed his friends downstairs for dinner.
***
Remus made an excuse for he suddenly remembered he had to borrow several books to read for the Christmas holiday which began tomorrow as his friends made jokes about him reading for Christmas but didn’t stop him.
Lying on his bed, Remus couldn’t stop his thought about it would be almost a month before he could see Sirius again and he didn’t want to spent the whole Christmas hating Sirius. To be honest, he never really hated Sirius. He was just too angry and astonished by what Sirius had done. Actually, he was even a little worried about his friends going home for Christmas for the new scars he had always came back to school from home with. Remus knew that deeply in his mind, no matter what he would always forgive Sirius in the end, maybe he had already forgiven him but he just couldn’t convince himself that what Sirius had done would be so easy to forgive.
Climbing out of his bed to find the invisibility cloak from James’ unpacked trunk, he sneaked out to the hospital wing only to find the skinny boy fast asleep. It was such tranquil scene with Sirius’s chest up and down slowly with his deep breath that Remus couldn’t bear to wake the handsome boy. With the moonlight shining on the high cheekbone of the boy, he gazed at the lines of Sirius’s jaw and the long thick eyelashes. “Be safe at home.” Remus muttered under his breath as he ran his fingers through the soft curly hair over to his shoulder with great fondness subconsciously and thought that he could just have stared at Sirius sleeping forever were it not for what Sirius had done. The moment he thought about what Sirius had done, he shivered and clutched the invisibility cloak tighter. He heard Sirius whispered “Moony?” but he just ran back to the dormitory under the invisibility cloak.
***
As Remus woke up next morning and went down to the Great Hall to have breakfast, he spotted Sirius sitting there with half a bacon in his plate. Hesitating whether to sit next to him or not, the boy just through the last part of the bacon into his mouth and stood up to leave. As Sirius turned to find Remus staring at him, he smiled a half smile nervously and touched Remus’s shoulder softly while muttering “See you in the dorm.” as he passed by him. Remus’s heart just skipped a beat with this tender touch which he had missed so much.
Remus gobbled whatever he could let his hands on at the breakfast as fast as possible and ignored James and Peter’s questioning look an rushed back to the dormitory to find Sirius. They really needed to talk for Remus couldn’t stand another day with Sirius avoiding him or himself angry with Sirius.
He pushed open the door of their dorm and Sirius jumped at the sound. Sirius turned around and his face softened as his grey eyes finally land on the amber eyes of Remus’.
“Hey” Sirius said sheepishly, “I have really missed you.”
“Me too” Remus answered as he approached Sirius slowly while muttered Muffliato to the door.
“I am really truly sorry.” Sirius sat down on his bed and patted on the tidy bedsheet next to him gesturing for Remus to sit beside him.
Remus walked by and sat next to Sirius carefully to maintain the distance between them as Sirius continued.
“I didn’t know what got into me recently. When Snivellus told me Reg and my mother would rather wanted me died than have such an heir, I controlled myself before I could hex him. However, I just lost my temper when he said that they didn’t know their heir would probably marry not just some half-blood, not just a bloke, but not even a human being.” Sirius swallowed and clearly, he was still furious about what Snape had said.
Remus said nothing but just felt all the warmth was drained out from his body and waited for Sirius to continue.
“I just couldn’t control myself with those words about you anymore. Not that I would marry you someday in the future.” He joked a little, trying to light up the atmosphere but Remus didn’t laugh. Far worse, his face sunk because this lousy joke just enraged him even more. “Anyway, all in a sudden, I just wanted him to hurt and to suffer. I wanted to threw all the hexes I knew on him and I wanted to punch him, to beat him.”
“Instead, you sent him to me.” Remus said coldly, “Only to affirm what he had said about me. To use me as a tool to let out your anger. No wonder I am not even a human being,”
“NO! REMUS! That is not what I meant. It just came out of my mouth before I could stop it. Please. You know how I would always blast out something I would regret later without even thinking about it. And I truly regret what I have done. Please, just forgive me. Please, Remus.”
“WHAT AM I TO YOU? AM I EVEN A FRIEND OR JUST SOME BEAST WHO COULD HELP YOU TO HURT OTHERS? AM I A WEAPON OR WHAT? HAVE YOU EVEN CONSIDER ME AS A HUMAN BEING? HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME KNOWING THAT THE THING THAT I FEAR MOST IS FOR ME TO TURN ANOTHER PERSON INTO A WEREWOLF.” Remus finally lost control and started to yell at Sirius hysterically.
“Remus, Please, you know that is not what I meant. I never wanted any of this to happen. I just regretted telling Snivellus the moment I burst out those words. But what’s done it’s done. You’ve known me for all those years and you know I would never ever do anything to hurt you deliberately.”
“And the Sirius I thought I knew would never tell any other people my condition.” Remus snapped back.
“I am soooooooooooo sorry. Just give me another chance. Please. Just forgive me. Tell me what I need to do so that you can forgive me. Please. I am begging you.” Sirius pleaded again.
Remus had never seen this supposed to be self-centered boy begging and here he was, pleading and begging for his forgiveness. There was a twist in his gut when his eyes met those pleading puppy eyes and he could no longer bear it.
He just turned his back against Sirius and said ”Turn back the time and undo what you’ve done.”
“You know I can’t. Please. Remus. Anything I can do.”
Remus turned around again, looking at skinny boy again, “Just go, get out of my sight. Go home to your dear mommy and be a decent heir. Leave me alone.” Remus’s heart sunk as those words rushed out of his mouth. That was it. That would have been the end of their friendship. He had said the unforgivable words to Sirius.
Sirius’s mouth opened and closed again. There was hurt and disbelief in his eyes. For what hurt Remus the most, there was anger which Remus had never seen in those deep grey eyes shooting towards him.
***
Remus spent their journey back to London on the Hogwarts Express trying to read but failed. Sirius was nowhere to be found again. He just stared into his pages but mind wandering about Sirius, about what he had said earlier, about how it hurt the person you trusted the most betrayed you in the worst way possible, about how he hurt the person he used to care the most with words he really didn’t mean.
