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“It’s rare for you to ask me to hang out when you’re in the middle of comeback preparations.”
“I’m actually here for some advice. I wanted to ask you something,” Sungjin admitted, his eyebrow twitching once he saw the wide grin that enveloped Junghwan’s face, like he had been waiting for this moment his entire life. “Shut up.”
Junghwan raised up both his hands, trying to wipe off the smile on his face but not quite succeeding. “Woah, okay, okay. What do you need to know?”
“How… how did you and your boyfriend get together?”
Sungjin squirmed a little as Junghwan just sat still with his mouth wide open and his eyes blinking slowly. Was it that uncharacteristic for Sungjin to ask about his best friend’s love life? He considered saying something along the lines of “it’s not for me personally, it’s for this song I’m writing,” but who was he going to fool? Junghwan has known him for more than a decade now and he was weirdly intuitive with some things.
“You have never asked about my relationship before. Never. Not once.”
“Well, I’m asking now,” Sungjin huffed. He wondered if Junghwan knew that he was always deliberately avoiding that topic; he had tried not to be so obvious before, but again—Junghwan and his weirdly heightened intuition.
“You are really prickly today, you know that?” his friend said with a cackle, throwing a soft punch on Sungjin’s arm across the table. “It didn’t take too long before Chansik and I got together, I’ve told you that at least. He asked me out even just after we debuted, and I told him I wasn’t sure if I liked him that way.”
“What happened then?”
“He said it was okay, that we could just try and maybe I would become sure of my feelings. I don't know what i was thinking back then, but I said yes.”
What a move , Sungjin thought. He understood Junghwan’s impulsiveness especially when caught off guard, but Chansik had some real guts for laying his heart on the line like that, when there was no assurance that Junghwan would reciprocate his feelings after they give their relationship a try—their relationship was founded on something unstable and uncertain.
That sounded terrifying and irrational. Could Sungjin do the same thing if he was met with that kind of response? Could he propose the same thing? No matter how much he liked the other person?
“And you’re still together even after seven years.”
“Hmm,” Junghwan hummed in agreement, a fond smile lifting up his round cheeks. He leaned his head against his hand, looking somewhere beyond Sungjin. Reminiscing. “I realized how in love I was with him when he had problems with his kidney and he had to get operated after promotions. When I was so mad that he hid the pain from us—from me—and when I kept looking for him beside me even though I knew he was in the hospital… that’s when I really knew.”
Images of Jae crying in their fanmeeting as he couldn’t perform with them drifted beneath his eyes, as Junghwan’s story unearthed a memory he doesn’t visit often. Sungjin didn’t know how much he could miss a sight until he couldn’t see him from the corner of his eyes, bent low playing his guitar and hopping around the stage.
“How exactly did he confess?” Sungjin had to know how to ask a close friend out, and if there was anything to consider if the person you like was in the same group. After meeting with Junghwan, he was already planning to talk to their band’s resident lovebirds to get their input as well, even though Sungjin would probably suffer during that conversation in more ways than one. He wasn’t sure yet if he would confess—the thought sends him already gasping for air—but he wanted to know what other people had experienced. Maybe he had other options—options that wouldn’t get him hurt or affect the band.
Junghwan took a sip of his coffee. “He just did it over breakfast when all the other members were away.”
“Just like that? Nothing special at all?”
“Nope. Pretty sure we were wearing shirts with holes in them at that time and I think we might have been eating pizza right after we woke up,” Junghwan said with a snort. “Hold on, why are you asking, anyway?”
If he couldn’t open up to his bandmates, he could at least say something to one of his oldest friends. Sungjin cleared his throat, trying to get the words out as casually as he could, “I like someone. Probably.”
"Oh my god."
"What are you so surprised about? I've dated before."
"But this is the first time you talked to me about it and even asked for advice!" Junghwan exclaimed, starting to bounce on his seat like he tended to do when he was excited about trying a new dish at a restaurant. "Park Sungjin, you've grown up!"
