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Lena reclined on the couch next to Webby as some shitty action movie the boys had wanted to watch blared from the TV. Webby had invited her and Violet over to the mansion to hang out—for the third time this week so far, but Lena wasn’t complaining. She liked hanging out with Webby. And, sure, Violet sometimes teased her about how much she liked hanging out with Webby, but she could deal with that.
Lena twisted her head; Webby had her eyes glued to the television, fidgeting with an empty bag of popcorn. Their relationship was… complicated. They weren’t dating, per se, but also, according to anyone who knew them, they were definitely dating, especially considering they had gotten caught kissing a couple times. But, officially, they weren’t dating.
Maybe Lena just didn’t like labels, okay? Whatever. They had a good thing going, was the point.
All of a sudden, the door blew open, courtesy of a kick from a hard metal foot. “Kids!” Della shouted, a huge smile plastered over her face.
“Ah!” Louie yelped, stumbling backwards. “Christ, Mom!”
“What’s going on?” Webby asked. “Is something attacking the mansion?”
“I found my old D&D&D books!” Della said, holding aloft a stack of books. They had pictures of wizards and dragons and stuff on them.
“D&D&D?” Lena questioned.
“Dungeons and dragons and ducks!” Dewey said excitedly.
“It’s a tabletop role playing game,” Violet provided.
“Ah,” said Lena. “Nerd stuff.”
“I played it all the time in college,” Della said, flipping through the books. “Ooh, I have one of my old campaigns in here from when I was the DM!”
Lena shot Violet a look. “Duck master,” she translated.
Lena groaned. “I should have known.”
“I didn’t know you were into D&D&D, Mom,” Huey said. “I tried to DM a session with Louie and Dewey sometime last year, but it didn’t really work out with just two players.”
“Plus, Louie kept pickpocketing my gold,” Dewey accused. Louie just shrugged.
“You’ve played before?!” Della said, then let out an elated laugh. “Man, do I have the best kids or what?”
“More like the nerdiest kids,” Lena mumbled.
“We should totally play a session!” Della said, ignoring her. “Six players is a bit big, but it should still totally work. You guys can help Lena and Webby with character sheets, right?”
“Wait, is this happening?” Lena asked. “Like, now?”
“I think you’ll enjoy it, Lena,” Violet said.
“Do I get to fight stuff?” Webby asked.
Louie nodded. “Yeah, it’s mostly fighting stuff.”
“Yesss! I’m in! What about you, Lena?”
She smiled and shrugged. “I guess being a nerd for a while won’t kill me.”
“Especially if it’s Webby asking,” Violet whispered from behind her, quiet enough that only Lena could hear it.
She felt her ears starting to burn, and she jabbed an elbow backwards into Violet’s ribs. “Shut up.”
A couple hours later, Lena found herself seated around one of the mansion’s many tables, an unnecessarily complex character sheet laid out in front of her. There were a lot of numbers on it, and she understood maybe three of them, but apparently she could transform into animals so that was cool she guessed. Still nerdy, though.
“Alright,” Della said, shuffling a bunch of papers behind her Duck Master screen. “Why don’t you guys go around and introduce your characters to the group?”
“I can start,” Huey offered. “I’m Merik Caramore, a half-elf bard who travels the land, spreading his enchanting music and helping people along the way.”
“Thanks, Huey.” Della said. “Okay, what about you, Dew—”
“I’m Chad Blastoff!” Dewey exclaimed.
“Of course you are,” Lena mumbled.
“I’m a duck paladin who gains his divine powers from the one true god—Dewey Duck himself!”
“Can—” Louie stared at him, incredulous. “Can he do that?”
“While it’s more traditional to go with one of the provided deities, plenty of players with divine classes worship custom gods,” Violet explained. “So, while vain and conceited, the decision doesn’t matter gameplay-wise.”
“Except it does matter!” Dewey said. “Because Dewey Duck is the most powerful god around, and he gives Chad Blastoff the power to level mountains with a single swing of his sword!”
“No he doesn’t,” Huey said.
“Yes he does! Right, Mom?”
Della made a noncommittal ‘ehhh’ sound. “We’ll see, honey. Who’s next? Louie?”
