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Natsu sighed as he rested his chin on his knee, one arm wrapped around his leg, and the other bracing him as his other leg dangled over the edge. He wasn’t worried about the drop beneath him. However, the scaffolding that surrounded Kardia Cathedral as it slowly, painstakingly returned to its previous glory would probably break his fall if he did care about it. His attention wasn’t on that, or the possible fall, but rather the guildhall that was slowly starting to take shape on the other side of Magnolia, the damage that had been done by the war slowly fading away. In a few weeks, it would be as though nothing had happened. He wished that the same could be said about the scars, physical and mental, lifting a hand and pressing it to the scar left by what should have been Zeref’s killing blow. If he closed his eyes, he could Zeref’s face twisted with anger, and feel the moment that the magic had torn through him, obliterating the skin, muscle and bone its path. I should be dead. He felt sick as the thought bubbled up, but he couldn’t deny it. If not in that moment, he should have died at least a dozen times during the fighting and yet he hadn’t.
When they’d first won – back when he’d naively thought that they could call what they’d achieved a victory even with Mavis’ death, and the damage that had been done to them, Magnolia…Fiore – he’d thought the fact that he’d survived against the odds was cause for celebration. He’d joined in with the party that had spread through the city, mage and civilian, Fairy Tail and non-Fairy Tail mages mingling amongst the rubble. Revelling in just being alive, and when Gray had found him in the middle of that, sweeping him into a kiss that had bordered on desperate, he had thought the worst was over.
He’d been wrong.
He wasn’t quite sure when the first cracks had appeared. Maybe, it was when Porlyusica had descended on him to check that he was really all right after the near-miss with the seeds inside him, Gray trailing along, no longer angry, but somehow distant. Or when Makarov and Erza had chewed him out, not only for going after Zeref alone in the first place – not the brightest idea he’d ever had, he could admit in hindsight – but not telling them what he’d learned about Zeref…about E.N.D, so that they could help him. He hadn’t been able to look at Gray during that painful conversation, knowing that secret and the fallout from it was still shaky ground for them, and he hadn’t wanted to tell them that it had been for Gray. A desperate, foolish attempt to spare the Ice Mage from having to decide whether to keep or break the promise he’d made to Silver. And look where that got us, Natsu thought bitterly, hand shifting to another scar, this one left by ice that had bitten a little too deep, driven by Gray’s fury and hurt when they’d faced each other. If Erza hadn’t stopped us…
That was part of the problem too. Neither of them had been able to stop. Sure, neither of them had been entirely in control at that moment, and he shivered, remembering his fear and grief over Lucy and the numbness of E.N.D’s hungry rage sweeping through him. It was close as a thought still. As though if he slipped for a moment, he would find himself back there, even though E.N.D. was gone, written out of his life. But, even when E.N.D. had been at his strongest, part of Natsu had recognised that it was Gray that he was facing, his scent as familiar to the Dragon-slayer as his own, and he still hadn’t stopped. Nor had Gray, even as he’d shouted his name, searching for some sign that Natsu had been in control, although Natsu privately wondered if that would have made a difference, hating the fact that he doubted that it would. Not that it mattered now. What mattered was that they had looked at each other. Recognised one another, and still been willing to go all the way. Could anyone come back from something like that? Could they?
Natsu had thought they could, or at least he had hoped they would. But, looking back on the months since then, all he could see was cracks spreading between them. Maybe, it was because up here there were no distractions. No teammates pulling them away on jobs, or pushing them to help with the rebuilding, keeping their attention on the present and trying to find normality again. No Happy, who still welled up at the thought of how close he had come to losing Natsu, that made it impossible for the Dragon-slayer to truly regret the fact that he was still here, even if a darker part of him knew that he shouldn’t still be here. No, Gray trying desperately to pretend that everything between them was okay, or at least getting there, masking the shadows in his gaze with a smile that never reached his eyes, the flinches hidden by punches that lacked the force they should have had. The Dragon-slayer laughed, a harsh, broken sound that was too much loud in the quiet, as he realised that he’d known it all along. He just hadn’t been ready to see it or admit it.
Something had broken between them.
After everything. The childhood rivalry. The bickering and arguments that had spilt over to fisticuffs. After Tartaros and Avatar. This one fight had done the unthinkable, and Natsu didn’t know how to fix it. He wasn’t even sure that he had the right to, remembering Gray’s fury and pain, the betrayal.
I’m sorry.
How many times had he said that since? Whispered in the spaces where conversation failed them, or late at night when the memories twisted into nightmares and roused them. He didn’t know, but he knew that it didn’t matter, he could say those words until the end of time, and it wouldn’t be enough. It wouldn’t fix what was broken. It wouldn’t banish the fear he’d seen in Gray’s expression that morning.
