Work Text:
it’s late at night, been dark outside for ages now, and the uneasy feeling in taehyung’s stomach is slowly starting to worsen; to climb up, into his throat, making it a bit hard to breathe.
it’s been a little over half an hour now, since he’d woken up and sent jimin a text asking him where he was. but he still hasn’t sent anything back, and his snapchat location is off, so taehyung can’t check where he is.
taehyung hadn’t been able to sleep anymore.
jimin coming home late isn’t something that’s unusual, but it’s four in the morning now, and that is unusual.
it’s been a long time since it’s been this late.
taehyung could have, should have seen it coming, though. over the last few weeks, all the little signs have been there.; jimin skipping out on meals, constantly ‘sleeping over’ at jeongguk’s, wide sweaters on his body and dark circles under his eyes. he could’ve seen it but he’d decided not to and thought it’d blow over. that it’d go away without doing too much damage this time.
but jimin still hasn’t responded, and taehyung doesn’t like the gut feeling he gets from this. it’s a bit of a deja-vu.
he bounces his leg, sitting on the edge of his bed. he’s sitting with his blankets wrapped around him, soft and warm, and yet his hands are still shaking a little. a little too much to blame it on the fact that he’s just tired.
me
jimin
can you please answer your phone?
where are you
please min
he’s tried calling already, about fifteen times, but jimin never answers his phone anyways, and if he’s not answering to taehyung’s texts he sure as hell isn’t gonna talk to him over the phone.
taehyung is slowly, oh so slowly starting to panic a little. he doesn’t want to give in to it, but it’s there anyways. starting in the pit of his core, a little parasite that unfurls and spreads through his whole chest, curling around his organs and pressing on his lungs. he hates this.
me
dude
please.
just tell me where you are, okay?
i’ll come get you
ten minutes later, he still hasn’t gotten a response. taehyung takes a breath to calm himself. it absolutely doesn’t work.
me
it’s fucking four in the morning jimin where the HELL are you
i swear to god i’m gonna hit you when you get back
at least let me know you’re okay
jimin im really worried please text or call me
when he doesn’t get anything back; not even a single sign of life, taehyung gets fed up with it. he slips into the pair of old slippers under his bed and gets one of jimin’s sweatshirts to throw over his pajama shirt. it smells like him; that laundry detergent, fresh scent.
it smells like home to taehyung and when that thought enters his mind he immediately chasites himself for it because he is not such a soft bitch.
(he totally is for jimin. there’s really no point in denying anymore.)
he decides he’ll go to jimin himself then, if jimin won’t come to him. there’s a voice telling him jimin’s in the studio, probably dancing and being hard on himself ‘till he’s throwing up or fainting. taehyung’s not gonna let that happen.
he pushes the thought that maybe he’s too late far, far to the back of his head. he isn’t. not this time.
and then, just as he steps out of their room with sweaty palms and determination in his sore muscles, he gets a notification.
to say he sprints to his phone would be an understatement.
jimin
im ok
coming home now
a fucking weight drops off taehyung’s chest. he’s alive.
he rings the phone as fast as possible. he doesn’t have a clue of what to say to jimin if he picks up, but it’s probably gonna be something along the lines of: jesus goddammit don’t you ever do that again you fucker or holy fuck jimin i love you so much don’t ever worry me like that again — but after a few seconds it disconnects. jimin hung up. that little bitch.
me
answer your phone
jimin
no
walking home now no need to call
taehyung grinds his teeth. tries not to get mad at jimin over text because that will help no-one . still, the temptation is there, tickling in the back of his mind because jimin is a fucking idiot who can’t look after himself and he’s acting like he can.
me
want me to come get you?
jimin
no
me
jimin come on
don’t disappear like that again okay
at least text me back
turn your location on whatever
as long as i know you’re still breathing
i was so fucking worried.
his hands are shaking just a little but he tries not to pay attention to it as jimin types a message back.
jimin
im fine taehyung
taehyung grinds his teeth. he’s not .
me
i’m coming to get u
where are you right now
jimin
im on my way ill be home soon
me
not what i asked
jimin
i’ll be there
me
where are you
jimin
none of your fucking business
and there it is. hot and white, making his fingers flex and making jaw clench; anger.
me
yes my fucking business
i gotta make sure your ass is okay
jimin
taehyung i said i’m ok
go to sleep
i do not wanna see you when i get there
if i do i’m gonna get really fucking mad
don’t you dare wait for me
me
jimin
jimin
taehyung
i do not wanna see you
do not wait up.
and then jimin goes offline.
taehyung hits the bed with a loud groan. this . this is what he can’t deal with. jimin never, never accepts help. no matter how bad it is, he never lets someone close, lets someone look after him. he’s unbearable at times; no matter how hard taehyung tries, he always refuses, always swats him away with a laugh and an ‘i’m fine’.
but taehyung knows he isn’t. this— this isn’t jimin. he can be harsh at times but doesn’t talk like this. not to him. jimin’s not fine .
and it hurts like hell because taehyung just wants to help him and jimin won't let him. wants to be there for him and show him that he deserves the world and that he’s so, so special because jimin can’t seem to see those things himself. he doesn’t see that he’s the most beautiful boy on this planet, with the softest hands that wipe taehyung’s tears away when he cries and the softest cheeks that press against him when they’re laughing so hard they can’t breathe.
jimin doesn’t see that and taehyung’s heart aches.
it’s maybe ten minutes, ten minutes of taehyung sitting on the edge of his bed, fiddling with the strings of jimin’s hoodie in quiet anxiousness until he hears keys twist in the lock of the door.
with his head ducked down, jimin steps in, the black hood of his sweatshirt pulled over his head. his shoulders are hunched and his feet drag over the floor like he’s too tired to even walk. he comes in quietly, like if he’s quiet enough he could just slip into his own bed without taehyung noticing. like he’d really thought taehyung would just go to bed, after those texts.
to be fair, any sane person who has seen jimin mad probably would have. but taehyung’s not sane, and this is about jimin, so any rules are immediately invalid. whatever it takes.
jimin’s hand shakes when he tries to get the keys out of the lock again and he struggles with it. grunts, once, then drops his head against the wood of the door. takes a breath, one, two, blows out and tries again, turns to the room.
the moment taehyung sees jimin’s face, he knows all his suspicions were right.
he looks absolutely wrecked. they’ve seen each other at their worst— still drunk and hungover at the same time, throwing up into a trashcan while crying about some squirrel dead on the road, both sick with the flu and sweating out of their clothes, that time they did keta and the high was not great; left them both sick and aching, but this time, jimin doesn’t look just physically ill.
he looks tired. worn out. his eyes droop, dark bags under them, skin pale and ashy, his lips chapped and bleak. normally, they’re full and thick, the perfect lips to look at and dream about, but now they’re thin, a little smear of blood on them from a somewhat deeper cut.
he looks like his mind aches; like he’s— done . done with more than just the day. looks hauntingly much like he did last year in the hospital, and it punches taehyung in the gut.
when jimin sees him sitting there, it’s a few seconds of quiet. jimin looks at him, taehyung looks at jimin and there’s tension crackling in the air. it really could go two ways. one: jimin sighs and looks down and says sorry and taehyung hugs him and they go to bed. two. the other way.
the way jimin sighs. “oh.”
rolls his eyes.
it’s a shame, it’s gotta be that way.
taehyung was planning to stay calm. he was gonna sit jimin down and talk to him and make him something to eat and talk this out— fix this tension that’s between them for no reason. but then jimin sighs like that— like taehyung’s the one bothering him , and he feels it boil low in his gut.