“I’m Louie Luck,” Louie said. “Not to be confused with the real me, Louie Duck. I’m a halfling rogue. I used to be a thief, but then I unfortunately developed a moral compass and decided to become an adventurer instead. But I’m still extremely good at pickpocketing.”
“If you steal from me I’ll gut you,” Lena said. “I can turn into a bear. I think.”
“If you steal from Lena I’ll also gut you but in real life,” Webby said. “I can’t turn into a bear but I know where Granny keeps her daggers.”
“Okay, fine,” Louie said, rolling his eyes. “I’ll just steal from Dewey and Huey.”
“Good,” Webby said.
“I believe you mean you’ll steal from Chad and Merik,” Dewey corrected.
“I’m calling you Chad over my dead body,” Louie snapped.
“Violet!” Della interrupted loudly. “Would you like to go?”
“Of course,” Violet said. “I shall be playing Azerith Bloodstone, an elven wizard. My parents were brutally murdered right in front of me at a young age by an evil lich, and since then I have devoted my life to the dedicated study of magic in the hopes of growing strong enough to protect the innocent and vanquish the world’s evils.”
“Great backstory, Violet,” Della said. “What about you, Webby?”
“I’m playing a dragonborn barbarian named Skullcleaver Fleshripper and I’m gonna kill stuff!” Webby announced, punching a fist in the air. “Oh, also, Skullcleaver has a thing for druids. In the game. That’s important.”
“Um. Okay!” Della turned to Lena. “And Lena?”
Lena looked down at her character sheet. “Uhh. Well, I’m playing Nerda McNerdsmith. She’s, um, a duck druid.”
“Oh, I understand now,” Louie mumbled.
“Her hobbies include being a nerd and playing tabletop RPGs,” Lena finished.
“Should I be offended?” Huey wondered from across the table.
“Yes,” Lena said.
“Alright, that’s everyone!” Della said, clapping her hands together. “Let’s get right on into it! Our adventure starts in The Creaky Pigstump…”
Our adventure starts in The Creaky Pigstump, a rustic tavern in Clover Village, a small settlement near the border of the country. There, a ragtag team of adventurers have gathered; but little do they realize, danger soon awaits them!
“Danger? What danger?” Nerda asks.
“She’s just setting the tone right now,” advises the sagely Azerith.
Nerda blinks. “Oh. Sorry, Della. Please continue.”
Thank you.
As I was saying: Our brave adventurers have gathered in this tavern after a long and grueling trip; all they want to do at the moment is sit back and relax.
“And get drunk!” Chad adds, plopping down on one of the barstools. “Sup, bartender? Chad Blastoff needs a drink!”
The bartender, a broad-shouldered dwarf, gives Chad a weathering look, but nonetheless slides him over a mug of beer. Chad flips him a couple silver pieces, and raises the mug to his lips. “This one’s for you, oh lord, Dewey Duck!” he proclaims, before throwing back the drink.
“Oh my god, shut up,” says Louie Luck, who is currently trying to pickpocket Chad’s coin purse.
“What’s wrong with praising our Lord and Savior Dewey Duck? Are you insulting my religion?” Chad asks, his eyebrows narrowing. “And stop trying to steal my coin purse!”
“Fight!” chants Skullcleaver. “Fight!”
“Technically, Chad wouldn’t know that Louie’s trying to steal his coin purse,” Merik points out from a nearby table where he’s tuning his lute. “You’ve got to stay in character.”
“Please, Merik,” says Averith, rolling her eyes. “Metagaming is impossible to avoid. Instead of trying to stop it, we should be designing the game so that it doesn’t cause problems in the first place.”
Nerda raises an eyebrow. “Metagaming? What?”
“I disagree,” Merik argues. “Just because some level of metagaming is unavoidable doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try to mitigate it as much as possible.”
“I suspect that kind of strict constructionist theory is why your last campaign ended so poorly,” Averith says cooly.
“Nerds,” says Nerda.
Skullcleaver pumps her fist in the air. “Fight! Fight! Fight!”
“So do I get his coin purse or not?” Louie asks impatiently.