Natsu had woken to an empty bed, trying to quell the sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach as he’d rolled over, his fingers confirming what his nose had already told him. Gray wasn’t there. There had been a time when he could count the number of times that Gray hadn’t slept beside him on one hand, despite the heat he let off and the fact that he drove the Ice Mage up the wall with his restless movements. These days, it felt like it was every other day that he woke to find that Gray had slipped away at some point during the night, and for a few minutes he just lay there, staring up at the ceiling through strangely blurry eyes. He didn’t know what was going on, and every time he’d tried to press the issue Gray had blown him off – he was too hot, Gray had just woken up early and not wanted to disturb him, a nightmare… excuse after excuse, and each one more of a lie than the one before, adding an unpleasant note to Gray’s scent as he stared at him, silently pleading with Natsu to accept the lie. And he had, again and again, because deep down he was afraid of the truth.
The fear was still there, a horrible, looming realisation that he didn’t want to put a name too. But, it was buried beneath the hurt of waking alone in their bed and realising for the first time that Gray’s scent was no longer as strong in the room as it should have been.
Pushing back the covers, he’d slid out of bed. Taking his time as he tracked down his clothes, distracting himself by picking up one of Gray’s hoodies and sniffing it.Easily able to tell that it hadn’t been worn for a while, even though the Ice Mage had always made a point of wearing it at least once a week so that it would smell of him when Natsu inevitably stole it. Feeling sick, he’d yanked it on over his own clothes, before draping his scarf around his neck, needing the familiar comfort as he finally forced his feet towards the door.
The flat was quiet, but he knew that Gray was still there, the Ice Mage’s scent growing stronger as he padded towards the living room. He hadn’t meant to be quiet, although his footsteps had sounded too loud to his own, more sensitive ears, and he had thought that Gray would have heard him coming, however, when he had appeared in the doorway, he had caught a fleeting glimpse of his partner huddled on the far end of the sofa. The blanket draped across his lap, betraying the fact that he had been there a while. Then the Ice Mage was up and moving with a startled noise, ice forming, and Natsu had to lunge to the side as an icy lance pierced the spot where he had been standing, his heart pounding in his chest. “Natsu?!” Gray’s voice came out strangled, and when the Dragon-slayer straightened, he caught a glimpse of the terror in the dark eyes before the Ice Mage tried to mask it with a strained smile. “You startled me…”
It was and wasn’t a lie, Natsu realised as he studied him. Even if he had caught Gray off guard, who else was he expecting to be in their home? Then there was the fact that even now the fear lingered, masked, but not so well that Natsu couldn’t see it. Realising that it was Natsu -his boyfriend, his mate, hadn’t made the fear disappear. If anything, it looked as though it had only deepened it as he watched Gray’s hands clench and unclench several times, smelling the ice in the air as Gray remained on edge. And the horrible, looming realisation abruptly became something worse as he took a cautious step forward, and Gray went rigid.
“I…” He caught the apology, the empty, meaningless words that hadn’t fixed things between them before, and wouldn’t now. Instead, he bowed his head as his eyes started to sting. “I see,” he’d mumbled instead, and he did see, especially when he caught the flicker of relief in Gray’s expression as he turned away, and his shoulders slumped. How could I be so blind? There was a pressure in his throat and chest, something raw and painful rising, and he all but stumbled from the room, picking up speed as he finally heard Gray calling after him.
“Natsu?!”
Gray was scared of him/
Natsu shivered, blinking back tears. Before all of this he’d never thought that he would be able to say that. Gray had always been there, pushing him, challenging him, accepting him for what he was. They’d been well-matched, always growing to keep up with the other, neither of them willing to lose ground to the other. Even now, that was true, but the balance had shifted. Because of E.N.D.
Because of him.
His fingers drifted back to lie over the scar Zeref had left him with. I shouldn’t have come back. If he hadn’t, Gray might have grieved, but it would have been an ending, and with time Natsu was sure that he would have moved on. He wouldn’t be scared of Natsu or clinging on to what they’d had, masking that fear, that hurt behind empty smiles and distance, when it was clearly doing more damage than anything. He couldn’t change that, he had survived because of his friends, and he couldn’t and wouldn’t throw that away. You live for your friends. He didn’t know how to fix what was broken, but he could change things. He could give Gray the chance to have the life he would have had if Natsu hadn’t survived.
He could walk away.
****
Gray was waiting for him when he eventually returned home. For all his ‘resolve’ it had taken him well over an hour to convince himself to move, and if he had been more of a coward, he would have just left there and then without going home. Without facing Gray. He couldn’t do that, even though the air felt thick with the potential for further hurt as he closed the front door and turned to find the Ice Mage waiting for him, red eyes betraying that he hadn’t spent the last couple of hours with happy thoughts either.
“Natsu, I…”
“It’s okay,” Natsu interrupted, unable to bear the thought of more lies or of Gray trying to spare his feelings. He tried to smile, he really did, but he knew even before the dark eyes widened with alarm that he’d failed, and he shook his head as Gray made to reach out to him. “You don’t have to force yourself.” It was as though he’d just slapped the Ice Mage as Gray froze in place, mouth open, hurt and something else…relief, colouring his expression and something eased in Natsu’s chest, even as it cut him to the core. He was doing the right thing.