“oh?” taehyung raises his eyebrows. “ oh ? that’s what i get?”
jimin shrugs, eyes rolling again. he leans with his body against the door, crossing his arms. “what would you like then?”
taehyung tilts his head, drumming his fingers on his knees, suppressed anger, frustration. “um...” he pretends to think for a second. “maybe an apology? maybe for you to tell me what’s going on? where you were?”
“check your texts. all i wanted to say to you is in there.” just as taehyung is about to open his mouth, jimin’s eyebrows furrow. “and oh yeah. what did i say? i don’t wanna see you . so what the fuck are you still doing here?”
taehyung tries not to snort. “yeah, about that,” he shakes his head. he and jimin got this; they’re never nice when they’re fighting, can be real mean to each other when they want to be. “what the fuck were you thinking, huh? ‘when i see you i’m gonna get real fucking mad?” he jumps up, points at his phone. the contained anger suddenly bursts at the seams, hot in his head and fire in his chest “who do you think you are saying that to me? ‘don't wait up?’ of course i’m gonna fucking wait up! what the fuck do you think of me?”
jimin blinks slow, like his lids are heavier with every word taehyung says. his wet hair, probably damp from sweat, falls in front of his eyes.
“ why .” he sighs, dropping his bag to the floor. the leather of the handle slips out between his limp fingers. “why taehyung. why would you do that?”
jimin asks it like he doesn’t even want to hear the answer. he closes his eyes, head resting against the door. his lips tremble with his shaking breaths.
taehyung lets out a defeated huff. does jimin really not get it? does he really not see that taehyung wants to be here for him? that he’s everything to him, his breaths and his heart and his life? “‘cause i fucking care about you!” he steps forward, closer to jimin. from up here, he looks even worse; hair nasty and greasy and sweat dripping down his pale skin, down his temples and the dip between his collarbones. “because you’re gone at four in the morning and i wake up not knowing where you are and that worries me!”
jimin shakes his head with his eyes a little unfocused. he tries to step around taehyung, but he’s stopped stops him with a hand on his chest and jimin falls right back against the door. he huffs. “why the fuck does it matter to you, anyways, huh? what if i was just sleeping over at someone’s?”
“then you would’ve texted me like you always do.”
“well, maybe i forgot.” jimin spits. “maybe i got too caught up in the moment and forgot to text because someone was making me feel good and i didn’t exactly have you on my mind. i do not always have you on my mind, taehyung.” jimin is tilting his head now. it’s what he always does when he wants to hurt; wants to really get under someone’s skin. “i don’t know if you understand that concept: not having me on your mind, because that’s clearly not ever an option for you, but i can’t give a fuck about what you want most of the time. ever thought about that? i do not always think about texting you or letting you know where i am because i don’t give a fuck about you, and i do not give a fuck about your worrying. for no reason, i might add.”
taehyung knows him so well. he smiles the pain away, tries not to let the words close. “what do you wanna achieve by saying this, jiminie?”
jimin’s gaze turns to ice.
“i want you to leave me the fuck alone, taehyung.”
taehyung huffs. “if you think i'm doing that, you’ve got all these years of friendship completely wrong.” he shakes his head. “you really think i’ll just walk away?” i care about you, jimin! i’m not just gonna leave you to rot.”
“taehyung.” jimin sighs, head banging against the door. the fire that sparked in his eyes for a few seconds seems to die out again. “why the fuck aren’t you just sleeping? just. go to fucking sleep. leave. me. alone.”
taehyung refuses to budge. he’s not gonna let jimin win this fight. he’s gotta stay strong. for him. “no.” he crosses his arms, holds his ground. “i’m still up because i wanted to be there for you. wanted to be there when you came home like this. i wanted to take care of you.”
“you wanted to lecture me.”
“do you really think i’d stay up for a fucking lecture ?” taehyung asks, unbelievably. “i have an 8am class tomorrow, jimin. if i’d only wanted to lecture you i would have let your ass rot in whatever hole you were fucking yourself up in and would’ve gotten a good night’s sleep. but i’m still here, aren’t i? at four in the morning, while the whole world is sleeping, i’m sitting here worrying about you, waiting for you to come home in your hoodie, for god’s sake. now what does that tell you?”
jimin presses his lips together so tight they become even more pale than they already are.
“could that mean that i give something about you?” taehyung steps closer, tilting his chin. “that i wanted more than just to kick your ass for doing this to yourself? you know it does jimin. you know it, you just don’t want to believe it.”
“i never asked for it, taehyung!” jimin says, voice a little thick. “i never asked for you to stay up or take care of me!”
“yeah, no surprise there.” taehyung spits, and yeah, that’s a harsh one. he can see it in the way jimin flinches back, jaw ticking like he’s taking the blow right on his face. taehyung keeps going though. he has to. has to go through this, even though he just wants to wrap his arms around jimin and make this alright. “now. where the fuck were you, jimin?”
“it’s none. of your fucking. business.”
“ yes , it is my fucking business!” when taehyung takes a step forward jimin takes a step back, this weird push and pull game they’ve got between them. taehyung can feel the electricity, the tension, in jimin’s tilt of his head and buzzing in his own arms. his hands curl into fists. “you are my best friend, this is my business. i’m responsible for you as well. goddammit jimin, if you tell me you were in the fucking studio—”
“oh, then what , huh?” jimin growls, pushing taehyung away, hands hard on his chest. taehyung stumbles back, but regains his balance quickly. he and jimin rarely get physical like this. it only really happens when the tensions run too high, when they’re too mad or frustrated to put into words. jimin’s strong and taehyung’s taller and broader, so usually they’re pretty equal in strength, but right now jimin’s weak. taehyung sees it in the way his arms drop, in the way his footing is a little uneven.
“then i’m gonna beat your fucking ass because that means you’ve been hurting yourself again!” he pushes jimin right back into place, slams him against the wall.
jimin looks livid . “so fucking what ?! it’s my life. my body. you’re not my fucking mom! i’m an adult, i can make my own decisions!” he struggles against the hands taehyung uses to keep him pressed against the wall, but he can’t fight himself free.