He could feel James and Peter exchanging questioning looks and James trying to talk to him several times clearing his throat but he just ignored him.
Remus thought about the whole incident and couldn’t help wondering why he had been so angry just in a sudden knowing that he could never ever hate Sirius actually. He was extremely angry but he thought he must have overreacted.
***
Stuck at home, Remus was quite boring. For the first few days he stayed at home, he received like 10 mails a day from Sirius of apologizing. Sometimes it just came with a Chocolate Frog or other kinds of chocolates. He never returned any of the mails for he was mad at Sirius at the same time and he didn’t know what to say or whether to forgive him.
After a few days, the owls suddenly stopped to come and Remus started to worry that Sirius had really given up. Without seeing Sirius for days, Remus missed the boy more and more and became less angry for what he had done. It was just an undeliberate mistake and Sirius promised to never do that Sirius is just killing him too.
Finally, 2 days before Christmas, Remus wrote a very short mail to Sirius “Pads, I forgive you. Can’t wait to see you at school. Just wait for your Christmas gift and I think I can make it up to you for being such an ass to you recently. Love, Moony.”
But there was never a reply and Remus started to be worried on the second day. He wrote to James to ask him whether he knew how was Sirius recently in the afternoon. James relied immediately that he hadn’t heard from Sirius for days and he was quite worried, too.
He was still quite worried on their lovely Christmas Eve dinner with his parents wondering how could he made it through the years left in Hogwarts with Sirius hating him and refused to talk to him. Suddenly, there was a ring on the telephone and it made no sense for nobody would bother to call them on Christmas Eve. Remus’s father Lyall stood up to pick up the phone.
“Hello?” and suddenly his voice became quite urgent "Just hang in there, stay with me, Ok? Tell me where you are." There was a pauce and then “No, you tell him yourself. Just breath and stay conscious, I will be there in a minute.”
“Dad?” Remus asked curiously thinking it couldn’t have been a good sign.
Lyall just ignored him and threw a cloak over him and Disapparated with a loud “Crack” gripping his wand hard.
Remus looked at his mom and saw the same confuse at her face. “I think someone is hurt and your father is needed.”
“But who would call for help on the phone?” Hope just shook her head and urged her son to keep eating.
About 10 minutes later, there was a loud crack outside the cottage and Remus rushed to the door to open it for his father. What he saw nearly made his heart stop.
His father was carrying a skinny boy covered in blood. The colorless face with several cuts was still so handsome under the long elegant black hair and there were several broken glasses on his body. Sirius was leaning unconscious on Lyall’s shoulder where Remus could recognize Sirius’s backpack too. Nonononono he couldn’t be dead.
“Fallen off the second floor onto the glasses. I managed to mend those broken bones and stopped the fatal bleed. He lost so much blood landing on a huge chunk of Broken glass. I think it wouldn’t take long before he wakes up. Gonna put him on your bed, alright?” Lyall said before Remus could find his voice as they walked to Remus’s bedroom in the attic together.
Unable to say a single word, Remus just nodded. Helping his dad lowering Sirius onto his bed gently and Sirius groaned in pain at the change of his gesture, Remus’s stomach twisted in pain. He kneeled down on the floor at the bedside and brushed the blood off his face gently.
“Shhhhh. It’s alright now. You are safe here, pads.” Remus muttered hoarsely.
Remus turned to his father “Do you think he tried to commit suicide?”
“I don’t think so. He managed to crawl to the telephone booth to call for help for one thing. And he carried a ponderous bag with him. I think he was just emm… trying to escape.”
Remus bit his lip thinking about what Sirius’s family had done to him to made him escape like this. All he wanted to do now was to curl up around the hurting boy and comfort him. Seeing the boy covered in blood with his eyebrows twisted in pain, Remus had wished to take his pain for him.
“Come on, let’s go finish our dinner.” Lyall said.
“No. I am staying here with him.” Remus answered without taking his eyes off his friend’s face.
“Alright, come down if you are hungry. I am going to make some potion that help you after your full moons. You can come down to help me after dinner.” Lyall said trying to distract his son from shock and too much worry.
“Maybe later. Just go and have dinner with mom. You must have been tired for the whole rescuing thing.”
Remus picked up his towel beside the bed and began to wipe away the blood on Sirius’s face. There were several shallow cuts on that perfectly delicate face and the sight of those cuts just made Remus’s heart broke again. He put several traces of hair behind Sirius’s ear and ran his hand through Sirius’s hair like he had always done. Sirius fast shallow breath slowed down gradually under the caress of Remus and finally it became deep like he had just been fast asleep.
Remus grabbed Sirius hand firmly with his spare hand and he could see Sirius’s face expression softened a little at the touch. Remus just traced the scars on Sirius’s face gently and his fingers shook some time when he tried to imagine what the Blacks could have done to him.
He could overhear his parents discussed downstairs urgently in very low voice.
“There was a sign of the boy suffering from Cruciatus curse. And Remus told us about the terrible situation in his family once, right?”
Remus shivered at the idea of his friend suffering from the most unbearable there could have been.
“Oh, that poor boy. There was no way for him to return to that place again. We should keep him here for the holiday.”
“Maybe I should write to Dumbledore about this.”
“Yeah. And I will leave some food for him in case he woke up to feel hungry.”
“You know that boy told me to tell Remus he was sorry and he loved him in case he died in the telephone booth. I couldn’t help feeling how lucky our boy is with us loving him so much and his friend caring for him like this.” Remus blushed and tightened his grip on Sirius’s hand, and cupped Sirius face in his other hand. He looked at his unconscious friend lovingly thinking he could never break his gaze from the handsome but scarred face.
“You idiot, why don’t you tell me or James and Peter about what they were doing to you. There would be nothing to stop us from rescuing you. There is nothing that could stop out friendship Ok? Even not what you’ve done recently.” Remus whispered to him, not knowing whether Sirius could hear his words.
