Chapter Text
"We should marry?"
"What?" Caroline looks between the half smile Gillian's wearing, and the recently full glasses of wine they're both holding. "What glass is it that we're on now?" She asks taking a sip of the offending drink. "Us? Marry? No." It's a very definite 'No' Caroline knows this because she feels slightly dizzy from shaking her head so vigorously.
"Why not?" Gillian snorts a laugh as she slumps farther down on the sofa, and holds her wine up. "Think this is number sev... Eight."
"Seveight? That. Is. Not. A. Number. And what'd do you mean 'why not?'"
"Yeah! Why not? We're a good team, us, you an' me. Good team! Team Garoline-"
"No!"
"Okay. How 'bout... Cillian."
"Isn't that an Irish name?"
"Is it?"
"Mmm. Or just the name of an Irish actor?"
"Is it?"
"Oh, I dont know." Caroline waves a hand dismissively. "Anyway, the answer is still no. It would be a complete disaster."
"And you still 'aven't told us why! You need a wife, I need a husband. I don't need the dangly bits anyway. Just, y'know..."
"No! I do not... Y'know. Please enlighten me."
"Why would we be a disaster?"
The genuine curiosity in Gillian's voice makes Caroline falter. "Well, because... Y'know." How is this a subject being discussed?
Ah. Yes. Alcohol. That's how this is being discussed.
She should put a stop to this. It'll just lead down a very strange, dangerous and confusing rabbit hole.
"No. I do not 'y'know'" Gillian finger quotes, giving Caroline a mischievous glint. "Why don't you enlighten me?"
"You are a knob. This conversation is going nowhere." And after another sip of wine, Caroline adds, "Ignoring everything else, we're stepsisters."
"What else is there t'ignore?"
"Well, the total disaster I mentioned earlier. Obviously. And I think the stepsister situation is a sticking point. Actually."
"Fine. Still think we'd be a good team though."
"Marriage isn't some sort of sport activity. Why are you so focused on us being a 'good team'?"
"A good marriage will work up a good sweat with physical activities! You're very attractive, an' I 'ave me moments. We could get very sweaty."
"Gillian!" Caroline yelps, smacking the other woman on the arm, but not hard enough to spill either of their drinks. "You can't even think of us getting sweaty!" She tries to keep the amusement out of her voice, but fails entirely. "Together!"
She also seems to be failing at defusing this subject, in fact, her brain helpfully adds, 'You appear to be encouraging this, Caroline. Stop it.'
This wine is potent. Perhaps a little too potent.
"Okay. Forget my proposal then."
"Saying 'we should marry' is not a proper proposal."
"Oh!" Gillian gently places her glass onto the coffee table and slides-- well more, dribbles-- onto the floor, and awkwardly gets on one knee. "Caroline-"
"No-"
"Will you do me the great honour-"
"Gillian! No-"
"Of becoming my life long-"
"Oh for fuck sake."
"-Partner? Should I ask Celia for your hand?"
"No. You should not! Even if this were something that would happen between us, the very act of you asking my mother's permission like I was her property used in some sort of trade for goods or money, or service, well, any respect I have for you would disappear, like, poof, a puff of smoke."
"Good. Don't think she'd be best pleased anyway. She's not keen on me, and you being a big old lesbian has never really sat well wi' her."
"I'm sorry." Caroline arches an eyebrow at the drunk woman on the floor. "Big? Old?"
"You know I don't mean it like that." Gillian blows her a raspberry and falls back onto the carpet.
"I don't understand where this is coming from." Caroline places her drink next to Gillian's and rests her arms on her legs, leaning to look at the woman laying down. "I know you get... Notions from time to time, but, us, as a what? An actual couple? No. That's... It's not..."
"Can I ask you summin'?"
"Since when do you ask permission?"
"Am I attractive? As in, do you find me attractive?"
"That. Is a complicated question."
"I find you attractive."
"You do?" She does? Wait... No. That can't be...
