Chapter Text
It ran in his family, unrequited love.
Lan Wangji’s father had it, as did his grandfather. The Lans, it seemed, were doomed to fall in love with those who would never love them back. They were destined to give, but never receive.
And with unrequited love, inevitably there would be flowers.
His father had blue gentians. He would give them to Lan Wangji’s mother as if they were a gift, but she never seemed happy to receive them. Lan Wangji didn’t understand why, he always thought they were beautiful.
The gentians covered their home, the floors and the walls, blocking the light from the windows and painting every room a royal blue. There was never a day without them–they were always a constant in Lan Wangji’s life.
After his parents died, they never had flowers in the house again. It was only after their deaths that his uncle explained the meaning of the flowers: a broken soul bond. They had tried to make it work, but guilt could not replace love.
Lan Wangji didn’t understand. His father loved his mother, and although his mother seemed sad sometimes, she still stayed. He always assumed his parents were soulmates, just like his classmates’ parents and every couple in the books his mother would read him and his brother.
His uncle told him it wasn’t that simple. His mother was his father’s soulmate, but he wasn't hers. They were never meant to be happy. From the moment they met and maybe even before, they were destined to die a tragic death.
His mother died because of her guilt, she was never meant to be a trapped bird. His father died from grief not long after, choking on the flowers Lan Wangji had always thought were so beautiful.
That was when Lan Wangji realized that despite what people say, not all soulmates got a happy ending.
❁❁❁
He went through his morning routine like he did every morning. Wake up at 5:00 AM, shower, get dressed, eat a breakfast of rice, steamed vegetables, and a bowl of herbal soup with a cup of green tea, meditate for 30 minutes, drink another cup of green tea while reading, then leave his fourth-story apartment to attend to whatever business he had for the day. Today was the first day of the new semester. Today was no different.
While most students would be loath to be stuck with an 8:00 AM class, Lan Wangji preferred them; he would be awake by that time anyway, and they were generally less crowded than the later classes. He didn’t mind living off campus or taking classes most people didn’t want to be in. He was there to learn, not to make friends, and this semester would be no different.
After he’s boarded the bus and taken a seat he feels his phone vibrate in his pocket. He takes it out and checks the message.
Brother
Good morning Wangji~
Good luck on the new semester, maybe you
will make some friends this year ٩(◕‿◕｡)۶
Me
Good morning.
Unlikely.
Brother
Σ(°△°|||)
Wangji, how can you say that!?
Me
Brother.
Brother
I’m sorry Wangji, I’m just worried about you.
I don’t want you to be lonely.
Me
Not lonely.
Have Brother and Uncle.
Brother
I know, I know.
I just worry that something bad will happen
with you so far away at college and I won’t
be able to be there for you.
Please, Wangji? Promise you’ll try to make
some friends this semester?
Lan Wangji really doesn’t want to promise anything, but he also doesn’t want his brother to worry. He’s not going to go out of his way to make friends, but he guesses he can at least… not actively avoid it.
Me
Mn. Promise.
Brother
Thank you, Wangji.
Have a nice day ♪(･ω･)ﾉ
With that, Lan Wangji locks his phone and puts it back into his pocket just in time to get off at his stop. During the trip, the bus has gotten progressively more crowded and he has to squeeze through the throng of people to reach the doors.
He’s almost off the bus when there’s a bump of shoulders and a rushed, “Excuse me.” Suddenly a bright, hot spark travels through his body from the spot that he’s been touched and Lan Wangji feels like all of the blood in his veins has been replaced with lava. He feels like he might even pass out from the intense sensation. He looks around him wildly to find the person who has caused this reaction within him, but there’s no one and the doors are closing and then the bus is gone.
Soulmate. His soulmate. That had been Lan Wangji’s soulmate and all he has to go off of is a brisk mutter of courtesy. Why hadn’t they stopped? Did they not feel what Lan Wangji did?
A car horn breaks through his thoughts and reminds him he has a class to get to. He’s unnerved, but the world will not stop spinning without him so he does his best to shrug it off and continue with the rest of his day. He calms himself down by assuring himself that if finding his soulmate is fate, then surely they will meet again.
Lan Wangji wouldn’t consider himself a romantic per say, he tells himself he’s too much of a realist for that. However, he does possess a certain romanticism when it comes to soulmates, for better or for worse.