“And I am really sorry for what I told you before the break. I didn’t mean it. I was just furious. Maybe sometimes I am just the reckless one, huh?” Remus forced out a laugh.
He combed the soft curls of Sirius black hair and continued to say to him all those words he had always wanted to say, “I forgive you for what you have done and actually I don’t think I have ever hated you. I was mad at you for a long time that’s true.” Remus tucked Sirius into his quilt tighter and continued, “I doubt that I could ever hate you, you know. You are just so… so kind and nice to me. You are always there for me when I need you and you are the only one who can really calm me down when I panic or cheer me up when I am down. You are my best friend and I really don’t know how I could live without you. I have been missing you like crazy those days when you were avoiding me, but I dare not tell. Could you please forgive me for being such a big baby and made such a scene about all those you betrayed me, you used me thing?”
“Of course, I forgive you.” Sirius muttered back weakly.
Remus jerked up and leaned closer to Sirius, “Hey, finally you wake up.” Remus beamed at him and said sheepishly.
Sirius blinked several times and turned his head towards Remus. “It felt so good waking up with the most beautiful boy in Hogwarts next to me. Or am I dead already and this is just a splendid dream of afterlife?” Remus smiled with relief seeing the boy joking with him but still blushed again at this flirtation.
“Oh, you twat. Of course, you are alive with blood on my sheet. You’ve gotta buy me a new sheet for Christmas, and when is that? Yeah right it is exactly Christmas eve now. What on earth had got into your head to commit suicide on Christmas eve?”
“I didn’t commit suicide. It was just miscalculation. I really cherish my precious little life for I haven’t had enough trouble with my little Moony.” Remus blushed again. He should have gotten used to the way Sirius flirt for all those flirts with him and James and Peter and everyone in the common room or classes, but he still blushed whenever Sirius flirted with him. “So, I reckon you have forgiven me at last since you are not shouting at me now?”
“Yeah, haven’t you received the massage I sent you yesterday?” Remus asked concernedly.
“Well, hard for me to receive any massage locked in my room, right?” Sirius answered gloomily.
“So, what really happened?”
“I’d rather not talk about it right now.” Sirius answered with a shiver and Remus thought it must have been such a painful memory to recall, “Anyway, I’m starving. Is there any chance you git left me something to eat from your Christmas feast?” Sirius winked at Remus and Remus’s stomach twisted again in a way totally different from how he felt when he saw Sirius covered in blood.
“I will just go downstairs to bring what’s left up. I haven’t finished my dinner either, actually. We can eat in bed together.”
“Aren’t you so in love with me that you’ve gotta have dinner with me, huh?” Sirius smirked at Remus as Remus tried to get up and go downstairs to get some food. Only then did Remus realized that they were still holding hands and his face just became redder. Sirius blushed at the same time when Remus let go of his hand but Remus decided to ignore it.
Remus went downstairs to find Lyall boiling some potion on the dinner table in a caldron with smoke swirling up and Hope working in the kitchen.
“How is Sirius?” Lyall asked looking up from his cauldron, concerned.
“He is awake and I think he will be fine. Oh, and he is hungry now.”
“He just woke up at the right time,” Hope smiled as she brought a bowl of newly-boiled soup with her out of the kitchen.
“You go and help him with the dinner, son. I will come up the moment I finish the potion in about half an hour.”
Remus went upstairs with a bowl of soup and some left-overs of their Christmas dinner. He could hear the painful wining that made his heart ache in the room as he pushed open the door to find Sirius struggling to sit up. He quickly put the food down on the table and rushed to help.
“Take it easy, you idiot. Don’t make it worse for yourself.” Carefully helping Sirius up, Remus reassured Sirius, ”Dad’s gonna bring you some potion after dinner. I think it will sooth the pain.”
“So, what’s for dinner?” Sirius asked through gritted teeth because of the pain.
“Soup” Remus smirked.
“I want to have meat, chicken, beef or lamb.” Sirius pouted.
Remus always liked how cute it was for Sirius to pout. He just wanted the adorable scene to last longer.
“Sorry, I have eaten them all. There is only soup for you.” Remus smirked. “Stay here and I’ll bring the soup to you.”
Pouting, Sirius nodded. Remus ruffled Sirius’s hair adoringly and said, ”Good boy.” Sirius flushed a little but kept pouting.
When Remus took both the soup and left-over chicken back from the desk Sirius grinned happily and the radius laughter just reminded Remus the reason why he had a crush for his best friend for such a long time again. He jumped on to the bed and sat next to Sirius to steal a chunk of chicken.
“Hungry too?”
“How could I keep on eating when my best friend just jumped from the second floor?”
“Don’t sound like I was trying to get myself killed. It is just like bumping into a wall when you are running at your highest speed. I have calculated the velocity.” Sirius grinned.
“A wall covered in glasses. Even so, I bump myself every time I transform alone but I believe I could never reach my highest speed in the shack but still I got myself fractures, right? You idiot.”
“Alright, so I couldn’t blame Mr. Newton for this but I should blame you for never tell me about the bumping into the wall?” Sirius mocked with a smirk.
“I am just saying you were a reckless idiot, that’s all. I also believe that you have much better reason to nearly get yourself killed than try some theory of some smart Muggle on yourself.” Remus raised his eye brows.
“Isaac Newton is a bloody genius, OK? The most accomplished scientist. I did some research on what Muggles called “physics” when I want to work out the mechanisms of that bad-ass motorbike they rode. Or you think I would like to lock myself up in my family house for the summers before she let me get to Prongs’ doing nothing? You see, it is about 5 meters from the second floor to the ground and the acceleration of gravity is about 10 meters per square second so when I hit the ground I should be at most at the speed of 10 meters per second and I even didn’t calculate the air resistance…” Sirius kept on about his calculation while slicing a b trunk off the chicken drum stick.
