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1.
the beginning
Keith wasn’t always a beast, no.
It would be more convenient if it were so, in truth. Not only because he wouldn’t know any better, wouldn’t know a life without this much regret and anger in his veins as he does know. Perhaps he wouldn’t constantly feel the need to fix himself. Perhaps he would be more at ease with his nature if he had had any kind of guidance along the way.
Perhaps --
No. He knows there is little use for such thoughts. The past remains forever unchanged, despite one wishing differently.
But yet. The truth of the matter is that Keith has only been a beast for three years now and everything he is, everything he will be, he has had to learn by himself, alone, with no one to teach him how to be what he is, but still preserve his former self. No one has taught him how to handle the pain and scarring from every transformation, how to hunt in wolf form, how to run with four limbs and how to prevent the desire to carve an eternal painful end for himself so that he never has to look in a mirror again.
It would have also been helpful to know before the first transformation how to not lose one’s mind and go on a killing rampage every full moon.
Keith killed four people that first night.
There’s nothing he can do to make the vivid images of the violence and gore he inflicted to stop haunting him in every dream. It is absolute.
But Keith and the beast have learned from that first experience. He stays away from villages and farmholds; places with too many humans. He has left and hidden in the woods, far, far away from people he could accidentally harm. He rarely encounters anyone anymore, but he’s gotten used to being alone in these three long years of solitude.
Without a doubt this is what has made him evolve as a beast. His bloodthirst is a curious thing. He has learned to control it, if not perfectly then at least in part. He still avoids humans as best he can -- especially near the full moon.
The beast is an animal, above all else. It can be tamed, but its nature won’t ever change. It is still just an animal.
Despite all of this, after he encounters the wounded knight on the road, beat up and unconscious with an arrow through his shoulder, he doesn’t hesitate once before taking him home and nursing him back to health.
---
21
Keith is no healer, far from it.
He only knows how to tend to simple wounds and injuries, having learned most of these skills by patching up himself after full moons. The arrow isn’t in deep, though, and he removes it without too much difficulty. Most of the damage is external. Bruises and split skin, cuts and scratches. Someone really did a number to this man. Keith gives the knight a sleeping draught so he doesn’t have to be awake for the pain he will no doubt experience whenever he opens his eyes again. His injuries may not have been severe, but hurt has never known no bounds.
Something Keith knows better than well.
Now, in the meantime, Keith drinks his tea and watches over this curious man who is the first person he has seen in months.
---
19:1
It takes a day and half for the stranger to wake.
It’s morning and Keith is in the middle of making an ointment for the knight's shoulder when he hears a pained groan behind him. Keith turns to look as the other man opens his eyes slowly, blinking at the daylight the windows let in, a confused look on his face as he takes in the surroundings of Keith’s modest hut.
Keith feels oddly nervous when his eyes meet the stranger's own which widen in retaliation.
“Hello?” the knight says, a little moronically, making Keith bite his lower lip as he leans his hip against his small kitchen cupboard. He cleans up his sticky hands with a dish towel before crossing his arms to his chest.
“Good morning,” Keith answers quietly. The knight only stares at him, blinking slowly in the remaining haze of sleep, before his pale cheeks flush into a light pink colour. Keith coughs to his fist. “How do you feel?”
The knight sits up, perhaps a bit too quickly, as he winces in pain. He stretches his injured, bandaged arm before Keith can intervene and immediately hisses through his teeth.
“Ouch,” he says instead of answering Keith's question, eyes wide and confused and Keith resists the urge to roll his eyes. He stirs the liquid in the cauldron before it starts to harden too much.
“My name is Keith,” he says. His voice is still scratchy from unuse. He's been alone for years now and it's surprisingly… difficult to have someone in his space again after such a long time without proper human contact. Or it may simply be a wolf thing, the beast side of him hates having other beings in his territory.
"I found you injured on the road not too far from here and patched you up within the best of my ability," Keith tells the other man, shifting his feet. "You're welcome."
The knight furrows his brows. He's quite handsome, Keith notices. Big, muscled and tall with a strong jaw and intense eyes. An expressive face. Stark white hair and broad shoulders.