Um—roll for sleight of hand?
…Louie reaches into Chad’s back pocket and snatches his coin purse, only to fumble at the last minute and trip, falling flat on his face.
“Woah!” Chad exclaims. “You okay there, Louie?”
“I’m fine,” Louie mutters dejectedly into the floorboards.
“I think your problem is that you’re working from the incorrect assumption that metagaming is inherently bad for the roleplaying experience, when that isn’t the case,” Azerith explains. She’s now sitting at the same table as Merik, who is growing increasingly redder in the face.
“Name one time metagaming has functionally improved the narrative or mechanical health of the game!” he fumes.
“I can name several,” Azerith says calmly. “I could give you a sizable list, arranged in order of decreasing relevance. Or would you prefer alphabetization?”
Merik glares at her . “I’m going to murder you in your sleep.”
“Elves have trance; I’d be able to see you coming.” A pause. “Or, wait, did you mean in real life?”
Across the room, Skullcleaver slides up alongside Nerda. “So. You come here often?”
“Um.” Nerda looks at her. “You’ve invited me here three times this week so… yeah?”
“I guess I do invite you to this tavern, The Creaky Pigstump, rather often,” Skullcleaver says. “Maybe I just like your company.”
“What? Oh, right, the game—um. Well, maybe this, uh, druid, just enjoys spending quality time with big, strong barbarians.”
“You like barbarians, huh?” Skullcleaver says with a smirk.
“I find them a bit more alluring than nerds who joke around with lutes and wands, sure,” Nerda agrees.
Azarith and Merik pause their argument to give her looks.
“Hey! Lutes are cool!” Merik exclaims.
“And my focus is an orb, thank you very much,” Azarith corrects.
“So you like strong girls?” Skullcleaver continues. “Girls who know how to do, say, a double roundhouse?”
Nerda leans back in her chair. “Mmm, I don’t know. I say, triple roundhouse or bust.”
“That’s a pretty high standard you’ve got there, Nerda.”
“Oh, just the highest. Is that going to be a problem for you, Ms. Fleshripper?”
“Hmm? Since when have we been talking about me?” Skullcleaver asks coyly. “Not that I’m complaining about the change of subject.”
“Oh my god,” Louie says. “This is horrible.”
“Seriously, guys, just go in the kitchen and make out and come back when you’ve got it out of your system,” suggests Chad.
“Hhhhhhh,” Skullcleaver says, her face flushing as her major brain functions temporarily shut down.
“I’m pretty sure the bartender wouldn’t let them into the kitchen here,” Merik says. “Seeing as how we’re making a point to stay in character, and thus there are no other kitchens you could be referring to.”
“Okay, now you’re just being intentionally obtuse,” Azerith deadpans.
Nerda ignores them, narrowing her eyes at Chad. “I don’t know what you think you’re implying, Chad Blastoff, but you better watch your tongue.”
“He wasn’t implying anything,” Louie says.
Chad nods. “Yeah, I thought I was being pretty clear in that you two are doing that gross flirty thing you do sometimes and that you should just kiss already.”
“You wanna go, blue?!” Nerda shouts, standing up fast enough that her barstool topples to the ground. “I’ve got a spell called poison spray and I don’t know what it does but I’m not afraid to use it!”
“Just a shot in the dark, but maybe it sprays poison,” Louie says.
Nerda turns on him now. “You wanna go, too, green? I’ll take both your butts on!”
“Oh dear,” Merik says.
Unfortunately, before our brave adventures can start tearing each other apart, a young woman runs screaming into the tavern.
“Monsters!” she yells. “There are monsters attacking the town! Someone help!”
“Imposter!” Skullcleaver accuses, drawing her battleaxe. “A real concerned citizen wouldn’t run to a bar for help! What can drunk people do against monsters?”
Skullcleaver rushes forward and cuts down the woman with a heavy swing of her axe, slicing her cleanly in half.
“Um,” Louie says.
“Skullcleaver? I’m pretty sure she was just a regular concerned citizen,” Azerith says.
“…Oh,” Skullcleaver says, looking guiltily down at the body. “I guess I got a little overexcited. Um. Sorry, can we redo that?”