“ no , you can’t.” taehyung argues. he cocks his head, steps closer ‘till he’s got jimin caged in. “because take a guess. what would happen if i stopped caring, if i stopped looking out for you? what would happen, do you think ?”
and this is going into dangerous territory. this is dirty, and taehyung knows it, but he can’t stop now.
“you remember that? last year, when you fucking collapsed because of exhaustion and malnutrition and it wasn’t even sure if you were gonna live at all? you remember that? when you almost fucking died , doing such a good job at taking care of yourself?”
jimin looks like he’s been punched right in the face. his chest trembles under taehyung’s hands. maybe anger, maybe something else.
“you have nothing to say about that, taehyung. nothing.” it’s said quietly, a dangerous edge to it.
“don’t i?” taehyung whispers. “don’t i, jimin? wasn’t i the one who found you? wasn’t i the one who brought you to the ER? who warned you, like a hundred fucking times ?”
jimin swallows. takes a trembling breath. “fuck off.”
there’s something shining in his eyes. taehyung can see the cracks he’s making in jimin’s mask. sees them form in his lips, in his eyes, little splinters of how he really feels shining through.
“no. you don’t have the right to say that right now, jimin.” taehyung bites his lip, feels something clog up his throat. “you worried me sick .”
“then don’t worry about me!” jimin yells, finally finding the strength to push taehyung back by his shoulders.
“i can’t do that!” taehyung shouts, slamming him right back into the wall.
“why not?!”
“because i love you!”
jimin blinks. once. twice. he looks taken aback, mouth dropping open and face smoothing out.
the blood roars in taehyung’s ears.
and then jimin’s face pulls again.
“well, i fucking wish you didn’t!” his voice cracks, fists pounding on taehyung’s chest. “i don’t— i don’t love you, i fucking hate you! i wish you would just leave me alone !”
taehyung doesn’t answer. anything jimin says right now is a result of his anger. he doesn’t mean it. he doesn’t mean it.
he swallows. “where were you, jimin?”
jimin sets his jaw, tries to hold his head up. fists still resting on taehyung’s chest. “it’s none. of. your. business.” though he tries to stay strong, at the last word his voice cracks.
taehyung knows he’s getting through now. but jimin’s stubborn. so fucking stubborn.
“i’m giving you five more seconds to answer. if you don’t tell me where you were, then it’s done. i’ll do exactly what you want. i’ll leave you the fuck alone and leave you to collapse. and this time, i won’t be there to pick you up."
taehyung never, never wants to manipulate jimin like this but when he’s mad he does stupid things and he just wants to help.
jimin takes a shuddering breath. “gladly.”
“five,”
jimin clenches his jaw.
“four,”
his lip trembles.
“three,”
this is all or nothing, and jimin knows that too. of course, of course taehyung won’t drop him. he’ll stay right there by his side, always. always . but jimin needs to know that this is serious. that he really can’t help him without jimin giving something back.
“two,”
taehyung takes a step back, hands dropping from jimin’s shoulders.
“one—”
“ fine . fine.” jimin’s head is ducked down. “i was in the studio.” he blows out a breath. “are you happy now?”
and. no. taehyung isn’t. he’s fucking pissed .
“goddammit, park jimin!” he yells, jimin’s body slammed into the door once more. “we made rules! you were gonna tell me when you felt like that again and i was gonna help you and you weren’t gonna lie to me! let me guess, you weren’t with jeongguk yesterday either, huh? and that night you were studying at joon’s? the dinner with that one friend you knew from your childhood? fucking tell the truth for one, jimin!”
“how are you gonna fucking say that, huh?” jimin’s hands fist their way into taehyung’s hoodie, shaking him. “how can you say that, pretend like i’m just some pawn you can move around and do with whatever you want and then tell it you’ve got rules ? who the fuck do you think you are, making up all these rules when you have no fucking clue how it is—” he gasps, arms shaking, eyes glassing over, “—no idea how i feel or what it feels like to always fail and to have that voice that tells me to do shit, and i don’t want it!” he assures him, shaking his head wildly.
taehyung’s a little taken aback.
“i don’t wanna do all those things and hurt myself and starve myself and train ‘till i faint but i fucking do because i hate myself and i hate it to always feel like this and i hate it to always be worthless and to be one fucking huge disappointment to my parents and to my friends— to you .” jimin looks at him with shining eyes. drops his arms. “to you .”
“i don’t wanna disappoint you all the time, but i do ! i ruin your whole fucking life. i ruin everything , every nice thing you’ve got in your life i have to come along and stomp on it and make it miserable for you.” jimin is gasping for breath now, spitting the words with a thick voice.
he’s going to cry. taehyung knows him. god, he knows him so well. he thought. where did he miss this?
“and that’s why i want you to stop caring for me!” jimin continues, weakly swatting at his chest now. taehyung’s chest aches when he tries to hold him still and feels how he’s trembling. “i want you to hate me because i deserve that, i don’t deserve you caring about me. i don’t want it. you deserve to live your life without me because i’m— i’m worthless and i ruin everything for you, why can’t you just let me go ?” he pleads. “just let me go. forget about me. i’m nothing. you have to stay up for me and worry about me and i don’t want you to because i don’t deserve you— don’t deserve you worrying about me because i’m just me taehyung—” he heaves, takes in a sharp breath, “—i’m just me, nothing more, and you are you and i’m. i’m. i’m worth nothing. fucking useless.”
jimin’s voice cracks at the end. that, together with a tear finally slipping out of his eye and rolling over his cheek, dropping on the soft fabric of his sweater, all the remaining anger just. drains out of taehyung.
it leaves him with a soft, shattered heart. tears in his eyes.
oh god.
he stares at jimin, hands wrapped tightly around his wrists. jimin stares at him, tears in his eyes and on his cheeks, chest heaving and looking so, so lost and unsure.
taehyung releases a breath he’d been holding softly.
“...oh, jiminie.”
and that seems to be enough to break jimin.
“no. no, jimin. come here.” taehyung mutters, throat thick with hurt. he pulls jimin’s limp body tight into his arms, crushing him against his chest. jimin goes easy, like an old ragdoll falling into him. “no, sweetheart,” jimin’s hands grapple at his back, his body body shaking and heaving with heavy sobs. “oh god. come here. come here.”
jimin cries. he sobs, coughs, gasps so hard taehyung thinks he’s gonna choke and then coughs some more, tears wetting taehyung’s shoulder. taehyung clenches his jaw in an attempt not to cry as well. he’s never handled jimin being so sad well.
“jiminie,” he says, sliding a hand into jimin’s sweaty hair. “i got you. shhh, i got you. it’s okay.”
jimin shakes his head, coughing and gasping. “t-tae, i can’t— ‘m gonna throw up, please— tae—”
“shh,” taehyung shushes, lips against his temple. “you can breathe through it. go on, just breathe. breathe . you can do it, jimin.”
