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He was handsome, that much could be said. Besides, he had a good job, and was educated, which was everything that Freddie wasn't. Well, to be fair, none of the men around her ticked those boxes, and that could be what drew her to Ben, but pulled her away at the same time. Even less desirable was the fact that Tommy approved. She wasn't a teenager anymore, or the young woman that had made a point and a spectacle of falling for the wrong man. No, she was a mother now, her son was at school, but the same impulse to show her often overbearing brother the middle finger was still there.
Their first meeting was unorthodox, what with her being encarcerated, and him walking in on her naked. But he'd turned around, she'd given him that, and allowed her to put some clothes on. The interrogation went as expected, she had long left her communist ideals behind, and had nothing to tell Army Intelligence. However, to the man who represented the institution, she had plenty. His name was Ben Younger, and Ada Thorne, born Shelby, thought nothing of him at first. He was kind, but that was about it. She'd met many kind men in her lifetime, and it wasn't the kind of quality that stood out to her too much.
Unless they insisted on taking her home.
And unless the housekeeper said young master Karl was still at school, working overtime due to a fight that broke out during recess.
And unless he accepted her invitation for tea.
All those things were a little more rare, and with a teacup in her hand, Ada found that a kind man often hides other attributes, such as a good sense of humour, humility, and a good dose of intelligence. She appreciated a good conversation, which was a rare comodity in the loneliness of London, and of raising a boy as a single mother. All Karl wanted to talk about was cars and horses and all that childish shit, exhausting her already limited patience in a very short period of time. Speaking to an adult, especially a male adult, with opinions and information, was a breath of fresh air. At some point, the tea went cold, and Ada decided it was best to act now or forever hold her peace. Now, before Karl arrived; now, before she lost her nerve; now, before he got up and left... now, before the bubble burst and she went back to being a Shelby.
What counted was the fact that he had accepted her kiss, and had followed when Ada made the quickest of ways to the first bedroom she could think of. Ada was vaguely aware of saying something to him before almost ripping off his clothes, and was also aware that he'd replied, but none of them could be bothered to remember what it was, what had been so important. On the other hand, when the front door oppened and closed, indicating Karl had returned, everything was better, everything was brighter. Through the rose-tinted lenses of pleasure, the big scary monster of loneliness backed off, and Ada had the courage to face another evening with her son, another evening of trying to undo what some classmates and teachers did at school.
"Will I be seeing you again?" Ben asked, once Ada managed to smuggle him out of the house without alerting her offspring.
"You know where I live, you can get my telephone number. But call during school hours" she replied, careful enough not to say anything in a volume louder than a whisper. "He... he wouldn't take this very well" thankfully, he didn't say anything that resembled a questioning of what she meant by "this", which was much appreciated. She wasn't twelve, and she didn't have the time to try and be twelve.
"Sounds like a plan. I'll do that, mrs. Thorne" Ben smirked, prompting Ada to chuckle. Sure, let's all be very formal, shall we, especially after what happened in one of her guest bedrooms. "Thank you for your hospitality"
"No problem, the pleasure was mine" she stated, receiving a tip of the hat in return, and watching as Ben walked to his car, entered it and drove away.
Ben Younger, ever the gentkeman, did call: not the next day, but the day after that. This time, he didn't really try to get Ada alone, but invited her out for a nice dinner. He hadn't phrased it in that manner, but he did book a very nice place, near the Thames, with a sprawling balcony. There were candles, and the food was quite good, as well as the conversation. Once again, it was different to be in the presence of an adult, even if the topic of choice was Karl.
"Is he always badly behaved at school?" Ben asked, politely filling Ada's glass with wine before filling his own.
"He started out pretty well... but then he made friends with these kids who are not very nice, and started acting like them... now, he's their leader and behaves worse than all of them" Ada sighed, at wit's end with the whole thing. "He always says his dad was a leader, and he wants to be one too"
"Did he meet his father?"
"He was a baby when Freddie died, so they did meet, but not for long, unfortunately" she said, and the sadness in her eyes was evident. The situation with her son had to be taxing on a single mother, and Ben, who already had a soft spot for the strong-minded Ada Shelby, fell a little more for her. "I'm not... I'm not looking for sympathy, I just need to vent"
"Oh, that's just fine, vent all you need" Ben assured, his dark eyes focusing on Ada's light ones. "Is there anything I can do? Talk to him, make him see that what he's doing isn't alright?"
"That's nice of you to offer, but he's uh... well, lately he's been... I don't know how to say it, but... those friends of his have opinions about people who are not white. And Karl has been saying nasty, horrible things about people of colour"
"Ah, meaning he wouldn't want to listen to me, let alone be near me" he replied, taking a deep breath. "That's not promising, is it?"