Sure.
“Monsters!” she yells. “There are monsters attacking the town! Someone help!”
“Thank you for the genuine cry for help, random woman, despite your poor choice of location at which to seek help!” Skullcleaver shouts. “C’mon, everyone! Let’s go!”
The party rushes out of the tavern to find a group of undead monsters roaming the streets. There’s a line of four zombies in the front, and three skeletons in the back with bows and arrows.
Louie moves first, creeping around the edge of the nearby buildings to try and get behind the monsters. Merik starts playing an inspirational tune, and the rest of the party feels a kick of adrenaline as they get into the fight.
“In the name of Dewey Duck, I vanquish thee!” Chad shouts, rushing in and swiping at one of the zombies with his sword, which is glowing with the might of his deity. He manages to score a deep gash on the zombie’s chest, but the monster quickly retaliates, clawing at Chad’s armor. Fortunately, it holds well enough, though the other zombies begin closing in.
Azarith acts next, shooting a lightning burst at one of the skeletons, charring its bones. Then with a mighty warcry, Skullcleaver charges in, slicing down the zombie Chad is fighting with a huge swing of her axe.
Perhaps spurred on by their fallen comrade, the skeletons fire on Skullcleaver and Chad. One of the arrows misses, and one glances off of Skullcleaver’s rippling muscles, but the third strikes Chad right in the bicep, and he lets out a howl of pain.
Nerda takes the opportunity to run in and spray poison on one of the zombies, melting off its right arm. “Hey! I did it!” she says.
“Nice!” Skullcleaver encourages.
“Careful,” Azarith warns. “Getting awfully invested in the nerd game there.”
“Shut up.”
Louie jumps out from the shadows and stabs the skeleton that Azarith has already toasted in the back of the spine, causing it to crumple into a pile of loose bones. Then Merik plays a jarring blast of dissonant notes aimed at one of the zombies, which stuns it, and Chad immediately follows up with a dashing swing of his sword, downing the zombie with one clean strike.
But then the two remaining zombies start to fight back; one scrapes a shallow wound on Skullcleaver’s arm, but the other hits Nerda hard in the side, causing her to stumble away in pain. Azarith casts another lightning bolt on one of the skeletons, but the sound is almost drowned out by Skullcleaver’s scream of fury.
“NOBODY HURTS HER!” she bellows, her muscles bulging as she descends into a barbaric rage. She pulverizes the zombie in front of her with a single swing before rushing over and grabbing the zombie that attacked Nerda by the throat, raising it up and smashing it against the gravel road below them. She lets out a roar of vengeful triumph as its neck snaps against the ground, and then hurls her axe at one of the skeletons, the weapon slicing its head clean off. As its body falls limply to the ground, Nerda casts a wave of ice at the final skeleton, freezing it solid.
“Wow, Skullcleaver,” Louie says, once all the monsters are dead. “Anger problems?”
She laughs nervously. “A little. Only sometimes, though.”
“No fair,” Chad whines. “You didn’t go into a rage when I got hurt.”
“I wonder why,” Azarith says dryly, only for Nerda to elbow her hard in the ribs—actually, jeez, Violet, are you okay? That looked like it hurt.
“I’m fine,” Azarith assures.
“You’ll know if it’s one that’s meant to hurt,” Nerda adds.
Alright then. Well, the woman comes up to the party after you vanquish the final skeleton. “Oh, thank you so much!” she cries. “These monsters have been attacking the village for days. At this rate, we won’t be able to live here any longer.”
“For days?” Merik asks. “Where are they coming from?”
“Nobody knows for sure,” says the woman. “But rumor has it that an old necromancer lives atop the old spire in the woods outside of town.”
She gestures towards the treeline in the distance, and, sure enough, the adventurers can make out a tall, twisting tower, constructed from old, heavy blocks of stone and held together by creeping vines.
“Ominous,” Merik says.
“If you could kill the necromancer and stop the attacks on the village, we would be forever in your debt,” says the woman. “We don’t have much to give you, but I’m sure between all of us we could offer you a handsome reward!”
