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Hansol first starts thinking that something might be wrong when his arms stop working.
They're still here. He knows that they're still there, but the feeling has all gone. He tries squeezing his hands into fists but his fingers won't work. They just tingle.
This isn't good.
His chest stutters a little, a panicked gasp sneaking out between his lips. Maybe it's spreading. If his lungs go numb, how is he going to breathe? What if his lungs go numb? What if it spreads up his arms and into his chest and stops his heart? What then?
He tries his best to take a deep breath, tries to convince himself that nothing's wrong. But it's too hard. It's too hard.
It feels like there's a sack of rocks lodged in the base of his throat, refusing to let anything past.
Hansol realises that something is really wrong when he starts getting light-headed, his vision swimming with lack of oxygen. He knows that there's someone is sat next to him- he can feel the warmth of their arm against his side, it might be Seungkwan, or Jeonghan, or Mingyu, or-
He needs to grab them. He needs to move his arm and grab them and tell them that he can't breathe, that his heart's stopped, that he's going to die- but his hands still aren't working. They just won't work.
*
It's kind of a terrifying moment when you realise that your boyfriend isn't breathing. It's not really something that you listen out for, the whistle of breath between someone's lips, but it's really fucking obvious when it stops.
All of the members, bar those in the showers, are gathered in the living room. They've been here since they got home from practice, not quite ready to be alone just yet. They're never really alone, but it's always nice to spend time as a group when they're not working. It's nice to remember that they're still actually friends behind it all.
Seungkwan had pulled Hansol down onto the sofa, tucking him into the corner so that he had something to lean against. Hansol's shoulder is the perfect perch for his head, Seungkwan's thigh the perfect perch for his hand. Hansol hadn't complained, and so Seungkwan had fallen into conversation with Soonyoung and Jihoon and wasn't worried.
Hansol's been having a bit of a tough day- Seungkwan can always tell. It had taken a while for him to wake up and work up the energy to get out of bed, and he'd needed a long hug in encouragement to leave the house.
He's just been a little bit out of it, really- especially since their lunch break. Seungkwan has been watching for the signs of an oncoming panic attack since then, but he might just need a good night's sleep to get back on his feet.
It's hard to gauge with Hansol because he's usually so forthcoming with his feelings. Sometimes Seungkwan gets an inkling that he's hiding something, that's he putting on a brave face to hide how shit he's feeling inside, but he always feels bad to assume anything when Hansol works so hard to ask for help when he feels like he needs it.
Maybe sometimes he just doesn't think that he needs it.
Seungkwan also knows that it can be a very bad idea to push. More so with Junhui and Chan, pushing them to talk about their feelings when they don't want to can lead to a lot more stress and upset than is necessary. Seungkwan doesn't want to upset Hansol, no matter whether he's worried- he never wants to be the cause of Hansol's negative emotions, not if he can help it.
Seungkwan decides to give up keeping neutral when he feels the tension of Hansol's body next to his and realises that he hasn't taken a proper breath in what feels like ten minutes.
"Sollie?" Seungkwan says suddenly, sitting up and turning to face the younger boy. He doesn't care that he just talked right over Seungcheol, who was in the middle of some story. He doesn't care.
Hansol doesn't move. He keeps his eyes fixed on some faraway spot, his teeth clenched around his lower lip, his hands trembling with the strength of the grip on his own shorts.
*
Hansol can only just tell that something is happening around him, that Seungkwan has moved and some of the other members are getting closer. He should snap out of this, tell them that he's alright, stop being so dramatic. But he can't. He can't even get his lungs to work, how is he going to convince them that he's okay.
Someone takes his hand and it feels awful but at least it shocks is lungs into taking a jolting breath. There's a moment of clarity when his head stops spinning, but all he can hear is noise and voices and it sends him straight back into his spiral. Without even realising that he can feel his arms again, he pulls his hand free and drops his head into his palms, leaning forward to try and fold himself in half.
You're supposed to put your head between your knees when you're feeling dizzy, right? That's supposed to help?
It doesn't.
He feels like he's going to keel over. It feels like his brain is going to roll right out of his skull and onto the dusty floor and there's nothing that he can do to keep it inside. The thought makes him shiver. He lifts his head again, trying to clear his mind of the image, but it only makes him feel sick.
More hands are trying to hold him down but he shakes them off. They feel too big. Every touch burns his- already overheated- skin. His chest heaves painfully with each stilted gasp but it still isn't enough.
He only notices now that his eyes have slipped shut. He tries opening them but everything is so blurry and far away that he shuts them again almost immediately. It's scary and his head hurts.