Sungjin shook his head at his friend. At least someone was elated, since he was far from it. Scared and anxious were the more accurate adjectives he would use to describe himself at the moment. The feelings that were swirling around inside his chest weren’t new and the person in front of him was proof of that—but feelings for a bandmate? That couldn't possibly end well for him; and if he hadn’t learned about Younghyun and Wonpil’s relationship, he would have thought that Junghwan’s fortunate experience was only an anomaly.
"Who's this unfortunate person to have caught the affections of one rigid Busan man?"
"Not telling." Junghwan let out a long whine and Sungjin had to block his hearing in order not to get swayed. "Just actual advice would be nice, Junghwan."
His friend rested his chin on two fingers, deep in thought. “Well, I guess make your feelings known? Flirt with them? I don’t know how to do it but Channie did; he was always hanging off my shoulder ever since we met. The members were aware of it before I was, but eventually I knew he wasn’t just doing it out of friendliness; that prepared me for when he asked me out. A little.”
How would Sungjin flirt with Jae? He wasn’t like Younghyun, who only needed to call his boyfriend Wonpil-ssi in a deep, teasing tone and the rest of the band already knew they had to vacate the room soon before they end up seeing something difficult to scrub from their memories. Everything that Sungjin had done so far was unconscious and conspicuous—he’s pretty sure Jae hasn’t sensed yet that he felt that way towards him, which was a relief, and Sungjin wanted to keep it that way.
"And then… I don’t know who they are so the situation can be different, but I think you should just go for it. Take them out to dinner—do they love eating? Or would they prefer a different activity? Anyway, just set the mood and ask them out. Rip it off like a bandaid and hope for the best."
Sungjin nodded, turning his coffee mug round and round in its place. It was a rational course of action if you liked someone—and yet the most difficult. “And when I get rejected?”
"Hold on—the husband is calling," Junghwan said as he pressed his phone to his left ear, his eyes closing shut, as if all he wanted to focus on was Chansik's voice. His friends who were in relationships had become such saps—his two bandmates included. "I'm dropping by at the office later before going to the radio station. Right now? I'm having coffee with Sungjin. I know, I know. Mm, see you tonight."
There was something mesmerizing about watching Junghwan talk on the phone with his boyfriend; Junghwan used to be like the typical tough Busan stereotype like Sungjin was, but he had grown softer and softer through the years, his accent fading and his hands getting used to being held. Seeing how much he had changed felt like he was looking at him from meters and meters away and Sungjin waited for that pinch around his chest—the one thing that had been constant since he was sixteen.
It never came.
Junghwan put his phone back in the pocket of his hoodie, his soft smile shifting into a grin aimed at Sungjin. “ If you get rejected, call me up and then we’ll go for drinks.”
Being in high school and starting to have feelings for your best friend, who was kind, hardworking, and whose smile made the sky clear but who was not a girl, started the string of regrets that would follow Sungjin until some time. He was confused back then, because how could he not be? All that he knew about love had a man and a woman involved; and anything that fell outside of those boundaries weren’t familiar to him yet.
He thought he had all the time in the world to figure out what his feelings really meant.
Until Sungjin passed the JYP auditions while Junghwan didn’t, shattering their expectations that they would stick together even when they became trainees. Until Junghwan debuted first and he started replying to his messages days after he sent it (which Sungjin understood—didn’t mean it hurt any less). Until all the pictures Junghwan sent him of himself always had Chansik in them too, and until Junghwan told him one day that he was dating someone.
He should have done something—anything.
It was painful to watch the one he liked leave him behind, taking strides closer to their shared dream while his hands are entwined with someone else’s. It hurt even more when he had to pretend everything was normal, because there was no way he was going to let Junghwan know about any of it.
