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Jesper had never asked when Lydia had died, but after a while he was pretty sure he didn't have to. He'd started to notice a pattern.
No matter how things changed that man was a creature of habit. Jesper had gotten used to being an early riser after his first few months of running an actual functioning post office, but Klaus was still up before him most mornings. If he was still in bed by the time Jesper left, something was wrong. Especially if it was more than one day in a row.
And if Jesper came home at the end of the day to find him sitting in front of the same barely touched project he'd been working on for days or sitting silently in front of the fire giving him only the absolute bare minimum response, something was definitely wrong.
Klaus had a lot of different quiets and Jesper had learned them all. This was not a good quiet.
It took him a while to put all the pieces together. He definitely didn't catch on the first year.
It was late spring, plenty of snow still on the ground, Jesper had only just moved in and Klaus seemed to be putting in a lot of effort to make him feel at home. They'd done some serious spring cleaning which had uncovered even more things that had been set aside for the children that had never come along. Child sized beds, cribs, highchairs. All handmade.
It had been hard for Klaus, pulling all of that out after having it out of sight for so long. Harder than he'd probably expected it to be.
They'd had to take a break, just sitting outside away from all those things. Jesper with his head on Klaus' shoulder, holding his hand and offering a sympathetic ear for whatever bittersweet memories and half formed thoughts he felt like sharing.
Klaus had spent the next few weeks slipping in and out of those long, quiet, sad moments. Jesper had assumed it was still about the children's furniture, and just did his best to be there for him.
When it happened again the next year though it seemed completely random. Klaus was sad and Jesper didn't know why. Nothing had happened, as far as he knew, and Klaus wasn't telling him anything.
The clues were all there though, and Jesper was more attentive than most people gave him credit for. The reluctance to look at the family tree, even with all the new figures of their friends filling the empty nooks, no desire to have anyone over to visit, a renewed preoccupation with birdhouses.
If this wasn't about Lydia Jesper would eat his hat.
But he didn't know what to do about it. By the time he felt confident in his conclusion it seemed like the worst of it had already passed for the year, so he just continued doing his best to be there for Klaus.
He would have preferred to be there a lot more often, to be quite honest, and he found himself getting more and more frustrated as they approached that rough time of year again.
For once Jesper wished he could go back to the good old days, when he didn't care about his work and just did whatever he felt like. But he'd be lying if he said the post office wasn't important to him, that he wasn't proud of what he did everyday. He couldn't just put all mail service on hold for, what? A week or two? A month?
It almost made him wish he had someone else working at the post office, even just for a little while. Someone who could be trusted to run it on their own.
But what was he supposed to say? "I'll be requiring temporary assistance for roughly the duration of a month once a year because the man I love is sad" ?
Well, considering it was his Dad who would probably be approving the request, that might actually work. But whoever they sent out here most likely wouldn't be thrilled with the very very temporary assignment.
And it wouldn't help him right now anyways. The annual Big Sad was already well underway again. He'd have to figure out some other way to be there for Klaus while he was still working.
-
The first note wasn't particularly eloquent. Or sensitive.
Klaus found it on Jesper's pillow once he finally woke up.
"If you don't go outside today I'm going to find some way to lock you out of the house. - With All Love, J"
His initial response to reading Jesper's heartfelt little message was confusion, something he felt very frequently since the postman had entered his life, but the confusion soon gave way to laughter. Just a soft chuckle cutting through his morning melancholy at first, but it grew until the empty bedroom was filled with booming laughter.
When the laughter finally subsided he was tempted to stay right where he was in bed, just like he had yesterday. And the day before. But as silly as Jesper's little threat was he felt compelled to listen, and he might as well do it now before he wasted the whole day away.
He made his way out of bed with no little effort and threw on his coat and boots over his pajamas. Stopped in the kitchen and made himself a fresh cup of coffee (no breakfast, just coffee) and stepped outside, mug in hand.
He walked only a little ways from the house and sat down on a large, sturdy stump. Sitting in silence, sipping his coffee and watching the reindeer and the birds and the quiet of the woods.
It didn't exactly make him feel happy, but it was nice.
When Jesper came home Klaus was back inside and had been for a while. But he was up and about and had even started making dinner.
"Did you get my note?" He asked, barely even out of his hat and coat.
Klaus couldn't help but chuckle. "Yes. And I obeyed your orders. So you won't have to worry about finding a way to lock me out of the house I built."
"I'm not sure I believe you." Jesper said, leaning in close to see what was cooking.