Remus suspected Sirius distracted the topic from what his parents were doing to him on purpose but he decided to drop the topic since his friend seemed determined not to talk about it. “Alright, alright. Professor Black of Physics. But slow down, Ok? Don’t ack like you’ve been starved for ages.”
Remus saw Sirius’s eyes widened suddenly but just nodded silently while eating more cautiously. He assumed that hunger must have been one of the things his parents made him suffer apart from the cruciatus curse, so he wanted to change the subject when he felt the tense in Sirius.
“So how did it come to you to call us? I don’t reckon you have a telephone or what?” Remus remembered giving all his fellow marauders the telephone number of his home by the end of their first year but none of them had called him once. It was such a miracle that Sirius still had his number after all those years.
“Well there is a telephone both just next to Grimmauld Place, and I thought this would be the only way to call for help. I have seen you use the exact one this summer when we hang around together in London right? You were calling for your parents that time as I remembered. So I just did similar thing. I crawled to the booth and tossed some coins in then dialed your number. The only hard part is to reach for the phone when couldn’t get up on the feet. Anyway, I managed to get to your dad.”
“But you were unconscious when you are here. It was just freaking terrifying. I thought you were gone for a mere second you know.” This time it was Remus who pouted. But the fact that Sirius remembered so many details about him like his phone numbers just gave him a warm feeling.
“Sorry to terrify you, Moony. I tried to hang in there as your dad told me but all those attempts to try to reach for the phone just made me dizzy and nauseous. There was blood all over my pants and I think I must have wounded my artery on the thigh. The pain was becoming more and more unbearable. I don’t know. I think I passed out before your dad showed up because I remembered nothing of your dad. I think he came just in time though.”
“Yeah, he apparated just after hanging up the phone without explaining anything to us. Hard to blame you for passing out so quickly with a giant bleeding and being starved.” Remus couldn’t bear to think of the consequences if his father hadn’t turned up in time or Sirius hadn’t memorized his telephone number. Oh, that.
“And you memorized my telephone number even though you don’t even have a telephone in your house?” Remus asked curiously.
Sirius just nodded and bring up the bowl to drank up all the soup left but Remus could see him flush. What if… But Remus couldn’t bear to keep that thought in mind. No body would ever fancy a werewolf, especially his elegant, handsome friend, mister Sirius a-new-girl-asking-him-out-every-week Black.
It was a moment of embarrassing silence when there was a knock on the door and Lyall walked into the room with a goblet of potion and several other medicines.
“Remus, I’m gonna heal Sirius’s wounds and I believe a nice hot bath would do him good once I casted some water-proof charm on his wounds. Could you please prepare a nice hot bath for him? I think he could borrow your pajamas.”
“Alright.” Said Remus as he walked to the bathroom.
“Thank you for what you have done to me tonight, Mr. Lupin. My apologies for all the trouble I caused for your family on this special occasion. Please tell Mrs. Lupin how I appreciate this delicious soup and everything else, too.” Remus heard Sirius saying those words to his dad and sighed with the idea that no matter what, the Black family still taught him to be polite.
Remus was sitting on his bed with a book on his knees when Sirius emerged from the bathroom, in his pajamas. It was a bit tiny for Sirius because he is a little taller than he is. Remus could see the shallow glass cuts on his exposed ankle.
“Feeling better?” Remus asked with concern.
“Yeah. Your dad is amazing.” Sirius smiled at Remus as he went to the quilt Lyall just laid on the floor because there was no extra room for Sirius.
“Don’t. Come here.” Remus patted on the bed and made a gesture to split down to the floor. ”It is uncomfortable down there. You are the Guest and you are the patient. There is no way for me to let you sleep on the ground.”
“Oh, come on, Moony. This is your damn bedroom and I believe you have every right and will to stay in your bed. I think I will just have a nightmare and crawl into your bed in the night anyway.” Sirius didn’t look at Remus when he said the last words.
“Then why don’t you just come on in. I think my bed is slightly larger than the ones in our dorm. Dad cleaned the sheets when you were in the bath anyway.” Remus said.
“Fine. But I don’t promise I won’t kick in my sleep.” Sirius said raising his eye brows.
“I certainly know that.” Remus said as rolling up his eyes “But have I ever complained for even once?” Then he patted on the sheet beside him again and Sirius just slipped in.
After Remus went to the bath room to brush his teeth and changed into his pajamas, he slipped back into the bed next to Sirius. Sirius was still awake, waiting for him.
“’night, Pads.” Remus said as he closed his eyes.
Sirius just hummed in return and rolled over so that he had his back to Remus without any contact.
Remus nodded off quickly but was woken up again by the shaking of his slightly unstable bed then he realized that Sirius was tossing in the bed. There was no rapid shallow breath that usually occurred with a nightmare. Sirius must have been awake for a long time. Or had it been a long time since he fell asleep? It was all quite dark so he couldn’t tell. All he could felt was the tense from his friend next to him.
“Pads?” Remus asked probingly, “Are you awake.”
There was a quiet “uh-huh” and Remus rolled over to face him. “Are you alright? Wanna talk about it?”
There was no answer but a soft sob. Sirius never cried about the things happened in his family. He hated his parents for sure, but he had never cried even though he always returned school with scars he tried so hard to conceal. This must have been serious. All Remus wanted to do is to hug him, to comfort him, to wipe the tears off his face, to tell him that he would be OK.
He leaned next to Sirius and wound his arms around Remus. “It is alright. You are safe here. I will always be here with you.” He could feel the body in his arms relaxed a bit and he kept going. “What they had done to you must have been more horrible than I could have ever imagined.”
“But I don’t have family anymore. I was so lonely there, locked up in my own room without my wand or anyone to just care about me. Not even Reg. All he did was standing there and watching mother tormenting me. I think I have finally lost him, too.” Sirius sniffed again as he turned around. The sorrow in Sirius eyes just made Remus’s heart broke again.