“t-tae—”
“shh. just breathe.”
and jimin can, and he does. gasps and splutters and sounds like he’s going to die a few times, but taehyung keeps his hands steady on his back and lets jimin breathe with him, a calm rhythm, chests rising against each other.
but then, when the wave of pure hysteria has passed, it just gets worse. like the panic had kept him with his head above the water just a little, but now he’s— sinking. literally. jimin clutches to him like his life depends on it, knees buckling and he cries— god, he cries. cries with his whole body and heart and it fucking hurts taehyung. hurts him to see jimin like this, because this is not supposed to be. this time had passed. it’s not supposed to be back.
“i— mh, i— tae, i ca-can’t—” jimin tries to say through his sobs, but taehyung just shakes his head, pulls him in tighter, hand around his waist and the other supporting the back of his head.
“shh. you don’t have to say anything, jiminie.”
then jimin’s sobs turn into the quiet ones. the painful ones, those that hurt in your chest and make your head ache, and he lets them out into taehyung’s neck, biting down on the fabric of the sweater. he shakes his head, claws at taehyung’s back.
“i do-don’t always wanna feel like this, t-taetae.”
taehyung squeezes his eyes shut. “i know. i know, sweetheart.”
they go down then, jimin no longer able to stand on his feet and taehyung not having the strength to keep them both up like this, so they sag to down to the carpeted floor. taehyung holds jimin close to him, tugs him onto his lap and jimin just folds into him like that, legs around his waist and arms tight around his neck.
the rush of comfort pulls through taehyung at having jimin against him like this and he squeezes him tight, tries to find some solace in the fact that at least jimin is home now. he’s safe, jimin’s safe, here in his arms, and he’s sad and broken but it’s nothing they can’t fix, because they’ve been here before. no matter what happens, taehyung’s got him now.
“oh god,” he whispers, kissing jimin’s temple, resting his lips there. “oh jimin. hey, i’m here. it’s okay. i got you.”
jimin whimpers, burrows deeper into him, his whole body wracked with cries.
taehyung feels a little helpless.
“i got you. i got you, baby.” jimin’s still sweaty, but taehyung can’t care when he rubs his fingers over the back of his neck soothingly, lips stroking over his forehead, trying to love, show, give . “jimin. i’m so sorry i said some of those things. i’m so sorry. you’re not a pawn. never. i fucking care about you, don’t you see that?” taehyung’s voice breaks, too. he bites his lip, resting his forehead against jimin’s. “i love you. i love you. i just want to look out for you. take care of you.”
jimin hiccups, but nods, tear tracks on his cheeks and fresh drops rolling out of his eyes when he closes them. “i know.” it’s quiet, but it’s there. “i know, tae.”
“let me, then.” taehyung cups his face, nuzzling their noses together. “let me, jimin. for once. please.”
jimin nods again, lips trembling. he looks like he’s about to fall apart again, but then at least this time he’s somewhere where he can safely do that. where he can just be, without trying to be anything more.
“... okay.”
taehyung sighs in relief, even when jimin starts shaking again. when he cries more and more and clutches his arms tight around taehyung like it’s the only thing keeping him grounded.
taehyung lets him release everything. lets him cry because that’s what jimin needs right now. he’s too far gone for a conversation, too far gone to sit down and talk about this. just needs taehyung’s arms around him now, warm and safe, his breath ruffling his hair and lips pressing to the crown of his head.
taehyung gives him all he can and then a little more. loving hands stroking over the warm strip of skin under his hoodie and fingers scratching at his scalp in all the ways that jimin likes so much.
after a while, the crying subdues a little. the waves of sadness and despair flow out and turn into little ripples; slow, hot tears rolling out of his eyes, soaking taehyung’s already wet collar even more, quiet hiccups that sometimes interrupt the serene silence blanketed over the room.
slowly, taehyung’s hands move down to rest over his waist. jimin curls up into himself a little when he does, and it’s then that taehyung swallows; when he feels. jimin’s always been skinny, though nicely shaped with all the right curves in all the right places, but now taehyung can easily feel jimin’s ribs, even through the thick of his sweater.
without being too obvious about it, taehyung slips his hand under jimin’s hoodie and trails it up over the warm skin, cups his hand over his ribcage; over the black ink carved into skin there.
feels the sharp ridges. can press his fingers into the spaces in between his ribs.
gently, he cups the back of jimin’s head with his other hand and eases him back a little so he can look at him. “hey. when was the last time you ate?”
jimin looks at him first, with red, teary eyes, before he drops his gaze like he’s too ashamed to hold it. shakes his head. “... don’t know.”
and taehyung could scold him right now, but he won’t. it won’t get them anywhere. instead, he tilts jimin’s chin up and wipes a falling tear away. “okay. that’s okay.” he presses his lips to jimin’s forehead. “it’s okay. i’m gonna make you some hot chocolate, alright?”
jimin nods, shuddering. peeks one eye open. “marshmallows?”
taehyung’s lips twitch up. “yeah. with marshmallows.” his voice drips with fondness. “i can even make you some toast with that jam you like so much? do you want that?” he strokes along jimin’s cheekbone. “think you can eat a little?”
“... i think i can’t.” jimin whispers, shamefully. he shakes his head. “no. i don’t think— no—”
taehyung nods in understanding, smiles gently. “that’s okay.” his thumb rubs softly over jimin’s temple. “small steps.”
“yeah.” jimin agrees quietly.
“we can do that.” taehyung assures him.
relief washes over jimin’s face. “thank you.”
“how about you go take a shower? i think you’ll feel a little better.” his hand strokes over his clammy back for a second. “you’re a little sweaty, huh?”
“sorry—”
“shut up. you know i don’t care.” taehyung sends him a little smile, presses a small kiss to his nose. “just think it’ll help you feeling a little more fresh.”
jimin blows out a breath, nods. “yeah. yeah, okay.”
“up we go.” taehyung pats his ass and helps him up. jimin still wobbles on his legs when he stands, clutches at taehyung’s arms to keep his balance. taehyung scans his face, worry dripping off his gaze. “you good?"
jimin closes his eyes, swaying a little. “yeah. a little dizzy.”
“come on. i’ll get you in the shower—”
“no, no.” jimin shakes his head. “i got it.”
“sure?” taehyung keeps his hand steady at his waist, can feel the erratic beat of his heart. “i can help you?”
“nah.” for the first time this night, jimin’s face twists up into something that could resemble a smile. it looks a little devastating, with tears still on his cheeks and his eyes puffy from all the crying, but he smiles. it’s a start. “you just wanna see my ass, you horny fuck. i’ll be fine.”
taehyung laughs. “alright then. i’ll make you some hot chocolate.”
“with marshmallows!”
taehyung shakes his head fondly as jimin walks off to the bathroom. “yeah. with marshmallows.”
the chocolate milk is bubbling in the pan and all is good and warm when taehyung suddenly hears a loud clatter coming from the bathroom. immediately, his senses are back to panicking.
