Chapter Text
‘So take a look into my eyes one last time
So we never forget
The way we were before
When we came alive at the moment we met
This is still worth fighting
Still worth fighting for’
- Still Worth Fighting for, My Darkest Days -
*****
“And I can’t keep hurting you, so I’m just going to go…” Natsu said, his voice thick as though he was only just holding back tears. It wasn’t that which made Gray ache though, it was the defeat in the words. A heaviness he had never thought the Dragon-Slayer capable of carrying. He had seen Natsu in many states over the years, had thought that he had seen him at his lowest, but there was something about him at this moment that seemed fragile in a way Gray had never seen. It terrified him, and he wanted to step close and draw Natsu into his arms and tell him that it was ‘okay’ or that this would pass, but he couldn’t, for the same reason that they had now reached this point.
Because he was afraid…of Natsu. Something he could never in his wildest dreams have imagined before this mess, and yet even as he ached to reach out to Natsu, he trembled at the thought of getting closer to him. His eyes burned. He didn’t want it to end this way, he didn’t want to lose Natsu.
Move. Say something. Stop him.
He’d replayed this moment a thousand times, trying to break through the fear, to lock it away deep inside and do something different.
His feet wouldn’t move. They never did.
“I still…” Natsu had reached the doorway, still holding his gaze and getting ready to bolt. To leave this home they’d built together, this life that was crumbling down around their ears because of Gray’s fear and the weight of what had happened between them.
NO!
“…don’t go.” The words were barely audible, forced between clenched teeth as he fought to change what he’d said in that fateful moment. Natsu seemed to falter for a moment, those eyes that Gray had come to love so much fever-bright, and then the tears came just as they always did and Natsu turned away, but not before he caught the Dragon-Slayer’s whispered words.
“It’s too late.”
“Natsu!” Gray bolted upright in bed, arm outstretched and fingers closing on empty air as he tried too late to reach out for the figure in his dreams. He was frozen for a moment, one foot half in the dream and another in the past as he stared at his empty, grasping fingers. It had been so vivid, so real, with Natsu right there in front of him, within reach and waiting for Gray to close the gap between. His fingers curled, tightening into a fist, nails pressing hard enough into his palm to leave deep, red indents.
The pain confirmed that this was real.
That Natsu wasn’t there.
That it had been a dream…again.
A noise bubbled in his throat, half sob and half laugh – if you could call the bitter, broken noise a laugh. Of course. Why did his traitorous heart keep doing this to him? Letting him replay that fateful moment over and over again, as though he could do something different.
As though Natsu was still there for him to fix this mess.
Gray squeezed his eyes shut and let out a shuddery breath. Don’t go. Two little words. Two lousy little words that could have made all the difference if he’d just had the strength and courage to say them back then. Words that haunted him day and night. That taunted him when he managed to sleep, tricking him into thinking just for a few precious seconds that he had managed to say them, to stop Natsu walking out that day. Worse, they hadn’t faded over time, as the days after Natsu had walked out that door and the Ice Mage had let him had turned into weeks, had turned into months…had become a year. Instead, if anything they were stronger than ever, a clamour in the back of his mind that grew louder and louder. Mocking him. Refusing to let the wound that day had left in his heart do more than scab over, only to be ripped open over and over again with each dream, with each sound at the door that his heart would leap at.
It was supposed to stop.
It was supposed to get better.
No. That was a lie he told himself to try and stave off the fact that he had made the biggest mistake of his life that day, and a lot of mistakes had been made back then. He didn’t want it to stop. He didn’t want it to fade. I still love you too. They weren’t the words he should have said that day, but they were as true today as they had been then. As much as he tried to pretend that he didn’t. Focusing on jobs and training, anything to project the image that he was okay, that he was moving forward when all he was doing was treading water. Just as he had been ever since that fight with E.N.D. when something had fractured between him and Natsu, something that he had allowed to fester and grow until neither of them could fight it. Until I still love you hadn’t been enough to keep them together.
If he was honest with himself, which he rarely was these days except in these quiet moments late at night, when dreams and memories had laid his heart bare, that fracture remained. When he wasn’t dreaming about Natsu leaving, he was hounded by nightmares about that fight, about E.N.D., about the fact that at that moment they had only been able to see the other as an enemy.
That memory terrified him just as much now, as it had in the immediate aftermath. As though nothing had changed, despite all the time that had passed since then.
As though letting Natsu go hadn’t fixed the problem…
Don’t go…
Would Natsu have stayed if he’d said it? He honestly wasn’t sure, because there had been something broken in the Dragon-slayer that day that wasn’t a figment of the dreams that haunted him. Had the damage already been done? No. As much as he had tried to tell himself that it was Natsu’s decision to leave, that this was for the best, and clearly what the Dragon-slayer had wanted, especially in those early days and weeks when some part of him had been convinced that Natsu would come waltzing back soon, he knew that Natsu hadn’t wanted to leave. It had been written in the olive eyes that held his gaze until the last possible moment, as though Natsu had been trying to drink in every last second of the sight of him and Gray made no effort to hold back the sob that followed that thought.