But like everything else in the world, his feelings gave in to time, worn thin by distance not limited to the physical, various preoccupations, the endurance of Junghwan and Chansik’s relationship, and a certain guy who now occupied a box in Sungjin’s heart that had an additional label the rest of the members didn’t have.
Three solid knocks on his door had Sungjin opening his eyes, drawing him out of his thoughts.
“Hey,” Jae called out softly as he peeked into Sungjin’s room. “You good? You looked pretty tired when you got back.” He lingered around the doorway, hesitant to come in even though Sungjin was fine with his members entering his room as long as they don’t lie down on his bed without taking a shower or eat near it. “Is it band stuff?”
Sungjin sat up cross-legged, ran a hand through his hair to fix it, and proceeded to smooth down his shirt. “I’m fine.”
Jae blinked and nodded and blinked some more. A smile crept up on Sungjin’s face and it was in these times that he truly doubted if Jae was older than him. Jae held out the tumbler in his hand. “Want some water?”
“No, it’s okay.”
It could be because Jae was still leaning against the door jamb and looking at him with scrunched brows, it could be because Jae was one of the first people he confided to even before he caught feelings for him, or it could be that Sungjin’s impulses were hard to control lately, but he opened his mouth before Jae could decide to leave.
“I was just thinking about someone,” he said, revealing something but not everything. It would be weird to talk to his crush about his past feelings for his best friend that amounted to absolutely nothing. “Regrets and whatnot.”
“Oh.”
He couldn’t help but snicker at Jae’s somber tone, as if Sungjin told him that someone just died. “What oh? ”
“Nothing. That’s nothing. Do you want to talk about it?”
"Not really."
Sungjin liked talking to Jae—he liked that Jae could only listen if he needed an outlet and he could also challenge him if he saw the need for it; for someone who liked debating, he never turned everything into one when he was with Sungjin. Sometimes, it would take Jae days until he couldn’t keep his thoughts inside his mind anymore, approaching Sungjin with a “Hey, I’ve been thinking about what you said the other day,” when he had almost forgotten about the conversation they had in the first place.
If someone were to ask Sungjin how he started having feelings for Jae, he would tell them to kindly fuck off. But in his mind, he would think about how Jae speaks with a hint of a pout, how he was completely different depending on which language he used, and how his voice always sent phantom strokes up Sungjin’s spine. (He knew the how—the when and the why, though, were some things that he couldn't exactly articulate at the moment.)
He wanted to hear what Jae had to say about this part of Sungjin’s past, but this was one thing that he was going to keep a secret until maybe he had gotten over his feelings for him too.
“I’ll leave you alone, then. There’s some kimchi jjigae in the fridge, if you’re hungry,” Jae said, and Sungjin sent him a small smile—a consolation, an apology, and a promise.
“Dowoon,” Sungjin started. “I wanted to ask for your thoughts on something.”
“What is it, hyung?” Dowoon asked as he stopped the camera on his phone, just having finished with recording a video of his drum practice. Sungjin had seen him as he passed by their practice room and decided to bother him for a bit; their youngest wasn’t currently dating anyone, but maybe he had some useful advice stored deep in his mind. And Sungjin wasn’t exactly always thinking of what he was feeling—but there was a constant ticking around the back of his neck and he doesn't think it will go away until he does something . Dowoon was there and free to talk, so why not?
“I’m currently writing a song, and I wanted to know what you think about asking someone out when you know they'll probably reject you.” Half of the sentence was a lie and the other half of it was barely scratching the surface of what Sungjin really wanted to ask about, but it should be enough to get some input about his dilemma.
Dowoon tilted his head slightly, tapping on the snare drum as he processed the scenario. “Isn’t it like in our music video? You confessed to the girl even though you knew she didn’t like you back, because you didn’t want to regret it.”
“But what if they’re someone really close to you? And if you confess, things might never be the same again. You’d regret it, too; wouldn’t you want to just keep it to yourself?”