“jimin?”
he strains his ears to hear when it’s quiet for a few seconds, only the sound of water running down.
and then, soft and broken,
“tae?”
“yeah?” taehyung yells back, heartbeat pounding in his ears.
it’s quiet for a little more.
“i can’t.”
shit.
“coming!” taehyung turns the stove off and sprints to the bathroom as fast as he can, uneasiness high in his throat. he doesn’t know what ‘i can’t’ entails exactly, but jimin sounds so sad, so unstable that all his muscles are tense.
he doesn’t know what to expect when he comes in.
the least he expects though, is to find jimin standing under the stream of water, fully clothed, except his shoes and socks, which are haphazardly planted in front of the shower. jimin’s crying again, collapsed against the wall and hands in his hair, face twisted in agony. the shampoo bottles are knocked on the floor.
it reminds taehyung a lot of last year. shivers creep up his spine.
“oh god.” he’s frozen for a few seconds, wide eyed and mouth open before he springs into action. “oh, shit, jimin—”
he steps into the shower without any regard of his clothes and grabs jimin’s hands, which are violently pulling at his own hair, and feels, to his shock, that the water is ice cold.
jimin shakes his head, heaving a sob. “‘m sorry— tae, i just can’t,” he coughs, chokes on some water. it drips down his face in streams and his hair is soaked, matted to his forehead. “i thought it’d help, to just, you know— a cold shower, i dunno, i thought it’d be good bu-but— but— but—”
“jiminie,” taehyung interrupts his ramble with the softest voice possible, cold water slipping over his lips. “jiminie. give me your hands. come on. let go.” slowly, he is able to weave his fingers between jimin’s and tug his hands away from his hair. the strands that came loose swirl with the water down the drain. “good. good. you’re okay.”
and jimin—
jimin isn’t. taehyung can see it.
the statement makes him sob even harder. “i’m not— ‘m not, t-tae, i— it fucking hurts—”
“but you’re gonna be okay.” taehyung assures him, firm. cups his face and looks at him. the cold water soaks through his hoodie now, wet and nasty and making him shiver. “jimin. maybe it hurts now, but you’re gonna be okay. you are.”
jimin’s lip trembles. he looks like the whole world's falling apart around him. “what if i’m not?” his shaking, cold fingers clutch to taehyung’s wrists.
“oh, you are.” wet thumbs stroke over wet cheekbones and lips press to a cold, cold forehead. “i promise you, baby."
and he doesn’t know if jimin believes him, doesn’t even know if that is possible at this moment, because this is probably the lowest they can get; fully clothed, crying in a cold shower, choking on sobs and water.
at least it’ll only get better after this.
taehyung says so, and jimin looks at him, one, two seconds, before he’s laughing and crying even harder, sagging through his knees again. taehyung refuses to drop him again; wraps his arms tight around him and tucks him close to his chest and cups the back of his head to guide it to the crook of his neck.
they’re not going down again. not twice a night. they’ll be strong enough.
“shh. come here. c’mere. got you.” he murmurs into jimin’s soaked hair when he shudders with his whole body, trembling in his arms like a leaf and teeth clattering. it aches in taehyung’s chest.
jimin sobs it all out on his shoulder. he clutches the back of taehyung’s sweater. “you-you’re getting all wet.”
“yeah,” taehyung hides his smile in his hair. “the things i do for you, jiminie. come on, i’ll help you. let’s turn the heat up first, yeah?” he reaches behind jimin for the temperature knob and turns it up all the way, until he can finally feel some warmth seeping into his skin. he sighs in relief, feels it curl all the way up to his toes. “there we go. just like that. now, let’s get those clothes off—”
“no, no no,” jimin protests, already pushing him away. “just go, please. i’ll manage—”
“jimin.” taehyung stops him. jimin’s eyes are still bleeding tears, mixing in with the water on his face. “let me take care of you. please.” he bites his lip, presses their foreheads together. jimin shudders out a sigh. “you’d let me. remember?”
he can feel jimin nod. can pinpoint the exact moment he surrenders, gives himself to taehyung so he can be taken care of, for once. he can feel him relax, can feel how he leans into him and gives him his trust. god, so much trust.
“okay. alright.”
gently, taehyung arranges him so he’s fully under the warm water. jimin is still shivering, but the hot water does him good. his shoulders say a little, head falling back, though the tears are still streaming down, but that’s okay.
taehyung coaxes jimin’s arms up and carefully strips the heavy and soaked hoodie off his body, then throws it to the side to deal with later. he’s left in a thin tank top, already completely transparent and soaked. taehyung’s gentle when he pulls that off as well, gentle when he hooks his fingers in the waistband of jimin’s sweatpants and helps him out of them.
jimin is left only in his underwear. taehyung tries not to look at his body, the way he’s gotten so thin.
“hey.” he whispers, barely audible over the water, over the steam quickly filling up the space between their bodies. his fingers hook into the elastic stretched over his hips. “can i take these off, too?"
jimin laughs wetly through some tears. “yeah. of course you can.”
“okay. okay.” taehyung does so, supporting jimin as he steps out of them. “stay here for a second, yeah?”
quickly, he strips off his own clothes too, because they are soaked and heavy and weighing down on his shoulders. the wet mops of fabric are thrown on the floor and the warm steam hits his skin, some sort of relief, a nice feeling.
jimin is looking at him when he turns back and taehyung looks back, steps in closer and—
you’d expect that, for a second, there’s something, that small flicker of tension that’s inevitable when they’re both naked with hot steam all around them, but there really isn’t. taehyung smiles a gentle smile while his heart aches for jimin and jimin smiles back, lips wobbling and it’s just. all tenderness.
there’s nothing sexual about the atmosphere. not when taehyung coaxes jimin into turning around and lets him lean against his chest, when he rubs some shampoo from one of the fallen bottles between his fingers and lathers them through jimin’s hair. it’s all soft hiccups and almost dried up tears, exhausted sighs and careful touches. it’s all the love taehyung has to give being rubbed into jimin’s scalp softly, fingers working and circling, pressing behind his ears and just under his scalp.
jimin makes these soft little pleased sighs when he does, steps a little closer. “ah. that— that feels good.”
“mhm.” taehyung hums, deep in his chest. his eyes follow the suds going down jimin’s toned back, slippery over his wet skin. mindlessly, a hand follows that trail, sliding over tense muscles and protruding shoulder blades. jimin’s breath hitches a little; whether it’s from the crying or something else, taehyung doesn’t know.
either way, he helps jimin rinse his hair and then squeezes some of his own body wash on his hands. jimin always uses that one instead of his own—claiming the smell makes him happy— when he thinks taehyung isn’t home and it annoys taehyung like hell because the stuff is expensive as fuck, but for this time, he’ll allow it.
the bathroom is doused in a scent of vanilla and cinnamon when taehyung starts working his fingers into his shoulders, wet skin slippery under his hands. jimin lets his head drop forward, sighs , as taehyung presses harder, massages all the knots out of his tense back. “mh, tae. that’s— yeah.”