Don’t go…
Two little words that could have changed everything.
“…why couldn’t I have said it when it mattered?” He asked the air, but the empty apartment that had never felt warm once since Natsu’s departure had no answers for him.
****
Sleep had eluded him for the rest of the night, as it usually did after those dreams, his thoughts chasing themselves in endless circles until eventually, he’d abandoned all attempts to doze off again. Instead, he’d cloistered himself on the sofa, with the well-worn photo album that held all the pictures he had of the two of them, turning the pages with trembling fingers as he tried to remind himself of happier times and lose himself in the life they’d built. Yet, if he looked too hard, it was E.N.D. staring back at him through Natsu’s grinning features, or if he blinked, Natsu’s expression lost its brightness and became the mask he’d worn that day as he’d tried to be the strong one for both of them.
*
Needless to say by the time he’d made it to the guild the next morning, remembering Erza and Lucy having mentioned something about looking for another job, he was exhausted.
Stepping into the guild lacked something these days, and as much as he tried to tell himself it was because it had been rebuilt yet again and therefore new and unfamiliar, he knew that it was because of Natsu. Unable to stop himself from looking around, searching for a flash of pink, even though the Dragon-slayer hadn’t even returned to the guild since that day. The only contact he’d had as far as the Ice Mage was aware was through a communication lacrima with Mira, usually to pick up a job, or confirm the completion of one; although he suspected some of the others had been in touch with him.
“Gray!” He flinched at the shout, even as his heart leapt in his chest. Could it… Erza was half-stood from where she’d been sat with Lucy and Wendy pouring over a flyer, waving at him to join them and for a moment he couldn’t move. Their table looked empty without Natsu there filling the space with his personality and noise, and it didn’t help that Happy and Carla weren’t there either, the former having refused to speak to Gray ever since he’d learned what had happened. Not that the Ice Mage could blame him.
He wanted to run away. To get as far away from his thoughts and memories, and the wrongness that was Natsu’ absence, but he knew that it would be futile because that gaping emptiness was part of him now. He ignored the eyes that tracked him as he moved towards the girl, knowing that he was about due for another chat from Mira or Gramps about what had happened, and what he was going to do. Hell, even Laxus had attempted to talk to him about it, and he still wasn’t sure who had been more awkward during that exchange.
“You look terrible,” Erza informed him when he reached their table, her words drawing Lucy and Wendy’s attention as they looked at him. Lucy opened her mouth as though to say something before thinking better of it, and he didn’t know how to feel about that. Their relationship had been more than a little strained, even though she could see both sides of what had happened, and he suspected that a couple of the solo jobs she had taken had been an excuse to see Natsu even though he had never asked. Part of him wished that she would take the Dragon-slayer’s side and blame him, while another part of him was grateful she was still there, even with the strain between them. Wendy looked openly worried. She had been broken-hearted about Natsu all but leaving them behind, and while Gray wasn’t entirely sure how she felt about him and his role in it, she had apparently decided that she wasn’t losing anyone else and his relationship with her was probably the least tainted by what had happened.
“Thanks,” he snapped at Erza. He wasn’t sure if it was because his fear was caught up on the ghost of E.N.D. and losing Natsu, but she wasn’t as terrifying anymore. Or, maybe it was because she was taking pity on him, which sparked…nothing. He couldn’t even bring himself to care anymore.
“Gray…” Erza started and he cut her off with a sharp shake of his head.
“Don’t…”
“No,” Erza shared a look with Lucy that seemed to convey something, although he didn’t know what, and then she was out of her seat and reaching for his arm. “Come with me.” It was phrased as a request, but the fingers that tightened around his elbow told him it wasn’t a question. Part of him wanted to shrug her off and refuse, hell, he would even fight her if that would clear the pity that he could feel simmering beneath the surface, but as soon as the thought came it was gone, replaced by numbness and he allowed her to lead him back out of the guild.
*
It hadn’t taken him long to realise where she was leading him, and he baulked and would have pulled away, but apparently, she had been waiting for that reaction because her grip turned bruising, refusing to let him go. Drawing him steadily towards the riverbank, and the spot that held even more memories than his apartment, the ache that lingered in his chest from the night before intensifying as his gaze drifted to the spot where he and Natsu had first fought one another to a draw. Then to the space beneath the tree that had grown up with them where they had shared their first kiss, and down to the water’s edge, where he had so often found the huddled Dragon-slayer when they were younger and Natsu had been missing Igneel.
“Why are we here Erza?” He heard himself asking as though from a great distance, as she lead him down the bank and all but pushed him down on the grass. He felt as though he was caught in the past, and part of him half expected to see a ghost of Natsu come running down the bank after them.
“Do you remember the day after Natsu had left? I found you down here looking as though the bottom had fallen out of your world…” Erza’s voice was soft, as though she too felt the ghosts of the past pressing in around them, and Gray looked at her with a scowl that lacked any force.
“I remember…”
Natsu was gone.