It was… the idea of it. For almost all of his life, Lan Wangji had been alone. Most of his peers were repelled by his cold demeanor and stringent rule-abiding nature. It wasn’t anything malicious–he was never bullied. He was simply acknowledged, then ignored, regarded as a stone statue rather than a human being.
For the most part, this didn’t bother him. He liked being alone, actually enjoyed the time he spent by himself more than that which he spent with his peers. If he needed to confide in someone, had his brother. He would not say he is unhappy with his life at all.
But that didn’t mean that he never got lonely. He actually felt lonely quite often, especially since moving away from home, not that he would ever admit that to his brother, just in case he decided to do something drastic like drop everything and buy a plane ticket.
Lan Wangji was not unhappy, but he was lonely sometimes. It was during these times that he comforted himself with the fact that there is someone out there who will fall in love with him, someone who would love him not despite his flaws, but for them.
His other half, his soulmate.
Soulmates come in many forms. Language, gender, and distance doesn't matter, everyone had someone made for them. Some people even had multiple, or even platonic soulmates.
Lan Wangji didn’t know what his soulmate would be like, but he knew he would love him entirely and unconditionally. In turn, he hoped that whoever his soulmate might be would feel the same.
So why had his soulmate left him?
❁❁❁
He tries not to think about it, he really does.
He tells himself over and over again that fate will do its work and there’s no need to worry.
He pushes his thoughts to the side with a sigh and moves to take his cello out of its case. Although it’s only the first week of school, he already has way too much music to work on. He’s taking three different music performance classes this semester, two music theory classes, and a traditional Chinese instruments class. The latter class is mostly for his own enjoyment, since he’s already proficient on the guqin and he simply needed another class to fill his schedule. He always takes more than 16 credits, he doesn’t like the amount of free-time he has with less.
He plays for about 30 without interruption before thoughts of his soulmate start to invade his head again. His bow comes to a sudden stop and the strings screech lightly.
What if that was the chance fate gave me and I missed it? He thinks. Life wouldn’t be that cruel, would it?
But the thing is… even if he does pass by the person again, it will be hard to know it’s for sure his soulmate without touching them, something Lan Wangji is fairly averse to. All he has to go off of is a voice, barely an utterance at that. He’s pretty sure the voice had been male, but he has no idea what he person looked like so he can't say for sure. He could be seeing this man every day and never know.
He takes a deep breath to prevent himself from spiralling. There’s no point in worrying about it. I must remain calm. Only then will a solution present itself.
He goes back to practicing, but soon enough he’s forgotten his sheet music completely and his fingers are gliding across the strings in a familiar pattern. The lilting lullaby his mother would sing him and his brother vibrates through the instrument. He misses her.
He’s always had a tendency to overthink things, even from when he was very young. His mother had known this well. She was the first one that had been able to pull Lan Wangji out of his own head, the first one to even notice that was where he would go when he became unnaturally quiet. To this day, the only other person who has been able to do such a thing is his brother.
Mother…
He often wonders what she would think if she saw him now, if she would be proud of him. He usually thinks she would be, but now… would he remind her of his father? Would she resent him for it?
He shakes his head to make the thoughts dissipate. His mother wasn’t the kind of person who would be angry at him for something like this. He’s getting far too ahead of himself anyway. Everything had happened so fast, it’s hard to know if his soulmate felt anything or if the doors closed before either of them could say anything. It’s too soon to make any assumptions. He’s just going to have to wait.
He glances at his clock across the room. 8:26 PM. He sighs. He knows he’s not going to get any more practice done tonight, so he loosens his bow and returns it and his cello back to the case.
It’s not a part of his normal schedule, but… occasionally Lan Wangji will use bath bombs to de-stress. He doesn’t usually let his stress level get high enough that he feels like he needs it, but there are times when he needs something besides meditation and willpower to keep himself calm and steady. He deems this to be one of those times.
After he’s ran the bath, chosen a bath bomb, and slipped into the warm, scented water he allows his mind to drift once again. He goes through the meeting slowly, cataloging every detail that could be helpful in finding his soulmate.
