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Eddie Kaspbrak didn’t like to say he hated things. Hate was negative and there were already so many negatives in his life that he wanted to focus on the positive. On things he liked. He liked movies. Going to see them in the theater with the big comfy seats and a large popcorn perched on his lap. Sitting at home on the couch, a movie he’d seen a hundred times on the screen and big blanket on top of him. Both were great. He liked running. His mother always told him he shouldn’t run because of his asthma, but he never had a problem. He liked the way the wind felt against his face as he pushed himself to go just a little faster. It was freedom. He liked spending time with his friends, Bill, Ben and Mike. Riding their bikes down to the quarry and going for a swim in the summer. Sitting in the clubhouse reading comics until it became too dark to see.
Yes, there were many things that Eddie liked and didn’t hate much. What he did hate was his mother. He’d been told before that you can’t truly hate your parents. You might hate things that they do or get angry enough to think that you hate them, but deep down you really love them. Eddie thought that was bullshit. He hated his mother and he knew that if he did love her it was such a microscopic part of him that it would never be strong enough overpower the hatred.
There were several reasons he hated his mother. When he was younger, she would overreact to every little illness. He would get a tickle in his throat and cough and she’d be on the phone making a doctor’s appointment within seconds. He fell off his bike once and didn’t even get hurt, but she called an ambulance and made him lay where he fell until they gave the all clear. Even then, she insisted that he was injured and made them take him to the hospital anyway. A full body x-ray later and he was sent home with a big bill and no injury. She used to make him take a handful of pills a day for his “conditions”. He eventually found out they were placebos and stopped taking them.
He wasn’t even sure if he had asthma or not. He’d run vast distances at a fast pace and, sure he’d be out of breath for a minute when he stopped, but he never had to use the inhaler. The only time he did feel like he needed it, he realized, was when he was having a panic attack. The panic disorder was probably the only thing that was actually wrong with him and he was sure she was the one who caused it.
He hated her because she had to know what he was doing, where he was going and who he was with at all times. If he didn’t tell her, she would follow him. She seemed to have spies all around town who would report back to her on what he’d been doing. In a small town like Derry, everyone knew almost everyone else, so it was likely that she really did have spies watching his every move.
She hated his friends, called them a bad influence when they were nothing but respectful when in her presence. They were the ones he loved. They’d been there for Eddie when he needed someone to talk to. He couldn’t talk to her. About anything. The one time he thought he might let her know what was going on in his life, she grounded him for two weeks. All because he said he thought Beverly Marsh was pretty. Bev had a bad reputation in town, which probably wasn’t even true, and she would not have her son spending time with a girl like that. He wondered how she’d react if she knew that he also thought he liked boys.
Despite all the hate he felt for her, he still tried to stay positive. A feat proving impossible whenever she started in on him. This time it had been because he dropped a glass while doing the dishes and it broke. He bent down to pick up the bigger shards and she ran in yelling at him to stop. She was afraid he would cut himself. He ignored her and kept cleaning it up only to have her grab his arm roughly to pull him away from it. The motion caused one of the pieces to fall from his hand, hitting his other hand on the way down. It wasn’t a bad cut, but it bled and caused him to curse from the jolt of pain.
She followed him into the bathroom, where he was going to disinfect it and bandage it, yelling about how he needed to be careful. She also wasn’t happy about the swearing and blamed his friends influence for the foul language. Eddie bit his tongue and said nothing until she told him he was too delicate to touch sharp objects and should let others do it for him. She’d been saying something similar his entire life. Always calling him delicate and incapable.
He couldn’t go on the roller coaster at the fair because he’d be too afraid. He might pass out and he’d surely throw up. He couldn’t go to Betty Ripsom’s tenth birthday party at the roller rink because he might fall and break something or another kid could roll over his hand. Besides, the food could have his allergens in them and what if he ate something and they couldn’t get his EpiPen fast enough? He couldn’t stay the night at Bill’s house because what if someone broke in hurt him or kidnapped him?