Keith swallows. These are ill placed thoughts.
"I see," the other man says. "Thank you… Keith."
There's something earnest in his voice as he searches Keith's gaze with his own, making Keith blush in return. Unwise. It's been such a long time since someone has said his name aloud.
"I am Shiro."
19:2
"I like your little home," Shiro says after midday.
He doesn't seem like a person who would ever tell lies. Entirely too eager and not a bit cautious, rebellious but not reckless.
Keith narrows his eyes at Shiro's friendly smile but Shiro's expression doesn't falter in the least. He only raises a brow in question.
"I’ve survived," Keith finally answers, because in the end he has never been a liar, either.
---
18:1
The next day goes by quickly enough and the anxiety Keith feels about having another person in his secluded home, fades in a slow pace, as he spends more time with Shiro.
He is a strange man, Keith has come to decide. He talks a lot, but nothing of importance. He doesn't offer much information about himself but also doesn't ask too many questions which Keith appreciates.
Yet, both of them are impossibly curious of one another. Shiro seems almost… intrigued by Keith's presence, his expression always keen, and Keith can't quite deny the feeling is mutual.
Keith prepares Shiro chicken soup for dinner after rubbing a soothing salve into his injured shoulder and wrapping it up in a fresh bandage again. Shiro doesn't complain about pain but Keith is as gentle as he can as he attends him.
It's very difficult to be close to him. Full moon was a little over a week ago and it still weighs on him. He's fairly surprised he can handle Shiro in his space so soon without jumping on the walls.
Shiro's scent is an interesting mix of sweat, musk, sandalwood and something sweet Keith can't recognise even with his beast senses. It’s intriguing.
Shiro eats the soup and doesn't complain about it, either. He looks a little confused about the raw, red meat Keith chooses for his own dinner but doesn’t ask about it which Keith is grateful for.
Questions are dangerous but answers even more so.
18:2
Keith doesn't sleep much because Shiro snores softly throughout the night.
---
17:1
Common bandits, Shiro says, evasive, when Keith asks whether he knows who attacked him and why.
Keith frowns but averts his questioning as Shiro hasn’t prodded him, so far, either.
17:2
The slow rhythm of the day is a little tiring.
Thankfully, the beast is only a quiet rumble in the back of Keith's mind. It seems a little confused about the new guest, but not frustrated or demanding - or worse: territorial. Only a constant presence as it always is, fairly easy to control now that the full moon is over a week past.
Keith is quiet. So is Shiro, but only because he sleeps most of the daylight away. Keith eats uncooked rabbit meat for dinner and offers Shiro the last of the yesterday soup.
His thanks seems genuine, expression worn but grateful. He holds Keith’s gaze longer than there’s need to, a sweet smile splitting his handsome face when Keith grimaces in return.
But there’s no denying that the blush on Keith’s cheeks is genuine and Shiro seems to notice it, too.
---
15
Shiro begins to talk more freely about himself to Keith. He’s a knight, an honor guard actually, in princess Allura’s court and Keith has no idea who that is or what any of it means, but he nods along as he carefully cleans Shiro’s wound, makes a humming noise in his throat, whenever Shiro pauses.
Shiro’s laugh is an attractive, rough chuckle and his voice low and soothing like a still sea. It’s nice. Shiro is a kind man, that much is immediately obvious, when he talks about his day to day life.
Keith can’t tell him much in return. Excluding the lycanthropy, his life is really not that interesting. He hunts and reads. Eats and sleeps. Sometimes he carves wooden figures from fallen tree branches and tends his wilting garden. Always, always counts the days and hours till full moon.
Yet, Shiro seems somehow endeared, when Keith tells him about his life, however shrouded by half truths, eyes smiling and cheeks tiny bit flushed. It’s not what Keith is used to. That makes him intrigued beyond his bounds, what an absurd man he has let into his home.
It makes him think,
what if
for the first time in many ages.
