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Arthur remembers the first time he met Eames. He was a friend of Dom and Mal, a "rogue co-worker", Cobb used to say. He always seemed a little too much, with his boisterous voice, ridiculous accent and tacky shirts. He always seemed a little too good-natured. He called Arthur "darling" mere five seconds after laying eyes on him.
Eames was bad news. Everybody knew that.
*
Arthur wasn't really involved in Dom and Mal's job yet, he just helped with the research sometimes, still trying to get through Caltech at the time. It wasn't until he saw the way Eames was about this job - a thief, a forger, and a proper madman. He watched Eames practicing an impression of their client's father and he fell headfirst.
Later, when he told Mal he wanted to be more involved in what they do, she said, "Maybe it's just Eames you're interested in," and she laughed for a very long time.
Arthur went through Caltech. Arthur went through many bottles of anti-anxiety pills and a heavy military training. Then he became the best point man that worked in modern dream engineering.
*
Arthur remembers Eames introducing him to Kailyn. Kailyn, with her silky blond hair, silver jewellery and thin line of a smile, smelled like victory. She was one of those girls Arthur could never have when he was in high school or college, because he was too poor, too anxious or just too out there. Kailyn was Arthur's victory. She was his anchor.
She had a house in San Francisco her parents left her before they moved to Florida, so he could move out from the Cobbs, giving them some space to become a family. He still had rough days and even rougher nights, but he enjoyed the view of the ocean from the backyard, it always calmed him.
He didn't care much most of his dreams were about Eames.
*
Arthur remembers their first kiss and his guts twist at the memory. He has never, in his entire life, wanted anyone that much. He has never felt anybody wanting him that much and then not acting on it. Eames's back, when he stormed off like he's been burned. A night when he didn't even try to close his eyes, not for one minute. The next morning, when they both tried to act like this never happened.
Arthur was lost, and this time he didn't want anybody but Eames to find him.
*
One night after Moscow he woke up in Cobb's house at 3AM. They were planning an elaborate dream heist and Arthur decided to stay until morning when they finished after 1AM. He walked to the kitchen, feeling like a ghost, and found Mal chopping onions and crying.
"Why are you up?"
She startled.
"Oh, Arthur. I couldn't sleep. I decided I'll make dinner for later, since, you know, I have to do something."
She and Dom came back from their limbo paradise just a few weeks ago. She wasn't feeling well. She wasn't easy on the eyes anymore and her footsteps became heavy, slower.
They ended up drinking iced tea and talking about Eames. Arthur could hardly breathe when she told him everything she knew about the man.
He grew up in the poorest part of Liverpool, so he had to steal things ever since. Was in the army for only a year and a half, then he came to America and tried to make it gambling. He even took acting classes for some time, to "perfect his poker face". One time he met Lyonel Johnsson, one of Cobol's finest, in a Vegas casino. He got into dream engineering at the age of 23. Before he turned 29 (when Arthur first met him), he was one of the best forgers in the industry, but his reputation was not the greatest. Although Dom knew Eames was hard to work with, Dom helped him cut all the ties to Cobol and go freelance.
"You two will end up together, you know that, Arthur. If not now, in five years, maybe more, but you will."
Arthur snorted loudly and kissed her goodnight on the cheek.
Her funeral was less than a year later.
*
Mal's death breaks him. He hasn't needed his pills for years now, but he has to start taking them again. He feels so selfish, so awful. He tries hard to be there for Dom, but he just can't say the right words. Dom says "It's okay, Arthur, thank you for being here. It's enough for me." Arthur knows it's not.
Eames comes for the funeral early. When he sees Arthur, he just hugs him, holds him very close for a very long time, fingers in his hair. He whispers "I'm so sorry, darling," like Arthur is entitled to mourn Mal at all.
He is not and he knows it.
"I can't, Eames. I can't be like this," he half-cries into the crook of Eames's neck.
"Like what, sweetie?"
"Like this. Weak."
Eames looks at him, judging, but soft.
"You're not weak. You are the furthest from weak I've ever seen."
They sit next to each other during the service and at some point Eames puts his hand on Arthur's thigh ever so briefly.
Arthur remembers realizing how fucking in love he is with this man, and remembers feeling sick to his stomach because of it.
*
Kailyn didn't even go to the funeral with him. Turned out she has trouble dealing with death because her little sister passed away when they were kids.
They have their first fight when Arthur gets back from Dom's house. He just doesn't understand. Afterwards he locks himself up in a bathroom and calls Eames. They talk for two hours.
They start calling each other from time to time after that.
*
Arthur remembers their first time and it's a memory he's fond of, actually. He was a mess then, leaving a job unfinished just like that, because he felt Eames needed him to. But Eames was even more of a mess, bleeding and cursing, his head spinning.
They end up in Eames's flat in London. They always have to end up somewhere. There are too many words unsaid and too many gestures that will never be made, but he doesn't care anymore. He thinks maybe this is the moment they will finally find each other, so he gives it a shot.
It hurts. It hurts his body and his soul and his mind, and only the first kind of pain is a good kind of pain. Eames looks at him from under furrowed brows like he's trying to understand and failing miserably. Arthur absently runs his fingers over the tatoos on Eames's chest and tries not to hyperventilate, not to run away screaming from the feeling that hits him in the face, so heavy.
They don't even last till morning. A few hours later Eames is on a plane to Africa, and Arthur is on the phone with Dom, trying to placate him somehow.
They don't lose touch completely, though. They write e-mails - not every day of course, but once or twice a month is enough to know what's going on. Eames calls him a few times, but he's always drunk then.
Arthur learns how to breathe again.
*
When they're preparing for the Saito job and Dom mentions Eames, Arthur is furious and he isn't sure why. When Cobb leaves to find him in Mombasa and convince him to come, Arthur knows he himself would do a much better job of it. It is enough for a night of scotch and jerking off to old pictures saved on his phone.