His panic attacks have never felt this bad before. This doesn't even feel like a panic attack, it's like three levels and an attic more intense. It feels like it's never going to end. It feels like he's never going to be okay again. It feels like his body is shutting down with him trapped inside of it and there's nothing that he can do to save himself.
*
Seungkwan crouches down in front of Hansol and peers up at him, keeping a reassuring smile fixed on his lips. "You doing okay, baby?" He asks, his voice light and cheery in a way that usually soothes Hansol's nerves. Hansol doesn't respond to it in the slightest.
Careful to watch for any signs of distress on Hansol's face, Seungkwan rests his palms on the younger boy's thighs. He's fine with it for a minute but then he's suddenly pushing Seungkwan away, gasping in a panicked breath and curling his hands towards his chest.
"Okay, okay. I'm sorry, Sol. It's alright." Seungkwan soothes, but it doesn't seem like Hansol is listening to him.
It's unusual because Hansol usually gets hyper-focused on things during panic attacks, usually to the detriment of his sanity. Seungkwan is always careful to keep his voice soft because he knows that Hansol hears every little noise when he's this worked up. Right now, though, it's like he's not hearing anything.
Seungkwan is content to let Hansol ride this out by himself if that's what he needs. Sometimes intervention just makes him feel worse, so Seungkwan is happy to sit this one out. But then he starts pinching at the skin around his wrist and that is never okay. Seungkwan won't let that happen.
The only place Hansol usually likes being touched during his panic attacks is his shoulders, so that's what Seungkwan goes for next, trying to pull him out of the pit of self-destruction. Seungkwan's heart plummets when Hansol pulls away again, screwing his face up with a painful whimper that sends tears into Seungkwan's eyes.
Truth be told, Seungkwan is not the most confident in helping Hansol through his panic attacks. He's never felt this, he doesn't really understand what he can do to make everything better, he doesn't even really know if he can do anything. But he's been working so hard, talking to Hansol and Junhui and Chan, researching anxiety disorders, doing his best to be as helpful as possible.
But it's not working this time. Something's different, something's changed, and Seungkwan doesn't know what to do.
This is the point at which Seungkwan really begins to worry. Hansol won't respond to anything that he's saying, his lips are turning blue from lack of oxygen, and his hands are shaking so hard it almost looks as though he's having a seizure. Seungkwan is at a loss, so he turns to Jun.
Junhui looks positively terrified. His eyes are blown wide, his mouth agape, his hands gripping at Wonwoo's jumper with unbridled fear. Seungkwan feels awful shifting the pressure onto him but he has no choice. Something's really wrong with Hansol and he doesn't know how to help. Jun might.
"Junhui, please." Seungkwan whimpers. Jun takes a deep breath in and kneels down, ignoring the tears rolling down his cheeks. He starts talking to Hansol in that soothing voice of his, leaning in close and murmuring gentle words against his cheek. Hansol tenses up at first, squirming and trying to get away, but Jun doesn't falter.
"Sollie, you're okay. We're in the dorms, in the living room. You're a bit worked up, but you've got nothing to worry about. You're safe, okay? Everyone's safe. We're in the living room, we're all with you. There's no reason to be scared, we're here for you. You don't need to worry."
Hansol won't stop struggling, pushing back against Junhui's hands and curling away from him. Junhui tries asking what's wrong, what he can do to help, but Hansol won't talk to him. He's just crying and gasping and pushing him away.
Jun forces himself to focus, trying to spot the ticks in Hansol's behaviour that might give away what he's feeling. The main thing is that Hansol won't open his eyes, like he's scared of what he might see- or not see. He's also batting away Jun's hands, but he's striking out aimlessly into thin air, like he's dizzy or disorientated. The lack of communication is bothering Jun as well- Hansol's always talkative, no matter whether he's panicking or not.
The longer he goes without calming down, the more desperate Junhui becomes. In a sudden rush of adrenaline, he wraps his hands around Hansol's shoulders and gets him down onto his back- trying to be gentle, even as Hansol hits at him clumsily.
Undeterred, Junhui tugs at his wrists, getting Hansol's hands onto his chest and his stomach. They rise and fall with each of his stilted breaths. He tries to wrap his fingers up in the fabric of his jumper but Jun just uncurls them again, pressing his palms down flat against his own body.
"You feel that? You feel how real that is?" Jun says, hoping that Hansol can feel the thrum of life beneath his skin.
Hansol freezes, like he's actually- finally- listening to Jun's words. "Feel that, Hansol. Focus on that." Jun continues, now that he's found something useful to say. "It's real, baby, you're okay."
It's like the fight has been drained out of him. Hansol stops struggling, his limbs going weak and limp, all of his energy dwindled. It's like he's finally- finally- realised that there is nothing to be afraid of.