“Good enough for me!” Louie says, sheathing his dagger.
Chad raises his sword to the sky. “Come, friends of Chad Blastoff! Our destiny awaits!”
“Screw destiny; I wanna smash stuff!” Skullcleaver says, pounding her fists together. “Come on, Nerda! Ready for a trek through the woods?”
“I don’t know—it’s an awfully long ways away, don’t you think?” Nerda muses. “If only there were some big, strong dragonborn around who could carry me there in her big, strong arms…”
“Mmm,” hums Skullcleaver. “If only there were one of those around.”
“I hate to say it, but I have to agree with Chad,” Azarith says. “Perhaps you two should excuse yourselves so you can get all your snogs out and come back to the campaign with clearer heads and more appropriate priori—Ouch!” She pauses to rub at her ribs. “Lena! Why is your elbow so hard? Aren’t you supposed to be made of shadows? I swear, if this bruises again…”
“See, that one was supposed to hurt,” Nerda says flatly as the group starts off towards the forest.
Several hours later, our brave adventurers, having bested undead foes, mind-bending puzzles, devious traps, and incessant arguing, finally arrive at the top of the ancient spire. All that separates them from the final floor is a small trap door above their heads.
“Dewey is telling me that there’s an evil presence on the roof above us,” Chad says. “It must be the necromancer.”
“Alright, team,” Merik says. “We’ve done well so far, but this is it. The decisive moment! We need to come up with a plan.”
Azerith nods. “Merik is right; we should have a strategy going in. Presumably, the necromancer will be a single target, so we should probably try for a flanking maneuver.”
“Or we can just beat him up!” Skullcleaver shouts, delivering a high kick to the trap door and flinging it open. “CHAAAARGE!”
Chad lets out a manic laugh. “That’s what I’m talking about! Chad Blastoff, blasting off!”
“Oh, I hate that,” Nerda says.
“Wait, guys—ugh.” Merik shakes his head as the two of them disappear through the ceiling. “This is turning out just like our real adventures.”
“Well, we better go back them up,” Louie said with a sigh.
The rest of them climb through the hatch to join Chad and Skullcleaver, and find themselves standing on a circular open-air platform at the peak of the tower, far above the treetops.
“Jeez… that’s a long fall,” Merik observes, looking nervously over the edge of the platform.
They don’t have much time for chatter, though, as the necromancer himself is standing at the center of the circle! He’s holding a long, gnarled staff, with a duck skull affixed to the end of it, and he’s covered in pulsing red gems.
“Fools,” he groans, raising his staff. “You have sought only your doom in coming here!”
“Hi! I’m Skullcleaver,” greets Skullcleaver. “I’m gonna kill you now!”
“Die!” screams the necromancer, shooting out several bursts of muddy red light. Louie, Merik, and Chad jump out of the way, Azerith gets hit right in the stomach, and Skullcleaver jumps in front of Nerda, taking the hit for her.
“Azerith! Are you okay?” Merik asks, rushing over to play a healing tune.
“I got blasted in the chest by necrotic magic. Do you think I’m okay?” Azerith hisses.
“You didn’t have to take that hit for me,” Nerda says. “You should focus on dealing damage.”
“Normally I’d argue,” Skullcleaver says, “but I do like dealing damage!”
She runs in, axe swinging, and Chad is right behind her. “O great Dewey Duck above, empower my blade with your awesome might!” he cries, his sword taking on a radiant glow.
As they start fighting, Louie sneaks around behind the necromancer, and Nerda concentrates, turning herself into a giant frog.
Azerith gets back onto her feet and gives Nerda a withering look. “A frog? For the final battle? I know you’re new, but you’ve got to be aware that the bear or the wolf would have better stat blocks.”
“Don’t worry, I got this,” Lena says. “Er—I mean, ribbit.”
Azerith rolls her eyes, but shifts her focus back to the fight, blasting the necromancer with a fireball. Skullcleaver scores a clean hit with her axe just as Louie pulls off a backstab, and all of sudden the necromancer is looking a lot worse for wear.
“Enough playing around!” he screeches, throwing the adventurers off of him with a large magical burst. “It’s time for you all to perish!”