“Uhh… I guess it depends on which regret is easier for you?” Dowoon replied. Sungjin knows this, and in a ramble that got away from him, he ended up saying something along the lines to Jae when they were eating chicken nuggets on the night he found out about Younghyun and Wonpil. Would he rather regret not confessing rather than regret ruining something between them? With Junghwan, he regretted not saying anything when he could have, but Jae was his bandmate—he was someone he wanted to sing with and perform with for as long as he breathed. Could he just let his feelings get in the way of that future?
Their youngest continued, “But, hyung, what if they actually like you back? Isn’t it worth a try?”
Dowoon had a point, but it was unimaginable for Sungjin, honestly. There was no way that Jae liked him too. The way he treated the members, Sungjin included, was pretty much the same; he just tended to tease Wonpil more because he makes it way too easy. The only special treatment that he could think of was that Jae was the only one among the group that could call him Sungjinnie without receiving a glare afterwards (and it makes his brain short circuit every time he hears it, but he wasn't ever going to make that obvious).
Unlike Younghyun and Wonpil, who treated each other a bit differently than they did the rest of the members, with Younghyun's questionable fondness for anything and everything that Wonpil does, and Wonpil's inability to annoy Younghyun like he does with all of them—Sungjin and Jae were just… Sungjin and Jae. Two bandmates, two friends in a group who thankfully got along well.
Right. Jae didn't return his feelings, Sungjin's sure of it.
“Didn’t know you guys were both here,” a voice interrupted before Sungjin could say something to Dowoon.
It was Jae, engulfed by a striped sweater two sizes bigger than him, wearing a pair of specs that they bought together in Hongdae last year, and his guitar case strapped around his shoulders; and Sungjin thought about how his members always told him that eyes were so sparkly and he never got exactly what they meant—but whenever he looks at Jae, he could imagine his own eyes lighting up, reflecting how Jae shined even when he was just standing there, existing.
“I’m waiting for Dowoon to finish up so we can go out for dinner,” Sungjin said, ignoring the widening of Dowoon’s eyes. Sungjin looked at their youngest—a slight threat to go with what he said or just keep quiet.
"Perfect, I was just about to eat too. Can I join?"
"No."
Jae stared at Sungjin and Dowoon flinched, glancing back and forth between the older members as if he was afraid that a fight was going to break out because of how their leader responded. Sungjin didn’t mean to sound so harsh and he wished he wasn't feeling so bitter right now, but he wanted a bit of distance. He wanted just one night of not thinking about how Jae acts around him and Dowoon similarly as they all sat there eating together.
“Sorry.” Sungjin tried to cover up his mistake with a laugh. "I mean, you and Dowoon go, I just remembered something I still have to do here."
“Alright,” Jae mumbled, unable to meet Sungjin’s eyes but having a smile on his face anyway. He moved to stand beside Dowoon and his drum set as Sungjin walked to the door. “See you back in the dorm.”
There was a futon laid out in their living room when Sungjin got back at the dorm after his solo radio schedule; their center table and their couch were both pushed to the side to make space for the futon, and on it laid Jae, wrapped up in a comforter held under his chin. The air-conditioning in Jae's room broke that morning and he's been camped out in the living room for the entire day; it hasn't been fixed yet, apparently.
“Sungjin,” their eldest mumbled when he took a few steps towards his direction. “Why do you look so sad lately?”
He froze. “Do I?”
“I wish I could help,” Jae said, followed by unintelligible babbling that made Sungjin check up on their eldest because he sounded like he was having a hard time speaking.
Jae had his eyes closed—he was sleep-talking.
It was one of Jae's habits that he found as endearing as the first time he discovered it; it was mostly funny, but cute as well, since Jae always had a clueless look on his face when they tell him the next day about what he had said.
Sungjin avoided stepping near Jae's body and laid down on the couch above him, forgoing the throw pillow and laying his head on his outstretched arm instead so he could still see Jae from his angle. He had tried to avoid staring at him too much or too long because he had gotten caught a few times, but just this once, he would stop himself from looking away.