“you’re so tense, jimin-ah.” taehyung murmurs as he works at a particularly tight knot in his shoulder, using both hands to get the right pressure. “relax."
jimin’s sigh still trembles a little. “‘m trying.”
“yeah. i know. hey,” he stops massaging for a second and gently turns jimin’s head so he can look at him properly. jimin looks at him, still with watery eyes, a red nose. taehyung feels it squeezing in his chest, and he tries to smile, reassuring. “you’re doing so good.”
“i’m not—”
“you are.” taehyung frowns when he can feel jimin’s back tense up against him again. “come on. let me take care of you."
and jimin tries. taehyung can feel him trying so hard, and he’s so proud of him for it. he knows how hard it is for jimin to let himself go in front of someone, but now, taehyung can feel jimin give himself to him, everything being handed to taehyung on a silver platter.
with his hands on jimin’s sides, he swears to god never to hurt him. not if he can’t help it.
jimin shivers when he takes a little break from pressing his fingers into his muscles to circle his thumbs into soft flesh, now turning a little pink from the ministrations and the hot water. taehyung smiles, knows jimin likes that.
“i can’t do this right, right now.” taehyung says. “i’ll do it better tomorrow, okay?”
“hah. yeah. that’s fine, tae.”
he and jimin do this often; giving each other massages, taking care of each other when they’re particularly sore after a workout. so taehyung knows what jimin likes, what makes him feel good, knows what makes him sigh just a little harder or what makes him release those happy low sounds he wants to hear right now. jimin deserves that.
unfortunately, standing up he doesn’t have too much leverage, so he can’t really press his hands in, can’t do it just like jimin likes, but he tries his best. presses his fingers into the dips of his back, works his hands over his sides, circles his thumbs against his hips all until he can slowly, slowly feel the tension drain out of jimin, all the stress and wound tight panic going down the drain together with the water.
“there we go.” taehyung whispers against the back of his ear. “there you go. good, jimin-ah. so good for me.”
when jimin starts crying at those words again, taehyung knows this time it’s different. these are tears from exhaustion, from being overwhelmed and tired and still hurting a little, because he’s had a rough day and he’s being taken care of right now and that’s all a little much. taehyung gets it.
“ah,” he tuts, softly. “come here.”
jimin turns around with his head ducked low, knowing him a little embarrassed, crying for such a silly reason, but taehyung’s having none of it. slowly, he moves his hands up jimin’s chest, pausing at his heart for a second.
it’s a slow heartbeat. steady.
that’s good. that’s— that’s good. a relief, for taehyung, who rubs his thumb over his pulse. then, his hands trail up, and he cups jimin’s face and tilts his chin up so he can look into his wet eyes and allows his lips to twitch up into something like a smile because he adores this boy so much . even when said boy is wet, even when said boy is still silently crying and sniffing and even when said boy lets out a small, sad sound and falls into his chest, limbs weak.
taehyung sighs and smiles and wraps his arms tight around him.
slowly, he rocks them back and forth. the water still cascades down their bodies, warm and comforting. normally, showering together is a bit of a hassle, but now it’s good. it’s slow and soft and they have all the time in the world to stand here and heal.
the skin on skin contact is good, too. it’s nice to have jimin pressed up against him like this. bare and soft, smelling like his shower gel. jimin belongs to him, just like taehyung belongs to jimin.
“hey jiminie.” he murmurs after a while, stroking his wet nape. he tries not to break the fragile, soft bubble of comfort they’ve made around them.
“hey, tae.” jimin answers, so soft.
“you okay?"
he feels jimin nod against his shoulder. “i think so.”
“yeah?” taehyung strokes his hand over his back. “had enough shower time?"
“mhm, almost.” jimin wraps his arms a little tighter around his waist, pulling him close. “almost.”
“alright.” taehyung laughs and indulges him for a bit more before he’s slowly letting go of jimin.
jimin whines a little. pouts. “no, stay for a little more.”
again, taehyung laughs, because jimin’s honest to god adorable when he’s like this. “let me go and get some things ready, yeah? you can stay here for a little more and i’ll come get you when i’m done.”
jimin blinks up at him.
taehyung swipes a leftover tear off his cheekbone. “you trust me?”
“so much.”
“good.” taehyung smiles, kisses his forehead. “then you enjoy this for a bit more. i’ll come get you soon.”
quickly, taehyung rinses himself off and then and hurries to dry himself. steps into a pair of sweats, wet hair flopping over his forehead, and gets his bed ready for jimin.
taehyung knows jimin likes sleeping in his bed more than he does in his own, so he props up some pillows against the headboard and gets a few thick blankets from his closet to throw on there, too. he makes sure the lightning is low, cozy and safe and lights up one of his lavender scented candles to top it off, because jimin loves those and always steals them from his stash.
when he’s reheating the chocolate milk, he hears the shower still going in the other room, and when he sprinkles the marshmallows on top of the whipped cream, he feels that bone crushing feeling starting in the pit of his stomach.
that feeling that eats him up from the inside and that feeling that makes his skin crawl, because he should have seen this— he should have noticed and should have done something— stepped in—
as soon as it creeps up, consumes him, he pushes it away. if he starts to think like this, he’ll lose it, and he can’t have that right now. jimin needs him. there’s no room for him to start feeling like this.
so instead, he finishes jimin’s hot chocolate and puts it down on the nightstand, checks everything one last time and then goes to check on jimin
this time around when he gets into the bathroom, it isn’t with the heart-shattering sight of jimin sobbing and tearing his own hair out. now, he’s standing with his back towards him under the stream of warm water, his head leaning back and his arms around himself in a loose hug.
he looks okay. sad, but okay.
“jiminie,” taehyung calls to him, holding up one of the biggest and fluffiest towels they’ve got at the corners. jimin turns around and it’s beautiful to see the way his eyes soften up, a small smile twitching at the corner of his mouth. taehyung smiles softly. “c’mere.”
he lets jimin step into the towel and dries him off with it, starts at his neck and works down his whole body and finishes up by throwing the towel over his head and ruffling it. “there we go. hi.” he says when jimin’s face is revealed again, and jimin giggles, ducks his head down.
“i’m not a baby. you don’t have to play peekaboo with me.”
taehyung frowns and just to mess with him he wraps the towel tight around him, tugs him close. “you will let me baby you.” he says seriously. then he bumps their noses together. “boop.”
and taehyung loves how jimin tries to frown at that, but after a few seconds he cracks and lets his lips slide into a lazy smile, shaking his head. “you—” he sighs, falls into taehyung’s chest. “you. stupid.”
“yeah.” taehyung wraps his arms around his small frame, laughs, buries his nose in jimin’s still wet, freshly washed hair. “you stupid. so stupid. i know, baby.”