They behave pretty well during the inception. Everybody knows it's the most important thing they've ever done.
When everything works out, Arthur and Eames find themselves engaged in a celebratory make-out session in an airport bathroom.
Eames is so enthusiastic he pulls Arthur's pants down and gets on his knees. While he's on it, Arthur threads his fingers through Eames's hair and bites his own lip, refraining from screaming out a lithany of empty I-love-yous.
Arthur doesn't have a chance to return the favour. Eames has a flight to catch.
*
Arthur remembers the time Kailyn saw them kissing. They didn't even try to hide, they didn't care, they were so hooked on this insane feeling of being reunited, of working together again. They never talked about it, but after the job he and Eames went their separate ways and Arthur did the only thing he could think of that would keep him grounded - he cut himself off. He didn't respond to Eames's e-mail, he didn't pick up the phone once, twice, three times. It was simple like that, but it wasn't easy. He knew they were never going to be together, never going to build anything at least quite stable. Arthur was going to settle. He was going to take the second best option.
When he proposed to Kailyn, she didn't smile, she didn't cry. Instead she took the ring and looked at it very closely before finally putting it on her finger.
Arthur remembers the horrible months he spent on the streets of New York back when he was young, looking for food in the trash and begging for drugs, then he remembers the look on Kailyn's face when she finally became his fiancee, and doesn't have to think long to know which was worse.
He spends the night silently whispering I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but nobody can hear him.
*
Dom says Eames is working with another team now, somewhere in South Asia. Arthur never asked.
*
"I can't do this, Arthur," she says one day. She's already packed his things into two large suitcases. Arthur wonders how his life fits into these two bags so easily and laughs loudly when she hands him the ring back.
He's laughing so hard he has to sit down. Tears start streaming down his face. Kailyn mutters "Asshole, you've been sleeping with him ever since" and starts punching him, growling angrily. Arthur wants to correct her, tell her he actually only slept with him once and it was a long time ago, but he's laughing so hard he can't do anything. He shields from her punches and wonders what caused the sudden turn of events.
She went through his e-mails, but he doesn't find out until he arrives in Dom's house and sets up his computer.
Arthur has been set free. He plays Uno with James and Phillipa and then sleeps soundly in Dom's guest bedroom.
Maybe this is the time Arthur will find himself.
*
Arthur remembers feeling empty. He lets go of the memory of Eames, he collects all of his things from Kailyn's house and he just doesn't have to try anymore. He is on his own. He spends nights in Dom's guest bedroom, tucked in with a cup of hot vanilla tea and his laptop and watches movies he didn't have time to see before. He laughs hysterically at the empty ceiling and thinks, Man, I gotta do something.
He goes to a gay club one night. He orders a drink, looks around and feels so strangely out of place, so uncomfortable he barely finishes it before he storms off. At midnight he tosses stones into a pond in some park and wishes it was Central Park.
In the morning, he knows what to do.
He finds a great condo in New York: fourth floor, a living room with an open kitchen, a small office, a bedroom, a large bathroom. A balcony with a view of a quiet street and Central Park just two blocks away.
He stares his past in the eye and doesn't look away. He fights the city until it gives up, and he makes it his home again.
It takes some time to settle. When he feels comfortable enough, he calls Ariadne and Yusuf, because he found them a job. They work with a new extractor - Cobb doesn't want to come back. But that's okay, he has his place, his friends and a job. He doesn't think about Eames, at all.
Only he falls asleep listening to old messages Eames recorded on his voicemail, lies in bed imagining his crooked smile and dirty blond hair.
Until then he was sure it was physically impossible to miss somebody that much.
*
This new job takes him to Australia and he is forever grateful for that.
When he notices Eames, he can't control the giant fucking smile breaking out on his face. He's here, and Arthur thinks the stupidest thing, he found me.
Too bad it seems like way too late.
Arthur remembers going for drinks in the evening and seeing Eames's smile tainted somehow, like he was suffering.
Why are we making it so hard for each other, Arthur thinks, and Eames tries to hold his hand.
Everything comes back to Arthur in a blink of an eye - from the moment Eames shook his hand for the first time up to last night, when old voicemail messages lulled Arthur to sleep again.
Maybe this is too difficult to ever work out.
Maybe things like that should be easy and pure. He's afraid again.
He gets up, mutters an apology and storms off.
*
It's very, very late and somehow Arthur is sure Eames is not asleep. He fights with himself for some time, standing at the crossroads again.
He sprays his face with water.
He drinks two little bottles of liquor from the minifridge.
He laughs and chants to himself. "I'm so stupid, so stupid, so stupid."
He really, really wants to punch Eames. He also wants to fuck him. He decides to yell at him over the phone instead.
When he does, Arthur hears faint amusement in Eames's voice. He's in 203. By some miracle, Arthur's room is on the same floor.
He hopes Eames wants it as much as he does.
Eames does. Oh God, he does.
*
Rays of sunshine start to break in through the window when they are lying, spread against white sheets, sweaty, tired and satisfied. They're holding hands beneath the duvet. Arthur is not planning on letting go. He promised.
"So what happens now?" Eames asks. "You know, after we're done with our jobs here."
"You might be of some use in my apartment in New York. I can't cook for shit."
Eames stares at him with these eyes, way too blue and way too fond.
"If you need a crash course, darling, I'll be happy to be your teacher."
"Or we can just skip this unnecessary part and let you cook for me every day."
"Well, as long as you can pay me back somehow."
Eames pins him to the mattress with both hands and kisses him, warm and languid.
Arthur remembers thinking, against all odds, that it might actually work out.
He just has to learn to breathe in a completely different way.