Wiping off the tear on his face, Remus comforted Sirius “You idiot, we are your family. Me, James and Peter. We are one big family. You know how much we all love you and care for you. Much more than those psychopathic bastards, right? Isn’t it enough? And look at my parents, they do care for you, too. And the Potters, who regards you as their second son. Come on, Pads. You are not alone. And you never will be. We will always be here for you OK.”
Sirius just buried his face into Remus’s shoulder and whimpered, “Every time I closed my eyes, it was her wand pointing at me, and him standing behind her emotionlessly. It just hurt so much. I dare not close my eyes more than a blink.” And he kept sobbing into Remus’s shoulder.
“Shhhh…It is alright. It is normal to feel the pain. I am glad you finally talked about it to me actually. You will feel better later.” Remus said while gently stroking Sirius’s back. “You know what I always do when I can’t sleep? Come on, let me show you.”
Remus let go of Sirius and climbed out of the bed. He could feel Sirius’s body tense again when he got out. But when he threw his sweater and jumper to Sirius and asked him to wear both, he seemed to relaxed a little bit. Remus put on more clothes too and swung a robe around himself while asking Sirius to wrap up himself in the cloak he came with.
When Remus took hold of Sirius hand and gripped it reassuringly, he could see a slight sign of weak smile on Sirius’s face but it vanished quickly. He took Sirius to the window of the attic and pushed it open. It was a quiet peaceful night without any wind. Even though it is a little bit cold, there were no clouds in the sky and all those stars were sparkling in the sky. Remus climb out of the window first, then he reached out his hand to help Sirius out.
Sitting on the roof, they could all see those stars clearly. The cold bright moon light shine on their faces making the shining tear track on Sirius’s face more distinct. Even in thorough, Sirius looked so pretty with little tear on his long thick eye lashes which shook a little as he blinked gracefully. Remus suddenly realized that he had been staring at Sirius and quickly looked away trying to hide his blush. He sat down on the roof hugging his knees and patted the spot next to him gesturing Sirius to sit.
Seated side by side under the starry sky, they all looked up. “I always find this view so soothing since I was a little kid. I always come up here to look at the stars in the middle of night when I had a nightmare but didn’t want to bother my parents. They would always calm me down. I come up here more in the summer vacations recently. I think they could always keep me company, whenever I felt lonely.” Remus muttered quietly. And he added in his mind “I always feel as though you were companying me just looking at the star, Sirius. I would always come here when I miss you in the vacation, in a midsummer night.” He could never say those words to Sirius for he had this huge crush for his best friend who seems actually not into blocks at all. Words like that, could literally mean the end of them. Thinking of that, Remus shivered a little.
“Cold?” Sirius asked quietly and Remus just answered with an unhem.
“Me too. Just come close to me. I think that would be warmer.”
Remus squeezed to Sirius who put his hand around Remus’s shoulder to hug him closer. “Thanks” Remus muttered as his heart raised for the closeness. He doubted whether Sirius could hear how hard his heart was beating or could felt the rhythm of his heart from all the contact. This felt really different from the way he hugged Sirius to comfort him.
“You know, I used to hate those stars. My father would made me to memorize all those stars that my family and my ancestors were named after. ‘This one is your grandfather, that’s your brother there. Blahblahblah’ I just hated it. I hated all of them there. But sitting here looking up at the sky, it felt so different with you sitting here with me.” Sirius said slowly and carefully. His deep calming voice was so attractive that Remus couldn’t stop himself from leaning the head on his shoulder.
To his surprise, Sirius leaned his head to Remus’s head naturally and it felt so good, so comfortable, so natural like Sirius’s shoulder was where his head belonged. There was a long silence and Remus was just enjoying the tranquil peaceful moment with Sirius alone, immersed in his scent of wet dog and shallow cologne and his lotion. For a moment, it felt like they were the only people in the whole universe and nothing really mattered except for Sirius. It felt like even the stars were shining for them alone. Remus could sit like that forever. This felt like one of Remus’s tiniest dream was coming true. Remus turned his head to look at Sirius and noticed that his expression relaxed a lot and his breath slowed down too. The sparkles in his eyes were not made by the tears now but was only the mere reflection of the stars but it looked gorgeous with those deep grey irises. Remus could just drown himself in that deep eyes too but then Sirius blinked and turned his head to Remus who must have found him staring. Remus blushed suddenly with a raise of heart beat again but he was lucky that the darkness could conceal the redness on his face.
“Feeling all better now?” Remus asked, looking away from the boy back to the sky quickly.
Sirius nodded. “Thanks, I guess. I couldn’t imagine what could have happened if you would never forgive me.”
Remus shook his head and said, ”I guess I could always forgive you. I think deeply in your heart you know it too. I could never hate you. You are just so…” Remus’s voice went done and he didn’t know whether he could keep going. What if this would be a huge mistake?
There was a shooting star crossing the sky and Remus made a wish quickly. And told Sirius to make a wish too.
“How old are you? Nine? Making wishes to a shooting star?” Sirius said and Remus could imagine the smirk on his face.
“When I was a kid, I sat on the very same place wishing to a shooting star to stop being so lonely and I ended up with you guys. I was nine then and I would still wish on a star.”
“So what did you wish for?”
“It won’t work if I tell you.”
“Oh, you big princess. You are even worse than Trelawney.”
“Hey, I am serious.”
“No, I am Sirius.”
“Idiot.” Remus rolled up his eyes and started to feel numb.
“What time is it now? It must have been Christmas already.” Sirius asked after a short period of silence.
Remus turned to look at Sirius surprised to find him staring at Remus with a weird passionate expression. “Merry Christmas, Pads.” Remus said looking back into those deep silvery shining eyes fiercely.
“Merry Christmas, Moony. And thanks, for everything.” Sirius leaned in and hugged Remus. They remained hugging for such a long time that both of their hands started to feel numb. That was when the decided to crawl back into the bed.
