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White walls covered the room, white ceilings hovering above and the scent of disinfectants saturating the air. In a room that was small enough to suffocate even an ant, the only comfort Hinata found was in constant view of the skies and the dreamy clouds floating aimlessly in blue skies outside. The expanding world that was full of possibilities, and the skies were a constant reminder of the limitless possibilities in this expansive world. That also applied to the mediocre clouds that didn’t know where they would end up next in the following minute. But the concept of possibilities had stopped existing for Shouyou Hinata ever since he had become trapped in this room.
Every day was the same. His mother would arrive early in the morning, and she would talk to him and keep him company until the afternoon. His sister would stop by after her club activities that ended late in the day, and she would rave on about every little thing that happened during the day. His father never came by because he was always busy with work, even on weekends. In the night, Atsumu would appear at the doorstep, and he would complain and whine about practice and their teammates until the nurses told him it was the end of visiting hours.
Normally anyone would be annoyed by Atsumu’s choice of conversation. But Hinata actually enjoyed it because it was Atsumu being himself. Even before Hinata became confined to this stuffy room, this was the type of idle conversations they shared. Hinata had also found it endearing that Atsumu had become comfortable enough around him to tell him every single thought that ran through his brain. And that was why Hinata became comfortable with talking about his true feelings with Atsumu, too.
Even so, Hinata had never thought of himself as close to Atsumu. They may have known each other ever since high school, but they had only started talking after Hinata joined the MSBY Black Jackals. Before Hinata actually got to know him, he had always felt like Atsumu was on a whole different plane of existence from him and the normal folk. He was the best setter in high school, and he continued to carry the title with pride until the day he graduated. Not even Kageyama, who was the walking definition of perfection in Hinata’s eyes, had been able to beat him until the very end.
But when Hinata learned that Atsumu was now dubbed the second best server in Japan after Kageyama, Atsumu had suddenly become more human. Back then, they had always been separated by a net, but now, they were standing on the same side of the court and Hinata was able to observe him even more closely. Atsumu was not only confident and cocky; he genuinely loved volleyball and just wanted to play as much as he could. There was always this smile of pure enjoyment and contentment spread across his face during every game, from the very second he tosses the ball into the air and even past the moment the ball hits the floor on the opposing side.
No matter how much he may have teased his spikers about their constant need to spike his tosses, Hinata knew that Atsumu had always been the hungriest to touch the ball among all of them. Every toss he sent his spiker’s way was the product of pure passion. At some point, Hinata realized he actually loved dancing to Atsumu’s tune created on the court.
Atsumu had at some point become someone dear to Hinata. The way he shone on the court never ceased to move him, even to this day when his only option was to watch his matches on television. This man was the person who would be by his side on the day he beat Kageyama.
If only that day would truly come.
But in the end, even if they may no longer be separated by a net, they were just friendly teammates. Hinata wanted to become someone close to Atsumu, too.
Hinata wanted so badly to continue dancing with Atsumu and his teammates on that orange court. He wanted to take in the scent of salonpas that wafted through the atmosphere on the court. He wanted to play against Kageyama once again, where the outcome of their match would become yet another possibility in Hinata’s empty life.
But that was not the case anymore. He wasn’t standing on the court, he was immobilized in his bed, which was a similar, dull colour to that of the walls surrounding him, with the needle embedded in his vein serving as handcuffs to remind him that he was trapped. There was only the feeling of vigilance and apprehension in the scent of the disinfectants that decorated every inch of the wall. In his world that was now confined to a white room, there was no longer such a thing known as possibilities, no matter how much the people around him tried to reassure him.
Shouyou Hinata detested the word ‘fate’ more than anything. Was it his fate to put his everything into rising to the top, and be yanked back to zero by the reality of his situation?
It had all happened out of nowhere. Hinata had collapsed in the middle of practice, and his teammates had mistook it as fatigue until the doctors said otherwise. His schoolmates had been shocked when they caught wind of news. On the first few days of his hospitalization, his room was being filled by people with every passing hour. Even Oikawa and Nishinoya had travelled all the way back from outside the country to see him. Hinata had been grateful that he had so many people supporting him in his life, but at the same time, the reception served to fill him with growing anxiety. He was reminded that the situation was a lot worse than he thought, and that there really was no tomorrow for him.
It had been weeks ever since his hospitalization, and Hinata’s debilitating condition only went for the worse. He grew even more exhausted, to the point that he was barely able to maintain a conversation with the people who visited him. He could barely lift his limbs to even feed himself. He looked a lot more skinny and frailer now. His skin had become pale like a ghost.
His once exciting days had turned into just watching the skies outside as he awaited his inevitable end to arrive. Hinata was scared--he didn’t want to die. He didn’t want the story he had been building up for himself to end there.