The anger built up and resulted in him yelling at her. Eddie told her that it was her fault he cut himself because she pulled on him. He could have cleaned it up without incident if she had just left him alone. He could take care of himself and he didn’t need her. He yelled until his throat hurt and then he left. She ran after him, calling out his name. Followed him out onto the porch and watched him run down the street toward town, screaming after him. He ignored her and kept going.
He needed to be alone and to cool off. Bill was out of town for the weekend with his family. Ben was working. Mike was probably home but his grandfather’s farm was too far to walk to, and he didn’t bring bus money or his bike. He couldn’t go back to get either because it would mean seeing her and she would try to guilt him into staying. With none of his friends being an option, he didn’t know where to go. Though he had to figure it out fast.
The forecast had called for rain and he knew it was coming. The sky had gone dark with grey clouds and thunder rumbled in the distance. Since he didn’t have any money, he didn’t know where to go. The library was an option, but he thought the silence would drive him mad. He needed somewhere noisy to block out his thoughts. Every place he could think of required money or it would be considered loitering and the last thing he needed was another argument.
He looked at all the shops as he passed by, hoping that one would let him come in without having to spend any money. Restaurants and stores surrounded him, everyone likely to make him leave if he just stood there. He didn’t want to be accused of shop lifting for just browsing either. A flash of lightening caused him to startle and a second later he felt a raindrop hit his cheek. Now desperate as the rain started as just a light drizzle but picking up by the second, he began to run and ducked for cover under the alcove of a shop. Surely, they couldn’t yell at him for standing outside the store, right?
He sighed as the rain began to pour, becoming like a sheet of water, making it hard to see two feet beyond where he stood. He knew it was going to rain, he just didn’t realize it would be this heavy. Part of him wished that he had just gone up to his room and turned on loud music instead. He knew that wasn’t always effective though as they were still under the same roof and the odds of things boiling over again were very high. This was for the best, even if he was stuck in the rain. He just wished he’d grabbed a jacket as the rain made the spring air cold and he hadn’t gotten away without getting a little wet. He shivered and turned to look at the building behind him, unsure of exactly where he was. He’d just seen a hiding spot and lunged for it.
Eddie knew there was an arcade in town, he’d just never paid much attention to it. He definitely had never been inside. Video games had never really been his thing. If he was going to spend his money on something frivolous it was going to be something that would last. If someone had asked him for directions to the arcade, he couldn’t even tell them where to go. So, it was a surprise that the alcove he chose to hide under was part of the storefront of the arcade. The windows were slightly tinted and beyond he could just barely see kids and teens alike playing the games inside.
A particularly big crowd had formed around one game and that gave Eddie the impression that he could hang out in there and watch. It wasn’t the most exciting way to spend the day, but it was a way to escape the rain and cold.
Inside, music played at a low volume from overhead speakers. Yelling, cheering, button smashing, and game noises were much more audible. The entire place smelled like pennies, fried foods and too much air freshener and it made Eddie’s nose itch. Trying to blend in, he made his way to the largest group to see what they were all watching. A half circle of boys and girls of various ages were formed around a single person whose focus was on the game before him. Eddie recognized him from school but couldn’t quite remember his name.
“Why’s everyone watching him?” He asked a preteen boy standing near the outside of the group.
“Because he’s about to beat the high score on this game.” The kid explained, standing on his toes in attempt to see better.
“Oh.” Eddie didn’t really see the point. Was getting a new high score really that important and impressive? If anything wasn’t it a little sad? Spending so much time playing a game that you become the best. Was it even enjoyable anymore by that point? Still, Eddie had nothing better to do and he needed to look like he belonged and so he watched.
Eddie couldn’t say how much time had passed. He kind of zoned out watching the rhythmic movements of the other boy’s hands on the joystick and buttons. It was only when the group around him all yelled out and the hands stopped moving that he snapped back to reality. Eddie glanced at those around him and was met with disappointed faces. The crowd began to disperse, some going to the boy to say a few words. He heard a “better luck next time” in there and figured he must have failed.