After hearing the soft snoring of Sirius started, Remus let himself to drift into sleep again. That was best sleep he had since the incident.
Waking up with a warm belly under his arm, and all the comforting scent surrounding him, Remus blushed again with the line of solid abdominal muscle under his finger tip. Carefully retracting his hands back, he sat up a little to look at the boy lying next to him under the dim light of dawn. Sirius’s eye brows were twisted together and his eyes were shut tightly. The rhythms of his breath were a little unsteady and there was a little twist in the corner of his mouth sometimes. He must have been having bad dreams. Remus couldn’t blame him because of all the things happened to him and just gently put a tangle of hair back behind his ear and got up as quietly as he could. It was snowing outside and he shivered a little when he crawled out of the warm bed.
Remus suddenly thought of the mornings after his transformation in his childhood. His father would always cheer him up with a light balloon that could float to the ceiling without magic. Hope had always told him it was science but Lyall would just inhale some of the gas from the balloon which would turn his voice into a very high-pitched tune to make Remus laugh. That was actually even funnier than magic which could never have done anything like that even though none of them had ever knew how it worked. Maybe this could help Sirius too, since none of them had come to the age to use magic out of school.
After a shower, the fully-washed-up Remus went downstairs to find several presents under the Christmas tree. His parents were already seated by the table having breakfast. There were floating balloons decorating the dining room and Remus was glad for the first time that his parents had still kept the habit instead of complaining he had grown out of the age that needed those colorful balloons.
“Merry Christmas” Remus said to his parents who greeted him with “Merry Christmas” too.
“How is Sirius?” Hope asked with concern.
“Still asleep, I think. I just checked him before coming down.”
“That poor boy. He must be exhausted after what he has been through.” Hope sighed.
“I think his wounds should have healed by now. But you should bring the breakfast up for him anyway, son. Take him down here to unwrap the presents together after the breakfast. That poor boy. Kept apologizing for the trouble he caused for us and ruining our Christmas.” Lyall added.
Remus nodded and kept on with his breakfast silently.
Remus inhaled large volume of gas from a gas nearby before tying it to his wrist and took the tray with him to the attic.
When he pushed open the door to his bedroom, he could hear some voice inside and realized Sirius must have been chatting with James through their mirror.
“Merry Christmas, Sirius. Here is breakfast for you.” Remus said in the high-pitched squeaky voice and saw Sirius stirred and stared at him raising an eye brow to ask the question. But James in the mirror facing Sirius which means that he couldn’t see Remus asked first, “What the hell, Pads? Who the hell is that? Did I hear a girl wish you merry Christmas while you are still in bed with that tight pajama? Oh my Godric! Did you got laid with a girl on Christmas? You dog!” James blasted out all those questions at once and Remus couldn’t help giggling. Idiot James.
“Oh, this isn’t any random girl I met. This is my girlfriend and I think I am falling in love with her.” Putting on a helpless tone, Sirius said with a mischievous wink to Remus who suddenly realized what Sirius was doing. A prank on his dear friend James, that could keep Sirius’s mind off all his family stuff.
“WHAT??? No wonder why you never answered my calling from the mirror. You were too busy trying to get laid then.” James said as Remus put down the tray of breakfast and took a quick silent inhale from the balloon again.
“Oi, the lady is here!” Sirius raised his voice faking to be angry.
“That’s alright.” Remus said in this high-pitched voice again, approaching the mirror without showing his face to James. “You must be his friend from school. It must be lucky for you to have such a perfect friend. He is so gentle and nice to me. Bet he is the best-looking guy in your school, huh? Look out for me if there is some girl reaching her claws for him. I would murder her with my bare hands.” Remus tried his best to act as Sirius’s girlfriend. How could a guy who had never been on a date pretend to be the girlfriend of the boy he fancied for years to lie to his best friend? This was so damn ridiculous. But looking at the wide smile on Sirius’s face that lighted up the whole room, Remus decided to play along with him. This could actually be the only chance for him to say how he really felt about Sirius without possibly destroying their friendship.
“Pads, you gentle? Hahahaha. When there comes a day for me to meet you, I would like to tell you all about what he did at school. Don’t get deceived by his handsome looking. He might be a devil inside.” James said with a fake terrifying voice.
Remus tried really hard to hide his giggling and continued, “He is quite a gentleman to me actually. I heard him telling about those hilarious pranks he put at school and some are brilliant.” Noticing the thumb Sirius put for him behind the mirror, Remus decided to pull it further. “Sirius is this kind of elegant gentleman. He is not that insouciant as he put on and that is what I fall in love with him for. He did care about his family even though they treated him so badly that was why it hurts him so much and he does care about his friends now. I bet there is nothing he wouldn’t do for you. And of course, he cares for me or else how could I love him so much that sometimes it hurts for me to think who we could part again in such a short time.”
Was it for the gas he inhaled? Remus suddenly gained more courage and kept on about how he felt for Sirius. The gas must have changed something in Remus for he suddenly was willing to say what he always had wanted to say about Sirius. Or… He, Sirius, had given him the courage to keep speaking. If Sirius noticed something, he would just tell him it was for the prank. Taking another deep breath of the mysterious gas, Remus carried on, ”I love to lay my head on his lap as he combed my curls gently or resting my head on his strong shoulder with him hugging me. There were times I thought I could just sit in his arms and do nothing else. I could just sit like that forever, listening to his steady reassuring heartbeat. You don’t get to call him a devil because he is just a perfect angel for me.”
Remus never left his eyes from the face of Sirius and could see him blush as he truthfully said all this words. Sirius was staring back at him with something like curiosity sparkling in his eyes. Remus broke their eye contact quickly to look at the ground when he finally realized how hot his face was and his face must have turned scarlet.
“Oh my Godric. Pads, you are seriously deeply in love with this girl? Our little Sirius finally grow up one day? So, finally, you get over Moony at last?” Remus saw Sirius’s face turned pale suddenly as if the temperature of the room dropped 10 centigrade in a sudden, but said nothing as James carried on,” Good for you, mate. Glad to see you moving on.” James asked and it was like something had struck Remus suddenly.