He let himself think back about what the elder mumbled in his sleep; Sungjin didn't know that his worries were obvious in his face, having thought that he was good at keeping it in the back of his mind whenever he had to interact with his members daily, and he didn't expect Jae to be concerned about it. If it didn't slip out while he was sleep-talking, would he have talked to Sungjin about it?
If he did, Sungjin couldn't have told him anything close to the truth.
A wave of guilt washed over him—he felt guilty for worrying Jae, and felt even worse because he can't really do anything to reassure him.
Turning around to face the back of the couch, Sungjin tore his gaze from Jae anyway, despite his previous resolution. He closed his eyes and let Jae's quiet breathing pull him into sleep.
“—man, that’s a bit creepy—”
“—is he dreaming about—”
Sungjin opened his eyes, blinking away any sleep that remained in his system and the first thing he saw was Jae, leaning over him as he held up his phone and giggled.
That sound. Sungjin really liked it.
He smiled at him, accidentally too dopey, before he realized that their three other bandmates were also hovering above him. Sungjin rapidly sat up on the couch, making it a point to almost headbutt Wonpil and Dowoon.
"H–hyung," Wonpil managed to say in between wheezes. "You should have seen yourself. You were p–petting your own head!"
He was?
Younghyun grinned at him. "You're becoming like Jae-hyung. What did you dream about?"
“I have no idea,” Sungjin replied, and it was the truth.
“I’ll send the video to the group chat,” Jae said with a cackle as Dowoon whipped out his phone, preparing to download it before Sungjin could convince their eldest to delete it.
It was only after he shook off the embarrassment of getting caught that he unfortunately remembered quite vividly what he dreamt of—he dreamt of him and Jae in their late 30s and their dog that was sometimes a cat or a hedgehog, living in a three-bedroom apartment in Seoul (with two of the rooms being their individual studios) while still being a part of the band and holding concerts occasionally. Their normal day consisted of them working on music with the members and then going home together; Sungjin could still clearly see how Jae looked at him in the dream as they settled into bed facing each other—like he had been waiting for that moment the entire day.
When he made eye contact with the real Jae across their dining table, Sungjin choked on a mouthful of jjajangmyeon, feeling like he had sinned against him.
Sungjin knew now that he should have knocked ten more times. He should have knocked until there was a dent on Wonpil’s door.
When he opened the door (which was unlocked, why was it unlocked?) to Wonpil's room, his eyes saw a scene that the dim lighting didn't help conceal. Right there on the bed was Younghyun on top of a shirtless Wonpil with only a choker on his neck, straddling his waist as he pointed a camera at his boyfriend.
The shutter clicked loudly, Wonpil shrieked as he made eye contact with Sungjin, and Younghyun swiftly covered his boyfriend's exposed body with his own, shielding him from Sungjin's wide but nevertheless uninterested gaze.
"Out," Younghyun said with a low growl, and for the first time in his life, Sungjin was genuinely afraid of the younger member. A part of him was offended too, but the fear was stronger and got him stumbling backwards with his eyes shut.
“I need to talk to you both when you're done,” Sungjin shouted as he closed the door and locked it behind him, shooing a curious Dowoon who heard Wonpil's voice back into the living room.
They ended up going to a convenience store down the street to talk after the two were done with their activities (which was around four goddamn hours—Sungjin had already cleaned his room and reorganized his entire wardrobe), with Wonpil insisting he wanted ice cream and Younghyun, of course, indulging his boyfriend’s wishes. Sungjin was just glad that they weren’t going to talk anywhere near Younghyun’s room so that he doesn’t recall anything after opening that door; though he did remember that he and Dowoon planned to stay in the practice room until the evening, but they ended up going back after lunch—so it's a bit of his fault that he saw that, actually.
