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The only thing Tony knew for the first month after getting back from Titan was the bottom of a bottle. Being sober was too painful for him to bear. Knowing what he’d lost, what he’d literally let slip through his fingers. Who he let slip through his fingers. When him and Pepper went back to the Tower in New York, he’d shut himself in his workshop and refused to come out.
It hurt Pepper to see him like this, but it hurt her too. Wasn’t she allowed to feel hurt?
She sat on the bathroom floor waiting the recommended three minutes before checking the test on the counter. She missed her period that month, but she thought it was just the stress. But then she started throwing up after breakfast and prayed it wasn’t so. This was possibly the worst time to bring a child into the world.
Butterflies fought in her stomach as she reached up to grab the pregnancy test off of the counter. She drew in a deep breath to calm herself before looking.
Two blue lines striped the window on the stick.
Pepper set the test on the ground and folded her arms over her chest, trying to make herself as small as possible. Her eyes wanted to forget what she had just seen. Maybe it never happened. Maybe it was just an illusion.
She checked the test again.
Still positive.
A knock came on the door. “Pepper, how’d it go?” Natasha and Pepper had grown close recently, and Natasha was the only person Pepper had voiced her suspicions to. Pepper reached up and opened the door.
Natasha sat down on the floor next to Pepper and Pepper handed the test to Natasha. “I don’t know what I’m doing,” Pepper whispered and Natasha grabbed Pepper’s hands in her own.
“Pepper,” Natasha’s voice was low. “You are going to be a great mom. We’re all here to help. But…” she set the stick on the ground, “you have to go tell Tony. Like, now.”
“He’s… not doing so well,” Pepper sniffed. “He’s dealing with a lot right now.”
“Well so are you. It’s selfish of him to think that he’s the only one going through stuff. Maybe this will be the reality check he needs right now.”
“Maybe,” Pepper agreed reluctantly. Natasha pushed herself off the floor and extended a hand to pull Pepper up too.
“Definitely.” She pulled Pepper up into an embrace. “Breathe, Pepper. Everything’s going to be fine.” Pepper sucked air into her lungs and nodded. She swiped at a tear that escaped down her cheek.
“Thanks Nat.” She pocketed the pregnancy test and took a deep breath before putting on a brave face and walking out of the bathroom. She took the elevator ride down to Tony's workshop to calm herself and prioritize. Yes, he was going through a lot. But she and the baby in her uterus are important too.
The stench hit her like a wall the moment the glass doors slid open. She gagged and tried not to lose whatever was left of her breakfast. She squinted into the dark room. “Tony?”
Her call was met with clanking of metal tools from the other side of the room. Pepper wandered closer through the mess of a space that Tony had been practically living in for weeks. Empty bottles were strewn about every surface, and the food that Pepper had sent down here for him sat largely uneaten along with the unopened bottles of water she’d hoped would dilute some of the alcohol in his system.
“Tony, where are you?” She stumbled over an open toolbox to get back to where Tony was working on-- a new Spider-Man suit.
“Pepper!” Tony tripped over the stool he was sitting on to hug Pepper. “I’ve been working on this new suit for Peter, do you think he’ll like it?” There was scotch on his breath. So much scotch.
Her heart ached as she realized how bad his mental state really was. “Tony,” she sat him down on the stool. “Peter’s still gone.”
“No! No, you see, that’s the thing. He was gone, but now he’s back again, he’s right over--” he whipped his head around to see behind him and almost fell out of his chair. There was nobody there.
“Tony,” she cupped his face in her hands and she could see how much he was hurting. His eyes mourned a kid that was never really his.
“He can’t be gone,” he whined. “He can’t… he can’t be gone.” Pepper pulled his head into her chest and let him cry, soft hiccups turning into loud, exhausting sobs. “I… I loved him,” he whimpered, “but I never told him.”
“He knows.” Pepper scratched his scalp lightly and swayed back and forth to try and comfort him. Before, he’d shooed her out by now. Trying to finish his new project that Pepper now knew to be a new suit for Peter.
“I just wish I had another chance.”
“Maybe you do,” Pepper pulled away, Tony leaning toward her like a magnet. She pulled out another stool and took the pregnancy test out of her pocket. She held it in her hands for a moment, double, triple checking the double-blue lines in the window. Still positive. Tentatively, she thrust it out for Tony to take.
“Pep, is that….?” Tony took it from her and stared at it like he’d never seen one before. Pepper nodded. “It’s… it’s…” he looked down at Pepper’s stomach and then met her gaze again. “You’re pregnant?”
She nodded. This should be a happy moment. Maybe the happiest of her life. Right? But all she could feel was the growing pit of anxiety in her stomach.
“That’s… uh,” Tony stammered for words.
“Surprising? Inconvenient? Scary?” Pepper wrung her hands. Tony tried to reach out for them, but she pulled back.
“Pep…” She stood up and paced the room.
“No. I know you’re hurting. I understand that. It hurts me, too. But I need you, Tony. I need you.” He nodded and looked down at his hands. Shame, along with the normal alcohol flush, burned his cheeks and ears. She stopped pacing and turned to face Tony. “I can't do this without you.”
Tony got up, swaying a little before regaining his balance. He grabbed the half-full bottle of scotch he’d been working on before Pepper interrupted and walked over to the sink, dumping the contents of the bottle down the drain. He set the empty bottle on the counter and walked over to where Pepper was standing. She was twirling her engagement ring around and around her finger and Tony brought her hand close to his chest.
“I need you here.” Pepper didn’t give Tony an option.
“I’m here.” The words that came from Tony’s mouth meant so much more than face value. He would be there for Pepper. He would be there for the new baby. He would finally get sober. He would be the best father he could. He would try. Whatever it takes.