Jun rests his chin on the sofa cushion, watching Hansol through bleary, exhausted eyes as he runs a hand through the younger's knotty hair. His own breathing is a little bit laboured, but nobody dares to interrupt him, no matter how much they are itching to. They just let him watch Hansol breathe.
*
He feels heavy when he comes down.
His skin is tingling and his chest hurts. There's a hand in his hair, and he's surprised that he can feel it. He can't feel much else.
Hansol startles at the sound of Junhui's voice, ringing out loud and clear now that the noise in his head has dulled to a low thrum. Hansol jumps and blinks his eyes open, staring up at Jun's gently smiling face. "Are you okay, Sollie?" Jun repeats himself, and Hansol nods. Jun doesn't look like he believes him.
A shiver runs down Hansol's spine, his whole body shaking with the force of it. It makes him jump, hands clasping at Junhui's shoulders and holding on tight. Jun doesn't flinch, simply draws him into a hug and rocks him gently from side to side. "Talk to me, Sol-ah." He murmurs against the shell of Hansol's ear.
Hansol lets out a tiny, frustrated noise. His heads all messed up, and he doesn't know how to fix it. It's like his brain has just gotten back from a trip to a messy bedroom and now it feels like the whole world is falling apart.
"I need to go outside," Hansol replies, eventually, his voice rough in his throat and thick with tears. Jun coos at him, humming softly and making his sensitive skin tingle. "I need to see something real, like a tree- or something."
He knows that he sounds ridiculous, but Junhui doesn't laugh. Jun always takes him seriously.
"Okay. We can go sit outside for a bit. Channie?" It's like he knows everything that's going on at any single moment, despite only looking in one direction. When Hansol lifts his eyes to search for their maknae, he finds the younger boy tensed up in fear. How did Junhui know that he was struggling as well when he was clearly so focused on Hansol?
The Wen Junhui sixth sense is kind of terrifying.
Chan nods hastily, falling onto his knees beside his hyung and pressing his face into the crease of Hansol's neck, breathing deeply. He's so cute, even when he's near tears. Hansol tries to distract himself from the searing burn of guilt pooling in his gut by pressing a lazy kiss to Chan's hairline.
Hopefully that helps.
*
They settle on a bench across the street from their dorms, skin glowing golden under the street-light. They've got Hansol pressed between them because he'd refused to put a coat on. "No- no, I need to feel it. Please."
"How are you feeling?" Chan whispers into the darkness, tangling his fingers around Hansol's and holding on tight. Hansol sighs, slumping down so that he can rest his head on Chan's shoulder, messy hair tickling his chin.
Hansol is silent, and Junhui is kind of scared that he's gone back to his not speaking again, but it's only for a moment.
"I took my meds earlier." Is how Hansol replies, lowering his eyes. "I know- I know I shouldn't have but I just couldn't-"
The thing with Hansol's meds is that they kind of mess him up. It's all about the short-term gain- they usually mellow his anxiety enough that he can pull through an interview or a concert or something that he needs to be calm and present for. In the long-term, though, he crashes. And he crashes hard.
It's usually in the form of a migraine that keeps him bedridden for days, or an inexplicable sadness that he can't seem to shake, or sometimes a panic attack that feels infinitely worse than usual. For entirely this reason, he's not allowed to take his meds without telling someone first.
"Okay," Jun replies, tilting his head to the side to peer up at Hansol's face. He's chewing on his lower lip, so Junhui runs a thumb along the curve of his chin to distract him. "That's okay. I'm not mad at you. I'm just glad that you're alright."
They sit there for a long moment, breathing in the cold night-time air, clearing their heads completely- they should do this more often. Chan begins to shiver at some point, so Hansol silently wraps an arm around his shoulders.
When Hansol speaks up again, his voice is quiet and broken. "I'm really scared."
Junhui makes a soft, sad noise in the back of his throat, pressing his forehead against Hansol's temple and kissing the soft skin of his cheek. "Why, baby?"
"I just-" He cuts himself off with a sniffle, lifting a hand to rub at the red tip of his nose. "I just hated that feeling- it was like- I don't know, like nothing was real. Like I had no control over anything, I couldn't even move my hands I just-" Junhui kisses him again and he calms down, frantic words coming to a halt.
"That sounds really scary, Sol, I'm not surprised that you're upset. It's okay. Just know that we're here for you, yeah? We're always here for you, and we'll help you through anything as best we can." Hansol nods. "But you've got to be honest with us too, okay? And I know that you know that, and today was probably just a bad one, but we're never going to judge you for anything. We only want to support you, okay? We love you so much."