"No, I can't say it is" Ada chuckled, dragging the both of them into hysterical laughter. "I know it's horrible, and I didn't raise him to have these beliefs. His father certainly didn't. I don't know what to do, honestly"
"He's young, he's still forming his morals and his personality, maybe once he's older all of this behaviour will go away" Ben hoped, shaking his head. Unfortunately, Brits had become increasingly racist over the last few years, and not even colonels of the Birtish Army were immune to it. "I'll tell you what: I'll try to talk to him, even though I'm not white. With your permission, of course"
Ada did give her permission, almost certain that it wouldn't work, but willing to try whatever she could to drag her son from the path he was running down. Karl didn't need to be a brilliant student, he didn't need to be the most handsome of all young men, or the best dressed of his friends; but he needed to be a decent human being, he needed to be kind, he needed to be better than his parents and his uncles. Karl had his issues, but he was her son, damn it! He was the spitting image of his dashing father, and Ada loved him more than she could try to put into words. Anything she could do to straighten him up and put him in the right track.
As expected, Karl did not care for Ben's visit that much. First off, the newcomer wasn't that good at chess. Then, the kid seemingly was not a fan of his mother being around a black man, who had every intention of being more than friends.
"I don't want you to be around him, mom"
"And why would you say that?" Ada asked her son over dinner, the evening after Ben's visit. "He's a nice man, who wants what's best for you"
"He's black" Karl replied, with an unfortunate level of venom in his voice. "And it's like I told him: I already have a dad, I don't need him to be my dad"
"That's not what Ben wants, Karl; he just wants to be your friend"
"You really believe that? You actually believe that, mom? I see the way he looks at you, the way he tries to be all friendly with me. He wants to be my friend so that you'll continue to speak to him, and bat your eyelashes at him!" the kid shouted, banging his fists on the dinner table and storming off, leading his mother to just sit there in shock, not knowing what to do, or even what to say.
Later that evening, once her son had time to cool off, Ada made her way to his bedroom, knocking on the door, and letting herself in when he didn't reply. The lights were on, and the offended party was on the floor, surrounded by magazines and newspapers, pretending to read about the strikes that were threatening the United Kingdom. That was Karl, Ada thought to herself, precocious, informed, and sadly using his intelligence to justify his own violent, hatred-filled actions. If there was a way, any way, to steer him into the right path, she would trade whatever to assure it.
"Karl, you can't go on like this. You can't say those things, and you can't hate on people because they're not white. You do understand that, I hope" Ada started, knowing it was better to reason with him, rather than start yelling and belittling him. If it was necessary, she would resort to raising her voice, but she didn't want to.
"I don't want that man around here"
"Well, this isn't your house, now is it? It's mine. And you don't get a say on who comes here, unless they're a danger to you. Is Ben a danger to you?"
"No. He's crap at chess, and wouldn't hurt a fly" Karl dismissed, not looking up from the article he was reading and trying to understand. "I don't like him, that's all"
"You didn't give him a bloody chance, Karl!" Ada protested, losing a bit of her patience. "You give no one a chance, and it's got to stop! I'm sick and tired of getting calls and notes from your school, saying that you're bullying other kids. You and that little gang of yours need to get it together, or I'll pull you out of that school, and send you to Eton"
"You wouldn't. You wouldn't send me away"
"Yes, I would. I would, Karl. I moved away from my whole family, don't you think for a second I would hesitate to send you away if that was what's best for you. And, right now, I think it is. You need discipline, and you need to be a little less comfortable" she countered, getting down to Karl's level and taking his chin, so that he could look her straight in the eyes. "You are nothing but a spoiled brat, who needs to be taught a lesson. You're my only son, and I would hate to hate you, but if this is how it's going to be, then so be it. I will not stand racism in this house, I will not stand having a fascist under my roof, and I will not put food on the table of a white supremacist. You hear me, boy?"
"I'm not..." Karl started, scared to see his beloved mother that angry. Ever since he could remember, it had been the two of them, just the two of them trying to make everything work. He loved his mother with all his heart, and hated to see her mad at him. Deep down, he knew he wasn't right to say those things, to do what he did to the kids at school. But then again, he found it better to attack than to be attacked, and Karl was simply a scared boy, terrified of being alone, or failing to succeed at life. At school, he had banded together with the kids no one made fun of, and did as they did to stay alive. It was wrong, but he couldn't see it that way, lacking the maturity to understand how disgusting his actions and opinions had become.
"You hear me?" Ada asked again, her voice as cold as ice. "Even a mother's love has limits, Karl; and I have reached mine. And that means making damn sure you straighten up and start to act right, or so help me God, I will send you to work at a factory, for you to see what it really is like to live without all these perks I've given you. In other words, you either start accepting everyone, regardless of skin colour, or I will make your cozy little life disappear, just like that. Is that understood?"
