Chapter Text
It was an early winter morning. And suga could already predict that this cold day would get worse and worse. And yet he had barely lifted his sleepy eyelids open as if they where being weighed down by the largest weights at the gym. His head felt heavy and pounded against his skull.
He hasn't slept fully since early Autumn he knew he needed sleep and everyone, his band, army and his family. They could all tell especially when his undereyes where painted with an array of disgusting purple shades.
Jin was like a mother. He knew how to look after people and he knew yoongi couldn't sleep at night by the constant russaling of the sheets that echoed in the large room separated by the bookcase wall. But jin was scared, he worried and threat but he never knew how to approach the mysterious min yoongi he was never the same, constantly changing like his hair.
It was early morning, around 6:30 and Jin called from downstairs. His large deep voice rumbled the walls of the bts appartment. Yoongi was surprised they didn't receive death threats from the neighbours for awakening them in the early hours of the morning as they had to go to the studio, record or practice dance. Maybe they just had more patience compared to yoongi.
He didn't feel up to it, his migraine increasingly becoming more painful. Instead of drums, it felt like his head was being sandwiched between a hydrolic press. It felt too heavy. He swayed desperately clawing at the air to stop himself from falling because his weak small frame couldn't hold him up anymore . He felt the soft black carpet between his fingertips. He wanted to cry and scream. He wanted the constant pain to vanish just for a second. He wanted the voices to quiet so he could sleep and relax for once.
He didn't realise he was crying till he gripped his head in his hands trying to desperately keep his head still. He brushed against his damp cheek where his salty tears had left tracks.
He carried on pushing though. He pushed himself from the floor. It felt like forever due to his head wanting to explode. It's too much. Eventually he stands up and got changed into a large black jumper and grey sweatpants. He mentally prepared himself for questions about his swollen puffy eyes and trembling bottom lip building up a mental list of excuses to tell the clearly worrying boys. Just breathe. In and out. Breathe.
He opened the bedroom door quietly and walked downstairs. Breakfast smelt too sickly too many flavours for his hurting brain to pick apart and understand what he had to prepare himself for. His brain was too overwhelmed by the concoction of food.
yoongi swore his stomach was churning as if it was preparing to throw up as soon as it slid down his gullet and entered his fragile body. It was no lie he hadn't been eating properly he's lost a lot and he missed the liveleness fat made him look and the energy too but he was so tired and overworked by the new album that he didn't realise he stopped eating. And yoongi is brutal. He is too work orientated to take himself away and eat a three course meal everyday, it wasn't intentional at first but he preferred it. It was an unintentional pain that distracted him from the numbness that surrounded him 24/7. Now he was stuck in the spiral.
Yoongi got to the bottom of the stairs.
"you look pale, let me check your temperature" jin worriedly cooed over yoongi
"hyung please, I'm fine I just have a bit of a migraine". Yoongi tried to push away, jin being too loud and motherly for his own liking.
"you have looked horrible all week, stop overworking yourself. Have you seen yourself recently? How much weight have you lost? You look like a bag of bones ready to just collapse."
"thanks" yoongi sneered "hyung. With our new album you know how I can be. Just let me go please. I'm just tired and have a migraine. "
"ya ya I know but your my doesang you know I love you and care for you. , you overwork yourself too much. So don't go overboard at practise, by the way it's dance today. I would prefer if you stayed at home and slept but I know how you can be. Just eat at least half a plate and I'll be happy and therefore I will get off your back" jin replied, more like a warning then a suggestion.
"fine"
"good now come through. It's getting cold and I still need to wake up tae and joonie. They are so hard to wake up. And that's fine hyung. Remember manners"
Yoongi grumbled back.
Yoongi walked through to multiple dishes of food all of different cultures. Pancakes, Kim chi, waffels, meat, fruit. So much it made yoongi want to double other in pain. He sat at the farthest corner waiting for the others to scuttle down the stair case.
He couldn't eat much. He never could. He only ate when he was bored and with so much work on his mind it left no room to be.
He picked at his fruit. Avoiding the acidic kimchi scared his stomach will detest. And the meat seemed to be too calorie and heavy for his body to deal with.
Jin glared from across the table.
Yoongi muttered fuck under his breath. He just needed to be alone and warm
Yoongi noticed and It hurt him. He felt like he had done something bad especially how the fellow youngsters didn't look up from he plates. How they avoided his eyes and didn't talk to him. Did I do something wrong?
Breakfast was finished. Great. Its 7. 6 hours of practise to go. This is not gonna be a good day for yoongi.
Sejin knocked on the door and entered the bts apartment. "good morning boys, the van is downstairs. Remember it's Dance practise today, so make sure you have snacks and water, I'm sure Jin has already got that sorted." he winked at Jin who smiled
"I sure have, I'll wash up later. Hopefully with a little help" he playfully teased his band mates
Yoongi was already ready standing at the door with Jin. Jimin forgot his headband, hoseok lost a sneaker and god knows where v went. Namjoon was probably breaking something. He loved the boys.