---
14:1
Keith tends to Shiro as best as he can, making sure that his injured shoulder doesn't get infected by changing the bandage and cleaning the wound in the morning hour when Shiro first wakes. He's a little groggy and sleepy, but not feverish which is a very good thing.
Keith thinks Shiro will be well enough to leave in a few days and tells him that much, feeling strangely hollow. They don’t even know each other, not really. Shiro certainly doesn’t know Keith.
But when the eternal loneliness of his existence got broken by Shiro’s sudden appearance, it made him greedy. In a number of levels. Keith can’t really explain it to himself. He’s gotten by before Shiro, but suddenly it feels exhausting to go back to his original life without him.
Keith hasn’t quite realised how lonely he has been before this.
2.
14:2
“I am not… normal,” Keith says.
“Of course, you’re not,” Shiro answers with a shy smile. “You’re amazing, Keith.”
---
12
Shiro is better, now. Not completely healed, to be honest, but well enough to return back to the castle and his princess or wherever he will go after he leaves. Keith imagines someone must be looking for him, an important man as he is.
"Aren't you supposed to go back?" he asks Shiro, when the shadows grow larger by the end of the day, picking his dry cuticles so he doesn't have to look directly at Shiro.
Shiro pauses with a spoon half way to his mouth. Keith made him porridge with too little salt, but Shiro didn't complain. He never does, no matter what Keith cooks for him. Always so eager. It’s absurd.
"What do you mean?" Shiro asks carefully, the spoon clinking against the rim of the bowl.
Keith frowns, biting his thumbnail. “I’m sure your people are worried about you.”
Shiro shrugs. “I’m expected to be away for some time,” he says like it’s not a big deal, continuing to eat his food with no care in the world.
“Huh,” Keith says.
---
11
"I am not normal," Keith says again, pausing Shiro's hand stroking down his bare back. It was nice so long as it lasted.
Keith bites his lip. Shiro frowns. He has a tiny double chin, seen from this angle and Keith loves it. He's handsome and brave, beautiful like no one else Keith has ever seen.
He is human.
"What do you mean?" Shiro murmurs against Keith's forehead. They haven't even officially kissed yet. Will they ever even have the chance, Keith wonders.
Keith breathes. In and out.
"There's something about me that is… inhuman. I don't know how to explain it."
A lie. Keith could. It's a matter of saying three words. But he only ends up sighing and Shiro's confused frown grows into a concerned one.
"Try," he suggests. It's hard to believe Keith has known this man for a week. Keith desperately wants him to learn the truth.
Keith shakes his head. "I'm not alike you, Shiro."
Shiro grins and tucks Keith's bangs. "Well, I would be concerned if you were."
Keith shoots him a questioning look, a brow rising.
"Not particularly fond of the idea of another Shiro walking around freely," he admits.
"That's…" Keith stops, "probably not something you should be worried about."
Shiro beams and for a moment Keith is sure he is going to be kissed at last, but instead Shiro's smile turns softer than ever and Keith has to look away less he become blind.
The topic is once again forgotten.
---
9:1
The first kiss is, in fact, a surprise despite the not so subtle ways Shiro has shown his interest.
Perhaps Keith should have expected it by now, he certainly hoped it would happen, but when Shiro leans into his space as Keith is in the middle of talking about something quite insignificant and boring, he is thoroughly stunned.
Shiro’s lips are soft but too dry. Shiro should drink more water.
It’s nice, Keith thinks, when Shiro strokes his neck and hums into his lips, smiling.
9:2
Shiro has to leave, Keith decides after that first kiss they have shared.
Time is running out. The beast is now constantly present, awake. It’s not hungry, though. Keith doesn’t entirely know what it wants. It feels different than normal - not as… dominant.
Tomorrow, Keith thinks. Shiro will leave tomorrow.
9:3
He sleeps poorly that night even if Shiro's embrace is like a shield against the dark.
---
8
It’s probably useless to tell that Shiro does not, in fact, leave the next day.
He lingers in Keith’s personal space, pressing against his back when Keith prepares the salmon trout Shiro caught by the pond, breathing and snuffling his neck. He makes Keith laugh with his antics, he makes him happy enough to ignore everything else, it even makes him forget the beast he carries, surprisingly hidden and dormant for now.