He’s pretty sure his soulmate is a man. The voice had been deep almost a bit gruff, so it was most likely male. There was also the force and level of the shoulder that hit him. He hadn’t been able to see the person, but he’s sure it was a shoulder that bumped him, only a couple centimeters below his own and fairly solidly. The person couldn’t be much shorter than him. Lan Wangji had never put much thought into what the gender of his soulmate would be, but when he thinks about it now, having the person be a man feels right.
Next he thinks about the… feeling of it. The feeling of touching your soulmate differs from person to person. Some people describe it as feeling like a bright shock of electricity, or a bucket of ice being dumped over them, or heavy weight they didn’t even know existed being suddenly lifted.
For Lan Wangji it felt like liquid fire running through his body, scorching his veins and melting the ice around his heart and leaving it glowing like hot coals. It was… nothing like he had ever felt before. It was invigorating and intense, almost too much to bear, but it was hot and bright and incredible . Despite the intensity of it, he felt himself craving more. It made him feel alive, like his heart had never beat before that moment.
They say that the sensation mirrors the soulmate and it makes Lan Wangji almost… giddy to think about what this says about his soulmate
Is he just as bright and full of life? Just as warm? Lan Wangji hopes he is. He scolds himself again for getting too ahead of himself. He’ll love his soulmate no matter what they’re like.
He gets out of the bath and dries himself off before getting ready to go to sleep. Lying in bed in the dark, another thought claws its way into his mind.
What if… what if he doesn’t love me back? What if that is why he left? He frowns at the possibility. His heart aches thinking about it. I’ll… I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it. For now, just focus on finding him.
❁❁❁
If there was one person at this school that Lan Wangji could consider something close to an acquaintance, it would be Nie Huaisang. Their older brothers have been soulmates ever since they met in high school, so naturally they’ve spent some time together. Neither of them would say they particularly enjoyed it, nor hated it. Their friend groups didn’t overlap at all, which is to say Lan Wangji did not know any of Nie Huaisang’s friends.
They weren’t close, but they were polite to each other, if not a bit awkward, when they ran into each other on campus, which is exactly what’s happening right now.
“Ah, Wangji-xiong, it’s nice you see you.” Nie Huaisang smiles a little awkwardly.
“Mn.”
“Right… So you, uh, you have um, are you enjoying the semester so far?” Nie Huaisang winces through asking.
“It has only been a week.” Lan Wangji knows Nie Huaisang is just trying to make conversation, but it’s difficult for both of them.
“What? Oh, yeah I guess that’s true.” Nie Huaisang scratches the back of his head. “Still? How are your classes so far?”
“They are good.”
“Right…”
Try harder Lan Wangji. “How is your art?”
“What? Oh! It’s good!” Nie Huaisang seems surprised that Lan Wangji would ask, but happy that he did. “Um, how is your music?”
“Good.”
That seems to be the end of it, then. Neither of them speak for several awkward minutes before Nie Huaisang’s phone starts ringing. He lets out a small, shocked gasp before scrambling to pull it out of his pocket to answer it.
“Hello? Xian-ge!” Nie Huaisang’s face lights up instantly. “You’re here? Ah, just give me a second,” he turns to Lan Wangji, “My friend just finished his study abroad and is back in town, sorry to leave so suddenly.”
“It is fine.”
Huaisang waves quickly before turning his attention back to the person on the other side of the phone. “Huh? Oh that was just Lan Wangji, you know my brother’s friend’s little brother. Anyway! How have you been…”
Nie Huaisang’s voice fades as he walks away. Lan Wangji does not make much of the event. Nie Huaisang has many friends, and many of them can afford to study abroad. Lan Wangji is sure that this person is no different.
Suddenly, his brother’s voice enters his head. Promise you’ll try to make some friends this semester?
He shakes his head. If someone approaches him first, he will not push them away, but until then, he is content by himself. It will be as it always has, and that is okay for now.
❁❁❁
Although strictly, Lan Wangji doesn’t have a reason to be in the school library as much as he is considering he is a music performance major, he enjoys the atmosphere. It’s quiet, but not as quiet as his apartment. Sometimes when he’s home alone it’s a little too quiet, even for him. He likes it here where there’s people who share a common goal around him, even if they don’t interact.
Plus, he enjoys the extensive poetry section. He knows many of them are cliché and dramatic, but he likes them anyway. It's his guilty pleasure.