Gray was caught, suspended somewhere between disbelief and relief, and a bone-deep emptiness that felt like grief but ran so much deeper, cutting him with a knife with each breath that he took. Natsu was gone. He knew that. Had known what was happening when Natsu had packed and sought him out to say goodbye. Had known it when he’d cut the Dragon-slayer off to stop those last words that he hadn’t wanted to hear. And yet, it was only as night had fallen without Natsu returning that what had happened had truly begun to sink in.
He’s not coming back.
Good…but…
The morning had come, with the Ice Mage see-sawing between the different emotions and not knowing where else to go he’d fled to the river bank.
Natsu’s gone.
It didn’t feel real. Yet, the empty side of the wardrobe. The mess from where Natsu had packed in a hurry. The remnants of their life together told him that it was. I still love you too… Gray wasn’t sure if Natsu had even heard the words. If he had, he hadn’t faltered. He’d just walked away, from them, from Gray.
Because of me, because I was afraid…because I am afraid. But I’m safe now, he’s gone… he’s gone…
Natsu’s gone.
Gray wasn’t sure how long he’d been sitting there on the river bank, a dozen different emotions warring within his chest when he heard footsteps behind him. Natsu?! His heart had leapt with hope, even as fear had curled icy fingers around it and he’d tensed, unable to turn and look around, half-longing, half-terrified for it to be the Dragon-slayer. But, it had been Erza who had dropped to the ground beside him, looking worried and almost wary as she studied him, and he hadn’t dared to say anything, not sure if he was going to cry or say something he would regret.
“Natsu’s gone,” she said finally, and Gray flinched as she echoed the words he hadn’t wanted to confront. “He took a job, and said he wouldn’t be back for…a while.” There was something about that which didn’t ring true, as though she had changed what she was going to say, but Gray barely noticed, focused on the fact that Natsu was really gone. “He said something about it being for the best, and that you needed it, but he wasn’t making much sense.”
“…he…” Gray didn’t know what he wanted to say. Hell, he didn’t even know what he was feeling at that moment, just that everything had changed. “I…”
“Gray,” Erza’s hand was on his shoulder, and he found himself reaching up to grip it, needing the contact to anchor him in the here and now. Her touch was comforting, and he wanted to hate it. Why could he welcome this contact, when the thought of Natsu reaching out and holding him had him wanting to flee? “Gray?” Erza felt his tension and tried to pull away, but he found himself clinging to her. “Gray,” she softened her voice further. “What happened?” He’d expected accusations or demands, instead, the question was so gentle that he closed his eyes, feeling tears beginning to escape and knowing that there was no stopping them now.
“I couldn’t forget…” He whispered. “Every time Natsu was close to me, every time I looked at him, all I could think about was fighting him… fighting E.N.D…”
“But…”
“I was scared of him Erza,” he cut her off, opening his eyes again and looking at her before shaking his head. “No, I’m still scared of him.”
“You both scared me that day,” Erza murmured.
“Not like this,” Gray said. “We broke something Erza, and we’ve just been trying to ignore the cracks. But, we can’t do that anymore…and there’s no way to fix it.”
“Do you still love him?”
“Yes. But, it wasn’t enough…”
Erza sighed and looked out across the water. “I let it go that day because you were hurting so much that I could practically see the pain bleeding from you, and Natsu had told us that it wasn’t your fault. That it wasn’t anyone’s fault.”
“…he said that?” The question tip-toed out before Gray could stop it, and Erza met his gaze, and he wasn’t sure what to make of the glint of triumph in her eyes before she nodded.
“He did.” She turned serious once more. “I thought, or perhaps hoped that with time you two would find your way back to one another, or that at least Natsu would come home, and we could find a new normal. I can’t pretend to understand what happened between you or how it got to this point, but all this time has passed, and…”
“I don’t know how to fix this,” Gray whispered. “I keep imagining what would have happened if I’d told him to stay, or just done something different. But, at the same time, each time I envision him here with me, I’m afraid all over again, and all I can see is E.N.D.s face and remember how it felt that day.” His arms crept up and wrapped around him. “But, I miss him.” It was the first time he had admitted it aloud he realised, having shied away from the topic whenever it came up in the guild, and his breath caught on a sob. “I miss him so much, but I let him go…and nothing has changed. I’m still how I was back then.”
“Do you still love him?” Erza removed her hand in favour of wrapping an arm around him, drawing him into a sideways hug.
“Yes.”
“Then go and find him.”
Gray drew back and stared at her. Go and find him? How could she make it sound so simple? Hadn’t she been listening to what he’d said? Nothing had changed, he was still afraid, fear mixing with the longing for the Dragon-slayer, and he didn’t know how to fix that. If he could have banished the fear, he would have done it long ago, and how could he go after Natsu when he was still afraid of him? Don’t go…I still love you, his own words hounded him, challenging him. “But…”
“If you still love him, then there is something left to fight for. You don’t need to know how to fix it, and you don’t need to do it alone. Natsu will help you if you let him.” Erza spoke with such certainty that the Ice Mage wanted to believe her, and yet Natsu had walked away from him.
“He left…” Gray protested.
“…because he thought that was what you wanted.”
Because I didn’t tell him not to go…