With the crowd now gone and Eddie’s hiding spot taken with it, he turned to look back at the entrance to check the status of the weather. If he’d been paying attention, he might have seen that he caught the notice of gamer he’d been watching. When he turned back, finding that it had slowed but was still pouring, he found that he was no longer alone. Dark eyes magnified by big glasses, floppy, curly black hair and a crooked grin stared back at him and he wondered if he’d blown his cover.
“Kaspbrak. I didn’t take you for a game enthusiast. Don’t think I’ve ever even seen you here.” He said.
Eddie searched his brain for a name. It seemed rude not to greet him now that he’d called him by his own name. Or last name at least. Whether or not he knew his first name was still unclear. Still, Eddie couldn’t seem to find the name in his head. It was a small school, their graduating class a tiny fraction, yet he easily forgot the names of his classmates. If it wasn’t Bill, Mike or Ben, it just didn’t register. Though Eddie had definitely noticed him before. He was a part of his bisexual awakening a few years back along with a handful of other guys from school.
“I’m not really. This is my first time here. I just…it’s raining.” Eddie felt flustered as he gestured back to the front windows. Talking to attractive people was never an easy task. Not that his friends weren’t attractive. He was just used to them and he’d known them since they were kids with missing teeth and runny noses. Not cute.
“So it is.” He looked up over Eddie’s head, reminding him how much taller he was, and toward the windows. “And you chose the arcade to take shelter in. Couldn’t resist the smell of prepubescent sweat and nacho cheese wafting through the room?”
The thought was gross, but Eddie couldn’t stop the smile from forming. “Is that what that is?”
He opened his mouth to respond when another boy came by and slapped a hand down on his shoulder with a grin. “That kid tried to beat your score, Rich. I told him it wasn’t going to happen. I think he might be crying now.”
Rich? Richie! Eddie knew that he knew his name. He just needed a jolt. Now that he remembered, he also remembered all the nicknames he was called by their less than friendly classmates. Dick was the obvious one, Trashmouth a bit more creative. He’d heard his name called out in class often enough that it really should have stuck. Eddie wondered if he was self-absorbed. Why else would he forget a name so easily that he heard so often?
Richie finished talking to the boy who moved onto his next conversation, leaving the two alone again. Eddie didn’t know what was left to say. He wasn’t the best conversationalist. Not with practical strangers anyway. It didn’t help that he felt like all eyes were on them as Richie seemed to be somewhat of a celebrity to the younger kids.
“So…you’re not into games?” Richie asked, breaking the brief awkward silence between them.
“Not really, no. Plus the idea of touching machines that hundreds of other people have touched with their dirty hands it just disgusting.” Eddie wrinkled his nose.
“That’s right. You have that thing.”
“What thing?”
“That germ thing. What do they call it? Germaphobe?”
“I’m not a germaphobe. I just get grossed out easily.”
“No kidding. Last week I saw you gag when that couple passed gum between their mouths.”
“Any normal human would find that gross!” Eddie was laughing now, and it was weird how quickly he was becoming comfortable with Richie.
“You swap saliva while kissing anyway. What’s the difference?”
Eddie wasn’t sure if it was the conversation or Richie or the way he was smiling at him that was making his heartbeat so fast. He thought that if it weren’t so noisy everyone would be able to hear it. His bad mood from earlier, his argument with his mother, was gone from his mind and he focused on coming up with a response.
“It’s very different. Swapping gum is the same and eating already chewed food.” The thought made Eddie shiver in disgust.
“If you think that’s gross, then I wouldn’t suggest eating the food here.” Richie leaned in and whispered conspiratorially.
Before entering the establishment, Eddie had never known that they had a small kitchen in the back of the arcade. It was pretty gross. Who bought food at an arcade? He had glanced at the menu hanging above the order window. Hotdogs, burgers, nachos, fries and pizza. Eddie couldn’t imagine willingly eating any of it, especially after Richie’s previous comment. It made him laugh but also made his stomach turn.