It trusts Shiro, Keith realises, belatedly, when he hugs Shiro tight that night, keeping him close.
3.
7
One moment after midnight, Shiro gives Keith a look. Keith is not sure how to describe it; how intensive and piercing it is and how there’s something wild and unexpected in it -- something Keith never knew to expect from Shiro. How well can one know an unknown man after two weeks, anyway?
There’s so many things only time can tell.
He is not quite as surprised as he pretends to be, when Shiro leans and tackles him on the bed and kisses the side of Keith’s neck with bruising teeth, giving no mercy.
Keith gasps. And then he sighs. “Shiro,” he starts. His cheeks are ablaze and he keeps swallowing dry air. “What are you - your shoulder -”
“I want you,” Shiro rasps and Keith realises that he is screwed. He’s completely and utterly going to be screwed, in numerous ways.
He doesn’t protest even though he probably should. This is, without a doubt, the stupidest thing he could do in this situation, but he is easily swept away by Shiro’s strong, giant hands and sweet whispered words.
Despite of it all, he can’t quite bring himself to regret it in the morning.
---
6 & 5
They have a lot of sex for two entire days.
Keith has been with someone like this only once before, but it was nothing compared to Shiro’s hot breath upon his neck, his strong arms around Keith’s chest and all in all his incredibly tender touch, freely given. They’re careful with his healing shoulder, despite Shiro’s claims that it’s fine, that he’s alright. It makes Keith snort exasperatedly, but he doesn’t deny any of Shiro’s advances.
Keith adores him.
So, of course, it’s Keith who is the insatiable one, he can’t get enough of Shiro - after every bite, he craves only more and more, can’t help himself for wanting this one good thing that has happened to him in such a long time.
Shiro is amazing and generous, the kindest man Keith could ever hope for himself.
It’s very interesting, that the beast recognises the unique bond they share. It even seems to respect Shiro in some way, love him, just as Keith does.
But in the end, Shiro has come to be the one person whose life he can’t - won’t - gamble with.
---
4
“You have to leave,” Keith says to Shiro when there’s three night till full moon. “This can’t go on like this anymore.”
It’s not a request but that doesn’t mean Shiro doesn’t fight against it. He’s angry and desperate, confused and betrayed. Keith can barely hold himself together during it, but he knows this is the right thing to do.
There’s no other conclusion than heartbreak for all three of them.
---
3:1
Shiro kisses Keith one last time before he leaves.
A tender little thing, like a promise of something new that's impossible to keep. Keith's eyes are damp when he finally answers it. He fists Shiro's hair to pull him down for better access, bites his lips and sucks his tongue, begging for more more more. He needs Shiro, needs him like air, needs him like no one else.
But more than that, Keith wants him.
Keith doesn't want to let him go, but he must. The choice has been made for him.
"Let me stay," Shiro says, impossibly desperate, "just let me stay, angel."
"No," Keith answers. His throat is a dry desert, his eyes like rain.
"I will give you anything," Shiro whispers against his temple and Keith sobs to his neck please please please. He was not built for this kind of feeling. He’s ripping the seams open.
The beast is as displeased as Keith, he feels how it growls in his mind, it doesn’t understand that is the only option he - they - have. It’s too dangerous for Shiro to know the truth.
"You must go," Keith says. His heart is out of order, burning and freezing at the same time. But in the end he pulls away from Shiro's arms and turns his gaze away.
It takes a long while, but eventually Shiro leaves. Immediately Keith perversely wants to call after him, tell him he loves him and kiss him like nothing matters but them. And it is true: nothing else matters more than Shiro.
That’s why Keith has to keep him safe.
Shiro doesn’t look back and soon enough, he has disappeared into the forest.
With any luck, he’s smart enough to stay away.
3:2
Keith mourns for Shiro, cries into his pillow the bitter tears he has kept hidden till now, He has never felt like this, he has never known what losing feels like before this.
Keith has never been loved in this way; he has never loved in this way.