Sungjin sat down on a plastic chair outside and watched as the couple shuffled beside each other, constantly giggling as they hid their entwined hands in Younghyun's coat pocket while choosing what to buy. He could very much notice how Wonpil was slightly limping and he also did not miss how the left corner of Younghyun's mouth tilted upwards whenever his boyfriend held onto him for support.
Nasty , Jae called them once in English. Sungjin looked up the word before and had to agree time and time again.
When Jae first told him about how he suspected that the two were dating, he really couldn't wrap his head around it; he had been with both Younghyun and Wonpil for a long time while they were trainees, and they never seemed close. They were always together, but it wasn’t like they were frequently alone or that they seeked each other out. But then they revealed before that they’ve liked each other since that time and Sungjin almost wanted to comb through all of his memories to see what he had missed.
Younghyun and Wonpil took their seats in front of him, looking at Sungjin like they just remembered that he was with them, too. “Why did you want to talk to us, hyung?”
“I wanted to ask you some things about your relationship, if that’s okay.” Younghyun straightened up with the beginnings of a frown on his face while Wonpil stilled as the ice cream bar was halfway through his mouth. Sungjin continued, “It’s not for anything serious; you guys aren’t in trouble. I’m just curious.”
Younghyun relaxed, leaning again into Wonpil’s side and brushing their shoulders together. “A bit out of the blue, but I’m okay with it.”
“Me too. We've talked about it as a group before, but what are you curious about, Sungjin-hyung?” Wonpil asked.
"What made you confess first to Younghyun? Weren't you scared?"
Wonpil glanced at his boyfriend with his mouth slightly open, caught off guard by Sungjin's direct questions. "I… I think it's because I was sleep deprived and Younghyun-hyung looked really handsome that day."
Younghyun wrapped an arm around Wonpil’s waist, a teasing smile lifting up his cheeks. "So it was just a lack of better judgement and my good looks that made you confess?"
"We came back from the studio at midnight so we were both just so tired. While we were brushing our teeth together, Younghyunnie-hyung was teasing me about how I was his favorite member in our team and then I just blurted out that I really liked him, more than just a bandmate." Wonpil nudged Younghyun lightly to get the other to stop laughing so he could speak. "And you know what he told me? He said, 'Are you sure?'"
"And then I kissed him after he nodded," Younghyun said with his chest slightly puffed out. Sungjin figured he wanted to share more details about that specific scene, but he warned him with a glare before he could continue. He had seen and heard enough.
Wonpil grimaced, placing the stick left from his ice cream bar back into the packaging. " And then you avoided what happened between us until you finally asked me out after you graduated."
“But what about the risks?” Sungjin asked. For someone like Wonpil and Younghyun, who liked rolling their thoughts inside their head before doing anything—their story of getting together was a little against their personalities. But then again, he knew how feelings are hard to control; he just didn't know how to get rid of the fear that came with everything that would follow. “You guys are in the same band. What if you break up?”
“I thought about that, hyung. I mulled it over and over before I asked Wonpil out. And I decided that I would rather prepare to deal with the consequences than let the love of my life slip away. How lucky was I to have found Wonpil and to be loved back? I tried to be rational and stay away from him—I just couldn't,” Younghyun replied with a smile, but eyes filled with intensity. He spoke again, "The band is my future. Wonpil is my future too. And I just want to think that maybe there's a way I could have both."
Beside him, Wonpil flushed at the terms of endearment as he hooked his pinky with Younghyun’s under the table. He faced Sungjin and said, “We have to be careful and we have to make sure we won't affect the band negatively. There are lots of things we can’t really do because of our situation, but for me... it's worth it. Even if things go bad someday, I would always think that I don't regret any of this.”
Sungjin could see Wonpil’s eyes looking more watery than usual, and if he himself was the crying type, he probably would have already burst into tears after hearing what his bandmates—his best friends—have said about their relationship. He feels as if his heart was much lighter after hearing how much they love each other and how they're so determined to make it work without causing pain for themselves and the band; it was a relief, that they had each other and that they were on the same page about what they wanted.