“What the hell do you mean get over Moony?” Remus asked in a slightly shaky voice and he noticed that the effect of the balloon was about to wear off as his voice lowered a bit. He inhaled again.
“Oooooo jealous little girl, aren’t you? It is alright. If Sirius had done all this to you and tell you all about his family, I believe he is deeply in love with you. I have never seen him blush like that when you said about your feeling. I think you should just relax because I believe he had never had such feelings for anyone else. Anyway, he reckoned Moony never-”
“Oh, shut up, James. There is a girl waiting for me for the breakfast.” Sirius cut him off quickly.
“Right, sorry to interrupt you two love birds and Merry Christmas.” James said and then there was all silence, leaving Remus and Sirius staring at each other both blushing feverishly.
Clearly, what James said about getting over him, it must mean the incident and their whole argument, right? There was no way for Sirius to like him for he is only a shabby boy in overlarge jumpers who turned into a murderous beast and caused Sirius nothing but trouble while Sirius is… just Sirius.
Sirius looked awkward too. He looked sideways after a while and said nothing. Bloody hell. Sirius must have realized how Remus felt for him and found it hard to reject him in a way without hurting him. Remus panicked all in a sudden and had to find something to do. Yeah, maybe he should just pretend nothing he said was what he thought, they were only for the act, for the prank. Remus turned away to fetch the tray and forced with a smile. “That was a good prank, huh? I think he bought it.” Remus tried so hard to cover the awkwardness in his voice.
“Look, Moony, for what James meant by getting over you…” Sirius began nervously again.
“It is alright, Pads. We had that huge fight and he didn’t know I forgave you already. If I were him, I would think it would be a hard Christmas for you with all the mess going on and it would be hard to get over the whole incident. Anyway, we both got over it actually.” Remus said quickly. This had to be it.
“Yeah…” Sirius said vaguely as he started to have breakfast. “The balloon and the squeaky voice, what was that all about?”
“Oh. That. I wanted to cheer you up ‘cause that was what dad would always do after a full moon to cheer me up when I was young. I didn’t mean the pretend girlfriend thing. He would tell me funny stories in that voice and let me play with the floating balloon. That’s it.”
“Thanks…” Sirius muttered and he was still pink in the face.
“Sorry it didn’t turn out the way I wanted. Thought I put on a perfect show there. Listen to how panic he sounded.” Remus kept going. It was easier to back to his normal state to cover up all the signs he accidentally made so that Sirius could figure it out.
“I guess…” Sirius murmured, playing with the bacon with his fork without really focusing on it.
“Hey buddy? Anything bothering you?” Remus said putting up a hand on his shoulder as he leaned forward.
Sirius seemed to be making a huge decision and then took a huge bite of the bacon and said vaguely with all those meat in his mouth, “It is snowing outside. Can’t wait to beat you in the snowball fight. Again.” He grinned when he looked up from the food. So, Sirius had decided to hide what’s bothering him from Remus and put on his unconcerned face, again. Remus sighed at this thought but couldn’t refuse to the bright smile of the handsome boy.
It turned out to be a fun day with them unwrapping gifts together and playing in the snow all afternoon. Sirius did beat him in the snowball fight as usual and Hope did scold for the mud they brought into the house before waving the wand casually and the mud disappeared at once. It was just a little uncomfortable with Sirius trying to maintain a larger distance between them and avoided his eyes on the dining table.
In the evening, when they prepared to go to bed after washing up, Sirius headed to the quilt on the floor directly.
“Don’t be ridiculous, Pads. Come here.”
“I am not a patient today. Those are prepared for me, anyway.” Sirius said avoiding Remus’s eyes again. This was it. Remus decided to find out what was going on in his friend’s ridiculously dramatic brain.
“This is it. I can tell there is something bothering you, Sirius. Just tell me, OK? No avoiding me in the eyes or keeping distance between us. It is just me. You can tell me anything.”
“But you will hate me for this.”
“How many times do I have to tell you I will never hate you?” Remus approached Sirius to but a hand on his back to show him some reassurance but Sirius just ducked from it and grabbed his jacket and swung out of the window.
“What the…?” Remus sighed. Sirius must have noticed how he had felt for him after all this time. Then there would be no way to hide or cover it with some lie. He should just be honest and tell him and made sure it would be ok that he didn’t feel the same thing and tried to remain the same. Remus flung a cloak over himself and climbed out of the window.
Sirius was lying on the snow-capped roof with his head on his crossing hands staring at the sky. Remus sat down next to him.
“Sirius, I…” Remus began but cut off by Sirius quickly.
“The words you said to James today, there is a special someone who you feel that way for, right? Who is he?” Sirius asked abruptly.
Great. You blow it all just for the prank.
Remus decided to stick with the truth this time. He should have told him sooner before this crush deepened.
“Well, let me explain…”
“How could you start dating someone without telling me. Without telling any of us? We have all grew out of the age of trying to guess who dates who right? I thought after what we have been through together, you could at least tell me you are gay. Right, I have noticed that for a long time. It is quite obvious and I have waited for you to come out to us. But you never did. You don’t even bother to tell us that when you find the love of your life!” Sirius bellowed out all this furiously.
“WHAT?”
“What? You are not gay? I am so sorry about that.”
“I am. Sorry I didn’t come out sooner. But I am not dating. I have never been on a date, actually. But you were right. All those words were true. I did have that feeling for…” Remus swallowed nervously as he could felt his heartbeat ricing again. He looked down at his own knees and then looked upwards to gaze directly into Sirius’s sparkling eyes. He suddenly realized that earlier in the morning, it was He, Sirius, who had given him the courage to tell how he felt, because he had always wanted to tell but he feared too much. Meeting those worried and slightly hurt eyes, Remus took a deep breath and said finally, “You.”