“There’s a better place down the street. The chip shop. Ever been there?” Richie asked when Eddie made no move to respond.
“No. My mom frowns upon eating in restaurants. The cooks don’t wash their hands and you’ll get a parasite from it. So, she says anyway.”
Richie furrowed his eyebrows together and laughed a bit awkwardly. “I promise I’ve never gotten a parasite from them. They’ve got great burgers and fries though. Come on, you’ve got to try it at least once.”
Eddie turned as Richie passed him to walk toward the door. Miraculously, the rain had stopped, and the sun was shining beyond the front door. Being invited to get a meal with Richie was weirdly exciting but Eddie was reminded that he’d left home with empty pockets. He followed Richie to the door but stopped as soon as they were outside, frowning for the first time since talking to him.
“I don’t have any money with me. Rain check?” Eddie asked, the disappointment hard to ignore.
“Don’t worry about it. I got paid this morning.” Richie said, taking off down the street.
Eddie had to jog a bit to catch up. God, his legs were long. “No, I…I can’t let you pay for me.”
“It’s not a big deal. You can treat next time.”
The smile he sent Eddie’s way brought a visible blush to his cheeks and Eddie choked on a response. He’d been invited to eat with Richie. Now Richie was going to pay for him. He implied this wasn’t a one-time thing. Was Eddie naïve or had he been asked on a date without realizing it? That was a stupid thought as he didn’t even know if Richie was into guys and Richie didn’t know if Eddie was either. This was Derry. People didn’t exactly run around shouting that they were gay. They’d likely be killed or run out of town if they did. Still, it was possible, right? Did normal friendships start this way? He really didn’t know. The three friends he had were all made in elementary school when all you had to do to make a friend was invite them to play tag or share your cookies at lunch.
Eddie was sure there was a subtle way of finding out Richie’s intentions, but he didn’t know what it was. Aside from coming straight out and asking him or attempting to flirt, his mind was blank. And neither of those options was ideal. Or really possible for Eddie. He’d chicken out if he tried to ask and he’d never successfully flirted with anyone. He always became too tongue tied when he tried and ended up embarrassed.
When they arrived at the chip shop, Richie held the door open for him and he managed to nearly trip over his own feet walking through the door. He internally berated himself for being so unsmooth and couldn’t ignore the smile his lack of grace earned from Richie. Their menu was small but then again so was the shop. It was narrow, booths lining both walls with a small walkway in between. The whole back wall was made up of the counter and Eddie noticed there were no customer bathrooms. He wouldn’t be able to wash his hands before eating. It was fine. He was fine. He wouldn’t die from eating one meal without washing his hands.
They each ordered a burger and a side of fries to share. Richie paid and a few brief, awkwardly quiet, minutes later, they were receiving their order. Richie lead him to a booth halfway between the door and the counter. Eddie was once again reminded that this was so unbelievably foreign to him. If it were Bill, Mike and Ben he’d feel totally relaxed. He’d slide into the booth, probably with Ben, and eat as if it was the first meal he’d had in weeks. Now he felt anxious. He didn’t want to embarrass himself or make a mess of himself. He’d made sure to only get one messy toppy on his burger, opting for ketchup. It would probably stain more than the others, but he didn’t like mustard and mayo could be mistaken for other things he didn’t want to think about. Not while sitting across from Richie.
He took small bites of his burger, only taking a fry every few bites and he wondered if other people ate their food so carefully. Calculating the possible outcome of each bite before he took it. It was sad, wasn’t it? Spending time with a potential new friend and being so nervous he could barely function like a normal human being. He blamed his mother. She kept him from socializing for so long, it was something he had to learn from observing others closely. Just another thing to add to the long list of reasons to hate her.
The silence was beginning to weight on Eddie. Every so often Richie would say something, but it didn’t spark a conversation and he couldn’t take it anymore. He had to say something soon or the anxious nerves were going to build up and cause him to launch off his seat like a little rocket.