He really wished nothing but happiness for them.
And after hearing their experiences, maybe Sungjin could seek that kind of happiness for himself, too.
“Sungjin, wanna go out for a bit?” Jae asked from behind him, resting his arm over Sungjin’s shoulder—something that they rarely did, especially with each other, and it was something he didn’t want to get used to. Sungjin drank the contents of his glass and as he stepped sidewards to return the carton of milk back into the fridge, Jae’s arm fell from its position. It must have taken a while before he answered, as Jae followed with, “It’s okay, we can go next time.”
His original plans of covering some sad ballads on his guitar that day was pushed back and he found himself trailing a little bit behind Jae as they took a train to Yongsan-gu, not knowing exactly what the elder wanted to do there. He would have made up an excuse about having another schedule, but he had missed Jae and he couldn't say no to that subtly pouty thing he had going on, despite the fact that being so near to him made Sungjin think about what he was going to do next, his mind growing more restless the longer he stays undecided whether he would confess or run from his feelings and wait for all of it to go away.
Did he want to take the chance? Chansik and Junghwan, Wonpil and Younghyun—they confessed despite the possibility of getting rejected and now they’re all happy, going strong with years of being together; but with their situations, they already knew that there was something—even just the barest hint of mutual attraction—between them before they relayed their feelings.
There was nothing of the sort between him and Jae.
But then he thinks of Junghwan and the regret of not doing anything before all he could do was stay as his friend and watch as he found love for himself from a distance—and it took years before he was able to move on.
Whatever he did, there was probably regret waiting for him at the end of that choice: it was either instantaneous regret, or one that he would feel somewhere further in the future but stronger as it lingers.
“Did I do something?” Jae asked and stopped in his tracks suddenly as they entered the train, causing Sungjin to belatedly halt and accidentally bump their arms together. “I feel like you’ve been avoiding me. I always see you with Dowoon, and with Wonpil and Younghyun the other day too, but we haven’t hung out in a while.”
He had been trying to spend less time with Jae, scared that he wouldn’t be able to stop himself from doing something that revealed his feelings; Jae had always offered that they walk home together after practice and get dinner whenever it was just the two of them in the dorm, but Sungjin declined more often than not. He hadn't meant for Jae to notice, but he did anyway, and there goes that pang of guilt again.
Sungjin went around Jae and took a seat, pulling his mask higher on his face. He looked around, relieved that it was a slow Tuesday early afternoon so there was no one else in the train car. “What are you talking about? You didn’t do anything. Everything’s fine.”
“Sorry, but I don’t quite believe that. You try to hide it, but you’ve been moping around for a while; it’s because of that person you’re in love with, isn’t it?” Jae asked, still standing as he held onto the pole in front of the train doors and attached to Sungjin’s seat.
This wasn’t a conversation Sungjin wanted to have in public despite them being alone in the train car, but Jae seemed to be determined to talk about it; and there was a part of Sungjin that wanted to get this all over with.
“I don't want to pry but is there really no way I can at least help? It—it sucks to see you like this.”
Jae’s words were a reminder that before Sungjin caught any more than platonic feelings for him, he was his friend, first and foremost—his friend that worried for him, his friend that felt helpless because Sungjin couldn't tell him anything.
The guilt was so strong that right now, getting rejected and messing up the band dynamics were the last things on his mind. Sungjin just didn’t want to lie any longer and cause Jae to worry when he was the one that should be blamed for everything. The aftermath would have to be cleaned up, but he wanted to tell the truth, above anything else.
“I have feelings for you.”
Jae whipped around to face him, his hood falling from his head by how fast he turned. Sungjin couldn’t look at him, could only see how his knuckles were turning white from gripping the railing too tight, but that was all he had to look at to know that he had screwed things up.