“shut up.”
but jimin loops his arms around his waist and presses a kiss to his sternum, and it feels like everything is a little more right after that.
jimin slowly sips his at hot chocolate, tiny hands wrapped around his mug. his hair’s slowly drying over his forehead and taehyung gets the urge to sweep it away.
he does. jimin smiles up at him and shuffles a little closer, their legs pressing together under the blankets. “hah. do i look that ugly?”
his eyes are still swollen, and he has a pimple on his cheek. there are dark circles under his eyes and his cheeks are hollowed out but. this is jimin.
“you look beautiful.” taehyung says quietly.
“shut up.” jimin scoffs. then adds, “do i?”
“you always do.”
jimin’s cheeks colour a little rosy at that, and he directs his eyes back to the screen of the laptop on their laps again. they’re watching some old show they’ve both already watched three times, but it doesn’t matter. they’re not really paying attention to it anyways. more important is the way jimin’s hiccups are slowly dying down. the way their legs are pressed together under the bundle of blankets taehyung wrapped them in.
“thank you,” jimin murmurs after a while, looking down at his now empty mug. his hair falls in front of his eyes. “for staying up. i—. thank you.”
“always.” taehyung looks at him, lets his mouth twitch up. he wraps an arm around jimin’s shoulders. “gotta take care of you.”
it seems like after that, something clicks in jimin’s mind, that it’s okay, and he can finally fully relax. he rests his head on taehyung’s shoulder, melts into him and slowly, his breaths even out, his body melting against taehyung more and more ‘till he’s left with a little ball of sleeping jimin cradled in his arms.
taehyung smiles to himself as he carefully maneuvers jimin so he’s lying down. he lies his head down on the pillow and pulls the blankets up to his chin, makes sure he’s nice and warm. jimin’s wearing one of taehyung’s loose shirts, and while it is pretty warm in the room, jimin is known to get very cold while he sleeps, so taehyung pulls the blankets a little tighter around him before he hops out of bed to blow out the candles and turn off the lights.
the wooden floor feels cold under his feet when he blows the candle out at jimin’s side of the bed and absentmindedly cards a hand to his — now almost dried up— hair.
let’s himself look for a while.
when he slides under the blankets after brushing his teeth, arms and heart open, jimin curls into him in a way that makes contentedness flutter in his stomach. he sighs, lets jimin wriggle into a comfortable position and wraps his arms around him. safe.
“hi sweetheart.” he whispers, kissing jimin’s forehead. it’s more for himself than anything, really. a quiet reassurance he’s here. he’s okay now.
“mhm,” jimin sighs, whines softly. “‘m so, so tired, tae.”
taehyung knows he is. he also knows there’s something still keeping him awake, but he won’t push. he’s done that enough today. it’ll flow out of jimin when he’s ready. until then, taehyung will hold him tight to his chest and pretend it’s all okay. at least for now.
just tonight.
“i know. ‘s what you get from all that crying, huh?”
jimin huffs a chuckle. “yeah.” then he pouts, scrunches his nose. “my head aches.”
“my baby.” taehyung coos, rubbing circles into the back of his neck and suppressing his smile. jimin’s fucking adorable when he’s sleepy. “you want some water?”
“‘s okay.”
“a paracetamol?”
“... yeah.”
“‘kay.” taehyung kisses his hair. “i’ll get it for you.”
he gives him a glass of cool water and the tablet in his hand, helps jimin sit up as he swallows it with a grimace. taehyung’s lip twitches. jimin’s always hated swallowing pills.
“there you go.” taehyung whispers, fingers carding through his hair at his nape. it’s a little longer now than normal. taehyung loves it; loves how it makes him look a little wild, a little more daring. sexier.
they pull the blankets back into place again and set the glass on the nightstand and jimin curls back into him like he’s always done.
“fuck.”
“what?” taehyung frowns, looking down at the mop of hair hidden in his neck.
“i have class at 10 tomorrow.”
“so?”
“ so .” jimin presses, sighs loudly. “it’s six in the morning now. and i’m so tired tae. i’m so tired, please— ”
“shh.” under his fingers, he can feel jimin’s ribcage tremble in panic again and he soothes and soothes until jimin is relaxing against him again. “jimin.” he says. “sweet, sweet jimin. if you think i’m gonna let you go to that class, you really don’t know me at all. there’s no way you’re going there.” he promises him, and jimin breathes out. “i’m calling you sick for the next few days and you’re gonna sleep and you’re gonna cuddle me and i’m calling yoongi to cook you food and jeongguk to watch stupid kitten videos with you and namjoon to read you stories and you’re gonna rest.” he stresses, squeezing at his waist. “you’re my baby. i’m taking care of you.”
it’s quiet for a few seconds.
“you know i’m older than you, right?” jimin pulls back from his little spot buried in taehyung’s neck to squint at him.
“i do not wanna hear it.”
“are you sleeping?”
“no.” jimin whispers back into the dark.
“good.” taehyung bites his lip. apologizing is always something he’s found scary. “hey. um—” he turns to lie on his side so he can look at jimin’s face. “i’m. i’m sorry i said some of those things. and sorry i got physical with you.”
“no.” jimin immediately shakes his head. some of his hair falls into his eyes. “i should say sorry.” he looks taehyung in the eyes until he can’t anymore. “i. you know i didn’t mean any of it, right? when i said that i— i hate you and that i don’t give a fuck about you, all that stuff, nothing, there was nothing i meant—”
“i know.” taehyung breathes, nodding. he finds jimin’s hand under the blankets and squeezes it, squeezes because it hurts remembering those words, even when he knows they were said in a rage. and he doesn’t blame him. it just hurts. “i know, min.”
jimin looks up and locks eyes and taehyung thinks he’s going to drown.
because jimin’s eyes are dark and vulnerable and they’re staring at taehyung’s lips now and he’s shuffling forward ‘till the tips of their noses are brushing together.
his breath ghosts over taehyung’s lips, warm. “can i kiss you?”
it’s barely whispered. almost begging.
and taehyung says yes because he’s tired, too, and because he wants to and because he could never not want jimin close.
it’s soft, something very safe and lovely, when jimin kisses him. it’s all the comfort and all the tears and all the worries and fears. taehyung’s world twists upside down behind his closed eyes, and he lets himself drown in it.
their lips part with a quiet sound, breaths mingled.
“tae.” jimin murmurs, and there’s something about his tone that makes taehyung keep his eyes closed, rest his forehead against his. “i love you.” a hand on his cheek and a careful kiss to the corner of his mouth. “i really fucking do.”
and in the tranquil between their lips and the dark room, it crawls up taehyung’s throat again. that feeling he’d tried to suppress earlier. that gut eating, skin crawling, nauseating feeling that makes him want to throw up; makes him want to cry.
guilt.
“jiminie,” he chokes out, voice thick. he doesn’t dare to open his eyes.
“mm?”