He shoots out a powerful series of beams; one hits hard against Chad’s breastplate, and a few miss, but one pierces Merik right through the chest, and he falls to the ground, unconscious.
“Merik, no!” Chad shouts, rushing over to him. “You were so young!”
“Use lay on hands!” Azerith calls as she prepares another spell.
Meanwhile, Skullcleaver rushes down the necromancer, but he blasts her away with his magic, then turns around and bashes Louie in the side of the head with his staff.
“This is bad,” Skullcleaver says, clutching at where the necromancer had blasted her and walking with a limp. “We need to do something fast!”
Then from out of nowhere, a long, sticky red tongue zooms out past her shoulder and wraps around the necromancer.
“Woah!” Louie exclaims.
Nerda, in her giant frog form, reels the necromancer back in, holding him inside her mouth. Then she hops over towards the edge of the spire and flings herself off, plummeting down towards the ground below.
“NERDA, NOOOO!” Skullcleaver screams. Fast as lightning, she throws herself back down the trapdoor and runs down the tower, taking the steps three, four at a time. She reaches the bottom in record time, and exits to find Nerda sitting cross-legged on the ground outside the spire, the broken body of the necromancer in front of her.
“Nerda! Oh, I’m so glad you’re okay!” Skullcleaver says, running over and embracing the druid with her thick, muscular arms.
“When my wild shape loses its hit points, I don’t die, I just transform back,” Lena said. “And the giant frog’s speed is high enough that I could grapple him and jump off the tower in the same turn. It was all calculated.”
“Nerd,” Azerith calls down from way up atop the tower.
Merik scoffs. “There’s no way your character would be able to hear their conversation from—wait, no, don’t hurt me, Violet, please—”
“I’m glad you were worried about me,” Nerda continues. “It’s sweet.”
Skullcleaver shrugs, still holding her tightly. “What can I say? You’re important to me.”
“You don’t have to say anything,” Nerda says.
They draw closer to each other, and Nerda’s beak parts against Skullcleaver’s lips, and—
“Um,” Della said, watching as Lena and Webby’s kiss deepened.
“Gross!” Louie shouted, throwing a d4 at Lena’s head. “Stop it! Stop!”
“Ew, no, they’re gonna get cooties all over my dice!” Huey complained, gathering them up and stuffing them back into his bag.
“This game is really fun!” Webby said after she finally pulled away. She was still snuggled up against Lena, though. “We should totally play again sometime!”
“Okay but you are not allowed to flirt next time,” Dewey said, jamming his finger in their faces. “From here on out, D&D&D is an absolute no flirting zone!”
“You know, you were right, Vi,” Lena said smoothly. “I did end up liking this game.”
“I’m glad you had fun. You’re officially a nerd now,” Violet said.
“Let’s not get carried away,” Lena said. “But, um—sorry for making fun of you guys. It’s actually a pretty cool game.”
“Yes!” Della pumped a fist in the air as she put all her notes away. “Converted another one! Just let me know if you guys want to do this again sometime. There are a bunch more arcs in this campaign!”
“Sounds fun!” Webby said.
“Not right now, though,” Lena said. “It’s getting pretty late. Violet and I should probably head home.”
“Indeed,” Violet said, getting up.
“Oh! I can walk you home,” Webby said, jumping out of her chair. The three of them exited the room and started off towards the mansion’s entrance.
“In that case, I’ll head out immediately,” Violet said, grabbing her things. “Give you two some privacy.”
“Thanks, Vi,” Lena said.
“You’re welcome. Nerd.” She quickly exited before Lena could do more than look at her indignantly.
“The audacity,” Lena muttered. “I once saw her stay up late to read a thesaurus in bed, and she’s calling me a nerd now?”
Webby giggled. “Maybe it’s because you’re a nerd.”
“Call me that again and I’ll just take the shadows home,” Lena threatened. “It’d be faster anyway.”
“No you won’t,” Webby said, wrapping herself around one of Lena’s arms. “You liiiiike me. Nerd.”
Lena let out an unintelligible grumble, but it quickly broke into a smile as the two of them walked out of the manor, hand in hand.