“So…video games…I heard you have a lot of high scores.” He said, inwardly cringing at his lack of conversational skills.
“I have a few. I’m on the board for pretty much every game in the arcade.” Richie looked proud but Eddie was confused.
“Is that where you spend all your free time? What about hanging out with friends?” Eddie knew that he was friends with Beverly and there was another guy he was often seen with. Started with an S. Stanley?
“I still hang out with them a lot. The arcade is just…”
“Just what?”
Richie seemed hesitant to speak again, taking an exceptionally long sip from his drink. Briefly Eddie wondered if he should have pushed it. He just wanted to know more about him, and the arcade seemed like a safe starting point for a personal conversation. Maybe he was wrong.
“Just a safe place. Things at home aren’t great and the arcade is like an escape from it all. I don’t have to think about anything else except what’s happening on the screen. I don’t have to worry about my dad calling me a disappointment when there are alien invaders to blast out of the sky.” He smiled but it was without humor. It broke Eddie’s heart to see that look on his face.
“I get it. I wish I had a place like that to escape to.” Eddie of course would go to his friends houses when things got rough at home, but he always worried about being a burden. They’d tell him again and again that he wasn’t, but he couldn’t change his own mind. If he had a place like the arcade, he wouldn’t spend another day wandering through the rain looking for refuge.
“What made you come to the arcade today? Was it really just the rain or were you out for a walk and got unlucky? I can’t imagine any reason I’d leave home without some cash.” Richie pointed a fry at him as he spoke, seeming a bit more relaxed.
“I just needed to get out of my house for a while. My mom is…a lot.”
“Yea I’ve kind of heard rumors about her.”
“Wait, what? Where? There are rumors about my mom?” Eddie felt slightly panicked. He’d never heard anyone talking about his mom before and he could only imagine the things that were being said.
“People say she’s super overprotective and doesn’t let you out of the house much.”
Well that was partially true. Overprotective, definitely but she couldn’t keep him inside. She’d tried and he always found a way out. He made it clear that he wasn’t going to be caged in. “Overprotective is an understatement.”
“Worse than that?”
“Way worse. She’s terrified of me getting sick or hurt so she goes out of her way to make sure it doesn’t happen. Our entire house would be padded if she had her way. I cut my hand today-.” Eddie held his hand up to show the bandage there. “-and she caused it panicking over the potential of me cutting myself. The irony is lost on her.”
“Is that why you went out in the rain?”
“I thought a cold rain shower would help calm me down after the screaming match.”
Richie smiled. “Did it work?”
“No.”
“But you seem calmer.”
Eddie didn’t say anything. He wanted to say that it was because of him but couldn’t make the words leave his mouth. He didn’t know how Richie would react to that. If he was completely wrong about his intentions, Eddie could end up making things very awkward. The last thing he needed was rumors to be spread around town that he was gay. His life would become hell outside of the house as well and he couldn’t handle that. Sure, there were bullies but they didn’t bother him much. If they thought he liked men, he could only imagine the things they’d do to him. So, he kept his mouth shut and just continued to smile as he stuffed a fry into his mouth.
They finished their meals while talking about school and friends. When they finished, Richie convinced Eddie to follow him to a “secret location”. He said that something cool always happened there after it rained. Part of Eddie was afraid to go. He didn’t really know Richie or what his intentions were. He could really be leading him to a cool spot he frequented, or he could be leading him to a trap. Would be pay for his lunch just to beat him up? It really was a silly thought as he knew for a fact that Richie was bullied as well.
Eddie followed him all the way to the edge of town, down a grassy field by the quarry to the edge of the woods. His anxiety only grew with each step he took farther from civilization and help. Richie walked past the line of trees a few feet before stopping. Eddie was distracted by the way his shoes were sinking into the mud and almost didn’t notice that he’d stopped in front of him. He just barely avoided crashing directly into him. Probably best that he didn’t as the muddy ground was slippery and likely would have sent both lurching forward into the mess in front of them.