“... i’m sorry for not noticing.”
there’s a sharp intake of breath that makes taehyung open his eyes and he’s met with jimin’s furrowed eyebrows, the downturn of his mouth.
“i—”
“shut up.” jimin cuts him off. “i’m am not going to accept you feeling guilty for this. not gonna fucking do it. i wasn’t home a lot for a reason, you know? i wanted to hide it from you because… i don’t know.” he huffs a laugh. “maybe i just wanted to not have to try. just. wanted to hate myself for a little more, because that’s easier than working on it. and i avoided you because you know me better than anyone, and i knew that with one glance at me you’d know something was up.”
“still.” taehyung looks down. gnaws at his lip. “i should’ve noticed you weren’t doing good. i should’ve— god. i should’ve known .”
“how?” jimin laughs, incredulously. “i hid it from you. i avoided you!”
“no— jimin—”
“taehyung. i want you to shut up.”
“ no .” taehyung presses. somewhere, he knows jimin is right, but just like jimin says. maybe it’s easy to blame himself. easier, at least, than seeing the reality. because the reality means that jimin did this to himself, and he’d rather feel like clawing his skin open than feeling like his heart is ripped out of his chest because jimin wants to hurt himself.
“no— jimin, i’m your best friend.” he swallows, feels his throat close up. “two days ago i saw you outside the science building and i remember thinking you didn’t look so good but i didn’t say anything because i was late to class and i— god, i should’ve just skipped class and talked to you, but no, i was too busy with my own life, and if i had just taken you home that day maybe i could have avoided this—”
he’s cut off with jimin’s lips pressed to his, a surge forward and a harsh breath sucked in. when jimin pulls back, his eyes are blown. “i want you.” he pants lightly, looming over taehyung. “to shut. up.”
taehyung feels jimin’s wild heartrate where his hand is resting on his bare hip, slipped under his shirt.
he can only stare at jimin’s lips.
“okay.”
jimin kisses him again and taehyung kisses him back, indulges for a second. it’s warm hands sliding over bare skin and tongues slipping into hot mouths. it’s comfort, in the way they’re all over each other and connected everywhere and in the way jimin cards his fingers through his hair softly. taehyung melts into the pillow under him when jimin sofly slips his tongue under his and feels a tingle up his spine, starting just above where jimin’s other hand is gripping his hip.
he melts into the pillow and lets jimin crowd over him, doesn’t think much about the way their bare legs slide together under the blankets, smooth and warm, doesn’t think about jimin’s wet tongue in his mouth and his hands on jimin’s hips. it’s not even sexual. it’s just. safe and warm and it feels good, and taehyung gives, gives, gives ‘till he feels himself arch off the bed, into jimin’s touch; ‘till he hears himself gasp softly and feels his fingers curl into jimin’s shirt and that’s when he slows down, breathes out, pulls back.
looks at jimin with a twinkle in his eyes when he boy’s rolled off of him with a sigh, a small chuckle.
and really. they could say something. taehyung could make a witty comment and tease him about how jimin had said he was so tired but still has the energy for this, but jimin’s eyes are drooping and. it isn’t needed. taehyung just opens his arms and lets jimin into his heart, easy as always.
“jimin.” he whispers into his hair, when they’ve both been teetering on the edge of sleep for a while. taehyung hopes he isn’t talking to the darkness alone.
“taetae.” jimin slurs back, so quiet.
“i need you to listen to me for a second.” he cups jimin’s cheek, tilts his head up. jimin blinks at him blearily. “i know we’ve had this conversation before, but i’m gonna say this again.” he sighs. “jimin, i need you to tell me when you feel like this again. and it’s not just a want, it’s a need. i need to know, so i can help you. so i can be there for you. so i can be your shoulder to cry on or your punching bag to… punch on.”
jimin chuckle shakes his body and taehyung smiles to himself, but continues.
“i don’t care what you use me for, or if you even want to talk to me at all, but i need to know what’s going on in that little head of yours. you don’t have to talk with me about it, but i do need to know. i wanna be there for you.” he strokes his thumb over jimin’s cheekbone, sees how his eyes try to flutter closed, but how he keeps them open anyways.
the small things. the beginnings of trying.
“and i know. i know you don’t believe that right now. maybe you don’t believe it or maybe you don’t want to believe it but i want to be here for you and that’s the truth . i love you.” he can feel his voice start to tighten up, his teeth trapping his lip between them. “i love you so fucking much i don’t know what to do with myself sometimes. and. i need you. i need you in my life.”
taehyung takes a shuddering breath. jimin looks at him like he’s his world. taehyung thinks he’s looking at him the same way.
“you’re. you’re my boy, jimin. i’m yours, but you’re also mine. don’t forget that. you’ll always have a place here.”
it’s not a surprise, to see tears well up in jimin’s eyes, because taehyung’s vision turns a little blurry as well.
he cups his face with both hands, kisses him again, just because he can, and jimin’s lips tremble when they touch his.
“i know you don’t want to believe this right now. i know it’s so much easier to hate yourself and think you’re worth nothing and that you’re useless, but you’re not. you are so strong. you are so good.” taehyung’s breath hitches. “you deserve everything. everything. don’t ever accept anything less. from others, but from yourself, too, okay? you— you are worth so, so fucking much, baby.”
it’s almost ridiculous how much it rings true. taehyung’s hands shake from it, his lips bleeding with the love he wants to give, to give and to give until jimin is dizzy from it.
“my jiminie.”
his voice shakes. jimin smiles quietly, a little crack of light in the darkness.
“and tomorrow,” he continues, “i will write it down. everything i just said, i will write it down so you can read it over and over and over and over until you can dream it and you’re not going to have another option than to believe those words. ‘till you’ve got them all up in your pretty little head here.” with a smile, he taps jimin’s temple. “got it?”
“got it.” jimin confirms with a giggle. his eyes get soft and he’s. he still looks sad. there’s a dark edge around his eyes and his smile is made with effort, but it’s not desperate anymore. it’s a quiet sadness. one that simmers on and will eventually burn out, but that’ll take time.
that’s okay, too.
“now go to sleep, jiminie.” he whispers. “i’m staying here. it’s all gonna be okay.”
“okay. goodnight, taehyungie.” jimin whispers back, and it’s like all’s all right in the world again.
taehyung pulls him close for the night and doesn’t think anymore. not about this night, not about jimin or about them. doesn’t let his mind wander because he knows he’ll come up with an empty paper where all the answers are supposed to be written. he knows because he’s tried this many many times before, and every time it ends with taehyung being confused but jimin still in his arms; in his heart.
and jimin’s here in his arms— and in his heart, because he’ll always be there. like taehyung said, he’ll always have a place there— and he smells like his shampoo and he realizes there’s no need to come up with answers because they are already here. jimin belongs to him. he belongs to jimin. he doesn’t need to know anything else. this is more than enough.
jimin will always be enough.
he presses a kiss to his forehead.
“goodnight, sweetheart.”
always enough.