Jin glared at yoongi "why didn't you eat anything. You love everything I put on that table"
"sorry hyung. "
"that's not what I want. I want an explanation. I want you to eat something for fucking once. You look gross yoongi. Do you think this is what the fans want."
Yoongi racked his brain for answers. He was hurt. Disgusted at himself. His own hyung was appalled at him and wanted answers. Finally he Stumbed on one that seemed reasonable and not a full lie.
"I'm just a little stressed, I don't feel like stomaching anything heavy because it was already churning. Your food is delicious Jin. You know I would've had seconds if I felt better. With the comeback and all. My anxiety is through the roof. "
"how many times have I had to remind you to open up to me? I'm ya big bro and love you so much" he give yoongi a slight grin " ha but how would you know my cooking is good, you stay in your studio all the time and I haven't seen you eat anything in a long time"
Yoongi avoided that statement. Instead focusing on hobi bounding down the corridor. "found it"
Soon they all scuttled into the van. Yoongi went near the window. He heard nobody fight to sit next to him, he was disappointed. What have I done wrong?
It was loud in the van yet yoongi was silent. He didn't talk instead he tuned into the quior of demons that filled his head. Depression being the loudest. It screamed at him.
The car grounded to a hault, its time to move. Time to leave. He didn't want to..
Two hours passed by in dance practise. The room was stuffy and hot, yoongi was feeling worse and he witnessed black dots dance into his vision yet he tried to ignore it. Push it away like nothing. That was what yoongi did all the time.
He was so sweaty and warm. His cheeks where tinged with a rose pink. His heart raced. His chest was being drummed against. Like his ribs where musical triangles. It wasn't fair how he always felt like shit, why must it be me.
"take two everyone, come on hyung. Get up, you've bairly moved" hobi loomed over yoongi and laughed. What does he mean? He has worked hard for so long, this isn't fair.
His limbs felt ten times heavier and his breathing wasn't steady. He's not ready
"1,2,3" hoseok beamed at the rest
"catch up yoongi," he thought he was on beat?
"yoongi, watch what I am doing over wise we'll never get this completed"
Ouch, yoongi thought. That hurt. Can hobi not see that I am trying can he not see the pain behind his eyes. They're brothers for fucks sake. Look its me yoongi. Your plain old simple yoongi. Your hyung...help me..
"yoongi. I'm getting fed up now. Look at yourself, we have to complete these in two weeks. You are two beats behind everyone else. You just stand there looking all gormless. Confused and sweaty. Catch up suga. It ain't even that hard"
"I-I'm sorry I-m trying" are his words slurring?
"not trying hard enough clearly. Pathetic" hobi spat.
Why is he so horrible? Hobi is right. I don't deserve to be in bts. I let them down so much. He sobbed a little. Covering his face with the mask and pushing himself again. This time it felt different though.
His movements slowed down, and he heard hobi yelling and the moody groans from the rest of the boys. But he couldn't focus. He didn't know what they said.
His eyes turned grey. His vision clouded into darkness and he felt himself move on the axis. He was tilting. That's a bit too far. Wait stop no. Not that far. Why won't my body listen?
A loud bang was heard and everyone swivelled their heads back to wear yoongi was. Surprisingly not giving themselves whiplash with the speed.
"YOONGI" jin screeched. He ran towards yoongi who was awkwardly positioned on the cold concrete floor, head and nose pouring out crimsom blood. "HELP ME FOR FUCKS SAKE"
namjoon was in a daze. The oldest. Most sensible rapper was bleeding on the floor after collapsing looking so fragile and thin. How could he have not seen his hyung deteriorate in front of him "wtf" he whispered.
"tae grab a towel"
"jk call manager sejin"
"jimin get the nurse"
"hobi.. help jin. And comfort yoongi please. Apologise at least. "
Namjoon ordered. He didn't know what to do. So he grabbed water. Water is OK right? Nothing seems OK now?
Tae returned and jin pressed the white towel up to the back of his head. It was soon stained by yoongis blood "why won't it stop" "why won't it stop" jin howled he repeated and propped yoongi into recovery pose. He wanted to cry so bad. Let all the sobs out seeing his youngster in such a weak place . But he needed to be strong. Pretend that this wasn't happening.
Pretend that Blood wasn't dripping down his arm. Pretend that he wasn't painted in yoongis blood.
But blood still ran and Blood still stained.
Yoongi grew more pale and the boys clustered together preying, crying and hoping.
Yoongi flickered his eyes
"wake up yoongi its okay" Jin pleaded
His eyes flickered more than they should've.
He started convulsing on the floor.
Jin let out a blood curdling scream "CALL A FUCKING AMBULANCE."
"i'll count" namjoon said sadly