There was a sudden silence and Sirius sat up, which startled Remus. Alright, he was done. Sirius was gonna hate him and Marauders was finally brought to an end because of him. Realizing what He had probably done, Remus dare not look at the look on his face. “Punch me if you like. I can’t control how I feel. You are just so…” Then a gentle hand reached under his jaw and forced him to look up at Sirius. Remus could only find this fierce sparkling look on his face as he leaned in slowly and pressed their lips together. For a mere second, Remus couldn’t think of anything but the soft lips of Sirius’s. Then he kissed him back, with more passion. He was totally immersed in the kiss because it just felt so right, so perfect.
They broke apart after a while but still staring into each other’s eyes. “Why would I punch you when I had this huge crush on you since the moment I laid my eyes on you. I thought you have always known but felt differently. I thought I was quite obvious. Even James Idiot Potter figured it out years ago.” Sirius whispered.
“Maybe I was the bigger idiot.” Remus murmured back with his arms rounded Sirius’s waist.
“It has always been you, Moony. Always.” Sirius said with a little peck on Remus’s cheek. “I was just so heartbroken to know that you fell in love with someone else but me today. You have always acted like we were just friends.”
“I tried to act like that because I believe that was what we only could have been. How could the most handsome and romantic boy in the whole school fall in love in me? The shabby little unnoticeable werewolf.” He could feel Sirius hugging him tighter with their fore head against each other. He pecked on the lips of Sirius’s very gently again before Sirius could began.
“Don’t even think about that. Moony, you are so smart and funny and cute. And other good qualities I could keep talking about till dawn. I have always thought you beautiful at school, you know. Watching you so stunning under the starlight yesterday, talking in that charming voice, I just love you more. And now?” Sirius looked up and then focused the gaze in Remus’s eyes again.” Look at the stars. Look how they shine for you.” Then he leaned in to kiss Remus again. Much slower, deeper and full of emotion.
“So, I assume my wish came true then?” Remus whispered against Sirius’s lip.
“You wished for me to snog you yesterday? You git.”
“’Course not. I wish you could love someone who could love you back as much as I do so that you won’t be lonely anymore.” Remus whispered.
“That exactly is the reason why I love you so much, too.” Sirius said as he laid back down to the roof to stare back at the sky. Remus laid his head on his chest while combing Sirius elegant long hair gently with his hand and listening to the strong comforting heartbeat of Sirius’s. He turned to look at the stars, too. “You know the real reason that I really like to come here during the vacations is…” he murmured as Sirius stroke his back comfortably, “I felt nearer to you this way, with Sirius up in the sky. I always come up here when I miss you. It was like you were there with me.”
Remus could feel the hair of Sirius was wet because of the melt snow on the roof. Suddenly he realized how cold it is despite the warmth of Sirius and couldn’t help shivering.
“Cold, Moony?” Sirius asked gently.
“Yeah… A little. It was snowing hours ago.”
“Well, Actually… I have a better idea.” Sirius said as he reached for Remus’s hand and squeezed it tightly.
They got up and Sirius led Remus back to the attic.
It must have been before dawn when Remus heard a sudden urgent whisper “Sirius” of James’s voice. Damn him calling Sirius in this early hour.
Remus felt the body under his arm squirmed a little and he hugged him more tightly against his chest. There was another louder ”Sirius” from the mirror and he could hear Sirius whispered “Fuck off, Potter!” before he reached out for the mirror. The movement of Sirius was a little uncomfortable for Remus and all he wanted to do was to fall back to sleep so he just retracted his arm and rolled over to have his back against Sirius.
“What the hell do you want now, Potter?” Sirius said with a little fury obviously grumpy for being woken up at such early time.
“I assume this is a good time to talk to you about the ‘love of your life’, Sirius. The girl isn’t awake, right?” James whispered.
“Sleeping as dead. Like I was a minute ago before you bloody wake me up.”
“You never said a word in the morning when she said all those words about you. I reckon you must have loved her a lot if you told her all about you and your family and our little prank. But come on, you never told me about this girl and I assume you must have known her just for a little while. How could you do this to Moony. I know you have always thought Moony had no feelings for you but the more I thought about you two guys, the more I believe it might not be the truth. I have actually caught him staring at you in class or something. And he seemed rather enjoying it when he was lying on your lap reading. You know, this isn’t fair to him…”
“Cut it off you idiot. And why the hell do you care about my love life now? You didn’t give a damn about all those girls and guys I was shagging with before. Just leave it and let me go back to sleep alright?” There was some impatience in Sirius and the squeak of the bed is actually annoying Remus.
“’Cause I care about you guys. I just think you should give it a try before totally letting go of Moony. He is a nice guy and so are you. You are my best friends and I don’t want to see either of you heartbroken, alright? Do you know how hard it was for me to get up this early to seek an opportunity to have this conversation with you privately?”
“Oh, fuck off, Potter. There is nothing for you to worry about. That girl was Moony pulling a prank on you.” Sirius said as he waved his hand impatiently.
“ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?” James exclaimed loudly and Remus thought it would be enough. He sat up and leaned in to see a very surprised face under those untidy hair as Sirius nodded.
“I am. Well technically, I was fucking Sirius. And since you brought it up…It give me the idea…” Remus turned to Sirius and saw how lovely he was in his sleepy eyes and the messy hair and he couldn’t help cupping his face in his hands and leaned in to kiss Sirius fully on the mouth.
“Ewwww. I am happy for you guys but I don’t want a live broadcast of this! Oh stop it. I don’t think I am able to fall back to sleep now. Oh just… Fine I am just gonna throw this damn mirror away. Ew stop that noise. Come on guys. Fuck. Stop it. I know you two are together now. There is no need for this. BLACK! LUPIN! I am gonna kill you I swear! Is this what I have to see every day when you two perverts come back? I am gonna ask Minnie to change dormitory. Bloody hell just stop it or stop me or throw away the mirror or do anything. Godric, I hate you guys. I am going to kill you guys, literally…”