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“Alright…” Dramatically, hands slammed on the table, rattling the various wares on it, and surprising everyone. Adjusting his glasses like some serious anime character, Matt glanced around at everyone. “This trial is now in session! Each of you has evidence against you, but we will find the true culprit!”
“It wasn’t me!” Eliza yelled across the table. “It couldn’t be me!”
Matt glared at her, before pointing a finger. “Aha! But you could also be lying! Young Eliza, so quick to defend yourself! It was you, who returned late from your best friend’s house was it not!? And it was you, who had committed this offense previously! So tell me, how could it not be you?!”
Steeling her gaze, she crossed her arms, in similar dramatic fashion to her father. “It was only late because you went to bed at 8, old man! And I have an alibi! I was bugging Auntie Pidge to help me pirate movies!” Temporarily they are locked in a glaring war, before it breaks, with Eliza once more speaking, “What about Caro?! He’s got no alibi!” She threw out her arm towards him, however, Caro managed to dodge with an annoyed expression on his face.
“I was… sleeping.” He simply stated, as attention focused on him.
“Hrm-“ Matt frowned. “Just because you claim to be sleeping doesn’t mean you have an alibi!”
Caro crossed his arms, looking away. “I- I can assure you I didn’t do it. I’m innocent.”
Taking the place of her father in accusations, Rommy stood abruptly, looking at him. “But you don’t have an alibi! There’s no proof it wasn’t you, and for that reason, you’re the main suspect!”
He shifted uncomfortably, looking at them. “What about you two, huh?! Do you two devious twins have an alibi?”
“Dad! He’s deflecting!” Cas yelled out in Matt’s direction.
Hushing them, Matt nodded. “Caro is indeed deflecting, but I also need your alibis first, before we focus back on our new main suspect.”
“We were together! We were playing Super Smash Bros! I bet that I was better than Cas and Cas bet that they were better than me! So we were doing best of 50! Of which I humbly won with a score of 37.” Rommy gestured between them both. Cas punched her in the arm, and she yelped, Matt sending a glare at them.
“A series of that many brawls would last far into the morning, your alibi is secure. So that brings us back to you,” Matt pointed at Caro, “With no alibi, you are the only possible culprit! Do you plead guilty?!”
Taken aback, Caro gasped. “H-Hey! I’m not gonna get super dramatic like the rest of you, but I didn’t do it either, I already said that! I-“ He glanced down, looking ashamed, and shaking his head. “Look… I do… have an alibi. I just didn’t want to admit it… but I was working on a,” he seemed unable to speak the word, and took a moment to swallow his pride, “l-late assignment all night. I only went to bed a few minutes before we were all woken up again… You can check the timestamps on the document’s history.”
Eliza, Rommy, and Cas all looked at him agape, surprised their brother could ever turn in an assignment late. It was so unlike him, so surprising, so shocking. “Caro turned in something late!” Eliza barked, bursting out laughing. “Oh this is golden! I’m never letting you live this down!”
Raising a hand, he silenced them all, then huffing and crossing his arms. Matt leaned back in his seat, allowing the silence to soak in for a minute before he opened an eye at Caro. “Was the assignment turned in?”
“Y-Yes, Dad.”
With a nod, Matt closed his eyes. “Then it is fine. After all, Eliza turns in things months late all the time.”
“Hey! Let me bask in my moment of victory!”
Rommy laughed. “Dad’s just stating the facts!” There was bickering for a few moments while Matt sat in thought.
“If everyone at this table has alibis… then… there is only one person who is not here at this table… But I think he does have an alibi… so then… it would appear we’re at a stalemate, no culprit apparent…”
Speak of the devil and he shall appear, Lance came walking into the room, stirring in an ungodly amount of creamer into his coffee mug, then looking around at the table, seeing his husband and kids all sat around it. “What’s… going on? Was there a family meeting I was unaware of?”
Suddenly opening his eyes, and standing up, Matt pointed at him. “After some consideration, I have decided! You, Lance McClain-Holt, are the culprit!”
Lance jumped back, surprised at Matt being so loud so early in the morning. “Huh?! Culprit of what?!” All their kids oo’d though, as a showdown was apparently about to occur.
“At 0932, I awoke in a daze, which we all know is early for me on a Saturday morning, and stumbled to the bathroom, only to sit down on the toilet. I was unaware, however, of what had occurred! As I began to ‘blow it up’ as some of you may say, there was splashback and in a serious way, due to the nature of the water level being high from my soon discovery, so I stood, now awoken, and looked, prepared to be disgusted, only to find it clogged and not of my own doing! The flush was incomplete, therefore the definitive proof someone had gone into the bathroom before me, and clogged the toilet! You, my loving husband, have betrayed me, for it was you who clogged the toilet!”
“A-Are you… serious?” Lance wasn’t sure if he wanted to laugh or cry, but he just put his head in his free hand, and shook it, sighing. “Mattie-“ Weren’t Holts supposed to be smart or something? How was this man so stupid? “I told you I accidentally clogged the toilet and not to use it this morning until I could unclog it, but it was like 6 am and I didn’t feel like doing it right then.”
“Huh?!” Matt stepped back, then pressed a fist to his mouth, trying to remember. From what he could recall it was too early, and suddenly he’d lost the heat of his husband cuddling with him, which stirred him just a bit, then, Lance came back some time later, and muttered not to use the bathroom, but Matt’s only focus was having Lance’s arms back around him. “I… suppose so… but I was too groggy to remember that happening. I-... I’m sorry kids… you can go back to whatever you were doing now.”
Caro groaned, but Eliza, and the twins all bounded up, running off, Caro shortly behind him though he was walking with more of a zombie stumble than anything, obviously just wanting to go back to bed at that point. Lance laughed when they were all behind him. “So you really forgot and called a family meeting to figure out who clogged the toilet?”
“Yes! It’s a serious matter, Lance! Cold shit water hitting your buttcheeks and waking you up is no laughing matter.”
Continuing to laugh, Lance walked over to him. “You have to admit it’s sort of funny...”Matt continued to glare at him as he approached and leaned on the table. “C’mere, give me a kiss. You always smile after that.”
Matt sighed, walking to him and draping his arms over Lance’s shoulders, drawing his face closer, stopping just before their lips met. “Only one thing…” He whispered out…
“Hm?”
“ I don’t kiss toilet cloggers.” Matt pulled away, crossing his arms and walking away.
“Mattie! C’mon!”
“Unclog that toilet and I’ll consider it!” Lance heard from down the hall. He couldn’t help but groan. He loved his family… but sometimes he wondered why he married that man.