But the person Hinata had strived his entire life to become had already crumbled away in a matter of days out of good-willed respect. At some point, the people around him no longer saw Hinata as the person who had once surpassed Kageyama and continued to rise even higher and higher. Instead, he had been reduced to the shell of the ambitious man he had been, and the embodiment of pity and grief. Hinata didn’t blame anyone though, because if he were in their shoes, he knew he would have similarly struggled to see himself as the energetic, happy-go-lucky person he had once been.
The number of visitors Hinata received, other than his family and Atsumu, had gradually dwindled down over the weeks. Life went on as normal, and life had only stopped before it even ended for Hinata. But this week, the doctors had announced that Hinata didn’t have much longer to live. Hinata’s friends were told about this by Atsumu, and they started dropping by more frequently. But they worked hard not to overcrowd the room to avoid exhausting Hinata, according to Yachi, who brought up the fact that they made a group chat to make sure their visiting hours didn’t clash.
The words that each one of his friends left for him during their visits would remain engraved in his mind, even after it ceased to exist.
Even Kageyama, the person Hinata thought was incapable of expressing emotions because of his social awkwardness, had pulled him into a tight hug and wailed. He had been busy with his own professional career, so he rarely had the spare time to visit him. The previous time Hinata had seen Kageyama, Hinata was still able to make jokes and poke fun at him, which helped lighten the mood. But now Hinata was struggling to even keep his eyes open, and when they were barely open, he could see clearly the distraught expression on Kageyama’s face.
Hinata really wished he didn’t see that.
As Kageyama pulled Hinata into his arms, Hinata caught the figure of a woman sharing Kageyama’s sharp, cold eyes standing against the white walls. Despite her stern features, her face seemed just as pained, as if she had once witnessed the same sight in the past.
Kageyama’s arms around him were strong, and the body heat he radiated was warm. Hinata could feel the dampness of Kageyama’s tears on his shoulder which would leave a stain on his garments. Kageyama’s arms had been shaking, and Kageyama’s muffled screams filled his ear. For once, Hinata felt as if someone had actually shared his pain, and was expressing it in a way that Hinata couldn’t.
At the same time, Hinata grew even more fearful at being reminded of how he would never be able to see his best friend and greatest rival anymore. Tears started to well up in his eyes as well. He couldn’t muster the strength to even lift his finger, albeit wrap his arms around Kageyama in return. He wanted so badly to reassure Kageyama that everything was okay, and tell him that their days would return to normal for the both of them.
“It’s okay, Kageyama.” Hinata was surprised when his voice actually came out. “It’ll be okay, for sure.”
It wasn’t true, and the two of them knew it better than anyone. Kageyama’s fingers, that he once used to toss the ball in Hinata’s direction, dug into the fabric of Hinata’s garments, though his fingers weren’t greeted by flesh but rather air. Hinata’s muscles had shrunk so much that his shirt had become baggy and it seemed like his shirt was wearing him instead.
Kageyama’s screams grew louder. A nurse had arrived to inform them that they were making the other patients uncomfortable, and the woman at the corner had to escort Kageyama out of the room. As Kageyama’s figure left the door, he didn’t even turn around. It was as if he was already convinced of how badly Hinata’s crappy story would end, and there were just no more words to say. Kageyama had held out hope a long time ago, and he had learned his lesson from it. He wasn’t going to look back. This was the cruel truth.
But even though Kageyama didn’t turn around, he didn’t leave without saying his true feelings, “I’m really grateful that I met you.”
Hours had passed since Kageyama’s visit. The skies had grown dark and the outlines of the cloud were no longer visible in the cloudless night. Hinata had once hated the night, because even when there were clouds, he couldn’t see them clearly. The only thing he could expect to see outside the window was for the rain or snow to suddenly fall. And even when it did start raining, the next thing Hinata could look forward to seeing was for the rain to clear up but the skies wouldn’t change colour. The whole prospect was a lot more boring than watching the clouds floating in a single direction for hours.
But ever since Atsumu started visiting him at night on a daily basis, Hinata had something to look forward to before retiring for the night.
Atsumu had been later than usual today, but this time, Hinata was greeted by the pleasant surprise of Bokuto and Sakusa tagging along with the former. Although Atsumu did come by every night, Atsumu had occasionally brought his teammates with him to visit. Atsumu was as careful or even more careful than Hinata’s friends when it came to not overcrowding the room and stressing Hinata out. So he had already brought the others a few nights ago.
Hinata had noticed that whenever he specifically brought Bokuto to visit him after practice, he always made sure that only Sakusa came along. It started making sense, as with every consequent visit, Bokuto was starting to grow even rowdier and more boisterous than normal despite Hinata’s escalating weakness. Not even Atsumu or Sakusa could keep him in check, but it helped that Sakusa was the quietest among every member of the team. Hinata couldn’t imagine how noisier it would be if Atsumu had brought another person in place of Sakusa.