Taking advantage of Gray’s shock, he slipped past and headed for their…the bedroom, almost faltering as he realised just what he was giving up. These four walls that held so many memories of happier times, a place to call home – the cottage in the woods long gone, and Happy gradually finding a place for himself with the other Exceeds leaving him adrift without this flat. Biting his lip, he forced himself forward, slipping into the room and looking around. He had a life crammed into this flat, into this room, but he wouldn’t be able to take it all with him. He didn’t want to. The thought of carrying mementoes of what he’d had, and what he’d lost too much to bear.
Instead, he focused on the essentials, feeling strangely numb as he retrieved his old, travel-worn rucksack from the wardrobe and began to stuff it with clothes. There was none of the excitement that came from going on jobs with his team, no warmth from knowing that Gray would follow after him and unpack his bag before actually making sure he had what he needed. Just an aching, gnawing emptiness as he added things to the bag. Most had memories attached – clothes that he had worn on dates, a vest that Gray had brought him – and yet he couldn’t leave them behind, even as his fingers trembled as he packed them away.
A lifetime reduced to a single bag.
A relationship splintered by a single fight.
A lie undone by one final crack.
It was fitting he supposed, even as his eyes burned and he dashed a hand across his eyes, determined to not break here, praying that Gray wasn’t about to walk into the room and seem him come undone.
Please grant me that much.
*
By the time he was finished packing, his eyes were oddly dry, as though the hurt had burrowed too deep for tears at this point. It was a blessing in a way, although he knew that he would pay for it later. Hopefully much later, when he was far away, and Gray wouldn’t have to see him come undone. Fastening the bag, he hesitated for a moment before glancing down at the hoodie he was still wearing. The first piece of clothing he had ever stolen from Gray. A memory. A treasure. Slowly, trembling he pulled it off, pressing his nose into the material for a long moment before setting it down on the end of the bed, and picking up his bag and swinging it over his shoulder.
Each step felt like he was moving through molasses, lead weights filling his legs, but he didn’t hesitate, and he didn’t falter as he stepped out of their room for the last time, closing the door firmly behind him. The bag on his shoulder felt unbelievably heavy considering how little it actually held, or maybe it was the weight of imminent loss resting on his shoulders and twisting its way around his heart. Gray was no longer in the hallway, and for a moment, Natsu stared at the front door before shaking his head and following the same path he’d taken that morning. Knowing that he couldn’t leave without saying goodbye, although he almost wished that he had as found Gray waiting for him, eyes a little too bright as he glanced from Natsu to the bag over his shoulder, comprehension dawning as he connected the dots.
“Natsu, you don’t have to do this…”
It was a weak protest, the feeling was there, he could see it in Gray’s eyes, and the slump of the Ice Mage’s shoulders, but it hadn’t reached his words. Natsu was torn between the urge to laugh and break down sobbing, and it took him a moment to fight back the bubble of emotion.
“Don’t I?” He asked quietly, no longer numb. However, instead of the bitterness, he’d half expected to feel in that moment, he just felt tired and heartsick. Seeing the protest building, knowing that Gray was too stubborn to give up without a fight, even though he must be able to see that this was necessary, he took a step forward and lifted his hand as though to reach for the Ice Mage. A noise that was half-sob, half-laugh bubbling up as Gray flinched away from him. “I think I do,” he added as he lowered his hand, his hurt at being proven right reflected in Gray’s expression, as the Ice Mage realised, he’d just proven his point. “We’ve tried. Even when I didn’t realise what we were trying to do, or how much this was hurting you.”
He took a step back, shaking his head as Gray opened his mouth, still trying to protest. “You’ve tried to forget what happened, and what I did, and I’m sorry it took me so long to realise that it wasn’t that easy.” The apology came easier this time, even as his heart broke as he took another step and another, and Gray didn’t follow him. “You can’t forget what happened, and I can’t fix it. I don’t how, and…” He couldn’t tell Gray that he didn’t deserve to fix this, that he almost wished they hadn’t brought him back, because that wouldn’t be fair to the Ice Mage, and he swallowed. “And I can’t keep hurting you, so I’m just going to go…” He backed up, holding Gray’s gaze until he reached the doorway, seeing the hurt, the grief and anger, and the same looming realisation that had gripped him that morning and wanting desperately to ease it one last time. “I still…”
“I know…” Gray whispered, cutting him off. The words too much for either of them to say right then, and as the Ice Mage’s hands fell limply by his side, Natsu knew that he wasn’t going to try and stop him. It hurt, more than his own decision, more than the loss of everything they’d had, and he turned and all but fled from the flat as the first tears trickled down his cheeks. But not fast enough to escape, Gray’s soft, heart-broken whisper just as he bolted out of the front door.
I still love you too.