“Just say if you’re uncomfortable with that, because I can deal with these on my own. I won’t let it affect the band. It will go away and things can go back to normal—just give me a while.”
Sungjin had his head tilted downwards, but he could see Jae pass by in front of him before he felt him sit on the second seat next to him. The empty seat between them felt like a cliff to Sungjin, but he knew very well that he was the one who caused it to exist.
“I like you, though,” he said quietly, and this time, it was Sungjin’s turn to face him with his mouth slightly agape. Jae’s voice was muffled by his mask and Sungjin was almost sure that he had misheard it. “It was a very recent realization, but… yeah, I like you, too.”
This was the one scenario that he was unprepared for. He didn't want to think it was a possibility because the hope would kill him more than any rejection he could ever receive. But somehow, Jae was here, facing him, and telling him that he felt the same way.
He didn’t know what to reply, his mind too overwhelmed to function; he asked out of pure befuddlement, “So what now?”
“I don’t think a lot is going to change actually. I just get to kiss and touch and take you out on dates now,” Jae said with a shrug, acting casually although Sungjin could see right through it as he regained his focus.
Sungjin smiled as he ran a slightly shaky hand through his hair. The guilt and heaviness that he was feeling in his chest was gone, now replaced by the rapid beating of his heart. “You’ve been thinking of that?”
“Uhh… yeah,” he replied with an embarrassed sniff. It was a pity that Sungjin couldn't see his cheeks grow red due to the masks they were wearing; he had to settle with watching Jae blink rapidly and look at anything but him. “Dude, you’re really attractive, you know.”
As per usual, Sungjin's automatic response to getting praised was to deflect it. “I thought that you would never feel that way.”
“Honestly? Same. But I couldn’t stop being so bothered after you ignored my question that night—when I asked if you were in love with someone,” Jae confessed. “I actually thought I was coming off too clingy lately, that’s why you were avoiding me.”
“That long ago?” When Jae said that his realization of his feelings was recent, he expected it to mean a few days or maybe a few weeks; but that conversation took place more than a month ago, meaning his one-sided crush (that term made his fists clench, but it was unfortunately accurate) wasn't unrequited for that length.
Sungjin was starting to think that he should have done something earlier, but all his thoughts dissipated as Jae scooted over, taking the seat beside Sungjin and letting their thighs press together.
All he could feel was the denim of Jae's jeans and the soft cotton of his hoodie, but it was enough to send a shot of warmth through Sungjin's body.
“Aren’t you scared? That we might mess up?” he asked after a beat of silence that consisted of them just taking glances at each other and smiling.
“Completely terrified. But Youghyun and Wonpil are doing fine so far even though they can barely stop themselves in public; we can probably do better,” Jae said with a laugh, not missing the chance to tease their bandmates. It was comforting to know that Jae was as afraid, but it was even more of a comfort to know that he had confidence in them—whatever they are now.
Sungjin let out a cackle, making Jae look at him and narrowing the distance between their faces. He was so close and this time, Sungjin could stare at him without having to look away and prepare an excuse.
"I haven't heard that sound in a while. What's so funny?" the elder asked with a grin that Sungjin could only see in how his eyes were barely visible.
"This just feels so… normal," Sungjin said as he waved his hands in front of him to gesture what he meant, which Jae slapped with his own in a sort of low-five.
Next time , Sungjin thought, I'll tell him he can hold my hand .
Jae leaned his cheek on top of Sungjin's shoulder, having to slouch and splay his long legs to be able to do so. "Well, it's you and me."
Sungjin and Jae were just that—Sungjin and Jae. From strangers to bandmates to friends to now something completely different. He could have never thought of this outcome, but now that he was living that reality, he couldn't imagine any other possibility.
He let out a sigh that carried no weight and was accompanied with upturned lips as he poked Jae's knee.
“Want to bet on how long it would take for the members to figure it out?”
“I bet they never will.”