But all in all, Hinata really did like the atmosphere Bokuto created. Every time he came over, it felt like nothing had really changed. Even Sakusa was the same; he continued to treat him like he was an oversized germ whenever Hinata tried to playfully touch him. Atsumu didn’t stop his attempts at acting as the straight man for both Bokuto and Sakusa either. Hinata could only let out laughter every now and then when he found the strength to.
However, Hinata was no longer the naive high school student years ago. He was more perceptive now, and if he paid enough attention, he could catch the shakiness in Bokuto’s voice, the anxiety swimming in Sakusa’s jet-black eyes and the forced grin spread across Atsumu’s face. They were all trying their best for him, because Hinata had once opened up to Atsumu about how he didn’t like the fact that everything had changed.
Hinata truly treasured his teammates for it. At times, he found himself regretting telling Atsumu the truth because it hurt him to watch his friends hide their true feelings. But a more selfish part of him wanted to believe that this illusion was the truth, and that Hinata could one day return to these light-hearted days.
This night was the same, too. It was a lot more fun when it wasn’t just Atsumu talking about the team. Sakusa bluntly calling Atsumu out on every last one of his screw-ups, watching Atsumu actually ball up in shame in contrast to the usual haughty air he gave off, Bokuto unknowingly making things worse by bringing up the wrong things at the worst timings. Hinata found himself smiling through the night, even if this was all a lie.
And as usual, Bokuto and Sakusa decided to leave earlier, and Atsumu opted to stay longer until visiting hours ended. But before they left, they both turned to him with their genuine selves showing.
“You’ll get better for sure, Hinata.” Bokuto said with a wide, toothy smile. “You’re my greatest disciple, after all!”
“Take your time and don’t push yourself. We aren’t going anywhere without you.” Sakusa said, the edges of his eyes softening. “You’ll always be a part of the team, Shouyou-kun.”
The two probably didn’t know how much their words meant for Hinata. Hinata, who genuinely yearned to be able to stand on his two feet once again and return to the court with his teammates. Hinata only smiled, tears forming at the corner of his eyes as Bokuto and Sakusa waved at him from a distance far enough for them to be unable to see his reddening eyes.
Atsumu was still standing close enough to him to witness Hinata’s expression tightening and contorting into a strained face, and the very moment his tears got the better of him. He started wailing uncontrollably, and he attempted to bring his hands to his face to cover his humiliating expression but only for him to be reminded of the numbness in his degraded muscles. Atsumu suddenly scooped him into his arms, and he moved one arm around Hinata’s head to plant his face on his shoulder as he held him tightly.
“A-Atsumu-san..” Hinata managed in between his sniffles, and his flaccid arms remained at his sides. “I’m scared.. I don’t want to die..”
“It’ll be alright, Shouyou-kun.” Atsumu said in a hushed voice, but Hinata could hear the trembling in his tone. “You’ll get through this, I know it.”
A cynical smile reached Hinata’s lips, “..We both know that’s a lie..”
Atsumu didn’t respond, however. He only pulled Hinata closer to his chest with the arm around his abdomen, and he hung his head down Hinata’s shoulder as the latters’ orange strands of hair brushed against his cheek.
It was a foreign feeling for them to share this intimate moment. Although Atsumu had been the only one whom Hinata confided in throughout his period of struggle, they had never shared a tender moment like this before. As an adult, Hinata refused to show his tears around anyone out of pride; not Kageyama or not even Atsumu. But he couldn’t hold them in now, not after meeting his teammates once again and especially not after watching Kageyama break down like that.
“..You’re someone dear to me, Shouyou-kun.” Atsumu said, breaking his own silence as Hinata continued to bawl. “Not only to me, but to Tobio-kun, Omi-kun, Bokkun, Natsu-chan.. Far too many people.”
Despite his trepidation, hearing those words come out of Atsumu’s mouth filled Hinata with an odd feeling of warmth. It was something he desired to become to Atsumu; someone precious to him, and it felt like a dream come true to hear Atsumu say those words. Maybe they were just words to make him feel better in the moment, but a part of him knew Atsumu would never dare say such empty words.
“I loved you, Shouyou-kun. And I still love you, even to this day.” Atsumu continued, and his words alone were enough for Hinata to take a moment to catch his breath. “I hate myself for being so powerless. I hate how unfair it is that I can move so freely on the court, when the person I love is stuck here in this small room.”
Hinata’s eyes went wide, and for a moment, his eyelids didn’t feel heavy anymore. “Atsumu-san, I..”
“It’s okay, I know you probably don’t reciprocate my feelings.” Atsumu’s tone became quieter. “But even so, I want you to know that even if you’ve lost hope, I’ll keep being by your side, no matter what.”
“..Me too, Atsumu-san.” Hinata said, exerting his muscles so he could place his hands on Atsumu’s back, even if it made his muscles ache. “I love you, too.”
