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Iwaizumi Hajime is a decent person, he's pretty sure. He's spent the majority of his life putting up with Oikawa and his antics. He helps the elderly with their groceries and their yards. He does his best to give advice to his underclassmen to help them through their problems.
So he's not sure why the universe has punished him by putting him on a team with Kuroo Tetsurou.
Kuroo is obnoxious, loud, and loves to provoke people. Still, these are all qualities he could put up with easily enough; he's had experience for years putting up with them from Oikawa. No, the thing he finds intolerable about Kuroo is his incessant pining.
The first time Iwaizumi had heard about the "love of Kuroo's life" was the very first day Kuroo joined the team. They were at a restaurant together, doing some type of required team bonding.
"Ah," Kuroo had said, looking at a keychain from a video game that was all the way across the fucking room. "Kenma loves that game."
Back then, Iwaizumi was still trying to be nice: no reason to piss off the people he'd be stuck with for maybe years to come. He'd said, "Oh, who's Kenma?"
"My childhood friend," Kuroo'd said eagerly, like he'd been waiting for someone to ask. "He was my setter in high school."
"Oh, really? Weird. My childhood friend was my setter too."
"Hm, what a coincidence," Kuroo had replied, grinning. "What's your childhood friend like, then? Mine's... well, he plays video games all the time, and has no regard for his own health, so I have to check in on him, but he's really funny, and his strategies are the best. I built my high school volleyball team with him at the center and we made it to nationals, can you believe that? Plus, he knows me so well - almost too well. It's scary, given what kind of a person I am. Anyway, what about your childhood friend?”
Iwaizumi had despised this conversation.
"My childhood friend is a piece of shit," he’d answered gruffly.
"Hm? Well, are you... not friends anymore, then?"
"No. He's my best friend. despite my better efforts."
"Oh, interesting," Kuroo had said, in a tone that says he very much did not get it.
It doesn’t take long after that for Iwaizumi to realize that bringing up Kenma or anything related to Kenma results in Kuroo going on long, dramatic tangents about him. Kuroo tells stories about him, talks in soft tones about how he misses him, smiles with a goofy lovestruck look on his face.
It's disgusting.
Iwaizumi wonders if Kuroo knows he's in love with his childhood friend.
And then Iwaizumi realizes that Kuroo unfortunately does not, because Kuroo starts dating a girl, and then comes to Iwaizumi to ask what he's doing wrong. Iwaizumi doesn't even know where to start.
"Kuroo," he says gruffly. "Please. Stop being a piece of shit. You're clearly in love with someone else."
"I’m what?! Who could I possibly be in love with? I don't even talk to any other girls!" Kuroo sounds frantic.
Iwaizumi stares at Kuroo flatly and then shakes his head.
Maybe Shittykawa is rubbing off on him or something, because Iwaizumi kind of wants to see how long this will go on. It's entertaining seeing Kuroo suffer.
So he just shrugs. "Figure it out."
"What - you won't even give me a hint?"
"It's obvious to everyone. Ask someone else."
Kuroo comes to him a few days later, after playing absolutely terribly during practice and getting yelled at by their coach. There are bags under his eyes, Iwaizumi notices. Kuroo says, "Kenma."
"Yeah, dumbass."
"Shit."
"So what, are you gonna do something about it?"
"I can't!"
"The fuck do you mean you can't?"
"It'll mess everything up! We've been best friends for fifteen years now! C’mon - you have to understand!"
"Oh, I understand. I understand that you're a coward."
"So, what, if you were interested in Oikawa, you'd confess to him just like that?"
A horrifying shudder passes through Iwaizumi's body.
"Don't even say such horrifying things," Iwaizumi says through clenched teeth. "God. That's disgusting."
Kuroo looks pleased. Iwaizumi hates it. "See?"
"You're actually in love with Kenma. So confess to him. That's all I have to say."
Kuroo does not confess. Iwaizumi continues to suffer, even more so now, because Kuroo’s pining turns into actual pining, actual, self-aware pining.
"He came over yesterday," Kuroo says, his chin in his hand, tone soft. "I hugged him, and he was so tiny in my arms. I wish he could've stayed there forever."
"What makes you think I want to hear this, so I can stop doing it immediately?"
"I brushed his cheek and he blushed," Kuroo says. "He's so pretty. What gives him the right to be so pretty? And his smile... he smiled when I said something to him yesterday. That's a good sign, right?"
"Sure, it's a good sign or whatever the fuck. Now please. Find someone else to tell these things to."
"Oh, but Iwaizumi, you're the only one I want to tell these things to!"
Flashbacks of Oikawa saying far too similar things spark in front of Iwaizumi's eyes. Really, really, what awful deed has Iwaizumi committed to deserve this torture?!
To deal with one Oikawa, Iwaizumi figures, you have to turn to another Oikawa.
"Say you had a crush on someone," Iwaizumi says over the phone. "How could I force you to confess?"
"Aw, does Iwa-chan have a crush? And he wants my advice, of all people? How sweet!"
"Wha - no. No. That’s absolutely not it." Iwaizumi sighs, before continuing, "I'm asking for my teammate. He's annoying like you and he has a crush that he keeps telling me about. I want him to fucking confess already so he'll stop."
"Ahh, well, you've come to the right place! I'm a love expert, y'know!"
"Explains why all of your past three girlfriends have dumped you within weeks."
"Iwa-chan! What kind of a best friend are you? You're supposed to be supportive!"
“God. Just give me advice already, Shittykawa."
"Well, y'know... there's one reason I keep you around, Iwa-chan~” Oikawa says. "You knock some sense into me! Sometimes I just need you to yell in my face and tell me I’m being stupid, you get me? So if this Kuroo character is as similar to me as you say he is..."
"Wha - that's the only reason we're friends?!"
"One of many reasons, of course!"
"God, fine. Thanks for your advice... I guess."
So the next time they're alone in the locker room and Kuroo starts in with his usual "Kenma is so perfect" drivel, Iwaizumi whirls on him and snaps, "Get your head out of your ass already, would you?"
Kuroo's eyes widen. "Wha-"
"Stop being such a damn coward and confess already! You go on about how you don't think he could possibly love you back but you have no fucking clue. Does it even matter if he says no? At least you'll know something and be able to fucking move on from all this hopeless pining!" Iwaizumi stops, his chest heaving, and stares.
Kuroo's eyes are almost comically big, but he nods, saying nothing in response, and grabs his stuff to dart out of the locker room.
Had he gone too far, Iwaizumi wonders? For Oikawa, that type of advice would've gone in one ear and out the other. But maybe Kuroo's different.
It seems he is, because he comes back the next day with a huge grin splitting his face. "You were right," Kuroo says, his eyes shiny and gross. "i was just being a coward. but he loves me back, Iwaizumi! I have a boyfriend now. So thank you. Seriously, thank you."
Iwaizumi stares at him. Had he really managed to get Kuroo's head out of his ass? Will this be the end of his hopeless pining?
Unfortunately not, it seems, because Kuroo starts into a monologue about how it feels to kiss Kenma, and how soft his lips are, which, to Iwaizumi, is even worse somehow.
Still, though, Iwaizumi sees genuine happiness in Kuroo's eyes, so he can't bring himself to be all that annoyed. And he can’t help but think that he’d done well this time. Brought a little more happiness into the universe.
Iwaizumi suddenly feels as though he is definitely a good person. So, who knows? Maybe the universe will take pity on him one of these days.