"I... Yes, I understand" the young boy nodded, on the brink of tears. "Mom, I didn't... I didn't mean to make you upset"
"But you did. You did, because I hate liars. And I especially hate to think I raised a liar. Or worse, someone so weak that let's themselves be influenced by the stupid opinions of small-minded people" Ada spat, getting up and taking a deep breath. "I'm disgusted with you, son. I never thought I'd say this, but I am. That hatred, that awfulness in your heart... I didn't teach you that, and I certainly never thought someone as intelligent as you would fall for that kind of discourse. But I was wrong, wasn't I?"
"No, no, I'm not weak, I promise" Karl wimpered, half expecting his mother to slap him, which she had never done, but he thought she perhaps should have. "I promise, mommy, please don't send me away from you"
"I want you to apologise to Ben for what you said, and I want you to apologise to each and every one of the kids at school you hurt or insulted. I will be there for both those things, to make sure it's done"
"Deal"
"And I will not be limited to who I can befriend by you. I am careful enough to not bring anyone I don't trust around you, and I would appreciate it if you trusted me, and were, at the very least, pleasant to my friends" Ada added, seeing her son get up, and assume a dignified posture, although he was full-on crying by then.
"Agreed"
"Go to sleep" she finally ordered, turning around and shutting the door behind her. Only when she got to the safety of her room, did she break down in copious tears, which were mirrored by her son, a few doors away.
In the following weeks, the promises were kept, but for Ada's peace of mind, Ben Younger only visited while Karl was at school. More often than not, they'd have tea, they'd discuss current matters, or books, or music, or even Karl himself, who was doing better at school. As time went by Ada started to realise she had deep esteem for Ben, for the way he talked, smiled, laughed, and for the crinkles on the corner of his eyes when he did so. He was too sweet, though, too kind, and too good; for anyone else, those were desirable features, but Ada didn't fall for desirable features. She wanted fire, she wanted to see him and feel butterflies in her stomach, she wanted to lust over him, she wanted to daydream about what he'd do to her next time they were alone. In short, she wanted what she had with Freddie Thorne. And that... that wasn't Ben Younger, that wasn't the kind of aura he had, it wasn't... it wasn't him.
That being said, they did spend whatever time was available after tea tangled in her sheets, and in each other. Ever the gentleman, the colonel couldn't possibly say no to a lady's wishes, and he made sure Ada's were thorougly addressed. Whenever she put down her teacup, he did the same, and allowed himself to be led to wherever she wanted to take him, and then allowed her to ask, do and say whatever it was she wanted him to do. He wasn't the kind of man to push her onto the bed and have his way with her, as much as she would have appreciated it. No, he was a gentleman, and gentlemen would much rather be used for sex than use someone for sex. Besides, there was the obvious truth between them: Ben was in love with Ada, and didn't have it in him to ask for anything from her, much prefering to do her bidding.
It somehow didn't become real until the day she found herself bent over the bathroom sink, throwing up like never before.
"Do we need to call a doctor?"
"No, no..."
"We need to do something, you're not feeling well" Ben had insisted, unfortunately there to witness the whole scene. "Please, let me call someone"
"I'm fine. I'm fine, Ben, don't worry about me. Go home, alright? Go to work, I'll call you if I need anything. Please, trust me" Ada responded, hoping and praying this didn't mean what she was almost sure it meant.
"You need to promise..."
"I promise. OK? I promise"
But of course, a couple of weeks later, there was no denying it: she was expecting, and there were no doubts about who the father of her unborn child was. However now, unlike before, she was sure this baby was anything but conceived out of overwhelming love, the product of two people who simply could not, and would not, be apart. Ben could be in love with her, but Ada herself... she knew she didn't love him like he loved her. Admitting it to Tommy was a little different. He liked Ben, they were even on good terms, and the disappointment on his face once she told him there was no such feeling inside her heart was almost too great to withstand. But it needed to be said, there couldn't be any illusions, there couldn't be that mistake between them.
"Are you going to tell him? Or are you going to scare him away, say something stupid and make him run for the hills?" Polly had asked, when informed of her niece's pregnancy.
"What should I do? I don't want to... to get rid of the baby, but..." Ada replied, trying to swallow down tears. "But I don't want to... I don't want to lead him on, I don't want to..."
"He's a good man. He would make a good husband, and a good father"
"I don't love him. I don't want to settle for... for... he's so... normal, Pol! So safe!"