After grabbing his favorite book of poems about soulmates (Forever Your Other Half) he takes a seat at his usual spot–a corner of the 5th floor at a small table with two chairs, although only one is ever used when he’s here. He begins to read.
how you remind me of some spring, the waters as cool and clear
(late rain clings to your leaves, shaken by light wind),
which is where you occur in grassy moonlight:
and you are a lily, an aster, white trillium or viburnum,
by all rights mine, white star
Lan Wangji can picture it perfectly: the cool water slipping through his fingers, the warmth in the silvery moonlight, the fragrance of each elegant, white flower. He wants to meet the person who will be all of these things for him.
and you fall from the sky with several flowers,
words spill from your mouth in waves, your lips taste like the sea,
salt-sweet (trees and seas have flown away, I call it loving you)
He almost has the urge to swoon, but he doesn’t. He is not romantic, he just… appreciates the poetry.
He spends the next thirty minutes reading as he ponders what his own soulmate is like: if he’ll feel this way about them, if they’ll feel this way about him too. He thinks to feel that way about someone, to feel that strongly, is beautiful. He promises himself and his soulmate that he will love them as fully, as deeply, as fiercely as the people who write these poems.
He checks his watch and decides it’s time to leave if he wants to catch the next bus home. He walks back to the shelf he got it from in order to return it. He places it back in its assigned location and turns around. Standing right before him is a boy he’s never seen before, apprehensive and questioning.
The boy speaks, “Excuse me,” Lan Wangji’s heart stops. That’s his voice. It’s him. My soulmate. It’s… him .
Unaware of Lan Wangji’s internal struggle, the man keeps talking. “Can you tell me where the criminal law section is?” All Lan Wangji can do is stare at the man in front of him. He’s a bit shorter than Lan Wangji and has tanned skin with barely a hint of freckling, like he spends a lot of his time outside. He has short, black hair and bangs that frame his face evenly.
But it’s his eyes that are the most shocking: colored an electrifying shade of violet and they seem to be growing more and more frustrated the longer Lan Wangji remains silent. He looks like he’s about to say more when a bright voice yells from behind him, far louder than is acceptable, given the location
“Jiang Cheng! Not every person wearing glasses in the library is an employee.” The newcomer walks up to them, ponytail swinging behind him as he saunters over. He smacks the purple-eyed man on the back and he grumbles in return. He turns to Lan Wangji with lively, silver eyes and a toothy grin, “Sorry about that, my brother grew up rich so he struggles with respecting others.”
“Hey!”
Lan Wangji doesn’t have it in him to tell the man that he also grew up rich. For that matter, wouldn’t this man also have grown up with money if the two are brothers?
“Ugh…” His soulmate, Jiang Cheng, groans. “Sorry.”
All in all, the man doesn’t look that apologetic, but Lan Wangji has bigger things to worry about.
“It is… fine.”
“Good,” Jiang Cheng huffs. He moves to leave and Lan Wangji is suddenly filled with panic. He’s not going to let this chance slip through his fingers like the last one had.
“Wait!” He lunges forward and grabs the man’s shoulder. He’s touching him, he’s touching his soulmate and he feels…
Nothing. He feels nothing. Why?
His not soulmate, pulls his arm away harshly and pins Lan Wangji with an irritable glare. “What do you want?” He snaps.
Lan Wangji just stares down at his hand? What happened? Why didn’t I feel anything?
Seeing that Lan Wangji doesn't intend to explain himself, Jiang Cheng makes a tsking noise and walks off grumbling, “What a weirdo, seriously…”
The other man follows him, laughing, “If he’s a weirdo, then what are you?”
The two boys leave and Lan Wangji is left alone in between the rows of books.
His soulmate had left him again. Or… his not soulmate? He hadn’t felt anything, not even a spark. Was the first time a fluke? Was he defective?
Or… was the person who bumped into him and the person who had said excuse me not the same person? If that was the case, he was back to square one with even less information than he had before.
Am I really cursed to never meet my soulmate again after that first spark? I cannot assume it is not Jiang Cheng yet, there could be another reason that I did not feel anything besides him not being my soulmate. I will confirm this first before I continue searching.
Lan Wangji did not expect finding his soulmate to be this difficult, but that doesn’t mean he’s going to give up yet. He will find them, and when he does, he will love them with his whole heart.