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Keiji shouldn’t feel like this. He shouldn’t feel like he’s been torn open, and a part of him ripped out forever. He shouldn’t feel like he’s lost something important, something he can never replace. He shouldn’t feel like how he did when he shot that gun.
He shouldn’t be grieving.
He’s locked in his room, knees against his chest and rocking back and forth on his bed. His eyes stare blankly at the wall ahead of him, as his mind fixates on the Main Game. He feels hollow, but if he focuses too much on what happened after the votes, something starts to hurt and he’s not ready for that.
He shouldn’t be feeling like this, he told Sou that he wanted him to die.
And he had meant it. All his anger and frustration had built up to resentment. They had been at each other’s throats for so long, and Sou had made him so mad that if he kept focusing on that anger, he would see red instead of shades of gray. He could forget all those kind acts Sou had done, on how they nearly escaped together, and focus entirely on the cruelty he put on as a mask.
Someone had to die, and it’d be easier if it was the person who had caused them the most problems. It’d be easiest if it was Sou and not anyone else. He’d never wanted someone to die more, but in a stupid, contradictory way, he’d never wanted someone to live more, too. Warm, and alive, and in his arms and not in some horrible fucking Death Game where they could never be happy.
He was an idiot to hope for such things. He should’ve known better. Things never work out the way you want them too.
He’s snapped out of his stupor by the sound of knocking on his door. It’s soft and gentle, like the person behind it doesn’t want to disturb him. It’s not a sound he recognizes. Sara usually knocks with purpose and Sou-
...It isn’t Sou, so it doesn’t matter.
It takes longer than he would ever want to admit to uncurl himself from his vulnerable position and get out from the bed. So long, in fact, that he’s certain whoever it is must have left by now. He’s not sure why he still walks to the door, and puts his hand on the doorknob, ready to open it.
When he opens it, he sees the last person he was expecting. A small, middle school girl with a bucket on her head and puffy, red eyes. Kanna… She had tried to sacrifice herself to save them all. He had voted for her.
“Can… Can Kanna come in?” She asks, her small voice trembling.
Keiji didn’t know how to respond to that. He just steps aside, and she walks in. He watches her wander to his bed and sit on the edge of it. Her hands rest by her side, but they’re gripping the blanket like her life depends on it. He doesn’t know what to say, but luckily she beats him to it.
“Kanna… Kanna knows you and Sou were close.” She says, and it takes Keiji by surprise. He was pretty sure they only acted that way in private. “She misses him a lot.”
Keiji still can’t bring himself to talk, it’s like there’s something physically stopping him. All he can do is sit beside Kanna and gently put a hand on her back to try and comfort her. She’s so young, she shouldn’t have had to see so much death and lose so much. He shouldn’t have voted for her, he was just too selfish to do anything else.
“Kanna knows Sou was cruel, but she also knows how kind he was.” Kanna continues, filling the silence between them. “Whenever Kanna would have nightmares, he would let her sleep beside him. He’d always tell her not to worry about her sister, and distract her whenever she felt sad.”
He can feel her trembling. Her voice shakes and tears are falling from her eyes now. Small sobs hiccup through her body and Keiji feels something inside him break. Maybe it’s his heart, or maybe it’s one of his walls because for some reason, he opens his mouth and admits something he couldn’t even do to the person in question.
“I loved Sou.” He says, and he can feel tears coming down his own face now. He laughs a little, sounding hysterical and doesn't know why.“Wow, I loved him a lot.”
Kanna is looking at him with wide and surprised eyes. He should stop talking about this now, shut his mouth and let her mourn because out of the two of them she’s the one who deserves to. He can’t focus on this grief because if he does, he knows it’ll swallow him whole like all his trauma from before. Maybe Sou will haunt his mind as a hallucination now too.
“I think it was because we both put on a mask. I wanted to see what was underneath his.” Keiji can’t stop himself from talking, it’s all pouring out. He rubs at his neck uncomfortably, and a bit bashful. “The more I dug, the more I saw a terrified person desperately trying to survive. He was just going about it a different way than everyone else."
Keiji digs his nails into a neck, trying to ground himself with the pain. He forces a fake smile on his face to try and get any amount of control back. His own mask was all he had left, and he had to try and keep up the persona of being calm and dependable.
"I can't agree with with what he's done." Keiji continues, trying to make sense of his messed up thoughts. "But I think I can understand it."
Kanna slowly nods her head in understanding. A small smile finally finding its way on her face.
“Sou was very kind. Even when he said mean things during the main game, he was doing it to protect Kanna.” She says, looking at Keiji now. “Kanna knows it doesn’t excuse the awful things he did, but she doesn’t think he deserved to die.”
Keiji nods at that. He had hated Sou more than anyone else for what he’d done, but he never actually wanted him to die. He wanted to get the upper hand in the stupid mindgames they were playing and finally win. He had gotten too swallowed up in the moment, that he hadn’t properly processed the implications of his actions and what victory would cost. What a stupid policeman he was.
“I wish I could have met him before the death game.” Keiji admits, feeling somehow very small and vulnerable. “Maybe things would have been different if I knew Shin Tsukimi first instead of Sou Hiyori.”
Kanna makes a small noise of agreement. Keiji’s not expecting it, but she wraps her arms around him. She clings to him tightly, like somehow this will solve everything. It takes him a while to be able to reciprocate, but he does. Somehow, he feels like a weight's been lifted off his shoulders.
She leaves after that, eyes still red and tear tracks staining her face, but her lips curved up in a smile. Keiji thinks she’s going to talk to Sara next. She sees the older girl as a big sister after all, and Sara would be better at comforting her than him. Still she needed the kind of closure only someone else who cared about Sou could give. It was strange, but he’s glad for it too.
He looks at the opposite wall of him, and when no hallucination shows up, he feels relieved. When he thinks of Sou, it still hurts, but it’s no longer suffocating. He collapses back into bed and closes his eyes, ready to face whatever the Death Game throws at him next. He’ll survive it no matter what, to make sure Sou’s death wasn’t in vain, and to get the bastards that did this to him. He redirects his grief and anger into a purpose, to try and keep himself motivated to continue.
This was a promise he was making to Shin Tsukimi.