"Just because your late husband and your brothers are all one step below outlaws, that does not mean a good, kind man, who makes you feel safe is not worthy of love" Polly stated, sighing loudly. It was mildly annoying to have a niece who would rather be pregnant with a communist's baby, than to be expecting a child with a colonel of the British Army, who earned good money, bathed, and could provide for her and her family.
"Should I tell him?"
"Of course you should tell him! Today, no more delaying the inevitable"
So Ada called Ben, told him to meet her at her house, and took several deep breaths before opening the door for him. Despite him being kind, she had no idea how he would react, let alone of how she would react to his reaction, which was a chain of thought she tried her best to dismiss. Over tea, she made several attempts to say the words, but they didn't come out, they simply got stuck in her throat.
"Are you feeling alright? Is it the nausea again?" Ben asked, aptly reading her stern expression. "Is it Karl?"
"No, no, it's... I'm alright, but..." Ada responded, her heart beating in her throat, and her lungs seemingly unable to accept the air she took in. Her skin was pale, and she was shaking, the teacup trembling precariously in her hand. Suddenly, she felt like she had felt on that train platform, thinking she would have to give up her baby, thinking she was on the brink of having to choose between her family, or her love... "Ben, I'm... we're... a baby" she stuttered, the contents of her stomach turning and turning, threatening to make her vomit. At the same time, her limbs went numb, and she hit the floor without even realising she had spilled her tea all over her dress.
To her, it seemed like she had just blinked, but in reality, she had been passed out for about ten minutes. A doctor was kneeling next to the couch, and Ben's worried face was hovering over hers. Without even thinking about it, she felt safer, calmer, just from seeing him there. Ada knew that that man would never, in a million years, let any harm come to her, and his presence meant everything would be alright. That should've been her first clue.
"Hey, how are you feeling?" Ben asked, smiling brightly once he saw her eyes opening. "The doctor says it was a panic attack"
"Ah, well, might've been... I feel a bit dizzy, but I'm fine" Ada responded, still weak but sounding a lot better than she had before passing out.
"You need to rest, and make sure you drink enough fluids" the doctor dryly said, before getting up and putting away his stethoscope. "Heart and lungs are fine, although I would suggest to get a consultation with an obstetritian to check on the child"
"Thank you, we'll do that" Ben said to the man, who promptly got up and left. "I've some tea here, but I can go get some water"
"No, it's fine" Ada dismissed, trying to sit up, but only managing to do so with Ben's help. "I'm sorry, I don't know what happened"
"Well, you seemed terrified to tell me you are expecting. Which is borderline insulting, given that I am over the moon" he confessed, the same sweet smile on his lips. "Why were so afraid to tell me? What did you think was going to happen?"
"I uh... with Karl it was... it was horrible, to be honest. I almost got an abortion, and I really... really didn't want to. With Freddie, everything was so complicated, and my brothers were so nasty to him... there was nothing right, and everything was wrong, even when he was born. And I couldn't help but think of what would happen this time. I'm still not married, I'm still not sure how you would react" Ada responded, taking a tissue and patting her eyes dry. "With Karl, everything was a godamn uphill battle. And I'm so scared it's going to happen again"
"It won't. Ada, it won't. I will personally make sure that nothing, and no one, disturbs you. I'm not going anywhere, I'm not forcing you to get rid of the baby, I'm not forcing you to do anything. I'm here to do whatever you want me to do" he said, taking her hands, and kissing each one. "This baby will grow up with nothing but love. I can guarantee you that. It doesn't matter to me if you don't feel for me what I feel for you, and it certainly doesn't matter to me if you don't want to marry me; but I can assure you that you, and the baby, and Karl will not want for anything"
That should've been her second clue.
"Are you sure you don't want me to get rid of it?"
"Absolutely sure. You want this child, and so do I" he assured, nodding enthusiastically. "And like I said: I'll make sure that nothing makes you feel scared, or unsure. I'm not going to leave, I'm not going to let anyone make you feel stressed. We're in this together, eh?"
"You really are happy, aren't you?" she asked in return, looking the man in the eyes and seeing the pure joy the news had brought him. "So am I " Ada added, discovering that it was a blessing beyond words to have Ben Younger, colonel of the British Army, as the father of her baby. Suddenly, his kindness and warmth didn't make him boring and bland: they made him strong, dependable, a safe haven in the middle of all the madness. That was clue number three.
"That's amazing to hear. This is how it should be, love. This is how it should be: you should be happy, instead of worried, and you should have someone by your side, to take your hand and celebrate with yo, to keep the worries away. I promise you that nothing, and I mean nothing, will happen to you, to this baby, or to Karl. You have my word" Ben said, meaning every single word.
And just like that, there was no need for clue number four: Ada knew she loved that man, exactly because he was so unlike all the other men she had loved in her life.