Looking down, Eddie saw a flooded swampy area on the ground with sticks and leaves floating. The most notable thing was the frogs. He wasn’t sure just how many there were as they wouldn’t stop moving long enough for him to count, but there were fifteen at least. They were a distance away to keep from disturbing them, but close enough for Eddie to worry about one jumping on him.
“Cool, right?” Richie aske, looking back at Eddie. “They always come out like this after a heavy rainfall.”
“I’m not gonna lie…I wasn’t expecting frogs.”
“What were you expecting?”
Eddie shrugged because he didn’t know what he’d been expecting. He had about a million possible scenarios running through his head, but none were probable. In the end, anything that Richie had to show him would have surprised him.
“Do you always come here after it rains?” Eddie asked.
“Not always. Bev and I found them by chance when we were out for a walk. I’ve come back a few times and they’re always here. I like listening to them.”
Eddie looked at Richie’s face in time to see the content smile spread across his lips. He’d never seen him look this happy and it sent butterflies to his stomach.
“I feel like I’m intruding on your secret spot.” Eddie admitted, feeling a little awkward.
“You’re only the third person who has seen this with me.” Richie said. “Bev obviously being one and Stan the other. So, I guess it is a secret.”
“Why show me then?”
“Because I like you.”
The smile he sent Eddie’s way made him dizzy. Of course, Eddie knew he meant as a friend but hearing those words from a cute boy was like an arrow to the heart. The last thing he needed was to fall for a potential new friend who might very well be straight. Yet, there he was, eyes fixated on his mouth wondering what he tasted like.
A second later he’d know the answer. Ketchup and salt from the meal they’d shared. Of course, he wasn’t actually thinking about that when Richie leaned down and planted one on him. The exact thought running through is mind was something like “danger, danger! Brain explosion in 3…2…”. He’d only been kissed once at a Christmas party. He didn’t even realize he was standing under the mistletoe until Ben’s cousin swooped in and kissed him. It was nothing like this.
When Richie pulled away, Eddie wasn’t honestly sure if he’d kissed him back. His brain had short circuited almost immediately and he was still trying to figure out if it had really happened. Richie was smiling, his hand on Eddie’s cheek and his thumb resting on the corner of his mouth.
“I…you…” Eddie couldn’t make a coherent thought come to his mind. His tongue felt thick in his mouth and his head was mush. “Kissed. We kissed.” He finally managed.
“Is that ok? You didn’t say anything after I said I like you, so I took my chance.” Richie said, tilting his head slightly.
“Ok. Yea. It was…ok. Definitely.”
Richie laughed and Eddie hated that he sounded so stupid and out of it. “I’ve always noticed you at school and wanted to talk to you, but people tend not to like my sense of humor. Admiring you from afar was better than you hating me.”
“You liked me before today? Like…before meeting me? Why?”
Richie leaned back against a tree and sighed. “Why? Let’s see…because your adorable doe eyes make me weak when they’re all scrunched up in anger. I’ve heard you laughing with your friends and that little snort you make is one of my favorite sounds. When you got mad in class when you were told you’d fail if you skipped the dissection, I swear I had heart bubbles around my head when you called Mr. Groff a masochistic amphibian murderer.” He was laughing at the memory and Eddie was sure he was going to melt.
“I…couldn’t remember your name.” Eddie winced as the words fell from his lips. “I mean, I knew who you were I just…I’m bad with names. But I’ve noticed you too. You’re part of the reason I realized I liked guys. I just wanted to be honest because you just said a lot of stuff and were really honest, so it only felt fair that I-.”
Richie cut off Eddie’s rambling with another kiss. This time Eddie stayed focused on the feel of his lips, soft and wet and salty. They stayed like that for a while, together in the canopy of the trees, getting to know one another and kissing when the mood struck. Richie gave Eddie his number, told him to call when he needed somewhere to go. He would be there to take him away. To help him escape.