Keith may have lost the world when he was cursed, but it never felt anything like this.
3:3
Somehow, the beast has come to know and miss Shiro, too.
---
2:1
He tries to put out all of this from his mind, tries to bury his feelings deep underneath the surface of his consciousness. It is difficult. Of course it is.
But the full moon is near and it helps things. His mind becomes more simplified; his focus is better than in the first year, but it's still difficult not to let the beast's cravings take a hold on his thought.
Though, the beast feels… gentler. It is frustrated and anxious, as it always is this close to the moon, but it's different, too.
There's sorrow and no anger. Comfort.
As if Keith's pain is its pain.
Keith opens his eyes. The beast smiles.
2:2
This is what a true revelation is.
---
1:1
Today is full moon.
Keith can't help but wonder whether it's truly his enemy or an excuse.
They miss Shiro.
1:2
Five minutes of mercy.
It’s raining chaotically with a full blown wind that bashes everything on its way. Keith is outside the hut and watches the storm swallow down the forest. He’s already naked, shed his clothes before coming out as he has done ever since he learned that they did, indeed, torn and rip into small pieces as he changed forms.
“Keith!”
He’s yelling. And it’s Shiro. Of course it is. One could not expect any different. Part of Keith expected him to come, Shiro always knew when to ignore orders. Yet he is still somehow, surprised.
Shiro, Keith thinks and swallows down the tears choking him up from within.
“Keith!”
He’s closer now. Keith can see him running through the trees, the orange light of the torch showing him the way. He sounds desperate. It makes Keith feel desperate in return. He’s completely out of oxygen.
Two minutes. Keith is terrified. He needs to run, he can’t let Shiro see him. He can’t let Shiro know the truth. Keith can’t let the beast see him. He doesn’t know how it would react.
“Shiro,” he breathes out. Can’t quite help himself. And then: louder. “Shiro!”
Shiro hears his call. He’s so brave. “Keith!”
He reaches the clearing where Keith’s hut lies and stops halfway, a confused expression on his face. This is when Keith transforms.
It’s always agony. Every full moon since the first.
Keith’s bones stretch and flesh rips, skin molds and teeth sharpen. Keith howls. Shiro stops.
“What -”
Shiro, Keith thinks before his mind transforms into a beast.
This often means he doesn’t recognise himself anymore.
But they know Shiro, now. Keith would know Shiro anywhere, but the beast within him has never truly seen Shiro, has never met him in this form. The beast hasn't met people in years, Keith hasn't let it. But Shiro is special. An absurd man who is never afraid.
Not even now.
"Keith?" he asks, now, tentative. The flaming torch luminates his handsome face and curious eyes. He's coming closer, careful and slow, face damp with rain, torch barely breathing.
The beast cocks its head in question. A whine pours out of its mouth.
"Keith," Shiro murmurs. His voice is gentle and sweet. The beast is not supposed to be Keith. "Is that really you?"
He approaches the wolf, only a few steps away. The beast stills, waiting. It loves him endlessly, just as Keith does.
Shiro's hand stretches out carefully, palm meeting the beast's snout, strokes it with his knuckles, gentle and kind. Amazed. The beast hums with pleasure.
Keith is himself. Shiro is Shiro.
Impossibly: they are themselves.
"You're beautiful," Shiro says.
1:3
Can one ever truly know someone -- trust someone so well to give one’s life in their hands?
---
29
Shiro holds Keith under the blankets, enveloping him fully with his familiar, beloved scent, kisses the crown of his hair and cups his cheeks between his palms, just to look deep into his eyes.
Looks at him like he's never seen him before, as if searching for something. Keith smiles and tugs his overgrown bangs playfully.
He is exhausted by the full moon, but happy. He has never been happy before.
"What are you thinking about?" he murmurs.
Shiro's lips curl in return. "That I'm very lucky to have met you," he says without pause for breath. “I know you told me to stay away, but I had to see you. I had to…” Shiro swallows. “I had to know you were alright and what we had was real.”
Part of Keith still wants to protest, but he only kisses the bare skin of Shiro's neck.
"It is," he whispers.