"And how am I supposed to prove it to you?" Klaus asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Well, I guess we'll just have to go outside together. Not now." Jesper added hastily. "Later, after dinner."
And after dinner they sat outside, huddled close together while they watched the sunset.
-
The second note was a little better.
"Made you breakfast, but you better hurry if you want it hot. Turned the stove off because I don't want the house burning down because you stayed in bed. - Love you! J"
It was mostly curiosity that got Klaus out of bed this time.
Jesper's skills in the kitchen had been improving since they'd moved in together, but some of his creations were still questionable.
What he found waiting for him was a hastily covered pan of lukewarm fried eggs and bacon, and an open plate of cold toast. How long had it been since Jesper left?
It may have needed a little reheating, but he'd managed to make something edible and Klaus was more grateful for it than he'd expected to be. He had to make his own coffee again though, the only remnants left of Jesper's coffee was the stained mug left un-rinsed on the counter.
He tried to keep himself busy, to not dwell on old wounds, he really did. But it was so hard around this time of year, to look around the house he'd built for his Lydia and remember all their hopes and dreams. To remember how she'd tried to cheer him up and make him laugh even as she faded away.
He felt awful about it, but it was hard to see all the ways things had changed for the better when he got like this. Hard to see all the ways Jesper had left his mark on his life.
It was a little easier to see today though.
As Klaus puttered around the house, doing his best to find something to keep himself busy even if none of it really appealed to him, he found more notes.
A note in his workshop on a half painted music box with a full cast of ballerinas dancing across the top.
"I thought this one was really beautiful. Would love to see it finished. - Thinking of you, J"
Another in the pantry with the potatoes.
"If you're feeling up for it, could you make stew again sometime soon? I know it's "not that cold" out right now, but I miss it. - xoxo, J"
There was even one carefully nailed just inside the stables.
"Glad you came out here to see the beasts! I'm sure they appreciate it! I'm not the only one around here who loves spending time with you. - See you soon, J"
Jesper's little messages were everywhere, and no matter how mundane or flippant his writing was, they always brought a smile to his face. Even if only for a little while.
-
The notes continued for the better part of a week. Stuck all around the house, usually somewhere easy to find.
There was one he almost missed though, folded up and tucked away behind the little figure of Lydia almost like it wasn't meant to be found.
"She would be so proud of you. I know I am."
It was simple, not even a sign off, but it took his breath away. Klaus stood there looking at it, reading it over and over until he collapsed heavily into his chair, too overwhelmed with emotions to stand.
-
Klaus was very quiet when Jesper got home that evening.
Jesper did his best to try and engage him in conversation, but nothing really caught on. All he got were short, mostly single word answers. Klaus didn't seem particularly upset, but Jesper couldn't help feeling disappointed.
They sat outside together again after dinner, watching the stars become clearer in the night sky.
Silently, Klaus handed Jesper the note he'd found tucked away.
"Oh," Jesper said as he took it. "You found it."
"You knew?" Klaus asked quietly, hoping Jesper would understand what he meant.
"Well, it was hard not to notice." Jesper told him, looking at the note in his hands. "Quiet doesn't always equal subtle, and you definitely weren't subtle. Did you not want me to know?" He asked, looking up with sudden concern.
"No, not exactly. I just, I didn't want to burden you with something I've been dealing with for so long on my own." Klaus sighed. "Do you really think she'd be proud of me?"
"The way you talk about her? I know she would be." Jesper told him, leaning into the other man.
"It doesn't bother you?" Klaus asked, looking at Jesper intently. "That I still think about her so much?"
"Of course not!" He said, taking one of Klaus' hands in both of his. "She was an important part of your life, I would never ask you to forget about her. In fact, I'd probably think less of you if you did."
"I- Thank you, Jesper." He said, softly. "That really means a lot to me. You're the first person I was ever able to talk to about her after, well..." He paused, sighed. "And it felt good! Being able to tell someone about her again, I felt better than I had in a long time. I just thought maybe I could finally think about her again without feeling so sad."
"You can be sad, but I don't want you to be sad alone." Jesper said, rubbing Klaus' palm with his thumb and running his fingers firmly over the rest of the large hand. "Isn't that why I'm here? So you don't have to be sad alone anymore?"
Klaus didn't say anything, just looked at Jesper with so much warmth and appreciation, like he was a miracle. He took his hand back and cupped Jesper's face, placing a lingering kiss on his forehead and breathing in the clean papery scent of his hair.
When he eventually pulled back Jesper had his own warm fond smile for him and tilted his face upwards, putting their lips together in a slow sweet kiss.