Atsumu drew a sharp breath, and he relaxed his fingers that were grasping at Hinata’s garbs. Hinata was able to plant his palms on Atsumu’s back, and his eyes fluttered close as he allowed himself to revel in the warmth of Atsumu’s arms. Even if it wasn’t much, he felt his feelings of dread diminishing simply from hearing Atsumu’s heartfelt words.
“I wanted to stand on the court with you longer.” Hinata whispered. “I love the smile you have on your face whenever you’re playing volleyball. I love it when you toss the ball to me. I love it when you get excited over the tosses I throw to you. I love how much passion you have for volleyball.”
“You must be kidding me, Shouyou-kun..” Atsumu’s tone was solemn. “I’m nothing, you’re the amazing one here. I can never love volleyball as much as you do.”
“I don’t think that’s the case when you’re the one who forgets the people around him when it comes to volleyball.” Hinata continued, his words slurring from weakness. “But that’s the Atsumu-san I love.. He’s so passionate that he doesn’t care about what other people think of him. When he’s angry, he’s really angry and he’ll clearly tell anyone off without mincing his words. When he’s annoyed, he won’t stop talking about what’s on his mind.”
Atsumu pursed his lips, “..Don’t you hate that about me?”
“Not at all.” Hinata said in a reassuring voice. “Because you’re so genuine, I feel safe with you. When you’re happy, you really are happy. That’s why I love seeing your smile so much.”
“You think way too highly of me.” Atsumu scoffed. “..You really are an amazing person, Shouyou-kun.”
Shouyou’s smile softened, “I dreamed that once we won against Schweiden Adlers, I would finally tell you how much I liked you, and you would return my feelings.”
“I wanted to be with you forever.” Hinata added, his features softening. “We would move in together. Maybe even get married. You would probably be too stubborn to take my surname, but it doesn’t matter, since I’ve always wanted your surname anyway.”
“Shouyou-kun..” Atsumu muttered, and his tone started to break. “..I wanted to be with you forever, too.”
“We would adopt a child and we would teach them to play volleyball.. We would make sure they would surpass Kageyama’s kid.” Hinata asked, but when realization struck him, he laughed. ”Wait, do you even like kids, Atsumu-san?”
“..I don’t.” Atsumu said as tears began streaming down his cheeks. “They’re too much of a hassle. The house would be too noisy.”
“True. You’re quite the child yourself, after all.” Hinata joked, but his voice was starting to crack as well. “But if Kageyama does have a child, we would definitely adopt one.”
“Come on, aren’t you the child here, Shouyou-kun?” Atsumu let out a strained chuckle. “But you’re right. We’d raise a child who’s far better than Tobio-kun’s, for sure.”
Hinata could only laugh after hearing Atsumu’s words, and his laughter was soon accompanied by Atsumu’s own. Atsumu’s laugh and smile were as sweet as Hinata could recall them being, even if this moment of repose couldn’t be as genuine as those times they shared months ago. Hinata knew that everything that he just said was never going to happen, and he was sure Atsumu was fully aware of it too. But now that he had finally let it off his chest, he felt as if all of his idle daydreaming actually came true and he truly did live that fulfilling life. So everything was okay now.
“..Hey, Atsumu-san?” Hinata addressed the other man.
Atsumu’s laughter died down, “..Yeah?”
“Please stay with me longer.”
Hinata felt Atsumu smile against his hair, “You don’t even have to ask.”
____________________________________________________________________________
It was on the next day, which was a weekend, when both his mother and his sister had swung by to visit him. Hinata was feeling abnormally exhausted, despite the fact that he had slept more than enough, so he was laying in the bed half-asleep. He didn’t have to talk, because his family had just been sitting on the chairs around the room in silence, with Natsu fiddling with her smartphone and his mother reading a book. It was a calm Sunday afternoon.
But despite the peaceful atmosphere, Hinata felt a growing sense of apprehension arousing inside him. It was as if everything would be over if he gave in to his drowsiness now.
It didn’t do any good to fight his fatigue however. His eyelids were gradually growing heavier on him, and the lack of oxygen due to his restricted breathing left him on the brink of losing consciousness. But he was confused, why did he feel like this would be the end?
If it really was, would his mother be okay? Would Natsu be okay? What was his father doing right now?
Was everyone going to be okay? Was Atsumu going to be okay?
But at the same time, Hinata felt strangely comforted that he wasn’t alone right now. It wasn’t like that time when he first arrived in Brazil, where he was completely alone. The people he grew up with and loved the most were now with him. He wished he could see Atsumu one last time though, but thinking about the night they spent together was enough to put him at peace.
At least he spent every second of his life working towards his passion and dreams. Shouyou Hinata had been living his best life till the very end.
The world had felt like it was falling apart.
But, because you were here, I was able to accept it.