"Yeah. I've never before. Liked a woman that way. Before you I mean. And before Kate. And for long time after Kate." Gillian adds as she hefts herself back onto the sofa. "You an' me. We have this thing, yeah? Like, we know each other's secrets. Deep dark shit. And we don't give a toss about it."
"Speak for yourself. I for one am very judgmental." Caroline says it with a soft smile. She needs Gillian to know she's not entirely serious.
"Okay. Yeah, we can be a bit off wi' each other. But my point is, even after everything, we've only got closer, not further apart. We're twins-"
"That's not helping with the marriage talk. Just so you know."
"I love you, Caroline. You're my best friend, you're the one person I trust wi' everything. More than me dad even. And I know I have a tendency to dump st-stuff on you, an' I'm sorry for that. Truly." Gillian takes a deep, staggering breath and rubs a hand over her face.
"Do you think maybe you've drunk too much? And maybe you're saying things you don't really mean?" Caroline asks. But she isn't entirely sure what answer she's hoping for.
"No. Well yeah I have, probably. Drunk a bit much, yeah. Changes nowt though. And you know what? I think you love me."
"Of course I love you, you daft pillock. We're family." Caroline hesitates before she puts an arm around Gillian and rests her chin on her head as she pulls her unto a hug. "Doesn't mean we should marry."
"You think I'm just saying this cause I'm drunk."
"Because you are. And you are."
There's silence for a long while after that. Caroline thinks maybe Gillian has fallen asleep, which sounds lovely right now, and she can feel her eyes begin to droop, but Gillian has put this ridiculous idea into her head now, and no matter how hard she tries, it refuses to budge.
There's no denying that Gillian is a striking woman. She's funny. She's intelligent, even if she doesn't believe she is sometimes, a smile that she's thought about more than she should have, and the most engaging eyes Caroline has ever seen. They draw you in. Show you every minute emotion Gillian is feeling. And it hurts Caroline that sadness has been the most prominent for most of her life.
But over the years of them knowing each other, she has noticed that those eyes seem just a little bit more bright when they're together. A spark. A glint.
Stop.
"You awake?" She nudges Gillian gently.
"Think so. Why?"
"Just checking you weren't drooling on me."
"Hate to be the bearer of bad news, but..."
"Yes, I know." She rubs Gillian's shoulder.
"Why is it complicated question?"
"Why is what a complicated question?"
"Whether or not you find me attractive. Because, y'know what? It's more than skin deep, me fancying you. It's..." Gillian lets out a chuckle, and Caroline holds her breath. "It's soul deep. Bone deep. It's not me looking at you and thinking 'she's pretty' it's me looking at you an' thinking that my life is better with you in it. That I think 'bout you when I wake and before I sleep, and everything in between. Which is weird for me. I've never felt this way about anyone before. With... Eddie... It was, I dunno, the intensity of youth, but I'm not a teenager now. Yeah I'm a mess of a human but, I still know me own feelings. I married Robbie because he loved me, an' I liked him. At best, I liked him. Was fond if him. But never, you know, loved him. Never loved anyone, not until... Well..."
Caroline tenses when Gillian lurches forward, but doesn't relax when she realises that it's just the wine Gillian is getting, and when she hands her, her glass, Gillian studies her.
"You've got your hard stare happening, Caroline."
"My what?"
"The look you get when you're ruminating. It's like you're staring really hard at something in your mind, or something. This one doesn't look like one of your 'I'm counting to a hundred or I'm gonna kill her' looks. Which I'm optimistic about."
"I hadn't realised I had different... stares."
"Y'do. Trust me."
Caroline empties the contents of her glass, and stands up. "Im going to bed. I don't think this is a conversation we should have drunk."
"But you're saying that there is a conversation to be had?"
Say no. Of course not. That's ridiculous. "I'm not, not, saying that."
Well done, Caroline. You were very firm with her.
"Okay. I'll take that." Gillian looks up at her with a wide, open smile. "Goodnight, Caroline."
"Sleep tight, Gillian."
As she unsteadily makes her way upstairs to bed, Caroline knows with complete and utter certainty, that she's well and truly... Fucked.